All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e02 You Decide.eng

[instrumental music]

So, Trent, this girl's name is Tara?

Yeah, and no matter I do,
I can't get here to notice me.

And I think it's 'cause
she's way smarter than I am.

So she can cut her own food.

Says the girl who hurt her
knee and thought she tore her ACLU.

So what have you tried with Tara?

I tried all my best moves.

My hair thing. My flexing thing.

My other hair thing.

My God, is this girl made of stone?

If you want, I've got some great opening lines

about differential calculus.

Why do you think they'd work on a real girl

when they wouldn't work on your pillow.

Anyway, why don't you
try what always work for me?

Find out what she's into

then tell her that you're into that too.

When you're mom and I were dating

she thought I loved macram�

- What's macram�? - I don't know.

I tried ordering it in
an Italian restaurant one time

got a lot of attitude.

(Susan) 'Bill, I need you up here!'

Alright, hey, if you
wanna get somewhere with Tara

find out what her interests are.

Got it.

When I said I tore my ACLU

I was on a lot of painkillers.

Oh, were you on painkillers when you said

an appendix was a part of a book?

It is part of a book!

Oh, now you're just embarrassing yourself.

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'Honey, what's up?'

- Come here. - What?

Tell me what you see in Faulkner's yard?

Hmm. A hot tub.

And what's in that hot tub?

- Old man Faulkner. - 'And..'

Oh, God, he's naked!

Oh, my God. I can still see it.

I need to cleanse my palate.

Quick, take your clothes off.

Nice try.

Man, that's a lot of wrinkly old dude.

Did he just start doing that?

No, it has been going on for years

but it's such a great
show, I've kept it to myself.

Bill, we gotta do something about that.

Alright. You're right, you're right.

Um, here's what I'm thinking.

I am not taking off my pants.

Well, give me a minute

'cause I'm starting from scratch now.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi. Yeah. Thanks for calling me back.

I wanted to make a dinner reservation for two

for Saturday night.

Hey, what do you think, 7:30 PM or 8:00 PM?

- 7:30 PM. - We'll take the 8:00 PM.

- Great. Thanks. - Susan?

- What was that? - What was what?

I said, 7:30 PM, but you
made reservation for 8:00 PM.

Well, I wanted 7:30 PM also

but you're always saying
it takes me an extra half hour

to get ready. So you're right, 8:00 PM is better.

Thank you. Wait? What?

Ugh, it looks like somebody
is boiling a giant raisin.

[theme music]

So, I said, 7:30 PM, and then she-

Told the restaurant 8:00 PM?

Yeah, and then she-

Made you think it was all your idea?

- How do you- - Know that?

Bill, I know you and Susan
better than I know myself.

How's that working out for you?

Not that great.

Well, why would Susan do that?

Because women want control in a relationship.

They let you believe that
you're the part of the process.

Well, but I am part of the process.

Don't kid yourself, Bill.

It's like those elections in Africa.

You can vote your ass off

but the dictator is still gonna win.

Wow, it's not like that around here

I make plenty of decisions.

Oh, really?

What time is that dinner reservation again?

Exactly.

That was an isolated incident.

[scoffs] Okay, who decided that
your vacation would be golf free?

Or that you didn't need a flat-screen TV?

- Who picked out your couch? - I did.

I mean the one in the house that people see.

Not the one out here that smells funny.

Well, and whose fault was that

Mr. Can't Hold His Beer And Funyuns?

All I'm saying, Bill, is once you let the women

start making all the decisions,

it's only a matter of time

before they kick you out of the cockpit

and they are flying the plane.

- What? - Face it, Bill.

In a marriage, the woman is the pilot.

The man is sitting in coach eating peanuts

and watching "Boomerang."

Which sort of muddies my point,
because that is a good movie.

You know what, I can't believe I'm gonna say this

but I actually think you're right.

Do you like that movie too?

No, no.

If I wanna get back into that cockpit

I gotta start making more decisions around here.

That's right. You gotta
take control of the situation.

Just like Eddie Murphy and
Arsenio Hall did in "Boomerang."

Okay, alright. Arsenio
Hall wasn't in "Boomerang."

He was in "Coming to America."

Oh, no.

I've been using the wrong movies

of life landmark for years.

[sighs] Oh, well. Easy-peasy. See you later.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Awesome news, guys.

I am this close to hooking up with Tara.

And I am this close to caring.

I found an activity she's into

and I signed up to do it with her.

"Model UN?"

Yeah, I'm not sure what the UN means

but I know I can do the modeling.

The UN stands for United Nations.

Each school represents a different country

and their student delegates
meet to solve the world's problems.

So you're saying I've got to find another girl?

No, no, no, you can do this.

- You just have to study. - Study?

I thought this was just another
bogus extra credit activity

like pep squad or math.

You're representing India, perfect.

I can teach you everything about it's history

economy and culture.

- And Tara will be yours. - Alright.

Please. Girls don't care about that stuff.

If you wanna impress Tara, you have to look good.

[chuckles] Good? I look great.

I'm talking about your clothes.

He's supposed to be dressed
like he's from India, right?

So let me put together a cool outfit for you.

Doesn't matter what he looks like.

Girls want a guy who's
smart, and knows the facts.

Sure they do. Goodbye, Johnny Depp.

My heart belongs to Al Gore.

Oh, now I see how to play this.

See, Tara's smart and good-looking, right?

You're smart and you're good-looking

so if both of you help me out

I should be able to pull this off.

Wait? Are you saying that I'm not smart?

No, I'm just saying you're really pretty.

Aw, thanks.

See how easy it is with the dumb ones.

[instrumental music]

[oven dings]

- Hey. - Hi!

Oh, I see you decided to make

chocolate chip cookies.

Yeah, your favorite.

[chuckles] Well, come on.

Shouldn't I be the one to decide that?

I mean, what if I'd wanted oatmeal and raisin?

Then, you'd be the one making the cookies

and I'd be the one standing
over there being a tool.

[laughs]

Keep it up, and this is off limits.

All of it.

Talk about the definition of an empty threat.

So whatchu' got going on?

Any decisions need to be made?

I'm not sure I understand.

You know, things that need deciding.

Well, I was thinking of
getting a haircut tomorrow, but-

Do it.

Okay, okay, I think I will.

- Thanks. Yeah. - You're welcome.

What else you got?

[sighs] I don't know, Bill

check the list on the fridge.

[Bill humming]

"Get bed spread." What's that mean?

Okay, at the risk of losing all that.

It means, I need to pick out a new bed spread.

No, no, I'll do it.

You wanna pick out the bed spread?

That's right.

Do you even know what to look for?

I know our bed, Susan.

I know what kind of spread it needs.

Well, it has to match the drapes.

Do you know what color they are?

I was gonna look.

[chuckles] Okay, okay.

Well, I'm gonna go pick up the kids from school.

Oh and just so you know..

...it means, I'm gonna get in the car

I'm gonna drive to the school

and I'm gonna pick up our children.

And just so you know. This is gone.

[chuckles] Okay.

[knocking on door]

Hold on.

Oh, hey, Faulkner.

I got a message you wanted to see me.

Ooh, cookies.

A-ha. Delicious.

You know, you landed quite a woman, Pearson.

How, I don't know.

Listen, I need to talk
to you about your new hot tub.

I can see it from my bedroom window.

And?

And I noticed that when
you use it, you're usually naked.

Oh, well, there's no better feeling

than sitting in a hot tub au naturale.

Just you, 500 gallons of bubbling water

and some well placed jets.

Okay, o-obviously, you're not getting this.

So let me say this as clearly as I can.

Put on a swimsuit.

Something that leaves plenty to the imagination.

Oh, I see what this is about.

You're disturbed by what you're seeing.

[chuckles] Yes, yes I am.

And it intimidates you.

I'll be honest, Pearson.

This sounds like more of
a you problem than a me problem.

So here's my advice. Stop looking.

If you can.

Oh, here's your paper.

Oh, my God.

[groaning]

[instrumental music]

Okay, who was Gandhi?

Uh..

Come on, Trent, you know this one.

I'm trying, but it's hard for me to concentrate

with the TV off and me wanting it to be on.

Check it out, I found a bunch
of really cool Indian outfits

we can put you in. Now what do you like?

"The Mumbai Mughal"

"The Punjabi Raj" or "The Kashmiri Rug?"

Okay, you're doing a crappy job, Bryan

because I didn't understand a word of that.

- Come on, which one? - Lauren, leave us alone.

If Trent's gonna impress Tara tomorrow

he needs to know this stuff.

It doesn't matter how much he knows

if he doesn't look good.

It doesn't matter how good he looks

if he thinks Bollywood is
an amusement park in Tennessee.

Which I don't..

...anymore.

I don't wanna live in a world

where looks are more important than brains.

Well, we don't want you here either

but there's nothing we can do about it.

Guys, guys, this is no time for fighting.

It's like Gandhi said, "Knock it off."

[instrumental music]

So Susan letting you pick out a bed spread?

"Letting me?"

No, I told her I was making this decision.

I'm getting back in that cockpit

and reclaiming my manhood.

Ooh, daffodils.

Hey, did I ever tell you my bed linen idea?

Scratch and sniff sheets.

- So, you have purple sheets. - Hmm.

You scratch it, it smells like grape.

[chuckles] Come on, Paul, this is important.

It doesn't have to be scratching either.

It can be any kinda friction,
if you know what I mean?

No, I don't have any idea.

I'm talking about getting
down and smelling grape.

Okay, I was being sarcastic.

And I was being nasty.

[scoffs]

God there's so many choices here.

Well, let's narrow it down, man.

What-what color is your bedroom?

I'm thinking it's kind of a white.

Okay, well, is it a porcelain, or Swiss Coffee?

Eggshell, bone? Oh, please tell it's bone.

Man, where do you start in a place like this.

There's like a thousand bed spreads.

Damn, feel how soft is this, Bill.

Oh, my goodness. It's
like a fondue for your face.

Do you think you're helping? 'Cause you're not.

- Alright, I'm sorry. - Hey, how about this one?

Yeah, I could see making love with Susan on that.

- What? - You.

Yeah, I could see you
making love with Susan on that.

What?

Bill, calm down. Just pick a bed spread.

- Let's get outta here.
- Paul, it's not that simple.

I made a huge deal out
of taking on this decision.

I cannot afford to blow this.

Look, it's not my fault that picking a bed spread

is the hill you chose to die on.

Alright, just think, think, alright.

Not this one. Susan would hate that one.

Definitely not that one.

And that one is just too..

Damn it! There's just so much pressure.

[scoffs] Bill, take a deep breath

and ask yourself one question.

What would Arsenio do?

Who cares?

Fine you know what, look,
I'm gonna go with this one.

Oh, no, Bill, this isn't fondue.

This is fon "don't"

[instrumental music]

Where's Trent?

His Model UN thing should have been over

a long time ago.

If he's smart, he's still dazzling Tara

with my statistics on grain exports.

That stuff is gold.

It's official.

You can make other plans
for the night of your prom.

Hey, how did it go with Tara?

It didn't.

She left with some dude named Sudan.

I get it, the first rule
of dating is, "Don't look needy,"

and that guy was asking everybody for food.

She wasn't impressed with
the clothes I picked out for you?

Not at all.

Didn't you blow her away

with my stats on infant mortality?

Yeah, it turns out, not a great icebreaker.

You probably said it wrong.

I'm sorry, Trent.

- We tried. - Yeah, don't worry.

I hooked up with a different girl

and actually you were both kinda right.

What do you mean?

Well, it turns out

you need both beauty and brains.

I just needed a girl who was smart enough

[chuckles] to realize I'm crazy hot.

And where exactly did you find this genius?

At the Model UN. She was representing Thighland.

- You mean, Thailand. - Ha-ha.
You haven't seen her.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Faulkner) 'Open the door, Pearson!'

Whoa!

- Oh, uh, hello there. - Uh..

- Hello, Mr. Faulkner.
- Um, is your husband home?

Uh, I'm afraid not. He's out buying linens.

Why doesn't that not surprised me?

Well, listen I just jumped into my hot tub

and a-a certain someone
apparently unplugged the heater.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, well, I don't mean to bother you.

I'll come back later when the
other lady of the house is here.

Uh, look, before you go, Ernest..

- Yes? - Uh..

You should know that your hot tub

has become a bit of a
delicate subject around here.

- Oh, It has? - Yes, yes, um..

It's little embarrassing to admit this

but I can see you from my bedroom window

and it's well, sometimes..

[chuckles] ...distracting.

- Distracting? Really? - Yes.

I'm afraid so.

Well, this is hard to resist.

Uh, sure.

So to keep a dicey situation from getting dicier

perhaps it would be best
for everyone if you would..

...wear a bathing suit.

Enough said.

I don't wanna cause you any undue duress.

Oh, and just to be extra safe...

...uh, maybe throw on a T-shirt?

As you wish, my lady.

And, uh, maybe you could be kind enough

to do something for me.

Okay?

I wouldn't object if the occasional pecan

found it's way into the
chocolate chip cookie recipe.

Mm, I don't change my recipe just for anybody

but for you I'm willing to be a little naughty.

[chuckling]

Well, don't be too naughty.

I don't wanna get bound up.

[instrumental music]

- You've been gone a long time.
- Yes, yes, I have.

But when you're picking up a bed spread, Susan

there's a lot to consider.

Color, weight, thread count

and a little thing you
might not be familiar with.

Fondueness.

Okay, well, let's have a look at it.

Oh, Bill, it's nice.

- You like it? - I do.

- It's just- - Oh, no, here it comes.

- Here what comes? - I knew it.

I knew you'd find something wrong with it

'cause you can't stand
that I was flying the plane.

[sighs] What plane?

The plane of our marriage, Susan.

You're in the cockpit making all decisions.

And I'm stuck in coach watching some movie

that Arsenio Hall may or may not be in.

Okay, alright, this little tantrum

has Paul's fingerprints all over it.

Oh, no, no, no. This isn't Paul's fault.
This is you.

The other day, when you asked me

what time I wanted to
have dinner, I said, 7:30 PM.

But you made the reservation for 8:00 PM.

Is that what this is about?

Do you know why I did that , Bill?

Because you are an African dictator.

Okay, that might have been Paul.

After you said 7:30 PM,
I realized that if we went early

we have to valet and you hate to valet.

Because you think it's a waste of money.

It is, it's $4.50, which means $5.

'Cause they know nobody
asks for their quarters back.

- You do. - Can we stay on point here?

Well, if you had to pay for parking

then you'd be stewing about
that through the entire meal

and you wouldn't order dessert
to make up for the valet charge.

You know how I hate to share my dessert

but you'd insist on having some

then we'd both go home in a crappy mood

and that is why I picked 8:00 PM.

Oh.

Well, why didn't you just say that the other day?

Because I don't have this kind of time!

[sighs] Bill.

During the week, I have
to make a lot of little decisions

and because I know you so well

I can make them with you in mind.

It's-it's sort of a marriage short hand.

But now on, if you want me to walk you through

my thought process every
time I have to make a decision

then I will.

Are they gonna take as long as that valet story?

'Cause that was a real snooze.

I never said it was exciting in here.

I guess I just wanna make sure

that my opinions still matters around here.

Like with the dinner reservations.

Did you ever consider
why I might've picked 7:30 PM?

'Cause you wanted to get home early and do it.

Aw, we do have marriage shorthand.

Yes, we do.

[chuckling]

But I still should've listen to what to say.

and next time I will.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Okay, now that that's out of the way.

What is wrong with the bed spread?

Honey, it's filled with down.

- So? - I'm allergic to down.

Oh, my, I forgot.

[sighs]

How allergic?

My tongue swells up and I could die.

But you like the color, right?

[ending theme]

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