All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s03e01 Give Me a Break.eng

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

- Hey, everybody. - Hi.

Hey, dad, check it out.

My friends and I found the
perfect hotel for spring break.

It's on the best beach in Cancun.

Wow, look at that white sand. Mm.

Hey, you know what, I know it's uncool

to take your parents with you, but it's different

since your mom and I are
still young and hip, right?

Okay, here's the rule. Using
the word "hip" means you're not.

- Word. Pound dog. - No. Please stop.

Well, the hotel looks great. I'm sure you're

going to have a great time, sweetheart.

Thanks, dad, you're the best.

[chuckles] And you are correct.

Bill, look at this.

I've been going over the budget
and things are kind of tight.

So unless something changes, I don't see how

we can afford to send Lauren on that trip.

What? That can't be right.

Oh, my God! Look how much
you're spending on groceries.

When I leave for work, do you set out

a buffet for the neighbors?

Food is expensive.

Well, you know what, quit buying
that organic, cage free stuff.

You and I grew up full of hormones

and pesticides, and we're just fine.

- You know, so far. - I buy regular food.

It's just, you don't know
what groceries cost these days.

Of course I do.

Oh, well, how much is a gallon of milk?

Ninety-five cents.

You want to see how much
95 cents worth of milk is?

- That much? - Wow.

I know the kids want another
dog, but we should get a cow.

Look, things cost more than you think.

And with your practice being slow

we don't have as much money coming in.

Honey, I know that.

But I'm a therapist, it's
hard to drum up new business.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? A radio ad?

"Come on down, it's Schizophrenic Saturday."

"Saturday, Saturday."

"Our prices are more insane than you are."

Don't think I haven't heard
you do that bit in the shower.

Oh.

Look, we're going to be
fine, but until things pick up

we can't afford anything unnecessary.

Okay, I hear you, and I get it.

Hey, dad, don't forget the deposit

for the hotel's due Thursday, I'm going out to

buy a new bikini for the trip.

Okay. Make sure it's a pretty one, sweetheart.

[door closes]

- Bill. - Okay, okay. I get it.

But, look, I have promised
her this trip for over a year.

And good times or bad, I'm
gonna make sure this thing happens.

Alright, well, just promise me, no radio ads.

Oh, come on.

"We will not be undersold."

"Our prices are lower than your self esteem."

[theme music]

- Hey, mom. - Hmm.

Where are my baby pictures?

I need them for biology assignment.

It's probably about cell mutation.

Things start normal and turn freaky.

Like, a fish with three eyes.

Or Trent.

Just so you know, you sleep
with your mouth open, and these

socks I've been wearing for
a week will fit right in there.

Sometimes I am just so proud of both of you.

I was in the garage and I found boxes of

pictures for Lauren and Brian but none for me.

Do you keep the cute pictures somewhere else?

Trent is looking for his baby pictures.

Oh.

- Where are they? - Um..

They're gone, sweetie.

- I'm so sorry. - Yeah.

Somehow they got lost
when we moved to this house.

What?! How could that happen?

Well, that's something I've
talked to your Uncle Paul about.

So there are no pictures of my childhood?

It's like I don't have a past.

Well, that lines up with you not having a future.

[instrumental music]

[music fades]

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

[switch clicks on]

- 'Bill.' - Oh, God!

Paul, how did you get in my office?

I had a key made, for emergencies.

Emergencies?

And snooping.

But don't make this about me, Bill.

I heard that you were talking to the landlord

about moving your office upstairs.

Yeah, I'm trying to find
a way to send Lauren on her trip

to Cancun, and I thought I could save

some money by taking a smaller office.

Bill, if I go see you
across the hall, it's casual.

If I have to go upstairs, it's needy.

You? Needy?

The guy that calls me at
bedtime just to say goodnight?

Besides, don't worry.

It's not gonna save me that much money

anyway so I'm not moving.

Well, look, if you really want to save money

why don't you just split an office with somebody?

[gasps] Wait a minute! What about us?

Hair replacement and therapy go hand in hand.

- Do they? - Yeah. Oh, man.

We could have theme days, you know.

Like, Hawaiian or groovy '70s.

Ooh! Ooh! Colonial times.

Dibs on Ben Franklin.

Okay, I don't think splitting
an office is such a good idea.

Alright, fine, you can be Ben Franklin.

Can I ask you a quick question?

When you pump your gas, do you put your face

right by the fumes?

[cellphone beeps]

Oh, hey, I got an email from Trent.

He sends the most outrageous videos.

Animals or women.

[chuckles]

Or spiritual messages..

...that really bring me closer to God.

Yeah well, that one is probably
about his baby pictures.

- He found out you lost them.
- You told him about that?

Oh, come on, you knew
this day was coming eventually.

Not necessarily.

I wasn't sure we'd be friends this long.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

I've been thinking about
Lauren's trip and going over

our household budget, and I think

I found some places where we can save some money.

I have already squeezed
every penny out of it, Bill.

And unless you run an extension cord over to

Faulkner's yard and use his electricity..

- You know.. - Bill.

They make green cords
that blend in with the lawn.

- Bill! - Okay.

Alright, but here's an idea.
I noticed you get your hair cut

and colored every six weeks.

Now, if we adjust that to every eight weeks

that's a huge savings.

Well, I'm game, but my
roots will never go for it.

You know, I planned on
growing old with you anyway.

And I love you for you.

So who cares about the superficial stuff?

Oh, Bill.

Plus, we can't afford to
go out, so no one will see us

together in public.

You always fumble right in the one yard line.

Alright, there's more.

I've been noticing how much you spend on clothes

and I think we can do better.

I don't spend a lot on clothes, Bill.

Right, but I found out our church

has a rummage sale every month.

Oh, so if I need a hat with a bird on it

I'll know where to go.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not.

[sighs] Look, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, but I don't see

how we can save enough money
to send Lauren on this trip.

I know, but she's so excited about it.

Well, she'll have to understand
that things are tight

right now, it's okay for kids
to be disappointed sometimes.

That's how real life works.

I know, I hear you. Hey, what about this?

We'll melt down your jewelry.

According to that commercial on TV

they are paying ridiculous prices for gold.

We have to tell her.

You know, if you had a
big old bird hat, you wouldn't

have to have your roots done so much.

Just saying.

Do you want me to talk to Lauren about it?

No, no. I promised her the trip, I'll do it.

- It's just.. - What?

Lauren and I have always
had a very special relationship.

I-I've never had to disappoint her before.

I've spoiled her, and I like that.

It's not like Trent and Brian

have been out plowing the fields.

I know, but it's different with Lauren.

You know, she looks at me like I'm her hero.

And I don't want to ruin that.

Honey, your relationship with Lauren

isn't based on things you've bought for her.

Mm, a little.

Yeah, okay, a little.

But you and I both know
it's much deeper than that.

She'll understand the situation
better than you think.

- She's gonna hate me. - Well, maybe.

But she's hated me from time to time.

Well, that's okay for you.

I'm a hero.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

- Hey. - Hey, Lauren.

Uh, since all my baby pictures are gone

maybe you can help me remember.

Was my eighth birthday party

the one with the princess bouncy house?

No, that was my eighth birthday.

[sighs] It's impossible to remember
my childhood without pictures.

What's there to remember anyway?

"Oh, I broke your Barbie, armpit fart. Ha-ha!"

That about covers it.

Well, wait, I want you to write that down.

It's all I have.

[knocking on door]

Hey, buddy.

Uncle Paul, what happened to all of my pictures?

Dad told me you lost them.

Listen, don't believe
everything your dad says, okay?

One time he told me that we were gonna

streak the field at a Broncos game

next thing I know, I'm in a holding cell

under Mile High Stadium butt naked..

...and your dad is "unavailable."

So you're saying you didn't lose my pictures?

No, they're gone.

Well, what happened?

Okay, I was helping your parents move

and I packed up my car with boxes.

When I got on the highway,
I picked up a hitchhiker.

I'm guessing it was a woman.

Not a woman, a goddess in cutoff jeans.

She got in, and there was instant chemistry.

Now, this may come as a surprise to you but

this kind of thing doesn't happen to me often.

You're understandably shocked.

Because you see me as Uncle Paul, the playboy

with an endless string of beautiful women.

Not really. You're always hanging out

with dad in the garage.

Well, if somebody ask, can
you pass along that playboy thing?

Anyways, the goddess and I, we stopped

at a waffle hut so that I could freshen up.

When I emerged from the
men's room ready for love..

- She had stolen your car?
- Everybody sees that coming.

Are you serious? That's
how all my photos were lost.

Look, I lost something
irreplaceable that day, too.

- My innocence. - Thanks a lot, Uncle Paul.

Okay, look, Trent, I knew that you might be upset

so, I found a way to recreate your past

using state of the art digital photography.

See, look, here's you at age three.

There's a new sheriff in town

- Huh? That's pretty funny,
huh? - Yeah, it's hilarious.

Oh, come on, I thought this would

take your mind off of the whole thing.

Look, this is you on your seventh birthday.

Really whacking at that pinata.

"Dundee is the candy?"

"A key."

Can you un-godfather somebody?

Yeah, it's been done to me twice.

- I'm not surprised. - Oh, come on, Trent.

Look, you want to go younger?

Here's you naked on the bare skin rug.

[sighs]

I really should not be carrying this around.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Come in.

Hey, what do you think?

I think I like the one piece with the little

seahorses on it you had when you were five.

It's spring break, dad. Girls
don't go wild in a one piece.

I'm kidding.

Alright, well, give me a minute.

My heart attack just had a stroke.

I think this is so perfect for Cancun.

Or for running through
the sprinklers in the backyard?

Spring break's really just a state of mind.

What is up, dad?

Okay, come here, I want
to talk to you about this trip.

Money is really tight for the family right now.

"So don't buy a lot of souvenirs," got you.

Yeah.

- Actually.. - What?

[sighs]

We don't have the money to send you on this trip.

I am so sorry.

So you're saying I can't go?

I know it's upsetting, but when things improve-

But you promised.

Honey, I need you to look at the bigger picture.

I can't believe you! You
knew what this trip means to me.

Okay, bigger picture than that.

- You know what? Leave me alone. - Sweetheart..

I can't even look at you right now.

- Let's talk about this. - Just go!

[door slams]

Lauren..

[mellow music]

Well, she hates me.

Thank you very much, I believe
you said she'll understand.

Not tonight, I meant eventually.

Well, you conveniently left
out that little tidbit, didn't you?

Look, Bill, calm down, Lauren will get over it.

Oh, you don't know that.

That's just something you say to reassure people.

It's like at a funeral when everybody says

"Oh, he's in a better place."

You don't know if that guy went up or down.

If you think this is gonna permanently damage

your relationship with Lauren,
you're underestimating her.

Honey, what just happened for her was traumatic.

And traumatic moments scar people.

Like when I was eight, they made me wear a dress

in our school play of "Clementine" because

I wasn't tall enough to be a cowboy.

And you know what? To this day, I hate that song.

Well, you just need to give it some time.

It's been over 40 years.

I meant with Lauren.

Oh, good, so you're saying when she's 62

maybe she will have forgiven me.

Perhaps.

? Oh my darling ?

? Oh my darling- ?

Not cool, Susan, not cool.

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

[cheering on TV]

[knocking on window]

[door opens]

Hey, Trent.

I feel terrible about what
happened to your baby pictures.

I feel terrible you got into the backyard

without setting off some kind of alarm.

Like, I've been thinking about it, and I've..

I think I figured out a way to make this right.

- Here you go. - What's this?

Every picture from my childhood.

Oh, God. You're not gonna
make me look at them, are you?

No, like, you know I thought about it and there's

no way that I can give
you back your baby pictures.

So, the only way to make us
even is to let you destroy mine.

So, take this..

...and set all of my precious..

...irreplaceable..

...one of a kind memories on fire.

- Okay. - Dude!

[blows] What are you doing?!

You're supposed to say no.

So you really didn't mean it.

No. It's an empty gesture.

It's like saying, "Let me get the check."

O-o-or offering to give blood when you know

you just got a tattoo in Mexico.

So your plan to make me feel
better was just another joke?

No, okay, look, I'm sorry, I..

Look, I've been racking my brain trying to

figure out how to fix this, okay?

And, I feel awful.

So if it'll make you feel
better to destroy my pictures

then, yeah, you should do it.

Okay? But I am not going to watch.

- Okay. - Dude!

- What?! You said burn it! - Okay, alright.

You did, I.. Go, do it! Go ahead! No!

Yes, do it! I don't wanna see it. Wait!

No! Do it! I don't care!

It means nothing to me.

Please don't do it! No! What am I saying?

I don't want those pictures!

Burn them! Please don't!

Oh, my God! Are you doing it?

'Cause I smell smoke.

[sobbing] Oh! I'm sorry, mama.

[laughing]

What's so funny? I'm in-I'm in pain over here.

I'm not going to do it, Uncle Paul.

Well, you can if you want to. Don't you do it!

I guess what you said is true.
You can't fix this.

Maybe sometimes crappy things just happen.

Yeah.

Is this a picture of you at the Grand Canyon?

- Yep. - Who's that dude next to you?

That's my mama.

Mama Dufrain.

Oh, she-she's lovely.

She was a wrestler.

Night Train Dufrain.

[instrumental music]

Morning, sweetheart.

It says here, your quarterback may get

a scholarship to University of Colorado.

[cabinet door thuds]

And this guy taught his pet parrot

all the dialogue from "Return to the Jedi."

That's so weird.

[chuckles] Crazy.

Hey, hey, fun fact, right there.

You just used 95 cents worth of milk.

Thinking about getting a cow instead of a dog.

I'm still really mad at you.

Yeah, I got that.

And, sweetheart, I tried everything.

- I'm not done. - Okay.

I know money is tight.

But you made a promise to me and you broke it.

- And I tried really hard- - Still not done.

Right.

You've never done anything like that before.

- Now? - Obviously.

Come here and sit down for a second.

I want to tell you something.

I love being a dad.

But this is one of those
times when it just sucks.

I never want to disappoint you kids.

- Especially you. - Why me?

[sighs]

Because it's different
with daddies and daughters.

When boys are growing up, they just need someone

to wrestle with or occasionally
pull their finger.

- Ew! - Exactly.

But with girls..

...it's all about magic and fairy tales.

And your knight in shining armor

in all your fairy tales was me.

And I always wanted it to be that way.

Because that is the best dad feeling ever.

[breathing deeply]

Well, we had a good run.

Yeah.

Look, I know telling me I couldn't go

wasn't the easiest thing.

But you're just gonna have to accept

that I'm gonna be mad for a while.

And when I'm done..

...you'll get your shiny armor back.

I can live with that.

[lips smacking]

So..

I heard cabinet doors slamming.

She didn't put your head in there, did she?

No. No, she didn't.

So is she scarred forever?

Susan..

...when kids are mad at you, it doesn't mean

they're gonna stay mad
at you the rest of their lives.

You'll learn that someday.

- Come here. - Why?

You want a little sugar, do you?

Well..

It's just that..

...you were lost.

And...gone.

Forever.

? Dreadful sorrow Clementine.. ?

Keep it up, you're getting
a bird hat for your birthday.

Oh, wait! You know what's on TV tonight? "Roots."

[instrumental music]

[outro theme]

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