All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e12 Honey Do.eng

[instrumental music]

[drilling machine whirring]

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing wearing my tool belt?

Well, you know, that chain

you kept promisin' to put on?

I did it. With this.

[drill machine whirs]

How does my tool belt even fit you?

I put a new hole in it with your leather punch.

I have a leather punch?

Well, you might know it
better as your spider killer.

Yeah, well, hey, when the other spiders here..

[blows raspberries] ...it sends a message.

Yeah, well, look at this, look at this.

I installed those new cabinet doors

I bought on eBay.

- Wow. - Huh? Yeah.

And I replaced the sink trap

that was leaking.

- You did all this? - Yeah.

How long was I gone?

I bought a book on home repairs.

It shows you how to do simple projects.

But I told you I was gonna do this stuff.

Oh, Bill, Bill, honey, you haven't done

any of your honey-do projects in months.

Well, excuse me.

I've been bringing a lot of

reading home from work.

You mean your subscription to

Golf Digest?

Obviously somebody didn't know how much

work it takes to correct a slice.

I'm just having so much fun doing this stuff.

In fact, you know what, I
think I'll go upstairs, have a bath

and read all about grout.

Okay, there's not much to it.
There's sand, there's-

Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup. Don't ruin it for me.

[tool belt clinking]

[knocking on door]

Hey, Faulkner.

I was out walking and I found

this eyesore in your yard.

A basketball.

It's a slippery slope, Pearson.

Today it's a ball, tomorrow

it's a rusty Camaro up on blocks.

You can't be serious.

You know I'm the neighborhood
beautification captain.

You know you made that position up.

I'm just saying, I've been getting

a lot of complaints about you.

From who?

Anonymous.

Okay, well, when you run
into anonymous, you tell him-

Or her.

If they have a problem, they can come see me.

We'll have a beer, we'll grill a steak.

We'll talk about it.

Well, I happen to know this guy-

Or girl.

Okay.

Well, they're a bit of a wallflower.

So, maybe you bag up the meal
and leave it on your sidewalk.

Hey, maybe I'll throw in a wet nap, in case

he or she doesn't wanna get
food caught in their mustache.

- Yeah, anonymous hates that. - Yeah.

[theme music]

[Bryan grunting]

This thing weighs a ton.
How much do you think is in it?

Well, dad's been throwing
change in there for so long

I doubt the money at the bottom is still good.

Hey, guys, what're you doin'?

Your big water jug is finally full

and you said when it was it was ours to split.

- Yes, I did. - Yeah.

We're trying to find out how much

is in it so we're asking the internet.

Try searching for "Five gallon

water bottle and coins."

Or try searching "Why don't

three lazy kids just count it?"

Well, there's nothing here.

Oh, but there is a video of a shaved chipmunk

waterskiing behind a tiny boat.

Wil you turn that off. That
is so demeaning for the animal.

Yeah, but what a proud moment
for the duck driving the boat.

Hey dad, how much money do you think is in there?

Yeah, there's gotta be like 1000 bucks, right?

Yeah, it's mostly pennies,
but I bet it's still a few 100.

That's all?

That's only like a 100 bucks each.

Oh, yeah. Free money. Ugh!

You don't get it. I wanted to buy an iPhone.

And I was gonna get an Xbox.

And I had my eye on a complete

wireless weather station.

I don't think the forecast is for popularity.

Well, this blows.

There's only enough money
for one of us to get what we want.

Well, I think I should get it.

- I think I should get it. - I'm the oldest.

- I'm the youngest. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If a duck and a chipmunk
can get along then why can't we?

Well, do what you want,
but I think you should split it.

Just remember greed is an ugly color on people.

Green.

No, son, it's greed.

No, that's not a color.

Oh, and you were walking at seven months.

Hey, instead of splitting it, how about we have

some kind of contest, winner takes all?

How about we see who can name all the elements

on the periodic table?

Come on. That's anybody's game.

Why don't we each guess
how much is in the container

whoever's closest, gets it.

- I like it. - Okay by me.

Now wait, are we gonna count how many

coins there are or how much money is in it?

Oh, right, it's the same either way.

And then there were two.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey, man.

Would it bother you if I shaved my goatee?

Why would I care?

Hello, we've been goatee buddies for 20 years.

I mean, if you shaved yours,
it wouldn't hurt me physically

but emotionally it would cut pretty deep.

Have you had your house checked for gas leaks?

So what are you doing?
You working on something here?

No, I came home and caught
Susan wearin' my tool-belt.

Ooh.

? Bow-chica-bowk-bow-chow ?

Alright, stop it.

- It's not that kind of story. - Oh.

- She bought a book. - Ooh, a book.

? Bow-chica-bowk-bow-bow ??

It's a book on home repair.

Ooh.

I got nothing for that.

Anyway, I came home and I found her

fixing all this stuff that I was gonna get to.

Uh-oh. This is extremely significant.

It could be life-changing.

Life changing as in your Virgin Mary pancake?

Hey, I could have made a lot of money on that

if I wasn't so damn hungry.

I gotta tell you, seein' her
do all these home repair projects

that I was gonna do, just doesn't sit right.

Well, you darn right. It shouldn't.

This is a declaration of war, Bill.

You know, after 19 years
of being the man of the house

she's invading your territory.

Yeah, it's weird, 'cause she's never shown

any interest in this kind of stuff.

No, she fired a shot across the bow.

It's time for you to return fire, my friend.

Okay. Could you talk like a normal person?

What I'm saying, Bill,
is she did some of your jobs

so why don't you do one of hers?

It'll freak her out and
make her go back to her own turf.

- No, I don't know. - Oh, come on, Bill!

You gotta go on the offensive, man.

You gotta storm that beach,
crawl through the sand..

And whatever you do, for God's sakes man

don't take your helmet off.

"Saving Private Ryan" on cable again last night?

I love that movie.

[instrumental music]

[pots and pans rumbling]

- 'Hey.' - Hey.

- What-what are you doing?
- What's it look like I'm doing?

- I'm making dinner. - You're making dinner?

Yeah. In your apron.

Does that bother you?

No. What are you, what are you makin'?

I don't know yet.

Oh, you cook like you drive.
No directions needed.

Do we get where we're going?

- Eventually. - Thank you.

[chuckles] Oh, Bill, Bill, Bill.

You're using my frosting knife.

Does that bother you?

No, but it doesn't have a sharp edge.

It's just, it's not gonna cut anything.

Okay, it's not the tool

it's the man who's using it.

- Okay? - Okay.

[clatters]

[Susan laughs]

I'm gonna boil that.

[chuckles] Yum. Boiled onion.

What, uh, what else are we havin'?

Well, I don't know. Let me check
my new cookbook that I bought.

Oh, yes.

Let's see. Ooh.

I think I'll puree something.

Bill, that's pur�e.

Look, Susan, if you'd rather not

have me in your kitchen, just say so.

No! No, no, I think it's great.

I really appreciate it.

In fact, since you're making

dinner, I'm gonna go

hang that shelf in the closet.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I'm sorry. Is the man of the house at home?

What do you want?

Is there twig on my lawn that's got

the neighbors all up in arms?

[laughs] Very funny.

The last time I was here,
you questioned my authority

as neighborhood beautification captain.

[chuckles] The position that doesn't exist.

Oh, well, if it doesn't
exist, then how do you explain

these credentials?

Alright, looked like a
punch card from a donut shop

but I'll bite.

Where is this going?

Well, it turns out that noise pollution

is a big issue, and I've
had some complaints about you.

I'm gonna have to confiscate your leaf blower.

I don't think so.

Can I borrow your leaf blower?

No.

I'm gonna have to confiscate your leaf blower.

Okay. Bye bye.

I have credentials.

[instrumental music]

[coins rattling]

Well, that's all of it. Let's start counting.

Wait, where are the guesses we wrote down?

- I've got them right here.
- Why do you get to hold them?

Yeah.

Because I'll remember

where I put them.

And I won't keep them in my

pocket with my boogers.

[coins clinking]

Nine dollars and eight cents.

Okay, put it in the counted pile.

[coins clattering]

- Okay, $13.22. - Oh!

[coins clattering]

That's the uncounted pile, Trent.

Okay, nobody move, I think
I know which ones they were.

No, I lost 'em.

No, I must have told her
that ten times, I said 3:30.

No, I said let's meet at 3:30.
How does 3:30 mean 4:45?

(Lauren) Tell her to call me on my cell.

3-0-3-4-5-8-2-

[grunts] Lauren! You messed me up.

[coins clattering] Now, I have to start all over.

Did she mess you up too, Trent?

Trent!

[gasps]

What?

You were sleeping.

Why would you wake someone up to tell them that?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I think if she's gonna use my tools

she could at least put them away.

- Hey, Bill. - Oh, am I glad you're here.

Wow, is that sarcasm?

Your stupid plan backfired.

"Move in on Susan's turf.
" Yeah, that was a bright idea.

Bill, my advice is for
entertainment purposes only.

Past performance does
not guarantee future results.

What?

There was no movies last
night, only infomercials.

Your results may vary.

Yeah, well, you wanna hear what my result was?

Not only what Susan okay with me making dinner

she used that time to finish all the projects

on my honey do list.

Wow. Okay, Bill. You know
what, we gotta up the ante.

We need to come up with a project that is so big

it will intimidate her out
of the home repair business.

You got somethin'. That's a good idea.
Alright, let's think.

- Let's think. What could I do? - Alright.

I got it. Dig a pool.

Okay, something a little smaller.

[excitedly gasps] Hot tub.

? Bow-chica-bouk-kow- ??

Could you focus, please?

Alright.

Electricity is impressive.

Why don't you put in a new electrical panel.

'Cause I could get killed doing that.

Doesn't seem to me like
you're in this to win this, Bill.

[claps] I got it. I got it. Yes!

Now, what did I do with
them? What I did I do with them?

Here they are.

Okay, I bought these faucet handles

for our guest bathroom about a month ago

and I never installed
them and this is a bigger job

than Susan's ever done.

Alright. Alright. I think you got something here.

I just, you got me so excited about the hot tub.

- Get out. - Alright.

Well, just promise me
you-you haven't ruled it out.

- Just go. - Hmm.

[knocks on window] Hot tub!

[instrumental music]

[coins clattering]

Alright, Bry, what's the total?

Four hundred, sixty two dollars and seven cents.

And I triple checked the math.

Your need for constant approval, sad.

Alright, let's get to the guesses.

- Trent guessed $264.50. - Awesome.

You're off by almost $200.

Yeah, but I have four of the five numbers.

I guessed $413.

Look who's only 50 bucks away.

And Brian guessed four hundred..

(both) Forty-six dollars and thirty-eight cents.

Yes, I won! That weather station is mine.

Can you tell which way the wind's blowing people?

To the bank!

How am I gonna move this?

Why did you put it up there, Trent?

Oh, see, that's the genius. The cart has wheels.

So you can roll it right out.

Or we could have just
rolled the bottle on its side.

But hey, your way is harder and more dangerous.

[Bryan grunts]

It's too heavy.

You guys have to help me get it downstairs.

Why, it's not our money.
Come on, Trent. Let's go.

What? I can't move it by myself.

Come on, guys. This isn't fair.

Would you say you're devastated?

Like when you found out
Pluto was demoted to an asteroid?

Stop reading my diary!

"Dear Diary, some planets
just can't catch a break."

[instrumental music]

[clattering outside]

Bill?

[curtains clinking]

Hi.

[chuckles] What are you-what are you doin'?

Uh, installing those faucet

handles I bought about a month ago.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not quite done.

Well, do they go as well with

the tub as we thought they would?

[curtains clanks]

Yes.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Everything's great.

- Paul? - Hi.

Bill is doing a heck of a job.

Thanks, man.

- Sure. - Okay. Okay.

Well, uh, you two guys

get back to work.

(both) Okay.

[curtains clanks]

[Bill and Paul whispering]

[curtains clattering]

[Susan gasps]

What did you do?

Ok-ok-okay. Um.

I was putting on the faucet handles

and I stripped the head-

That was before I got here.

And when I did that, that meant
I had to replace the cartridges.

Also before I got here.

And to do that I had to go into the drywall

and that's when this happened.

Yeah, I was here for that. It was hard to watch.

Susan, honey, I know this looks bad.

But I totally have this under control.

Right, Paul?

Would you like to go home, Paul?

Yes, please.

If I ever put in a hot tub,
you're going nowhere near it.

I know you don't mean that.

So what's your plan now?
Just hang a giant shower caddy?

Do they make 'em that big?

You know what, there's some stuff about drywall

in my "How to" book. Let me go get it.

You know what, stay. Na, na.
Stop with that stupid book.

That's how this whole thing got started.

All, all of what? What are you talking about?

'Cause you went out and bought that book and then

strapped on my tool belt
and went nuts fixing things.

So I fixed a few things.
Why are you so mad at me?

I'm not mad at you. I'm-I'm mad at me.

I mean, look at this.
I've demolished our bathroom..

Just trying to prove that
I'm the man of the house.

Honey, why would you need to prove that?

I don't know. I mean, I shouldn't.

I spend all-day telling
my patients that marriage is a

you know, a partnership and
that you shouldn't get caught up

in what men and women are supposed to do.

But?

But every once in a while

this little guy shows up in my head

and start saying things like

"That's not her job. That's your job."

- This little guy? - Yes.

He's this voice in my head that

says that men are supposed to be the protectors

and the providers and the ones who fix things

and that that's what makes a man a man.

Yeah, this little guy sounds
a bit like a Neanderthal.

Actually, the little guy sounds like my dad.

Oh, my God, he's my dad!

I don't have room for him in here.

[laughing]

Anyway, that's why I've been acting

so nuts the last few days.

So does that mean it's
alright for me to fix things?

Oh, of course, it is.

Is that gonna rile up the little guy?

No.

I'm not saying he won't
chime in from time to time

but, you know, you feed
him enough beer and pork rinds

he'll-he'll keep quiet.

So what do you think of the handles?

They're nice.

They really take your eye away

from the giant hole in the wall.

[laughs]

- I'm sorry about all that. - You know, it's..

- I love you. - I love you too.

[chuckles] But if I catch you in the shower again

with your best friend, then
we're gonna have some issues.

[instrumental music]

How's it going, moneybags?

Yeah, what's the forecast

on you movin' that bottle?

Just go away.

Hey, if it's too heavy, maybe

Trent and I can help you move it.

Would you?

Sure, for say 25 bucks a piece.

Forget it. I'll do it myself.

Cool. See you later.

Okay, okay.

- Twenty bucks. - Twenty bucks.

And you can check the dewpoint anytime you want.

Thirty and we won't tell anyone

that you wear Power Rangers underwear.

It's Transformers.

And deal.

- Okay, let's do this. - Alright.

On three. Okay?

One. Two. Three.

[screaming in slomo]

[loud crash]

[crashing and coins clattering]

Oh, that's noticeable, huh?

- What have you done? - My stove.

You've demolished our house.

It's their fault.

I won the money but they made me pay

them to get the bottle down off the cart.

Which technically we did, so pay up.

Uh, I got news for you kids.

That money is now mine.

And I don't care how long it takes, none of you

are going to college until that is paid for.

But that's not fair. That doesn't punish Trent.

Go get get some trash bins and brooms.

You three are cleanin' this up.

What are we gonna do, Bill?

[Bill sighs] Well..

[belt clanking]

You fix this. I'll make dinner.

[theme music]

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