Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, honey. What're you doin'?

Just hangin' a little mistletoe.

Uh. On the headboard, too.

Mm, this year, I'm rigging all the hot zones.

William Pearson, if there is one of those tied to the..

Oh! For God..!

[laughs]

And once again, I'll be going mobile with my mistletoe hat.

I thought that was lost

- I found it. - I threw it away.

- I went through the trash. - Ugh!

You are such a dork

but I love how excited you get about Christmas.

I can't help it. It's the most magical time of the year.

Oh, man. He went through the trash after it.

Did I not say "Burn it?" I said "Burn it."

Hey, sweetie. What's up?

Uh, Scott invited me over to his house tomorrow night.

Is it okay if I go?

Tomorrow night's Christmas Eve.

You know, we always spend that night together

as a family. It's a tradition.

Just because we do it every year doesn't mean it's a tradition.

Well, your argument's not with me, sweetheart.

It's with the dictionary.

And no, you're not spending

Christmas Eve with your boyfriend.

Well, I did ask for disappointment this year.

Looks like I got it.

Why would she wanna go

somewhere else on Christmas Eve?

It's the greatest night of the year.

She's just a smitten teenager.

But she's always loved our little traditions.

You know, decorating the tree

me reading "The Night Before Christmas."

The Pearson present express train.

Well, her interests are changing.

It used to be getting presents, playing with dolls.

Now it's clothes and boys.

Next thing you know, she'll be-

Alright, I don't know

where you're going with this..

I'm just saying, the kids are getting older.

But it shouldn't matter how old you are

you should never lose that Christmas spirit.

We just have to remind the kids how great it is.

- How? - We'll go all out.

You can make a really special Christmas Eve dinner.

Oh, unlike other years when I just crack open

a can of beans, throw out five spoons

and say,"Have at it?"

I'm just saying we gotta do all we can.

For the kids.

- Ugh. - Please?

Alright, alright, I am willing to do my part

but you are gonna have to get rid of the hat.

Okay.

You have another one of these, don't you?

No...I have two.

[theme music]

- Uh, hey. - Hey, sweetie!

- Okay. - Alright.

I think I got everyone's favorites.

Sweet potatoes and marshmallows for Lauren.

Green beans and bacon for Bryan

and canned cranberry sauce.

So Trent can poke holes

in the slices and make smiley faces.

[laughs]

I taught him that.

I know.

Hey, did Bryan's telescope get here yet?

I ordered it over a week ago.

No. Did you pay for three day shipping?

Why pay for three day shipping when seven days shipping

usually gets it here in three days?

But it didn't.

I'm a gambler, Susan.

Hey, Trent. What're you doing?

I'm downloading some music

for my snowboarding trip.

In two days, I'll be doing a method air fakie

(Trent) 'with a front side grab off the walls'

and the sickest half pipe in the Rockies.

All I heard was blah, blah, blah, emergency room.

Alright, but report cards are coming today

so just remember our agreement.

You can't go on that trip if you get any Cs.

- Yeah, I know. - Or Ds.

I don't remember agreeing to that.

No, I'm kidding. I'm in good shape.

The only class I was really worried about

was chemistry, but I'm pretty sure I nailed the final.

Great.

Hey, while you're making a playlist

make one of Christmas songs.

Ooh! Ooh! And put that barking dog

jingle bell song on there.

- Why? - 'Cause it's catchy.

Can you imagine having all those talented dogs in one room?

Yeah. I'm gonna go do this upstairs.

Come on, Susan, sing with me.

"Ro, ro, ro.." Where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go help Trent with his lame excuse.

[knocking on door]

Hey, neighbor. Merry Christmas.

Oh, and a very merry over- hyped marketing scam to you, too.

What can I do for you?

You can turn off all the blinking lights

on your house. They're fading my curtains.

Come on, Mr. Faulkner It's Christmas Eve.

No better time to reach out and love thy neighbor.

Are you coming on to me, Pearson?

Hey, what are you doing later?

Why don't you have dinner with us?

No, I'm not into this Christmas nonsense.

Count me out.

Oh, Mr.Faulkner, you really should come.

Oh, well..

If the lady of the house insists, I'd be honored.

- Great. Come about five. - See you then.

Oh, and no turnips. They give me gas.

Oh, did I hear you say you like turnips?

Love 'em!

And seat me next to this guy.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bill. Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Paul. - Thanks.

Yeah, I thought your mom was coming town today.

Oh, yeah, she is, but before she gets here

I was wondering, could you do me a huge favor?

Sure.

Could you punch me in the face

as hard as you can?

I need for you to send me to the hospital.

You know, some place where I can't have any visitors.

[chuckles] Why don't you want to spend time with your mom?

It's nothing but constant criticism.

How come you don't call me more often?

How come you're not married?

How come you have so many moisturizers in your bathroom?

Yeah, what is all that stuff for?

Bill, do you think this just happens?

Hey, here it is. The Pearson present express.

- Wow, you still doing this? - Mm-hmm.

Don't you think the kids are a little too old

to have their first presents

brought out on a choo-choo train?

No. The kids look forward to this every year.

It's their favorite tradition.

Without the train, it's just not Christmas.

[cellphone ringing]

Well.. Sorry, uh..

[phone beeping]

Hi, mom. Yeah, I'm at the airport right now.

I don't see you.

Yeah, well, uh, I've been circling for an hour.

Okay. Yeah, I'll, I'll come around again.

Alright. Ooh. Wow, somebody's cranky.

She didn't have her peanuts on the plane.

So you need some help with this?

- Paul, airport. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, mom. - Hey.

So, uh, dad told me you got me the telescope I asked for

and I just wanted to say thanks.

Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.

I just hope it gets here in time.

It's not here?

Well, it has to be here by tomorrow

or I'm gonna miss the comet.

Well, look, I'm really busy, love.

If you want the tracking number

it's on your dad's nightstand.

Mm.. Boy, dinner smells great.

I know. It's Faulkner's turnips.

Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!

You're not trying to sneak out to go to Scott's, are you?

No, I'm just dropping off this gift

for the underprivileged.

Mm. Why does it say "To Scott?"

Are you trying to tell me that in this whole country

there's not one underprivileged person named Scott?

[chuckles] That's crazy, dad.

I'll see you.

Lauren!

I just wanna give him his gift. Mom!

You can give it to him tomorrow.

Yeah, tonight's Christmas Eve, and that's family time.

Is 364 days a year not enough for you people?

Alright, well, when you're ready, come on down.

We'll string popcorn.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Mr.Faulkner.

Come in. Can I take your coat?

This is for the missus. It's a shampoo and conditioner.

So really, uh, two gifts.

Thank you. Honey, this is from Mr. Faulkner.

Huh? Oh, hey..

Okay, turn and look at his head.

Do it now. Do it now. Do it now. Do it now.

Thank you, M-Mr. Faulkner.

Please, call me Ernest.

- Ernest. - I also brought your mail.

- Oh, thanks, Ernest. - Watch your mouth.

Uh, Trent, your report card's here.

Mm. Do I smell yams?

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-mm.

- Where are my grades? - Right here.

Hey, Mr.Faulkner.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

- Is that happening? - Affirmative.

Outstanding.

Mr.Faulkner, I'm so glad you decided to join us.

Well, just because I'm here doesn't mean

I'm buying into any of your holiday hoopla.

Well, that's about to change, because there's no better way

to get in the Christmas spirit

than to spend it right here with us.

What? I got a C in chemistry.

Now I can't go on my snowboarding trip.

Oh, I'm sorry, pal.

But, hey, tonight's not the night to get down.

This blows!

Your daughter seems pretty upset.

- That's Trent. - I thought her name was Tanya.

- No, his name is Trent. - Oh, yeah. Here's Tanya.

No, that's Lauren.

Lauren, you ready to string popcorn?

I'm not talking to you!

It's like being in a Norman Rockwell painting.

My telescope is stuck in Detroit. Thanks a lot.

He knows about his telescope?

Well, the little sneak tricked me.

Well, great, now his best present won't be a surprise.

Oh, now I'm starting to feel that Christmas spirit

you were talking about.

? Fa la la la la la la la ??

[blows raspberry]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Scott, it's me again.

Um, not sure if you got my message.

- Call me. - Six times in an hour?

I think you're the one not getting the message.

And you're the one not going on the snowboarding trip.

Uh, I-I should be going. I really studied.

I should've gotten an A on that test.

Yeah, how tough is it

to find oxidation numbers and ionic charges?

I should have gotten a B on that test.

I can't believe I'm gonna miss that comet.

I'm going to be 40 years old next time it comes back.

Don't worry, you'll be single

and will have plenty of time on your hands.

Alright, everybody, I found something

that will take your mind off your troubles.

Finally, some booze.

Let's set up the landing strip for Santa's sleigh.

Well, we don't want to put up too many lights.

We don't want any airplanes..

(all) Landing on our lawn.

Okay, you're right. Maybe it's too late for that.

Alright, you know what?

Why don't we just skip forward

to a tradition I know you all love?

Let me get my Santa glasses, and we will read

"The Night Before Christmas."

- Dad, we did that already. - No, we didn't.

It was worth a shot.

Dad, do we have to listen to that this year?

Well, maybe Mr.Faulkner would like to hear-

Pass!

Alright, you know what? Nobody lose your holiday spirit.

I'll be right back.

How long till dinner?

- 15 minutes. - 15 minutes?

I'm dying in here.

Honey, I'm sorry

today's not going the way you want.

Just got to find a way to get 'em

out of their own little worlds

and back into the Christmas spirit.

[snapping fingers] I got it!

Bill, if I see that mistletoe hat come out

I swear I will beat you with a turkey leg.

No, no. I'm talking about breaking out the big gun.

The Pearson present express.

Already? But we always save that for the end of the night.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

I'm just trying to save our Christmas.

Come on, Susan.

Alright, everybody, all aboard.

The Pearson present express

is about to depart the North Pole.

Oh, I can't believe we're doing this already!

That's the spirit.

Next up.. Pearson family Christmas.

Now, as always, mom goes first.

[sighs]

[clattering]

- What the..?! - Is it broken?

Ooh, that could take a while to fix.

- I'm gonna go call Scott. - No, no!

I'll be the train. Okay, here we go.

- You're not gonna- - Woo-woo!

Alright, now, honey, don't forget

before you open it, you have to say

what you're grateful for.

Okay, I am grateful that we're all together

and that we have this special guest

to share in our joy.

My cheeks are on fire.

Oh, honey! Honey for my collection.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

And because we do have a special guest

he gets a present, too.

Alright, but spare me the-

Woo-woo!

Alright now, Mr. Faulkner, don't forget

you have to say something you're grateful for

before you open it.

Oh, I'm, uh, grateful for, uh..

[mumbling]

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

That's because I mumbled a bunch of nonsense.

Hey, it's got my name on it.

That's very, uh. Very, very, uh..

Well, thanks. Who's next?

Well, that leaves the kids.

So let's see who gets the next delivery.

Dad, do we have to keep doing this?

- Yeah, it's kind of lame. - Hey, come on, guys.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

You guys always love this.

We're not little kids anymore, dad.

Really? Is that how all three of you feel?

Okay.

I give up.

[instrumental music]

You okay?

No. No, I'm not okay.

All I have heard all day long is "Me, me, I, I, I."

When did our kids become so self centered?

I'm telling you, Susan, it's like they could care less

that it's Christmas.

No, honey, they still care.

No, not like they used to.

Remember how Lauren used to try

to stay up all night

just so she could hear Santa's sleigh bells?

And...Trent always begging us

to go Christmas tree shopping in October.

Little Bryan would get so excited

when he smelled peppermint.

[chuckles]

I mean, it seems like just last year he ate that candle.

That was Trent, and it was last year.

We've done all we can do.

And tonight was a complete failure.

The kids have totally lost their Christmas spirit.

[sighs] And that just breaks my heart.

We always tried to give the kids the feeling..

...that Christmas was a magical time..

...that all they had to do was embrace

the Christmas spirit and anything could happen.

Well, I think on some level they still believe it.

I don't know.

Maybe they've outgrown it.

Maybe it's time I did, too.

Well, this is awkward.

What's Dad's deal?

Yeah, why can't he just accept

that we don't wanna do this Christmas stuff anymore?

How many years is he gonna make us

listen to stories and get gifts on trains?

You telling me he does this every year?

- Yeah. - Why?

What's the point of spending

all this time and money, turning a house

into some kind of a fairyland?

Exactly.

Well, he clearly, he only does it for himself.

Well, I don't think he does it just for himself.

Oh, sure he does, Tanya.

I mean, do you think anyone would miss

uh, all these stupid Christmas stories?

Or the stockings? Or the choo-choo train?

I mean, well, the Pearson present express

is a lot better when it's working.

Yeah, well, it brought me a cool set of headphones last year.

Yeah, but couldn't he just leave 'em on the counter

so you could pick 'em up on your way

to wherever you're going on Christmas?

No. He wants us all to be together.

Well, I guess I was lucky.

My old man never bothered

with any of that Christmas stuff.

What do you mean? Like no tree, no gifts?

No, you never catch him pushing a train

around a track saying "Woo-woo."

[chuckles]

Sometimes when he'd get the whiskey spins

he'd go, "Woo-woo."

That wasn't quite the same.

Well, that doesn't sound like much of a Christmas.

Yeah, but at least I didn't have to deal with

any of that family crap.

Look, I'm gonna get out of here while I can.

I'm just gonna take my, uh..

And, uh..

[mumbles]

[door opens]

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You guys gonna stay out here all night?

It's Christmas Eve.

Yeah, it's time for dad

to read "The Night Before Christmas."

You're gonna need this.

And you're really gonna need these.

[chuckles]

- You sure? - Yeah.

We want to do the poem and the train.

- And the landing lights. - Everything.

It's just not Christmas without that stuff.

And you were ready to give up.

[instrumental music]

"...But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.'"

Yay!

[all applauding]

Whoa. Who did that?

Looks like there's still some magic

to Christmas after all.

[knocking on door]

Scott?!

Sorry. I would have called, but I've lost my cell phone.

Really?

Wow. So did I.

If we find them, let's delete our messages

and never talk about it again.

[cellphone ringing]

Hello? Really?

Well, I think Trent might like to hear that from you.

- It's your chemistry teacher. - Hello?

Listen, I can't stay, but I just wanted to give you

your gift so you'd have it on Christmas morning.

Oh, thank you. And here's yours.

- Oh.. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

On the cheek, Romeo.

See you tomorrow.

She mis-graded my test.

- I got a B. - Oh, that's great.

Now you can hurt yourself on that snowboarding trip.

Yes!

[knocking on door]

Oh.

Hey!

I found this package on my front step.

Must've been a delivery mix up.

It's my telescope!

Thanks!

Thanks for bringing it over, Mr. Faulkner.

Sure. Oh, and, uh..

...Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Faulkner.

All in all, not a bad night.

I gotta say, you really pulled it off.

Oh, it wasn't me. It's the spirit of Christmas..

Aw..

Oh.

["Oh, Holy Night" playing]

[gasps]

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