All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e09 A Reptile Dysfunction.eng

[instrumental music]

- Good morning, father. - Oh, good morning.

How much do you love me?

Ah, too much to cheapen
that love by buying you things.

But, dad, look at this cute purse.
It's only $300.

$300? Does it come with a wallet?

With $290 in it?

You know, Lauren, they
have some very pretty purses

at the outlet stores and they're only $20.

And then where would I
be going to school tomorrow?

Hey, there is another
way you could get that purse.

It would never work, dad.

A purse this nice would have a security tag.

And you think stealing those
mini-shampoos from the hotel

doesn't rub off on the kids?

Want to tell her about your personalized robe

upstairs, Mr. Marriott?

I packed that by accident.

Anyway, I was thinking about you getting a job.

A job? But I thought we
agreed that school was my job.

We didn't agree on that. That's
just something you keep saying.

Look, your mother and I had jobs

when we were your age, and it's time you learned

that if you want something
in this world, you have to earn it.

Mom.

I'm okay with it

as long as it doesn't impact your grades.

Oh, she's right. We can't risk that.

[chuckles]

I think that you will
find it much more satisfying

when you buy something with money you earn

versus money you get from the old ATM machine.

No, your father's right, Lauren.

This isn't just about earning money.

It's about learning how to become

a strong, independent woman.

But I wouldn't even know
where to start looking for a job.

Well, the mall's always hiring.
I'm going over there later.

You're coming with me. No excuses.

Fine, I look forward to a job

because at least there
they won't tell me what to do.

"Packed that robe by accident."

- I did. - Oh, please.

You told me to hold the elevator

while you ran down the hall with it.

[theme music]

- Good morning, everybody. - Hey, Paul.

Hey, Bill, I borrowed this yesterday.

- Okay. Mm-hmm. - Ooh, is that a fresh pot?

Do you mind if I borrow this?

Thank you. Nice.

Hey, uh, boys, I have to
go to Vegas for a convention.

If I bring my Iguana Terrarium by

will you guys feed Francis and Marie for me?

- It's 40 bucks in it for you. - Okay.

But, um, after the check incident

we're going to have to insist on cash.

I told you that was a bank error.

Never trust a guy with Tinkerbell on his checks.

That's a dragonfly.

Oh.

Aw.

Come on, Lauren, you don't want to be late

for your first day at work.

- Hey, Paul. - Hi.

- Wait, Lauren has a job? - She does.

Lauren is a customer liaison

for a multinational food corporation.

There's my little working girl.

Wow, Hot Dog Planet.

[chuckles] Their food is terrible.

I think you look great, Lauren.

This is all your fault.

Hey, you want a purse, you need a job

and this was the only place hiring.

Plus, family members get 15% discount.

Well, they should pay you to eat it

because their food is terrible.

[laughing]

Congratulations on your job, Lauren.

This will be so cool.

We'll put litmus paper on the rocket

send it into the clouds

and test what the pH level is.

I say we send up a mouse with a parachute

and see if on the way down

we can hit it with a paintball gun.

Before we do anything, it's 3 o'clock.

Uncle Paul said that's when
we have to feed Francis and Marie.

Hey, the little guy on top of this

will fit perfectly into our rocket as the pilot.

Yeah, if it wasn't attached to the trophy.

Whoa, Bryan, what are you doing?

You're gonna bump into.. Ah.

See what you did?

Dad's gonna be mad at you.

He was proud of that.

"Participant?"

Come on, let's go.

Let me just finish feeding the iguanas.

I only see one.

I'm sure the other one's in here somewhere.

Oh, God. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

- Where's the other one?
- Well, you left the lid open.

She must have gotten out.

Well, look around. We have to find her.

Look under the couch.

Oh, what about the fridge?

How would an iguana get in the fridge?

You're missing my point.

If the iguana's in the
fridge, how would it get out?

Okay, if you were an iguana, where would you go?

I don't know.

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

Well, there's my little bottle of sunshine.

You have ruined my life!

I can't hear you till I get a hug.

Lauren, sweetheart, what's wrong?

I have a horrible job and my boss hates me.

Oh, I'm sure he doesn't hate you.

He's mean.

He calls me "Blondie" and
he made me clean the bathroom.

That people use after eating at Hot Dog Planet.

Sweetheart, you just learned
how hard it is to earn a living

which is going to make you
appreciate that purse even more

when you buy it.

He called me stupid.

- What? - What happened?

I was emptying the fryer

and a couple of french fries fell out

and he c-called me stupid.

[cries] And I don't think
that you should call someone stupid

if they're trying.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry. - Yeah, me too.

But sometimes dealing with difficult people

is part of having a job.

Oh, yay! A life lesson. That makes it better.

I can't believe that boss of hers.

Who treats people that way?

I'm sure it's not as bad as she makes it sound.

You know how Lauren exaggerates.

Remember when she said her fourth grade teacher

failed her in geography because he hated girls?

Well, in her defense, I think
there was some truth to that.

She got a 13 on that test.

That's out of 50 states..

...with partial credit for "New Jorja."

Alright, I just want to make sure

that nobody is taking
advantage of my little girl.

Alright, well, it's her first job.

She's going to have bad days

and all we can do is be here and support her.

I guess.

Bill, this is not one
of those things you can fix.

You're right. I have to
let her handle this on her own.

I want to speak to the manager.

All food complaints require a form.

Be sure to describe your illness in full

locations of cramps, etc.

No, no, no, no. I'm not here to complain.

Oh.

Welcome to Hot Dog Planet

where our food is out of this world!

- I'm Lauren's dad. - Oh, Blondie.

Look, uh, she said

you treated her pretty badly at work yesterday.

Does this look like a daycare center to you?

Do you see a jungle gym? Mats for nap time? No.

You know why? It's a business.

And you know what this business needs?

A local news undercover investigation?

We need employees that can give us an edge

in this "Hot dog, eat hot dog" world.

And frankly, no pun intended

Lauren isn't cutting the mustard.

[laughs]

Sorry, we work hard here,
but we have a good time.

Well, apparently she didn't have a good time.

She said you called her stupid.

No, I didn't call her stupid.

- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
- I called her a moron.

Hey, nobody calls my daughter a moron.

Look, if Lauren has a problem

with how I run things she's welcome to quit.

Well, maybe if you can't treat
her better, she should quit.

- Maybe she should. - Fine, then I quit.

Uh, Lauren quits.

Oh, and one more thing.

Just because you work in a weenie factory

doesn't mean you have to act like a-

Heard it before.

[instrumental music]

Come on, come on, hurry up.

Okay, here it is.

- "Help find lost iguana." - Great.

And we'll put it up all over the neighborhood.

You might want to put your phone number

so they know who to call.

Good idea. Thanks, mom.

You lost one of your Uncle Paul's iguanas.

[scoffs] I cannot believe you two.

He gave you a big responsibility and you blew it.

Don't worry. We're gonna find her.

Yeah, see, we have a plan.

- We're gonna put up posters. - Oh.

I just wish we had a picture
of the iguana to put on them.

You know what? I might
actually be able to help you.

Why do you have a picture of Uncle Paul's iguana?

Remember that Christmas
card he sent a few years back?

"I-guana wish you a Merry Christmas."

It's no wonder that guy's alone.

This is great, mom.

Alright, you two, now get to work

because if you don't find that iguana

you're gonna have to tell your Uncle Paul.

And if there's one thing we learned

from watching ice dancing at the Winter Olympics

he's a crier.

Okay.

Now, all we have to do

is make a bunch of colored copies

and put them on the posters.

Right. Now, how much is all this gonna cost?

I don't know. Don't you work at a copy store?

Oh, wait. That's ten years from now.

All I'm saying is, now that we have a picture

why don't we just buy a new iguana

that looks the same?

Because it's wrong.

And when I do something
wrong, I break out in hives.

Uncle Paul won't know the difference

and we'll save ourselves a lot of trouble.

Okay.

I guess you're right.

Here they come.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Bill. We have a problem with the boys.

Well, I'm sure they have a problem with us

so call it even.

They lost one of Paul's iguanas.

What do you mean, one of them? He only has one.

No, no, no. He has two. Francis and Marie.

Oh, no, honey. He only has one.

Ann is her middle name. Francis Ann Marie.

Well, why does his Christmas
card show him with two iguanas?

Okay, that's because that's
Francis Ann Marie's brother

Thomas Leopold Gardner.

He died a few months ago.

Hm, well, Trent and Bryan
are out putting up posters

for an animal that's not even lost.

If I had to guess, Trent's running point on this.

Oh, hey, Lauren. I got good news.

Not now, dad. I've got to get to work early.

No, that's the good news.
You don't have to go to work today.

- I quit for you. - You quit for me?

- You quit for me? - How could you do that, Bill?

Because her boss called her a moron.

Nobody calls my daughter a moron.

I'm 17, dad. I can take care of myself.

B-but you were crying.

I'm not allowed to cry?

She is allowed to cry, Bill.

I told you I had a bad day.

I didn't ask you to quit for me.

- Wait, where are you going? - Not to my job.
Thanks to you.

Wow, what's her deal?

What's her deal? What is
your deal? I thought we agreed.

You weren't going to fight
Lauren's battles for her.

- Well, things changed. - What changed?

- You left the room. - Oh God!

Besides, I was just protecting my kid.

Lauren doesn't need protecting.

She needs to prepare herself for the real world.

You never would have done
something like that for Trent.

- It's a total double standard. - No, it's not.

He's a boy. She's a girl.
It's completely different.

That's a double standard.

Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

All I'm saying is girls need to be strong, too.

Admit it. When it comes
to Lauren, you have a blind spot.

Not true.

Oh, what about when she said

she got that mark on her
neck from the vacuum cleaner?

Hey, that hose comes loose, anything can happen.

Really?

La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

[instrumental music]

Okay, this one looks exactly
like Uncle Paul's iguana.

Except it doesn't have a black dot by its eye.

Oh, I could fix that.

Hey, guys. I want to talk
to you about Uncle Paul's iguana.

Oh, no worries, mom. We found her.

- You found her? Really? - We did.

Yeah, and it's definitely the right one.

You can tell by the black dot right there.

Huh.

Well, that's a relief
because, uh, that's Francis.

(Susan) 'Yeah. It's the
one that's got all the talent.'

Right. Wait, wait, what talent?

For dancing, of course.

You hear that, Trent?

She can dance.

Your Uncle Paul spent hours
and hours teaching Francis

how to shake her tail to "Super Freak."

Well, I'm just glad you found her

because your Uncle Paul would
have been very disappointed.

What do we do now?

We are so screwed.

[instrumental music]

Hey there, Josh.

- What do you want? - I just want to talk.

In the middle of our lunch hour rush?

Alright, talk fast.

I just want to apologize for my behavior earlier.

I was way out of line.

Oh, customer.

Nope.

You were saying?

I had no business quitting for Lauren

and I was wondering if you
could give her her job back.

After you left me short-handed?

- Why would I do that? - I'll tell you why.

Because I got a girl that's mad at me.

And you look like a man who's
no stranger to woman trouble.

Well, my mom is always hassling me.

Josh.

Don't be modest.

Man, in your position, the
kind of money you're pulling in?

I'm sure there's no shortage
of ladies sniffing around here.

I do okay.

I've got some rims on my Ford Focus

that say "I've arrived."

Wow.

Power and style?

God, I envy you.

[braying laugh]

Anyway, man-to-man, player-to-player.

Maybe you could help me out here

and give Lauren her job back.

- I don't know. - Come on, man.

There's got to be something
we can do to work this out.

There might be one thing.

Welcome to Hot Dog Planet

where our food is out of this world.

Come on. We have to teach new Francis to dance.

Well, clearly tying strings around her feet

and moving her like a puppet only makes her mad.

So what are we going to do now?

I don't know.

How do you think Uncle Paul

got the old one to dance?

A lot of love, I guess.

We don't have time for love.
Hit her with a magazine.

I'm not getting her mad at me.

She almost took your arm off.

Yeah, what's with the mood swings?

You think if she saw me
dance, it would inspire her?

We already made her angry.
Why not make her laugh?

We have to try something.

Uncle Paul's coming home tonight.

Hit the music.

["Super Freak" by Rick James]

? She's a very kinky girl ??

What are you doing?

I'm going to hit you with the magazine.

[instrumental music]

Thank you for experiencing the universe of taste.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If we give every customer an extra napkin

do you know how many napkins

we'll have wasted by the end of the day?

Five.

I'm going on my break.

The hat stays on.

Free publicity.

[sighs]

- Lauren? - Dad?

I mean, stranger?

- You can sit here. - No, I can't.

What are you doing here?
Why are you dressed like that?

Don't look at me.

I came down here to get your job back

but in order for that to
happen, I had to fill in for you.

First you quit for me,
and then you unquit for me?

Dad, you've got to stop trying to fix things.

I know, but it's just hard to sit around

and watch your kids take their lumps

when all your instincts tell you to protect them.

[indistinct chatter]

I know you're just trying to look out for me

but at some point, you've got to let go.

- I'm working on that. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's just going to take
me some time to get there.

What are you doing down here at the mall, anyway?

Well, I still want that purse

and someone told me I had to earn it

so I came back to get a different job.

You did?

Yeah, I applied at Banana Republic

and I think the manager really liked me.

Good. Do you want me to
go put in a good word for you?

Is there an off button on that?

You're right. I'm sorry.
It's still a work in progress.

And look, if I don't get the Banana Republic job

I'll just get something else.

See? I'm going to be okay.

- Let's go home. - Okay.

Give me a head start. You get it, right?

Sure. Sure.

Hey, everybody.

This is my little girl, and I love her.

Dad!

I said I'd stop protecting you.

I didn't say anything about embarrassing you.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- There's my babies. - Yep. There they are.

- Both of them. - Yeah.

Mhm-hm.

Thank you guys so much for watching them.

- No problem. - I'm sorry. Do you guys mind?

I-I can't wait until I get home.

I have to see Francis dance right now.

- Oh, I'd love to see that, too.
- That'd be great.

We can't. There's no music.

Oh, well, I have my iPod.

- Let's do this. - Great. Yeah.

This is going to be great.

Come here, you. Oh, you're a very freaky girl.

["Super Freak" by Rick James]

She's not dancing.

Oh, what's wrong, Francis? Can't you feel it?

Come on, babies. Nothing? Well..

What's wrong, baby? Are you sick?

Hey, what'd you guys do to her?

Nothing.

You must have done something

because I left you a dancing iguana

and all I got left is a lazy lizard.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Paul. That's out of line.

Now, these boys took this
responsibility very seriously

and they did a good job. Right, boys?

Right, dad. Right, Bryan?

No!

We lost the original iguana

and replaced her with the new one.

The black dot's painted on.

- What? - What?

What?

Nice try, Trent, but we all know about it.

Yeah, there was only one iguana to begin with.

Her name is Francis Ann Marie.

Hmm, you never lost one.
You just thought you did.

Wait, you guys were messing with us?

That's right, because you lied.

But you guys lied, too. How is that any better?

Well, because my lie was clever.

Okay, so if I think of something
clever, I can lie too?

- Sure. - Yeah.

[ending theme]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0