All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e08 Dream Lover.eng

[theme music]

[soft grunts]

Morning.

Is it just me or does your
face feel a little puffy today?

- What's the matter? - Who's Penelope?

What? Penelope? I don't
know anybody by that name. Why?

I had a dream last night
that you're having an affair

with a woman named Penelope.

Oh, yeah, that Penelope.

Yeah we've been fooling around in

other people's sleep for years.

You should see us during
naps, we're like bunnies.

Stop it, Bill, this is really bothering me.

You're kidding me right? This
thing that happened in a dream?

No, no, no, it wasn't a dream.
It was a premonition.

Oh, you know what this reminds me of?

A certain horse-race where I was persuaded

to bet a $100 on a horse named Lazy Susan.

That was a hunch, it wasn't a premonition.

There's a difference.

Between first and last place

I'll say.

You don't understand!

I have only woken up twice in my life

with this feeling and both
times my premonition was true.

"And what were they?", he
asked knowing he'll regret it.

Remember Diane Hamilton?

Yeah your friend with the buck-teeth.

She's a brilliant composer.

And in need of an equally brilliant dentist.

The night before her wedding I had a premonition

that her fianc� would leave her at the altar.

Honey, that's not a premonition,
that's just common sense.

Nobody wants a wife who
can build a dam with no tools.

When I was 12

I dreamt my uncle Max was gonna die

and the next day, boom! He's gone!

Let me guess. He was 92 and on life support.

Mm-mm, 45, heart attack in a department store.

He was testing a mattress.

We all just thought he really liked it.

[laughs]

Okay, alright, alright.

So you've had a couple
fluke premonitions come true.

Aren't you forgetting one very important fact?

That if you have an affair I'll kill you?

Okay, that.

And the fact that I love you so much

I would never even consider cheating on you.

- Okay? Okay. - I guess.

[door opens]

Whoa! Uh, did I come in
at the beginning of disgusting

or the end of disgusting?

- What do you want Trent? - It's Saturday.

Come on dad, it's time for my driving lesson.

And this is goodbye, my
love, I've had a wonderful life.

[theme music]

Lauren can you take your
brother to the post office today?

Sure.

And you can't just leave him there.

Oh. I'll pass.

- Lauren? - Alright, fine.

What do you need to go to the post office for?

The new Albert Einstein stamp comes out today.

I so wanna be the first
kid in my class to own it.

You can go next month
and that's still a safe bet.

It's Einstein, not Carl Segan!

Like they'll ever give that hack a stamp.

Hey Trent, how was your driving lesson?

Ask dad.

Sweet mother of God!

What happened?

Jeff Gordon here about got us creamed by a bus.

That's 'cause you were giving me

ten different directions at once.

Speed up, slow down, go, stop, left, right!

Yes and at no point did I
say "close your eyes and floor it!"

Well, by then I couldn't hear anything

because of all the horns honking
and that little kid screaming.

He dropped his ice-cream. Totally separate deal.

I think we were airborne at one point.

I swear, I could hear
the "Dukes of Hazzard" music.

Listen, I was thinking about my premonition.

Oo joy! We're back on this.

No, no, not the Penelope thing.

I was thinking, my uncle Max

was about your age when he had his heart attack.

Don't you worry, she will not come between us.

My mom said it might have been prevented

if he'd had a routine physical.

-When was last time you had
one? - I don't need a physical!

Can we talk about this later?
I'm having lunch with Paul.

I-I just think it's important
that you get a physical.

It's not something you should pass off.

Susan, I'm fine!

Yeah but how do you know
if you don't go to a doctor?

I don't need a butcher
to tell me there's something

wrong with my meat.

That came out way wrong.

[instrumental music]

Ready to get your Einstein stamp?

Does E equals mc squared?

What's wrong with you Trent?

I cannot take driving lessons from dad anymore.

He's so nervous and jumpy.

He's like a chihuahua hopped up on red-bull.

Why don't you just ask mom to teach you?

No. Mom is way worse.

She's a screamer and a repeater.

- A repeater? - You know.

"Hit the break, hit the break, hit the break!"

We should get going.

Let's move it. That stamp
line's gonna be a mob scene.

Hey wait, you have your license.

Why don't I just take lessons from you?

Me? Forget it, not happening.

- Twenty bucks. - Happening.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Paul.

What's going on?

I'm in love, Bill.

Oh, God. Who is it this week?

Bank-teller? Meter-maid?

Maybe this hot little packet of sugar?

Do not ridicule my feelings, Bill.

It's that waitress. Isn't she amazing?

Yes, she is.

But on the other hand

this won't order a $60 lobster

and never return your phone call.

I just need a killer opening line.

Something that'll really impress her.

When is the last time you had a physical?

Look, I know you've been
out of the game for a while, Bill

but that is the worst opening line ever.

No, no.

Susan's bugging me to get one.

- What, you don't want to? - Oh, God, no!

I don't want them doing all those tests on me.

Especially not the prostate exam.

I have to be honest with you, Bill

I don't hate it.

Wow! This may not make sense

but I'd rather go through
life thinking I'm healthy

than go to a doctor, maybe find out otherwise.

Yeah. That's just stupid.

Maybe it is, but the whole idea

of dying really creeps me out.

There's only one thing about
death that really scares me.

What's that?

That I'll die in the same day

as a famous person.

Yeah, like my grandpa, he died

the same day as Sammy Davis Jr.

- Really? - Yeah.

And at his funeral, instead of

giving an eulogy

my grandma sang, "Candyman."

[laughs]

Well, I promise you at your funeral

I'll make it all about you.

Yeah, you say that now, but
what if Wayne Newton bites the dust.

- Wayne Newton? - Yeah.

Isn't he like your Sammy?

Okay, here she comes.

- Be my wingman. - Alright.

- Make me look good. - Okay, alright.

Hi, I'm Penelope. You guys ready?

- Your name is Penelope? - All my life.

Wow, you are not gonna believe this.
It's so weird.

My wife had a dream last night,
that I was gonna have an affair

with a woman named Penelope and now I meet you.

[chuckles] Alright, I've gotta hand it to you.

That is the most original
opening line I've ever heard.

I have a motor boat?

Uh, this is my friend, Paul.

He has a motorboat.

I do.

And he's not afraid of prostate exams.

I'm not.

Okay, I'm gonna get you guys some water.

You are the worst wingman ever.

[instrumental music]

Okay, keep your right hand on the wheel,

and hang your left elbow out the window.

Why?

Anyone can teach you how to drive.

I'm going to teach you how to drive cool.

- Nice. - Right?

No that's wrong. Both hands
should always be on the wheel.

Haven't you studied the drivers Ed book?

There's a book?

Let me out.

Easy Stample, he's kidding.

- You are kidding, right? - Okay.

Oh, no. Look at this.

"The teen under age 16 with a learners permit

"may not drive with anyone
except their driving instructor

parent or legal guardian." So?

- We're breaking the law. - Relax, it's okay.

But I'm too young to go to jail.

Take it easy.

- Stop the car. - Bryan.

- I wanna get out. - No.

(Bryan) Amber alert!

[instrumental music]

- Hey, sweety. - Oh, hey, listen.

I was thinking about your physical.

Ugh, you're like a dog with a bone.

I made it easy for you. I made an appointment.

All you have to do is call to confirm.

Susan, I got a physical when I was 30.

The doctor said I was in perfect health,

and he didn't need to see me again until-

- When? - He was very vague.

Well just get a physical
before you're dead, okay?

Fine, as long as we get to do that thing

I wanna do before you're dead.

- We did that. - We did?

You were asleep.

Tough break.

- How was your lunch with
Paul? - Oh, very interesting.

A funny thing happened.

[phone ringing] Oh, hang on.

[clears throat] Hello?

Yes? Who's calling?

Hold on a sec.

There's a "Penelope" on the phone for you.

Penelope? The waitress? Why is she calling me?

How else is she gonna start an affair?

She's not. I mean, I-I wouldn't.

Hey, I met a Penelope today.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I did?

I left my credit card at the restaurant.

Okay, I'll come back and get it.

Thanks, bye.

See, perfectly innocent.

Were you going to tell me you met a Penelope?

Yes, the phone rang. I didn't get a chance.

- Uh-huh. - What?

I just find it fascinating

that you got so flustered at the restaurant.

- I wasn't flustered. - Oh, you must've been.

You left your credit card.

People leave credit cards for all kinds reasons.

Maybe you did it subconsciously
so you could see her again.

Or maybe I was flustered.

Did you flirt with her.

No, of course not. All we talked about was food.

She asked me what I wanted, I said

a cheese burger with a fruit salad.

- Mmm. Interesting. - I know.

Usually I get fries, but I'm watching my figure.

No, you're not looking at me.
So you must be hiding something.

Alright, I ordered the fries, too.

- Does she knows you're married?
- Yes, I even talked about you.

- You did? What did you say?
- I told her about your dream.

- You what? - It was completely innocent.

You told a woman named Penelope

about a dream where you have an affair

with a woman named Penelope.

A-and this is your idea of innocent?

[swoosh]

[thinking] How are you gonna get out of this?

Think. What's worked in the past?

Flattery. No, you're in too deep.

She'll see right through it.

Cause a diversion and run?

No, you did that last month and twisted an ankle.

No, it's time to be a
man, and stand up for yourself.

Susan, you are way out of line here.

I'm out of line? You're
the one who changed your story.

You said, all you talked about was food.

[thinking] God she's hot when she's angry.

I wonder if she's in the mood?

Bill, tell me the truth about Penelope.

I am telling you the truth.
I have nothing to hide.

You know what? I've got an idea.

-Come with me to the restaurant. - Why?

That way you can meet Penelope
and see how silly this thing is.

Uh, alright, fine, fine.

Just tell me one thing. Is she pretty?

[thinking] Okay, this is easy even for you.

Say no, say no, say no.

A little, I guess.

Huh.

[thinking] Idiot.

Stop the car.

I will not be part of your crime spree.

Will you be quiet. You're making me nervous.

Trent, stop sign.

[tires screeching]

Okay, usually you don't
want to stop in the crosswalk.

That's illegal too.

This is a bona fide rampage.

[police siren blaring]

Oh, great. Now see what you made me do.

Hey, you're up the wheel, not me.

Stop it, you two. Here comes the officer.
Just, stay cool.

Afternoon.

I saw everything and I'm willing to talk.

Can I see your license please?

Uh, I don't have one yet.

I'm only 15. But, uh, here's my permit.

[dog barking in the distance]

You know, it's illegal for you to be driving

without an adult in the car.

I said they'd never get away with it.

I'm sorry, officer. It's my fault.

I have my license, I should have known the law.

No, it's my fault, I should have stopped in time.

I just got distracted with
this guy screaming in the back.

Don't listen to him. This is outrageous.

I'm the victim here.

Is he always like this?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[officer sighs]

Okay, I'm gonna let you go with a warning.

I think you've been punished enough.

- Thanks. - But you have to drive.

Oh, and you, nobody likes a snitch.

[indistinct chatter on cop radio]

(Lauren) I can't believe he let us off.

(Trent) 'I know, we're so lucky.'

Okay, the three of us have to make a pact

to never tell mom and dad about this.

No way I'm making that pact.

- Do you want your stamp or not? - I'm in.

[thuds]

And the pact is broken.

[instrumental music]

So, what is she? Blonde, brunette, redhead?

Well, kinda cocoa brown, little bob cut.

I think. I-I didn't really look right at her.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

We came to see the waitress

Bill was flirting with at lunch.

Why don't you spice up
your marriage on your own time?

That's not what we're doing.

And I wasn't flirting.

And what are you doing back here anyway?

I never left. I've been
ordering appetizers for hours.

Waiting for Penelope's shift to end.

- Why are you sweating? - Oh, well.

Penelope recommended the jalapeno poppers.

I've eaten so many that
they're backed up to here.

- You wanna see? - No, no.

Oh, here she is. Here she is.

Hey there, more jalapeno poppers?

[swallows] Yes, please.

Hey, let me get your credit card.

Alright.

Wow, Bill, she's, she's really beautiful.

It's okay. You can admit she's attractive.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Penelope, this is my wife Susan

who I've been happily married to for 18 years.

Nineteen.

She's so young, sometimes

I forget.

[chuckles] That's nice.

I-I'm the one who had the dream.

There really was a dream.

Oh, I just thought that was a pickup line.

Okay, that's not really helping me.

Here you go. Thanks again for the tip.

- You bet. - Oh, left a big tip, did ya?

Uh, no.

Oh, because..

He doesn't tip on the tax.

'Cause you can't eat the tax.

Don't worry about it. Every penny helps.

My fianc� and I are saving up for a house.

Do you hear that? She has a fianc�.

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

- Worry about? - Yeah.

Remember in the dream, she thought you and I-

Oh, right, we're havin' an affair.

[Penelope chuckles]

Yeah, that's pretty crazy.

Well, no, no, not that crazy though.

Yeah, that crazy.

[Susan chuckles]

You never had a prayer.

She might be saying that just for your benefit.

[chuckles] Okay.

Okay, it's now never.

I'm gonna open up my heart.

I'm gonna tell her exactly how I feel.

I'm gonna go out on that limb

and I'm not coming back alone, Bill.

Easy. She's got a fianc�.

Well, then I hope the
three of us will be very happy.

[Bill laughs]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'I can't believe it.'

Backing into a cop car.

Driving without adult supervision.

We are very disappointed in you kids.

Well, on the plus side, one of us

didn't get in trouble today.

And two of us didn't wet ourselves.

We're sorry, dad but there
wasn't damage to either car

and the policeman let us go.

So it's not that bad, right?

No, that's not the point, Lauren.

How could you and Trent not know the rule

about driving with an adult.
Even Bryan knows that.

Well, he cheated. He looked at the book.

Look, having a license is a major responsibility

and your mother and I expect
you guys to always drive safely

and know all the laws of the road.

- Did you know that law,
dad? - That is not important.

What is important is you
two are grounded for a week.

Still totally innocent, still without my stamps.

Alright, come on, sweetie, I'll take you.

Bye, Bonnie and Clyde.

See ya, puddles.

I don't get it. Why would you
go to Lauren for driving lessons?

Well, Lauren is just so relaxed

and she teaches me how to drive cool.

What does that mean?

You know cool as in super careful.

Dad, it's really hard to learn from you

when you're so tense and nervous.

And handsome.

That don't even make sense.

Think about how I feel, Trent.

I'm in a 2000-pound projectile
going 40 miles an hour

and I have no way to control it.

Well, how do you think I feel?

You're the one controlling it!

Well look, dad, I'm-I'm really sorry

but I don't wanna take lessons from you anymore.

Okay. Fine. Then there's
just one thing left to do.

You are doing very well, Trent.

- Thanks, mom. - Hm.

I don't know why Lauren
thought you were so tough to le-

Hit the break! Hit the break! Hit the break!

[instrumental music]

Hey, I meant to tell you
that I got a physical today.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

And they said I am in perfect health.

Oh, that is great, honey

Th.. What made you finally decide to go?

Okay, you're not gonna
believe this, but it was Paul.

Johnny Jalapeno?

[laughingly] Yes.

Alright. This ought to be good.

Oh, I just saw how hard it is for him

to find that special someone

and it made me realize how lucky I am

that I found a woman I wanna
spend the rest of my life with.

Oh, Bill.

And I have to do everything

in my power to ensure that
you and I grow old together.

Mmm.

Mm. Listen, I..

I am sorry I got so crazy

about that whole Penelope affair thing.

[chuckles] So you admit that
not all your premonitions come true?

Oh, it's gonna come true.

"Hello, my name is Penelope."

[laughs]

May I take your order?

Not till I see the specials.

[both laughing]

[theme music]

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