All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e07 Snoop, Dog.eng

[instrumental music]

Come on, Bryan. What's the big deal?

Mom told me to pick you up at your

student council meeting, and I did.

Yeah, an hour late.

She just said that I had to get you

not that I had to be on time.

Lauren, you completely abandoned me

and I'm the vice president, for God's sake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What is going on?

Lauren picked me up late from student council

just so she could talk to Scott Simmons.

Lauren?

Dad, he's the captain

of the lacrosse team and he may

have gotten a concussion at practice.

I had to flirt quickly before he

fell asleep or threw up.

Alright, you apologize to your brother.

I'm sorry.

Not you.

Oh, old habits.

- Lauren. - I'm sorry, Bryan.

- You don't seem very sorry. - Well, I'm trying.

I'm frowning and looking down at the floor.

Oh, come on. I can't be sad.

I have a date with Scott Simmons tonight.

Yeah, if he remembers.

You better hope you never need a kidney

because these babies are off the market.

[gunshot]

What was that?

Uh, it sounded too loud

to be fireworks in my bedroom closet, right?

I mean, of the many things it could be.

Where did you get fireworks?

Whoa, where did you get that idea?

Honey, honey, we have a problem.

Yeah, my camper backfired and it scared your dog.

He ran under the neighbor's house.

Oh, God, which neighbor?

If that dog stays under there for long

I'm gonna charge him rent.

Well, if I know Raffles,
he's already put down a deposit.

[theme music]

Hey, Susan, I figured out a way

to get Raffles from underneath the house.

By challenging him to a game of pool?

No, no, no, I'm gonna put some food

on the end of this and lure him out.

How many times have I told Trent

not to leave his things at the kitchen table?

Hey, what's this?

"Shopmaster Mike invites you to let it all loose

at the Liquid Lounge Friday at 8:00."

- What? - Wow!

Trent's been invited to a drinking party.

Oh, well, you don't know for
sure that it's a drinking party.

Shopmaster Mike's doing a keg stand

and the words are written on his stomach.

Bill, what are we gonna do, a party with alcohol?

Okay, alright, back up, back up.

We don't know for sure he's going.

Remember this stuff we used to get into

when we were his age?

He's going, Bill!

A flyer doesn't prove anything.

Maybe it doesn't, but
how are we gonna know for sure?

Well, back in the day, our
moms used to read our diaries.

That's how your mom found
out about you and Mike Redman.

Who's Mike Redman?

Poor imitation of you.

But with a chain of furniture stores.

Either way, it's not important.

Yeah, Trent doesn't even have a diary.

But he does spend a lot of time on Facebook.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt
to take a look around his page.

Susan Pearson

I cannot believe you're thinking
about spying on your own kid.

Well, I don't love the idea
either but what else can we do?

Well, why don't we rely on
the fact that we raised a good kid?

I know he's a good kid but he's also a teenager

and sometimes teenagers make bad decisions.

- Like what? - Remember Trent's magic phase?

He almost cut Lauren in
half because he didn't realize

there was a trick to it.

Okay, fine, that's one example.

Almost two, but..

Or-or the time he thought he could stop

the fan with his tongue. Huh? Huh?

Most kids would only make that mistake once.

Okay, okay, I get it but none

of this is a reason to spy on him.

Bill, we're talking about a drinking party.

You don't want to be wrong on this.

Well, here's a novel idea.
Why don't we just ask him?

Dad, I was thinking

what if we build a small fire

under Mr. Faulkner's house to smoke Raffles out?

Son, let's think of this
as a checkers game, alright?

If we do that, what happens next?

I'm a hero?

Okay, we'll-we'll talk about it later.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

I was gonna hang out

with my friend Jason, why?

Well, 'cause your mom and I

were wondering about this.

Oh, uh, yeah, they were
handing these out at school.

Were you planning to go?

No, I-I just stuffed it in my pocket.

There you go.

Now, let's get Raffles

from underneath that house.

Oh, good thinking, dad.

While I'm smoking him out,

you can grill your hot dog.

[instrumental music]

Raffles! Come on, boy!

He won't come out.

Somebody's got to go in there and save him.

Not me. It's so gross and creepy and disgusting.

It's like looking into grandpa's nose.

But if Scott Simmons was
trapped down there, you'd go?

His shoulders are way
too broad to fit under there.

Okay, don't worry. I got the answer.

But don't get excited. It's not for cooking.

Alright, come on and get it, Raffles.

- Here we go. - Careful with that stick!

[laughs] The house is pretty ticklish.

[Faulkner laughs]

I'm guessing you're not here to help, Faulkner.

No, just want to enjoy the show.

Come on, Raffles. Come on and get it, boy.

It's not working, dad.

You've got to go under there and get him.

Well, maybe you're right.

Oh, boy, this is about to get really good.

What are you talking about?

I wouldn't go into that pit of evil

and I'm twice the man you are.

Pit of evil?

You heard me, girly.

There's a chupacabra living under there.

What's a chupacabra?

It's a made-up beast like Bigfoot.

(Bryan) Dad, do something!

Okay, relax, Bryan. I'm going in.

Well, if you're going in
there, you better take my gun.

I think I'll be fine.

We'll, put that on your tombstone.

Should have taken the gun.

[grunts]

"Please, daddy, can we have a talk?

Can we have a talk?"

"No, thank you."

Oh.

Come on.

Where are you, Raffles? Come get the hot dog.

Five bucks says he comes
out with fingers missing.

[screams]

Make that ten.

Dad? Dad, are you okay?

I'm fine. I just ran into a spider web.

Spiders? Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

Not really helping, honey.

Oh.

I don't even want to
know what else is down there.

Chupacabra.

[spraying]

[grunts]

Oh, oh, I see Raffles.

Hey, boy. Hey.

Want a nice hot dog? There you go.

[clanks]

[screaming]

Uh, dad, what's going on down there?

[laughs] What a girl!

Ah, I can't get to Raffles.

But there's something that
ate the hot dog off the stick.

Is it as bad as we thought down there?

Oh. My. God!

It is so much worse!

Dad, you can't leave
Raffles all alone down there.

Oh, oh, honey, honey, honey. It's..

I just meant it was bad for people.

It's great for dogs.

It's like doggy Disneyland.

Raffles is fine. He'll-he'll
come out when he's hungry.

Well, if he's under there for more than a day

he becomes my dog.

You don't even like Raffles.

Yeah, but when he's my dog and he does

his business on your lawn, he might be a hoot.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

- Susan! - Oh! Thank God.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to check out Trent's Facebook page

but since you're here, go, go be my lookout.

Oh, yeah. I'll make sure
your husband doesn't catch you.

I just want to see if he's going to that party.

But he said he wasn't and I thought we agreed

we weren't gonna spy on him and that

we would trust him to make good decisions

Three times, Bill, three times

he put his tongue to that fan.

So that's the kind of
parents we're gonna be, huh?

What? Good parents?

Informed parents? Caring parents?

Oh, shoot. He's got a password.

Good, because this is
a huge invasion of his privacy

and I don't want anything to do with it.

- I'm in. - What? Already?

Yeah. It's Trent. His password is 1-2-3-4.

That kid's head is just a bucket of hair.

But whatever you find, I don't want to know

because this is all on you.

Oh, fine.

Oh, my God.

What? What? No. No. No.

I don't want to know.

But..

No. No. I'm leaving.

Oh, I can't stand it. What? What?

Okay. This is what his friend wrote.

"Are you going to the liquid lounge tonight?"

- See, that's that party. - Right.

And then here, Trent wrote..

"Cu there."

That's, see you there.

Ooh. That's worse.

[instrumental music]

Come on, Raffles!

Come on out, boy!

Maybe we can lure him out with a sexy girl dog.

Like that poodle down the street?

Tight sweater, pink bow on her head?

A sexy girl dog.

It's like dad said. Raffles
will come out when he's hungry.

- Let's go home. - Sure.

Just leave Raffles the
same way you left me at school.

Leaver.

Ugh! Will you get over that?

Do you know who hangs around
the parking lot at that hour?

Big scary sixth graders
who just got out of detention.

Yeah, I did time in sixth grade D.

Those were the days.

Okay, Bryan. I'm sorry I was late.

Oh, were you late? I didn't notice.

I was too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I cannot believe it. That
kid is in so much trouble.

What happened?

We checked Trent's Facebook page.

He lied to us. He is going to that party.

No. Who could have seen that coming?

I'm gonna ground him until he's 30.

We can't ground him, technically
he hasn't done anything yet.

Well, we should at least confront him.

And-and say what? We know
you're going to that party.

If he lied to us once, what's
to keep him from lying to us again?

Well, just tell him we
found out on his Facebook page.

Then, he'll think we don't trust him.

It'd be harder than ever
to spy on that little sneak.

So you hacked into your son's computer

to get information that we can never use?

No, we can use that information.

See, it's a lead.

- We can catch Trent in the act.
- Okay, you know what?

No more late night cop shows for you.

It's simple. We just,
we follow Trent to the party.

- Follow him? - Yeah.

Do you hear yourself?

What, are we gonna follow him every day

for the rest of his life?

Bill's right, Trent's got to learn

from his own mistakes.

I mean, I made plenty of them

and look how I turned out.

Alright, let's follow him.

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'Okay, not too close, not too close.'

(Susan) 'I got it.'

(Bill) 'Oh, oh, pull over, pull over.'

He's going in that house.

[door closes]

Nice work, Bird Dog One.

- Stop calling me that. - Okay, alright.

- Kill the lights. - Okay.

Bird Dog One.

Alright, pass me that bag of pistachios.

[crumpling]

- Oh, this is bad. - What?

- They're still in the shell. - Oh.

You know, something's not adding up here.

- What do you mean? - Oh, look around.

There are no cars on this street.

I don't hear any music. I
don't see any kids hanging around.

It is kind of quiet, isn't it?

Maybe there isn't a party.

Unless..

Maybe the reason we don't see anybody is

because it's one of those
underground rave parties.

Bill

underground doesn't mean

that it's actually under the ground.

Right, right. Like the Underground Railroad.

No, no, the Underground Railroad

sometimes did go under the ground.

But it was not a railroad.

- Right. Okay. - That's all I'm saying.

Maybe we made a mistake.

Maybe this really is his friend Jason's house.

I'm starting to get that feeling, too.

Maybe Trent was telling us the truth.

I feel so bad we ever doubted him.

We?

You're the one who wanted to follow him

because you didn't trust him.

- Okay, Bird Dog Two. - Mm-hmm. See?

- It's kind of fun, isn't it? - Yes.

Well, at least it ended here and we didn't do

anything to embarrass ourselves.

[knocking]

It's Trent.

Hide.

What?

Hide.

Where am I gonna hide?

[knocking]

It's not working, Bill.

- Give it a minute. - Bill!

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing here?

Um, Susan?

Uh, well, uh..

Wait, were you guys following me?

I-I just got in the car.

Wherever it goes, you know.

I thought we were going for ice cream.

Mmm.

[instrumental music]

I'm leaving for my date.

Oh, with Scott Simmons.

Hey, Bryan's still at your neighbor's

waiting for Raffles to
come out and it's getting dark.

- Can you send him in? - Can't you do it?

I'm supposed to meet Scott
at Burger Barn in ten minutes.

Yeah, I could, but my toenails are still wet.

- Fine. - Thank you.

[blows air] I love babysitting.

Bryan, Aunt A.J. says you have to come in now.

Raffles!

You got out from under the house.
Who's a good dog?

(Bryan) 'Lauren? Is that you?'

Bryan?

Does Faulkner have you?

(Bryan) 'No, I'm under the house.'

Why? Raffles is right here.

(Bryan) 'I came in again
and then my leg got stuck.'

' You gotta help me out.
It's really creepy in here.'

Well, maybe I should..

See, I have a..

I'm in my..

How creepy?

God, you better be watching.

[whimpers]

Ah.

Oh, rainbows and butterflies.

Rainbows and butterflies.

Ah, spiders and roaches! Spider and roaches!

It's in my hair! Ah. Ugh!

Alright, in about another foot,
there's this giant spider web.

[screams]

That would be the one.

Oh, you better be really stuck.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Ow, okay, be careful.

There you go.

- Mm! - Is it this way?

Yeah.

There. You alright?

Yeah. I am now.

Okay, let's get out of here.

It's okay. You don't have to hold my hand.

I'm not holding your hand.

[both screaming]

Get out of here! No! No!

[both screaming]

[spits]

Ah. Ah.

What are you doing?

Making sure I have all my fingers.

Thanks for saving me.

I couldn't just leave you in there.

But, now you're all dirty.

And you're gonna miss
your date with Scott Simmons.

- Sorry. - You know what? Forget him.

He's just some guy. You're my brother.

Did you just put a spider web in my hair?

It was on my hand.

[instrumental music]

Okay, here comes Trent. Here comes Trent.

Now, here's our story.

The only reason we were on that street

was because we were house hunting.

We were looking at a lovely five bedroom

three bath with a pool.

- Bill! - Quickly.

- Did you like the lanai? - Stop it.

Nobody has an open house at night.

Will you work with me, Susan?

I cannot do all the heavy lifting

by myself.

- Hey, buddy. - Okay, what's going on?

Why were you guys following me?

We-we just wanted to see

if you were going to that party.

But I told you I wasn't.

But you told all your friends you were.

How do you know that?

[sighs]

We-we checked out your Facebook page.

Wait, you were on my Facebook page?

You had no right to do that.
That page is my private space.

Alright, Trent. Wait, wait, wait.

How did you even figure out my password?

Honey, 1-2-3-4?

No, it wasn't. It was one thousand two hundred..

Oh.

Why did you tell all your friends

you were going to that party?

I only wrote that so the other kids

would get off my back.

- I lied to them, not you. - Really?

Yes. I mean, what am I supposed to say?

I'm not going to the party because I think

underage drinking is inappropriate?

P.S. keep flicking me in
the head on your way to class.

I remember flicking those kids.

It's easier just to tell them I'm going.

No one ever remembers
who was at those things anyway.

Wow, that's-that's pretty clever, actually.

I don't get it.

When have I ever given you
guys a reason not to trust me?

Look..

...I admit we overreacted.

We were just really worried about you.

And we will always, always

do whatever it takes to keep you safe.

Yeah. What your mom and I did tonight was wrong.

You're a great kid.

And we should have trusted you.

So are you saying you're sorry?

- Yeah. - Yeah that's what we're saying.

I wanna hear those words.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.

Come here.

Just promise me you won't
go on my Facebook page anymore.

- Okay. - Promise.

But just to be safe, why don't you go

come up with a better password?

- Okay. - Yeah.

Oh, and don't just make it 1-2-3-4-5.

Or Trent.

How do you guys do that?

It's like you're in my head.

It's gonna be Raffles.

Thank God he's got my looks.

[theme music]

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