Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

This cereal could kill me.

Well, it's whole grain, so it's good for your heart.

And you can tell, 'cause a cartoon camel's

wearing a jogging suit.

It contains HXT.

A preservative that can cause serious allergic reactions.

What is this all about?

I'm doing a school report on hidden dangers in the home.

- Hmm. - Is your breath one of them?

- Good morning. - Don't let the camel fool you.

You're gambling with your life.

School report. It's the best one yet.

Aah! Hey, is Trent up yet?

We're playing basketball this morning.

Haven't seen him.

Well, he better have his game on..

...'cause I feel good.

My bum shoulder's nice and loose

my back doesn't hurt

my knee is hardly even clicking.

You must be feeling good. I noticed

you left your girdle on the bed.

Hey, that's a back-brace.

You got it from cheapgirdles.com.

And right on the box, it says "back-brace."

Is there some kind of rule that breakfast in this house

has to be a freak show?

Ah! Not till now.

- Morning. Hi. - Ooh, hello.

- Did you sleep okay? - Stop with the face.

You know, I just feel terrible letting

my best friend sleep in her van.

It's a van-abago.

Part van, part Winnebago.

And which part is leaking oil and lowering property values?

Hey Bill, that's one of your better ones.

This microwave could leak radiation.

Are you guys planning on having any more kids?

I think you sealed the deal on that decision.

Hey you, I watched that YouTube clip you told me about.

Oh, my God! When that guy starts to dance!

- And he falls over the table! - I know.

I laughed so hard, I bet the van-abago was rocking.

I can't imagine what your neighbors thought.

I wish the Pearson's would move.

It's game time, dad.

Who's gonna win this morning?

I haven't decided. I haven't let him win in a long time

so I think his self-esteem could use a victory.

Come on grandpa, diaper up, let's go!

Change of plans. Grandpa's gonna kick his butt.

[theme music]

Oh! I feel bad.

You pay for that room and I'm not even using it.

Yeah, well. Go in the house and get a camera.

Why?

'Cause you're gonna wanna picture what a jump shot's

supposed to look like.

See, it only counts as a jump-shot

if your feet actually leave the ground.

Ha-ha!

Oh!

So, um.. You remember that girl I was telling you about?

The one in history who stares at me the whole time?

Yeah. She either likes you, or you got somethin' in your nose.

Uh-ha.

Uh! The only problem is, my buddy Doug really likes her

and now I do too.

Oh, that's easy. Never let a girl

come between you and your buddy.

She's crazy hot.

Doug will find somebody new.

[chuckles]

So look, maybe you can find a girlfriend

for Doug leaving your way clear.

Well, he kinda has a thing for Mrs. Huston

the science teacher.

Yeah, I don't help with that.

Well, you better pick it up, old-time's, I'm up 12-8.

Twelve-eight? Really?

Well, it was 11-8, and then I scored.

So unless my math is wrong..

Thank you Rain Man, I got it. You can forget about winning

today 'cause I'm about to go Kareem Abdul Jabbar on you.

Oh!

More like Paula Abdul Jabbar.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

Do not tell me that Amber sat right down

on the piece of pizza.

She totally did, and when she got up

she had pieces of pepperoni stuck all over her butt.

And you didn't say anything?

Welcome to high school!

[laughing]

Hey, sounds like you guys are having a good time in here.

- What, what's so funny? - It's nothing.

Oh, come on, I could use a good laugh.

No really, mom, it's not a big deal.

Oh. Well, I'm gonna go match some socks

and if anything funny happens I may just keep it to myself.

So get this, now everyone's calling her

'Ambe-roni Pepper-butt.'

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

Come on!

Wow! Add some music in a bucket and confetti

and you're the Harlem globetrotter.

Ah, yeah. Real funny, smart guy.

Don't you worry, I'm coming back.

Oh well, you better make it quick.

It's 19-13, game point.

- Less talk, more play. - Hmm.

Should I drive to left or right.

Well.. I shot it from here.

You didn't see that coming.

I win.

You won.

[chuckles]

You actually won.

Ah, don't sweat it. I was on fire today.

Yeah well, even blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.

- How? - What?

How would a blind squirrel find anything?

I mean, people have canes and Seeing Eye dogs

but a squirrel would have to be really lucky

to even end up near an acorn tree.

I gotta go lay down.

I mean, I guess the squirrel could

smell the acorn tree but still..

Now I gotta go lay down.

[acoustic music]

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, Bryan, honey, Santa doesn't come until December.

I'm concerned about this fireplace.

We really should have it cleaned.

And I'm concerned you're not out

riding your bike like other kids.

Creosote is the residue that builds up in a chimney.

I mean, the whole house could go up in a giant fireball.

Hmm. And if you put a baseball card in your spokes

it makes a sound like the motorcycle.

Hey, handsome.

The sweetener in that is eating your brain.

- He's a fun kid. - Mm-hm.

- You want some help? Oh. - Sure.

[Susan sighs]

[A.J. chuckles softly]

So, what were you and Lauren giggling about?

We were talking about

pieces of pepperoni on a girl's butt.

[chuckles] Oh!

Oh. It's just weird

to hear you guys having so much fun together.

Really? Why?

I just want to have those kinds of moments with her too.

I don't want us to have the same distant

relationship I had with my mom.

Yeah, not a barrel of fun, your mom.

Oh. Well, her idea of communication was

"time for dinner, time to do your

homework time to come home."

If I had a watch we'd never would've communicated.

Listen, listen, if you want Lauren to think of you

more as a friend, why don't you just go out

and have more fun with her?

I'm gonna help you out here.

I was supposed to me Lauren at the nail salon

for a mani-pedi tomorrow.

Why don't you go instead?

- Really? You don't mind? - No, no.

Actually, it'll give me a chance to hang with Bryan.

We don't get a lot of one-on-one time.

Well, he got a new chess set and

he's starting to play with somebody.

Mmm. I actually, I'm thinking movie, ice-cream.

Then I'm gonna tickle him till he pees.

'Cause seriously, that kid needs to loosen up.

Oh.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey.

I just had a blind date with the hottest chick ever.

Just now?

It's not even noon.

Yeah, I know. I made it for brunch.

I figured, without the pressure of Saturday night

I could relax and let her get to know the real Paul DuFrayne.

And you think that was your best plan?

No, apparently not.

I made up a story about how I ran with the boars in Pamplona.

So you have to take a picture of my head

so that I can Photoshop it onto the body of a Spaniard.

Alright, I'm gonna tie this around my neck for the picture.

And then I'm gonna run really fast

so that it flutters realistically, okay?

Now you keep up 'cause I'm really gonna be moving.

Let's do this!

[knocks on window] Hello?

Get in here.

- Bill, what's wrong with you? - I can't, man, I'm tired.

I just finished playing basketball with Trent.

Oh, really? Did you let him win today?

No! That's the thing.

I tried my hardest, and he still won anyway.

That's the first time that's ever happened.

Wow! That's a really big moment in a man's life.

It's all downhill from here.

I just had a bad day, alright?

No, Bill, it's much more than that.

You've officially entered male menopause.

Shut up!

I just read about it in one of my men's magazine.

Women obviously know when their hormonal changes occur.

But men often miss the signs.

You are very lucky I'm here.

Yeah, every minute you're here is like winning the lottery.

And one of the first signs of the change of life

is the loss of physical prowess.

Oh, dear God!

I have not lost any physical prowess.

I am every bit the man I was ten years ago.

Okay. Are you having any other symptoms?

Are you irritable? Are you lactating?

- Alright, stop it! - Irritable.

I'm surprised you're not soaking through that shirt right now.

Is that bandana cutting off circulation to your brain?

Li'l bit. Yeah.

Look, I'm way too young to start getting old.

I don't want my life to be defined by things I can't do.

You know like, I, I can't eat spicy food.

I can't stay awake during a movie anymore

and I can't read a menu without that stupid

little light they give you.

Why do they make the print on those things so small?

You must be wondering.

Look, Trent beat me one time, alright?

But that doesn't mean I'm ready to be out out to pasture.

I'm just gonna show him I still got what it takes.

Are you nuts?!

Your reflexes are shot too.

But at least you can't get pregnant anymore.

[acoustic music]

[instrumental music]

[bell jingles]

- Oh! Hey, honey. - Mom?

What are you doing here?

Well, Aunt A.J. couldn't make it

so I thought I'd fill in.

- Just a mani-pedi. - Mani-pedi.

Again, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought it might be fun.

You know, give us a chance to catch up a bit.

First time ever for manicure?

Oh. I don't get to come in as often as I'd like.

I have a husband, three kids.

I thought maybe you worked in construction.

So..

You want to go first, or do you want me to?

- For what? - Girl talk.

- No, we are not doing that. - Oh, sure, come on.

It'll be fun.

[giggling]

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. I'm-I'm just very ticklish.

Lucky us.

So, erm..

...any boys take fancy to you?

- What? - Oh, come on.

You're a pretty girl, somebody must like you.

My gosh! I do not wanna talk about this stuff with you.

Okay, okay. Well, then, we won't.

- So do you like anybody? - Oh my gosh! Will you stop?

Yeah, give it a rest. Even I'm uncomfortable.

Want hear about my first boyfriend? How we went parking?

- That's it. I'm out of here! - Lauren! Honey, wait! No!

- L-Lauren. - Leave me alone.

W-we-we could talk about whatever you want.

Stop following me.

Lauren, could you slow down?

Honey, please, don't go!

Yeah, please, don't go.

[acoustic music]

That's what I'm talking about. I'm following my hormones.

Your trash talk is getting weird.

This is as young as I've felt in years.

And I'm not lactating, that's man-sweat.

[Trent groans]

Yeah!

Are you gonna back me down every time?

Hey, don't worry about defending it, just admire it.

Ten-three, better pick it up.

So that girl in my history class I was telling you about..

Oh! Whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Double dribble!

- My ball. Yeah. - What?

Okay, so anyway, the girl asked me if I wanted to

come watch her play volleyball and..

Swish! Nothin' but that!

And I think that's kinda like a date.

So I should definitely run it by Doug, right?

Oh-ho! Loud mouth!

Forget this.

Hey! Where you going?

Come on back.

Look, alright, I won't back you down anymore.

Just jump shots.

[knocks on door] Hey, Lauren.

- I folded your laundry for you. - It doesn't look folded.

Yeah, I dropped 'em on the stairs on the way up.

- You okay? - What happened to you today?

You didn't show up at the salon

and I had to spend the day with my mom.

- And that's a bad thing? - The worse.

She kept sticking her nose in my business

and trying to get me to talk to her.

Ooh! She wanted you to talk to her.

- Where does she get off? - Right?

- Wait, what are you doing? - Ahh!

Come on. You were spending time with your mom.

There's worse things you could be doing.

Plucking chickens, digging ditches.

Spending time with my mom.

You don't get it. She was totally embarrassing.

Maybe you should cut her a break.

I'm sure she meant well.

So you're on her side now?

I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend.

But I'm your mom's friend first.

Oh, sorry.

- Didn't mean to interrupt- - No, no, no.

You stay, I will go.

Thanks for doing my laundry.

But you put underwear in there by accident. I don't wear them.

Uh, it wasn't an accident. It was more of a suggestion.

Listen, uh..

I know what I did at the salon was incredibly lame.

I guess I just wanted us to be more like friends.

You know, like you are with A.J.

But mom, people act differently with their

friends than they do with their family.

Well, it doesn't have to be that way.

- I don't know. - I mean, come on.

Come on, try me. Tell me something you'd tell a friend.

Well..

Actually something funny did happen at school tod-

Oh, good, good. Let's dish.

Okay, so it was right after third period-

Third period, great!

- Trying too hard. - Alright, sorry. Sorry.

Anyway, so I see my friends hanging out by the gym

so we start talking about this cute guy, you know, and they go

"How about a closer look?", and push me into

the boys locker room and hold the door close.

- Are there guys in there? - Naked guys, right.

So I'm trying to get out, so I'm not really looking

but I can't help but see a bunch of..

...like a parade of..

Like a police line-up!

Lauren, Lauren. You've got to be more careful.

Th-that's how a girl gets a reputation.

See? This is why we can't talk like friends.

You can't help acting like a mom.

No, wait. Wait, wait. I mean, um..

- Cool! Naked guys! - Mom!

Okay, okay. Maybe you're right.

Look, I don't know why you wanna hear about

stupid stuff like this anyway.

I just want you to feel

like you can talk to me about anything.

I do. When something's really important

you're the first person I come to.

I still feel like I just want us

to talk like girlfriends some day.

I mean, maybe, maybe when you're

finished being a teenager

and I'm not living in constant terror.

- Like, after college? - Yeah, yeah. That's a deal.

- Friends after college? Yeah. - Friends after college.

So you, ah, you saw a lot-

I'm not talking about it anymore!

Okay, good, good. 'Cause I don't wanna hear about it.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

- What you got there, buddy? - Peanut butter and jelly.

Ooh! Talk about your hidden dangers in the home.

You're making yourself a death-sandwich.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying, you combine diglyceride with sodium citrate

that's time bomb.

Tick, tick, tick. Boom!

You know what? I'm not that hungry anyway.

Ahh, jelly's so much sweeter when you steal it

from a ten year old.

Hey. I just saw Trent out there playing basketball by himself.

He seemed pretty upset. What's going on?

Well, he's, he's probably mad 'cause he lost.

That's weird. He's never been upset about losing before.

Well..

I might have gone a little overboard

'cause he beat me fair and square yesterday.

But I just wanted to show him that the old man still has it.

And by "old man" I mean, dad.

Not some guy drying up and becoming irrelevant.

Oh, well. I hope whatever you did with Trent

doesn't keep him from wanting to play with you.

I'd give anything to have that kinda thing with Lauren.

- What are you talking about? - You know, bonding time.

Oh, it's not bonding time, Susan. It's just basketball.

Do you really think it's just about basketball out there?

Okay I know what you're trying to do here.

But I'm the therapist. Remember, I'm the one who spent

two years getting his masters.

Three.

Well, excuse me for having to work through school.

[scoffs] It wasn't work!

You were driving around the country

in a micro-bus trying to see

every major league baseball stadium.

And as soon as our kids go off to college

you and I will finish that trip.

I think you're too close to the situation with Trent

to see what's going on.

Look, when Trent and I play basketball

it's just to work up a sweat.

He tells me about his friends or his teacher

or some girl he like in his history class that his buddy..

...Doug also likes.

Ugh! I'm an idiot!

I was so busy trying to prove something to myself

I didn't even listen to him today.

- I'mma go talk to him. - Mm, sounds like a good idea.

You know what doesn't sound like a good idea?

Stadium tour?

You're batting a thousand, Bill.

[exhales]

How's it goin'?

Mind if I shoot with you?

It's a free country.

Wow! You gotta get extra points for making that

with your eyes closed.

So did you ever tell Doug about history girl

invited you to the volleyball game?

No, but I was thinking about calling him later today.

Nah. Do it face to face.

[Trent grunts]

- You think? - Yeah. Hey.

Sorry about that thing before.

Appears, I maybe going through male menopause.

That don't mean I can't guard you, boy.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!

Look who's been practicing.

[Bill chuckles]

So I'm thinking, I need a nickname.

You know, something to reflect my speed.

- Something like "The Flash!" - Ah!

[Trent exhales]

I'm thinking "Old, slow guy."

[outro theme]

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