All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e04 Pineblock Derby.eng

[rock music]

Anybody else got anything smart you want to say?

I didn't think so.

Howdy, partner.

How long you been standing there?

Saw you tell the yellow one is gonna hang.

I'm just getting ready

for this Leopard Scout project with Bryan.

I know you're pretty excited
to make a Pineblock Derby car.

Well, yeah, it's finally something

I can actually help him with.

- Hey, dad. - Hey, partner.

Here's all the stuff for the Pineblock Derby car.

Do you think we can make one
fast enough to beat Jeremy Nuni?

You better believe it.

Good, because he's still teasing me

about winning the science fair last year.

Alright, I'm gonna let you guys get to work

and then I'll pop back in the pit later

with some lemonade and cookies.

Uh, women aren't really allowed in the pit.

Okay. You will just follow
the proper safety precautions.

Susan. We know what we're doin'.

- Alright, you ready, bub? - Oh, yeah.

Alright.

[whirring]

Here we go.

[glass shattering]

That'll give us a nice
breeze while we're workin'.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, you're here.

It's greetings like that, that make

those 38 hours of labor all worthwhile.

[sighs] Sorry, it's just
my new friend Erica's coming over

and I don't want you to embarrass me.

Didn't even have the epidural.

Erica's one of the most popular kids at school.

Don't screw this up for me.

You mean by physically being in the room?

Yes, you get it. Thank you.

[bell rings]

- Hi. - Hi.

- Erica, this is Susan. - Uh..

Otherwise known as mom.

[chuckles]

Either way, she can't stay.

Nice to meet you, Erica.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.

Sorry, that one needs a lot of attention.

So, did you get the text
about what Molly said to Eden

about Ashley in front of Zach?

No, I don't usually get those.

Oh, but I sent it to you.

[gasps] Hey, you did!

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe she said that.

- I know. - Check it out.

Two tickets to the sold
out Killers concert Saturday.

These are cat food coupons

with the words "Killers
tickets" written in marker.

Yo, I just won tickets on a radio contest.

But they're not here yet and I wanted to brag.

Why didn't you just tell me you won?

Oh, like you'd believe me without proof.

Hey, are you a girl in school?

I am.

Cool.

Sorry my brother is so gross.

Actually, I think he's kind of cute.

And as you can tell, razor sharp.

So what did Zach say when he heard that

about Ashley from Eden?

Wait until you hear this.

[beeps]

It's sending.

[phone rings]

[gasps] Oh, my gosh!

Right?

[rock music]

Not bad.

I don't know, dad. This doesn't
seem to be going too well.

Oh, don't worry. This is just a prototype.

I mean, we're learning as we go.

For instance, today we learned
that detail work is hard

with a big saw.

And that a clamp is better
than me holding the wood.

Look, you know what? Let's knock off for the day.

Tomorrow we'll get in here
and bang out a great one-piece car.

Do you really think you'll be able to?

Of course.

Now, what do you say we
give it that leopard cub growl?

Rawr!

Dad, nobody in my troop does that.

Your uniforms are short pants and yellow ascots.

You guys could use a growl.

- Hey, Bill. - Hey, man.

Hey, uh..

...put out your hand and close your eyes.

Okay, you know what? I'm
not gonna fall for that again.

If you want to spit out your gum

just put it in the trash.

No, Bill, I want you to feel this.

What is that?

It's a sample swatch

from my new synthetic lawn.

You putting in fake grass, why?

Bill, what do I hate more than anything?

Educated women with high self esteem.

That's more hurtful than funny, Bill.

No, the answer that I was looking for is bugs.

They have six legs.

Two for walking and four to creep me.

Wait, wait. So just let me
make sure I'm straight on this.

You're gonna get rid of
your lawn to get rid of the bugs?

Right.

So if you have house flies

do you get rid of your house?

House flies don't bother me.

I like to think of them as tiny birds.

Birds, I love.

If I'm not mistaken, before
you install your fake lawn

you have to get approval
from the homeowner's board.

Oh, great!

Now I have to go suck up
to those pathetic busy bodies

who have nothing better to do

but to make other people's lives miserable.

I'm on the board.

I'm just gonna say this right to your face.

You're a handsome man.

Can we talk about this later?

I have to go pick up some wood

for Bryan's Pineblock Derby car.

And this is what you've done so far?

Yeah. I really feel like I'm letting him down.

Well, that depends.

Did he ask for a crappy car just cut in half?

Because if he did. Bingo, Bill.

[laughs] Bingo!

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

Hey, mom, can you quiz me on my history?

Sure.

Well, you're studying the 1980s?

How's that history already?

Because it was almost 30 years ago.

30 years? Please, it's only been..

Oh, no!

[phone rings]

[beeps]

Hello? Oh, hi, Erica.

- Actually, it's for Trent. - What?

- Why is my friend calling you? - I don't know.

When we were hanging out at school today

I told her to call me, but really

your guess is as good as mine.

Hey, Erica.

- Yeah, me too. - This can't be happening.

I don't want her hanging out with Trent.

- Why not? - Mom.

There's a tier system in high school.

The nobodies, the freaks, that's Trent.

Then the preps and the jocks and so on and so on.

And finally Erica.

Wait a minute. Wait. The jocks aren't at the top?

Mom, please, we've established

that high school's ancient history for you.

Oh.

- Now I'm here. - Mm.

But I want to get here.

But I can't get there if she's
hanging out with Trent, not me.

Lauren, honey, I-I think you're overreacting.

Mom, you have to do something.

Do you want me to end up going to prom

with a big group of girls because it's more fun?

Sweetie, I'm sorry

but it's not like you're five years old

and Trent took your toy.

You're old enough to figure this out

on your own like an adult.

"Like an adult?" Whatever.

[instrumental music]

Mm-hmm. Pretty good.

Vroom!

What? how did the...

- Hi, Bill. - Hey, Paul.

Bill..

I have a present for you.

- What's that? - Ta-da.

Wow. That's incredible. Where'd you buy this?

Buy it? No, I made it.

I never knew you were that handy.

You know, I am entitled to a private life.

You don't need to know everything about me.

I know, I just never pictured
you as the woodworking type.

It's that kind of judgment that stops me

from opening up to you.

Well, dad, is that my car?

- Uh, well- - You finished it.

Yeah. Don't be modest, Bill.

He did finish it Bryan.

Way to go, buddy.

Dad-dad, this is awesome.

I'll beat Jeremy Nuni for sure with this.

- Well, listen, that's not-
- You're the best dad ever.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

- I'm gonna go paint it. Okay? - Alright.

Did you see the look on his face?

- Yeah, but.. - But what?

[clicks tongue] I don't know, man.

It just doesn't feel right.

You know what does feel right?

Faux grass between your toes.

So when you go to neighborhood
board meeting tomorrow

just remember the smile
on Bryan's happy little face.

Oh, come on, man, that's low.

You're right. Maybe I should take the car back.

Bill, do you have the
necessary tools in this garage

to rebuild the hopes and dreams of a little boy?

I didn't think so.

Bryan showed me his racing car. Looks fantastic.

Yeah, I thought it turned out really well.

You know what it reminds me of?

That coffee table in the
living room we used to have.

Here it comes.

You remember the one you tried to level

by cutting the leg shorter and shorter

until we eventually had to throw it away?

Well, it was hard to focus
when I had a crazy woman screaming.

"It's been in my family for over 100 years."

I'm just curious how such
a well crafted car came from a man

who turned my grandmother's antique coffee table

into a serving tray.

The unconditional support of his loving wife.

Mm-hmm.

[clicks tongue] Alright, Paul made it.

And why does Bryan think you did?

Look, he ran in and saw the
car and before I could say a word

he jumped to his own conclusion.

- So you lied to him? - No, I didn't lie.

I just didn't correct him

on his mistaken assumption of the actual truth.

What, are you running for office?

Okay, fine, I lied.

- But you have, too. - Oh, I have not.

Oh, no?

How about when you told Lauren that you were

on the cheerleading team in high school?

- I was. - Really?

Yes.

Because I believe

that doing somersaults in a bird costume

falls more into the mascot category.

I was the Lady Falcon.

And those were handsprings, mister

which are very hard to do with wings.

Okay, so I lied too.

But that doesn't make what you did right.

I know, but you should have seen his face.

I was the greatest dad ever.

- He hugged me. - Hmm.

Okay, I get it.

But just for the record

there were a hundred other girls

who would have killed to be the Lady Falcon.

[chuckles] Oh, honey, now
you're just lying to yourself.

[instrumental music]

[rock music]

Hey, you know Erica, right?

Hot blonde girl in our house the other day?

I know who she is.

Right. Well, do you think
she'll like my hair like this?

I don't care.

Well, never mind. I'll ask her myself.

- She's on her way over. - What?

Yeah, we're headed to Sonic for lunch

and tonight I'm taking
her to the Killer's concert.

Okay, mom told me to handle this

like an adult, you little worm.

So I'm gonna ask you nicely

to not hang out with Erica anymore.

- Alright. - Really?

I wasn't finished yet.

Alright. No.

[door bell rings]

Oh, can you get that? I got to go check my hair.

- Hey. - Hi.

I wanted to have lunch with you yesterday

but I couldn't find you.

Oh, I was hanging out with Trent.

Okay, I don't get it.

He's lame and 15.

And ew!

Why are you hanging out with him?

Hello? Killer's tickets.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

After tonight, I'm totally done with him.

Unless...does he get a lot of these tickets?

- Hey, are you ready? - Oh, yeah.

- I like your hair. - I know, right?

[chuckles]

- Hey, sweetie. - Hello, mother.

What's gotten into you?

Can't I just be a happy teenager?

Wow. It's like he just said,
"Hey mom, I'm hiding something."

I'm not hiding anything.

But I did just find out that Erica

is gonna dump Trent after
he takes her to the concert.

- Hmm. - What does that mean?

Nothin'.

She was my friend first, you know?

- Okay. - What?

You think I shouldn't be friends

with someone who would do that to my brother?

- Ah.. - Okay, stop doing that.

- What? - You're moming me.

- Check out my car, mom. - Wow!

I know. We're so gonna win today.

Oh, this is fantastic.

And you put in a little driver-

- That's dad. - Ah.

- Yeah. Notice a little goatee. - Yeah.

Well, that's sweet.

Come on, dad, I want to get there early

so we can do some practice runs.

Okay, buddy. You see that?

That's the look. That's the look!

Yeah. I don't know, Bill.

It just still doesn't seem right to me.

Well, see, Susan, it's that kind of negativity

that separates the mascots from the cheerleaders.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[students cheering]

- Dad. Dad? - Hey.

My car just destroyed Jeremy
Nuni's in a practice run.

- Awesome. - Hey, Nuni.

You're going down like
a carbon based precipitate.

- What was that? - Trash talk.

Okay.

Here you go. Bryan Pearson.

Hey, dad, if we win, can we
put the trophy above the fireplace?

Well, don't you mean, when we win?

I'm sorry, this car is too heavy.

- What? - The weight limit is five oz.

I'm afraid yours is more than double of that.

Well, ho-how can that be?

I don't know, but..

...maybe because you put
lead in it to make it go faster.

Dad, you cheated?

No, honey, I didn't cheat.

Then, what happened?

[sighs] I didn't build the car.
Uncle Paul built it.

So what are you saying?

You lied to me?

Look, we'll talk about this later.
We can fix this. Right?

I'm sorry. You're disqualified.

Thanks a lot, dad.

Oh.

Bryan, wait. Wait, wait.

[chuckles] I just realized this driver's you.

[laughs] That's awkward.

[instrumental music]

So I'm in midair, right?

And I think I'm totally going to face plant.

[chuckles] But then get this, I don't.

Wow.

You know, you should really come out

and watch me at the ramp next.

Yeah, yeah, that would be great.

You know what? I'm not okay with this.

Trent, Erica's just using
you for your concert tickets.

Lauren

She's dumping you after tonight.

Well, is that true?

I told you that in confidence.

I guess that answers that.

Besides, what do you care? You said he was lame.

He is, but he's still my brother

and what you're doing really sucks.

Well, you can forget about
hanging with me anymore.

Well, I don't want to be your friend anyway.

Fine. Your loss.

Oh, and by the way, I
lied about liking your hair.

[chuckles] She-she was just saying that.

She was, right?

I'm sorry, Trent. I know you liked her.

I just couldn't let her do that to you.

So, what, you care about me now?

Shut up. No.

I just think if anyone's gonna be a jerk to you

it should be me.

Well, you are good at it.

Anyway, you should go to the concert

with someone who likes you for you.

And just to be clear, that's not Erica, right?

[rock song]

[man singing in distance]

[song continues]

[rock music]

[machine whirring]

Bryan? Sweetie? Stop.

Honey, I know you're mad at your dad

but is this really gonna make you feel better?

Maybe you're right.

- Pass the hammer. - Bryan. Honey.

Mom, he lied.

Okay, fine. But I know he wants to talk to you.

Do you think maybe we can just listen?

- Any luck calming him down? - A little.

But just in case, keep your eye on that hammer.

[chuckles]

Hey, buddy. What are you doin'?

Alright.

Look, I lied to you and I'm sorry.

I never, ever should have done that.

But the thing is that
you're such a smart kid, Bryan

and-and you always have been.

And sometimes I wish I could help out more

with the things that you're interested in.

You know, like, science fairs and chess clubs.

I'm just not really good at that stuff.

No argument here.

Come here. Look at me.

Son, when you saw that
car that you thought I made

you looked at me like I was the best dad ever.

Like I was your hero.

And I don't get to be your hero very often.

That's crazy.

I mean you're..

...you're dad.

I know.

I just want you to be
as proud of me as I am of you.

I'm always proud of you.

Thanks, Bryan. Hey, you know what?

Maybe there's something else we can do together.

Oh, the math Olympics are coming up.

[clicks tongue] Or along those
same lines, maybe we can go fishin'.

I guess we could try that.

Yeah, I got a new lure.

It moves just like a wounded tadpole.

Um, actually, dad, new studies show

that fish respond more to sound than movement.

That's just one more thing
we can talk about on the boat.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

How'd the race go?

We got disqualified

because the car weighed too much.

Bill, how could you?

Paul, he knows you built the car.

Well, what's done is done.

Hey, do you guys want to come by and see

the most beautiful faux
lawn in the whole neighborhood?

You got it installed already?

Yeah, and I even found a company

that was having it going out of business sale

so I got it for half price.

I spent the whole afternoon laying back

on a piece of green heaven.

Come on, guys, come check it out.

Should we tell him?

What's done is done.

[ending theme]

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