All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e02 Ask Your Mother.eng

Look at all the sales. Mm.

I wonder if I could get your dad

to take me to the outlet mall today.

He's gonna take you shopping today?

Saturday? When there's a game on?

- Watch and learn. - Hey, pumpkins.

[clears throat] Hey.

Bill, don't forget you said

you'd take me to the outlet mall today.

I did? When did I say that?

Two weeks ago, and I reminded you Monday.

I don't remember that.

Well, of course you don't.
You probably weren't listening.

I told you I'd take you shopping today?

- Mm-mm. - Saturday?

When there's a game on?

You really don't remember this?

Honey, next time write this stuff down, okay?

Okay.

Now, I want to leave by
ten, so you should go change.

I have so much to learn from you.

Next week your dad's taking
me shopping for antiques.

He won't remember that either.

[theme music]

[door opens]

Honey? What's half off one
third the sale price of 120?

I don't know, Susan.

What is 23 stores divided by no parking spaces

times two cold hot dogs from the food court?

You know what, next time, just lock me in the car

and crack the window.

[knocking]

[door opens]

- Hey, Faulkner. - Hey, neighbor.

Looks like another, uh, delivery snafu.

I got this at my doorstep.

Oh, it's our Food of the Month box.
Wonder, what it is?

How the hell should I
know? I'm not a mind reader.

Hmm, it's pears.

What do you know?

And there's one missing.

You got something to say, just say it.

- Stop eating our fruit. - What? I'm insulted.

Okay, I'm sorry.

So, I'll see you next
month when the grapes arrive?

Here's hoping for seedless.

Hey, dad, have you seen mom?

In flats, pumps, and a sexy red slingback

with a nice little kitten heel.

- Anyway, what do you need?
- Nothing, I just need mom.

What do you need, hon?

Can I go to the movies with Julia?

- Uh, yeah, be back by 5:00 p.m. - Thank you.

Hang on, that's what you needed mom for?

Why didn't you just ask me if you could go?

[chuckles]

Because you're not mom.

Okay, where did all that start?

Movies? Uh, well they've
been around for quite a while.

You might know them as talkies.

I meant the whole I can only ask mom stuff.

She probably asked me because
she's used to asking me.

Hey, mom, can I go ride my bike?

Uh, yeah sure sweetie.

Wear a helmet and be back by 5:00 p.m.

Okay.

[door closes]

What is going on here?

When did I become the invisible man to my kids?

- Dad, can I have $10? - Oh, now they see me.

[rock music]

[groaning]

Feel the burn.

Hey, Bill. Hey, you working out now?

Well, a garage with a beer fridge

and a TV is the den of a degenerate.

Throw in a weight bench,
it becomes an exercise facility.

[chuckles]

Energy drink?

Uh, yeah, I think I've earned it.

Hey, Paul, let me ask you something.

When my kids want to do
stuff, they only go to Susan.

- Should that bother me? - No.

Are you just saying that, or do you believe it?

No.

Yeah...no.

Yeah...nope.

I have no idea what you just said.

Bill, the permission dynamic

is a reflection of who has power in the house.

Now, if you don't start asserting yourself

you're gonna find that you won't be able

to make any decisions at all.

That's what, "No, yeah, no, yeah, no" meant?

Mm-mm.

Bill, you used to be able
to read between my lines.

What happened to us?

Okay, when we're alone in the garage

the whole us thing, a little creepy.

But I hear what you're saying.
I'll talk to Susan.

Okay, good, because I'm tired of coming over here

and talking about relationships.

I'd like to come over here
and hang out and talk about sports.

Okay, great. Did you
watch the Rockies last night?

No, this girl I met has got me all torn up.

Okay, let's hear it.

Alright, well, I met this girl named Deirdre

and we were gonna go out

and then she sent me a text message

saying that she had the flu.

So, I sent her an email to reschedule.

Yeah, hold up.

This is three energy drinks
away from being interesting.

Bill, y-y-you just don't get it, man.

She never responded to my email.

Which is very weird because
it was a very amusing limerick.

Whoa, whoa, you sent her a limerick?

- Yeah. - Let me see the email.

"There once was a girl named Deirdre

who was hot and not at all weird-ra."

You're like a stalker in a Dr. Seuss book.

Yeah, I kinda thought it was on the border.

Are you kidding? That's
a three day trip from the border.

- What is going on with you? - I don't know, man.

I've just, I've lost my touch with the ladies.

I hate to say this, but Paul Boom-Boom DuFrayne

is going through a slump.

Okay, it's not a nickname
unless somebody else calls you it.

I was hoping that that would be you.

Come on, let's hear it. Boom-Boom.

Boom-Boom. Boom-Boom.

I will lock that door.

I don't know how to pull myself out of this.

Maybe I should email her again.

No, no, don't do anything.

Your slump is making you desperate.

I'm not desperate, okay?

I just want to date really bad...at all cost..

...with anybody.

As long as it's Deirdre.

Yeah, she's very special to me.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, honey, would you rub my shoulders?

They're really sore from working out.

Is that what you call
having three beers with Paul?

Have you talked to the man? It's exhausting.

So, listen, I was thinking about the kids

always coming to you when they want to do stuff.

Are you still on this?

It's just when they need permission for things

I want them to come to me too.

- I agree. - You do?

Of course, we're a parenting team, right?

Right.

Right, and if you want the kids to come to you

then I am happy to share that responsibility.

If you'd also like to do more of the housework

I am happy to share that too.

Hey, I do housework.

Throwing your underwear
near the hamper? Not so helpful.

Well, anybody can slam dunk their underwear.

It takes guts to shoot a three pointer.

All I'm asking is for
you to get your own rebound.

[knocking] Oh, okay.

If you're gonna do that stuff, close the door.

And lock it.

And turn on the radio.

And then stop.

What is it, Trent?

Mom, can I sleep over
at Zach's house tomorrow night?

- Ask your dad. - No, seriously.

I am serious. Ask your dad.

Okay, um, dad, can I sleep over at Zach's?

Uh.

Uh..

Uh..

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

I just want to know if I could go to a sleepover.

[sighs]

Uh..

Uh..

- Trent! - What?

- No, no, you can't go. - Why not?

- Because I said so. - What?

That blows.

Uh..

Okay, why can't he go?

Because he'll stay up all night

and he'll be exhausted for his track practice.

You know what? I'm gonna get the hang of this.

I'm sure you will.

And if you run into any problems

you can always check with me.

Thanks.

And if you run any problems,
you can always check with me.

[chuckles] Okay.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, good. You're here.
- We live here, uncle Paul.

[door closes]

So, how's things with Deirdre?

- Who's Deirdre? - I don't know.

Some weird-ra girl Paul likes.

Well, you'd be happy to know, buddy

I took your advice and I did not email her.

- Good. - But I did call her.

I told you not to do anything.

I know Bill, but look

the toothpaste is out of that tube, okay?

And it's been two days
and she has not called me back.

Sometimes it takes a day
or two before you call a guy.

Unless he's a loser, then you blow him off

with some lame excuse like

"My dog died," or "I have the flu."

Deirdre said she had the flu.

Yeah, but on the plus side

if she has a dog, he's probably okay.

Sorry, uncle Paul.

- I still love you. - Thank you.

Dad, can I go to the mall with Alexa?

Do I know Alexa?

I've been to the mall with
her, like, a hundred times.

Then yes. Yes, I give you permission to go.

Did you see that? She asked me about the mall.

Is that cool or what?

You know, Bill, I'd love to
share in your shallow victories

but I'm too upset over my Deirdre.

Okay, what did you say in your phone call?

- Well, listen for yourself. - You recorded it?

Yeah, I record all my phone calls

for quality assurance purposes.

(Paul) 'Hey, Deirdre, it's Paul.'

'Paul DuFrayne. You probably got my email.'

'Did you get my email? The
one with the, uh, limerick?'

Oh, God.

(Paul) 'Uh, anywho, just calling
to reschedule our date, so..'

[Paul chuckles]

'Um, give me a ring.'

'A ding ding.'

'Toots.'

'Ero.'

[footsteps receding]

What was that noise at the end?

That's when I threw the phone
down and ran out of the room.

You see what this slump is doing to me, Bill?

It's making me do things that
I would have never done before.

Look, you've always been
successful with the ladies.

You just need to go back

to what's worked for you in the past.

No, you got something there.

I need to get back to the basics.

Flowers, chocolates, human contact.

I need for Deirdre to look into my eyes

and feel the DuFrayne magic.

Can you feel the magic, Bill?

Can you feel it?

I think I can smell the magic.

Egg salad?

Abracadabra, baby.

[instrumental music]

(Suzanne) 'Every single time you squeeze'

'you strengthen the tummy
right where you need it'

'so it's easy to squeeze
through tummyache sometimes.'

What are you guys watching?

I think it's one of your old videos.

Suzanne Summers.

That's not mine. That's your mother's.

I used to do aerobics until I dropped.

Then I found Thigh Master.

- Is it just me or is she- - Adorable.

[scoffs] You guys know you're
drooling over a 60 year-old woman?

Well, the exercise must work.

She's hot.

Bill, where's Lauren?

- At the mall with Alexa. - Alexa?

You let her go to the mall with Alexa? Ah!

Ooh, we're in trouble.

You'll be fine.

Whatever she says you did,
just tell her dad said it was..

That's not gonna work for you.

I don't care what your father said.

You get back here right now.

Do you hear me, young lady?

Okay, why can't Lauren go to the mall with Alexa?

Because Alexa shoplifts.

Oh, that's the girl who wears the big coats.

What am I supposed to do?

Background checks on all their friends?

I should have realized that
the kids would take advantage

of you because you don't know this stuff.

Okay, so Lauren snuck one by me.
It won't happen again.

Oh, quick question.

Does Trent need a paintball
gun for his art class?

That's what I thought. Excuse me. Trent!

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'So, this alleged meeting.'

Any of these kids have a criminal record?

Dad, it's chess club.

- Any girls gonna be there? - Not cute ones.

Again, it's chess club.

Bryan, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be at chess.

I know.

I was just making sure I had all the information

I needed before I gave the go ahead.

[sighs] Come on, sweetie, I'll take you.

Okay, I give you permission to go.

[knocking]

[door opens]

Hey, Faulkner.

Yeah, I felt bad about the way

we left the fruit thing yesterday

and I just wanted to come over and apologize.

Okay, great, thank you, that's very nice of you.

[chuckles akwardly]

Neighbour comes over to apologize

and you don't put anything out, a bowl of nuts

some pears maybe?

If you're here for another pear, just admit it.

Hey, for your information

I came over here to be neighborly

and have a nice conversation.

Okay, alright, sorry.

Would you like a pear?

Well, maybe just one.

So, uh, what do you think
about the new speed bumps?

Ah, I've lost interest.

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

(Suzanne) 'So, it's easy to squeeze.'

'Squeeze your way to shapely hips and thighs.'

[door opens]

- Hey, buddy. - Oh, here it is!

I found it! I found it!

- Hey, what's up, man? - Ah!

Great news, buddy. I have a date.

Wow!

The DuFrayne Magic FaceTime
actually worked with Deirdre?

I could do without the derision, Bill.

Do you know what derision means?

Seriously, do you?

Because I just heard it and I was hoping

I was using it right.

Anyways, my date is not with Deirdre.

Who's it with?

Well, I went down to this flower shop

to get a bouquet of flowers
for Deirdre, and I met Holly.

- Who's Holly? - Just a gift from heaven.

She's the owner of the flower
shop, and she's amazing, Bill.

We have so many things in common, you know.

- We both like- - I'm guessing she's a babe.

Alicious, thank you very much.

And we are going out tonight.

- I'm almost out of my slump. - Great.

[phone beeping]

Oh, that's me.

Oh, she just cancelled.

Oh, man, the flu.

She's blowing me off.

Oh, now, come on, you don't know that.

Let's look on the positive.

Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom.

Boom-boom. Boom-boom.

- Hey! Boom-boom. - Boom-boom.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I've been thinking about it

and I've got a plan that will solve

this whole permission thing.

You're just gonna say yes to everything?

[chuckles] No.

But you admit that is a way to go.

No, we're gonna fill out a grid.

A grid? Yes!

That way I get all the information I need

so I know when to say yes or no

and don't have to grill you kids all the time.

Yeah, that's not a grid, that's a chart.

You might want to think about that next time

before you go and get people all excited.

I think this is a great idea.

Let's start with planned
activities for the week. Lauren.

Uh, I have yearbook, choir, and dance.

Yearbook, choir, dance.

- Bryan. - Chess club, soccer, dance.

Dance?

42 girls and me, they never see it coming.

Uh, mark me down for art class, trombone..

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You play trombone?

- Oh, right. No, drums. - Drums.

What about extra stuff, like going to the mall?

- And skateboard. - Hold on, hold on.

I don't have a column for that.

You would if you had a real grid.

Tell dad about that thing you do on Fridays.

Oh, yeah, we go to Benny's, the hamburger place

unless Lindsay's gonna be there.

Then we go to Jackson's.

Who is a person, not a hamburger place.

- Who's a person? - Jackson.

Oh, and Bill, you need to mark down

who they're allowed to hang
out with and who they aren't.

Oh, okay.

- What about Eddie? - Nope.

- But he's- - Remember that?

Oh, right.

- Jessica? No. - Is she still? Oh, then okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yes on Eddie, no on Jessica?

Well, actually, it's the other way around.

For the love of God, dad, please use a ruler.

Trent, on Tuesdays, are you still-

No, that was changed to Thursdays.

What was?

Oh, never mind, I got kicked out of that.

Oh, and Bill, don't forget
Lauren's cheerleading practice.

That's a nightmare because sometimes

it's Tuesday, Thursdays.

Whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down..

Well, sometimes it's Monday, Wednesday.

Yeah, depending on if there's an away game.

You know what? Forget it.

I give up. I give up.

If you guys want to do something

just ask your mother.

Oh, and I have track practice.

Uh, we're, we're all done with the grid, sweetie.

What grid?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay.

I don't know what this is about

but I know it's not about permission or grids.

Let me ask you a question, Susan.

When did our kids get lives

that I know absolutely nothing about?

Well, honey, that's, that's part of growing up.

But when they were little

everything I need to
know about them fit in a box.

Well, as they get older,
their lives get more complicated.

Well, see this?

When Lauren was four, I
knew she wanted to be a princess.

That was it.

And Trent wanted to be a fireman.

Until he realized that firemen

aren't the guys who set the fires.

Now, things aren't so simple.

I mean, with chess club and cheerleading

and dance, and apparently drums.

Sometimes I just feel left out of that stuff.

Alright, so maybe you don't know every detail

but you are there for all the stuff that matters.

But I like the details.

I mean, life is in the details.

I just want to know all that stuff like you do.

Bill, if I happen to know more

about what's going on with the kids

it's only because I'm at
home and you're at the office.

Well, you know what? It's
time for things to change.

Oh, God, you're-you're not going to start

working from home, are you?

No.

But starting now, every Sunday night

we're going to start dinner
with a Pearson family recap.

I want to know every detail of everything

that happens to everybody during that week.

Then that's what we'll do.

We'll have to eat dinner at 4 o'clock but..

[chuckles]

I just don't want to be one of those dads

who doesn't know what's going on.

My family's too important to me.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Ugh!

[chuckles]

Remember this?

[chuckles] Yeah.

That was such a special day.

Wasn't it?

I have no idea what it is.

I don't even know who made it.

- But we should keep it, right? - Oh, yeah.

You can't throw out memories like this.

[instrumental music]

Okay, it's Holly's answering machine.

Okay, just leave a message. Keep it short.

Tell her you're sorry she's sick.

- That's it. - Yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay. Well, do it.

Hey there, flower girl.

Sorry to hear your tummy's sour...girl.

I'll call you again in an hour...girl.

[breathing shakily] Here, Bill, take it.

- No, it's your girlfriend. - No, please.

- Help me. Help me. - Say bye.

Wrong number.

[ending theme]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0