All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s02e01 But, Thats Not Fair.eng

[instrumental music]

Yeah, Paul, I've got a BB gun.

It's here somewhere.

What do you need it for?

Well, why don't you just tell the paperboy

to stop throwing it on the roof?

Hello? Paul?

Ugh.

God, we have really got to clean this place up.

[crashing]

'Ow! Ow! Ow!'

Ooh. My "Kool & The Gang" album.

- Bill? - Hey, Susan.

You said the movers stole this.

Yeah. Honey, it's Paul.

Sorry, Paul. Somehow we
get lousy reception in the house.

- Here. - Hey, Paul. Yeah.

Guess who's getting down tonig-

Hello?

What is the deal with these cellphones?

I swear, I'm going down to that store tomorrow

and rippin' somebody a new one.

Wow, honey...that's kinda sexy.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, you liked it?

And just like that it's gone.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Mmm. Smells good.

Oh! Jeez, that's hot!

And just so you're not surprised later

the thing's in the freezer, cold.

Hey, I thought Lauren

was supposed to be setting the table.

I'm tired of reminding her, like I'm tired of

telling Trent to clean his room

and Bryan to pick up the dog poop in the yard?

Kids, dinner!

Yet, we continue to pay them allowance.

Well, we can be using that money for golf clubs.

Or something you would like.

Like a golf bag.

- Stay out of my room. - I finished my homework.

Good for you, yay.

Noticed anything about the table, Lauren?

We both know this'll go
a lot faster if you just tell me.

The table is set.

Nice job.

It's your responsibility.

Just like cleaning up after Raffles

in the backyard is Bryan's.

Picking up poop makes me gag.

Oh, and it doesn't make me gag?

I pray for a sunny day just so

those little things will bake up hard.

Thanks, that's gonna make this better.

And Trent, when was the
last time you cleaned your room?

I wanna say..

You wanna say what?

What?

Never mind, the point is

we're paying you kids an allowance

but none of you are earning it.

That's right. These are your responsibilities

and you need to start taking care of 'em.

Can we just get a maid?

[laughs] That's a good one.

What would mom do?

Okay, look. Your chores aren't just some

busy work your mom and I dreamed up.

We're trying to teach
you kids some accountability.

That's right, we want you to go into the world

and become productive members of society.

Do you wanna be living here in 30 years?

Come on, dad, we'll all
be living in space by then.

You're already living in space.

You guys think this is funny

because we've been paying
you far too long for doing nothin'.

So tomorrow, the three of you

will clean out the garage for free.

- What? - Hey. That's not fair.

Where are we? Cameroon?

The cocoa fields?

Forced child labor?

The internet is good for more
than games and gossip, people.

Pass the beans.

[acoustic music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey.

I just came from the cellphone store

and I totally laid in to
him about our reception problem.

- Oh? - Yep. I put my foot down.

And lookie here.

Two free cellphone cases..

...and these hi-tech antenna booster stickers.

Stickers, too? What? Did
you have a a mask and a gun?

Yeah, well, with these,
you get reception anywhere.

Check it out.

You don't have any bars.

Hmm. Maybe the sticker
has to boot up or somethin'.

Yeah, that's how technology works, Bill.

I went to the cellphone store today, too

and they upgraded me to a new phone.

- What?! - Yeah.

- It's the Labyrinth Crossover.

It plays MP3, it has GPS

email, a $400 phone and they give to me for free.

For free?!

What were you wearin'?

- Just a smile. - Yeah.

And how far down was that smile unbuttoned?

Sometimes it doesn't hurt
to play the damsel in distress.

Oh, if only there were a white knight

inside their cellular kingdom

who would rush in on his trusty steed

and save me from the prison of poor reception.

That's how you've been getting
those free oil changes, huh?

I'm just saying, you get more flies with honey.

Well, that's ridiculous. You shouldn't have to

put on a show to get what's there.

We had exactly the same problem

we should get exactly the same deal.

Maybe you should call and complain.
Wanna use my phone?

No, I'm gonna go down to that
store and get what I deserve.

Oh-oh! You might wanna bring an umbrella.

My phone says it's gonna rain.

Man, it's a disaster in here.

Do you know how long it's
gonna take to clean this place?

Depends how much of the stuff is flammable

and if we have insurance.

What's this?

I think it's some sort of back brace.

Or maybe dad had polio as a kid.

It's really uncomfortable.

I'm guessing polio is no vacation either.

This is so unfair.

Most of this stuff is mom and dad's

and yet they expect us to clean it, for free?

It's a beautiful day outside,
I could be in the mall.

Alright, I say, we just blast
through and be done with it.

Or...maybe we just don't do it at all.

Cool, later!

Wait! Don't you wanna know why?

Oh, but, but I'm already all the way over here.

Mom and dad always tell
us to stand up for what's right

and making us clean this garage
for free is not totally right.

We're been exploited,
and we need to band together

to protect ourselves.

So we're agreed? We're all in this together.

- Three voices, united as one.
- Hey, Water Wiggle.

Okay, two voices and a wet
guy running around in the lawn.

Wee!

[Trent chuckles]

So what are gonna do about the garage?

[acoustic music]

- Welcome back, Mr. Pearson. - Hi.

Yeah, um, I have a bone to pick with you, Sparky.

My wife came in here with the same phone

same reception problems, but somehow

she walks out with a $400 super phone

and I get these useless foil stickers.

Did you let them boot up?

Are you messing with me?

Yes, sir, I am.

Look, I don't want these lousy
stickers, I want what's fair.

Now, look, I paid a lot for these service

and right now I'm not very happy.

Well, according to your customer survey here

when asked if you were completely satisfied

you wrote, "Yes. Awesome. Thanks."

You know what would be awesome?

You giving me the same phone my wife got.

I tell you what. Since you came all this way down

I will give you the Labyrinth Crossover.

- Thank you. - For $400.

You know what? I wanna speak to your manager.

Oh. I am the manager.

Then you should be able to help me out with this.

You would think, yeah.

But I'm sorry, there's
nothing more that I can do.

Alright. Well, I demand you cancel my service

credit my account.

Uh, before I do that

the district manager will be in tomorrow.

You might wanna talk to him.

Oh, you bet I'm gonna talk to him.

I'll be here 10 am sharp.

Well, he get's in at 11.

Okay, then I'll be here at 11.

He's in a meeting till 12.

- Can I ask you a question? - Why, yes, sir.

How many times a day do you get punched?

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm watching the Labyrinth Channel.

- It has a channel? - Shh-shh. Shh-shh.

- Oh! - You know what?

It doesn't matter. Tomorrow

I have a meeting with the district manager

and after that, justice will be mine.

Good for you.

Text "dinner's ready" to the kid's phones.

- What was that? - Oh.

I can voice text the kids when I need them.

But, I just have a fancy
phone, and you have a meeting.

Why don't you just make out with it?

You joke?

But I had to stop myself twice.

- Hey, kids. - Hello.

So, how excited am I gonna be to see the garage?

"Excited" may not be the right word.

Yeah, it might be exactly the wrong word.

An anthenym, if you will.

- It's antonym. - Oh, right.

I was thinking of, like, you know,

at the the beginning of baseball games

the national anthenym.

(Lauren) 'Guys..'

Guys, I'll do the talking.

We didn't clean the garage,
and we're not going to.

- Excuse me? - This better be a joke.

No, we discussed it, and
we decided that it's not fair.

Yeah, you're not paying us any money.

- So what's in it for us? - What's in it for..

How about a roof over your head?

Food on the table, warm beds.

We get that stuff anyway.

If you want the garage cleaned

you're gonna need to sweeten the deal.

I think you're forgetting who's in charge here.

That is right. And you know what?

After dinner, you three will clean that garage.

Fine, if you pay us.

This is not a negotiation.

Well then, we're not cleaning it.

We're tired of you guys oppressing us.

Until you pay us, we're on strike.

On strike?

On strike?

Yeah, like the Pullman car workers of 1894.

- They- - Zip it, Encyclopedia Brown!

You kids think this house is a democracy?

- No. Uh-uh. I'm in charge. - Well, he-

We are in charge.

Other kids' parents don't
make them do all their work.

Really? Well, do other parents kids do this?

- Give me your cellphones.
- What, what are you doing?

Hey, you got four bars.

Bill...focus.

But we're on the same plan.

You're calculator?

If they have to give something up, I will too.

- Fine. - I already feel naked.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. - What're.. Dad!

- I was gonna.. - Dad?

- Wha-what're you doing? - What're you doin'?

Parenting.

He's moves pretty fast for a guy who had polio.

Okay, listen up, starting right now

you're locked out of your rooms.

Dad, that's crazy.

That's right. You know why?

'Cause bedrooms are privilege

and you just lost that privilege.

Just like you lost the use your cellphones

computers, calculators.

Oh, you know what else is a privilege? Food.

And until that garage is clean

all privileges are hereby revoked.

Honey, this looks great.

Your taking our stuff?

You're locking us out of our rooms?

Mom!

Uh, I-I agree with your father.

- Okay, so no computer? - No cellphone?!

- No. - That means no texting.

How am I gonna talk to people?

- How about face to face? - Sure.

Turn me into some kinda freak!

It's true.

[acoustic music]

[door opens]

What is going on?

I realized that the pantry was still accessible

and no food means no food.

Well, not no food. I left some Pimento loaf.

By the way, stop buying that.

What are these for?

Light is a privilege too, Susan.

If they wanna find that Pimento loaf

they'll have to use their sense of smell.

Which shouldn't be hard. How old is that stuff?

Don't you think you're taking
this a little bit too far?

Honey, our hold on power
in this house is sketchy at best.

If we back down now, that can only lead us

being overthrown, beaten

and locked in a basement closet

and you just know what they'll feed us.

Oh, I get it. You don't like the Pimento loaf.

Alright, I'll go along with you on this one.

Actually, I kinda happy with
you being the bad guy for once.

It's about teaching them a little respect.

And I don't care if they don't like me.

You think they don't like me?

Bet they have light bulbs in Cameroon.

When does it get dark enough

to see your eyeballs glowing white?

Midnight, in cartoon time.

Well, maybe we pushed dad too far.

Maybe we should just go and clean the garage.

No, that's exactly what he expects us to do.

We have to stay strong.

So you're just supposed to wait him out?

- I'm starving. - Don't worry.

The human body can go 40 days without food.

Let's say we eat the bony little one first.

Well, there's not much meat there

but I'll enjoy the quiet.

You know what? We're gonna be okay.

If I don't text someone soon

the phone company is
gonna know something is wrong

and send the police.

[chomping]

- What is that? Is that food? - Yeah.

I found something in the cushions.

It's pretty good.

Oh, wait, no, it's not.

I gotta find something to chase this.

Look, I know we're tired and hungry

but we've taken it this
far and we need to stick with it.

Think about our enemy, dad is a big softy.

You're right. He's probably up in his room

right now, ready to cave.

And any minute now, he'll
come racing down the stairs

wanting to make us eggs.

Just let me go and make 'em some eggs.

You.. You have got to stay strong.

But they're gonna hate me.

Bill, you said yourself,
they have to learn this lesson.

Well, easy for you to say.
You're the popular parent.

Look, the whole point of doing this

was to show them who's in charge.

If you go down there now, you're gonna loose

all the credibility you've gained.

Okay, Susan. I did not wanna do this.

But I will use my brute strength

to get past you and through that door.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[acoustic music]

[sighs]

Oh, great. You're up.

- Let's go check on the kids. - Fine, fine.

By the way, this is not the direction

I thought we're going last night.

I know this was hard for you, but staying up here

last night was the right thing to do.

I know, I was thinking the
same thing between 2 and 2:30.

And FYI, between 4 and
5, this room is scary dark.

[door opens]

Oh, God!

- The kids have run away. - Oh, God.

This is your fault. Right
now, they're on the street

telling some homeless guy how much they hate me.

[knocking]

Come here. Come here. Come here.

- What? - Did you see that?

I did it. I won.

You lay the law down, you stand your ground

your kids will respect you.

So, me tying our wrists together
that'll be our little secret?

- Could it? - Mm.

[music fades]

[instrumental music]

Well, well, well.

Looks like papa bear's still the..

...captain of the..

...roosten place.

What?

Ah, your father didn't
get a lot of sleep last night.

What he means is, he's still king of his castle.

Oh. Well, uh..

...we found your old speedo, Your Highness.

It is old, right?

So what happened to the strike?

Well, when dad didn't come down to make us eggs

we realized he was never gonna give.

No, never, not the king.

And we just weren't strong enough.

I mean, look what I have
to work with, scared child

with no resolve..

...and Bryan.

Hey, you were the one crying
about your little cellphone.

And I miss my iPod and my
video games, and my computer.

I've been alone with my thoughts all night.

Do you know what it's like in here?

Okay. So then, from now on, you'll do your chores

with no grumbling or complaining?

- Yeah. - Whatever.

Alright, we'll work on that.

But right now, why don't we all go inside

and I'll make us waffles for breakfast?

- Sure. - Okay. Good job.

And by the way, it looks nice. Thank you.

Oh, I say they'll forgive you in about a week.

Hey, as long as I've earned their respect

I don't care how long it takes.

Hmm.

I'm gonna give 'em each
20 bucks so just to speed it up.

I'll give you 20 bucks if you put that Speedo on.

Really?

[laughs] No.

[instrumental music]

Oh, sweet.

Mmm. Mmm. Check it out? What do you think?

Great, great. Have you seen my phone?

I wanna finish watching
that movie I started yesterday.

Ah, yeah. I, uh, I-I may have seen it.

- Oh, where? - Okay.

You agree that it wasn't

fair that you got upgraded and I didn't.

- Right? Okay. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, so did the district manager.

He said, "You should have never gotten

that fancy phone in the first place."

So I took it back and they
swapped it out for your old one.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's more.

Before you get all upset.
I also was able to get you

this state of the art antenna extender.
..for free.

You know where you can put that extender, Bill?

I do.

But I don't believe it's gonna
help our reception problems.

I want you to go back to that store

and get me my Labyrinth Crossover.

- Fine. - And this time..

Why don't you try being nice and maybe

they'll give you one for free.

Okay. I'll punch the guy as nicely as I can.

But I'm keeping this.

[outro theme]

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