Original subtitles

[theme music]

(male announcer) The "Bill Engvall Show" is taped before

a live studio audience.

You wanna go up and get them?

No, they have to learn some personal responsibility.

You know what doesn't make any sense?

Girls really have it together, and boys are just a mess.

And somehow they end up running everything in the world.

That's because they're willing to kill people, darling.

Although it looks like we may have a female president soon.

[Bill gags]

What is that?

- Allergies. - The allergies.

Well, since you seem to have it so together Lauren, did you

get the oil changed on the car like you were supposed to?

I forgot where you told me to go.

Just go anyplace that ends in "lube."

- What are we eatin'? - French toast.

Ah, merci beaucoup.

[stammering] Uh, ja...ta..

How's that French class goin', Trent?

- Tres bon. - Hey, hey. Come on.

- Let's eat up. Move out. Okay. - Alright, I'll eat in the car.

(Susan) 'Bye kids, learn something.'

And you have a good day. Cure somebody.

Fortunately for me, honey, mental health

is a never ending problem.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Please, guys, if you're gonna do that in public, be younger.

And not my parents.

Oh, oh, oh, don't forget, uh, tomorrow night

we're going out with Bob, Paul and Kiki.

- Remember? - We are?

Yeah, we're gonna go to that club in Denver.

- Oh, we are? - Yeah, we're gonna karaoke.

I have no memory of this.

Okay, okay, fine. Fine.

You do not need that bacon.

[acoustic music]

[music fades]

So I'm gonna replace your belts, and the water pump pulley

and do a crankcase flush.

Cool.

But my dad just said to get the oil changed.

But your dad would want you to be

as safe as possible, wouldn't he?

- I guess. - Good.

So I'll rotate your tires too. I'll write up a work order.

You'll sign it and we'll get start.

[sighs]

I think I'm getting hosed

on this lube job.

[wheels rattling]

You don't need all that stuff.

I knew it. I was just texting my friend Nora that.

Yeah, well, people assume that beautiful girls are stupid..

...when it comes to cars.

[chuckles] Nice save.

- I'm Casey. - Lauren.

Listen, um..

[hood clanks] Why don't you pull it out of here. I'll deal with him.

- But what about my oil? - Oh, I'll take care of it.

But I, but I, I can't talk here, can I call you?

Me? Of course me.

I'm the only person here.

Uh, do you have paper? Of course you wouldn't.

Oh. Okay, you can write on my hand.

I messed up. My three looks like an eight.

I hope you get it right this time

'cause I'm running out of hands.

Well, the harvest wasn't as plentiful as I hoped.

What did you grow? A red marble?

Ha-ha-ha.

Laugh all you want, but one of us will be having

fresh tomato tonight.

[gasps] Aah! No!

Ah!

[Susan sighs] I was gonna have you with my carrot.

[door opens]

Hello, mother. Hello, brother.

- Hey, where were ya? - Uh, Sonic.

- Okay. - Did anyone call me?

- Uh, I don't think so, dear. - Oh. I'm going upstairs.

- Hey, some dude called you. - Really? Who?

Uh, I can't remember his name.

I wanna say it was Doug or Toug-

- Was it Casey? - Yeah. Might have been.

- Well, give me the number. - Okay.

I forget where I wrote it down, so.

Oh, my gosh.

He must really like me to call so soon.

Alright, so wait-wait, who's, who's Casey?

- Does he go to your school? - No, he already graduated.

- He's older, like 19. - Ah. Well, where did you meet?

At the lube place.

Uh, was he getting his car done too?

No. He works there.

He's a mechanic.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Uh, so what else do you know about him?

He has these really intense eyes.

- Mm. Mm-hm. - And a cool voice.

You know how sometimes you look at a person

and you just know that they're cute.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I-I remember those days.

I should go call him.

How do I look?

You look good enough for a phone call.

[gasps] Ah, no!

[acoustic music fades]

[instrumental music]

Hey. Mr. Faulkner gave me some tomatoes from his garden.

Uh.

Said they were just gonna rot on the vine if we don't eat 'em.

Probably got a lot of fertilizer left from his bomb making days.

[Bill chuckles]

Did Lauren get the car serviced?

Yeah, I assume so.

She's all excited because she met a boy at the garage.

- What do you mean by a boy? - A cute mechanic.

Well, how old is this mechanic?

Nineteen. Oh, honey, honey, unclench the face.

Well, is she gonna go out with this guy?

Uh, possibly. Why, what's the big deal?

Because he's old, and from the outer world.

Bill, Bill, let her enjoy it, let her have some fun.

- She's a pretty girl. - And I blame you for that.

That's sweet.

[acoustic music]

[music stops]

- Done. - What did you do?

Jeremy Nuni and I have formed a partnership

to corner the market in python eggs.

Uh, I thought you guys were enemies.

What can I say, capitalism makes strange bedfellows.

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

I'm gonna go get coffee with a friend.

Who, Captain Hook?

- I could go for mochacchino. - I'm not taking you.

Did you tell mom and dad that you're leaving us alone?

- Wait, mom and dad aren't here? - They went to Denver.

- Denver? - Yeah.

You know, the big city we live near.

- So don't tell them, okay? - Sure.

And, along with the mochaccino

I'll have a blueberry muffin and, uh..

[huffs]

...five bucks.

[engine revving]

Oh, man.

- That Toug has a sweet ride. - It's Casey.

And it's a Chevelle Super Sport

with a 396 and four on the floor.

Do you have any idea what that means?

No.

[upbeat music]

[music fades]

- Oh. - 100 year old soldier.

- Ah. - It is a very smooth.

But the watch out.

[all laughing]

- Oh! Oh! - Alright, so be careful.

- This stuff sneaks up on you. - Okay.

The first time I tried it, I was in Seoul, Korea.

I was there for a podiatrist convention.

I picked the location, Seoul, podiatrist?

Well, I thought was clever.

[Bill laughs]

Well, here's to good times and good friends.

- Yes, sir. - Yeah.

Yes, sir.

- Mm. - 'Ah!'

You guys know there's no place I'd rather be..

...except for maybe that table

over there with those three hot chicks.

[all laughing]

- Yeah, right. - I'll see ya.

[upbeat music]

[Rick Derringer singing "Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo"]

? Couldn't stop moving when it first took hold ?

? It was a warm spring night at the old town hall ?

? There was a group called The Jokers ?

? They were layin' it down ?

? Oh ?

? 'Cause ya know I'm never gonna lose that funky sound ?

? Rock and roll hoochie koo ?

? Rock and roll ?

? Done said goodbye to all my blues ?

? Rock and roll hoochie koo ?

? Lordy mama light my fuse ?

? Ow! ??

[music fades]

Uh, h-hey, Brian.

Those Python eggs your sellin'..

- Yeah? - Where do you keep 'em?

- Where do you think? - The refrigerator?

I don't know.

- That's why I'm asking. - Well, ahem..

Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor

and squeezed 'em out yet.

I don't know, bro. Your snake doesn't look

any different than it ever looked.

Hmm.

Hey, hey, maybe we can hold her up

and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste.

No!

Or, or we could get a vacuum cleaner-

I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion.

- Basketball pump- - Trent!

Sleep.

[upbeat music]

[Susan laughs]

Cheers to my wife..

...without whom I don't know where I'd be.

Probably fishing.

[Susan laughingly] Oh, my God.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Well, I hate to bring this to an end

but I am doing a big hair transplant tomorrow morning.

My client is a rapper, and if I screw up, he'll kill me.

[all laughing]

No, I'm serious.

[guests applauding]

Well, would you like to continue this celebration

at home, my little mong gungwa?

Aww.

[speaking foreign language]

No, no, no, no, no. It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

- Ow, ow, ow. - Ow!

[Susan laughs]

[clears throat] Um..

Give me beat.

G-give me a beat!

- 'Beat.' - This stuff's the devil's work.

[Bill chuckles]

? Well you're a real big cookies.. ?

Oh, honey, I need my glasses, I can't see.

? That's okay let's see how you do it ?

? Put up your dukes ?

? Let's get down and chew it ?

? Hit me with your best shot ?

? Come one now hit me with your best shot ?

? Hit me with your best shot ?

? Fire away! ??

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

[music fades]

[door opens]

- That was fun. - Oh, God!

- Oh, it's so late. - I know.

It's way past our usual bedtime.

But I'm not too tired, are you?

- Uh-uh. - Stop! Okay, stop that.

Stop! Stop!

[Bill giggling] Now, wait, wait.

You were something up on that stage.

- Was I? - Yeah, God!

[both laughing]

Wow, I've never seen this side of you

but I like it, like it, like it, I do.

(Susan) 'You know what this reminds me of?'

It's, it's like when we were first going out, you know?

That thrilling feeling when you're having way too much fun

but you wanna just keep having more.

[Bill laughing]

Ow. Wow. You never did that with your hair before.

No?

[both laughing]

[door clatters]

- Hello? Hi. - Oh, hey.

I thought I heard something.

So I came down to see what it was.

And it was just you guys so..

Good times.

I'm gonna go back to my bed and I'm gonna go back to sleep.

- Goodnight. - Sweet, sweet dreams.

- I'm fed up too. - Carry me.

What? No, oh, babe, no, no.

[Bill laughing] God. God.

Giddy up.

[Bill laughing]

[acoustic music]

[music fades]

Wow, I cannot believe I slept so late.

Somebody must have worn me out last night.

Oh!

Don't, don't squeeze me till the ibuprofen kicks in.

I can't..

? Hit me with your best shot ??

Yeah.

Oh, here, here, I'll help you with that.

I'll help you with that.

Wow, we gotta get some more of that soldier stuff.

Uh.

Normally we're like a 9, but last night we were a 12..

[chuckles]

...thousand.

Yeah. My personal best.

And I stuck the landing too.

[Bill chuckles]

Let me just say, you were a fiesta!

Woah. How come I haven't seen you in these?

Because they're your daughter's.

Oh, no!

- Really? - Well, she's growing up.

Bill, she's a woman.

But w-what happen to the lollipop ones

and her Puffy Bunny bedtime pals?

She still has Puffy Bunny.

But now she's got thongs and mechanics.

When did all this start?

Remember when the doctor said it's a girl? Right then.

(Bryan) 'Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!'

[indistinct shouting]

Well, what now?

Uh, Bryan's friend Jeremy is over.

W-why don't you go up and see what the boys are doing?

You'll have a lot longer to worry about them.

They're still in the regular underwear, right? Alright.

Okay. So, your snake Priscilla

is not a girl snake?

Finding the gender of reptiles is difficult.

If not impossible.

So Jeremy, your snake..

- Conan. Yep. - Is the one with the eggs?

But we're still partners

because Priscilla contributed the male gamete.

Man, nature is so whack.

[door opens]

Hey, what's going on up here?

We have triumphed.

Our breeding program is successful.

That's step one in our long range plan to rule the world.

Man, things sure are different

than when we were young, huh dad?

[Bill chuckles] Yeah.

Hey, uh, listen. Well, while you're trying to rule the world

keep it down, your mom's got a headache. Okay?

[engine revving]

Oh man, Casey has the coolest car.

[engine revving]

Lauren.

'Lauren. Lauren.'

Lauren.

- Where you going? - Out.

I'll walk ya.

So tell me about this Casey fella.

See, sometimes I know what's going on.

There's nothing going on.

Well, if he's a gentleman, he'd come to the door.

We're gonna be late for the movie.

Well, either he comes in or you don't go out.

Your choice.

This is Casey, this is my family.

'And some little kid I don't know.'

Hi, it's nice to meet you all.

- Hi. - Well, come on in. Sit down.

We're late for a movie, remember?

Yeah. Go. Have-have a good time.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me treat.

That's my only daughter right there

and, she's precious to me.

So if you got any ideas about..

makin' out or hookin' up

or whatever you call it these days..

I just want you to know that I have no problem

going back to prison.

Enjoy the movie.

- Bye, everyone. - Thank you for everything.

- Have fun. - Buh-bye.

Bye.

So what do you think?

- I think Casey's cool. - His car's cool.

I'm not in this family, but he looks like a criminal to me.

Thank you, boys.

You have got to break that off.

What?

Well, I think it's pretty clear who's after what here.

Bill, what are you talking about? Casey?

He seems like a nice boy.

He's not a boy.

He's a man with a car and a job and a..

Come on!

Bill, isn't it a little sexist of you to think

that every guy is just after that?

No, because I am a guy, and that's what I'm after.

Only from you, of course.

I just, I got an instinct about this fella.

Yeah, well, so do I. Cute only lasts about three weeks.

Well, I lasted longer than that.

Yeah, see.

[instrumental music]

[music fades]

I hear 'em. I hear 'em.

- Look like you're not worried. - I'm not worried.

Good. Me neither.

[door opens]

Oh, hi, honey. Look Lauren's home.

- How'd your date go? - He broke up with me.

- Ah! - Oh, no.

And he seemed like such a nice boy.

Honey, what happened?

Apparently dad went Tony Soprano on him.

[sighs] What did you do, Bill?

He threatened Casey.

When were you ever in prison, dad?

I was just making conversation.

Well, Casey said he didn't think

we should see each other anymore.

He didn't wanna cause trouble in my family.

I am so humiliated.

Oh, sweetheart, maybe it's for the best.

Not that you're humiliated.

It's just, I think you can do better than Casey.

We were just going to the movies.

Having some fun, dad.

Remember what that's like? Fun?

Yes, I do.

It's just that your mother and I think, well..

You wanna chime in here?

You go ahead, you're on a roll.

Sweetheart, you may not realize at this point

but I saved you from making a bad mistake.

Do you want me to be one of those kids that goes around

and never lets you meet who I'm going out with?

Fine. I can do that.

Well, she's home safe and sound.

Yep.

You don't think what we all just did here was good, huh?

[Susan sighs]

Oh, she'll forget about this in a..

Oh.

- You know, I'll just run out- - Mm-hmm.

So I just gotta..

Got it.

[instrumental music]

[gentle acoustic music]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[music fades]

You know, i-it's not easy

being the dad of a teenage girl these days.

Look, I know you're mad at me.

Yeah. Right again, dad.

[imitates bunny] Hello. Hello.

- Dad. - Don't be mad.

- Be glad. - Come on.

You know, when I used to do that, you'd laugh and laugh.

One time you fell down, cut your knee

and you had to have stitches.

Puffy Bunny cheered you right up.

I was four, dad.

That was 13 short years ago.

Look, honey..

Maybe I overreacted with Casey.

And for that, I'm sorry.

But I was just trying to protect ya.

I'm not upset that you were trying to protect me.

'That's what you're supposed to do.'

But you just made a judgment based on someone's looks.

I-I know.

But I also know that cute can cover a multitude of flaws.

I'm going to meet boys, dad.

And before you scare them off..

...how about you give me the benefit of the doubt

that maybe I have some sense, some good judgment.

Because you taught me that.

Because you're a good dad.

Wow.

You really make it impossible to argue with that.

[imitates bunny] Hear that? You are a good dad.

If you don't mind, I'd like to sit out here

and be mad at you a little longer.

Okay.

- I love you. - I love you too.

- Can you leave Puffy Bunny? - Yeah, sure.

It's starting to get a little cool out here.

[gentle acoustic music]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[outro theme]

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