Original subtitles

[theme music]

(male narrator) "The Bill Engvall Show" is taped

before a live studio audience.

(Alice) 'I mean, it's not that we're not happy.'

- We are. - We just feel dead..

Inside.

Well, it sounds like you need to shake things up a little bit.

You know, exercise your imagination.

You might want to try role playing, for example.

Wait, role-role playing?

Now, look what you've done, she's freaking out.

It-it.. Alice, it's easy.

Alright, now let's start with you.

In your wildest fantasies

is there anything you've ever wanted to be?

Yes, I always wanted to be a rock and roll star.

Like, Barry Manilow.

Okay, good, good, good.

Okay, you're a rock and roll star.

You want to pick a rock and roll name, Joe?

Joe.

I got an idea. Stand up over here.

Alright, now Joe, you're a rock star .

And Alice, you're his groupie.

And you just met.

Go.

Um, your music is nice.

Thank you.

Great! That was great!

Now, I'm dead inside.

[instrumental music]

So, how was your day, honey?

Well, I drove Bryan's carpool to school

stopped at the bank, picked up the dry cleaning.

Oh, they couldn't get that stain out of your sweater.

Took a yoga class and went to the market.

They had the most beautiful broccoli

but no one here eats it, so-

How was your day, Lauren?

Well, um, I-I'm still talking.

I'm sorry, baby. Go ahead. Go, go.

Blah, blah, blah.

Made dinner and here we are. Next.

This really great thing happened at school today.

They had an intervention and took Mr. Davenport

the trick teacher, off to rehab.

- How is that great? - Substitute teacher.

Par-tay.

Trent, anything happen in your world?

- Nothing! - A day when nothing happens.

- Hard to believe. - Sometimes you just get lucky.

- I have an archenemy. - What?

You know, that kid Jeremy Nooney?

Oh, the boy who won the science fair last year?

That's another thing he beats me at.

He beats me at everything.

He always gets his hand up first in class.

And not just, "Uh," like this. "Oh, oh, pick me!"

[chuckles]

If I get an A on a test, he gets an A+.

[chuckles] A+.

So extra.

And the worst thing is, when he found out I had a python

he got a white lipped python.

Well, this is all bordering on the interesting

but I have to go meet Nora at the movies, so.

- Uh, yes, you may be excused. - I'm-I'm going to the mall.

- Can I drive? - No, you just got your permit.

Don't let him drive.

Don't worry, my, uh, my seat doesn't go that far forward.

[clattering]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Uh-oh.

What that about?

- What? - That sigh.

Did I sigh?

[sighs] Yeah.

[sighs]

Okay. What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, maybe I'm just a-a little bored.

You know what?

I would really like to go out on a date.

Me, too, but I didn't think you'd let me.

No really, honey, I just, I miss spending time together.

I miss "Us" time.

Is this a sneaky way to get me to go see a chick flick?

Okay, you know what? Never mind.

Well, I was playing..

Honey, no, you know what? You're right.

You are right. Alright. Look, I got an idea.

Let's drop Bryan off at my mother's.

And we'll go for a walk without the dog.

- Oh! We'll go get ice cream. - Oh, I would love that.

- Are you being sarcastic? - Sadly enough, no.

[instrumental music]

- Bye, mom. - Hey, be back by 11:00 PM.

Yes, we know 11:00 PM.

Listen, call dad's cell

when you get there because we're going out.

Out?

For a walk, and ice cream with toppings.

I am so excited!

It's sad to be old.

[instrumental music]

Sorry, that so long..

Bill!

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Go back to sleep. - No, no, no, no, no.

Let me just get my pants and we'll go.

Look, w-why did you ask me to go out

if you really don't want to go?

- Well, 'cause you wanted to. - No, that-that is no good.

We both have to want to go.

Why? Where are my pants?

Bill, because that's what "Us" time is.

"Us" time is us both having fun.

Well, baby, we don't have to go out to have fun.

I mean, we got ice cream in the freezer.

- That's fun, right? - Right.

You mean that?

Well, you want me to mean it, so I do.

Isn't that satisfying?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Paul. How you doing? - Hey, Bill.

Hey, I don't want to interrupt this

but if you get a chance later on today

give me a call. I want to ask you about something.

That's okay. You boys can talk.

Wendy has to go potty.

- Uh, Bill, this is Wendy. - Hi.

Yeah, I'm trying this new online dating site.

The Lunch Connection.

- Not going that great, huh? - No, it's not.

That's the second time she told me she had to go potty.

[chuckles] Well, it looks like she made it out of the maze okay.

I had to help her.

- So, what's up, man? - Hey, listen.

You know what's going on in town.

I want to take Susan out on a great date.

Why? What'd you do?

I told her I'd take her out for ice cream

and then I fell asleep with my pants off.

Hm, so you wanted to do something

more exciting than that.

Well, it could be anything. Literally.

- Uh, does she like music? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Does she like death metal?

Because Slipknot is in town.

- No. - No?

Uh, 50 Cent? Probably not.

Um, oh, I got just a guy, Chris Isaac.

Oh, oh, oh, she loves him.

Cool. You know what, it might be sold out.

But I got a connection.

I am going to hook you up, my man.

- Sweet. - There you go.

Doctor, you have saved my life.

This is Ticketmaster.

I know. Here's the hot tip.

Press zero and it takes you right to the operator.

[instrumental music]

Hi.

Does this look like a deer?

Yeah, yeah.

The antlers are very realistic. Hey, sweetie, look.

I know you were disappointed about last night

and I want to make it up to you.

- I got you a present. - Oh!

What, so we can spy on the neighbors

and see how miserable their lives are?

[chuckles] Better.

We are going to a concert. Yeah, sold out.

I got the last two tickets in the balcony.

But with these, you'll be, like, right up front.

- Well, who? Who? - It's someone you love.

We are gonna see Mr. Chris Isaac.

- Oh. - Oh?

What kind of oh is that?

Uh, uh, "Thanks, but I don't want to go" oh.

- But you love him. - Uh, no, I don't.

You have all his albums.

Well, I don't listen to them that much.

"Heart Shaped Brew" is your cell phone ringtone.

I don't want to go!

Oh, oh, now I understand.

Understand what?

Uh, you know, just the edginess

the ice cream, the delusions of topiary grandeur.

I-I just forget, when you start acting, you know

like a loon, it's because it's around that time of the month.

Huh.

I am going to leave you alone now

to ponder the depths of your male stupidity.

Wha..

You just can't shut up, can you, Bill?

Honey!

Wait.

Honey, come on.

You knew I was an idiot when you married me.

It's not just that.

Bill, honey, there's something I need to tell you.

Okay, what?

Well, you know

how in college everyone does crazy, crazy things?

- Yeah. - Sit down.

I did something in college

that I haven't discussed with you for various reasons.

Have you been living underground

because you blew up a power plant?

I slept with Chris Isaac.

What?

- Just now? - No. Of course not, just no.

Uh, look, in college, he wasn't famous or anything.

That's what this is all about?

- Why didn't you just tell me? - I don't know..

I don't know. I thought it might bother you.

Why would it bother me? It's like 30 years ago.

More like 20.

- 25. - 24.

Okay. It doesn't bother me.

You look bothered right-right there.

I'm fine.

Besides, I slept with a famous person.

- Oh, really? - Who'd you sleep with?

- Julia Roberts. - Oh, get.. That's nuts.

Alright, Julie Roberts.

She's on a morning show in Amarillo.

Makeup girl.

But the point is, if she ever came through here

doing makeup, I'd have no problem taking you to see her.

Bill, it's not a big deal. We met in chemistry class.

Honey-honey, I don't need to know the details.

The past is the past. You had Chris Isaac.

I had Julia Roberts. Now, can we go see the concert?

No.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I had no idea when I suggested those tickets

it'd break up your marriage.

It's not breaking up my marriage.

Maybe not.

Are you sure you're not in denial?

- No, I'm not. - The very definition of denial.

- Guys, please. - Well, how do you feel, Bill?

Are you jealous? Are you angry?

- Are you worried? - No.

- Really? - Have you seen Chris Isaac?

He's just a guy.

Just cause he's famous doesn't make him any different.

Probably passes gas like everybody else.

[chuckles]

Probably worse.

Eating on the road takes its toll.

It just bothers me that she never mentioned it.

Well, you have to ask yourself why.

Well, either it means nothing to her or everything to her.

Well, which is more likely?

It's Chris Isaac, so everything.

She does have one of his songs as her ringtone.

Oh, that's trouble.

- You think? - Big time.

Look, there's only one way to resolve this.

You got a connection?

No. No.

But listen, you gotta get her to go to that concert.

'Cause the only way you're gonna know how she feels about him

is if you see him and her together.

In the flesh.

And you gotta make her believe

that you absolutely don't care about this.

Okay, I can-I can do that.

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

? I don't care that my wife ?

? slept with Chris Isaac ?

[instrumental music]

? No that don't bother me ?

Okay, I didn't sleep with him.

? Yes you did ?

[sighs] Yeah, I knew you'd be jealous.

This is exactly the reason I didn't tell you.

You just wish I was jealous

but I'm not, so let's go see him.

Ugh, you're not gonna let this go, are you?

Look, put it this way.

If you're not going because of me, then let's go.

But if you're not going because of you

then we have something to talk about.

Okay, fine, let's go.

Anything to stop you from playing that guitar again.

Okay, we got these seats up in the balcony right now

but since you know him and all, you could call him

and maybe see if we could get up front.

You want me to call him?

Would a jealous guy ask that?

Oh, God, he probably won't even remember me.

Maybe he won't. He probably won't.

You'd just be embarrassed.

Oh, he'll remember me.

[instrumental music]

Hey, kiddo. Have you heard from your mom lately?

She's still at the hair salon.

What's she doing, getting it done one strand at a time?

She's trying to look nice for the concert.

You're acting really weird, dad.

I'm just concerned for her safety.

You know, with their hair all poofed up and sprayed

one lighter at a curtain call, and poof!

Mommy's a human torch.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Are you excited, dad?

Oh, you bet! It's gonna be a blast.

Chris Isaac, are you kidding me?

[chatter on TV]

Okay. Ready?

- 'Whoa!' - Oh.

[chuckles]

Poof!

- Well, you like it? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You look so hot. - Oh, thanks.

Whoa! You're my mom?

[chuckles]

- Um, is that glitter? - That was my idea.

- Thanks. - Okay, dinner is in the oven.

And Lauren's in charge.

And you smell real good too, mom.

Thank you.

- Well, you do. - Alright, bye kids.

- Bye. Have a great time. - Rock out.

That's so sad.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Wow, second row center. I guess, he did remember you.

He always was very generous.

[instrumental music]

(announcer) 'Ladies and gentlemen'

'let's hear a big Denver welcome for Chris Isaac !'

[crowd cheering]

(Chris) 'Thank you. Good to be here.'

'This first song was inspired'

'by the girl who broke my heart in college.'

'This is for you, Susan Murray.'

It's Pearson now!

[vocalizing]

[knocking]

[thudding]

Did you guys hear that sound? Like, breaking glass?

Well, you just knocked my can collection over.

He's been working on it for a whole day.

No. No, guys, I think someone's breaking into the house.

There have been a lot of burglaries in the neighborhood

and they think it's this really violent gang

that slits your throat so you can't call for help.

[chuckles] Right, right, right. Look at her.

- She didn't hear anything. - Shhh. Listen.

[screaming]

[laughs]

- I got you both. - You did not.

[screaming]

[chuckles]

You are the worst babysitter ever.

[door opens]

[door closes

[yelling]

[rock music]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

So great. Wasn't that so great?

Yeah, that was great. Hey, listen.

Are you sure you wanna go back?

Hey, we can't not go back and tell him

how much we love the show after he got us those great seats.

- That would be rude. - I know, but he might be tired.

- I mean, I know I am. - Oh!

My thumb is killing me from holding that lighter down.

Uh, hi, I'm Susan Murray.

I was gonna say it. Pearson, uh, Susan Murray Pearson.

[rustling]

- Oh. - Yeah.

Yeah, and that's me, "and guest."

- Wow! - Look at this.

- Hey! - Oh!

Susie Q, come here, girl.

Oh, gosh, Chris, that was so great.

I can't believe you dedicated a song to me.

I couldn't have written it without you.

Oh.

Heard that tour food's hard on the colon.

Oh, uh, Chris, uh, this is my husband, Bill.

- Nice to meet you, Bill. - Nice to meet you.

Hey, Chris. Who smells good?

I'm Kenny Dell Johnson, the drummer.

- Susan. - She's taken.

Uh, I'll check out the food.

Uh, wow. Hey, great show, man. Uh, those seats were wow.

I mean, we could see the sweat on the old guitar strings.

Hey, I'm glad you made it down, Bill.

Let me tell you something.

You're one lucky, lucky, lucky man.

- Thank you. - No, I mean it.

What have you been up to?

- Well, I.. - Raising a family, you know.

- Three kids. - Oh.

- All mine. - Yeah. Beautiful.

Well, thank you. I played a part in that as well.

Hey, we got a whole bunch of food laid out backstage.

You want to come get something to eat?

Uh, thank you, but we- we really have to get going.

Just wanted to come back and say hi.

(both) You sure?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

Bye, Chris.

[sighs] Goodbye, Susie Q.

Mm.

Bye.

[thudding]

- Did you see me do that? - Uh, I think you're good.

[engine starting]

[honking]

[beeps]

- Nice guy. - Yeah, he is.

So, listen.

Now, when you saw him after all these years, and he..

...he hugged you like that.

Any regrets?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

[engine rumbling]

Not a one.

[exhales]

[keys jiggling]

Hey, I gotta ask you something.

You know that whole, "Baby did a bad, bad thing?"

- Mm. - What was the bad thing?

[chuckles] I will show you when we get home.

You know what, he's right. I am lucky.

I don't know what I'd do without you, baby.

Oh, I'm lucky, too.

Hey, do you remember when we first started going out

and we'd sit in my pickup in front of your apartment?

Hmm, yeah, why didn't we ever go up?

- Your crazy roommate, remember? - Oh, God!

- Yeah, with the patchouli. - Bernadette, yes!

The knife collection, the cats.

Ugh!

[laughs]

Yeah.

Boy, that was-that was some serious us time.

- Yes, it was. - Mm-hm.

You know, we're already starting to steam up the windows.

Mm-hmm.

[song over radio]

? Baby did a bad bad thing ?

? Baby did a bad ?

- Much better. - Mm.

[instrumental music]

[ending theme]

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