Original subtitles

[theme music]

(male host) "The Bill Engvall show" was

taped before live studio audience.

We used to do stuff together.

You know, hike, snowboard, rock climb.

Now all she wants to do sit around

and gripe about being tired.

[sighs]

Well, she obviously wasn't too tired to do some stuff.

Don used to say I was so hot

I could melt a glacier just by looking at it.

Yeah.

Come on, Don. Give her a hug. Tell her you love her.

Oh, muskrat. I love you.

- There you go. - Whoa.

The baby just kicked me.

[both laugh]

Yep, get used to that.

[Nate shouting]

Lydia, let me ask you, what do you feed Nate?

Just normal food, uh, Cocoa Puffs, jelly sandwiches

pudding cups, Soda Pop.

Is there some pill you can give him?

Alright. I'm gonna prescribe, uh, vegetables, fruits

braise, fish.

What if he demand his Cocoa Puffs?

Try telling him no.

Nate!

No marching with the Kleenex!

Thank you, young man.

I think this is a great place to start.

I tell you, you are worth every penny.

- Aw. - Oh.

See, he is a good boy.

- Ow! - Oh, he is a biter.

Oh, he's probably just hungry. Let me get you a treat.

Alright. Um, should we say, same time next week?

- Sure. - Great.

Isn't he the most wonderful family counselor you ever saw?

And he looks like Kevin Costner.

Mom, come in here.

You know, a couple of girls from my bowling league

are going in on a computer door.

And I just wanted to see what kind you have.

Mom. Mom, mom, mom.

What are you gonna do with a computer

besides call me and ask me why it's not working?

- Do you love me? - You know I love you.

Loan me 400 bucks.

What, that's my share.

Check's fine.

Alright, but I don't want you

and your bowling buddies taken off for Reno.

[chuckles] Oh, for heaven's sakes.

[car honks]

I'll be right down!

Menopause turned Roberta into a real bi-atch.

Thanks, Willy.

Oh, Goodbye, son, and have a good trip.

- I'm not going anywhere, mom. - Oh.

[knocking on door]

Mrs. P. Oh, from the back you look like a young babe.

Well, I know that's BS but I still love it, Bob.

Alright. Tell me what you buy.

Satin is your fabric, Edda.

- What's she gettin'? - A computer. God knows why.

She into porn?

She's a 68 year-old Methodist and my mother.

Which brings me to my next question.

Complimentary tickets to a gentlemen's club.

You know...I never understood those places.

Really? Let me explain it. Naked girls.

If you weren't my friend, I'd find you disgusting.

I feel exactly the same way. We have a bond.

Come on now. We'll just go, we'll just look.

Huh? They play Aerosmith.

[upbeat music]

[oven beeping]

[tray clatters]

[oven door opens]

[tray clattering]

[oven door slams]

[doorbell buzzing]

[microwave door opens]

[buttons clicking]

- Hey, baby. - Hey.

I think I have figured out something about

why kids are the way they are these days.

I am so relieved.

How was your day?

You would not believe what I had to deal with

while you were at your job.

I might. Try me.

Okay.

Trent came home with a progress report

from his English teacher.

He has got a five page Jane Austen paper due tomorrow.

Lauren rear-ended somebody. No one was hurt. Thank God.

Raffles freaked out and ran away

(Susan) 'when Bryan's snake got loose'

and I have to make five dozen cookies.

There's a snake loose in this house?

Yeah, apparently.

I never wanted Bryan to get that snake.

Me either. I didn't want it.

No, but good parents don't say no.

So kids jump on furniture, loose snakes, crash cars.

- It's a tyranny of children- - Honey, go get dressed.

We gotta be at the school by 6:30

for the parent-teacher thing.

Weren't we just at one of those?

Yeah, last year.

I think we owe it to the kids to show up. Change.

No, I'm fine in what I have on..

...if I was going, but I'm not going.

- Oh, you're going. - No, I'm not.

- You're going. You're going. - No, I'm not.

Alright, alright, alright.

You wanna argue about this

then let's argue naked.

[chuckles] What?

Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.

Bob is a pervert.

I know that.

But I think it's worth a shot.

Fine. Okay, sure, anything to move it along.

- Yeah. - So..

You're going.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop, chop.

Nope. I'm standing firm.

Yeah, not bad for 45. Blue shirt.

[knocking] Hey, mom!

[screaming]

[groaning]

[door shuts]

Daddy and I were just arguing.

(Lauren) 'We haven't even had dinner yet.'

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

- So, Lauren. - Yes, dad?

Your mother tells me you were in a fender bender.

Honey.

Why don't you tell your dad about that

and stop thinking about us being naked?

Yeah, let's focus on the image of cars slamming together.

It wasn't my fault.

Sweetheart, I love you more than air.

But if you rear-ended someone, it's your fault.

I was just driving along and all of a sudden

some idiot in front of me stops!

What can I do?

At any point, did you notice red lights lighting up

on the car ahead of you?

No.

Well, there you go.

You gotta look out for those things.

- I know but- - Don't!

You can discuss this all night after we get back from school.

Tell the boys dinner's ready.

Trent, Brian, dinner!

Go!

[instrumental music]

[lively music]

Hey, Trent.

[keys clicking]

- Hey. - What's up, pop?

Dinner's on the table.

Be down in a minute.

Don't you have a big English paper due tomorrow?

Nah, it's just 8 & 1/2 by 11.

I heard the Marines are looking for a few good comedians.

Right on.

- Hey, dad? - Yeah?

Why are we eating early?

Ah, mom and I gotta go to this school thing. Hey.

How come you're not out finding that viper of yours?

She's not a viper, she's a constrictor.

Pythons don't really bite. They crush their prey.

Normally nothing larger than a wombat, so you're safe, dad.

I don't care if it doesn't bite and is on Jenny Craig.

Find it.

Yes, sir.

I thought it was important to print

some lost dog posters for Raffles.

A $1000 reward?

Too much, too little?

Come on, dinner's getting cold.

Let's go, Trent.

[screeching]

[instrumental music]

Trent, would you like to say grace, please?

Alright, let's bow our heads.

[clears throat]

Good bread, good meat.

Why do you continue to think that that's funny?

Good God, let's eat.

No. No.

Bryan, please.

Dear God, assuming you actually exist.

Please, don't let our vegetables

be genetically altered-

Thank you..

...Lord, for the food which we are about to quickly eat. Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Mm. This dinner's really good.

It's awesome, mom.

You know what would be really awesome?

If Muslims and Jews decided to be best friends.

Not my first thought, but yeah, right on.

That'd be sweet.

You know what would also be sweet?

If the three of you would do up

the dishes and finish your homework.

Lauren, you're in charge.

You know what to do, so do it.

Yeah, especially the..

[hissing] Comprende?

Si.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Your homemade are still the best.

- Hey, what's this? - Hell if I know.

You see, you see? That's what I'm talking about.

A few well placed knows

would keep that kid from showing up on cops.

Oh, he's just a little boy.

Oh, look, there's Trent's teacher.

The one who gave him the progress report?

No, the one who nominated him

for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

Let's go introduce ourselves. Mr. Pratt.

Just wanted to stop by and say hi.

Our son Trent's in your English class.

- Ah, the Pearsons. - Yeah!

Uh, I just want to thank you for your concern

about Trent's progress.

I-I think he got the message loud and clear.

Yeah, he's working hard to bring his grade up. He'll do it.

Forgive my bluntness, but have you ever had him tested?

For-for what?

Is there a history

of attention deficit disorder in the family?

If you don't count my mom, no.

Mr. Pratt, Trent just turned 15.

I don't think it's ADD as much as immaturity.

Yeah, heck, you were 15 not that long ago.

Do you enjoy reading Jane Austen?

I adore all her works.

Well, that's just gay.

I'm-I'm sorry. I just meant to think that.

I'm gonna go find a seat. Excuse me.

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You ever thought about having him read

some interesting literature?

No, I'm not saying Stephen King.

Let's go find a seat, sweetheart, dear.

Hang on, hang on, babe. Just wait.

I think kids could get off on, say, James Joyce.

- Did you read "Ulysses?" - Yes.

I said, yes, I will. Yes.

[chuckles]

Well, you should, because it's awesome.

And if there's any learning issues

with Trent, we'll handle them, okay?

[chuckles] Okay.

- How'd it come off? - Presidential.

[instrumental music]

You know, you don't think you should do something?

Smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?

No, guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece and move on.

Guys, keeping the world mellow.

Snake! Snake!

Bryan, get out here!

[footsteps thudding]

- Where is your snake? - In its terrarium.

I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?

Sure, why not?

Because I thought I saw something.

Maybe you're getting a migraine.

Those can be preceded by hallucinations.

Goodnight, dad.

Did Trent work on his paper at all?

He claims he finished it.

Are you planning to read it over before he hands it in?

If he wants me to.

And if he doesn't want me to.

- He needs an A on it. - I know.

- Make sure it makes sense. - Okay.

Don't let him manipulate you.

[chuckles] Alright!

[rustling]

Why did you guys choose to have other children after me?

'Cause we were young and stupid.

I told dad I caught my snake. So back me up, okay?

Right on.

[door opens]

- Hey. - Hey.

Word on the street is you finished your paper.

Yeah, and Bryan caught the snake.

He grabbed it by the tail and put it in the-the thing.

- Really? - No, it's still loose.

Way to stay in the course, Trent.

Bryan, if I run into that snake

he's gonna be wearing a shovel for a hat.

Go.

Trent, let me see your paper.

[sighs]

[rustling]

I thought it was supposed to be five pages.

Well, yeah, typewritten, double spaced.

Mr. Pratt, said we could hand write it if we wanted

and I figure one handwritten equals two typewritten

so it's about five.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You have got a lot of work to do.

I know.

I was waiting for you to read it over

and give me some input.

No, you weren't.

You were gonna turn that in, weren't you?

- No. - Really?

Yeah.

Son, this is your job. You have to do this.

Look, I know you're tired and you're busy

and everything, but I could really use your help, dad.

Yeah, alright.

I'll just get you started.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

Yeah.

Bill.. Man, you look bad.

Well, I barely slept last night.

I had nine cups of coffee and half a Red Bull.

Jones in for a buzz?

No, I was working with Trent on his English paper.

Hang on.

Bill Pearson.

Oh, hi, Trent.

What?

I don't believe that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I believe you.

Alright, alright, just stay calm.

I'll talk to Mr. Pratt.

Alright, I love you too. Bye-bye.

Uh, this English teacher Trent's got is a real pompous ass.

He gave his paper an F.

Wow! That paper must have sucked.

It deserved an A. Trust me.

I punctured this guy's ego at the parent teacher thing

and now this is how he's getting even.

Okay. How about this?

I hold him and you punch him until he raises the grade

or goes lights out in London.

You know, as much fun as that sounds

I'm going to drive over

and talk to this guy by myself, Bob.

Oh, can you give me a lift?

My car won't start.

Your brand new $62,000 Corvette?

$72,000 with custom paint.

And it would be running perfectly

except I filled it with diesel.

I was distracted.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bob.

Would you wait in the car?

Alright.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Oh, hey. I'm glad I caught you.

Ah, Mr. Pearson.

Did you drop by to suggest some more books for me to read?

Did you bring me some Danielle Steel?

Okay! Maybe we did get started off on the wrong foot.

But what's happening here is unfair.

I think we can agree on that.

- How so? - Trent's paper.

You and I both know that deserved

a better grade than that.

Much better. We're talking A.

Bob?

Friend, car wouldn't start.

Vet, diesel.

Back to Trent's paper.

Mr. Pearson, at this school

plagiarism is punishable by a failing grade.

Plagiarism?

Using another person's words

thoughts, or ideas in representation of-

I know what it is. I'm a podiatrist.

Mr. Pratt, I swear to you, Trent did not copy that paper.

It doesn't matter if the source is a book

magazine, internet, or a parent.

Oh, come on. Every parent helps their kids.

Alright, if you can look me in the face and tell me Trent

wrote even half of that paper himself, I'll change the grade.

Mr. Pratt, please don't punish my boy for my mistake.

There's nothing I can do.

"Yes. I said, yes, I will. Yes."

Finally, hit me that's the last line of Joyce's novel Ulysses.

(Bill) 'I mean, you did it better than I did'

because you truly love it.

You're a teacher.

Flattery's not gonna get it, Mr. Pearson.

The whole thing Molly Bloom says is about forgiveness.

It's about saying yes. Come on, Mr. Pratt.

There's gotta be something we can do to work this out.

[sighs]

This is more intense than deal or no deal.

[rock music]

I say, I thought we ought to have this conversation out here

because it's really ain't a family matter.

Alright, I was only holding it for Alex, I never opened it.

[crickets chirping]

What are you holding, son?

You didn't go through my drawers?

- No. - No.

Oh, so what's up?

What-what's in your drawer, Trent?

- Tell me it's not drugs. - It's a Playboy.

- Oh, good boy. Good boy. - Oh, not good, not good.

No. Playboy betrays women as mindless sex objects.

It's better than drugs, though, honey.

I don't care, I don't want him to do it.

- Can I go now? - Wait, no.

Look, man, I talked to Mr. Pratt, about your paper.

Oh, great! You got my grade raised?

Yeah. Let-let your dad finish.

The reason he gave it an F

was because he judged it to be plagiarism.

God, dad, did you copy it out of a book or something?

No, honey, your dad did your work

and you put your name on it.

In a way, we're all responsible, some of us more than others.

I can't believe I'm getting an F.

I never got an F in my life.

Honey, your dad talked to Mr. Pratt-

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

- Yeah? - I'll tell him.

- Okay. - I went to his school.

Look, Trent, you can raise your grade

with whatever you earn on the next paper

you're going to write by yourself.

Honey, second chances don't come often in life.

Yeah, Mr. Pratt's being a good guy here.

Wait, I gotta write another paper?

Nothing gets by you, boy.

[rock music]

We have got to be more strict.

We've got to feel free to say no

and they're not going to hate us for setting boundaries.

No, they will. They'll hate us.

But who cares?

[chuckles] That's why I love you, baby.

You keep me in touch with what's real.

- This is what's real. - Mm-hm.

Am I aiming this thing right?

What is that? Your fanny?

Sure is bigger than when I used to slather A&D ointment on it.

You had a rash, made you look like a little baboon.

[laughing]

Oh, mom, I-I'm loosing you

I think your computer's rebooting.

(Edda) 'My what?'

Here we are again.

[knocking]

Hey, guess who's back?

- Hey, Raffles! - Oh!

And this will make you happy, dad.

- I caught my snake. - Way to go.

It could barely move after it ate the neighbor's cat.

I never liked that cat.

[chuckles] Oh, okay.

Why don't you guys, uh, go brush

or disinfect Raffles or something?

[claps] Vamoose.

Come on. Come on, Raffles.

You guys are gonna start arguing, aren't you?

Ugh!

[door closes]

You wanna make another couple of those?

Absolutely not.

[ending theme]

Well, let's just practice.

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