All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s01e04 Have You Seen My Muffins, Man.eng

[theme music]

(male narrator) "The Bill Engvall Show" is taped

before a live studio audience.

(Martin) And another thing
I can't believe are the jerks

that go to the movies these days.

Maybe we should talk about something else.

No, we came here to complain, didn't we?

Okay, continue.

A hassle with traffic and parking and crowds

all so I can get jammed
in the kidneys for two hours.

You didn't have to confront him.

He wouldn't stop kicking the back of my seat.

He was three years old.

You couldn't just change seats?

And let him win?

Okay, you know what, instead
of viewing these hassles

as reasons to get mad, try looking at them

as ways to practice patience.
Okay, let's start small.

Maybe you don't push the elevator button

over and over if it's already been pressed.

He does that. You do that!

Pushing that button doesn't make that elevator

come any quicker, Martin.

Alright, look, we're about out of time here.

Just remember, if you roll with things

life can be a lot more fun.

- Yeah. - I'll see you next week.

- Thanks, doc. - Bye-bye.

Hey, buddy, you ready for lunch?

- Yeah, almost. - Great.

That guy looks familiar. Wait a second.

That's the guy that was peeking
on my nephew at the movies.

No!

Well, we're not at the movies now, punk!

Take the stairs, Martin!

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey, honey.

How was your new therapy group?

I wish I had never started it.

Crazy, lonely people will talk forever.

Hey, mom. Can you wash
these for me, for tomorrow?

Honey, it's almost 11:00.
Can't you wear something else?

But I like these.

You know what I haven't seen you in lately?

Those little cute prairie skirts.

That's because I don't have
to run to a well in the morning

to fetch our water.

Alright, leave them, I'll do them in the morning.

Thanks, mom. And can you do this too?

On delicate?

Yes, you are, dear.

- Alright. - 'Susan, where's the aspirin?'

In the medicine cabinet!

Where in the medicine cabinet?

(Susan) 'On one of the two shelves, Bill.'

- Here you go. - Mm, thanks.

But I didn't ask you to find it for me

I just wanted you to tell me where it was.

Trust me, this way is quicker.

Hey, babe, what is all this stuff?

Well, it's fillers, smoothers

creams, lotions, potions, salves.

Huh?

Spackle, Bondo, paint.

Ah!

Look at the size of this thing.

I mean, there's not a shell casing

worth of lotion in this thing.

"$67?" For real?

[sighs] It's eye serum. It's from France.

Boy, they saw you coming.

- Does it work? - Does what work?

I'm just saying, $67 is a lot of money

for something that maybe doesn't work.

But I can see clearly that it does.

First of all, you have no idea what things cost

and second of all, you didn't pay for it.

Well, what'd you do? Win it in a contest?

I have a little money saved
up from when I was a nurse

and I use that to buy things

when I don't want to pay for
it out of the money you give me.

You-you have money saved
from when you were a nurse?

- Mm. - Where?

In my account, at the bank.

You have a separate account
that I never knew about.

Well, for extras, like-like your birthday gifts

like-like your golf clubs.

I thought when we got married
we pooled it all together.

We did, we did.

Most of it.

Oh, but you just saved some aside.

So, you could escape when things didn't work out?

[chuckles] Don't be silly.

No, I just.. It's just,
it's just to have Susan money.

Like-like, for manicures or shoes.

Maybe a fake passport.

Well, I make enough money
that you can buy whatever you want.

I mean, we're in this together.

Honey, when I met you I was a working woman.

I had a certain degree of independence

autonomy, if you will.

And a part of me wanted to retain that.

And-and not feel indebted to you, or owned by you

like-like, an indentured servant, per se.

Per se?

Where are you going?

Do we have anything stronger
than aspirin, per se?

[instrumental music]

- Hey, making my sandwich? - Turkey, right?

Yeah, but instead of mayo,
could I have Miracle Whip?

Sure.

Yeah.

And, uh, lettuce on both sides.

On both sides. Okay.

- And no, no, no tomatoes. - 86 tomatoes.

And three slices of turkey, not just two.

- You want to make it yourself?
- No, I like how you do it.

Ah, don't use that milk. I think it's bad.

Hey, Lauren, smell this.

[groans] Hey, Bryan, smell this.

[groans]

- Hey, dad! - Alright, give me that.

- Hey, Bill! - Hm?

- Smell this. - Ugh!

Alright, guys, come on, hurry up and eat

you're gonna be late for school.

Did you make your muffins today, mom?

- Yes, blueberry. - Yeah, my favorite.

Hey, look at here, my day hadn't even started

I've already made $600.

- That's for last night. - Oh, come on!

We're eating.

I thought about what you said,
and I want you to have that.

It's the rest of my nursing money.

Oh, no, honey. Keep this for your spending money.

No, I don't need it. I'm going back to work.

- You're getting a job? - On purpose?

What brought this about?

Was it 'cause I made fun
of your little jar of eye goop?

[chuckles] After our conversation,
I thought about it

and I think it would make me happy

to earn some of my own spending money again.

You don't give her any spending money?

Mom, what's in this for you?

Honey, if you want your own spending money..

...problem solved.

No, no, I think I'd like to earn my own money

on a regular basis, like-like with a job.

Oh. Good for you.

- Good for you. Look at us. - Yeah.

You earning money, me earning money.

Modern two-income family.

So, what are you going to do? Go back to nursing?

Uh, nothing like that.
I'd like to try something new.

- I don't know what. - Okay.

We need to think of something that mom is good at

that people will pay her for.

Wait. What are we doing?

Oh, I know! What about your muffins, mom?

- You could sell them.
- You think so? My muffins?

Yeah, honey, why don't you sell your muffins?

Does this mean we're gonna
have to move to Drury Lane?

Does no one read the classics?

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Bill. - Hey.

You doing anything later?

You wanna go buy a boat, go halfsies?

What do you wanna buy a boat for?

Well, according to my research

a boat is a popular location
for girls to go wild.

- I think I'm gonna pass. - Oh, okay, I get it.

- Money problems, huh? - No.

- Why? What have you heard? - Nothing.

But it looks like I struck a nerve.

Paul, did your ex-wife work?

Yeah, yeah. She was a magician.

She made my money disappear.

Is everything a joke to you today?

Yeah, pretty much.

So, what's the problem, buddy?

Well, Susan wants to go to work selling muffins.

Mm. So, you are having money problems?

No, I'm not having money problems.

She says she wants to do this for her.

Hmm. And how do you feel about that?

I feel a little uneasy.

Yeah, well, you should, because you're a man.

And we are genetically
pre-disposed to be providers.

And now your wife is going
door to door peddling her muffins.

And it is freaking you out.

I'm not freaking out.

Aren't you, Bill?

Aren't you?

- Well, maybe a little. - Mm-hmm.

So, what'd you say to her?

Oh, I said, "Sure, I'd support
you in whatever you want to do."

Good, good. Chicks dig that.

"You're as beautiful today as you were

on the day I married you,
" they like that one, too.

You know, buddy, one of
these days, women are gonna

figure out how to do all this without us.

And you know where that puts us?

On our new boat.

[imitates a foghorn blaring]

[instrumental music]

Well, I was gonna get it
cut, but if you like it long-

- Wanna play outside? - Dude!

I'm on the phone with a girl.

I'm gonna blow something up.

I gotta go.

So, what is all this stuff?

Rocket parts.

I'm gonna crush Jeremy Nooney

at the school science fair this year.

I thought you guys were friends now.

Friendship be damned!

I want that blue ribbon, Trent!

Okay.

Hey, you got a little froth
on the corners of your mouth, man.

Anyway, this year, I'm
building a prototype rocket

with the ultimate goal of
sending Priscilla into space.

Well, have you told Priscilla yet?

She won't mind. Snakes will try anything once.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I got blueberry, banana

walnut and chocolate chip, all set.

I just hope somebody buys them.

Wait a second, mom.

What?

Is, is that necessary?

You wanna move the product, don't you?

I don't even want to know how you know that.

And here's a list of
places you could try selling.

Like the mall, the taco stand, bowling alley.

Really any place where fat people gather.

Thanks, Trent.

So, uh, so you really wanna do this?

Because it's fine by me
if that's what you want to do.

Oh, you're the best.

Would you mind fixing
the kids their school lunches

cleaning the breakfast dishes

and putting the clothes in the dryer?

Alright, everybody, wish me luck.

- Good luck. Have fun. - Good luck!

- Bye. - Oh, and, mom..

If you have any trouble just talk to the teacher.

It's what you always tell
me on my first day of school.

Doesn't really help, does it?

- Not so far. - Ah.

Okay, alright, lunch. Lunches, lunches.

What do you guys want for your school lunch?

Oh, Veal Parmesan.

Okay, something in a sandwich?

What, are we out of bread?

- I want a meatloaf sandwich.
- I want something with sprouts.

How about everybody gets ten bucks?

Now, I'm gonna need your help.

I need you to clear the table

put your dishes in the dishwasher

and everybody's responsible for your own crumbs.

It's time for us to shoulder
a little more responsibility here.

Said the father to himself.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Bill, why don't you
let me buy you lunch today?

I'm fine, Paul, really.

Okay, well look, if you
don't want word to get around

that your wife has got
to pick up the financial slack

you gotta get better shoes.

What are you talking about?
I've only had these for six months.

Yeah, what about the guy who owned them before?

How long did he have them?

And by the way, how is word just getting around?

I vlogged.

Bill! How are you?

Face it, Bill, you reek of poverty.

I'm fine, Barbara. I'll
have an egg salad, please.

And why don't you take an
extra bag of chips for the boy?

- What? - How's tiny Bryan?

Is he growing at all?

What, are you turning my
life into a "Christmas Carol?"

I love that movie.

What's that?

Susan?

- Oh, hi! - What's going on?

I came to say hi, and while
I was waiting for the elevator

somebody asked me if these muffins were for sale

and before I knew it, I
sold 40 muffins in 15 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, I'm averaging
about 300 bucks an hour.

Excuse me, are you the woman selling her muffins?

- Uh, is-is there a problem? - I'm Mr. Levinson..

- The building manager.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Levinson.

She just came by to see me
and things kind of got out of hand.

No, we were just wondering

if she'd like to come back tomorrow.

- Really? - Yes.

- You're a hit. - Oh!

Did you hear that? I'm a hit.

God bless us, everyone.

[instrumental music]

Alright.

There. Broccoli and pizza.
Perfectly balanced meal.

Let's eat.

Okay, how come nobody's eating?

Dad, my pizza's burnt.

My pizza's frozen.

[groans]

[humming]

There, everybody happy?

I like how mom puts cheese on the broccoli.

Well then, you know what,
you guys need to tell her

that you miss her and you want her back.

And that you don't want her working anymore.

Have you told her that? Hmm? Have you told her?

We miss her, but we want
her to do what makes her happy.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Of course, we do.

But would it kill you guys
to tell her you wanted her home?

When is she coming home anyway?

She writes me notes to get me out of P.E.

unlike some parents who aren't mom.

Okay, Trent.

Mom will be home tonight
when she fills her muffin quota.

Success breeds longer hours.

How come you're never working late, dad?

[Lauren snorts]

If we're all done here, let's
chip in and clear the table.

Fifth night in a row.

Not getting old at all.

[instrumental music]

- Susan? - Where are my walnuts?

Sweetheart, have you been down here all night?

Let me see.. Is that a.m. or p.m.?

It's a.m. Honey, is this really worth it?

- What's that supposed to
mean? - Well, you haven't slept.

The kitchen looks like Mrs. Fields exploded.

And for the last four nights, we've been eating

broken, burnt and misshapen muffins for dinner.

Can't you just be supportive?

I am trying to be supportive.

Then help me find my walnuts!

Susan, I think you've lost 'em completely.

Trent..

Are you eating my walnuts?

They're, um, they're good, mom.

Well..

Have you seen my chocolate chips?

Sorry about the lint.

Okay, Trent, lift off at 09:30 a.m.

- What? - 9:30.

Why didn't you just say that?

Did the 'O' throw ya?

Do you have Priscilla in there?

Nope, this is an unmanned flight.

Maybe we can just grab her by the tail

and wing her up in the air and see what happens.

That's not science.

It's what us normal people call fun, mon fr�re.

Okay.

Begin final countdown at T-minus five-

- Let me do it, I'm older. - No, hey, it's mine!

Mom, something's wrong with the washer.

My white shirt turned pink.

- Hey, it's mine! - No, come on.

[thudding]

Oh-oh!

Tell me I didn't just hallucinate that.

Awesome!

[phone ringing]

Hello? Yeah, just a minute.

Mom, it's for you. He says it's important.

Go punish your brothers. Hello?

Uh, did you guys just
see a rocket come through here?

- Hey. - Hey, hon.

Did you just hear a funny noise outside?

Yeah, our boys just shot
a rocket through the living room.

- What? - Um, Mr. Levinson just called.

- Uh, your building manager?
- Yeah, what'd he want?

More. More. He-he-he wants more.

And-and not just muffins.

He wants me to have my own bakery kiosk.

In all four of his buildings.

- Great! - Yeah.

Look at you, an independent working woman again.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Oh, really, Bill, are you?

Because I, I am so proud of me.

I have totally exceeded
every one of my expectations.

I just, I never dreamed
it would happen like this.

Yeah, me either.

You, out earnin' a living,
me, taking care of the family.

Ha! It's awesome.

I know. And you know,
what's really funny about it?

- Please tell me. - I
don't want to do it anymore.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

Honey, if you really didn't want me to do it

why didn't you say something?

Because I'm supposed to be supportive of you.

- Chicks dig that. - Oh.

You were threatened, weren't you?

- Oh, come on. - Um, uh, uh.

I hate that you know me so well.

Are you sure you wanna do this?
Give up on the muffin business?

Yeah, just, it wasn't that fulfilling.

I'll tell you what I did like, though.

I really liked earning my own money.

So, you could buy that fancy eye goop?

No, no, no. It's not about the eye goop.

- I know. It's just.. - Yeah.

What else is it about?

I just want to know that I can do something

you know, in the world.

- Like, what? - I don't know.

- You want to talk about it? - No, no.

- I mean I could- - No.

- How about if I- - No.

- So, I should just- - Yeah!

- Okay then. - Mm.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey. What's going on?

Uh, we happen to have a job opening

here at the Pearson Corporation.

We are interviewing candidates for the position

of Susan Pearson.

And what might your name be, young lady?

Stop it, Bill.

Oh, that is not on our list.

Fine, I-I'll play along.

I am Susan Pearson.

- Well, that gives you an edge. - Mm.

Sit down, please.

First of all, we have to know if you're willing

to submit to a drug test.

[Bill chuckles]

Trent.

Let me tell you a little
about what the job entails.

We're looking for someone who can do laundry

and make the colors come
out the same as they went in.

Someone who can make a tasty turkey sandwich

and put a note in the lunch bag saying

"Dear P.E. teacher, please excuse Trent.

He has a staph infection."

Oh.

Someone who will help
me clean out my snake terrarium

without squealing like a girl, dad.

And most important, someone
who will be a companion

a friend and a lover.

[all groan]

And, uh, what-what does this position pay?

Well, we did the math..

...and for all you do around this place..

...there is absolutely no way we can afford you.

So, basically we're just begging.

[chuckles]

Okay, I'll take the job.

Where do I sign?

- Right here. - Aw..

How do they do that?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Wow, Susan, you were right.

This stuff is amazing.

I am totally hydrated.

I don't want to tell you how
much what you're soaking costs.

But it's about 154 chocolate chip muffins.

- Mm! Well, be careful. - Mm-hm.

This gets slippery. Come on, come on.

No, no, no, no, no! These are dry-cleaned..

Oh!

[instrumental music]

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