Original subtitles

[theme music]

(male narrator) "The Bill Engvall Show" is taped

before a live studio audience.

I just called Paul. He's on his way over with the tickets.

Oh, this is the most awesome anniversary gift ever.

Eighteen magical years.

Monday night football!

Denver, Kansas City, you and me on the 50 yard line.

Oh, my gosh. After tonight, I could die a happy man.

Oh, so your anniversary gift to me is leaving me a widow?

Well, I could make a call, bump up the life insurance policy.

And my gift was nice, too, huh?

Oh, honey, I'm so looking forward

to my spa getaway weekend.

(Bill) 'Hey, if sitting in a tub of mud with cucumbers on your eyes'

makes you happy, I'm happy.

You think the neighbors will miss this?

- What is it? - It's a fence.

It goes with my 'D,' see?

'D.' Fence. 'D.' Fence.

What do you think?

I think I regret getting two tickets next to each other.

So, what'd you get for number eight?

Yeah, yeah, me too.

And number nine?

Me, too.

How about number ten?

Man, are we on fire or what?

Don't you feel guilty?

If I had to solve all these math problems myself

I wouldn't have time to do my history.

Oh, that reminds me, I gotta call John later.

He's smart in weird ways.

(Susan) Hey, guys.

I gotta go. Something ridiculous is happening.

(Susan) Has Paul come by to drop off the tickets?

No. He called to say he's gonna be late. He's lost.

Lost? He's been to our house a hundred times.

He got some new GPS navigation thing he's trying to shortcut.

Technology can be a cruel mistress.

I hope we make it for the national anthem.

What? It's Ashley Simpson!

The fact that you don't know that's embarrassing

is embarrassing.

While you're waiting, I have to do a history paper

on how people met before the internet.

Can you tell me how you and dad met?

Well, your mother's family just moved into the cave next door.

Oh!

I was hunting, she was gathering..

Let me spare you the agony.

Mom was a nurse, dad came into the ER.

Bad jokes, bad hair, bad clothing choices.

Happily ever after.

Let me tell the story.

Uh, I respectfully request not to be subjected-

Uh, uh, uh, sit back down.

I gave life to you, remember?

Well, as I recall, I was an easy delivery.

Not like Watermelon Mick C-section here.

Oh, oh, I got it, I got it, I got it.

[phone ringing] Hello.

(Paul) Hey, man, you haven't done any serious remodeling

to your house, have you?

Because I'm at 4321 Baker and this is not your house.

- Paul, what's going on? - Look..

I know how to get to your house

but Veronica suggested a different way.

Who's Veronica?

My GPS system.

Oh. Ho-ho-ho!

I see what she did.

This is 4321 Baker Court. You're at 4321 Baker Street.

- Well, how far away are you? - Hold on.

(Veronica) 'New destination 7. 4 miles for 15 minutes.'

You're killing me here! We're gonna miss the kickoff!

Look, just get over here with those tickets.

I don't care if you gotta throw Veronica out the window.

Uh, she's right here, Bill.

- What's going on? - Oh, Paul's being an idiot.

Says the man wearing a horse on his head.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Bill, Bill, Paul will be here in ten minutes.

We'll easily be there before the kickoff.

Come on, let's sit down and tell the story of how we met.

- It'll be fun. - That sounds great!

And after we can watch your wedding video.

Watch your sarcasm, young lady.

- I wasn't being sarcastic. - Oh!

I'm just kidding, I was totally being sarcastic.

- Come on, let's tell the story. - Alright, it's pretty simple.

I broke my ribs and your mother was working as a nurse in the ER

which I think goes to show the lengths

that I went to just to meet her.

Oh, please, I was the last thing on your mind.

The night your father came into the ER

he was actually seeing someone else.

- Oh. - Oh!

Funny story.

["Faith" by George Michael]

? Well I guess it would be nice ?

? If I could touch your body ?

? I know not everybody has got a body like you ?

? Oh but I gotta think twice ?

? Before I give my heart away.. ??

- Hey! - Hey!

- Did you hear the good news? - What?

They got Baby Jessica out of that well.

Oh, thank God.

- Right? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey. So, I brought a bottle of wine for you and Hillary.

Oh, cool man. How much do I owe you?

- Four dollars. - Wow. You got the good stuff.

Yeah. So, uh, what do you guys celebrating?

Oh, it's our one year anniversary.

I got some romantic music on tape.

I got some Jell-O shots in the freezer..

And after dinner, I'm giving her this.

It's got a diamond.

- Where? - Right there.

Oh.

Hey, this is one of those promise necklaces.

Things are getting pretty serious

between you and this Hillary.

I don't get serious about nobody.

I'm still in grad school.

But she really wanted it, so I got it for her.

Wow. I really gotta do something about this.

I'm 25.

Sorry, man, I can't relate.

I'm like a lion up here.

Yeah, I know.

Business in the front, party in the back.

[chuckles]

Hey, why don't you go to one of those hair restoration places?

Please. I'm gonna be a doctor. I got my dignity.

Anyways, I gotta run, me and this, uh, girl that I'm dating

we're going to see this movie called "Fatal Attraction."

She says it could teach me a few things.

[chuckles] Sounds kinda sexy.

- Yeah, that's right. - Yeah!

- Come on, man. - I'll see you later.

- Be cool, man. - Alright.

? If I could touch your body ?

? I know not everybody has got a body like you oh! ??

[groaning]

God!

DJ Hooker, that hurts.

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

Which did you break?

The vertebrochondral or the vertebrosternal?

Like, he's gonna know what type of coffee table it was.

Wow, dad, that must have really hurt.

Yeah, a little bit. But I took it like a man.

Oh, really? That's not exactly how I remember it.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Leonard, what have I done?

[knock on door]

Hope this doesn't end my rugby career.

Hurt yourself playing rugby, did you?

It says on your chart you fell on a coffee table.

That's our Native American linebacker.

John Coffee Table.

- Doctor'll be in shortly. - And don't call me Shortly.

See, you said he'll be in shortly.

Like, you were saying, "He'll be in, Shortly."

Like, you thought my name was...Shortly.

Uh, I believe the joke is, "Don't call me Shortly."

Yeah. That works better.

Mm!

- I'm Bill. - I know.

I'm Susan.

Nice to meet you, Susan.

Uh, it'd be a lot easier to take your blood pressure, Bill..

[chuckles] ...if you stopped flexing.

I'm sorry, was I flexing?

[chuckles]

Easy, easy, right there, right there, easy.

Okay. Is the tape too tight?

No, it's good. It's slimming.

I work out, though.

Uh, the doctor gave you a prescription for the pain.

Without it, I doubt you'd make it

through the next couple weeks.

Rugby background notwithstanding.

Wait. Who do I call if I have a relapse or whatever?

Uh, doctor's number's right on there.

Yeah, but what if my ribs start hurting and..

...you need a dinner out or something?

Here's my number.

You saying I should take these digits

and call you in the morning?

Don't make me take that back.

Yes! Oh!

Michael Dukakis, that hurts.

[instrumental music]

So, it was love at first sight?

Yeah, something like that.

So, what happened to that necklace girl?

Well, obviously they broke up, otherwise we wouldn't exist.

So, you broke up with her that night?

Well, not that night, you gotta remember, I was in a lot of pain

so someone had to take care of me for a few days.

So, you let Hillary take care of you

and then you just dumped her? Nice, dad.

I didn't just dump her right then. I'm not cruel.

So-so, how long were you "Not cruel?"

Not long. Shortish bit.

Oh, sure, sure. But just for fun. How long?

Well, it was practically Christmas, so, you know..

Well, you can't break up with a girl right before Christmas.

- Thank you. - W-what, by New Year's then?

Yeah, some time in January.

- Where's Paul? - January?

Well, yeah, but she always had a lot of stuff going on.

You know, there was an ice storm, her car broke down.

She had this sick cat that just wouldn't die.

- Then you broke up with her? - Yes!

Right after St. Patrick's Day.

You've got to be kidding me!

What? She was Irish!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Wow, two girls at once?

Dad was a player!

- Way to go, pops. - Not the time, Trent.

Don't even think about it!

Wow! So, you were dating two women for 123 days?

Thanks, this needed that.

It's fine. I, psh.. I understand completely.

It happened so long ago, there's..

It's no reason to make a big thing out of it now.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

- So, we're good? - Yeah, we're good.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Great. - Super.

- Fantastic. - Perfect.

Okay, so we're at the part where you and mom have met

and you're living a secret life.

You know, how we're not supposed to pick favorites?

- Right now, you're in third. - Hey, guys. What's up?

Way to be on time, Johnny-on-the-spot.

Whoa, what's with the tone?

Mom just found out dad was dating another woman

while he was dating her.

Whoa! That's out?

Oh, that secret has been eating me alive for the past 20 years.

What did I tell you, Bill? I told you she would find out.

And now here we are.

We also learned that your hair is fake.

Whoa! You get backed into a corner

and your defense mechanism is to tell my secrets?

Thanks!

And by the way, just for your information, this is real.

Go ahead, give it a yank.

You're supposed to take my word for it.

What's his deal?

What is going on?

I'm organizing my closet.

Well, no rush, but Paul just got here with the tickets.

No, Bill, don't even start with me with the game.

But, Susan, you paid a lot of money for those tickets.

Let's just go, I'm sure by the time we get there

you'll be over whatever this is.

[scoffs]

You want to go so badly, you go with Paul.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not that stupid.

I'm not.

Look, Susan, I think the best thing to do

when you get news that arouses your emotions is just to

take it in feel it for a second, and then, let it go.

Save your counseling for your paying customers.

I just, I need some time to process this.

Totally understand. I get it.

You know, where I do my best processing?

In the car.

Hey, you want to try that?

Oh, Susan, the game.

Okay, you know what?

I'm not moving until you agree to go the game.

What do you think of that, huh?

[door closes]

Well, I guess my plan wasn't as airtight as I thought.

Alright, I know I missed your birthday

so I brought you something.

- Who are you talking to? - All of you.

You know, it's not like I'm gonna have any kids

of my own anytime soon, so..

Aw, any girl would be lucky to have you, Uncle Paul

you're a great catch.

Trust me, I'm sort of a mess.

Awesome, Cyborg Rebellion 3.

Yeah. Hey, look for me online.

My screen name is "The-Defraying-Hair-Institute."

I figured why don't I do some advertising.

You are a mess.

Right?

A pair of wheelie shoes? Awesome!

You don't hurt yourself 'cause your mom and dad will kill me.

Okay? And for Lauren..

"Owls."

Yeah, the lady at the bookstore said that teenage girls

like owls.

But you know what? I think you'll like what's on page five.

$20!

- Thanks, Uncle Paul. - Hey, you're welcome.

Hey, Bill.

I'm not talking to you right now.

If you had been here on time none of this would've happened.

You know, you got a lot of negative energy

going on right now.

Well, darn right I do, I got tickets

to an awesome game that I am missing

because of something that happened 20 years ago.

Well, you know what, you were two-timing the woman

who became your wife.

Okay, okay, I get that.

And I know that Susan needs reassurance

and confirmation of my love right now.

But, man, you'd think 18 years of faithful marriage

and three kids would earn me some goodwill.

Yeah! Hey, you know what used to work for me with Helen?

The woman who left you and took half of everything?

Seriously, with the negativity!

No, I'm just saying, you know what chicks dig?

- Hmm. - Tunes.

Burn her a mix.

I don't have time, Paul.

Well, I got some compilations in my car, man.

I got songs for making out, I got songs for making love

I got songs for breaking up

and that covers the stages of my relationships.

Forget it, Paul, I'll think of something.

Okay, I'm just saying, chicks dig tunes.

Thank you.

Alright, well, look your tickets are on the counter, okay?

Oh, hey, you know what else chicks dig?

- Hm? - Owls.

- Get out. - Okay.

? You-you.. ??

? You were a nurse and I was hurt ?

? I made you laugh with the way that I flirt...ed ?

? I knew from the start that you would be mine ?

? Because you were a nurse and oh so fine! ??

I wrote that the night we met, you know?

Please, you just made that up.

What? Did you listen to the lyrics?

That's back when you were a nurse.

Bill, do you even know why I'm upset?

Not really. Why are you mad?

I don't know!

Well, if you don't know, how am I supposed to know?

I guess, I ju..

I-I-I just knew from the moment that I first met you

that we were meant to be together.

And until now, I believed that you did too.

- I did! - Except for that Hillary thing.

Oh, honey, if it was up to me

I'd have broken up with her that night.

But it was always something with that woman.

I'm telling you, it was always an excuse

or tears, or fake seizures.

I swear, it was like wrestling a squid.

Look, baby, I know what I did was wrong

but believe me when I tell you-

[thudding]

(Bryan) 'Ow! Mom!'

Ow! Mom!

[Trent laughs] That was awesome!

Are you okay?

- It's my radius. - What happened?

Paul gave him some of those wheelie shoes

and Bryan's big brain probably knocked him off balance.

Wha..

Why would he give him those things?

He knows how dangerous I think they are.

See, that's why I get all my physical activity virtually.

I hope it's not broken, let's get

some x-rays just to make sure.

Well, maybe put some ice on it and he can wait in the car

in the stadium parking lot.

Bill!

Eighteen years, you don't know I'm kidding?

If I had to push him a little faster

he would have cleared the table.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

[instrumental music]

We'll let you know as soon as your son is out of radiology.

Does that thing get the Denver game?

Because I do not want to see it on in here.

[indistinct PA chatter]

Stop looking at me.

I mean it, Bill.

Susan, please tell me what you're thinking.

Okay, fine. Fine.

[sighs]

Was I mad that you were dating another woman

at the same time you were dating me? Yes.

Did it upset me that I didn't find out about it until now?

Yes. Does any of that really change anything?

No, no, we-we have a wonderful family

a great marriage, a-a beautiful home.

Well then, what?

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

I-it might sound silly, but for me,

the history of-of Bill and Susan changed tonight.

I mean, I-I guess it-it doesn't affect anything really

but I just, I-I need to wrap my mind around it.

And I will.

I really did think you were the one the moment I saw you.

Mr. Pearson, I just need to see your insurance card.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, let's see.. No, no.

Oh! Yeah, here it is.

- What's that? - I'm sorry.

Ah! Is this the prescription

from the night you broke your ribs?

Yeah.

You went through broken ribs without painkillers? Bill!

Well, if I'd have filled that prescription

I would have had to turn over your number

and I wasn't about to do that.

Honey, y-you could've just written my number

on another piece of paper.

I know, but that was the first thing you ever gave me

and I wasn't about to let that go.

- Sorry we missed the game. - I'm not.

- Mmm.. - Okay, maybe a little.

[laughing]

It's just a sprain.

- Oh, yay. - Oh.

But that's alright, isn't it, honey?

I was just looking forward to the

fibroblast-producing collagen fibers

and laying down a new bone matrix.

That's so weird. I was just gonna say the same thing.

Um...happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

(Bryan) Uh, hello?

Ain't you a child in a sling down here?

[theme music]

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