All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s01e02 Aloha, Raffles.eng

[theme music]

(male narrator) "The Bill
Engvall Show" is taped before

a live studio audience.

Okay. Now, this week, let's try talking more.

You know, eyeball to eyeball.

Not through blackberries or blueberries

or any kind of berry.

- Henry. - What?

I was just texting myself
a reminder to talk to you.

Could I see that for a second?

I'll give it back to you next week.

Oh, um, here.

Take mine, too.

Good, good, alright.

When did you go blonde?

- You like it? - Very much.

Oh, uh, we should go, Bill has another patient.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not a patient.

I'm a podiatrist.

Well, that's okay.

Henry had a hard time accepting therapy, too.

Hey! You couldn't tell them I'm not a patient?

Why?

You embarrassed about getting a little help?

I don't need therapy.

Well, a lot of people go. No shame at all.

Might clarify some of
those mother issues with you.

Me and my mother are fine.

I visit her once a week, we chat

I clip her toenails and file off her calluses.

I can do it for your mom, too.

Give you a professional discount, 45 dollars.

- I got stuff to go through.
- What are you doing?

I've been squirreling
away a little money each week

and I finally saved enough
to take Susan and the kids to Maui.

Maui?

Wowee!

- What did the family say? - Uh, they don't know.

So when I tell them tonight
at dinner, I'm gonna be a hero.

Well, you deserve it.

You work hard. Listen
to these people yappity yap.

Hey, check this out.

- Look at that. - Ah.

That's where we're staying, right there.

Yeah, I'm gonna get us oceanside rooms

with a lanai, and the best part, a hammock.

It's gonna be great.

You know, my Kiki's an island girl.

I thought she was from Korea.

Korea is an island, right?

Actually, it's a peninsula.

You're gonna make a liar out of me

over one side of water.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Trent.

- Did anybody feed the dog? - What?

Did anyone feed the dog?

What?!

- Did anyone feed the dog? - What?

Did anyone feed Raffles?

How's your homework coming?

Oh, it's all done up here.

I just got to put it down on paper now.

- Hey. - Hey, guys.

Hey, did anybody feed the dog?

- Hi, Raffy. - Do you wanna feed him?

[scoffs] I don't know where you keep the food.

Hey, come on, sit down before it all gets cold.

Alright.

Chopsticks.

Someone want to say grace?

It's takeout.

Nonetheless, we got it,
we're gonna thank someone.

Thank you, God, for Lo mein

orange-peel chicken, and beef with broccoli.

I love Chinese.

I'm still a little sad about Tiananmen Square.

Oh! Oh, boy.

So let's see who had the
most exciting news of the day.

I'm writing an article in the school

newspaper, defending Taylor Spencer.

He got sent home by the principal for sagging.

What's sagging?

- Oh. - Oh, Trent.

Honey, not around the food.

Lauren, couldn't you come up with a more

worthy cause than pants?

I'm defending freedom of expression.

Well, back in my day..

- Oh, God! - Oh!

- I love these stories. - 'Thank you.'

Anyway, freedom of expression meant

criticizing the war or government corruption

not some kid showing the world his underwear.

But this is America, dad.

And people can dress the way they want.

Yeah, but how you look determines
how people treat you.

Now, let's say two young men

come to take your sister out on a date.

And one of them is wearing his
jeans down round his butt crack.

And the other one is wearing
a nice pair of Dockers.

[laughs] Dockers.

[laughs] That's a good one.

I think you get what I'm saying.

It wouldn't matter because I date whoever I want.

Huh, live with your illusions, honey.

[laughs]

Well, does anybody wanna hear my

exciting news?

Sure, why not?

We are all going to Maui.

- Shut up. - Maui?

Oh, Bill, can we afford that?

I should have the money
saved by the kids' winter break.

- Surfing. - Surfers.

Night highs.

Pahoehoe lava.

It has a ropey texture

which sets it apart from our Aa lava.

That's a tour you're on by yourself, buddy.

[instrumental music]

Alright, come on. Let's go now. Hurry up.

Okay, ooh, ooh, look at that bush right there.

It's begging for it.

Yeah, no?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Raffles.
No, that's Faulkner's house.

That's Faulkner's house. Oh, he already hates us.

Oh, Raffles, I'm out of bags.

[lights buzzing]

It's Faulkner, Raffle, run, run.

[instrumental music]

Ooh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

We're safe.

[sighs]

What're you thinking?

Faulkner. Lawn. Poop.

[gasps] Oh, Raffles knows better than that.

Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.

Oh, here's our bad boy.

Did you give him fresh water?

Yeah, watered him, fed him, walked him.

Which is strange, 'cause I could
have swore he was our kids' dog.

Oh, don't start.

Hey, have you noticed him walking funny lately?

[scoffs] Maybe it's arthritis. He is ten.

Come here, baby.

- Look, see? - Oh, yeah.

Maybe we should bring
him to the vet just to be sure.

- And by we, you mean..? - You.

Why me?

Because I have to volunteer

at Bryan's school tomorrow. I love you.

Okay, that whole I love
you tactic is so not fair.

[rock music]

[instrumental music]

(Bill) 'Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.'

So it showed up on X ray, huh?

And that's bad?

[sighs]

Well, what are Raffles odds?

Wow.

And how much it's gonna cost?

Wow.

Well, alright, Dr. Scully,
thank you for everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be in touch.

Okay, bye-bye.

Good news, buddy. I talked to Kiki about Maui.

And we're gonna pool
our credit cards and go with.

The problem is, we can only get a small room.

So we're gonna have to switch
on and off with you and Susan.

Now, we could do an every night switch

or we could do it every
two nights, which may be bet-

Bob, Bob, can you leave me alone for a minute?

- Sure. What's the matter?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. What is it?

Raffles..

...has a tumor.

Oh.

- Yeah. - I'm so sorry.

God!

I don't know how I'm gonna tell the kids.

Well, you can always call
them into a room and use the old

"Everyone who has a healthy dog, step forward."

Come on, Bob, this is serious.

- Have you ever had a pet die? - No.

Well, our cat got sick once, but..

...then she just ran away.

Yeah, I could use that one.

I'll just tell the kids Raffles ran away.

What are you saying?

Are you saying my mother lied to me?

Are you saying Tinkerbell died?

I've got Thursdays at Ten open.

[instrumental music]

(Trent) 'This totally sucks.'

Poor Raffles.

I don't want him to die, dad.

Nobody does, honey.

But he's old and he's gotten sick.

And it looks like the best thing we can do

is just to make sure he doesn't
suffer and he's not in pain.

Okay, why don't you two
go up and do your homework?

Okay.

Can Raffles sleep with me tonight?

Oh, sure, sweetie.

Just take him out first.

Can dad just bring him up..

...after he takes him out?

- Sure. - Goodnight.

- I'll be up in a minute. - Goodnight.

Oh, God, I'm glad that's over.

- Hey. - How could you do that?

- Do what? - Lie to the children and to me.

What why? I told you exactly what Dr.
Scully told me.

- He called me at my office. - Oh..

I had just finished my 2 o'clock session.

She was wearing the same dress she wore

the week before, which I thought was weird.

Well, you know how you can tell when someone's

lying, they give too many details.

Tell me, what did Dr. Scully really say?

Pretty much what I told you.

- Raffles has cancer. - And?

- That we should put him down. - Liar!

I wish I could send you to your room.

- I'm on my way. - Don't you dare move.

Now, what else did the vet say?

"How's that lovely wife of yours?"

- Oh! - Okay. Alright. Alright.

He said we could try surgery if we wanted.

And?

That Raffles might still not make it.

Honey, it's gonna cost thousands
and thousands of dollars-

No. I don't care. I don't care. I love that dog.

Well, so do I, sweetheart

but we can't let our emotions make this decision.

I mean, Raffles has had a good life.

- He's not a puppy anymore. - Oh.

Oh, quit looking at me like that.

Okay, I-I understand your logic.

I understand why you did what you did.

But don't you ever lie to me again.

[door bell rings]

I only meant to lie to the kids.

You just happened to be in the room.

- Faulkner. - Oh.

Hello, Mr. Faulkner. Hey, honey, look.

- It's Mr. Faulkner. - Ha.

I've talked to you before about that doggy.

Please, Mr. Faulkner.
Raffles has been really sick.

Oh, they don't think he was poisoned, do they?

- No. - Oh.

Well, if the mutt's sick

then my little gift might come in really handy.

Wow. Thank you, Mr. Faulkner.

In case they need a stool sample.

Good night, neighbor.

[chuckles] Don't give it to me.

Don't you wanna save the ribbon?

No. No.

[instrumental music]

Guys, take a look at this.
You're not gonna believe it.

What's going on?

I think dad lied to us about Raffles.

I went on the Internet,
and it said that they can operate

especially if the tumor is on his ulna.

Raffles has an ulna?

I thought he was a boy.

An ulna is a wrist-bone.

- Yeah, but isn't it all- - No Trent?

It is there. I felt it.

Well, how come dad didn't
tell us about the surgery?

He's the one who takes
care of Raffles all the time.

Maybe he's tired of it.

It's up to us to save him.

But surgery is gonna be expensive.

Oh, I have the money Grandma Edda gave me

for my birthday, but I can get more.

How? Have another birthday?

[laughs]

Man. Nobody gets me.

Okay, um, Bryan, let's hear it.

My friend's brother made a lot of money

by putting quarters in expired parking meters.

I like it. I don't love it.

Besides, that costs money.

Not if you put an envelope

with your address on the windshield

with the note asking for donation.

Do it. You get the envelopes, you make the notes.

I'll go steal the quarters
off of dad's nightstand.

You know what? She is the boss of us.

What should the note say?

How about something like

"We saved you from a ticket.

Will you help save our dog's life?"

Yeah. And I'll draw a
picture of a dog to go on it.

Great. We'll hit up the
most expensive parts of town.

That's where the 15 minute-meters are.

That's really good.

Doesn't look like Raffles, though.

Looks more like, Lassie.

It's called advertising, my bro.

We're just jazzing up the package

to win over the public's heart.

Or in this case, they're cash.

Your brain is scary.

Dude. Try having it in your head.

[upbeat music]

Don't rip the money, Trent.

Hey, as long as we got more than half the bill

it's still good.

I can't believe people have been so generous.

[both laugh]

(Bill) 'Boys, get down here!'

[instrumental music]

Oh-oh!

Boys, this is Sergeant Antonio

and he'd like to speak with you.

Trent. Pull your pants up.

Someone's been leaving these on people's cars

asking for donations for their sick dog.

And what made you think that was us?

The envelope is addressed to you.

I try to be a good role model

and this is how they reward me?

You want to explain what's going on here, Bryan?

We just put money in expired parking meters.

That's illegal.

It's against the law to help out your fellow man?

Wow, what a world you grown ups left for us.

Knock it off, wise guy.

They were just trying to save their dog, officer.

Yeah. He is a very handsome animal.

Like Lassie.

He's been real sick.

If you'll trust us to handle this, officer

uh, we'll donate the money to charity.

Okay, I'll let you off with a warning this time.

Thank you.

Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?

We only did it to get
money for Raffles' operation.

How come dad didn't tell us

that there was a chance for Raffles, mom?

Honey, because it was a decision

I didn't think you guys should have to make.

If you love Raffles as much as we do

you should have told us as.

"As much as you do?"

I can't get one of you kids
to take that poor dog for a walk.

- Or feed him. - I'm a teenager.

I'm busy.

Alright, since you all seem to wanna be

involved in this, here's the question.

Are you willing to give up our trip

to Hawaii to help save Raffles?

Because that's what's gonna have to happen

and he still might not survive it.

But he might.

Alright, you know, since
this is something that involves

the whole family, let's take a family vote.

Good. I love voting.

Hope you still feel that way when you're 18.

When the whole world is
on fire from global warming.

Yes, we do everything we can to save Raffles.

No, we don't.

Wait. My pen ran out of ink.

What, are you writing an essay? Yes or no?

Just give me another pen.

Okay, here we go.

That's one, two

three, four, five for, yes.

One, two, three for no.

Wait, what? There's five of us and eight votes.

My bad. I thought it was
like voting for prom queen.

Alright, alright, one more time.

- Do we have to? - Yeah.

I-I don't think I could decide this, mom.

Either way, I vote, I feel guilty.

You see? You see?

This is what I was trying to avoid.

I'm the dad. I should be the
one to deal with these issues.

Okay, Bill. You make the decision.

- What are you gonna decide? - Yeah, dad.

Dude, I'm so glad I'm not you right now.

Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll do what's best.

Alright, you know, what I've decided?

To take a walk.

- Uh, you three. Grounded. - What?

Up to your room, no TV, no cell phone

no iPod, no video games.

What are we supposed to do?

- Read. - No, seriously.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, I don't like being here any more than you.

Yeah, look at me, complaining.

You're the one who..

Let us take a look if they
got your picture on this dog chart.

You look like you're more
of a kind of a mix of a Terra..

...Shepherd or a Doodle.

I guess that chart doesn't list a dog

you won at a church raffle for a buck.

That's how you got your name. Raffles.

[scoffs] I only bought the Raffle ticket

hoping to win the Van Halen guitar.

Got you instead.

[clicks tongue] I was disappointed.

It's hard to riff "Stairway
To Heaven" on a pooch.

[sighs]

But a guitar doesn't jump up..

...and greet you every time
you come home like you did did.

Do.

Getting ahead of myself here.

Look, man, you gotta admit, it's better this way.

[somber music]

This has nothing to do with the trip to Hawaii.

[sniffles]

[sighs]

[sniffles] I just..

I just don't wanna see
you suffer, my little puppy.

'Cause you're sure a good boy.

You're a good boy.

[sniffles]

Oh, seriously, Raffles.

I know you're nervous and everything.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have given you

those schezwan dumplings for breakfast.

[door opens]

[sighs] Bill..

...you wanna come in for this, or..

...do you want me to just take Raffles?

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

Late night?

The glare off your legs is just blinding.

Hey, I bought 'em. I'm wearing 'em.

There's Raffles.

He looks like he's feeling better.

Woo! Doesn't smell like it.

I can't believe how close we came to losing him.

Oh, I just had a funny feeling he'd be

okay if we tried the surgery.

Yeah. You couldn't go through with it?

Not even if there was a tiny chance.

No matter what it cost.

There's a million Hawaiis and only one Raffles.

[knock on door]

Oh, honey, it's Mr. Faulkner.

Oh! Yay!

What do you want, Faulkner?

I came to tell you how sorry I am

to hear about you losing your dog.

Even though it used my
yard as its personal toilet

it's always hard to put an animal down.

What?

You kept that thing alive?

Hey, that thing is our dog.

"That thing is our dog."

You know, I appreciate
it if you use the front door.

Been there, done that.

I know. I know. I know.

Looks like he likes you, Faulkner.

Everybody likes me.

Aloha!

[theme music]

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