All language subtitles for The Bill Engvall Show s01e01 Good People.eng

[theme music]

(male narrator) Our show was
taped before a live studio audience.

- Hey, kids! - Hey.

Hello, my love.

Oh, rose! Ow! Ooh!

To what do I owe this surprise?

To the neighbors who are outta town till Friday.

You stole the neighbors flowers?

For the woman who stole my heart.

Oh! Mm. Hm. Hm.

[telephone ringing]

- I got it. - Don't bother.

It's just gonna be another girl for Trent.

(Trent) 'I got it.'

It hasn't stopped ringing
since we got home from school.

Girls are calling Trent? Why?

Starting quarterback sprained his ankle

and won't be able to
play in the game on Saturday.

But Trent is a third-string quarterback.

The backup quarterback's having panic attacks.

Someone found him in the girl's
bathroom asking for his binkie.

[Bill laughing]

- Huh! - Wow!

It isn't funny. Now I have to find another date

for the semi-formal.

Starting quarterback?

Why didn't he call me at the office and tell me?

Oh, you know Trent. He's not one to get excited

about, well, anything.

I mean, even I had to hear about it from Tiffy.

Who's Tiffy?

Oh, some pixie sounding cheerleader

who called me ma'am!

I am 20 years away from being called ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

[acoustic music]

[knocking on door]

- Hey, pops. - Hey, man.

I just heard the great news.

Starting quarterback for the Fighting Marmits.

Way to go, son!

Feels good to shower after
a hard practice, doesn't it?

I haven't showered yet.

Okay.

Man! Look at all these girls

who wanna come over and kick it.

[message chiming]

You know, when I was your age if a girl said

she wanted to come over and kick it

I'd make sure I was wearing a cup.

Oh. Man, I forgot to take mine off.

Son, this could be a great opportunity for you.

Yeah. I mean, I never imagined

all these girls would wanna talk to me

And this isn't just girls, dad.

This is a whole other class of girls.

Juniors.

I'm telling you, you take this seriously

this could be the start of big things for you.

Do you have any idea how
many presidents of this country

played quarterback for their high schools?

Two.

I think you're right.

Anyway, anyway, anyway. Anyway.

Listen, I got an idea. We got a couple

minutes before dinner, you're still sweaty.

So what do you say we
go throw the old ball around?

Yeah, right on.

[messages chiming]

- What's PIR? - Parent In Room.

Alright, well, DFTTAS.

Don't Forget To Take A Shower.

Still PIR.

[instrumental music]

[gasps] Yeah.

Trent!

Alright, I gotta go. Bye.

(Bill) 'Thank you.'

[telephone ringing]

[chair clattering]

I am shutting this off till dinner's over.

[telephone ringing]

[stammers] I-I..

- Here. Here, here, here.. - How do you..

[ringing continues]

[phone beeping]

Sorry.

Now, see what I did there?

Quarterback's gotta learn to think on his feet.

Pass me the potatoes. Get it?

"Quarterback, pass me the potatoes?"

[potato thuds]

That's my bad. Receiver's
gotta go up and get that.

Oh, my God! Are we this family now?

All about the quarterback?

Lauren, can't you be happy for your brother?

No, no, no. We can talk about something else.

Like, how Lauren wants to
get her belly button pierced.

Why would you want to do that?

The skin membrane is meant to protect us.

[chuckles] Yeah. You are not getting your

belly button pierced, young lady.

Why? How is the navel piercing

any different than an ear-piercing?

Because when you wear earrings

boys look up here.

How about if I pierce my tongue?
Then nobody'll know I have it

if I don't open my mouth.

Oh, I'm for that.

Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth

then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out.

You know, that is a great point, honey.

I see these kids in the mall

they look like they ran into a nail gun.

I mean, when did shrapnel
become a fashion accessory?

Mom?

Don't look at me, I'm trying to figure out

what your father was doing at the mall.

Good meatloaf.

[instrumental music]

Hey, who was the guy who invented the cotton gin?

Eli Whitney.

And I bet his dad didn't let him

sit around on a stupid computer

typing nonsense words to his BFF's and GF's.

You spell Eli with an I.

Alright, Bill, what's wrong?

I can't even get Trent
to go toss the ball around.

He's doing this quarterback thing like he does

everything else, half assed.

Well, he's a happy teenager.

Eventually he'll do things full assed.

Well, yeah, sure. But we want him to be strong

motivating and independent.

You know, a good person.

If he keeps going the way he's going

he's gonna end up working in a car wash.

Oh, Bill, that won't happen. He's got plenty of

time to pull his life together.

And what if he doesn't? Then he becomes

one of those 35-year-old
guys who still lives at home.

Look at the bright side. There probably won't be

any girls calling, and we will have clean cars.

[music fades]

Looks like you and dad are going to practice.

I really wished you'd
get something pierced already

to take the heat off of me.

- Hey, Brett. - Who?

- Brett Favre. - Oh God!

Take fast!

- Awesome, dad. - Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Trent, Trent, Trent. She'll get that.

She'll get that. She'll get that.

Come here. Now, look.

I've set these targets up

and I want you to hit 'em with the ball.

Right on.

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music fades]

Hey.

What would my favorite husband
like for dinner tonight?

Pizza or pork chops?

Ooh. Pork chops.

[sighs]

What?

No, I was just kind of hoping not to have to do

a whole big thing for dinner tonight.

Pork chops aren't even thawed out.

- Okay, then pizza - No, no.

You obviously want pork chops.

I just wished you'd give me
a little more heads up next time.

When you do that, it hurts right here.

[doorbell rings]

(Trent) 'I got it.'

Oh, he can't run like that on the field.

Lighten up, Bill. It's just a game.

This from a woman who took art classes

just so she could win at Pictionary.

Says the looser.

And by the way, this is not just about the game.

Once Trent realizes how good it feels to succeed

he's gonna want to succeed at everything.

And then my job is done.

Hi.

Hi.

Mom, dad, this Marissa.

And...well you know me.

I'm Susan, and this is...Bill!

Uh, we're gonna go upstairs to study.

Oh, wait. There's-there's drinks in the fridge

if you get thirsty.

Better, better yet, just leave
the door open and yell down.

Wow! That's sixteen?

- What were you doing? - What?

Oooh.

I was reading her shirt.

I see words, I read 'em.

I got to tell you, with girls like Marissa

and T-shirts like that, I think it's time

you talk to him about protection.

- Me? - Yes, you.

[Marissa laughs]

Do it soon.

[acoustic music]

And this is your heart line.

You're sincere

respectful and considerate.

Cool. I never really looked at my hands before.

[laughing]

You never really washed your hands before.

Hey, Marissa.

Did you know that 80% of all infectious diseases

are passed on by human contact?

Trent is the vast breeding ground for microbes

and now so are you.

- Um, can I use your restroom?
- It's just down the hall.

Alright, how about a little privacy, brother?

If I leave, you're gonna start kissing her

with your tongue and she's gonna end up pregnant.

You don't get a girl pregnant
by kissing her with your tongue.

Really?

How do you have to kiss her then?

[chuckles softly] You mean,
dad hasn't given you the talk yet?

"You see, son, when a man and
a woman really love each other.."

Trust me, it's a riot.

[instrumental music]

Ah! Chili fry.

Mother, father.

Listen, I know you said
you didn't want me to get pierced

but I want you to look at something.

Ah, sweetheart, why is this so important to you?

Because it's cool

and it's a way to express my individuality.

Sweetie, it's a trend.

And people who follow trends are sheep.

We are not sheep.

Well, you had a perm, a
mustache and a denim jumpsuit.

You looked ba-a-a-a-d.

And, mom, big hair, shoulder
pads and stirrup pads.

Oh. It's a Halloween costume.

Oh my God, it's not.

Okay, this was a really
nice presentation, Lauren.

But God gave you all the
holes you're ever gonna need.

What your father is trying
to say, is no piercings.

You guys are so...old!

[chuckles]

So were you in some sort
of Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band?

Easy, oh, Mickey, you're so fine!

Oh!

[instrumental music]

Hey, woah, woah, woah. Where are you going?

I was just coming to get you.

Dad, the coach said that I'm doing fine

and that I don't need any extra help.

Yeah? Did the coach teach
you how to put on a condom?

Okay. I don't know what football was like

when you were playing

but we're generally just
a passing-catch situation.

Come on, this will be easy.

Now, with all the attention you've been getting

from the ladies lately..

- Dad. - Look.

I'm not encouraging you to have sex

but if you ever find yourself
in the position to do it

I want you to be prepared and responsible.

Sex is a serious business.

Now, which of these would you say you are?

A string bean?

That was just to break the tension.

Now..

Dad, you don't have to do this.

I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon.

Okay, good, good.

But promise me, when you're ready, we'll talk.

Yeah, for sure, I'll send you a card.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One more thing.

- One more thing. - Yeah, dad?

Listen, this Saturday, if the other team

picks up on you passing rhythms

give 'em a pump fake.

That'll freeze the linebackers,
your wide receiver

will be open down the sidelines.

Great, yeah, good stuff.

Listen, if you have any other suggestion

just write 'em down on my playbook

like you've been doing, that helps.

[instrumental music]

This is such a cool chair.

What do you think I should get? Gold or silver?

Maybe I'll get one of each.

Take a deep breath and hold it.

[heavy metal playing]

What game is that?

It's called paying bills. And there's no winning.

Uh, mom, I found this autographed photo

of Brett Favre outside my door

and I think dad signed it himself.

What makes you think that?

Well, you see it says

"To Trent. Good luck at the game on Saturday.
Love, Brett ."

Yeah, it does look like your dad's handwriting.

He's driving me crazy with
all this quarterback stuff.

I know, I know. Sweetheart,
he just wants you to do your best.

Well, yeah, but I was happier at third string.

'Cause the coach leaves you alone

and you get to hang out and drink Gatorade

and you get a great seat for the game.

Don't worry about it. He'll
be proud of you no matter what.

No, he won't.

Honey, he just, he wants
you to have fun, that's all.

No, he doesn't, mom.

- Can you do me a big favor? - Yeah, sure.

Can you tell him not to come?

Trent, honey, wh-why don't you think about this?

Well, I have. And I won't
do my best if I know he's watching.

Yeah, but, what-what
if he sittin' way in the back

and you don't even see him?

He's sitting on my brain, mom.

Okay.

- Thank you. - Alright, sweetie.

Okay, okay. I can do this.

[sighs]

But first, I deserve those new shoes.

[keys clicking]

[door opens]

- Bill, honey. - 'Still fits.'

Wow!

- Wow! - Yeah.

I'm thinking about wearing it to the game.

Yeah, yeah. You know, um..

There-there's something that I need to tell you

and I-I've been trying to
figure out the best way to do it

but I-I think I'll just say it.

Our family wants for nothing.

Yeah.

You are a wonderful provider.

Where is this goin'?

Trent doesn't want you at the game tomorrow.

- Best dad ever. - He said that?

Well, I added the best dad thing but, but really

he does not want you there.

He, um, he thinks that he'll
play better if you're not there.

Well, why wouldn't he just come to me?

Well, because you're his dad.

He's-he's scared of disappointing you.

Well, what do you think I should do?

Well, what do you think you should do?

Oh, don't do that.

We already have one family
therapist in this house.

You know what, I'm gonna talk to him.

No, no, no, don't, Bill.

Okay. Will you do me a favor?

Oh, you know I hate these favors but-

- Oh, c-c-come on, come on.
- Alright, alright, alright.

Just tell him to try that pump fake I showed him.

Okay sure.

A-and one more thing,
help me get out of this jersey.

[instrumental music]

Ow, ow, ow!

(Susan) 'Bryan, Lauren,
come on, we're gonna be late.'

Hey. You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I was gonna hang out here at the house

listen to the game on the radio.

If I can find AM radio.

How is it that we have a DVD player

a CD player, TiVo and a cable box.

Where the hell is the AM radio?

What's AM radio?

It was the iPod for the dinosaurs.

Hi, daddy.

Oh, you have got really bad timing, young lady.

Dad, listen before you go ballistics-

No, no, no, no, no.

I was looking for a reason
to use my pliers today.

Lauren, I cannot believe you did this

after we told you not to.

I know, you guys must
be really disappointed in me

and if you want me to leave

I met these really trustworthy guys

down at the piercing place.

And they said that I can move in with them.

- Psyched. - Oh, I don't believe you!

Yeah, you kids think you're funny

but you can't take back heart damage.

I didn't not do it because of what you guys said.

I thought about it rationally
and I made a mature decision.

Big needle get to you?

Not as much as the scary guy holding it.

Alright, you guys have fun.

- You sure you're gonna be okay? - I will be.

Go Marmits.

[instrumental music]

'from center, and he's gonna pass.'

'He drops back, and it
looks like he'll be sacked.'

(male commentator) 'Wait! Pearson got
away and he's running for a first down!'

Yes! There you go!

(male commentator) 'Ahh.
But it looks like it's gonna be'

'holding against the offense.'

Oh!

(male commentator) 'No, wait, the
penalty is going against the defense.'

'Pearson and the Fighting
Marmits have a first down.'

Yes! There we go! Yes! Now!

(male commentator) 'Well,
folks, one of these two teams'

'is gonna get their first win today.'

'It all comes down to this play.'

Yeah, come on, baby! Come on!

(male commentator) 'Here's
the snap, Pearson dropping back'

'looking, looking..'

No, no, no! Not now!

Ohh!

Your station carried the game.

How can you not know the final score?

The Marmit game.

Well, is there someone there who is authorized

to give me that information?

Oh, don't-don't put me on hold.

Oh!

[door closes]

Oh God, they lost.

- No, they won. It was-
- They won? Oh my God! Oh!

I wish I could have heard it.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - You taped the game?

- I taped the game. - You taped the game!

Oh, smart and hot. Thank you Lord.

- I gotta watch that last play. - Oh, it's great.

[door opens]

- Hey, dad. - Hey, Trent.

- Uh, we won. - Yeah.

We were just gonna watch the end of the game.

Oh, cool.

- Well, come on. - Oh, do you mind?

I had my eyes closed a lot of that last play.

Alright.

- Come on, Trent! - See.

The pump fake worked just like you said it would.

Yeah, sometimes your dad has good ideas.

- I'm proud of you, son. - Thanks, dad.

And maybe I could be a little more focused

and try a little harder.

[chuckles] I'll say.

But you're happy, and that what's important.

So are you gonna come to the next game?

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- Raoul's coming back. - Who?

The starting quarterback. So, I won't be playing

but you can still watch me sit on the bench.

Well, you got a better passing record than Raoul.

- Maybe they'll put you- - Bill.

And if they don't, that's perfectly fine.

Oh, those phone calls are
probably gonna stop pretty soon.

Mm, maybe not.

[phone ringing]

[thudding]

(Trent) 'Oww!

'Oh, I can see my bone.'

'Oh wait, it's just my sock.'

[chuckles]

- He's a good kid. - And he's a good person.

- you wanna watch it again? - I do.

- Come on. - Hm.

[indistinct yelling on TV]

Tsk. Oh.

[outro theme]

[music fades]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0