Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull (resync by leopardus9999) https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hello, can I speak to Sandra please?

Speaking.

Hello there, Sandra, this is Simon.

I'm the Promotional Manager at Studio 55.

I understand you spoke to one of my colleagues recently

about a competition we're running.

OK, yeah.

Yeah, Sandra, do you work?

Yeah. Yeah, why?

That's fine, actually, do you know what, Sandra?

I'm gonna give you these tickets.

You've just won a free VIP day out with us.

- Doing what? - You are going to meet

one of the best professional hairstylists in London.

You will also meet a make-up artist

and have a free makeover

and at the end of the day

you will have a fantastic photoshoot.

I really don't think that's for me, love.

No, you don't understand, Sandra.

It's free, you've won it.

Yeah, no, I'm not interested.

Come on, there's even free bubbly when you get here.

Oh, and you know, bring a few changes of outfit

obviously not your whole wardrobe!

Yeah, I suppose a day out down in London would be nice.

So can you tell me, is it a Visa, master

or debit card you'll be using today?

Sorry?

For the deposit. What kind of card will you be using?

Sorry, er, what deposit? You just said it was free.

Oh no, sorry, Sandra, you've got the wrong idea.

It's not any money at all.

All our... all our services are complimentary.

- Yeah? - We just take a deposit

- so you turn up... - OK.

...but you get it straight back on the day.

Can you give me the long number across

- the front of the card please? - Um, OK, right.

Just need to find my bag, hold on a second

just bear with me.

Yeah, got it.

- Got it? Brilliant. - Yeah.

OK, so it's just that long number

across the front of the card, that'll be great

then we can process this.

It'll go through, you'll have a fabulous time.

Hold on a second. I think someone's at the door, y'know.

Oh, right, well, I tell you what...

- Sorry, Simon, I have got to go. - I really don't...

Think it's important actually.

Can I say something to you? Can I say something?

Before you go, just last thing, right?

- Yeah. - You know sometimes

- you want things in life? - Yeah.

And you just put them off, you put them off

you sit on the wall...

Right, I'm just saying, jump off the wall.

There goes the door again.

- I'm sorry. - Jump off the wall.

Just take the plunge...

I've gotta go and answer the door, OK?

...life-changing experience for you.

I know, I know.

Put a date in now, if you decide later on

you want to rearrange it then that's no problem

you can just give me a ring back.

I'll call you back, alright, Simon?

- Bye, bye. - Hello? Hello? Ah...

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Alright?

Yeah.

Good day?

No, really fucking awful.

Oh, well.

You fancy a top-up?

Oh, go on then. Twist my arm.

That is lovely.

How was your day then? Good?

OK.

I looked at jobs back in London again.

Oh, really?

I thought you were happy here.

It's not challenging anymore.

I'm not getting anywhere staying up here.

Yeah, well.

Let's see how it goes, eh?

It's never a good time to talk, is it?

You're never interested in talking.

You're happy just to drift aimlessly.

Can we start again?

Fucking hell, Sarah, I've had a really crap day at work.

I've been in the door five minutes and you're on me!

I don't care. Get a different job.

You hate it there but you're happy to moan and groan

instead of changing it. You're pathetic.

Pathetic...

Yeah, that's right, say your bit

and then disappear for the night.

Fancy Chinese? I'll order.

Some duck and pancakes?

Lovey bottle of cold wine.

Whatever.

Look, I'm really sorry about earlier.

I do care. I just get stressed, is all.

I just...

I need some support from you.

I feel like I'm on my own sometimes.

I get it. I understand.

I'll go and order.

Anything else you want?

OK. The five steps.

Number one, fear of loss.

Fear of loss is greater than the need for gain.

Number two, sense of urgency.

You must create an urgency to buy today.

People will buy on impulse...

only if you get them excited about what you're fucking doing.

He can't get 'em excited, can he?

Shush.

Number three...

Jones effect, keeping up with.

Number four...

indifference.

Never appear desperate for a sale.

If you do, they become sceptical and will not buy.

Listen to me.

Listening.

Number five.

Greed.

They want more for less.

Make out to give it to them.

OK. That's your lot for today.

Remember, these seats and phones are loaned

to you on a daily basis.

Earn your seat every day.

Please. Own your seat.

- Come on. - Come on!

OK, before you pick up the phones

I want to talk about today.

Today is a new day, right?

- Yep. - Whatever problems you had

yesterday or the day before, for that matter, they've gone.

Finito.

Now, I know I speak for Alan here when I say

this really isn't rocket science.

Just focus on your leads, and dream big.

Reach those goals and you'll be living the dream, my friends.

Just don't forget, turn up with no make-up on.

Yeah, but your clothes. Lovely.

Right, thank you, Caroline, it's been a pleasure.

Take care. Bye-bye.

Get in there!

Jesus.

It's Action Man.

I'm thinking of joining the gym.

Oh, really?

Oh... I like your wobbly bits.

I'm serious. I'm gonna go first thing in the morning.

You do need to tone up a bit.

Won't take me long to get into shape.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Thanks for your support.

Anytime, cowboy.

Oh, no.

Hiya. I'd like to join the gym.

You had any kind of experience?

In what way?

Have you trained before?

Years ago.

Years ago.

When I was a kid.

Teenager.

Where?

Lime Boys Club.

Why don't you go back there?

It's in London.

This gym ain't for you, mate.

Get yourself a YMCA.

Take your Lycra pants with you.

I wanna train here.

Sign you up then.

Go on. Hold you up.

Easy.

Oi, oi, you don't fucking do it like that.

What's the matter with ya?

No one's done a pull-down like that since the '90s.

I'm sorry, no one showed me how to work it.

What's your game?

I said I'm sorry, I didn't know.

I ain't seen you in here before, have I?

Just joined.

Welcome. Terry.

Hi, I'm Simon.

So what's the goal then?

Well, I really just want to get fit.

Fit? Well, you can fuck fit.

You wanna get big and you wanna get strong.

And the way you're pulling that weight about

you'll end up a cripple.

You'll be a Thalidomide by the time you're 50.

- A what? - A flid.

But don't worry...

because I can prevent that from happening.

Are you expensive?

Oh, please, the money should not be important.

Look, I'm standing here now...

and I'm looking at you.

And I can see major potential.

You just need a little bit of guidance, that's all.

You ever thought about competing?

No.

- You could be a Mister. - A Mister?

Bodybuilding. Mister Newcastle, Mister England.

Mister South Shields.

I'm not really into all that high-intensity bootcamp stuff.

Bootcamp, who said anything about fucking soppy bootcamp?

I was in the Army for 15 years, mate.

And what I do is better than all that old bollocks.

And I'm a lot fucking cheaper.

Alright. Can I think about it?

You can do whatever you want.

I'm here every day.

Come on, you cunts!

Come on!

Alright, Gail?

- D'you want a pint? - Yeah.

Two pints please, Gail.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Fancy going to Holland and Barrett after this?

- Where? - Health food shop.

Have you run out of Bombay mix?

I've joined a gym, I need to get some supplies.

Fuck off, you fucking poof.

Need to get healthy, all we do is booze every day.

I've got no energy anymore. I feel lethargic all the time.

- I feel old, man. - Take some coke.

Don't you worry?

I just don't feel the same anymore.

I wanna try and shake it up a bit.

I wanna change myself.

Like I said, coke always worked for me.

No, I wanna give other stuff a go.

Steroids?

No.

Supplements.

You know what I mean.

- Strawberry for me. - Strawberry?

Yeah.

I got the fucking head bouncer...

big horrible spade in a fucking headlock.

- Did you smash the fucker up? - No, that was later.

So I fucking got him round the neck

and wanna make him feel a bit fucking giddy

a little bit sick.

So I'm fucking swinging the cunt round like a rag doll

I went fucking ballistic.

I pulled the cunt up and gone, crack! With a left hook.

He's gone down like a fucking sack of shit

and I'm stamping all over him.

Spark out? - Yeah.

And all his fucking horrible muggy doorman mates

were fucking standing there like that.

Fucking, not one of them

helped that horrible, fat, black cunt out.

Shit. - Fortnight later...

I thought, "Fuck it, I'll go back in there."

They're all around me, free drinks, fucking birds.

Manager comes up to me, "Tel, Tel!

Please take over the door!

Take over the door!" I mean, fuck off, you dope.

It's a fucking cunt's game.

Definitely, mate. - Talk later, alright?

- See you, Tel. - Take care.

Well, there he is.

Oh, hi, Terry.

So, you ready then?

How's it gonna work?

Let's have a proper look at ya.

Come over to the mirror and take your top off.

Come on.

Is that really necessary?

Yes, it is, we need to see what we're dealing with

what we're up against

all the hard work we've got ahead of us. Just take it off.

Yeah, I don't like this kind of thing, to be honest.

Fuck off, I'm teasing with ya.

Look, Simon, I can transform you

like you can't believe.

But you're gonna have to toughen up a bit.

Yeah, I know, that's why I come to the gym.

You know what? Let's leave it for today.

But I'm here now, I came to train today.

Yeah, I know you're fucking here, I can see ya

but you've gone all fucking negative on me, ain't ya?

You're not in the right fucking mindset.

I'll see you tomorrow. Alright?

I don't know if I can do tomorrow.

Well, if you can't, you can't, no harm done.

He had me take my top off.

I felt abused.

Well, you don't need to go back, do you?

I've paid six months upfront now.

What! Why?

Maybe it's a character test...

and then he'll be fine.

He's just seeing if I'll turn up again, if I have the balls.

I mean, they're like that.

He's ex-Army, you know.

Sounds like a smashing bloke.

Hope you're hungry.

Do you want some cheese?

Sort yourself out.

And do it now.

D'you know what drives me mad about her?

She's so far up his fucking arse

that her fucking feet are dangling just out.

When he's doing his fucking splurge

at the beginning of the day, it's always geared to us.

Never geared to her, is it?

It never is, though!

"Today's a new day, guys, um...

I'll be able to stop my hands once I've taken them out

of Alan's arse, yeah?" Idiot.

She gets away with fucking murder.

- She's good though. - She's not good at all!

She's got more sales than you.

She hasn't got any fucking sales.

Exactly, that's more than you!

She can't even fucking read the digits back to 'em

on the fucking card.

This has got to stop as well.

Oh, change the fucking record.

Couple of pints aren't gonna hurt, are they?

- Too many carbs. - So what?

You fucking need it after being stuck

in that fucking place all day.

What happened, Ron?

Did you ever think you would end up like this?

At least we have a bit of craic.

Fucking hate sales.

Sales is my life.

Oi! What time do you call this?

Yeah, sorry I'm a bit late.

Oh, you've had a late one, ain't ya?

Oh, fuck me, you stink. What you been eating, shit?

Had a couple after work, that's all.

Yeah?

Well, that's gonna have to stop if you wanna get serious.

I'm cutting down, the training will help.

No, no, no, stop, altogether I said.

- OK. - Go and get yourself warmed up.

Bring that into the top of your chest.

When you come down, squeeze.

- Squeeze what? - Elbows back.

- This. - Like that?

Yeah, but bring your elbows back, that's it.

Up again. Good, back two, good.

Three, good.

Four, good, that's it.

Five, good...

Six, that's good.

That's good, seven, come on, I'm impressed.

All we're doing is getting the form correct

so you learn to do everything the right fucking way

- and not the wrong way. - OK.

It's easy to do things the wrong way.

- So, what, is that right? - That's it, it's fine.

But I want these arms straight

I want you to squeeze them triceps.

That's it, that's better.

OK, got it.

Stand up straight, chin up, look forward.

- Bum out? - No, bum in.

Stretch them arms out, now come up, curl it.

Come up to the top. Oh, slow...

Like a lunatic. What's the matter with ya?

That's it, nice and easy, and squeeze at the top.

Squeeze them biceps, squeeze.

- Oh, what... Oh, right. - When you get to the top

I want you to count for one, and squeeze.

- One. - That's it, that's it.

- One. - That's it, one, that's it.

That's it, see? You're fucking...

You're taking notice, son, I like it.

Sarah...

are you awake?

Yeah, hopefully I do see you there but have a fantastic time.

That's another one.

Thank you. Bye, bye.

Woo!

Got another one.

Woo!

Good.

That's all you. I want one more, one more!

Come on, come on, come on, down...

And drive, come on, push, push, push, push, push, push, good!

Good. Well done. Come on, get up.

Are you alright?

Yeah...

just tired, the gym is knocking me for six.

You look like a mong.

Thanks.

You want some gnocchi?

- No, ta. - Why not? I'm doing some.

I've already told you, no carbs at this time anymore.

Terry said strictly none after six.

What would Terry like me to make you then?

I'll do mine in a minute.

Bought a nice tuna steak, actually.

Gnocchi's not fat.

It's not fat that's the problem.

Terry said there are good fats and bad fats.

It's carbs that are the real problem.

Terry says a lot, doesn't he?

All this training you're doing

have you noticed a difference yet?

Well, haven't you?

Nice and controlled, stretch it right out, that's it.

Stretch it out... and stretch.

That's it. Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze at the top.

You've literally doubled the size of your arms

since you started.

Oh, it's really hot in here today.

You should try Iraq.

Were you there?

Two tours.

Then I went on the circuit.

Like a second home to me.

The circuit, what's that?

Private security.

Bet that was intense.

You have no idea, mate.

No idea.

Tell me?

We opened fire on small villages and...

never ever batted an eyelid.

I made sure I erased the tapes on that one.

What do you mean?

I should write a book.

Mind you, I'd get a life sentence for chapter five alone.

What happened in chapter five?

Remind me to show you my little "trophy pictures".

You wouldn't believe it.

I'm not sure I wanna see them, to be honest.

Two elephants fighting on the grass.

Who gets damaged?

Sorry?

Two big elephants fighting on the grass, who gets damaged?

The grass.

- Never stop hitting people. - What?

Never stop hitting people

because once you stop

you will never be able to start again.

Absolutely!

No, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Yeah? Have a lovely, lovely day.

OK, fantastic, bye-bye, bye.

Wahey!

We're on a roll, on a roll.

- Alright? - Great stuff.

Yes...

Hey!

- Oh, is that... - You can do it!

...top of the board?

Is that top of the board? I think it is.

I think that's top of the board.

Ladies and gentleman, it's top of the board!

Top of the board!

Thank you very much, thank you.

Hey, coming for a pint?

No, taking Sarah out tonight

to celebrate breaking my sales record.

Just one pint. She's not gonna mind, is she?

She will. I'll grab one with you in the week.

Sarah?

Sarah!

Dear Simon...

for what feels like months now, I've tried to talk to you

to explain how I was feeling

but you were never there to listen.

After it happened, you never wanted to talk about it did you?

Why?

You knew how important it was for me.

There's no easy way of saying this.

I detest you, I'm afraid, I really do.

"It's got so bad that when I hear your key

turning in the front door, I feel physically sick.

I drink so much so I don't have to face you sober.

I make out to be unconscious

so I don't have to face you at all.

I'm sorry...

but this really is for the best.

You're not the person I fell in love with.

I do hope you understand."

Yeah, very sad.

Best cure for depression I know is lifting.

Come on, let's step it up a gear.

- That's it. - Someone else?

No, I don't think so.

I really didn't know she felt like that.

Look, I wouldn't worry about it.

In a month or so, you're gonna be ripped like a bastard.

- And you know what? - What?

She'll come running back like they always do.

Seemed pretty final to me.

I know, but the more final it seems

the more chance there is it'll work out.

That makes no sense.

It's Terry's logic, son.

You've gotta remember something.

I've had more fucking women than you've had hot dinners.

And in a month...

you're gonna have a couple of juicy

18-year-olds wrapped round ya.

No, that's not what I'm looking for.

Course it is, it's what we're all looking for.

And then when she comes crawling back on her hands and knees...

you can tell her to fuck right off.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we only moved into that big fucking house

because of her.

She's left me right in the shit with the bills.

I can't afford all that on my own.

How many bedrooms you got?

Four, why?

No, no, I'm just, um...

I'm just thinking out loud.

I might have a solution to your problem.

What?

How would you like me as your lodger?

- I'm not sure, Terry. - No, no, no, no, listen.

If I moved in...

could you imagine how big you'd get?

And to be honest with ya

I gotta be out the place I'm living anyway.

And I like you, Simon, I really do.

And I feel that you need a little bit of company

wrapped round you now.

Bring you out of yourself.

What do you say?

Can I think about it?

Of course you can.

Let's step it up, come on. Let's do this.

Ten reps, no fucking about.

One, two, three, up, there we go.

One, good.

Good, good.

Good, three...

Really push like you mean it.

Push like you mean it.

Think of Sarah as she's getting fucked up the arse

by a stranger.

The fuck are you saying?

Trying to motivate you to get you angry.

Leave Sarah out of it, will ya?

She hates ya, you said so yourself.

She's your fucking ex now, hate her back.

Come on, let's get big and let's get ripped.

I told you that stuff in confidence.

I don't want you using her name around the gym.

I'm heartbroken, man.

Or can't you see that?

Simon, don't fucking walk away, come back.

Hey, hey! I'm joking.

- This the one, Tel? - Yeah.

Just bang on the door, Paul.

- Hi. - Aye-aye.

Don't stand there, come on, give us a hand.

And, um, where is one's living quarters, my good man?

Upstairs to the right.

Thank you!

- What's in these boxes, Terry? - Oh, by the way, we're having

a little housewarming party tonight.

- Housewarming? - Yeah.

Few of the boys, few of the little girls.

Liven you up a little bit, you know what I mean?

Nice one, son.

Where you going?

Ah, yes...

Alright?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Turn it down, Steve. Steve...

Good boy.

Listen, just wanna say a couple of words.

Firstly, I just wanna thank everybody for coming tonight

it's so fucking lovely to see you all, as usual.

And...

Everybody, cos it really makes a difference

when you throw an invite out and people show, it's lovely.

Secondly...

I've got a very, very, very special new pal in my life.

He's an absolutely genuine geezer.

Absolute diamond, I love him to death.

And if it weren't for him, there would be no party tonight.

So I just want to say a massive thank you

to that very, very, very, very special man.

Down there, don't fucking make that face!

Simon!

Simon!

Come on!

Now, everybody join in with me cos this is from the heart.

Simon!

Simon! Simon! Simon!

Simon, Simon...

Hello?

You alright in there?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Is that you, Ronnie?

What's up, mate?

I can't fucking do it anymore.

It's just a bad day. I've had a few, remember?

I'm done.

It's fucked.

Nah... It's over.

I know what you mean, mate, but I promise you it'll change.

- Come on, Rocket Ronnie! - Rocket Ronnie.

I wanna smash that fucking bell in that cunt's face.

Just a couple more hours, I'll go and buy you a pint, eh?

- That's it. - Yeah...

That's more like it.

What a twat!

First in the measure!

- Oh, my God... - OK.

I'm gonna go for a cigarette.

- Can I have a fag? - Yeah.

You cunt, fucking telling me training.

He said he'd be training tonight.

Standing there having a fucking drink.

Fuckin' true story.

There you are.

You OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, you sure?

You seem distracted.

No, no, I'm fine.

OK.

Late one, was it?

Why?

I thought we were training last night?

Were we? I fancied going to the pub.

Sorry, I forgot all about it.

You forgot.

Well, we can make it up now, no?

Yeah, I suppose we can.

I don't like being letting down.

It was only one session.

It's a trust thing.

I really trusted you and then you go and do that to me.

It's just a gym, I'm here now.

I've had people break my heart...

all my life.

Are you joking?

My old man used to lie to me all the time.

All I ever wanted was...

was some affection and a cuddle, you know?

But the closest thing I ever got to love from him was...

was tattooed on his right fist.

I'm not your father, mate.

I'm sorry, it's not the same thing.

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

It's not your fault, it's just, um...

It's me, I've just got some issues

I'm dealing with, that's all.

We all have issues.

It's what makes us human, you know.

Not like this.

See, I get close to people.

Really close to people, and then they let me down.

And I can't forgive them. I want to but I...

I can't.

I am genuinely sorry.

I promise, I'll let you know next time.

Let's have a good session, eh?

Come on, I really feel like it today.

Yeah.

There you go.

Fucking hell, what you doing?

I've been thinking about this.

I think it's time that you stepped up a gear.

No, that stuff's not for me, mate.

I'm not asking ya.

I'm telling ya, because you see this?

That's Test Prop, that's man juice.

- I don't want it. - Tough fucking shit.

You're getting it.

I'm not OK with needles.

Don't be a fucking wimp.

You won't even feel it, you won't even notice it.

It's like a little prick.

Fuck it. Go on then.

Keep still.

Fucking hell, that really hurt.

That'd cost you a fucking bullseye anywhere else

you got it for nish.

Great. I didn't even want it.

Come on, good, that's it...

Good.

Three, good, four, five...

Six, come on, good...

Seven...

eight...

nine... Come on, one more, my love.

One more, my love. One more, my love. Good boy.

I'm loving it, I'm loving it, I'm loving it.

Alright... Shrugs.

Monster!

Yeah, come on!

Let's go, let's go. Come on, one, two, three...

four, five, six, seven

eight, nine, ten, squeeze.

Keep squeezing, keep squeezing

feel the fucking pain, feel the pain...

Good boy.

Loving it, loving it, loving it.

Fuck!

No, no, we're regulated by OFSTED

and the National Board of Photographers.

I just said go to the website

and look at the terms and conditions.

It's all above board.

Yeah.

I can see why you wouldn't be bothered.

It's no skin off my nose.

I don't blame you, love, it's a scam.

Yeah. It's a load of old shit.

You got a problem, Steve?

Eh?

Simon, what you doing?

I'm reading the paper. What does it look like?

But you haven't got anything on the board though?

Yeah, I can see that.

Why don't you get on the phones then?

Why don't you fuck off, then?

- What? - You heard, you fucking twat.

Just calm down.

Calm down!

Leave it!

Ah, fuck off, Ron! You can fuck off an' all.

Fucking calm down, eh! Fucking hell!

Eh? You fucking...

What's that, eh? Ding-ding, ding-ding.

There you go.

Fucking come on...

- Yeah, yeah, Ron. - Oh, fuck. Just come on.

Yeah?

Get off him, man!

Fucking hell!

Come on! Get out, get out, get out!

You can't blame the Test.

You've been wanting to do that for ages.

The gear just gave you the courage, that's all.

But I've never really lost my temper before. Not like that.

I mean, I couldn't see straight, I lost it.

That's because you're becoming a real man.

Yeah, a real skint one.

You know what? Fuck 'em. You'll get another job.

I was there a year, now I can't get a reference.

I've got it.

Why don't you come and work for me for a while?

Don't need charity, Terry.

It's not charity, is it? How's it charity, Simon?

I need help, there's things needs doing

there's deliveries and shit.

The only question is can you drive?

Yeah, sure.

Well, there you go, I need the help.

You'll be perfect for it.

Maybe.

Ah, just reminded me

there's another little favour I need to ask ya

and this could be perfect timing.

Yeah?

You're never gonna believe this.

I've got a good friend

whose looking for a place to live for a few months

and I said that she could come and live with us for a bit.

I'm not sure, Terry. Who is she?

A really good friend.

Would I lie to ya? I'm talking a really good friend.

She's going through it at the moment.

Between me and you, the courts have taken her daughter away.

She's distraught, she's upset.

She needs my support, she needs our support.

Well, can I think about it?

Well, I've gone and told her now, she's all excited.

What is the problem with you?

There's no problem, just you've not been here five minutes

and now you're inviting strangers to come live with us.

Why'd they take her daughter in the first place?

She's got loads of dirty, tasty, filthy mates.

I need time.

You don't! What you need is more rent coming in.

See, I think...

you should give it a go.

She's a lovely, sincere, homely girl.

Simon, meet Crystal.

Hi!

- Hi. - Hello.

Thanks for this.

I am gonna look after both of ya.

No problem.

Terry tell me that your missus left ya.

- Yeah. - Don't you worry, darling

cos I'm gonna introduce you to all of my friends.

You're cute, you know.

She's just being friendly, it's alright.

I'm always friendly.

- Just gonna nip upstairs. - Yeah.

Aw...

Poor love.

He needs cheering up.

Why don't we have a party?

- A party. - Yes!

A fucking party, liven him up a little bit!

- Yes! - You look unbelievable!

You ever been to prison, Terry?

Who you been talking to?

No one.

I thought you mentioned it before.

Yeah.

How long did you do?

Five years in the Ville.

Five years, really? How was it?

Absolutely loved it, good times.

You serious?

What's not to love?

Good gyms, good friends, proper routine.

If you ain't afraid to go to the shovel

you can be the hardest man in the world.

What d'you do?

Rape. You using that talc?

You are joking?

Look.

That's it for today.

Was that a joke?

Too many questions, Si.

Alright, Big Dave.

Looking good, man.

Robbie.

- Seem to be in a hurry? - Steve about?

Yeah, he's just over there.

Great.

Alright, Steve, here you go.

Those are the boxes, are they?

- Yeah. - Right, aye.

You're fucking late, like, aren't ya?

Where you been?

Took a wrong turn, sorry about that.

- That's all good, right? - I'll check it. Right.

- Cheers, man. - See ya later.

See you next week. OK, Rob.

See ya, man.

Good.

Good, squeeze at the top, squeeze at the top.

You know the drill.

I'm having a party tomorrow night.

What?

Well, we're having a party.

Again?

I don't really feel like it.

Why, what's the issue?

Well, no issue, it's just...

I still miss her, you know.

Oh, please!

You're not still crying about that one?

Look, birds are fine until they find you out.

And then it's time to get a new one. You've got to move on.

Find me out?

I wasn't doing anything wrong.

You need cheering up and we need a proper blowout.

- I'm not sure that's the answer. - It's always the answer.

And it gets you training harder.

- How'd you work that out? - Dopamine and serotonin.

Yeah, it depletes them.

Yeah, then the training puts it back, don't it?

You gotta keep pushing that body harder and harder.

Yeah, not with booze and drugs though.

How can that be good? You told me to give up!

You know what you are?

You're a fucking little bore.

Go on, girl, go on.

Go for it!

Go on, get out of here...

Go for it, get in.

That's it. Harder, harder.

Make them bounce, make them bounce.

Keep it up...

Ah, here he is!

You alright, love?

Yeah, fine.

Great party, mate, weren't it, eh?

Yeah, it was, yeah.

Till a certain point, then I blacked out.

Don't remember a thing.

- Very convenient for ya. - Yeah...

Amnesia.

Oh...

Is that what they call it?

What do you mean?

Really short memory of yours.

I don't remember what happened.

I'm really sorry if I was out of order.

You protest too much.

Leave him alone.

I'm sorry again.

I was fucked, I...

just remember waking up and you were both in my bed

and then I might've had flashbacks but nothing more.

Please tell me what I did.

Listen, it was nothing to worry about, love.

As usual, things got a little, uh...

out of hand.

I mean, you and Terry did take things a little bit far!

Aw, look, you've upset him now!

Leave him, he'll be alright.

Nah, go after him.

No, I'm watching this.

Oh yeah, apparently I've got a kid now?

Oh... Sorry, I forgot to tell you about that one.

Yeah, you bloody did.

Let's go and get him out of his room.

Come on, love.

- Leave him. - What?

Go and get your little training partner.

I said no.

You know what, they're so cute together.

They go to the gym together

and they wear matching little outfits.

Oh, come on, let's go and get him out his pit.

He ain't been out of there in days.

Yeah, and you know why, don't ya?

Because he's been funny with me since the party.

- Oh, stop being so sensitive! - I'm not being sensitive.

He thinks he's above me.

He thinks he's above everybody in this room.

Don't you get it?

I'm done with it.

I'm just cruising at the minute, so I'm taking

two shots of Test and Amphe a week.

So that's like 600 milligrams a week.

That's just me cruising, you see.

How's it make you feel? Fucking like a man?

Makes us feel like a 20-year-old again.

Yeah, I love it!

It's fucking great, mate.

So my little order I put in last week

you're on top it, yeah? It's coming Thursday?

- Yeah, yeah. - Good man.

Definitely, yeah, yep.

- Don't let me down. - No, I won't.

I promise you, man.

You had a home, you had a kid.

What happened?

I picked up a drink one day

and within two months, I was sleeping under a...

under a bridge.

How bad is the drinking?

It's pretty bad.

Blackouts, sickness every morning, diarrhoea. It's, uh...

How much do you drink?

On average, eight to ten...

What's the worst thing you've done under the influence?

What are you most ashamed of?

Alright?

Yeah, just a bit tired.

- Gonna grab an early night. - Oh...

See you in the morning then, yeah?

Night, night.

You better go and talk to that little prick.

- Why? - Go and cheer him up.

No, no, I've done enough for him.

I've got him a job, I've got him fit

I'll tell you what he is.

I'll tell you exactly what he is, he's a spoilt little brat.

- But you have to, don't ya? - Fuck him.

Go and give him a pep talk! We've come this far, ain't we?

- Do I have to? - Yes, you do.

Calm down, alright?

Yeah?

What's up?

Nothing.

When you say nothing, I know there's something.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about it now.

Not seen you at the gym for a while.

No, not felt like it.

How about first thing tomorrow morning

me and you, the old A-Team back?

I'll see how I feel.

I've gotta say this.

But you have been so weird since the party.

Yeah, I'm a bit shaken by it, to be honest.

Please, come on, it can't be that bad.

You know what hurts me is the fact that...

I've really gone out of my way...

and I finally...

finally felt that me and you were getting to know each other.

And we was.

It's just...

I'm not sure what I'm doing at the moment.

I'm not sure what's going on in my life.

But I've helped you, ain't I?

I mean, I have gone out of my way

like I've never gone out of my way for anybody.

I know you have and I'm really grateful

it's just that... What the fuck?

Calm down, just calm down, please, calm down.

Calm down, Simon.

I'm not gay, Terry.

And I'm not a poof.

I swear to you I'm not a poof, I'm no pillow-biter.

What was that then?

It was just affection, it was just affection!

I swear to ya. If you don't like it, it's fine.

I'll never do it again, I promise ya.

No, I'm not into that. I don't know why you thought I would be.

You didn't mind at the party, did ya?

I don't remember the party, Terry. Fucking hell, man.

You say you don't remember

but every time I look in them eyes...

I know you do.

I really don't.

You've made me feel ashamed, Simon, do you know that?

You've made me feel ashamed coming up here

because I wanted to do the right thing

because I care about you, and I didn't want...

The thought of you being up here on your own.

I just wanted to cheer you up, that's all

because you're my mate.

But now I know it was a mistake, and I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry, right?

I'm sorry if... I gave you the wrong idea

if I misled you in any way.

But I'm not like that.

I've got some more work, if you want it.

What sort of work, driving?

No, no, no.

Much more than driving.

Because I thought about it and I made a decision

to step you up because you deserve it.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Night then.

I said "goodnight", Simon.

Yeah, night.

Well?

He's a baby, is what he is.

Is he any better?

Yeah.

I got him feeling a lot better.

Ah, there you go.

You got your little boyfriend back.

Told you so, didn't I?

You've done really well.

So proud of you, do you know that?

Thanks, love.

- That means the world to me. - Hm...

Shall we?

- What, here? - Yeah, why not?

I wanna stick it in you hard right now.

Ah, I gotta watch this first.

Can't you tape it?

Please? Just...

I said I wanna watch this first.

That's the thing about preacher curls

no matter what you do

you cannot cheat on them fuckers.

Tell me about it!

My arms feel like balloons now!

Right, what you doing now?

Go home and have a shake, I think, yeah?

I'm going to the pub, mate, you coming?

Nah, don't fancy boozing this evening.

You are definitely, definitely becoming

a little bit of a wimp, mate.

I thought you had more going on and more to ya.

I just had a good session

I don't fancy drinking straight away.

Ooh, whatever!

Get in there!

Come on...

Let's get nasty!

Let's get nasty!

Go on!

Let's get going now! Come on.

Tighter!

That's better!

Yes, go on!

Let's go again!

Brilliant! Brilliant!

So where is one's fine lady Crystal tonight, Tel?

Where do you fucking think?

She's somewhere with some fucking geezer

with her arse in the air

getting fucking smashed up the bottle.

You know why?

No, no, no, let me just tell you this.

This is a fucking secret.

I love her. Yeah?

But she loves cock more.

Other geezers' cocks.

A bit like Simon, eh?

Fucking joke.

All the time, I tell her I love her all the time.

She don't fucking take a blind bit of notice.

Because of that cunt!

Simon!

Simple fucking Simon!

Get him down, Tel.

Simple Simon!

- Get him down! - Simple Simon!

Simple Si...

Put the shits right up him, aye?

Fuck, that's him, he's fell out of bed.

- Simon! - Simon!

Hope you ain't playing with your fucking private parts!

Tel, does he know, has he got any idea?

No, he ain't got a fucking clue.

- Really? - Nothing!

Well... How long do you think we've got then?

Not long. Couple of weeks?

Couple of weeks max, yeah.

And then what?

Kami-fucking-kaze, Tel!

Operation Kamikaze!

But let me just say this.

I'm moving it forward.

Patience, man. - No, fuck patience!

I'm moving it forward, he's just a mug.

As soon as that cunt arrives in France

- it's all over for him. - Still got him delivering?

Every fucking day.

Driving around in that van

thinks he's selling fucking choc ices.

- Mr Whippy! - Giving it like... his face.

He ain't got a clue!

He ain't got a clue what he's got in the van!

Well, get him down, eh?

Honestly, get them knives, man.

Show him what the fuck is going on, man.

Go on then. Go up there.

Open that door

- and give him a fucking... - Go on, Simon!

I'm coming!

Whoa, watch that.

Simon!

- Simon! - Fuck him.

Si, there's a lovely big fat line down here for you, son!

- Simon, Simon, Simon! - Get the fuck on!

His face the other night. Simon, Simon...

Simon! Simon! Simon!

Simon! Simon! Simon!

Simon...

- Hello. - Good morning.

- You alright, son? - Yeah.

Didn't keep you awake last night, did we?

Awake? No, why?

Nah, it's just that I had a few of the boys back late

and it got a bit naughty.

No, didn't hear anything.

Oh, by the way.

I got some absolutely blinding news for you.

- Big job. - Oh, yeah?

I mean a proper big job.

A lot of money, parcels need taking.

OK.

To Dover.

- Sorry? - I said Dover.

And proper money.

OK.

Can you meet me in an hour?

- Sure. - You got a pen?

Oi, oi! Here he is.

Fucking took your time, didn't ya?

Simon, this is Big Dave, he's gonna show you where to go.

- Alright, Dave. - Simon.

What, you off?

I got fish to fry, mate.

I'll see you in a couple of days.

Sorry?

- When you get back from France. - France?

You are going on a nice little break.

Listen, there's an envelope in there with the boxes.

All the info's in there, all taken care of.

Please enjoy yourself.

What?

It's a little trip, cheer you up.

You've been down in the dumps lately

and I think this is the perfect tonic

just to bring you back up.

I can't go to France.

I don't have my passport, for one.

You do, it's in there with the other gear.

What? How?

Well, Crystal found it in your bedroom.

She's a good girl, she is.

You went in my room and found me passport?

I didn't! Crystal did to save fucking time.

Why would you go in my room? I don't want you going in my room.

Come on, it's done now.

It's all written down what you gotta do.

I've gone out of my way

to get you a little bit of spending money.

Now, all you need to do is deliver this lot

pick something else up and come back in a couple of days.

You been to France before, ain't ya?

Yeah, I have, I don't wanna go.

Where's your sense of adventure?

What else are you gonna be fucking doing?

That's not the fucking point though, is it!

Dave, show him what to do, put him through the drill.

You'll have a good time.

- Is that the lot then? - That's it.

Just make sure this gets there on time.

Kamikaze.

As soon as that cunt arrives in France

it's all over for him.

Kamikaze.

No, fuck patience, I'm moving it forward.

He's just a mug!

Kami-fucking-kaze!

Terry!

Tel?

Tel?

Tel?

The photos...

Oh, fuck!

You fucking evil bastard.

Ah, fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck you!

You cunt! You cunt! You cunt!

He's fucking dead.

Alright, Paul?

Alright, buddy, how you doing, alright?

Yeah.

You seen Ken?

Yeah, mate, he's just gone to the shitter.

Oh, OK.

Listen, you know Terry?

Yeah, just missed him. Just missed him.

Yeah, I know.

How long's he worked here?

Work here, mate? He doesn't work here.

But he's a trainer here, right? He's a personal trainer.

The only person I've seen him train, buddy, is you.

But he told me he had other clients.

Clients? No, mate, I think he's winding you up.

Just you, buddy, sorry.

What do you know about him?

What d'you mean, "What do I know about him?"

Who the fuck are you? You could be fucking PC Plod, mate.

- I don't know you from Adam. - Oh, I look like PC Plod?

Listen, you wanna find out, ask him yourself, mate.

Oh, thanks friend.

Anytime, buddy.

You must have an address or something for him.

Just... All I need is an address.

Data protection confidentiality.

Oh, data protection yeah? You fucking...

Tell you what...

Yeah, run. Run like the little prick that you are!

Hi, I wonder if you can help?

I'm trying to locate a relative of mine.

I know they shop with you, his name's Terry.

Do you know what's happened, his daughter...

you know, she's had an allergy...

She's got a peanut allergy

and she's been rushed to hospital.

Like, her lips have blown up and everything.

She's in pretty critical condition, yeah.

Yep, go on.

Excellent. Oh, that is... Thank you so much.

Can I ask you a question?

I believe Terry used to live here.

What?

Terry, big guy, you remember him?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've got this address down as where Terry used to live.

It's a diner.

Does anyone live upstairs?

Are you winding me up?

No, I have this place down as a residential address.

I'm just asking you!

- Alright? - Alright?

No, I'm not fucking alright, where are ya?

Around.

Are you in France?

- No. - Where are you then?

You're supposed to be in fucking France.

I changed my mind.

Well, you better fucking un-change it

and get fucking over there now.

I'm not going, Terry.

What are you playing at?

Where are you now?

Can't say.

What d'you mean you can't say? Tell me where you are now.

- I'm done, Terry. - You're done?

Well, I tell you something now, you listen to me.

You need to get over to France

because you're working for me now.

I've got people waiting

and you're gonna fuck up this deal!

I've seen the photos, Terry.

You know, your little trophy photos.

Did you hear me?

You hear what I said?

Where are you now?

I'm gonna go to the police.

What you did.

What you did was very, very wrong.

Listen to me, you soppy fat mug.

Tell me where you are

or I'm gonna come looking for you, I swear.

I'm going to the police.

Name.

Simon Barrett.

Do you know the man in these photos?

For the benefit of the tape

I'm showing Mr Barrett the photographs.

Yes.

What is your relationship with this man?

He's my housemate.

What's his name?

Terry.

Surname?

I don't know.

Oh, Mr Barrett, you seriously trying to tell me

you don't know your housemate's surname?

- He didn't tell me. - He never told you.

Well, do you rent from him?

No, he rents from me.

So, you have a contract?

An agreement, something in writing?

No, not really, it all happened so fast, you know.

I was going through a bit of a rough time and, um...

he paid me upfront and then I forgot.

I was stressed.

Yeah.

I'm sure you were.

What's that supposed to mean?

These images that you gave us.

These are of a very serious nature.

I mean, you do understand that, don't you, sir?

Well, obviously, sir.

That's why I'm giving them to you.

What's with the attitude, Mr Barrett?

There's no attitude.

I'm bringing them to you

because I can see that they're very wrong.

If I was to say the name Trevor Richards...

Ring any bells?

Trevor Richards?

No. Why?

We have reason to believe

the man in these photographs is Trevor Richards.

Who is Trevor Richards?

Trevor Richards is a man living in your house right now.

What do you know about him?

Does he know you were coming here today?

No.

Well, not exactly, I might have, um...

I might have threatened him.

So he does know?

Yeah, but I don't think he believed me.

What now?

You can start by writing down your statement.

Is he capable of arson?

Why do you ask?

Because of my house, I'm worried about my house.

I don't think you quite understand.

You're going nowhere

until you tell us everything that we need to know.

Have you got that?

Yeah.

I'll be back in a minute.

Trevor!

Trevor!

Fuck.

Ee-oh...

O-ee-oh...

Ee-oh...

O-ee-oh.

Ee-oh.

O-ee-oh.

Ee-oh... O-ee-oh.

Ee-oh.

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