Original subtitles

[Patrick] You wanna make the base useful?

Let us build something useful on the base.

But in order to do that, of course,

I have to charm the Appropriations Committee.

And then we have to deal with those vacuous vote whores

in Washington, D.C.

It's a vicious cycle. Ooh. [sniffs]

-[Celeste] That's... -Oh, my God!

That really opened up.

We agreed I had the night off.

Oh, yeah. Listen, it's your anniversary.

Happy anniversary. [chuckles]

-Thank you. -We can talk about it tomorrow.

Oh, well, tomorrow's Saturday and we're-

We should hit it hard Monday,

the universal day for starting work.

And also, funding requests aren't due

-for another six weeks, so. -I know.

But the key to staying one step ahead

is being two step ahead at all times.

Last summer, we weren't,

and we got some funding, for what?

The stupid Frisbee Golf Course that nobody likes.

Well, it's actually called disc golf,

and it's pretty popular.

I played with some people in college.

The "throw-bros."

Yeah, but now we're soldiers,

not stoner virgins afraid of real sports.

Listen, you guys enjoy.

It's your anniversary, enjoy the dinner.

And, uh, I'm takin' this with me.

-Um, that, that's... -Yes, that's his wine.

-You can have mine. -Mm-hmm.

[claps]

-[exhales deeply] -Abe.

Did you not tell him we're going away this weekend?

No, I did. He just hasn't approved my leaves yet.

But don't worry about that. I succeed in getting leave

-last minute before. Yeah. -Oh.

After a protracted game of cat and mouse

I was able to attend

-half my uncle's funeral. -Oh.

-[sighs] Thank you. -Oh!

From the colonel.

"Congrats. No one thought you'd make it."

Did you get the note?

[theme music]

So, hey, I just wanted to run something by ya. Um...

It's Celeste's idea, but I'm on board too.

-It's a little unconventional. -Oh, I know what's goin' on.

She wants to do weird sex stuff, right?

-Oh, no, no, no. -You know, what happens is

when a relationship starts to go south over marriage...

-Yeah. -they read a Cosmo article,

and next thing you know, fingers are going

places they should never be going.

-Right. Uh-huh. -Listen. You're vanilla.

-Yeah. Yeah, it is okay. -And that's okay.

Hey, 'cause vanilla is the world's most popular flavor

-for a reason. -Yeah.

[Jan] A little help for me?

Look at this. This why I hate Saturdays. Huh.

'Cause it's like you and me are the only two people working.

We sure are. I just need to ask you

for this weekend off for my anniversary once again.

You know, I promise to work the next five Saturdays,

which is plenty of time to finish by the deadline.

I don't want to cut it that close.

And also, I-I gave you a day to celebrate your anniversary.

That's all you need.

You celebrate a day in your life with a day.

...my little Frisbee go? Have you seen a little disc?

Hey, Jan. This yours?

-Yes. It has my name on it. -Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Let me show you something, pal. This disc belongs to me now.

-[whispers] Oh, my God. -What are you doin' here?

I thought you were going on your big trip to Bruges.

I saw Celeste's anniversary post that said

y'all were "cruising for a Brugin'."

We were supposed to go today,

but then the colonel's makin' me work.

Can't you just have somebody filling in?

Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna go to the Shah Store

and find some extra Shah. Watch some Shah and Order.

I'm so sorry. I-I'm freaking out right now.

-Okay? -Okay, look.

I have people fill in for me all the time.

Remember last week when we had that inventory meeting on Zoom?

That wasn't me. That was Regina from Special Ops.

Okay, but she did a presentation.

Yeah, we face-swapped and she lip-synced.

All you need to do is find yourself

a Regina and swap her in.

Okay, so it's like the Indiana Jones hand switch thing.

He swapped the golden statue for a bag of sand.

I just need to find a bag of sand.

-Mm-hmm. -A bag of sand...

with nothing better to do.

[Papadakis] Dare me to drink this hot sauce.

-We share a bathroom, so no. -Too late.

-Oh! -That's a good bag of sand.

-Yeah, it really is. -I need to go use our bathroom.

No, no, just use the, use the Teen Center.

I'm not gonna... Uh... [groans]

[knocking on door]

Hey.

-Hey. -Come on in.

-Is everything okay? -Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Oh, no, I-I mean, you did comment

on Celeste's anniversary post, so.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's the polite thing to do.

Yeah, you also commented, "#lovewins"

-with six fire emojis. -Yeah, yeah.

That's, I mean, it had to be convincing.

Uh, well, I'm not convinced.

So that's why I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you okay?

[chuckles] Would a person who's not okay

be pullin' off a hat like this?

Oh, and you are pullin' it off.

-You know what? -I knew it.

-What is this? -It is Ros� All Day Pink.

Okay, look, I know that you're not over the situation

with Celeste and Shah, but this is no time

to be making emotionally charged hair choices.

It's not. It's just a streak.

-A terrible streak. Yeah. -Yeah, a terrible streak.

That's it. [sighs] I'm taking you off-base.

You never take me off-base. Especially on the weekends.

You didn't even let me drive you to urgent care that time.

They found your car in a ditch.

I'm willing to make an exception

in light of this cry-for-help streak.

We gotta get this fixed ASAP. You comin' with me to my salon.

-[chuckles] Okay. -[Dana] Don't forget

that off-the-base privileges

can be revoked immediately if you can't hang.

[scoffs] Oh, I can hang.

-Uh! No hat. -No hat.

-And go change. -Yeah, of course.

-I'm cha... Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

Listen, in the words of my grandmother,

when I pushed her down the slip-and-slide,

"I just don't think this is a good idea."

The colonel already loves you.

-Really? -Yeah.

Yeah, it's unconditional.

-Hey. -It's there.

No, he doesn't. Not yet, at least.

Listen, people need to be exposed to me in low doses

to build up a tolerance. It's like babies with peanuts, right?

Now, if I give the colonel just a little bit

of PapaD every day, 20 years from now,

-he's best man at my wedding. -Uh, what about if I teach you

everything you need to know, and then we can cut it down to ten?

-[sighs] -Come on.

I don't know if I'm gonna meet a model

that likes me by then.

Who am I kidding? Okay.

I got pretty good people instincts.

And I know when someone's desperate like this,

you should probably trust him.

-I'm in. -[chuckles excitedly]

-Yeah? -What do I need to bring?

Nothing, just your computer

and a high tolerance for verbal abuse.

All right, what snacks? Like sweet or savory snacks?

Oh, you don't need to worry about that.

The colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working.

It's his perfect food. Meat gum.

Oh, and by the way, under no circumstances

defend waiting in lines,

Geneva conventions or Paddington.

So let's go. I got a train to catch. Come on.

[instrumental music]

Hey, thank you so much for bringing me

to your cool, secret salon.

Okay, I'm just a regular person.

Always good to see you, Zelda.

-Oh, yes! -[lips smacking]

[both laugh]

Why is she calling you Zelda?

Look, me bringing you to my salon

and me lettin' you in on my personal life

are two different things.

I live in a moral gray area.

I don't think people know much about me.

Well, you know my deepest, darkest secrets.

-They're not that dark. -One day they might be.

I'm-I'm-I'm just trying to get you to open up.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. Well, I'll be right back.

Yes.

[door creaks]

[exhales sharply]

-[slaps] -Oh.

And now they're kissing. Okay. Um...

-Hey. Hey. Hey. -[indistinct chatter]

Is everything, uh, chill out here?

Yeah, we're chill.

Who is this blowout with the sad eyes?

-Your new partner? -Don't worry about it.

She hasn't taught me anything either.

Well, I got it over the border.

You can take it from here.

Hi. Oh.

Yikes. [chuckles] Seems like a tricky situation.

Is she, um, like a friend of yours or Zelda's?

Maggie, we talked about this.

-No, we didn't. -Oh, yeah, we did.

No, we didn't. And I would like to.

[instrumental music]

It's like hacking with some friends.

-Hey! -What's up, colonel?

-Uh... -What's he doin' here?

Oh, well, with only six weeks to write our three-page request,

we need a shortcut. And Papadakis here is our shortcut.

He's gonna hack into the other base's proposals

and give us an unfair advantage.

-I like the sound of that. -[Abraham] Yeah.

Fairness is overrated. Ah, ah, ah. Hey!

You have not earned meat gum, my friend.

Okay.

Well, I'm already in the USAG V-spotted backdoor.

Looks like they're...

requesting $5 million to promote...

[keyboard clacks]

-mental health. -Unbelievable.

What a bunch of Paddingtons, right?

-[Patrick] Hmm. -We don't need to go

near controversial topics.

No, no, no.

What is your opinion of Paddington, soldier?

There's another word for a bear

that lives in your house rent-free,

eating your marmalade. A bum.

-Hmm, that's the one. -[Patrick] Thank you.

This little bear, he's got no job, but he's got a briefcase.

What's in the briefcase? You tell me.

I'll tell you what's in the briefcase. Not pants.

He doesn't wear any. You know what?

I like to cut of your jib.

Have yourself some meat gum.

Hey. Okay. All right, look at this dynamic duo.

It's like, uh, I don't even need to be here, right?

-What? -What am I doing here, right?

-What are you doing here? -Hmm.

I like hackin'. I know it's a nerd word.

But it's the only thing about computers I think sounds tough.

Like Gene Hackman, Hacksaw Ridge.

Wow, I really wish I knew something about computers.

Since today's task seems pretty computer dependent.

We're okay here. I think you can go ahead

and take your little trip now.

-Trip? Oh, the trip. -Yep. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I actually totally forgot about it.

I mean, I could check on tickets if they're still available,

-I don't know. -Great. Go have fun.

-And we'll see you later. -If you need me, you know...

All right, you can get out of here, bud.

Just, you know, makin' sure you're all set.

-Dynamic duo. -[Patrick] All right, bye.

You ever seen...

Indiana Jones?

When he pulls the little sandbag switch

and he thinks he got away with it till the big boulder

comes rumblin' thunderin' down after him.

You know why? 'Cause the boulder wasn't fooled.

I'm the boulder.

I only saw the one with Shia LaBeouf.

I'm-I'm a bit lost here.

[instrumental music]

So you, uh, you seem pretty down,

and I'm just wondering if it has anything to do

with that woman who kissed you

and slapped you and gave you a bag.

What's in the bag?

Nothing you need to worry about.

Well, no, I'm not worried, I'm just, you know,

asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends answer.

I gotta go in here. I'll be right back.

[suspenseful music]

[Dana] I know it's last minute.

Yeah, it's over three kilos,

but I'll-I'll still take care of it for you.

Oh, I appreciate you, Lars. You know, I owe you, right?

-Do you wanna leave it here or? -Oh, no, no, no.

I feel much safer with it with me.

-[sneezes] -Bless you.

Ooh.

[instrumental music]

-That's just my friend. -You know what?

There was no way anything was gonna stop

this anniversary trip, and the colonel

-was pretty cool about it. -Yeah?

Not that I'm thinkin' about the colonel, but you know what?

Just call me Colin Farrell, because my head

is already in Bruges.

-Woo-hoo. -Oh!

I guess that makes me Brendan Gleeson.

-Oh! Well, he's a good actor. -[Patrick] Hey!

-Hey, a little help? -Hey.

You guys, uh, headin' out

on your little anniversary trip, huh?

Sure are. Yeah. What are you two doin' out here?

I thought you were working and that you hated disc golf.

You know what? I apologize for that.

Because now I realize the error in my ways.

Papadakis and I were working away, my-my brain was melting,

staring at that computer while we were hacking,

and he said, I know the perfect antidote.

He says, "disc golf." Before I can say no, he says,

-"how can you say no..." -...no.

-Mm-hmm. -"before you say..."

-...say yes? -Wow!

Anyways, so now I guess we're...

-kind of throw bros. -[Abraham] Oh, wow.

-You got a handshake, too. -That so nice for you guys.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Well, we'll see you guys on, uh, Monday.

Just one second. Just one second here.

Okay, so this is kind of funny,

because I brought in Papadakis here as glorified IT.

-I know. -Yeah, here you are

just-just hittin' it off.

We've got this natural dynamic. It's like-

-It just works. -Do you?

Yeah, push-pull.

Yin-yang. Lennon and McCartney.

-We're makin' music together. -Making music.

Crazy, yeah. Here's the thing about him.

-That's... Yeah. Yeah. -He...

-He's not a yes man. -You know what?

[Papadakis] Yeah, he's gonna say something.

I love a good challenge.

Why don't we make this a foursome?

You and your friend versus me...

-and my friend. Wife. -Wife.

-We're never gonna be friends. -Let's go.

We got this. Let's go. Huh? Huh!

-Latte? -No, I'm actually gonna go back.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

And it's a small town, distinctive shoes, so.

You should try having secrets that I could discover, yeah?

-Hm? -Hm. [chuckles]

Uh...

[instrumental music]

[woman on speaker] Find your way back to Warrior Two.

Stretch those arms to the left and come back to center.

Jan.

[woman on speaker] Now to the other side.

Reach all the way.

-Jan. -Shh!

Namaste, Maggie Quinn.

Sorry. I just need your help with something.

I knew this moment would come,

and I am flattered that you asked,

but I simply cannot donate any more sperm.

Apparently, now my chromosomes

are a threat to genetic diversity.

No, that's... No, thank you.

I just need you to tell me, in your expert opinion,

if this bag is full of drugs.

If you can't remember, there's a good chance it is.

It's not my bag. It is my friend's bag.

And why don't you just open it, then? Let's see.

Well, that would violate my friend's trust.

But if I had to guess, I would say that it feels like

three kilos of something very powdery.

Three kilos? Give it here.

[exhales]

-Oh. -Yeah, I'm sorry to inform you,

-but this bag is not drugs. -You're sure?

Honey, I've been escorted out of Amsterdam twice.

-Yes, I'm sure. -Okay.

Well, that is a relief to hear. Y'know, I mean, the drugs part.

Everything you said is very disturbing.

What are you doing? I said don't open it.

Oh, yes. That is something you said.

-Yeah. -Yeah, my short term memory

is not good on account of real drugs.

But you'll be happy to hear that

your friend's cremated remains

appear to be in excellent condition.

-Cremated remains? -Hm.

Shh.

[whispers] Cremated remains? Why would...

Why would she be smuggling cremated remains

-across the border? -Sometimes you just have to

make a body disappear.

And even the local police are scary good

-at finding DNA these days. -Bah!

And I'm sort of an expert on DNA

on account of all the sperm I give out.

[chain jingling]

[instrumental music]

Let me show you how we do it at SUNY Binghamton.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

Oh-ho! Gun. Gun. Gun.

-What? -Relax. It's a BB gun.

Yeah, we're not playing the normal crap ways.

-Playing colonel rules. -[Patrick] That's right.

It's more interesting. Makes it harder.

Okay, if we leave right now,

we could still make it to dinner at the Pizza Hut

in the 500-year-old castle. And I know you want to do that.

That sounds lame-bos.

I like you 'cause you speak, everything you have on your mind

comes right out of your mouth. You know what?

You're gonna make a great XO one day.

Even for me, maybe.

-Oh! -Oh! Hey!

-Shah's rules. -Abe, why? He's bleeding.

-Oh, my God. -Are you okay?

Totally unprovoked attack

-on an innocent bystander. -Unprovoked?

-Yes. -One minute I'm the only guy

in the world who can help you, and the next,

you're flipping discs with this guy

because you both hate Paddington.

You know, you should be one talking to people

about how they're treated.

You've been Indiana Jonesing me

this whole time? I can't believe you did this to me.

You know, first you, first you leave me

for that half a funeral six years ago, and now this?

-Forget it. Yeah, we're done. -I did this to you?

You know what? You know what? I'm gonna give you

the next five weekends off, and you can go visit

all the tiniest countries in Europe

-and have boring sex there. -I'm gonna do it.

-Okay? -Stop it!

You've gone way past being co-workers

to being a codependent obsession.

-We just work together. -Well, we just work together.

I used to blame you for ruining our marriage,

but now I'm realizing it takes two to play Frisbee golf.

And our sex, by the way,

is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes quite kinky.

Okay.

I just wanted a nice weekend

with my husband for our anniversary,

and neither of you wanted to give me that.

The only difference is only one of you

vowed to put me first for the rest of your life.

[Papadakis] That hurts.

And this hurts, too.

My nose.

[instrumental music]

-[knocking on door] -Whoa!

-So I stole your bag. Get in. -You don't say.

-What is going on with you? -I opened the bag.

So I know that there's remains in there

which I can't unknow or unsmell.

And I need you to know that I'm your friend, Dana.

I'm-I'm gonna do whatever I can to help you, okay?

I'll call an attorney.

I'll call a funeral home. I'll call a doctor.

It's probably too late for a doctor, but...

but I will do whatever you ask me, okay?

Because I know that you would do the same for me.

-Maggie. -Yeah.

-They're dog ashes. -They're dog ashes.

-Yes. Mm-hmm. -They're dog ashes?

My sweet little Paprika, to be exact.

Wait, what? [breathes deeply]

Why were you being so secretive about it?

Because I told you repeatedly

I didn't want to talk about it.

Uh, I'm just saying that sometimes

being a friend is just being there.

Well, passivity is not my strong suit.

But-but I'm gonna, you know, get working on that.

[chuckles] I can't believe that you-

Stole the bag? Yeah, yeah, I suck. I'm... [scoffs]

No, I can't believe that you were willing

to do anything for me. Like that is...

That's sweet. You're a real one.

-[instrumental music] -So...

That girl that you saw me arguing with at the salon.

-Okay. -That was actually

my ex-girlfriend, Annie.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

Yeah, we lived together in Germany,

and for some reason,

we kept adopting elderly greyhounds,

which I do not recommend.

Cause at first, they're already like little skeletons,

and then by the end, they're tiny grim reapers

lurking around your home just waiting to break your heart.

-[smacks lips] Oh. -Yeah.

Paprika was the last dog we adopted together.

And when she died a couple weeks ago,

I asked Annie to do me a favor

and drive her ashes across the border

so they didn't get caught up in customs.

And the sketchy guy at the antique store-

Was hooking me up with an urn.

[sighs] I'm so sorry for your loss. Come here.

Okay, I guess talking about things isn't so bad.

Wow, that relationship with your ex seems really complicated.

Yeah, the sharing portion is over.

Okay.

[Celeste] It's ridiculous

-and it-it keeps happening. -I know. I know. Look.

I'm sorry about the trip, okay? I know I do this.

I do blame work and the colonel for our relationship problems,

but you're right. It's my fault, too.

Okay, from now on, when it is our time,

the colonel no longer exists.

[Patrick] Hey, why is the door locked?

-[Celeste] He has a key? -[sighs]

Okay, it's just for emergencies and snacks.

-I will change the locks. -All right, good.

Listen up. Ah. I need you to work next weekend.

-I can't do it. -Yeah. You have to do it.

I'll tell you why, because I was thinkin' about

the appropriations. But we're never gonna get the funding

we need to fix everything that's broken on the base.

I think we turn Stroopsdorf into a destination

for, like, summits and-and peace talks

and maybe even war-planning, okay?

Okay, yeah, secure, low profile destination

with high-end accommodation. Sounds useful.

-But it's a bad time for that. -It's a bad time for that.

Bad time for that.

Okay, I need you

to take this proposal, okay?

To the commander of Benelux

and wait three days for a response

'cause it's time sensitive, okay? And we need permission.

And he is at a conference in Paris.

And I need you to take...

this Public Affairs Officer with you

because she is gonna write the press release

if you, in fact... get permission.

I have always wanted to go to Paris.

[grunts] Yeah.

I'm just gonna grab these pretzels and...

Oh, my God. No, these are the ones I told you to stop getting.

They're too dry. I mean, I'm gonna eat them anyways,

but I'll make a list.

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

-Hey, colonel? -Yeah.

Hey!

-Hey. -Um... Thank you.

Hey, listen, man, I've been through so many divorces

I can smell one coming from a mile away.

I just thought maybe just a little Febreze

to take the stink off.

Look, some of the things I said I didn't mean.

It's just that... this, um...

working relationship... is important to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.

I mean, I'm the, you know, uh...

[inhales] to me,

you're my favorite, uh...

co-worker I've ever had.

Like, I feel like we're really, you know,

we're so, uh... perfect together

that when you go away, I'm like, "what am I gonna do?

Um, who can I co work with?"

And I can't really with anybody, so.

-[instrumental music] -I think I got something

-in my eye right now. -Yeah, me too.

-I got something. -Ah.

-Paprika. -Oh.

Paprika. Oh, that...

That explains it.

-Doesn't... -Yeah.

-It doesn't taste like paprika. -Yeah. [sniffs]

[instrumental music]

Sir. Permission to not be your friend anymore.

Oh, Papadakis that whole thing was fake.

I know it started out that way, but like all great movies,

and it turned into something real.

And I'm just here to let you know

that it is not gonna work out between us.

Hell, I couldn't handle being your fake friend.

I think the real thing would kill me.

Guess what I'm trying to say is goodbye, man.

Goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend.

[thuds]

I didn't earn this meat gum.

Have a good life.

What the hell is going on?

[softly] I think you just got dumped.

[children] It's going so well.

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