Original subtitles

Troops, we're running low on fresh water,

so I must speak against this ridiculous new trend

of handwashing.

Sir, I heard that handwashing prevents dysentery.

Oh, I'm sorry, Collins, are you a physician or a barber?

I didn't think so.

Now, time for my newest invention.

One that shall surely turn the tide in this conflict.

A musket with a spy glass attached. I'm calling it...

the "Eyesaac."

- So just your name? - Right.

But instead of the letter "I,"

I'm spelling it with the word "eye"--

E-Y-E-- at the front.

Point is, close combat will soon be a thing of the past,

because the Eyesaac, E-Y-E,

allows for accurate targeting of up to--

and I kid you not-- 50 yards.

Glory be, I've got eyes on a British officer.

Now, of course it would be dishonorable to engage

while, you know, he's unarmed.

Quite a striking fellow.

He's fit of body,

well-groomed,

ready for action.

Right.

Well, lots of war stuff to do.

Battle is nigh. And remember,

do not shoot them until

you see the green of his eyes.

Their eyes.

Till you see the green of their eyes.

I actually didn't notice if he had green eyes.

They had green eyes.

Oh, I gotta find a way out of this crypt.

I'm not getting eaten by a purple worm.

Eaten by a worm?

This game seems stressful.

This is what Jay does to relax?

Dungeons & Dragons isn't about relaxation,

it's about adventure.

Yeah. Nothing says adventure like eating

a family-size bag of chips by yourself.

Okay, Jay, you're gonna have to make a decision. Do you...

Oh, come on. Not again.

I'm sorry, guys, my Internet - cut out again. - Yeah, we know.

It's happened, like, 20 times already.

Yeah, well, what do you expect? It's rural Internet.

You guys get it. You're from Queens.

That's practically the country.

Jay, we moved downtown, by Brett and Shayla.

You did? Wait.

Who's Brett and Shayla?

You haven't met Brett yet? Okay.

He is hilarious. He fits right in.

We met him at a pub quiz.

Oh...

I'm confused. Is this part of the game?

Unfortunately, I think the only game being played here

is an adult man

trying to maintain long-distance friendships.

I don't get it. Couldn't... a hotspot or something?

Oh, great, you're back. Hey, can you hear me?

Do we just ask Brett to take Jay's spot?

What? Brett can't have my spot. No way.

What are you thinking, should we just kill Jay's character?

No, guys,

I can hear you.

I'm sad to lose Jay. But Brett? Hello?

I hate Brett.

Wow. Hard to imagine

feeling this betrayed by friends.

Didn't your best friend sleep with your wife?

Yes, Sasappis. Thank you for that helpful example.

So you want me to just take down the whole shed?

Yeah, it's kind of an eyesore.

Oh.

What on earth is the meaning of this?

Oh, yeah, this place will come down real easy.

Come down?

I'll have you know these barracks

are the sovereign territory of his Royal Highness

King George III.

And look at this one.

- Gawking. - Sorry.

Mark.

Sorry, Mark.

Uh, just leave the shed.

I have a meeting.

We'll talk later.

- She can see us. - Remarkable.

Indeed.

Hey. Uh, did you guys know there's three British soldiers

from the Revolutionary War living in our garden shed?

Don't worry about them.

They mostly stick to themselves.

They come up to the main house

once every year or so with some dispute or complaint.

They've never gotten over losing the war.

Well, those limeys can wipe their eyes with crumpets.

'Cause this land is, and has always been, American.

Said the guy from Massapequa.

Ever since the war, the agreement's been

the Americans get the house, the Brits get the shed.

No, no,

no, no.

Oh, no. What is it, Jay?

Hitch died.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That's awful. He was a...

really...

You have no idea who Hitch is, do you?

- I do not. - He was my D&D character.

Oh. No, not to be insensitive,

it's just, doesn't he exist entirely in your head?

What is it, Pete?

I-I just wanted to say, as a long-time adventurer myself,

the bond between D&D creator and character

can be very real.

I know I shed a few tears when I lost Gelvin Monkspear

to the demogorgon.

Pete's saying he can relate, 'cause he got upset

about losing some character - to a demidragon. - Demogorgon.

Demogorgon?

Pete plays D&D?

Heck yeah. It was really popular in the '80s.

Hey, maybe Jay and I could play together.

Oh, that's really sweet-- Pete wishes he could play with you.

Whoa, we totally could do that. Hey, Pete,

Pete, listen, you pick a character and I'll DM,

and then Sam... Sam, all you have to do

is translate, like you're doing right now.

- I love this idea! - Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, I love you, obviously,

but fantasy role-playing games

are at the far end of that affection.

Yeah. Okay, cool.

All my best friends just broke up with me,

but, uh, I can see

that playing a game is... is too big of an ask.

Okay, we can play tonight.

Yes! Oh!

Pete, saddle up, baby!

- Oh, no. - Whoo!

- Tonight we ride! - Rrroo!

We demand parley

at once!

Ugh, these fools.

Oh, boy. What's going on here? Aah!

She can see us.

My God,

what foul deal with the devil hath provoked such a power?

She fell down the stairs, and when she woke up

she could talk to ghosts and animals.

Uh, no. I'm not sure where she got the animals thing.

But I'm Samantha. Hi.

Lieutenant-Colonel Nigel Chessum.

I've come to discuss the unprovoked attack

on our land. I don't know

if I'd say this is your land.

Yeah, give 'em hell, Sass!

USA!

USA! Are you talking about the door?

This is about dignity and decorum and...

Yes, the door.

We want it put back, and we won't accept anything less.

Sam?

Have you seen my yellow Decepticons shirt?

Oh, I think it's in the dryer.

Uh-uh, I checked.

I'll come help you in a sec. I'm just dealing

with some British ghosts from the Revolutionary War.

Okay. I'll check the hamper.

Sorry, you were saying?

Our barracks. This affront shall not go un...

Oh, fine, I'll-I'll do it.

Pardon?

I'll tell the contractor

to put the door back on. Anything else?

Oh. Um, I...

had sort of a lengthy diatribe planned, but, uh, splendid.

- Well,

shall we get out of here, sir?

Oh, yes.

I suppose there's no reason to linger.

No other reason I can think of.

Sam, I believe that shirt that Jay's looking for

is in the hallway closet upstairs...

Lieutenant-Colonel Chessum.

Captain Higgintoot.

What, um... what fortune prompts

such an unexpec... pected visit?

A... trivial matter, now concluded.

Hmm.I...

do hope my presence, though unexpected,

is not entirely unpleasant.

Oh, no, I think it's fair to say

that your presence is the furthest thing from unpleasant.

Okay, am I nuts, or is there, like,

crazy chemistry between these two?

This has been going on for centuries.

Every year they find some reason to "redraw the border"

or "extend the truce," and neither one of them

- ever makes a move. - Mm.

- Well, I, uh, suppose

I shall bid you adieu.

Yes, yes, and I shall bid adieu to you.

Oh.

What a droll little rhyme.

Oh!

Splendid.

Well...

I guess I'm not going to fife myself out, am I?

Oh, no.

Baxter?

- Well, back to the closet. - What?

To look for Jay's shirt.

Right.

You cross the icy river

only to find what nightmares lurk on the other side.

From forth the darkness of the cave

emerges an abominable yeti!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, not good.

We probably should have taken the mountain pass.

Pete says they should have - taken the mountain pass. - Yeah.

That's what we get for accepting a map from a Frost Giant.

Sass is second-guessing the Frost Giant.

Well, I'm not messing with a yeti.

I'm getting back in the boat.

And Alberta wants to get back in the boat.

Ooh, unfortunately,

you turn around to see

that the boat has sunk

into the icy river.

- Oh. - Escape...

is no longer an option.

Well, then combat it is.

Sam, please tell Jay that Gelvin Monkspear II

has unsheathed his sword.

Sam? A little focus? We're about to be devoured

by a ferocious beast over here.

Right. Sorry, it's just, it's been a few hours.

So is the game almost done?

Well, I mean, this particular session could be close to done.

This session?

What do you mean? Doesn't somebody win

and then, like, we're done?

No.

This isn't Candy Land, Sam.

Dungeons & Dragons

is not a game that just ends in one night.

Every campaign is a multi-chaptered quest.

They could last months or even years.

Years?

That's what makes it so fun.

Now, where were we

with that yeti?

A little too close for comfort, I'd say.

Repeat that for Jay. I think he'd get a kick out of it.

How about those Brits stopping by, hmm?

Probably won't have to see them for another few years.

Uh, I have to say, though, that...

that Nigel fellow seems like a really good guy.

Oh, well, can't say I agree with his politics, but, uh...

- he's a man of honor. - Interesting,

because you're also kind of a man of honor.

Well, the truth is, is that there's a secret

that I've been keeping from Nigel,

and to share it would release an immense burden,

but I have a feeling he is not going to take it very well.

Okay, I hear you, but there's also a chance

that something that seemed so unthinkable all those years ago

might not be a big deal now.

You're right.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm gonna do it.

Really? You'll talk to him?

Uh-huh. I'm gonna do it.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

What do I wear?

Wait, no, can't change, so itchy shirt it is.

Break a leg!

Man...

we were up so late last night, huh? Were we?

Gosh, I was having so much fun, I didn't notice.

I could have gone all night.

You want to know what my favorite part was?

It was just getting to know the ghosts a little bit.

Pete? Are you kidding me?

That guy is great. I didn't think anyone knew more

about '80s basketball than I did.

Well, early '80s, and then...

You know, if we're gonna get to the fortress any time soon,

we're gonna have to play a few times a week,

at least. And each of those sessions

would last about...?Not long.

- Five, six hours. - Wow.

Well, let me check my schedule. Available.

And that could go on for potentially years?

Yeah.

Jay, I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but...

the ghosts don't want to play with you anymore.

- Whaaat? - What?

I know. I'm sorry.

But I thought they had fun.

We did have fun. What are you doing, Sam?

Well, I guess that not being able

to move the pieces or roll...

Some of them just got - a little bored. - Bored?

That's not true.

Okay. Yes, it's disappointing.

I'm upset, too. I...

I love this game! Those darn ghosts!

Well, if they didn't like it, then... they didn't like it.

We loved it.

- Liar! Huh.

I guess I'll just put all this away, then.

You know, maybe we could watch

a movie later.

Yeah.

Sure, that sounds fun.

Hmm.

And I thought the mindflayer

would be the greatest monster I'd encounter this week.

Or the gelatinous cube. That one was tough, too.

So she just straight-up lied to him?

- Like it was nothing. - We have to fix this.

Last night was so fun,

and I don't know if you've noticed,

but we don't have a ton going on here.

Yeah, I just wish there was a way

we could talk to Jay directly and set this straight.

If only there was some way we could get a message

across the celestial plane.

I think I have an idea.

Uh, perhaps we discuss

whatever it is you... wanted to talk about.

Well, well, the truth is, is it's quite personal,

and I've been keeping a secret from you

for, oh, 250 years.

Oh? I'm just really nervous

about how you're gonna take it.

Well, I...

think I might take it...

just fine.

Really?

Oh.

All right, here it goes.

Nigel?

Yes, Isaac?

I killed you.

Excuse me?!

Hello, Officer.

Oh, boy.

Are you telling me

the cowardly sniper that took my life was you?

Well, th-that was not at all my intention.

To have murdered in cold blood

a fellow officer!

My hope was to apologize.

I've had enough of this.

Uh...

Baxter?

Oh, God.

All right, no Sam in sight.

Hurry up and do your thing.

Just a little faster, buddy.

I think Jay's rinsing off.

Lied about what?

Seriously, dude, this is gonna kill me.

We've come too far, man.

Fine.

Hey, babe.

Got a better Internet connection,

so now I can play D&D with my boys in the city.

- That's amazing. - Yeah, and even better,

one of the guys had to drop out,

so there's room for you

to join permanently.

- No way. - Super cool, huh?

'Cause I know how much you love playing the game,

because that's what you told me.

I know you lied!

- But how? No, I didn't! - Uh-huh!

The ghosts told me. And it was genuinely haunting.

I was in the shower, I was nude,

and then letters just appeared in the steam!

- Trevor. - The ghost

without pants is watching me shower?

Gotta love that.

Sam, why did you lie to me?

I wanted to help you play with the ghosts,

but I really don't like your favorite game.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I didn't want to upset you.

And it just seemed easier - to blame the ghosts. - I don't care

if you like playing the game or not, okay?

Objectively, you should, because it's awesome.

But honestly, I just miss my friends.

I know. And you have this whole group of people

that-that you can talk to that I can't even see.

So the other night when we were all playing together,

I actually felt like I was part of the gang.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

I do hear you.

So I guess things with Nigel didn't go so great, huh?

No, Sam, they didn't.

It has come to my attention that I, an officer

in His Majesty's Armed Forces,

was murdered

by the shameful American war criminal Isaac Higgintoot.

Wait, that was the secret?

This horrifying breach of decorum shall not go unpunished.

We are taking the house.

Well...

if you insist that the time for words has passed--

just coming through--

then, no matter the cost in blood or treasure,

my army and I will defend this house to the bitter end.

If it's war you want...

then war you shall have.

So be it.

It's time for battle!

Oh!

Get out of here.

- This is the war? - I'm a pacifist,

but even I would like to see a little more action.

Oh! Damn this impotent existence!

If I was alive, I would wipe you and your boys

off the face of the earth.

No, you wouldn't. You'd shoot me in the chest

while I was reading my poems!

Oh, wait. You already did that.

Well.

If we can't fight,

then how the hell do we resolve this invasion, hmm?

If only there were some way to simulate actual combat.

What?

Damn it, I may have the solution.

Okay, I don't really understand what's happening here,

but I'd just like to say for the record,

I am happy to solve all future ghost conflicts this way.

Okay, Pete, you are now face-to-face with--

- who's that guy? - Oh, Jenkins.

That's one of the British ghosts.

Okay, you find yourself face-to-face

with Jenkins' tiefling bard.

Okay. Well, then I unsheathe my moonblade

and whisper the phrase "swift defeat to my enemies,"

thus marking him as a sworn enemy, and giving myself

an extra 3d6 damage.

Gadzooks, this is boring.

Why would anyone play this?

Okay. This is silly.

Nigel,

my killing you was an accident,

but not telling you about it for the last two centuries,

that was just plain wrong.

And for that I'm truly sorry.

Why didn't you just say something?

I-I was afraid you'd be mad.

Oh...

Isaac and the British commander are making up.

Aw, that's nice. What did Isaac do?

- He murdered him. - Ooh, that is hard to bounce back from.

I can see why that might be a hard subject to broach, but...

how does one even accidentally shoot another?

Well...

I-I was really intending to spy on you-ur camp,

using a musket looking glass that I had invented.

Some people are calling it the "Eyesaac."

Like your name? But with...

E-Y-E at the beginning?

- Yes. How did you know? - Well,

what else would it be?

Simply brilliant.

I love it.

I mean...

for an instrument of my demise.

And I love you...

...loving it.

I love you loving it.

We shall consider the matter water under the bridge.

The invasion is cancelled.

- But we can keep playing, right? - Yeah. Mama has a fourth-level spell slot

she's itching to use.

Thank you

for your gracious hospitality.

Until we next parley.

Baxter?

A-About that,

maybe it would help keep the peace

if we, um...

parleyed more often.

Interesting.

Perhaps, say, we could walk the grounds sometime

to discuss the peace...

among other matters.

I'm... actually not...

doing anything right now.

Oh, uh, s...

splendid.

To the grounds.

Uh, as you were, Baxter.

Stand down.

Okey dokey, conflict resolved.

Cool. All right, well, I guess we're done playing, then.

No. Jay, D&D is not one of those games

that's just done in an hour.

It's a rich, multi-chaptered campaign.

It could last for months.

Are you serious?

Do you really want to keep playing?

No.

But I will, for you.

Aw.

Good. 'Cause I joined that book club

last year for you.

All right, let's roll for initiative!

All right!20!

Come on. Guys, we're not doing this.

This is not the new system.

I really want to smell some pepperoni.

There is no way that I'm writing "pepperoni."

Seriously,

this is super creepy!

Are you guys

still in here? Please leave.

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