Original subtitles

Aagh!

Nah. It's not happening.

Want to try further up there?

Go on, then.

♪ Will you search through the lonely earth for me ♪

♪ Climb through the briar and bramble? ♪

♪ I'll be your treasure ♪

♪ I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind ♪

♪ I knew the call of all the songbirds ♪

♪ They sang all the wrong words ♪

♪ I'm waiting for you ♪

♪ I'm waiting for you ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm mmmmm-mm ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm mm-mmmmm ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mmmmm ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm mm-mmmmm ♪

You see "University Challenge"?

Yeah.

You see the way that idiot celebrated

when he got his starter for 10?

I know. Idiot.

What a helmet. Have some dignity.

Waving your arms around.

I hate the ones that have a sip of water

and frown like it was no big deal.

Yeah. They're knobs as well.

What you want is a... Is a humble smile

and a nod to your teammates, as if to say,

"I know you guys knew that one too."

That's it. Spot-on.

What you got?

Bit off a trestle table.

You?

Tufty Club badge.

- You know why, don't you? - Why?

Car boot sales.

Used to have them here every weekend, few years back.

I found £13.76 in loose change.

This isn't metal detecting. This is scavenging on landfill.

Lunchtime.

What did you do last night?

Ah, stayed in, had a French.

- A French? - Yeah.

What's that?

Uh, French takeaway.

That new restaurant in the high street does takeaway.

What'd you have?

Ah, onion soup, escargot, beouf bourguignon.

Why don't you cook anymore?

Can't be bothered.

I used to enjoy your curries.

You were the only one who did.

What do you think about Internet dating?

I think you're already married, mate, to Becky.

Not for me. For you.

Shut up.

What? What's so ridiculous about that?

Loads of people do it these days.

Shut up. What is this, an intervention?

Ah, I'm quite happy as I am, thank you.

Here.

Who's that down by that camper van?

Don't know.

Not from around here, though.

Come on, there.

Oh!

There.

Can I feed him?

You want to?

Yeah, go on, then.

- There. - Hello, Stanley.

- Support his head. - Yeah, I know.

- Support his head. - I am. I am.

Hello, Stanley.

Check it's not too hot by putting a bit on your...

It's good.

Here we go.

What?

That's...

That milk is...

What?

Nothing.

Oh, God!

Why didn't you say anything?!

I decided to spare him.

I'll never be able to look him in the eye again.

Oh!

Bless Lance.

Is he all right? I worry about him.

It's hard to tell,

but he hasn't invited me 'round to his flat

for a curry in months.

And I spotted some rust on his car.

- Is that significant? - Hugely.

- Does he ever talk about Maggie? - Occasionally.

I don't think they've been in touch since she left.

Ohh! Did you have a nice day?

Did you go metal detecting with Daddy and Uncle Lance?

Ohhh.

- Did you find anything good? - Nah.

Nahhh.

They never find anything.

- Heard that. - Oops!

Mum wants to take Stan for the day tomorrow.

Oh, great.

You could call the agency and see if they've got any work.

Yeah. Do that first thing.

You think your mum will stick to the routines

with the feeding times and naps and all that?

Ooh, doubt it.

Doesn't matter for one day, does it?

Will she have a go at me for not having a job?

Oh, probably.

She hates the fact that you had to go back to work

and I'm at home with Stan.

She thinks it's degrading for a man.

Who cares what she thinks? We didn't have a choice.

I know.

Won't be long now.

You'll get a job soon.

Yeah.

I thought I'd pass my exams

and magically become an archaeologist.

Didn't occur to me that no one would give me a job.

Poor Daddy.

You know we love you, don't you?

- Yeah. Although... - What?

Smells like at least one of you has done a poo in your pants.

Really? Bad luck.

That's not fair. You knew.

I didn't smell anything.

Bullshit. It's making my eyes water.

Lovely to see the finds table

with such a nice scattering of quality finds here.

Good range of buttons and buckles.

And half a dozen Civil War-era musket balls.

Now, I know I've said this before,

but although they are common, I find musket balls to be

irresistible nuggets of history...

Albeit toxic history,

and all lead items in your collection

should be stored safely and responsibly

and out of the reach of children.

Whose is the Roman phallus?

Oh, that's mine.

Something funny about that?

- No. - Right.

Andy? Lance?

Anything from you on the finds table this week?

Ah, not this week, Terry, no.

Tufty Club badge.

Now, the annual club rally is fast approaching,

and we still do not have a site to hold it on.

Does nobody have a permission that we can use?

Well, if the worst comes to the worst,

we've been given permission to detect

on an old Edwardian rubbish dump out by Maldon.

An Edwardian rubbish dump? That's still rubbish, mate.

It's disgusting.

Right, well, how long does something

have to be in the ground before it becomes archaeology, then,

Mrs. Ancient History?

Well, at least a hundred years, surely.

I'm with Sophie.

The clue's in the name. Rubbish dump.

Nonsense.

The Edwardians threw some fascinating stuff away.

They didn't throw away gold, though, did they?

It's not all about gold, Sophie.

Nobody's gonna want to come to a rally

where you're absolutely guaranteed not to find any gold.

She's right, Terry. It's just gonna be broken glass and china.

Well, until somebody comes up with something else,

it's the best we've got.

Now, Russell, Hugh,

how is your lost-wedding-ring recovery service doing?

Yeah, not bad, Terry. One callout this week.

Old biddy, lost engagement ring.

But I'm not gonna waste me time telling you...

Oh.

When you can read all about it in the Essex Chronicle!

- Oh! - Two copies.

One for the scrapbook, one for the notice board.

- Well done. - Whoo!

And we were wo... Sit down. Sit down.

And we were wondering whether we can get a vehicle.

- Pardon? A vehicle? - That's right.

What's wrong with the bus?

Well, we just think if we had a DMDC vehicle,

it would present a more, you know, professional image.

What kind of a vehicle?

Like the Ghostbusters.

We weren't going to say that.

No, not like the Ghostbusters,

but something with a logo on the side.

The Ghostbusters logo.

No, the DMDC logo.

Look, I'm not denying that this club is in a far healthier state

than it was this time last year, Russell,

but I do not think the DMDC coffers

are gonna stretch to a Cadillac.

Speaking of which,

Sheila's come up with a novel fund-raising idea

that I said she could run up the flagpole,

see if anyone salutes it.

Sheila? Love?

Yes.

I thought we could do a naked calendar.

- No. No way. - Absolutely not.

- Are you insane, Sheila? - Oh, shut up.

- Unbelievable. - No one's seeing my nuts.

Terry could take photos of you all out metal detecting,

with your finds pouches covering your privates.

Sheila, shut the fuck up! You're not hearing me.

- I am not taking... - Are you joking, Sheila?!

You're not fucking hearing me. We're not doing it.

- No way. Certainly not doing it. - Keep them covered!

Stupid woman.

Now, now, come on, come on. Don't just dismiss it.

I mean, we've got nearly enough members

for each month of the year.

Well, perhaps some of you could double up.

Lance, Andy.

Well...

Russell, Hugh, you could do one together, perhaps.

Jesus Christ.

Well, you know, it could be a good money spinner.

Really, Terry?

Who on earth is gonna want to buy a naked DMDC calendar?

I would.

Well, you know, these things "go viral," don't they?

I mean, you go on the local news,

then suddenly you're sending them all over the world.

Oh, that's how it works, is it?

Then they write a musical about you.

I don't want a musical written about me.

Let's have a show of hands.

Who thinks it's a good idea to do a naked calendar?

- It's not enough, darling. - No mind.

So it's agreed, then. We won't be making a calendar.

I'd like to go further.

I'd like us to vow

never to take our clothes off in front of each other.

- Yeah, I'm with him. - I'll go with that.

Hello. Um, are you the metal detectors?

Detectorists, yes.

Welcome to the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

What can we do you for?

I'm looking for the wreckage or crash site of a plane,

a German plane that came down somewhere around here in 1941.

I like it already.

What type of plane?

My grandfather was one of the crew members,

and my grandmother was pregnant with my dad at the time,

and she got a telegram with just the words,

"Missing. Believed killed."

- Oh, dear. - That's very sad.

What type of plane?

Junkers Ju 88.

It crashed on the way back to France.

The only clue I could turn up

mentioned the village of, uh, Henburystone.

Well, that's where Andy and Lance detect, isn't it?

Henburystone. The round-tower church.

Over that way, yeah.

Are you chaps no longer on Bishop's Farm?

No, we searched out all the fields there.

Nothing there after all.

This new place never turned up anything

that looked like plane wreckage, though.

No.

You need to go through newspapers from the time

at the library,

see if you can find some photo of the crash site.

I can help. It sounds interesting.

What?

Hmm?

Well, isn't this the girl who was saying

that Edwardian is still rubbish?

And your point is?

Well, by your reckoning,

a World War Il bomber is merely litter.

Shut up, Lance.

There are aerial photographs online that show bomb craters.

Well, it might show up in one of those.

I can meet you at the library if you like,

see what we can find out.

Excellent.

There you are, then. Crack team on the case.

I think you'll find

we're a pretty trustworthy bunch on the whole,

despite our quirks and foibles.

Uh, quirks and...?

Foibles.

I don't know either of these.

Peculiar behavioral habits.

Oh.

N-Nothing serious. Nothing sinister.

You've not joined a cult.

Ahh.

So, hands up, who thinks Lance

should join an Internet dating agency?

Here we go.

I'm not... I'm not joining an Internet dating agency.

It's not a subject for public conversation.

I think it's a lovely idea, Lance.

You could meet somebody really nice.

Yeah.

That's what I've been telling him.

There's all different niche websites these days,

catering for all different tastes.

You insinuating I've got strange tastes, Russell?

Not you. Other people.

Look, I don't want a relationship.

I'm actually going through a period of voluntary chastity.

Sorry.

♪ You're the sun ♪

♪ You're the moon ♪

♪ You're the light ♪

♪ In the room ♪

♪ You are my new-age girl ♪

Hello?

Oh, uh, if it's about the fish tank,

I sold it this morning.

It's who?

Kate?

Yeah, it's...

Yeah, this is Lance. I-It's Lance.

Yeah.

Yes, I did, yeah.

I-I hadn't got 'round to replying yet.

I'm not very good with the e-mail.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, thank you.

Me too.

Well, yeah, we should meet.

I'm not very good on the phone.

Uh... no.

How about for a coffee?

Tuesday sounds good.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll look forward to, um...

it.

Okay.

Bye.

As long as he doesn't have too long a nap in the morning.

That's all I'm asking.

She needs to wake him up after an hour,

otherwise everything goes out of sync

and we're back to square one.

All right, Gina Ford. Chill out.

It's not Gina Ford, actually.

It's my own unique blend of teachings,

and I'm thinking of publishing it.

That will be a gripping read.

Do you think she sterilizes everything properly?

Bec... Hello?

Really? Nothing at all? Not even catering work?

It's been three weeks now.

Okay, thanks.

Nothing? Really?

I haven't got any skills, apparently.

I'll do some job searching while Stan's at your mum's today.

Do you mind if I go out after work with Gay Martin?

Sure.

He did some volunteer teaching last year with the VSO.

Oh, yeah?

He did six months in Colombia. It sounded amazing.

Cool.

Well, it sounds like what we used to talk about.

About going to Africa.

What, you're not thinking we can do it?

Well, be better than waiting around

for dead-end catering jobs, wouldn't it?

- Yeah, but not now. - Why not?

Well, because we've got Stan now.

He's just a baby.

Well, I'd still like to hear about it.

Well, yeah, you should. Be interesting.

So you don't mind if I'm a bit late?

Not if you're only with Gay Martin.

Oh, he's not gay.

- Isn't he? - No!

It's an ironic nickname because he's the least homosexual man

you can possibly imagine.

He's gorgeous. Spanish. All the women fancy him.

Is he? Do they?

I don't.

No, of course.

But, yeah...

That's who I'm going out with.

Right. Uh, good.

Stanley!

It's Nana!

Yes!

- Hello, Veronica. - Andy.

- How are you? - Well, thank you.

Working?

Uh, not really.

Still looking for a proper job.

Proper job, yeah. That's probably a good idea.

And what are you up to today

whilst my daughter works and I look after Stanley?

Metal detecting.

- Beg your pardon? - Metal detecting.

Very useful.

Who's that?

That's my friend Lance.

What a silly car.

You ready to rumble?

Mm.

I've written a list with feeding times on it and...

I don't need a list. I've raised three of my own.

I know, but I'm trying to stick to a routine.

We can work out our own routine.

Thank you. We're quite capable.

Just that quite a lot of work has gone into this.

Run along now and go and

find some metal.

Do you want to keep hold of this just in case?

No, thank you.

All right, well, I'll just... I'll leave it there.

And I've got my mobile, Becky's got hers,

and I've put my friend Lance's number down.

- Bye-bye. - His next feed is at 9:30.

Silly? What way silly?

A clown car is silly.

A Triumph TR7 is a classic.

It's just if he gets out of sync,

then all of that work's out of the window.

He'll be up all night again.

Relax, mate. It'll be fine.

Stupid old trout.

Ah! Damn it. We got to go back.

Why? What is it?

It's Clothy. He needs it.

Becky's mum will have a piece of old flannel.

This isn't a piece of old flannel.

This is Clothy.

He can do without Clothy for one day.

He's three months old.

Got to start toughening up.

Turns out he's not even gay.

It's an ironic nickname because he's so heterosexual.

- Shit. - Yeah.

- Gorgeous, Spanish. - Yeah?

I'm not worried.

Doesn't sound like it.

But, yeah, I've got to get a job soon.

It's ridiculous.

43 years old, and I can't even provide for my family.

There any jobs going at the depot?

Only if you can drive a forklift.

I can't even drive a car.

No, then.

What you got?

It's a "Blankety Blank" checkbook and pen.

Really?

With the pen?

Ah, no, actually. It's just the checkbook.

Oh, well.

See? Car boot sales.

What's the name on it?

Les Dawson.

Pity.

- They're the most common. - Eh?

Dawson did 123 episodes, including Christmas specials.

Wogan did 95.

Surprisingly, the scarce ones are the Lily Savage ones.

She only did 59 eps.

All right, Rain Man, How do you know this stuff?

Lecture at this year's TV nostalgia convention.

Still go to those?

Nah. Not after the last one.

Shambles.

Yeah.

Nostalgia conventions aren't what they used to be.

Mm.

Lee Majors is gonna be at the next one.

Six Million Dollar Man?

Apparently he's only worth a hundred grand now.

That's why he

- does the conventions. - Does the conventions.