Original subtitles

(eerie music)

(uplifting music)

(suspenseful music)

- [Announcer] Attention Quinn University students.

The Student Med league of dormitory 17

would like to announce the arrival of a new topical dressing

being tested for breast augmentation procedures.

Female students with a double D cup or under

are urged to take part in this important study.

Students in the double D division and larger need not apply

as the last subject tested in this category

fell forward and suffered a severe concussion.

No fee will provided for participants,

other than the personal gratification

of contributing to the upliftment of humanity.

Refreshments will be served in conventional styrofoam cups.

(rock music)

Debby Di Solman, please scrub up and report to the lab

for emergency hydrotherapy.

Debby Di Solman to the lab immediately.

(audience cheer)

("Flying Blind" by Medicine Wheel)

♪ Congratulations to you baby, kiss the sky ♪

♪ Now your date with destiny, lies past the runway line ♪

♪ Throttle forward as the rockets engines cry ♪

♪ 10,000 pounds of rust goes screaming into flight ♪

♪ Halfway to Heaven, halfway to Hell ♪

♪ Going where angels dare go ♪

♪ Higher and higher this sky we will pass ♪

- Well Gina, you should go to the polo match

with me tomorrow.

- I didn't know you Australian's liked polo,

I thought that was more of a British thing.

- Well, it's an acquired taste

but I think you'd have a good time

because you can meet some very rich men there.

- Oh well I'm game for that.

I'm tired of going Dutch all the time.

- So you and Ron haven't patched up your differences huh?

- Well, only that one night

that someone put Spanish wine in our punch.

Well actually come to think of it

we did have sex one more time after that.

- Well how was it?

- [Gina] Like beating a dead horse.

- Well, that reminds of the story

of Catherine the Great of Russia.

- Was she famous for beating dead horses?

- Well actually dear it was the other way round.

♪ Fuel supply is low ♪

♪ As my target closes in at almost twice the speed of sound ♪

♪ I'll shed a tear ♪

♪ For those below ♪

♪ Halfway to Heaven, halfway to Hell ♪

- Supposedly Catherine the Great

was this insatiable nymphomaniac

who no man could fully satisfy.

- Well I can relate (laughs).

- One day Catherine decided

that she wanted to make it with a horse.

- A horse?

- Yeah, a horse.

So she had the palace engineers

build this tremendous harness above her bed

so that they could lower the horse to hoist--

- That's sick.

Did she actually do it with a horse?

- Oh no, the horse fell and it crushed her to death.

- Oh god, what a horrible way to go.

- I know.

At least she went with her riding boots on.

("Flying Bird" continues)

♪ Halfway to Heaven, halfway to Hell ♪

♪ Going where angels dare go ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

- I went to a past life therapist this week

and I was regressed back to my last three incarnations.

- God that sounds pretty wild.

So who were you in your past lives?

- Well let's see.

From 1774 to 1798 I was a Zulu warrior in Africa.

- Didn't live too long that time did you?

- Oh no, it was a jungle out there.

Oh and from 1806 to 1867,

I was a promiscuous southern belle

on a Carolina cotton plantation.

- Who were you after that?

- A nun in Vatican City.

- Huh.

Tell me about the promiscuous southern belle.

- You know, I thought you'd ask me about that one.

My name was Nelly.

Nelly Anastasia Rydell.

(magical music)

My father, Obadiah Rydell made a fortune growing cotton

for a French woman's underpants manufacturer.

One morning when I was about 21 years old,

I was sipping a mint julep on the veranda,

a gentleman caller I'd come to know quite well

came a calling.

He was a Frenchman named Hugh Hardone.

Monsieur Hardone was the buyer

for the underwear manufacturer over in France.

He'd come back by my by, very often to check the crops.

Making sure the cotton was good quality

befitting fine ladies underpants.

Hugh didn't speak the English language very well

so we developed this sort of uh,

romantic shorthand.

Knowing my daddy was out plowing the fields,

Hugh wasted no time making his intentions known.

We went upstairs to the room at the tip top of the house.

There were windows all around looking out into the trees.

We pretended we were a couple of squirrels

jumping branches outside,

gathering nuts for the long, lonely winter.

Like the gentleman that he was

Hugh helped me disrobe out of the cumbersome apparel

that was fashion of the times.

(rock music)

- Did you ever see Hugh Hardone again?

- No, his ship sunk off the coast of the Canary Islands.

Yeah he went down with 1,100 bales of cotton.

Yeah, well virgin cotton,

which is much more than I can say for myself my dear.

- Quite, what a sad ending.

- Not really.

That's the nice thing about reincarnation,

you can just keep coming back and doing it over again.

♪ I feel my temperature rise ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ And there's something that my body can't forget ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ My body's on fire but I'm dripping wet ♪

♪ Got a hell of a fever whenever you're around ♪

♪ When my breath gets short ♪

♪ My hearts starts to pound ♪

♪ I can't control what I'm thinking about ♪

♪ 'Cause I always remember our first workout ♪

♪ It's dripping from my forehead ♪

♪ It's beading on my brow ♪

♪ I've used up all my body it's too late to stop it now ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ And there's something that my body can't forget ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ My body's on fire but I'm dripping wet ♪

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] Thank you Debby,

your test results are 10, nine, 10.

Very impressive.

Doctors Peters and Gruss would

like to schedule an appointment for further evaluation

at your earliest convenience.

- Have you ever thought about

going to see a past life therapist?

- Uh, no way.

I mean if I found out that I was someone like

Catherine the Great or someone like that,

then I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

- Well the way I see it, it wasn't her fault

she died an ignoble death.

I mean I think that it was the product

of poor structurous engineering.

(clattering)

- [Announcer] Dr. Cleo Theraidus please report

to the rectal lab

for an emergency marital aid recovery operation.

Dr. Theraidus please report to the lab immediately,

before the patient vibrates to death.

(rock music)

- Whoa look who just walked in.

Wendy Waltsman, pre-med and proctologist extraordinaire.

- No way, I wouldn't even touch her

with a ten foot pole wrapped in latex.

♪ I never knew what a kiss could do ♪

♪ 'Cause I gave myself to you ♪

♪ I'll never be the same ♪

♪ Only a fool would go back to you ♪

♪ After what you put me through ♪

♪ Baby you're so vain ♪

♪ You're so vain ♪

- Good evening gentleman.

- Hi Wendy.

- Rough at the orifice dear?

- Oh I see we have a fledgling chlamydian in our midst.

So, you think proctology is a joke do you...

- Tony.

And this is my friend Ron.

- Hi Ron.

We'll see just how much Tony's funny bones gets tickled

if he ever has a hemorrhoid that needs to be lanced.

- (laughs) Touche.

It's a tough job but--

- I know, I know, someone's gotta do it.

You know if there's one thing I hate,

it's people who use cliches.

It's kind of like wearing old worn out shoes,

however, for lack of a better phrase,

I must admit a hard man is good to find.

- Oh.

Hey if the shoe fits?

♪ Bring me up and tear me down ♪

♪ Draining my heart with all you the things you say ♪

♪ Things you say ♪

♪ Come to my ocean ♪

♪ Feel my devotion ♪

♪ Can't you feel my devotion ♪

♪ I promise forever ♪

♪ A love never ending ♪

♪ It's killing me ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Hanging by a thread ♪

♪ Didn't see you coming baby, oh yeah ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Left me here for dead ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Whoa yeah ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Left me stranded ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Empty handed ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

- 10 foot pole my ass.

♪ Come to my ocean ♪

♪ Feel my devotion ♪

♪ All my loves like the ocean ♪

♪ I'm drowning in a river ♪

♪ Oh you, no more pretending ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ I'm hanging by a thread ♪

♪ Didn't see you coming baby ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Left me here for dead ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Hanging by a thread ♪

♪ Didn't see you coming baby ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Left me here for dead ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

- Have you ever gone to bed with another woman Gina?

- No, why have you?

- Yeah.

- In this life (laughs)?

- Yeah.

- Did you like it?

- Yeah.

♪ Will I keep offending ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

- I have a confession to make Gina.

I lied about the Zulu war in the late 18th Century.

- Oh.

Well then, who were you then?

I mean Betsy Ross or Florence Nightingale or you know, who?

- Catherine the Great (laughs).

- Oh my god, no wonder you are like,

so into like those polo matches you equestrian slut.

♪ Hold my love like the ocean ♪

♪ I'm drowning in the river ♪

♪ Oh you, no more pretending ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ I'm hanging by a thread ♪

♪ Didn't see you coming baby ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

♪ Left me here for dead ♪

- See the mating habits of our species

have been molded over millennia of evolution.

It's all in the genes.

- Yeah I'll say.

How's your 10 foot pole Tony?

- Last time I looked it was 8.4 inches and holding.

- Ooh that is a record?

- No but it's a damn good average.

- [Announcer] Thank you Cleo,

your test results are 10, nine, 10.

You are currently tied with Debby Di Solman

for the lead position.

Please report to Dr. Beards office for a second opinion.

- This is the same technique my past life therapist

used on me to help me regress.

- I don't know about that.

I have really hard time believing in all that voodoo crap.

It's just creation of your imagination.

- Your eyes, they start drooping,

feeling really heavy,

drooping like a porno stars wilting phallus

after an 18 hour marathon shooting day.

♪ Wind me up like up a toy all day long ♪

♪ Until I have to go home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You really got me going ♪

- God I wish they'd keep that noise down in there

with that ridiculous wet t-shirt contest.

I mean, it's a totally gratuitous form of entertainment.

- You've obviously never had a hard on Valerie.

- No, I can't say that I have.

- You're getting very sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Now you go back through the white light,

back through the akashic records.

Back to the attic of your soul,

just like a high school year book laid out in front of you

with all the memories of your past lives.

Oh Hugh, it was you.

(speaking in foreign language)

(moaning)

- Oh Hugh it's been so long.

I just think I'll have to give you a little French lesson

that you'll never forgot.

- Oh Sally.

Are you sure this is French?

I always thought it was Latin.

- Oh you just hold your horses there Hugh.

Or I'm gonna give you a crash course in Greek.

- (moans) Frankly my dear I don't give a damn.

- What's my toilet training

got to do with my aversion toward cunnilingus?

- Are you two talking about me behind my back?

- No, we were just discussing Ron's personal eating habits.

- Valerie listen, can I have a word with Ron alone please.

- Sure.

Maybe a little lip service will do you both some good.

- Ron.

I want all the lingerie I left at your apartment back.

- I, I'm sorry Gina.

I washed my car this week

and I didn't have anything else to dry it off with.

- What?

You pig.

You lose, those are my favorite underthings.

- I'm sorry.

Look, Gina this is probably bad timing on my part but,

I want us to get back together again.

- Oh after you use my personal things

to buff the bumper of your car?

Not.

- [Announcer] Dr. Eva Clitor,

please scrub up and report to the hydrotherapy lab

for pre-op delousing procedures.

Dr. Clitor to hydrotherapy, stat.

("The Night Is Young" by Fitnessglo)

♪ From the moment that I saw you ♪

♪ I started to adore you ♪

♪ A dream come true before my eyes ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Let's not wait another minute ♪

♪ We have each other let's begin it ♪

♪ 'Cause life's too short to compromise ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ I just can't wait to get you all alone tonight ♪

♪ We'll make each minute count ♪

♪ Until the morning light, yeah ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ We're all alone, oh yeah ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ Let's go for broke ♪

♪ 'Cause time is on our side ♪

♪ We can't be denied ♪

♪ Well I try to figure out you ♪

♪ But there's something that's about you ♪

♪ That always brings me to my knees ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ In the magic of the moment ♪

♪ 'Cause when I can't control it ♪

♪ When you do those things to me ♪

- I cried for days when your ship sank off the coast

of the Canary Islands.

- So did I, when I saw those shark fins

coming through the water.

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Ooh the night is young ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- Come on.

Come on.

Hugh.

Hugh.

(moaning)

(hawwing)

(whinnies)

(screams)

Get away from me.

- [Hugh] What's wrong?

- See Gina, we're not the only one

having relationship problems.

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

(audience applauding)

- [Announcer] Thank you Eva,

your test results are 10, 10, 10.

Perfect results, making it your second time to win

in the Quac's research incentive program.

To add to your silver plated commemorative Ben Wa balls,

you'll be awarded an all expense paid weekend vacation

in a motel of you choice in Philadelphia.

And I would advise taking on the Ben Wa's.

Clang the Liberty Bell once or twice

while you're there for us Eva.

♪ Well you know what I want ♪

♪ And I'll get my own way ♪

♪ I told him not to see her ♪

♪ I don't play by the book ♪

♪ No I don't ♪

♪ One dose of Valium ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ I've seen it, I've done it, I've heard it before ♪

♪ Now it's my turn to settle the score ♪

♪ I've seen it, I've said it, I'll say it again ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

- [Announcer] Attention all Quinn University students.

The Quinn University staff of oral surgeries

in conjunction with

the Lovelay Center of International Post Orgasmic Research

would like to invite all interested parties

to an open symposium at dormitory 17.

All hormonally charged students with proclivity towards

literal stimulation are encouraged

to participate in the study.

Those without oral inclination are urged not to apply.

Since the reputation of our esteemed University

hinges on the unimpeachable authenticity

of our research experiments,

three Nobel Laureate neuro-surgeons

will monitor brain wave activity

to verify that none of the participants orgasms are faked.

Pretzels and mouthwash will be served immediately following

the final climax of the evening.

♪ The power, the glory, it's calling my name ♪

♪ I won't stop to play that game ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm proud to be loud ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

- Do you really think this itching powder,

is it necessary Nurse Hatcher?

- I'm appalled at the rampant promiscuity

at these dorm 17 parties.

- Ah.

- Someone's got to put a stop to it.

- Yeah I'm afraid that's like trying to stop

a Panzer division with a pea shooter.

- [Announcer] Rhonda Rydell of the gynecology department,

please report to the oral examination room stat.

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

(relaxed pop music)

♪ If I knew then what I know now ♪

♪ I wouldn't have moved so fast ♪

♪ If you told me then what you tell me now ♪

♪ I would've made all of this ♪

- So what do you think Gina,

you gonna enter the orgas-ma-rama.

- Hmm, what's the prize?

- Free trip to Puerto Rico.

- I'll enter if you do.

- Why not.

- Sure.

(cheerful music)

♪ It's too late for me ♪

- [Announcer] Elaine Turnbull please report

to the oral lab immediately.

Elaine Turnbull.

♪ It's too late to give ♪

♪ It's too late to say it ♪

♪ It's too late to play ♪

♪ Too late for love ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

(moaning)

- Oh baby.

Put your legs around me.

Oh baby.

Oh give it to me.

Oh give it to me.

Give it to me harder, harder.

(moaning)

(audience cheering)

Oh god.

Oh god.

Oh baby.

Oh baby.

- [Announcer] Thank you Elaine.

You've been rated nine, 10, eight.

Very impressive.

♪ It's too late for me ♪

♪ It's too late for you ♪

♪ It's too late for us ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ It's too late to give ♪

♪ It's too late to save ♪

- [Announcer] Wendy Waltsman, please scrub up

and report to the center for orgasmic research, stat.

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ Too late for, too late for love ♪

♪ Too late ♪

♪ Well I said it's ♪

♪ I said it's too, too late ♪

♪ It's too, too late, too late for love ♪

♪ Too late for love ♪

♪ Too late for, too late for ♪

(moaning)

- Oh yeah.

Oh baby.

Oh yeah that's it.

Oh yeah baby.

Oh you're really giving me the itch.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah you burning hunk of manhood.

Oh yeah baby.

Oh now I'm hot for you.

Oh yeah give it to me.

Oh you big brute.

Oh yeah.

Oh there.

(moaning)

(audience cheering)

- [Announcer] Thank you Wendy,

your test results are 10, nine, 10.

Excellent reading Wendy.

- Thank you.

- [Announcer] Please report to the etymology

for immediate delousing.

(electronic music)

♪ I walked through the golden valley ♪

♪ The wind of the night will be guide ♪

- Well Miss Hatcher, as opposed as I am to over-action,

I must say that this little itching powder program of yours

certainly, hit the spot.

Oh look, someone else is making their entrance.

- [Nurse Hatcher] Did you see who it was?

- No, no one ever sees, but don't worry he'll be out soon.

Listen,

how would you like to go out back and get a little dinner,

have some on your way home.

Or something else.

Cupcakes or cookies?

- How did you know I was just thinking about

getting some cookies.

- Well, I'd like to say that

I've grown psychic in my old age

but in truth I've heard your stomach growling,

it's something I learnt in med-school.

- Unfortunately that wasn't my stomach you heard.

This lad standing behind me with the glasses,

I think he must have just taken a meal of it.

I tell you it reeks.

- Oh let's leave before it permeates.

- Oh clear the area.

Oh man.

- Oh hey come on guys.

It's only methane.

- [Announcer] Sally Landers of the Quac's bush doctor league

please report to the oral examination room stat.

(audience applauding)

(moaning)

- Yeah.

I love it when you touch me with your fingers like that.

(moaning)

(audience cheering)

- [Announcer] Thank you Sally,

your test results are 10, 10, nine.

A very respectable showing.

♪ When I'm holding you in my arms ♪

♪ The passion burns so strong ♪

- [Announcer] Gina Trelaine please report to the oral room

for immediate testing, Gina Trelaine to the lab.

- Gina.

- I'd like to dedicate this orgasm to my ex-boyfriend Ron.

(moaning)

- Oh yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

(audience cheering)

- Why didn't ever sound that way with me?

- [Announcer] Thank you Gina,

the panel of oral experts have given you a nine, seven, 10.

Good work Gina, but not high enough

to thrust your way into the lead.

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

♪ And now that's what you want to do ♪

♪ Gonna make you love me ♪

- [Ron] I never so much as even--

(suspenseful music)

♪ No ones ever had this effect on me ♪

♪ In normal situations I'm as calm as can be ♪

♪ Staying so cool ♪

♪ While all the other gals go in love with you ♪

♪ I feel my temperature rise ♪

- [Student] Jesus this stuff's all over the place.

- Looks like the work of a sexual terrorist.

- I wonder what this stuff is.

♪ You give me something that body can't forget ♪

(moaning)

- Oh yes, Dean Crawley I had no idea

you were a super-size large.

I had you figured more into the way of a medium.

- Well you can't judge a book by it's cover, now can you?

- Ow.

- Whoa, what's the matter?

- I think you just found the books of Kandake's.

- Oh I'm sorry, lets try that again.

Take two.

- Oh yes.

Oh that's better Dean Crawley.

I was never very big on Greek literature.

Oh yes.

That's no thin paper back romance you're peddling there.

Oh yes, that's an epic hardback novel.

- [Dean Crawley] Ah, let's try to find a place

in the library shelf one day.

Oh I see your decimal systems definitely getting Dewey.

- [Nurse Hatcher] Oh do me Dean, do me.

I want to take it all literally.

Oh yes.

Oh yes.

Harder, harder.

I want the unabridged version.

- Yes, I'll give you to you one more,

even the footnotes.

- Oh no, not the big toe again.

- Oh yes.

- Oh yes, oh yes, oh Dean.

Oh such a man you are.

Give it to me, harder, harder,

oh you're voracious, yes.

Oh yes.

- Preparing for a thundering climax.

- Oh you're a King. - Oh yes.

- You're a titan, you're a literary titan.

(moaning)

Mother.

(panting)

- [Announcer] Racquelle Hornsby in hydrotherapy

please report to the oral examination room at once.

Racquelle Hornsby.

(audience cheering)

- This orgas-ma-rama thing is disgusting.

I'm blowing the whistle on these jerks once and for all.

(moaning)

(laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Oh, now who could that be at this hour?

- It beats me.

Dean Crawley here.

- Hello Dean Crawley.

Yes this is a concerned student

over at the party at dorm 17.

I want you to hear for yourself.

(moaning)

- I can't believe my ears are hearing this.

- This is disgusting.

- Yes that's exactly what I said.

I think this kind of activity should be stopped.

- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna go over to that goddamn dorm,

I've had enough of this foolishness.

- I'm going with you.

- [Announcer] Be awarded an all expense paid weekend

in Puerto Rico with the man of their choice.

- The man of your choice.

Why didn't somebody tell me the trip

was with man of your choice?

- Yeah, bring it to me baby.

Yeah bang.

Ooh harder.

Harder.

Oh yeah.

Bang it baby.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

(screams)

- That will be quite enough out of you young lady.

- Shame on you.

- Attention, attention please.

As your Dean, of this esteemed medical college,

I hereby outlaw these despicable party contests.

Not only do they cater to the lowest common denominator,

but they have no redeeming social value whatsoever.

- [Nurse Hatcher Recording] Dean Crawley I had no idea

you were super-sized large,

I had you figured more in the way of a medium.

(audience laughing)

- [Dean Crawley Recording] Well you can't judge a book

by its cover now can you?

- [Nurse Hatcher Recording] Ow.

- [Dean Crawley Recording] What was that?

- [Nurse Hatcher Recording] I think you just found

the books of Kandakes.

- They have a tape of us.

- Turn it off.

Turn that goddamn thing off now.

(audience laughing)

As Dean I demand that you turn that thing off now.

- [Nurse Hatcher Recording] Oh yes.

- I'll expel the whole damn lot of you.

- And me.

- [Nurse Hatcher Recording] That's an epic hardback novel.

(audience laughing)

- [Announcer] And the panel of oral experts

have given you a 10, 10, 10 across the board.

Making the Dean and the head nurse recipients

of the orgasmic research centers award.

Have fun in the sun you two.

- I demand a rematch.

♪ Just remember hell ♪

♪ What the hell are you ♪

♪ What the hell are you ♪

- [Announcer] Dean Crawley and Nurse Hatcher

please report to the entomology department

for emergency delousing.

(rock music continues)

♪ I'd like to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt ♪

♪ You're trying to push your luck ♪

♪ Yours just ran out you ♪

♪ Gonna put the hell on you ♪

("The Night Is Young" by Fitnessglo)

♪ From the moment that I saw you ♪

♪ I started to adore you ♪

♪ A dream come true before my eyes ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Let's not wait another minute ♪

♪ We have each other let's begin it ♪

♪ 'Cause life's too short to compromise ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ I just can't wait to get you all alone tonight ♪

♪ We'll make each minute count ♪

♪ Until the morning light, yeah ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ We're all alone, oh yeah ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

- So you're studying to be

an eye, ear, nose and throat doctor?

- Yeah so tell me Rhonda,

when was the last time you had a check up?

♪ Well I'm trying to figure out you ♪

♪ But there's something that's about you ♪

♪ That always brings me to my knees ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ In the magic of the moment ♪

♪ 'Cause when I can't control it ♪

♪ When you do those things to me ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ I just can't wait to get you all alone tonight ♪

- You have beautiful eyes Rhonda.

- Thanks doc.

What'd you say your name was again?

- Tony.

- Oh I have a terrible time with names,

especially when I start to get drunk.

- Uh huh.

Let's see how the ears are doing.

Oh what beautiful earrings you have here.

- Is this is a new examination procedure?

- I'm prepping the lobe region

for a new experimental technique

aimed at loosening the libido.

You know what that means Rhonda?

(whispering drowned out by music)

(giggles)

- I call it dirty talk therapy.

- Oh it's more like filthy talk therapy.

You should wash your mouth out with soap doc.

- I have a better idea.

- [Announcer] Resident nurse Cleo Theraidus

your presence is requested

in the post-labic facility immediately.

Resident nurse Cleo Theraidus.

(rock music)

- This is called the Eskimo exam.

- Hmm, take me to your igloo Doctor Nanook of the North.

- Yeah, the nasal passages

seem to be in perfect running order.

- What about my throat?

Aren't you gonna check my throat doc?

- Now that.

That's something I'm afraid

we might have to delve into a little deeper

to get to the root of the problem.

That's if it's okay with you?

- You're the doctor.

- [Announcer] Your test results are nine, six, nine.

Good reading Cleo,

please report to the cardio-vascular unit

to assist in a quadruple bypass.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat pop music)

- The punch is good tonight, aren't you having any?

- No I'm on a very strict diet.

Fruits, vegetables and goat water.

- Goat water?

- Yeah water that's been strained

through the beard of an alpine goat.

It's very high in calcium.

♪ Tell me now ♪

♪ I would've made all of this ♪

♪ But now it's time for face to face ♪

♪ With someone else ♪

- [Tony] Rhonda.

I think it'll be in your best interests

to undergo a complete physical.

- [Rhonda] How long do you think it will take

to perform this physical?

- Depends on the erectability variable

of the examining doctor.

- So why'd you break up with your boyfriend Gina?

- Well he couldn't satisfy me in bed.

You know Ron had no problem with me giving him head

for half an hour,

but when it came turn to reverse the polarities

he complained about terminal lockjaw.

- So Ron why did Gina break up with you man?

- I don't know,

beats the hell out of me.

- [Announcer] Thank you.

Your lab report is eight, nine, seven.

A very respectable showing Lisa.

Dr. Schullhuster would like to see you in his office

to go over your statistics one more time.

♪ Put the head on you ♪

♪ I feel my temperature rise ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ You give me something that body can't forget ♪

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ My bodies on fire but I'm dripping wet ♪

(screams)

- Oh.

I'm terribly sorry.

- No, no, it's not your fault.

- Oh do you mind love please.

Oh let's just see if I can't do a job

of mopping this up for you.

- [Glasses] You certainly do a very thorough job um?

- Sally.

- Listen Sally, there's a room upstairs

that's a little more private.

Maybe you could do a more thorough job of mopping me up?

- Oh yes dear.

- See you know what I mean.

I wouldn't worry about Gina at all,

I mean there's just too many fish in the sea.

- Yeah it looks like those two are about to go

scuba diving huh?

- Well I wouldn't mind snorkeling up

one of their Great Barrier Reefs.

- Yeah me neither.

♪ You make me sweat ♪

♪ My bodies on fire but I'm dripping wet ♪

- Hey I wouldn't drink that if I was you.

- Why not, you think maybe one of 'em

coughed a lugie in it or something?

- No, Four Eyes McConaughey dumped an aphrodisiac

in the punch bowl.

- Oh come on Lester.

There's no such thing as a real aphrodisiac, you know that.

- Okay, I'll remember you said that

when you're dry humping the furniture later on.

- I am definitely getting buzzed off this punch (laughs).

- I think I'll take a pass on the punch.

- Yeah that's a good idea.

- [Ron] Not that I think there's an aphrodisiac in there

or anything, I just think that.

Whoa, hello.

- [Lester] (laughs) What'd I tell ya?

♪ You make me sweat ♪

- There's some fucking flowers.

- You know to tell you the truth,

I haven't missed Ron a bit

since I've been making it with Carravaggio.

- Ooh Carravaggio, is he Italian.

- Made in Taiwan.

- Taiwan?

- Yeah Carravaggio is what I named my vibrator.

- Your vibrator (laughs).

- Yeah.

- Oh my god I should've known.

I got a nine incher at home I call Spud.

- Spud (laughs).

♪ My bodies on fire and I'm dripping wet ♪

- You know Ron woman have a much harder time

getting over relationships than men do.

- Yeah.

Gina's probably crying her eyes out right about now.

(laughing)

- Spud (laughs) that's classic.

- Maybe we should all go out on a double date sometime.

You, me and Carravaggio.

- Aha and Spud.

- [Announcer] Your test results are 10, six, eight.

Tying you with the other two participants.

Since these results are not conclusive,

the panel of examiners has requested the three of you

to come back for more thorough examination at another time.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I've been in love ♪

♪ A few times before ♪

♪ Even though it ends up breaking my heart ♪

♪ I come back for more ♪

♪ And when I met you ♪

♪ I felt it right away ♪

♪ That we had something you and me ♪

- Oh god, Valerie I don't know what's coming over me but,

even the dorkiest guys are starting to look doable.

- Come on get a hold of yourself Gina.

- Okay.

- [Valerie] I didn't mean like that.

- Oh sorry.

- Stop that.

♪ We just can't stop and quit it between me and you ♪

- Hmm, that's quite a big head

you got on that beer there big boy,

need any help making it go down.

- Well.

♪ And my heart starts a pounding ♪

♪ When you smile it's perfectly clear ♪

♪ Someday soon ♪

♪ You'll stay with me ♪

♪ You'll be making me the happiest girl ♪

♪ That there ever could be ♪

♪ It's getting stronger every minute ♪

- Dean Crawley and Nurse Hatcher are here.

- I know, I know and if they see what's going on

our asses are grass.

- Look, we've gotta find Four Eyes and whip up an antidote.

♪ It's getting stronger every minute ♪

♪ A magic feelings in it ♪

♪ We just can't stop and quit it ♪

♪ Between me and you ♪

- Young man, what on earth is going on out there?

- Um.

That's a new dance craze.

That's the uh, the horizontal lambada,

yeah that's what it is, it's the horizontal lambada.

- Whatever happened to those nice dances

like the fugue and watusi?

- Uh yeah.

Jeez.

- Oh I want you.

Oh take me.

Ravish me.

- I relish the thought.

What? What?

- Look Dean Crawley and Nurse Hatcher are here man.

You've gotta come up with an antidote

for the aphrodisiac quick.

- Can't it wait a few minutes?

Can't you see I'm in the middle of something

very important here.

- Oh god. - Yeah, yeah, but look

it's like Qubits gymnasium out there.

Look if we don't do something now,

the whole dorms gonna get expelled

and we will never become doctors.

- Battle stations.

- [Announcer] Attention all hospital personnel,

please stand advised that emergency procedures

must be implemented in dormitory 17 immediately.

- Why are they throwing condoms out on the dance floor?

- That's a safe sex drill.

- A safe sex drill?

- We do it at least once a week,

it keeps us in a constant state of preparedness.

- Oh.

♪ It's getting stronger every minute ♪

(moaning)

- Gina think of what this could do to your reputation?

- Would you like to dance?

- Yes.

(rock music)

- Oh yes.

- Red pepper sauce.

- [Lester] Red pepper sauce coming up.

- [Ron] Bella have you seen Gina?

- Yeah she just went up to the tunnel with local Tony.

- That prick, I'll kill him.

(moaning)

- Come on boys hurry it up.

- Quick, quick the mosquito pump.

Okay, go ahead blast it.

- What am I doing here?

- Philosopher's have been asking that question

since the dawn of time.

- Excellent, the antidote works.

We don't have any time to philosophize.

If we don't get it on the dance floor right away,

we are all gonna be royally screwed.

♪ You're so vain ♪

♪ You can feel my emotions ♪

♪ Sure to deliver ♪

♪ Will I keep offending ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ Hit and run ♪

(moaning)

- Care for some chicken dip?

- Let's go everybody out, the house is on fire.

Come on, move it.

- Just my luck.

- Not so fast there miss.

I'm here to put out the fire baby.

- Oh, my hero.

(laughing)

♪ With all the things you say ♪

♪ Things you say ♪

- This is what I like to see.

Med students having good clean fun.

- Well (laughs) keep up the good work.

- Will do sir.

(moaning)

- Oh yes Ron.

Oh.

Oh you're even better than Carravaggio.

- Who the hell's Carravaggio?

("Proud to be Loud")

♪ Listen up good ♪

♪ I got a lot to say ♪

♪ I know what I want ♪

♪ And I get my own way ♪

♪ I call 'em as I see 'em ♪

♪ I don't play by the book ♪

♪ No I don't ♪

♪ One dose of Valium ♪

♪ That's all it took ♪

♪ I've seen it, I've done it ♪

♪ I've heard it before ♪

♪ Now it's my turn ♪

♪ To settle the score ♪

♪ I'll sing it, I'll shout it ♪

♪ I'll say it again ♪

♪ I don't care if they never give in 'cause I'm ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

♪ You know I'm proud ♪

♪ Proud to be loud ♪

♪ I'm out to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt ♪

♪ Don't try to push your luck ♪