Original subtitles

? I was a normal girl Before my dad went missing

? Then his alien partner appeared

? You've got to save the galaxy There's a madman, Gore, you see

? You've got to stop him now

? Whoa, whoa, whoa I'm just a kid, why me?

? And how? See that bracelet from your dad?

? It's got secret powers What's that?

? If Gore should get it That's the key

? To set my evil army free

? I'll gather my friends She's Agent 203

? Now she can protect the world

? It's Agent 203, Agent 203. ?

'Scanning complete. Agent 203 not found.'

Ugh, ugh, the air on this ship is like an old gym bag.

I'm getting stir-crazy up here.

If I don't find Agent 203 soon and free my planet,

I might have to take up a hobby.

How humiliating would that be? Sir. We've done it.

We've finally developed an honest-to-goodness

Agent 203 Detector.

You don't say. Give me that. Hmm.

Compact form, looks just like a regular tablet.

Intuitive interface. Good, good. Thank you, sir.

So, what's the range? Ten light years? 20?

Uh, well... three. Three light years?

Disappointing, but I suppose we can make it work.

Three, um... feet. Excuse me?

It has a range of three feet.

Which is about... here.

It'll detect Agent 203 without fail

if they're within three feet of the detector.

Oh, will it? Tell me, how do you feel being this close to me?

Um... Be honest.

Nervous? Nervous, yes. And you work for me.

So tell me, how do you suppose Agent 203

is going to build up the courage to get this close to me,

Commander Gore, intergalactic warlord and tyrant supreme?

Guards. No. No. Nooooooooo!

Three feet.

203 wouldn't dare get that close.

Take your seats, please. I have an announcement to make.

I bet you he saw Bigfoot at the supermarket again.

I did see Bigfoot at the supermarket, Quigley.

He was buying kiwis.

But this isn't about that.

It's about your next project - you'll be making a movie.

CHEERING All right.

That actually sounds like fun. There must be a catch...

And the movie you'll be making

is going to be based on a script that I wrote.

BOY: There it is.

That's right, I've written the greatest motion picture masterpiece

ever to grace the page.

It's called Space Aliens From Space.

Thank you, thank you.

I've been trying to get it made for years,

but no-one's been brave enough

to take on a project of such importance.

No-one, that is, except you.

Yes, you, my brilliant students.

As a class project, I'll be directing.

It'll be very educational.

Uh... and did I mention that if you take part,

you'll get an automatic A?

ALL CHEER KID: Yeah, all right.

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

From the top.

CLEARS THROAT Join me, Zola...

I hope I get cast as an extra.

The camera loves me, you know. What about you, Zoe?

Oh, I'm staying behind the camera, thank you.

Set design sounds right up my alley. Sweet, me too.

I've always wanted to build an alien planet, and now I can.

How do you do, fellow kids?

ALL: Ulav?. Mm-hm.

What are you doing here?

I heard about your teacher's movie - stars a "good alien" named Shallax.

It's the part I was born to play.

But, Ulav, this is a class project.

And you're not in our class. Or human.

Minor details. MR ROSWELL: Next.

Watch and learn.

Uh, I'm sorry, but this audition's only open to kids in MY class.

But Mr Roswell, I am in your class.

You are? Yes.

I'm the shy kid who sits in the back and never says anything.

But I guess I'm not important enough for you to even notice.

Uh, no, not at all. Of course I recognise you.

You sit in the back. And, uh, I would love for you to audition.

Now we're talking.

Prepare your senses, because today I'll be performing a soliloquy

from everyone's favourite human playwright, Shakespeare.

Uh, we just need a few lines from the script.

Out, out, brief candle.

Life is but a walking shadow,

a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon... the stage.

But I, Shallax the Alien,

am much too, uh, fragile for space combat.

You've got to be kidding me?! Cut.

That was great, Gary, amazing.

Seriously? Ready, Kat?

Action. Beep, boop.

Do not worry, Shallax the Alien.

I, Space Agent Zola, will use my space karate to protect you.

Beep, boop. Cut. Uh, Kat?

You're not a robot. And lose the gum.

Little dab here and - Neptune. I'd say we crushed it.

Crushed it, smushed it and mushed it.

Take us to your leader. Ha.

What are you guys supposed to be? Alien goons.

Well, that or vacuum cleaners. Either way, you guys are killing it.

GORE: 'Hugh. Come in, Hugh.'

Uh, I think I hear them calling me in wardrobe.

Yes, I'm here. 'Hugh.'

For a brief, shining moment

I thought I'd have a chance to find Agent 203,

but, well... what about you?

'Any news on that front?' Me? Uh, no, I don't. Sorry.

No sign of 203 down here.

That's unfortunate. I... wait. What is that?

What's what? That. What are you looking at?

Oh. That's just my reflection. Why are you dressed like my dentist?

Oh, uh... I'm not. We're making a movie in class.

This is just my costume. A movie, huh? What's it about?

It's a sci-fi movie about a girl and her alien friend

who battle an intergalactic warlord named Varzoid,

who invades with his space fleet.

I'm playing one of his goons. What?

You're saying they know about me on Earth?

What an odd way to pronounce my name.

What? No, no. It's just a bad movie that my teacher Mr Roswell wrote.

Pfft, as if some low rent overlord actor

would dare take on the role of the most feared alien in the universe

when I'm available.

Sir, this movie is not about you.

And they already cast the part. Look.

Every great sci-fi film

needs a main character played by a sophisticated puppet.

Voila.

A puppet? I refuse to be played by a puppet.

And wearing a full face helmet?

I'm going to be a laughing stock.

What? No, you won't. Because it's not about you, remember?

The only one in the universe who can ensure my greatness

comes across on-screen is...

Oh, no, don't say it.

...me!

Let's see. I've got a tablet of my best monologues

around here somewhere.

Ah, there we are. Now prepare for my arrival.

No, please, sir, you...

Places for Zola and Varzoid's big battle scene.

Are we ready with our Varzoid?

HUGH PANTS

Gah. Away, you horrid thing.

Get that puppet into place.

Hm, let's see, what's the best monologue to get me in the zone?

Stop. In the name of space law.

Stop. In the NAME of space law.

GRUNTS

Wait, this isn't my monologue tablet.

It's that stupid Agent 203 Detector. What?

A detector that'll only detect 203

if they come within three feet of it.

Oh, no. No agent in the galaxy would be brave enough to get that close.

Oof. Hey.

Sir, hi. Um... welcome to Earth. Hello, Hugh.

You look ridiculous. Agreed. But I'm blending in.

And, sir, you need to do the same.

If these humans find out you're an alien, it'll cause mass panic.

This place will be swarming with IA patrol ships.

Don't you think I know that?

That's why I'm wearing a holographic human costume.

Uh... no, you're not.

Mmm, right. That app was on my other tablet.

Hey, what happened to Varzoid's helmet?

That helmet looks ridiculous.

What the...? Uh... it's a robot.

No, it's not. I made it myself.

I mean, I don't remember making it quite THIS ugly,

but I do know it's a puppet.

Yeah, and I used it to skin a robot frame

that I made in, uh, science club.

I packed it full of all the latest tech.

It was your idea, Mr Roswell. It was?

Hm. Well... nice job, Hugh.

I think that's worth some extra credit.

Now, where's the brain-sucker prop?

Heh! These humans are so gullible.

GIGGLING Nice.

Gore is here. On set, right now.

What?!

Is that supposed to be Neptune? It's awful.

It's like they've never even heard of the colour blorange.

Oh, my gosh, it's really him. And he's really mean.

What is he doing here?

I guess Mr Roswell talked about his movie so much

it went intergalactic.

Wait. Does he know that Zoe...?

No. He just wants to be an actor.

But that's not all, I heard him talking and... I've heard enough.

Ulav, cover me. We're taking him in.

Nooooo!

Ulav!

That tablet thing he has is an Agent 203 Detector.

It only has a range of three feet, so you can't get close to him.

What? Why? What happens if I do?

Let's see. I'm picking up a faint transponder wave.

That probably means it'll blast an alarm. Oh, now that's interesting.

A tachyon pulse.

That can only be used for locking onto your bio signature

and beaming you somewhere.

Yeah, like the brig of his ship.

That doesn't sound good. It's not.

Gore would finally have the bracelet,

and there'd be no way of getting Zoe back.

Zoe, you can't go anywhere near Gore.

Not as long as he has that tablet. We need to get hold of it somehow.

And, Zoe, you need to get out of here.

But... It's the only way.

If you get too close to Gore, your cover will be blown,

he'll get your bracelet and free his planet. Huh?

I'm sorry.

I'll be in the library. Keep me updated.

Beep, boop. You are under space arrest.

Cut! Kat, again, not a robot.

Does not compute.

Ugh! Kat, the camera needs time to process your, uh, acting genius.

Why don't you take five? No, ten. Fifteen. Excellent.

That will give me time to recharge my atomic batteries.

Zoe!

You're our new star. Now, prep for the jetpack scene.

Huh? Gah!

Whoa!

You, girl, stay out of my light.

Oh, no. Zoe!

She can't get within three feet of Gore.

Ulav, move me!

"Join me, Zola, and together we can rule the galaxy as..." What?

This dialogue is terrible. Who wrote this?

Zola and Varzoid jetpack battle scene, take one.

Action!

CLEARS THROAT You'll never take me alive,

Space Officer Zola.

Not with my jetpack.

Um... then I will put you into space stasis and take you frozen.

Almost got it... Cut!

You're doing great, kid.

So great that I'm, uh, promoting you to cue card assistant.

What?! Keep it rolling, people.

Rock, get me out of here. What?

That's not your line.

Hey, uh, they need you in make-up.

You're gonna be a star. Woo-hoo!

Hmm, now which lever? Ah! Uh-oh.

Whoa!

What is the meaning of this?

No! WAILING

What-What just happened? Help! Help!

Oh, no!

ZOE AND GORE SCREAM

Activate Microphone Charm.

Woo-hoo!

Come here, you.

Gah! Hi.

The set!

Huh. I guess we have to shoot the laboratory scene now.

Quigley, good thinking. You play the alien scientist. Action!

Um... according to these, uh, science readings,

your space-bones have mutated.

I gotta get out.

Amateurs.

ZOE GRUNTS

No, I'm not... Wait. Where's the tablet?

You fool. Watch where you're going and learn to act.

Where's Varzoid?? Now, watch a REAL actor at work.

Um, if we apply some laser medicine...

Now, if I can just hack into Gore's system... Hey!

Give me that. Varzoid, there you are.

Just in time for your entrance. SHE GASPS

Uh, why don't you take a break?

Mm. Mm-hm. This ought to do it. Action!

Take my tablet, and go do some science with it.

Cut! Those aren't the lines.

I need to split. That tablet could be anywhere.

You're right. Let's go.

Get me Zola!

Zoe...? Finally, I'm in.

There.

GASPS An EMP beam?

That's gonna fry all the electronic devices in Roddenberry.

I have to disable it.

TABLET CHIMES Nope, it's hard-wired in.

I need help. Rock, come in. What's up, Q?

This tablet is an EMP device.

I need your help to get Gore and this tablet out of here

as fast as possible.

An EMP device? That doesn't sound good.

Hmm.

Listen up. Bathroom break. Everybody take five.

I've got an idea.

These lights are stifling.

What is this planet's obsession with electricity, anyway?

So inefficient. Haven't they ever heard of dark fusion?!

There you are, you stupid tablet.

Oh, the director told me he's really happy with your scenes.

Is he the one that's been shouting at us like a rabid Klubnax?

Uh... yeah, that's him. Oh, in fact, here he is now.

Varzoid, your scenes were brilliant.

So brilliant, in fact, that we're wrapping the shoot.

That makes sense. I am amazing.

Well, let me know when this thing is released.

Goodbye, and you're welcome.

Yeah. Awesome! We did it!

That was an awesome idea, Rock.

That was fun.

Not crazy fun but a standard amount of fun.

Now, where's Hugh?

H-e-e-e-e-e-elp!

Eh, probably oiling his manifolds somewhere.

Oh, well, time to head back.

This thing sure turned out to be useless.

So long, Earth.

Guys, Gore split. It worked.

CELEBRATING

ROSWELL: Places!

ACTOR: But I wanted to pick up some power converters.

But "I" wanted to pick up some power converters.

Power CONVERTERS are what I want.

Hey, what's happening? Whoa!

Where's Shallax? Coming! Shallax is here.

Now, who's ready for an acting tour de force?

Not you again.

This is a movie, kid, not a soap opera.

Now, where's the real Shallax?

SCREAMING

ALARM

GASPS Oh, no!

What's the tablet still doing here?

And why haven't I disappeared? Don't worry, you'll be fine.

What did you do?

Well, instead of locking onto YOU,

I tricked it into locking onto the puppet.

Nice job, Quig.

TABLET: 'EMP beam deployment online in T-minus five minutes.'

Oh, no. An EMP?

An EMP beam fries all electronics in the area.

Gore set one in case he got Zoe, to stop us from chasing him.

If we don't ditch that tablet...

Then all of Roddenberry will be thrust back into the Stone Age.

No computers, no cell phones, no video games, no nothing.

We have to get it away from the city.

Hey! Where you going?!

We still need to shoot the alien egg-hatching scene.

'EMP beam activation in T-Minus 12 seconds.

'Eleven...' Ulav, are we far enough away?

Not yet. Then the water it is.

Zoe, wait! Activate Levitation Charm!

Whoo!

CHEERING

Agent 203 is in the brig?

Bring me to them. Right in there, sir.

I await my promotion.

Guards!

ZOE SCREAMS

I wanted to pick up some power converters.

But "I" wanted to pick up some power converters.

GASPS

That's me! I did it! I'm a movie star!

I actually expected it to be a lot worse.

No, please, don't get up.

Thank you, everyone, for coming to the world premiere

of my class' masterpiece, Space Aliens From Space.

I'll now be taking the film to every film festival in the country,

just as soon as I can raise enough money for the plane tickets.

So, who wants to buy some $30 popcorn?

You look so cool with a jetpack, Dad.

You're not even knocking down any planets.

You look like an action star.

Not like me, I still hate being on camera.

But I'm glad that never stopped you from taking pictures of us together.

You always made me feel like I was the brightest star in your universe.

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