Original subtitles

You've got a good place here.

I'm not looking for trouble.

Did I say that wrong?

It's Landcap.

Hello. I'm looking for Mr.

Rashida.

Sibul, what a problem.

Sibul. Turn it off.

Get it, you scum.

Hello, It's Landcap.

Get it, you scum.

Sibu, you're so beautiful.

Sibu, this is a woman. She's so beautiful.

Luggage.

Why?

This time, I really had it with Kevin.

You're never going to guess what he did.

Sounds like Mommy's little girl needs to talk to somebody.

So does Ira. He's in the kitchen.

Mother! I'm sorry, honey. I'm in a hurry. But like I told you last time,

got to learn to talk to Kevin.

Otherwise, how does he know you have a problem?

Oh, he knows.

I intentionally stopped buying his favorite cereal.

Well, if that doesn't get his attention.

Mother, I came over here to get away from all of that. Now I'm going to take

bath and think.

Rachel?

Rachel?

You come right down here this minute and take this baby!

So, William, have you ever been to an audition?

I don't know if Rachel and Kevin are really having problems or if he just

notice she had her bangs trimmed.

Tortoise shell sunglasses are out. Oh, my God, I'm a fashion don't.

I'll take them.

Anyway, if I've learned anything about Rachel, it's to stay out of it. Why do

the French love vinyl so much? Don't those people smell bad enough in clothes

that breathe?

This reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I was talking to you and

actually listened to me?

I'm sorry, darling. Is something happening in your life?

Oh, nothing much. Just a co -starring role in a TV movie with Kenny Rogers.

The Gambler?

Tell me, tell me, tell me. Was he there? Did you see him? Did you meet him? Did

you take his love to town?

play the frontier doctor, and I'm going to play a train robber who takes a

bullet in the leg.

I'd gladly take a bullet to the leg just to have him suck it out and hum a ruby.

Well, there goes tonight's sleep.

Two house salads, compliments of the gentleman at the bar.

It's been years since a stranger bought me a salad.

That's no stranger, that's my son -in -law.

Oh, I smell a Ricky Lake episode.

lettuce stuff.

For future reference, I take my salad with a twist, two shots of vodka, and

of this leafy stuff.

I was hoping I would run into you here, Mother Sheridan.

I can't tell you how annoying it is to me when you call me that. I feel like I

should live in a shoe.

So, what's up?

Well, I don't think Rachel...

would appreciate my airing out our dirty linen in front of the whole world.

Kevin, I can hear it now, or I can hear it in 20 minutes. You're calm.

All right, then.

It's simply that I work my fingers to the bone to get tenure, and when I come

home, Rachel is cold, aloof, ever so oddly formal.

That must be hell for a pistol like you.

Did you talk to her?

No. But my silence speaks volumes.

Whenever Dr.

Dick and I would fight, we would go on a bender, throw things, and then make

wild monkey love on the shards of our broken dishes.

There goes tomorrow night's sleep.

I'm probably just overreacting. I'm sure Rachel is just fine at your house. I

should just stop worrying and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Do you have any idea what that might be? A ballpark estimate?

A seven -ish? Spring?

Is he gone or still here? With him, it's so hard to tell.

He must be gone. Look, the clock is moving again.

to walk onto a sound stage.

I think you knew I was being sarcastic when I said I would come here and you

forced me to honor my word out of spite.

Look, a door.

Ooh, a log cabin.

Did you know that your great -great -granddaddy built one of these things

his own two hands?

Of course, he froze to death the first winter, being as there were only three

walls.

So, can I meet Kenny now? Huh? Huh? Can I?

What do you think?

No.

Mom, I hear they're treating Flintstones too unlawfully. I'm going to go make

sure they're not wearing real saber -toothed fur.

Zoe, don't leave now. On the first thing, I'll almost bleed to death. You

want to miss that.

Ooh, that does sound tempting.

Sybil?

Andy, director for Emmys.

May I have a word with you?

Oh, I want you to meet my daughter, Zoe.

This is my own personal take -your -daughter -to -work day. Hi, Marianne

William Morris. Where's Kenny?

Can we talk in private?

Nope. I want her to experience every aspect of what I do.

I don't want her to miss a thing.

Stay here, Zoe.

We're going to replace you.

Go away, Zoe.

Not you. It's just the producer's got this niece.

Yeah, niece that his wife doesn't know about. I hope she ends up on the cutting

room floor.

I'm sure she's been there before. That's probably how she got the job.

Does anybody have a 64 Dodge Dart?

I do.

Well, it's the funniest thing.

You know the space that you parked in marked Betty White?

Well, that's Betty White's spot.

And she's not as nice as you might think.

So she had you towed.

This is the impound lot that we use in Venice.

They open at nine.

Neath my ass.

I never get to be anybody's niece.

How come I didn't get to meet Kenny Rogers?

I'll have to move to Nashville and start stalking him.

I hate this rotten business.

Either that or she's pointing out livestock.

I'm sorry. Do I know you from somewhere?

Oh, no. But you are my biggest fan.

I am?

People from the television.

My whole family loves you.

Why?

My whole country worships you.

Her whole country? Country? You'd think they would have sent you a card or

flowers or something.

You will come to my house for dinner in Echo Park and meet my family?

You can bring your assistant.

Let's roll.

Mom, you can't be serious.

Hey, I had a rough day. If somebody wants to worship me, I'm all over that.

We're going.

Well, all right, but I'm not buying any rugs.

who candace bergen is oh i love you

go to sleep now william

mommy loves you and daddy loves you too in his own self -centered emotionally

repressed dick up his butt kind of way oh look it's step grandpa

ira now we have to be extra extra nice to him because he's having a breakdown

rage hey Ira, how's the writing going?

Not good.

I've been at Denny's all morning with an empty notepad.

Just so you know, after a couple of hours, a bottle and a cup of coffee

with a lot of attitude.

Why don't you go home?

I'm afraid of my phone.

Is it all the phones in your house or just the princess phone in the den?

Sure, make fun.

Just what are your publishers calling because you're late with your second

novel? And every time the phone rings, it's like a loud, mocking voice

screaming, Ira Woodbine, you're a fraud.

Well, maybe you should try turning the ringer off.

Thanks, Rich. I'm going back to Denny's. They're snotty there, too, but at least

they serve breakfast all day.

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Maybe I can help.

I read something about this in one of Kevin's textbooks.

The way to face your big fears is to start by facing your small ones. So

start with one of those.

Smaller than my fear of the phone?

Okay. Slow death by gradual amputation.

Also, fear of small and closed spaces and...

Tomatoes. You're afraid of tomatoes.

Oh, laughing, that helps. Did you read that in the textbook, too?

Go on.

Well, I used to love them, and then when I was eight years old, I bit into one

hole and found half a worm inside.

How did half a worm get inside?

Oh, I get it. Ew!

Okay, Ira, you really want to get over your fear of the phone?

You need to eat this tomato. I can't.

Come on, it's just like when you taught me how to ride a two -wheeler and you

said I should trust you.

And then you went flying over the handlebars and broke your elbow.

Okay, bad example.

But the point is, I trusted you and got over my fears, learned how to ride a

bike, and now I drive a Volvo.

Now, eat this tomato.

When do we get to meet Uncle Fester and Cousin It?

Sit down, sit down. Not you, Sybil.

I shall cherish it always.

He's a lazy boy of honor.

Ooh, it swivels and everything.

Is this the part where we fan you and feed you grapes?

No, but I could use a sponge bath.

Sybil, I suggest you appoint me your Lord High Chancellor.

I'll need two well -equipped gladiators and a big hat.

Oh, goody, an execution.

This just gets better and better.

Surprise!

Now,

this is what I thought it'd be like when I went into show business.

This is what I thought it'd be like if I sniffed glue.

with my family.

All right, but don't you turn around and sell it.

but I don't get it. Why me?

Oh, we show you.

I knew it. Here come the rocks.

What that was.

Island Cop.

Island Cop?

Oh, Island Cop.

Where did you see that show? It was so bad, it never even got on the air.

In our country, very long winters, very few shows.

It's number one program for seven years.

Seven years? We only did six episodes.

How I say, your acting is too touchy.

When you are happy, we are happy.

When you are sad, we are sad.

When you duck, they duck.

You give us courage to come to this country.

I am really touched.

You know, this afternoon I was feeling like nothing I ever did meant anything

anyone. Oh, you stay for dinner, yes?

I stay for dinner, yes. I am Seba!

Do you think Kevin would ever give William a night feeding?

Oh, no. He needs to sleep.

So why am I spending my time strapped to a milking machine like some Guernsey,

huh? Very unfair.

Why don't you let me out of the closet and we'll talk about it?

Uh -uh -uh.

Nobody gets over claustrophobia in less than five minutes.

It already feels like Montana in here. Hey, look at all that space.

Let me out!

And you know what else Kevin does? For the love of...

He comes home from work and gives me a kiss and goes straight to his computer.

And it's like, hello, I am flesh and blood and that is an appliance?

Old MacDonald had a collective.

They grew food and yet they starved.

With a red guard here and a red guard there. Here a guard, there a guard,

everywhere a guard guard.

Trust no one, your son's a spy.

and her husband, Kevin, and my grandson, William.

Oh, what a happy couple.

Actually, they're not speaking to each other right now.

Oh, no, this is a tragedy.

What you're doing for this?

Nothing. I don't want to interfere.

What? Oh, I cannot believe that you, Islin Cop, can sit back and watch family

torn apart. You should be kicking their teeth like you do in the TV.

They didn't really go for that at my house.

Young... People do not know what they want until you tell them.

Interfere is good.

Interfere is a way to say, I love you.

Watch this.

Is this

what

you people do all day? Put on shows?

That's from my mother, Natasha.

When Vasily and I were in a fight and not talking, my mother sent us to the

of the mountain with the goats and shoot at us if we tried to come down.

The mountain and the gun wouldn't be a problem, but where can I get a goat this

time of night?

It just doesn't seem fair.

All of you crammed in here and me rattling around all alone in my big,

house.

I take you all home with me.

We'll make a wonderful life together.

I'll pack your lunch in the morning.

I'll send you off to work in your little taxi.

I'll be waiting for you when you get home with a fabulous meal that one of

women has cooked.

And I'll give you all names.

Ned and Nan, Abelard, Genesis.

And you can be Lancelot.

And you can all call me...

Snow White.

Damn it. Yaganosh is good.

Come on, Snow White. Time to go home.

Everybody, come to say goodbye. Drive home easily, you cop.

Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

I'd just like to say one thing before I leave.

the tomato. You mastered the closet. I think you know what's next.

Hi,

Howard. It's Ira Woodbine.

Look, about the novel.

I'm completely blocked.

Haven't written a word.

Really?

Great.

I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning.

Thank you, Howard.

Bye -bye.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Now all I have to do is mail back my advance.

And here's the best part.

I've already spent it.

$75 ,000.

Oh, God, what am I going to do?

Well, at least you're not afraid of the phone anymore.

You son of a bitch!

You stinking... Mom,

hi!

Bad Ira!

Go home!

I can't go home.

There are all those postage stamps there.

Watching.

Waiting.

I've never seen this lovably psychotic side of him before. It's charming.

It's easy for you to say. You're not genetically linked.

You, sit down.

Kevin, get in here. Kevin. I kidnapped him.

Mother Sheridan, what are you doing? Shut up. I'm interfering.

Sit down.

Don't mess with Iceland cops.

Lord, how did you two ever conceive a child?

Kevin, I want you to scream something at Rachel. Oh, I will not. Grace, Kevin!

That should be easy for you.

Tell her you're sick of her running to her mother every time there's a problem.

Tell her you're sick of taking care of the baby night and day without any help.

This really isn't my style.

You're going up the mountain with the goats, pal.

And I'm a good shot.

What is she talking about? Yeah!

What is she talking about?

like you're the only one who knows how to take care of him. I'll give you a

chance any time you want. And stop telling me that everything I do with him

wrong. Let's go to dinner and talk about it. Well, where do you want to go?

Somewhere romantic.

Fine.

Well, you got them talking again.

Yeah, and I didn't even need a goat.

Or livestock of any kind.

Jagannose? D 'Armenia.