Original subtitles

How have we managed to stay together all these years? It's simple.

I never listen to a single word your father says.

I mean, I can see his mouth move, but to me it sounds like Charlie Brown's

teacher.

Very nice. Your delivery was

quite serviceable.

Serviceable? Great. That's just what I was going for.

Well, don't get discouraged, sir.

Use the props to illuminate the text.

For example, you're holding a can of pledge, but you didn't do anything with

Well, that's because my character and I don't like to clean.

What your character doesn't like is her husband.

I need to see that in her cleaning.

Okay, go.

Huh?

How have we stayed together all these years? I don't see the anger.

Think of that pledge as a big can of rage.

Spray the rage, Sybil.

Spray the rage!

I never listen to a single word you put us out! More, Sybil! You hate to clean!

I can see us letting go! Who are you cleaning for? Him!

But to me it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher!

That's it!

Okay, everyone.

That's all the time we have today.

Think bold.

Be fearless.

And remember, an actor acts.

Good scene.

Thanks. Just one note.

No matter how angry you get, never polish against the grain.

My character and I think you should mind your own business.

Thanks, Trevor.

I like it when you push me to take risks.

And in that spirit, would you like to go out with me tonight?

Oh, sure.

I'm sorry, but that delivery wasn't very convincing.

I would love to.

Pedestrian.

Sybil, with every fiber of my being, I would feel privileged to escort you

anywhere.

Now try it with a southern accent.

Just kidding.

Pick me up at 8.

He gives you that much every month?

Not the amount.

The memo line.

Hmm. Blood money for the whore of Babylon?

I thought you were from Buffalo.

Oh, look. There's Ira Woodbine. Famous writer.

Must be using Windows 95 to pick up chicks again.

It's over. It's all over. Having trouble getting started on your new book?

What new book?

I'm blocked. I'm empty. I couldn't even knock out a pamphlet.

Oh, Ira, I know you have trouble getting started, but I want you to know I am

behind you every step of the way.

I hope they have that pasta cob thing today.

Sybil, you gotta let me work at your house.

Oh, no.

See, when we were living together, I could really write.

It could have been the agony of our marriage. It could have been the

I don't know.

A week, just to get started.

But you order one pay -per -view movie, and you're out of there.

Table for two for the acting teacher's pet.

Our specials today are filet of suck -up and the brown nose pot pot.

Speaking of no tip.

I'll be right back with your complimentary drink.

So, where are you and Olivier going tonight? Another tractor pull?

Trevor and I are going to a new play at the Taper.

I have never dated a more talented and inspiring man, and lordy can he pack a

pair of Levi's.

So, tell me, have you bagged the buck?

No, but I've got him in the crosshairs.

I wouldn't trust your aim. It's been over a year since you squeezed off a

One more hunting metaphor and you're going to end up strapped to the hood of

car.

Oh, look, somebody's visiting her boyfriend.

Do they live here?

Hi, Sean!

Zoe, come on over.

I once dated a boy named Sean. Sean Garrett. He's a woman now.

Here, sit down, honey. Hi, Zoe.

So, visiting your boyfriend at work, huh?

Sounds serious.

Hey, why don't you just say it, Mother? Are you two having sex?

No. Are you?

You know very well I took a vow of chastity.

Sybil, that's what you should do. Call it a vow.

Well, that's very funny, but I've chosen chastity because it simplifies my life

and provides me with a sense of serenity.

I can tell.

Honey, you do know there are ways to release that serenity.

Oh, no, I'm not having this conversation with you.

All right, but you know there's some excellent books on the subject.

Sex for One by Betty Dodson. I'm gone.

Delight me, Sybil.

Marianne, remember when you called and I said, I have a date, don't come over?

What I meant was, I have a date, don't come over.

Guess how I punished Dr.

Dick.

You remarried him?

Worse, I called the FBI and told them he was the Unabomber.

Oh, he writes a nasty crack on your alimony check.

You call the feds on him.

Sounds fair.

Pretend I'm not here. I'm very busy.

This is me being busy.

Gee, I ought to at least buy me dinner first.

I'm looking for this stapler. I can't find it anywhere.

I stopped keeping it under Marianne's ass weeks ago.

I'll keep looking.

Stapler, huh? It must have written at least two pages.

Hey, smell me. Hey, bite me.

Do you have a date tonight?

Oh, that's right, I do.

Where the hell is that poppin' gun?

I didn't know she was at the banging the pots around stage.

They grow so fast.

Soon she'll be walking.

Excuse me.

Let me guess, you're having a problem with Sean.

No, I'm not having anything with Sean. Are you happy? Because I'm happy!

I'm glad.

Honey, I'm proud you did. to stay celibate. A lot of kids your age

In fact, when I was your age, nobody could, unless you're in the ROTC.

Even the Summer of Love couldn't help those people.

Mom?

I know. Get lost.

I have all these feelings for Tom, but I made this vow to myself, and I'm sure

he wants to, and I just don't know what to do.

You had a lot of reasons to make this vow, and one of the reasons could have

been you just weren't ready.

Could we number these useless platitudes? That way, next time, you

go, Zoe, seven.

I think those little, uh, things you light fire with.

Matches? Boy, you are blocked.

They're in the living room.

Hey, if you decide to set yourself on fire, don't stand near my new drape!

You know, Zoe, I was barely 20 when I married Dr. Dick.

Is this going to get personal? No, not at all.

We were both virgins.

I never told your mother that.

I wanted her to respect me, so I always led her to believe I was a tramp.

Well, Sean and I don't know... Zoe, this is a story about me.

It was our wedding night.

Richard scattered rose petals all over our bed.

lovingly carried me through the threshold, and we tenderly experienced

other for the very first time.

Did I ever tell you I want supergluteus penis to his thigh?

Okay, the matches were right above the statement.

Hello? Sean, hi.

Oh, good, I want to tell him the story, too.

What's my curling iron doing down here?

I needed it like it was.

I couldn't get past my blocks, so I decided to strike out into a new

Is that my TV remote?

Maybe.

Ira, I'm worried about you.

Relax. Write anything just to get the juices flowing.

Complain to the airlines. Remember how that used to soothe you? Okay, okay.

I've really got to get going.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah, Sib. Thanks a lot. I'll be fine.

Dear Pacific Asia Airways, I am writing to complain that

I have no talent.

I enjoy working with you in class, Sybil, but I must say it's even more

delightful spending time with you out in the real world.

Wow. Most men never use the word delightful unless they're talking about,

know, boxing.

If you don't mind my asking, why don't you act anymore?

I realized I was born to teach, though I do still get offers.

I'm not surprised.

I'm about to make you one myself.

In fact, a friend of mine just asked if I'd be interested in dusting off my one

-man show.

You have a one -man show?

Is there a part in it for me?

It's an evening of Shakespearean monologues.

I do miss the stage.

Embracing every creative impulse.

Abandoning all inhibitions.

Surrendering to end things.

And finally, achieving the sublime golden moment when you and the audience

one. Oh, yes, Sybil, you're right. When I get home, I'm going to pull out all my

old notes and start right to work.

Yes, seize them all.

Energy in the air before the curtain goes up, a live performance.

That's the stage.

And Sunset Boulevard, the pool was bigger than that.

No, Marianne, it's a one -man show.

Actual theater.

There'll be no singers on roller skates, no helicopters landing, no dancing

teapot. Oh, well, we'll do something fun afterwards.

No, Trevor and I will do something fun afterwards.

At least I vaguely remember it being fun.

Well, I'm going to do something better than sex.

Revenge.

Dr. Dix laid it to front.

In response to your prank, I hope you don't mind, I poisoned a bottle of your

finest wine.

So good luck, you'll need it. It's my turn to gloat. I hope you die painfully,

you raspy old goat.

Raspy old goat?

A term of endearment he used to use.

I never thought he'd turn it against me.

you have to throw out your entire collection of wine.

Don't be absurd.

It just means one day I'm going to drink that bottle and die.

a fully developed male mounts the frisky female.

And the keys feel good.

Zoe and Sean are here cheering me on.

Now they're standing.

Now they're leaving.

We're going out for a cappuccino.

There they go.

Now I'm all alone.

No distractions.

You know what they say. Those who can do. Those who can't are still a lot

than this.

That's it, Korean.

Isn't it

painful for him

to keep falling like that?

I sure hope so. It seems only fair.

Absent thyself from felicity a while.

And draw thy breath.

In pain.

To tell my story.

I know it sounds shallow.

But I just don't think I could ever stoop such a locks.

Yeah, I guess.

Um, listen, Sean.

I've been thinking.

You know my vow of chastity?

Very well.

And I, uh, I want you to know that I respect it.

Yes, well... Don't.

Don't?

Zoe. Zoe.

What?

What? Don't you want to... Yeah, yes.

Yeah, of course.

Of course I do, but, um... I don't know. I kind of like celibacy. It's painful,

but I like it.

Really?

No, not really.

Um, but, you know, this is going so well, I'd hate to ruin it by... by

any better.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Really?

I thought you'd be disappointed in me.

No, I'm relieved, actually.

Me too.

Sybil, my muse!

Are you as exhilarated as I am?

You bet.

I got a big rush when it was over.

I want to know what you think.

Don't hold back.

Use as many superlatives as you see fit.

Okay.

I like the writing.

And all the seats face the stage.

And they say you should eat five fruits a day, so from that standpoint, you

should be feeling really good about yourself.

You didn't like the show, did you?

Well, no.

God,

I could use some sex.

So do yours.

You're not devastated at all, are you?

Well, if there's one thing I've learned, it's never to listen to the critic.

Of course, I have no qualms about sleeping with them.

Can we take two cars or one?

I can't, Trevor.

Why not? This was going to be our magical night.

Suppose there was an acting student who was attracted to her teacher because she

thought he was incredibly talented, but then she found out she was wrong.

Oh, so horribly wrong.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that's what's happened here?

I'm afraid so. I thought it'd be less painful in the third person.

Goodbye, Trevor.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Eh, put a plum in it.

I can honestly say that was a truly bad night in the theater.

I walked out feeling like Mary Todd Lincoln.

But tonight no one got shot, unfortunately.

Hello, ladies. Did you have fun tonight?

You're looking better. Did you have a breakthrough?

You bet. I finally came up with an idea that makes sense.

Would you excuse me a moment? I hope it involves you writing at your house.

As God is my witness, I will never write again!

Die, you stinking bastard!

I'm free!

Yikes.

You know, Carole King was right. At night the stars really do put on a show

free. Uh -huh, that's great, Ira.

Hey, I didn't hear you kids come in.

Thanks, Sean.

Tonight was, uh, really special.

Ah, boy, I'm famished. Anybody else hungry?

I could eat.

Marianne, something happened here tonight.

Something that didn't happen to you.

I'm worried I didn't prepare enough.

Well, except for the lectures, the books, and the puppet shows you left her

completely in the dark.

I must have done something right. I didn't look that happy after my first

Of course, my mother walking in on us with warm cookies didn't help.

My first time was much less traumatic. You know, the usual high school football

game under the bleachers.

Happened so fast, he didn't have time to put down his sousaphone.

Hey, Zoe, let's talk. I'm here for you.

I'm surprisingly okay about doing this, considering, of course, that breaking

and entering is a felony.

Felony schmelony.

Yes.

Ooh, dick, dick, dick.

Poisoning my wine and calling me an old goat.

Will he never learn?

Ready? Ready.

goat that's just eaten seven burritos and more bran flakes than the entire

of Boca Raton.

Marianne, remind me never to divorce you.