All language subtitles for We Might Regret This s02e01.eng

This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour

- Oh, Ty, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my God!

- A 24-hour PA thing.
- Carer?

You don't do a single thing for her,
you lazy fuck!

I wondered whether these might
look better on someone standing.

Ty, you're fired.

How long before we can get
a replacement, do you think?

- WHISPERS:
- I need you.

Fine, I'll do it.

- I'm like the Pied Piper of piss.
- SHE LAUGHS

Oh, shit!

You're wiping piss on a model!

Shut up.

POP!

Frida heat.

- I'm actually an artist.
- Oh, my God, I'm an artist, too.

If there's one thing that people
love right now, it's this.

Yeah? It's all of this.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Naked 5k!

Time me, OK?

I would like a divorce...

..please.

Levi, Jo. Jo, Levi.

- Levi is Abe's son.
- Hi.

Hello.

Oh, my God, you're fucking Levi.

SHE LAUGHS

Just kidding.

That would be, like, the worst thing
that you could ever do.

You might be good for Freya,

but you're not good for us.

Jane called me. She said
she doesn't work here any more.

BABY CRIES DISTANTLY

BABY CRIES

When you're alone, frustrated,
and have no help,

some things feel out of reach.

Benefits shouldn't be.

If your condition makes everyday
tasks hard, you may be eligible...

Cut! Uh. Let's reset.

It's not you, Freya.

Get a move on. Going again.

- BELL RINGS
- Right, where's the real crying baby?

All good? Need anything?

Yeah - gun with a single bullet
would be great.

Hey, how do we feel about that one?

Oh, er, I guess you tell me.

Oh, please.
I follow a very actor-led approach.

Loved it.

Ah, interesting.

I felt it really didn't work.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, erm, what's missing for you?

This. I need raw, real,
that lived experience.

You saying, "Hey, if something
is wrong with your body,

"the Government will throw you
a fiver."

- Got it.
- We'll go for another one.

This time,
when you're looking around,

could you give it a bit more, erm,
helpless in the eyes?

Sure thing.

Shall we workshop it?

Hmm, yeah.

Er, yeah, OK. Erm...

OK, that's too helpless.
That's Unicef.

And dial it down.

Further...

..further, and back up.

Hey, did you see that?

It's called
professional collaboration, people.

Look it up.

Where's the fucking baby?

Oh, there she is.

Are you pre-retirement
Serena Williams?

Because you were serving out there.

OK, what's four plus four?

- Eight.
- And that's exactly what you did, girlie pop.

You ate them up.

I'm sorry.
I just can't do this any more.

Oh, no, is it David?

He does tend to rub people up
the wrong way,

- sometimes literally.
- God, do you remember that one time?

No, it's... It's not him.
It's my art -

my immersive sculpture,
my oil portraiture.

You know, the work that I love
to do, but never get a chance to?

Sorry, what was that?

But I can still do the occasional
job, depending on what it is.

No, no, no, no, no.
That ring.

Is that...?

Could you possibly have failed to
tell us you're fucking engaged?

Oh, that's a casual ring.

- Totally casual.
- That signifies betrothal?

He proposed last week.

THEY SQUEAL

As in this last week?

- Ty, fuck's sake.
- This is big, big, big, big news.

- Huge news for us as your reps.
- Mm-hm.

- SHE GASPS
- Do you know who should do her dress?

- BOTH:
- Bean.

- Bean?
- Mr Bean.

Not Mr Bean.

Beanie McElroy,
bridal wear visionary.

You two will fall in love.

- Let us set up a collab.
- Yes.

Oh, that's OK.
No, you don't need to.

Worst case, there's no spark.

Best case, a chic, custom-made,
specially discounted bridal garment.

- Huge exposure.
- I'm calling her. I'm calling her now.

But what's in it for her?
It's not like I...

- A legit disabled bride
as your canvas is gold dust. - Uh!

Anyone who gives a hoot about
incluse representaysh will froth.

Darling, it's Liv.

I've got fashion's fave
tetraplege model/upcoming artiste...

/soon to be bride here.

OK, yeah, yeah, one sec, one sec.

What are we thinking?

- Fine.
- She said yes.

I know she said yes.

- Bean.
- Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

It's a yes.

Let's sync calendars. Let's do this.

Hey, darling. Hope you're
in the mood for a lovely surprise,

Levi's here!

Yay!

It's me, Levi.

Needs somewhere to stay.

Right.

- Yeah.
- Hey, well, you look amazing.

Thank you...I think.

I've been out hustling in search
of gainful employment.

Where? The certified hottie
getting himself together

after being dumped by
someone he was far too good for

in the first place factory?

Erm, er, no.

Nando's, mainly.

- Hot.
- Well, you look like you're doing better.

Don't let the new
coat of paint fool you.

I'm still extremely mental.

Found him curled up
in the spare bedroom this afternoon.

Jo's old bedroom.

You were having a healthy cry,
weren't you, boy?

Yes, because the duvet
still smelt of her.

And my mother says that
my heartbreak has an odour to it.

Jane was never keen on anyone
emoting around her, was she?

Yeah. Although I will say

she has been particularly apathetic
towards my despair.

Well, don't expect
a pity party from us here.

Yeah. Cos we're actually thriving
without Jo at the moment.

Aren't we, guys?

Yeah, the dynamics here
are rock-solid

and we don't need any setbacks.

Well, you'll get no trouble from me.
I'm a good boy.

It's up to you, darling.
Is that a little bit acidic?

Ooh, no.

Lovely body.

Right, shall we go sit down?

How can I help?

So they're besties all of a sudden?

Yeah, they've been like this
since Jo left.

It's fucking annoying.

Yeah, and I'm guessing you haven't
heard from Jo since...?

Since you asked me last week
or the week before that.

OK, I'm just, like, starting to
get a little bit worried that

maybe we have, like, a missing
person situation on our hands.

- She's fine.
- Yeah, but what if she's been kidnapped or trafficked

or fallen down a big, big well?

Or maybe this is just what Jo does.

She, I don't know,
appears when you want her the least

and Houdinis when you need her most.

And we are ready!

You know, you're welcome to stay
here as long as you need.

Just try and keep the cry-wanking
to a minimum.

Oh, no,
you'll barely hear a thing...

..in the daytime.

The nights are going to be
horrendous.

So true.

So somehow my attempt to soft-quit
ended up with me being

gently bullied by the Olivias
into meeting someone called Bean

who makes wedding dresses.

HE CHUCKLES

I think they're probably just
a bit over-excited, aren't they?

I mean, it's a wedding.
It's exciting.

Yeah, Abe, it is exciting.

I mean, it's not not exciting.

It's just,
I don't want to be consumed by it.

Yeah, no, I get that. I'll just...

Yeah, take it nice and slow.

Great, cos I've always found
a long engagement to be very chic.

When you say long...

Erm, I guess the timeline in my head
was maybe two years.

Two years?!

Yeah.

Two YEARS?

Yeah.

- PENSIVELY:
- Two years.

Yeah. That's very relaxed.

- Yeah.
- So, so chic.

Just want to rejoin the art world,

save up so I can contribute
to the wedding, you know?

Hashtag Equality, babe.

I just think it's
so exciting to be engaged.

Right? That's the fun part,
not spreadsheeting florists.

Well, you say that.
Florists get booked up.

I mean, you know, we want
tulips from Holland at peak bloom,

and a certain colour palette.

I don't know.
We haven't even discussed that.

What is the colour palette?
What is the theme?

What is the range?
Are we doing pastel?

- Are we doing autumnal?
- OK, you're spiralling.

And this isn't my first wedding,
remember?

I have learned things.

First rule - cousin with the snakes,
not in charge of anything.

You see, when you bring up your last
wedding, it stops being so hot.

Well, I hear that.

Oh, Freya, the bridesmaids,
currently just me,

have some mood boards
to be looked over ASAP.

Current colour palette, virgin dusk.

Whenever you're ready.

I'll be... Yeah.

It is down here...I think.

Don't worry, I dropped a pin.

Now, if we vanish,
they'll have a breadcrumb trail.

But who did you share the pin with?

Oh, no-one who'd look for us.

Is this, er...?

It's kind of...

- Yeah.
- This is it.

It's you!

Ah!

- Oh!
- Oh!

BOTH: Ooh. Oh. Ooh.

Ah! It's you and it's me.

And one for the chair.

Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

- LAUGHING:
- Come on in.

Follow me into the creative lair.

The Bean machine,
as I like to call it.

THEY LAUGH

Do you know?
I started out in TV costume,

but people just kept
throwing the clothes at me.

It was laundry, laundry, laundry.

So finally I just said,
"Burn it down."

And I torched the van
with all the costumes in.

- Oh, wow.
- Unfortunately, I also lived in that van,

so I was without a home
for a while, but...

But then I started posting
bridal gowns on socials,

built up quite a following.

Now, very happy life.

Wow! What a journey you've had.

Never stop being positive.

If someone says
it's going to rain tomorrow,

be sure to tell them how great
that'll be for the farmers.

That's Yoko Ono on Twitter.

I say that all the time.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

So you are getting married when?

Oh, we haven't set a date yet.

Oh.

And are you feeling peaceful?

I think so, yeah. Yeah.

To create a more peaceful world
requires a peaceful mind

and a peaceful heart.

That was the Dalai Lama. On Twitter.

They tried to cancel him.

I remember.

- Right, let's have a look-see.
- Mm.

Now, this is a dress
made entirely out of coins.

It's a protest against
the wedding industrial complex.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh.

Yeah.

But, for you, I think
something more...minimal.

I think so, yeah.

Minimal, minimal.

I think we should try this.

This is half a dress

for someone who's half-certain
about getting married.

I mean, it could be a skirt,

but I think that makes
less of a statement.

Anchovies.

Oh, no, thank you.

Yes, please.

Ah!

It's a fish.

- That's what anchovies are.
- I know.

Mm-hm. It's nice.

- Do you want another?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh! Yum!

Mm.

BEAN INHALES SHARPLY

Now, this one matches your aura.

If you don't mind me saying so,
you carry the...

..the energy of someone
deeply lonely.

There's clearly a slice of sadness
to this wedding.

Something missing.

I mean,
maybe it's just who you brought.

Oh, well, this is...
This is Ty. She's my PA.

Right. No best friend? No sister?
No prosecco auntie?

Why so alone like a wedding orphan?

No, no, no, that's...
That's not the case.

I mean, Freya is surrounded
by people, you know.

And also, her and Abe are
absolutely perfect together.

- You wouldn't believe.
- Right. Then why is she crying?

TEARFULLY: I'm not.
I'm not crying.

- WHISPERS:
- Oh, my God!

Oh, I am. Er...

Yeah, not that you hit a nerve,
cos, erm...

Definitely nothing you said.

- Er...
- Do you know, a wedding is a place of joy,

yes, but it's also a place
of oneness,

not just with the other...

- WHISPERS:
- ..but with oneself.

Who was that? Dalai or Yoko?

It was just me.

On Twitter.

SHUTTER DOOR RUMBLES

Pretty amazing, isn't she?

That was something.

Oh, I can smell the anchovies
coming out of your pores.

It's still in my mouth.

Oh, my God, Ty, spit it out.

- Feel better now.
- Oof!

You know, I don't blame you
for her leaving.

Well, yeah, why would you blame me?

Well, because you scared her off
that night.

- Oh,
- I - scared her off?

The two of you spoke, and then
she left, never to be seen again.

I assume there was
some kind of fight.

Oh, really? Really?

And you didn't think that maybe
it was you announcing

in front of everyone that you loved
her that maybe scared her off?

Yeah, that's a dizzyingly high
soapbox you're on here.

There is nothing that will
scare Jo off more than

premature love-bombing
over-committedness.

It was mutual love-bombing.

The truth is, Levi, maybe you were
just a bit young for her.

Seriously, you and Daddio?

At least Jo and I
are the same generation.

We're both millennials, I think.

You're right. Not young - immature.

You think I'm immature?

I'm not immature.

I'm not... If you think I'm
immature, then you're a bitch.

Sorry. Whoa!

I'm immediately so sorry.

SHE LAUGHS

That was awful of me.

Holy shit. You're a bitch.

Yes, I am a bitch. I'm a bitch.

Look, Freya, Jo's been
a really good friend to you.

She's dealt with things that you
didn't even know were happening,

got on with it without complaining
because she cares about you.

She's... She's your best friend.

What are you going to do,
get married without her?

How does that work?
That'd be so weird.

Look, you and I both need her
to come back.

Sorry again for calling you a cunt.

You called me a bitch.

Oh, no, this was earlier,
when you were out.

OK, bad news.

A bunch of your socks shrank.

But - silver lining -

if you're planning on having a baby,
how cute!

- Cock sock?
- Mm...no, I've got plenty, thank you.

Clearly, at some point,
we will have to address this.

Address what?

This radiating sensual energy
between us.

I know you've got a thing for PAs,

but professionalism comes first
for me.

So if you want to try
something on, fine, yeah,

but just wait until after
evening hours, yeah?

I have absolutely no intention
of doing that.

Yeah. Look, if anything does happen,

erm, I guess I'll have to ask Freya
formally if I should resign.

You won't need to do that.

SHE SIGHS

Bless you.

Don't look.

GROOVY AFRICAN POP PLAYS

This'll be it. Very pretty.
Love it.

- I love this.
- Got to be...

- Wow!
- Oo-er! - Not what I pictured.

No, I kind of pictured
neck tattoos, facial hair.

Or maybe neck beard, facial tattoos.

Someone more Rag'n'Bone Man.

- Yes, in a way, I was expecting
THE Rag'n'Bone Man. - Yeah.

Well, you must be the Olivias.

- BOTH:
- How did you know?!

- Oh.
- Ah, roses!

Love that.

Oh, my goodness.

Hi! We were in the area and thought,
"Why not pop in?"

Is that so weird?

Well, you're just in time
for coffee.

- Gorgeous.
- So bougie. Mm! Didn't see it coming.

Right, first up, Bean adored you.

Oh! She wants to do the dress,
the bridesmaids,

the bridal headwear,
all free of charge.

- Seriously?
- Mm.

No, I thought Bean hated me.

What?! No, the opposite.

She had a vision about you.

Now, we might have promised her
a tagged carousel post,

- and this got our hive minds buzzing.
- Yeah.

We thought, "Why stop at the dress?

"Why not roll out
an entire campaign?"

With the both of you.

You both.

I don't know.
I'm not an influencer.

I once live-streamed my chin
for six minutes.

I don't know, this all sounds
very proactive, doesn't it?

Might get things moving.

Right. You like inclusivity.

Six story posts, and you could be
gifted a fully accessible,

fully comped London venue,
in London.

You know, we're thinking of getting
a hashtag going.

How about hashtag WheelieInLove?

Or hashtag JustRollWithIt.

OK, these sound like hate crimes,
but, er, go on.

And you'll receive a bespoke
wedding wheelchair.

I shudder to think
what that looks like.

Oh, well, I'll tell you right now.

It's a chair
with a veil attached to it.

- Wow.
- That is a hell of an offer.

- I mean, we should talk about it.
- No, we won't.

- We won't? No?
- No.

This doesn't sound like a wedding.

This sounds like inspiration porn.

Yeah, but, I mean, it takes
care of any, erm, contributions.

- Could be fun.
- Which part?

Hashtag WheelieInLove?

OK, Freya, hear us out,

because we've also been
thinking about your art.

Now, do you know the artist Anddii?

Two Ds, two Is.

We got her from 900 followers
to 200,000.

Now she's exhibiting
at the Beige Rectangle.

This is what it can do.

Visibility, platform.

Then you flop out the work.

So you really think
this could actually help

- with my platform for my artwork?
- Exactly.

Think art meets commerce
meets inclusivity.

And we completely exploit that,
tastefully.

DOORBELL RINGS

- LEVI:
- I've got it!

- Hey, Mum.
- Hi, love. How you doing? I've got your...

In the end, you'd be in
total creative control.

- Dad? Why don't you give it to me?
- You can't be trusted...

Don't go in there, cos there's
people, obviously, in there.

- Oh, shit. Sorry.
- They're doing a thing.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- ABE: - How about that?

- Can I...?
- ABE: - Come on.

- JANE:
- No, I just... I've got a Levi survival kit.

- Just give it to me
instead of to Dad. - Yeah.

- Pants...
- I'm 29. - ..pills, roll-on deodorant.

- ABE:
- I'll look after that.

I'll have them.
They're my pills for MY depression.

Yeah, no, no, no, it's fine.
We'll just meter them out.

- OK, so this is Jane, er,
Abe's ex-wife. - Hi.

- BOTH:
- Oh! - And Levi, his son.

Blended family angle.

Gorgeously relatable.

Lovely stuff.

OK, well, I'm probably
going to go because I...

No, stay, stay.
We love building out Freya's world.

Erm, I hear you're writing a book.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That's amazing. What's it about?
- Good for you.

Monogamy in gibbons.

- What else?
- Oh, back to the gibbons.

Well, it's not just gibbons,
actually.

It's also penguins,
who don't, it turns out,

propose to each other with pebbles.

That's a Disney myth.

And, erm, a lot of them
are paedophiles...

- Nonces.
- ..to be honest. They are.

And humans, of course.
So, yeah.

I'm using a few examples
from our own marriage.

Well, that's interesting.

Which examples might they be?

- Jane...
- You're going to have to read it to find out.

- Yes?
- Do you have reps?

Representaysh.

Jo!

Woo!

It's five steps to launching you
through the lens of this wedding.

And monetising it
so people pay you to get married.

I think we should do it.
I think it will be great for you.

- JANE:
- I think it's a good idea.

I think people should pay you
to get married.

I...I don't know.

It just feels a bit like
selling your soul.

ABE SCOFFS

- AMERICAN ACCENT:
- Listen, for a free venue,

you can do what you want
with my soul. Am I right?

OK. It feels, like,
about as authentic as that accent.

I mean, doesn't it just
seem a bit...

Morally bleak, spiritually violent?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

I don't think so. I think it
goes all the way through,

past morally bleak and
spiritually violent,

through tacky,
and comes out as a work of art.

I mean, you don't think we'd end up
as some kind of, like,

I don't know, over-designed
circus or a freak show?

No, no, no, no, it's not a circus.
It's not a freak show.

No, not at all. Uh-uh.

- No, it is a brand journey.
- Mm.

Yes? And you have something to say.

I mean, I guess I could be
a bit more online.

- Yes!
- Yes, there she is.

Look, there is so much good here -

- disabled joy, an interabled wedding.
- Yes.

More than ever, it is vital
that disabled people feel seen.

I think it's genius.

You know who'd really hate this
fake allyship bullshit? Jo.

You know, what does the...

the walk down the aisle look like?

- MUFFLED:
- What does the first dance look like...?

- These are the questions that
people actually... - Yes.

If you were asking me, I'd give you
a big, fat yes right now.

But they're not asking you,
are they?

Yes, they are.

Well, technically
they're asking both of them.

Yeah, but Dad's got no integrity
because he's a lawyer.

- That's not true.
- Said every lawyer everywhere.

- BOTH:
- Well, we're asking Freya!

Oh! There's that look
the director wanted.

DOORBELL RINGS

Jo!

Freya?

How did you...?

Find My Friends. You never
switched off your location.

OK, well, that feels invasive.

- Who's that guy?
- What the fuck is that on your finger?

How does everyone
have, like, ring radar?

Are you seriously engaged?

Oh, what, and you're here to see
if I can help you get out of it?

No, I'm here to see
if you're still alive.

Dick.

Levi's been a complete mess
while you're clearly living up

the high life with Pepe Le Pew.

That? No, that's
my 23-year-old boss.

And he's Spanish, by the way.

HORN TOOTS

Wait a second, please.

And, FYI, the high life
is me translating dirty talk

for some horny Spanish
soccer wunderkid

who can barely tie
his own fucking shoelaces.

Well, FYI, I'm glad that
it's not just my life

that's sucking total ass right now.

Oh, the shit people
have been saying,

and I couldn't even text you.

No, you could have.

Well, you owe me an apology.

No, you owe ME an apology!

Oh, surprise, surprise - deflecting
to avoid accountability.

OK, you know what? Bye.

Aperol Spritz.

OK, so...?

One drink. Saturday?

What would Abe think?

I don't know.

That's why I'm not
going to tell him.

Time is 0900 hours.
We can begin.

- You lied.
- I didn't lie.

I just wasn't telling the truth.

Why didn't you tell me
that Jo is stalking you?

- BOTH:
- Action.

- I have a lifetime...
- Down on one knee.

What? Huh?

What...was that?

Am I going to fuck a Smurf?

Freya, what do you want to do?
You want to call off the wedding?

Are you scared of the dress's
disruptive potential or your own?

People are gagging for more.

Oh! They are retching.

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