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HONEYMOONS

Dearest...

Her parents are not here. Alas, they've passed away.

Fosca, lengthen your stride, you're not in step.

_ But my dress is tight. - Do something about it.

Hello. No bother at all, I assure you.

Read me the results. Leucocytes?

Lymphocytes? VES?

Okay, suspend the ''Trimagon 300'' and take ''Loposid Retard''.

Let me know.

Better turn it off...

On your knees, dearest.

My heartiest congratulations.

Dear friend,

it's always a pleasure to see you.

Raniero and Fosca, are you ready for your newlywed life?

To love and honor each other for as long as you may live?

lndubitably, yes !

Yes.

Are you ready to love and be responsible for

the children God will bless you with?

Most surely, yes.

He asked you a question, good manners dictate an answer. Do you want them?

Yes.

May God bless the wedding rings,

and may the newledswhowearthem

keep intact their faithfulness,

stay in Your grace and peace

and live eternal in reciprocal love.

For Christ our Lord.

I, Jessica take you, Ivano, as my...

-You're reading mine. - It's the tension.

sorry, I lost the plot for a sec.

Our son...

I, Ivano, take you, Jessica, as my wife

and promise to be faithful to you in joy and in pain,

in sickness and in health, and to love you and honor you all my life.

I, Jessica take you, Ivano, as my husband

and promise to be fatal always...

Faithful !

-Giving it a go already ! I made a mistake.

-What a knucklehead ! -She knew ityesterday.

...in joy and in pain, in sickness and in health,

and to love you and respect you all the days of my life.

Jessica, take this ring, symptom...

...symbol of my love and my faithfulness,

I in the name of the Father the Son and the...

-Did your finger swell up? -Could be.

Now it fits.

Ivano, take this ring, symbol of my love and my faithfulness.

Push!

ln the name of the Father the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Go for it, Ivano !

Now that the sacred ties through the Sainted Sacrament,

have united you in Christ's name,

allow your priest,

and, I can say, your friend,

and I'll also say, as far as dear Giovannino here, your loving uncle,

to say a few words

which come from the knowledge

and love my poor heart has always felt for you.

I have known you since you were kids, when you used to play in the yard

your knees dim

and your hands covered in chocolate and jam.

I know your families very well

united by honest affection and human solidarity.

And you, Giovannino, I know your dear mother,

a woman of high spiritual values,

and, among other things, my dear cousin.

I know your father,

a tireless worker, incorruptible...

Stop that. The medication...

-Grandpa, stop, you're making noise. -Alessio, hush.

It is obvious that based on this premise

it is easy for me to foresee for you

a serene future

positive,

a marvelous future following Christ's teachings.

Now let's all pray together saying ''hear us, oh Lord''.

So that these unions remain solid in reciprocal respect.

Hear us, oh Lord.

For Giovannino and Valeriana, so that they will be a Christian example

to their future children.

- It's eleven-menty. - Let's tell him !

How?

For those who should have been here today,

butare not here, because they have been called by our Lord...

What do the dead have to do with it?

...Aldo and Gastone Schiavina, Tiziano and Palmina Ceresio.

For the families of all the relatives of the newlywed,

starting with Domenico and Loredana,

little Severiano and Giada, in intensive care.

For Valeriana's family, starting with her father, Clelio,

her sister Gloria, and brother_in_law, Stefano...

_ He's saying them all. -And I've got a big family !

...the De Masi family, Sessa and Saporito.

YOU SET ME BACK A PACKET! DAD

-This was on the floor, whose is it? _ Mine !

You callin' a cat or what?

No, a piece of lamb got stuck in my teeth.

How can you eat cake with gum?

I can tell them apart. I even took Communion with it !

A minute of silence.

The important thing is that my son has married this good girl

and that he is happy,

and that when his poor father is no longer here,

let me touch my lucky charms...

...that he'll take over this enterprise

and steer it, keeping high the quality,

the name...

_...and the earnings ! _ No shit !

Long live the newlywed!

Speech !

-What can I say? _ Go on, just some words !

_ I don't know what to say. _ Make them happy.

What can I say...

Finding yourself married

is a new feeling that makes you feel like...

How can I put it? It makes you feel like... weird, man.

It makes you feel... yeah, weird.

He's said it all what else can I sa!y?

I mean, it's like a feeling...

...a new feeling, that makes you...

...like weird, you know, you feel, like, weird.

Thank you everybody, especially for the presents.

Ivano, the good 'ole days are over !

_ What orators ! - First rate.

Who writes your lines, Ivano?

Ladies and gentlemen, silence.

Ivano, I want to dedicate this song to you

and to this hell of a girl who has taken you away from us.

Hit it, maestro!

Let's split... Now he's started singing!

Yeah, my head's killing me and my feet hurt!

_ Should we go change upstairs? _ Do our bags.

_ I don't like you drivin' at night. _ Right, let's go.

Don't get undressed.

Why? What you got in mind?

Let's do it in your wedding dress.

When will this happen again? Think about it.

- Let's do it kinky. _ Like how?

Get in the doorway.

What's your sister's name?

Elsa !

_Are you crazy? Shut up ! _ Come on, it'll be better like this.

Hurry, Elsa !

Here we are, Scilla, here we are !

Are you coming, Fosca?

Here we are, Scilla, we're coming.

I've brought you Fosca, the only one worthy enough to take your place.

I feel I've acted correctly, waiting 5 years since your demise.

Look what lovely flowers Fosca brought you; her wedding bouquet.

It was her idea.

_ That's not true, I... _ Hush.

All her idea.

Go get some water in these vases

fill them but not to the brim, if you can manage.

Leave your purse. The faucet is over there.

I want to have a word with Scilla.

She's the only one I've found in the last five years.

Low_class, mind you, quite crude,

but I'll do my best to improve her

to raise her to your level; I'll do all I can,

even though it's an arduous task.

Give her eternal repose, Lord, allow her to bask in your eternal light...

No bother at all, I assure you.

Back is it?

Did you take the ''Semacort 300''?

Can't stomach it, can you? Ty''Socortene'' in vials,

one in the morning for five days.

We'll add ''Clarizid Forte'' a multi_vitamin.

Let me know.

...to bask in Your eternal light, amen.

I know how you feel. Every time I come it feels like a tragedy.

I understand.

No, you can't understand.

He calls me Scilla?

Fosca, dearest...

Pardon the slip.

Did you fill the vases? Could you hurry things up?

Forgive me.

I suppose polishing her portrait,

something stuck in my mind.

The water level is excellent.

The flowers are in place.

Henceforth you should consider this your home, as it were,

so when our moment comes

I'd like to rearrange the tombs in here.

Scilla Cotti Borroni we'll leave her where she is.

When we are gone,

we can go in the place of Zelia Cofti Borroni

whose bones I could move over to where Luca Dario Cotti Borroni is,

or you could be alone underneath Galeazzo Cofti Borroni

instead of Ugolino Cofti Borroni.

Decide, either we go where Zelia is, or you go alone under Galeazzo.

_ There's a variety of options. _ Underneath Galeazzo?

Alone? Perfect, excellent choice. Let's go. In...

...thirtyseven minutes we're off.

Say good-bye to Scilla.

Forgive me but it was only right I introduce you to her.

Of course.

For the families of the second cousins,

Settimio and Rossana, with little Andrea and Chantal.

For aunt Elvia and uncle Renato, for Manolo and Filomena Palomba

Alberico and Angelica Cariati, with nieces and nephews Deborah and Warren

and for the cousins, Romina, Clelia and Piersergio,

you remember he was your godfather...confirmation or baptism?

Baptism.

For the Cocciolati family, Umberto, Maria Sole,

mother Elena, children Riccardo, Leonardo, Edoardo...

-Take him outside. -Sir, let's go out.

The ship leaves in two hours !

What can I do? What can I say?

He's lost it !

- Either you saysomething or I will! _Wait.

For the departed grandparents of the Castorino family,

that they rest in peace forever,

forever in peace, in the infinite mercy and embrace

of Christ our Lord.

Uncle, sorry, but our ship leaves in two hours.

We don't want to miss it.

Thank you for everything, really,

you said some lovely things and we thank you.

I had another couple of concepts but it's all right,

I think you got them.

I wish you peace and happiness, lots of tranquility,

lots of optimism, for you, for your relatives...

- ... for your... _ Children !

For your children ! Congratulations, may you have boys.

It's over!

Congratulations, Valeriana.

Bon Voyage.

What happened to the mike?

Bye, we're terribly late.

Bye, Dad. Don't exert yourself, take the medicine Ylenia gives you

and don't take your catheter out by yourself.

Here are all the phone numbers, on board, in Cairo, in Tunisi,

but you won't need them.

_ It was a lovely ceremony. - Beautiful, a little long.

Why, you little...! That's rocks, not rice!

Congratulations!

At last!

_ Mr. and Mrs. De Berardi? _Yes.

Hello.

_What happened to you? _You wouldn't believe it.

Take them to room 122. Have a good day!

Can you believe it, he preached so long we almost...

He's your uncle, you wanted him.

Your papers. Have a pleasant trip.

_ Do you like it? _ I love it.

_ What was that? _ Did they stick us under the horn?

They usually honk at departure and on arrival.

And they're not dumb, they know how much we paid.

_ The captain sends his compliments. _ For what?

We're invited to dinner tonight.

''Grand Departure Gala'' and a show by Sandor the magician.

Dark suits welcome.

- I've got one! _ I don't.

I do !

I don't have anything dark! They really are jerks!

ltjust means to dress elegant.

You'll see, they'll let you in.

_What do you want me to wear? -Anything, you always look good.

So, dinner

dancing,

magician

and then...

Then? Why then and not now?

Why not now and then?

_ Twice? _ Come on !

Must be a trial run.

Attention please, Mr. De Berardi

is requested on the forebridge.

Did she say De Bernardi or De Berardi?

She said De Berardi.

That's me?

Will you come with me, please? I wonder what's happened.

Couldn't she have said so before? Leaving him like this...!

I'm on my honeymoon!

She just had to say''I can't stand this old man''; I'd have handled it.

She gave the key back?

Caterina, stay with him,

I have to drop everything and drive back to Rome.

Thanks very much.

Drop eveything? Drop me, you mean!

Valeriana, it's a disaster. Dad's all alone.

That Albanian nurse quit.

The concierge, Caterina, doesn't know how to work the oxygen,

the catheters, the bed pans. It's a disaster, a tragedy!

Where are your brothers, your sister?! He's their father, too!

_ I know, but... _ But we're on our honeymoon!

It only happens once in a lifetime!

I know. But what do we miss?

A dance, Sandor the magician...

The ship travels at night, right? I'll go back to Rome, handle Dad,

and tomorrow morning take a flight and meet you in Palermo.

Come on, it'll be all right.

Let's not make a big deal out of it because it isn't.

Your family is a bunch of egotistical maniacs !

_And I always get the short end ! _ Don't say that...

What am I gonna do here by myself?

Who is this, ''Morphine''?

Yeah, but from last year. It's not their latest.

Remember? We we've done it like jackrabbits to them.

Where were we at?

At Fausto's and Maura's,

outside the ''Gigolo'',

and in the gym, after you trashed your abs.

Didn't we do it at your aunt's house, too, ridin' the washing machine?

That wasn't to ''Morphine'', that was ''Nirvana''.

Where's your head at when we do it?

Look, I'm totally with it.

So where were we when we did it to ''Megadeath''?

_ On the ferry to Ponza. _And to ''Santana''?

_ In Roncobilaccio, in the fog. _ Right. With ''Pearl Jam''?

We have never done it to ''Pearl Jam''.

You did it with some other slut.

You're such an asshole.

I was kiddin', just puttin' you to the test.

Why don't you put ''Pearl Jam'' on?

How can I find in here?

Take whatever.

Is ''Black Sabbath'' okay?

How're we gonna do it?

We're gonna do it kinky.

At a hundred and eighty?

Two hundred twenty !

_ Up for it? _yeah.

- Ready? _ Go for it.

I'm not even gonna watch the road.

I wanna do it blind.

-What were they doing? -At 220 an hour !

I don't believe it !

- Does it bother you if I smoke? _ No, go ahead.

It can't bother her this is the smoking section.

It's her choice. But I'm worried about you.

Let's make a few holes it's less concentrated that way.

Pardon me, Raniero, I'd like to ask you a question.

Why didn't your children come to our wedding?

You touched a sore point.

It can be synthesized in two words:

solidarity with their deceased mother, whom they truly venerated

to the point of mania.

Just think, when I informed them of our relationship

they sprayed slogans all over the walls:

''Mother cannot be replaced'', with infantile exclamation marks.

On the walls?

We had to repaint the house floor to ceiling.

I'm telling you.

Give me that.

No, Raniero, come on, just two real pulls.

Only you women smoke now.

We men have got the message. You understand me.

With regards to our children,

you will have to win them over.

I entrust this task to your intelligence and equilibrium.

Did I show you the recent pictures I took oft hem?

-Would you like to see them? _Yes.

These date two months back, I want to show you.

This is Leonardo,

doing superbly in school.

This is Cosima, resembles her mother.

And this is Mother, I'm sorry you only get to see her after the attack.

But she's fine now,

responded well to all my prescriptions.

_ Is she still paralyzed? _ Of course !

But she can chew, talk, order us around, get pissed.

Fosca, please, stay just like that.

There's a ray of sun on your right cheek, and a marvelous smile.

Keep that smile, I beg you. Look at me.

Keep it. Why didn't you keep it?

Could you take our picture? It's all automatic.

Snap it on the third stomp.

Smile that smile again. Remember it? It was marvelous.

sorry for bothering you.

And just think of what awaits us.

What we await with anxiety.

Thank you, vey kind.

I don't want you to misunderstand,

you know how willingly I said yes.

I don't mean to say I made a mistake but maybe it's normal to have doubts,

fears.

I hope we haven't been too rash.

Perhaps I felt indebted to you

for everything you did for Mother,

but now I have doubts.

Also because of the comparison with your first wife...

I don't know if I'm up to it.

I make you laugh?

Yes, terribly.

Do you know why?

It seems like the exact same thing Scilla said

in the dining car during our honeymoon, if I'm not mistaken,

but instead of sole we were eating chicken.

It's the classic crisis the British would call the ''AfterYes''.

Just wait until that moment comes, tonight,

and I assure you that I'll transport you to the stars.

Excuse me.

It's no bother, I assure you.

This mucus, before or after the movement?

It can't be your liver or your feces would be white.

The blood doesn't worry me,

you were already suffering from hemorrhoids, were you not?

What are hemorrhoids?

Please, we're eating !

I'm going to the bathroom.

Be quick.

All right, take

''Crematon 300''

one in the morning, one at lunch and two in the evenings.

_ What's our next stop? -Venice, it's our only stop.

So I can't get off, there's no way out !

In what way?

Madam !

Excuse me, is there a doctor on board?

There's a woman who is sick.

Thank you colleagues, I think this is my wife.

-Where is she? - In the next car.

Thank you for your solidarity. We met in Ancona, at the congress !

Thank you !

Make way !

I'm her husband, and a physician. Thank you.

Fosca, what are you doing?

Oh God, my mobile phone !

It's broken. No, no, it works.

Well?

Dearest !

A classic orthostatic hypotension crisis.

_Where are we? _ Near Ferrara.

No, Ferrara isn't well staffed in this field.

Where could we go? Bologna, the great De Vitis practices there !

_We just passed it. _ Doesn't matter.

I'll pull the brake and call an ambulance.

What are you doing?

I'm warning you, don't touch anything, don't move anything,

don't get out or I'll lock you in.

Ugo!

I'm his brother. It's an important family matter.

Excuse me, just for a minute.

_ It's about Dad. _ Wait your turn !

I'm not jumping my turn !

I need to talk a second about Dad.

_ Get in line. - But this is urgent.

I told you to get in line.

I'll get in line.

_ He doesn't seem like your brother! - But he is!

Who gives a damn!

Yes?

Ugo, Dad's alone, the Albanian nurse quit.

- Find somebody else. _ But I'm on my honeymoon !

- I left Valeriana all alone! -And you dump him on me?

Forteen days ! Come on, I'm the one who always takes care of him.

No, you don't take care of him.

You just butter him up.

_What do you mean? -Why else did he pay for the house...

...your honeymoon?

_ By the way, where're you going? _The same trip eveybody takes.

Tunisi, Cairo, Luxor...

Me? The crappiest beach in Italy,

me, I had my honeymoon at my mother-in-law's!

Why do you keep bringing that up?

Then I should remember that time I went out,

and you came to my house,

and took two paintings

and six chairs out of the eight!

Six out of eight! We had to eat in multiple sittings for a week !

_ I'm not finished. -Yes you are. May I help you?

Scram.

Thank you, Ugo.

What are you up to?

_What the fuck are you doing? - I wanted to get an ice cream.

What ice cream?

- Chocolate. _ We'll get one later.

Chocolate...

Oh my God !

Marcella !

Here comes trouble.

I just saw my brother with my Dad. Tell them I'm not here,

that I left.

Don't worry.

Here, sit here.

Can I help you?

I'd like to talk to Mrs. De Berardi I'm her brother.

I'm sorry, she left.

When?

Yesterday.

She was at my wedding this morning !

- Bullshit ! _ Shut up, Dad.

No, maybe I got mixed up,

yesterday was my day off.

Yes, I got confused, I think.

You're not confused, you're just a liar

covering up for an egotistical, lying bitch!

You hear me, Loredana?

Thanks for everything, and be sure to tell her if she hasn't heard.

Let's go, Dad.

My ice cream.

_ Don't worry. - What did you do? They'll handle it.

_ My ice cream. _We eat in two hours.

No more ice cream. Thank you !

What're you lookin' at, Ivano?

Can't find the stadium.

Must be on the other side.

Think so?

Absolutely.

_ What're you thinkin'? - This city is so, like... old !

You know, really old.

Absolutely.

It's late, go change. I want you lookin' sharp tonight.

Kinky?

Kinky.

If someone comes?

better... Even better.

Let's do it kinky.

Imagine we're in the lobby, people everywhere.

A ton of people.

It's crammed with people.

I like this.

_ What're they doin', watchin' us? - Obviously!

_ Eat something. _ I don't like chicken breasts.

Don't bust my balls, it's not chicken, it's turkey !

What do I do with you?

_ Let me stay with you. _ That's easy for you to say.

You don't want to go to a rest home.

I was on my honeymoon, with my wife

and here I am on a honeymoon with you. This is unbelievable !

I don't know whose fault this is,

but you really raised a family of assholes !

Real ass...

Just a bit of wine.

-You poured it? - I did.

Mosquito.

Hurry up.

Alceo, don't keep me waiting, tell me.

The only significant result

is that your wife

suffers a 250/o hearing loss in her left ear.

_ Perhaps an ear infection untreated. _ Or a slight Meniere syndrome.

Could be...

The interesting thing is that the EKG tracks

indicate your wife suffers damage to the left parietal hemisphere.

Could have been a childhood accident,

fell off her high-chair or her tricycle.

Dearest, you've ever had a tricycle?

As far as I'm concerned, the test is negative.

Alceo, just one moment. I'd like to talk to you a minute.

Of course.

Nothing serious, just a consultation between colleagues.

Can you exclude an orthostatic hypotension attack?

Now that you mention it...

Let's grab the bull by the horns.

We'll do a nice CAT scan, to sleep good tonight.

_Who can do it for me? -Cassian !

Of course.

He also runs the militay hospital in Padova.

_Why a militay hospital? _ Don't be alarmed, mere scruple.

I'm not alarmed, it's just that I feel shocks on my head !

_ Forgive me ! -You left the ampere on !

You silly fool! Get up, Fosca.

See how she starts to lose it? It's incredible !

- Have her do a GTT. _With Cassian, right?

Let's go Fosca.

Hold on to me.

Listen Raniero, I don't know anything about medicine,

but I think it's just my nerves.

I fear I'm having a nervous breakdown.

You have no reason, nay a one.

But tonight is our first night and... I'm not...

Look, what you're afraid of

is something too wonderful, too precious

to waste in a lousy hotel in Bologna.

The plan is this: Venice, the Hotel Danieli

room 276, overlooking the lagoon.

What an ambience, what atmosphere, what an unrepeatable feeling!

_Were you there with Scilla? _ Naturally !

It was fantastic, it will be grand.

Come. This is our hotel, the Hotel Maggiore.

I want to tell you a joke. Don't do that !

It's really funny, a colleague of mine told me.

A chicken meets a rabbit and says:

''What is that pecker doing on your face?''

No, I mean, a rabbit meets a chicken !

I've never mistaken the beginning before !

Oh God !

I feel sick, I feel totally weird.

I think I'm gonna blow a gasket !

Stay with me, Jessica.

This is our last chance. It's this or the old folks home.

- Didn't you leave? _ I left and I came back.

Did you and Valeriana fight?

No, but like this, I'll divorce on my honeymoon. Can we talk?

Mother, I've got an emergency.

I've got Dad outside,

nobody wants him, the nurse abandoned him,

I've been to Ugo, Loredana and aunt Clelia,

your tight_assed cousins, the Cocciolati,

seen Sessa, Saporito. Mom, you're the only one left.

Be a mother. Save my marriage.

What are you saying?

We've been separated for 25 years, after 20 years of non_stop fighting !

Your father hates me, nothing more.

Mother, make a miracle happen, all I've got left are ten...

No, make that nine days. I lost one. You take him. Help me !

Even if I wanted to I can't,

I don't live alone here, I live with the lavyer.

_With who? _ Piera, who is it?

Nobody, my son.

_With the lawyer. _You're together?

What do you mean, he's been here for 12 years.

How do I know, he's had 35 families !

Now you exaggerate, there have been three at most.

Anyhow, I heard everything, don't worry.

Piera, if this boy's in such serious trouble,

we have to help him.

Right.

If you want I can go to a hotel for a few days.

You can't be serious!

I'm not staying alone in this house with that individual.

Okay, I'll stay here with you and help you out.

No, we can't consider it because there's no room.

-Where would we put him? - In what used to be my room.

Your room is now Luciano's office.

Then Loredana's old room, it's even got a bathroom next door.

Loredana's room

is now the waiting room for Luciano's office !

So what do I do, take him to a hospice, a rest home?

I've got to do something, Mother !

That's him. What do I do?

I'll let him in.

_You're letting him in? _Yes, Mother.

Come on, we'll put a folding bed in the living room.

But you don't know him.

Mother is vey happy, the lawyer is, too.

Here we are.

Here's Dad.

You can stay here for nine days, they'll keep you,

that way I'll be able to join my wife.

In fact I'm ok, the plane leaves at seven.

Be good, stay calm and don't worry. Thank you.

Where's the rubber plant?

My rubber plant was here. Where is it?

_Where is it? Who took it? _What's this about the plant?

What's the plant got to do with it?

This story is 20 years old. You're not to cause trouble in this house!

Come on, Renato, I'll take you to bed.

Go on to bed, it's late.

ln the living room.

What do you want?

See that man?

He's your brother, Ugo's, father.

Really?

Look carefully, they look alike.

That's why Ugo won't get a penny. He's not my son !

_Why now? _What did you say?

Still harping on that?

I forbid you to spread that kind of rumors !

Say that again if you dare!

No, come on, it's nothing, just nonsense!

I'm off or I'll be late.

Shut up, you whore!

Don't get me mad,

or I swear I'll break that lamp over your head!

Dearest, have you brushed your teeth?

Yes, Raniero.

On the shelf, next to the non_alcohol deodorant,

you'll find a box of un_waxed dental floss

which is just the thing for getting rid of residue.

You had chicken salad, which is deleterious to dental plaque.

Did you find it?

-Yes, Raniero. _ Good girl.

Your floss got stuck

between the canine and first molar.

Here, let me see, open up.

Fosca, you didn't tell me you have a bridge !

It got caught on the neck of your tooth.

Later you're going to tell me who this dog of a dentist is.

-Yes, Raniero. - Don't move, don't talk.

Degenerate dog.

Dearest, I'd like to inform you about my sleeping habits.

Since I fall asleep rapidly, alas, I sleep vey lightly.

I ask you for maximum caution when moving your feet

or the sheets.

When the bell chimes, sleep flies.

Penguin, you have to do me a favor, do a test

while I put these earplugs in my ears to see if I hear anything.

Can you hear me?

Say anything you want, out loud.

Ugly bastard,

Go fuck yourself,

drop dead.

God help me.

Pefect, can't hear a thing.

You're not peeved if we haven't had intercourse, are you?

No.

I adore you.

- Shall we enter Morpheus' embrace? - Yes, Raniero.

Shall we?

Good night, dearest.

May God bless you.

No bother at all, I assure you.

What did you eat last night?

I told you not to eattomatoes.

The seeds get lodged in the diverticulum sacks

and cause fever and spasms.

Take two ''Macrosil 200'' in the morning

and two at night, let me know.

You're welcome, don't worry.

sorry Fosca, it's just...

Where are you?

I just went to the bathroom.

But you went 34 minutes ago.

We'll have to take a look at that bladder.

Sleep has fled. Take this.

I'm forced to read something.

Good night, penguin.

Oh my God, what have they done?

Marisa, hurry !

Room 369 has pulled the mirrors off!

Where are you going?

I feel awful.

Awful?

What?

My sister called last night, she wants to kill herself.

And it was my family that was causing all the trouble?!

Please, don'tyou start too!

This is serious!

It isn't serious, it's a tragedy!

Do you think it's disconnected or she's not answering?

No answer? Thank you, I'll call back.

_ She's not answering, Giovanni! _ Maybe she sleeps with ear plugs.

With two thousand relatives she had to call us, on our honeymoon?

You want Dad to have another heart attack? !

_ Do you have the car? _Yes, but it's parked 6 km away.

-Go get it. _ I need a shuttle.

So go get it!

Wait a minute...

Why does she want to kill herself?

What do you care?! Hurry !

Would Mr. De Berardi

please come to exit number 18.

What do I write to Mirko and Mara?

''Lots of kisses''.

Too corny !

''A big kiss...''

Big difference.

Something more basic.

''XXXX''. Period.

No, you gotta put some thought into this, give it some structure.

Like?

Yo, scumbags!

How do we get that across?

Big ''s'' and lots of''a'''s.

How? ''Yo, Scumbaaaags !''

No, that don't seem right.

Totally.

Assholes exclamation point!

That way it's like for real. No, it's not good.

Let's do it tomorrow, when I'm thinkin' better. It's too much.

I got a headache.

Wan ta new scene? This place is depressing.

Totally. This music isn't doin' it to me.

Me either, and when it don't do you the scene's not right.

Let's find a better one.

A funnier place.

This is the spot !

I told you it was the vibes of that place.

Just like a kid!

I'm cold, I'm gettin' out.

Get some sun, chlorine bleaches your skin.

No shit?

What were you sayin' before? Why you afraid of havin' a kid?

'Cause it changes your life, makes you feel old?

I'm scared of the pain

and havin' another person inside.

What about your mother, my mother, the world?

Yeah, totally.

If you had a boy I'd like to call him

Alan

or Kevin.

Kevin's better.

Because of Costner?

Not so much Costner

but 'cause it's a name that gives a sense of respect.

It's a powerful name,

it's got presence.

I like it.

_ You just want boys? _ You say a name.

Go on, you say one.

I like Maria.

That's a religious name! Who's called Maria nowadays?

I like it because it's simple and not vulgar.

What's on your mind?

Stock up on oxygen and jump in.

You want to do it underwater?

_ I want to make Maria underwater. - Really?

Go on.

lnside the pool.

I wanna make this kid weird, you know, really weird!

No, you wait. Prof. Cofti Borroni and wife.

Here we are. As you see, your husband is never kept waiting.

Good luck, boys, heartfelt.

_When is it our turn? - I don't know.

Adolfo, it's mere scruple, more to exclude than to ascertain.

De Vitis assured me but I have a suspicion.

What if it's canal stenosis that's giving her vertigo?

That's an excellent intuition.

If you do find that, or worse,

please, report in the negative.

Adolfo, I'm in your hands, tonight's the first honeymoon night

I don't want to blow it.

Don't worry, I understand, you sly old fox !

Let's go.

I have to immobilize your hands. If you get claustrophobic press this.

Dearest, listen to me.

That minor sense of claustrophobia

can be overcome with a flight of fancy.

Concentrate your fantasies on us,

on Venice, on me, on the wonderful things awaiting us.

You know what I mean, don't you? All right, darling?

Good God what a cranium!

She got hit here.

Knocked off her tricycle?

She used to have a tricycle.

What a cranium!

Don't overreact, we didn't even wait half an hour!

Don't cheat, it was an hour and a half.

Who do you think I am, Flash Gordon? I gotta charge my batteries !

I've always been the greatest, never missed a shot.

But it never happened before.

Yeah but we were in the deep end, artificial waves...

What am I, amphibious?

But you've done it before.

ln the wading pool at the hot baths, big deal!

Water up to here, even a cadaver could have got it up.

Me, I think it's somethin' else.

You think we're short on novelty?

Know what?

Maybe we know each other too well.

We've got no more secrets.

Like, we know all the entry codes by heart.

Like we cloned our minds.

Think so?

Picture this,

if you saw me on this pier,

dressed good, different, not with this T-shirt.

No gum.

Hair done right, like totally...

...like a lady, you know, high class.

How much you wanna bet you'd be firing on all pistons?

You talkin' a makeover?

Could be.

Gynecology department? Dr. Recchia, please.

I'm his cousin.

Come on, Matteo, don't you start on me!

You're right darling, but be good.

Here, Giovanni, hold her up.

Try to hold her up.

Massimo, we're desperate.

Gloria took a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

''Hypnotal O,50''. What do I do?

If we must we'll call the ambulance

but if we can avoid it getting out, for Dad...

Thank you. Yes, I'll try.

What are you doing, blessing her?

Will you be there?

Be good, darling.

Wait.

We have to make her throw up.

- Here? - In the bathroom !

Bend down.

- Put your finger down her throat. _ Me? What if she throws up?

She has to throw up!

-Can't she do this by herself? _ Giovanni! Please!

Cooperate, Gloria.

She bit me!

She's your sister, use your finger and I'll hold her head.

Your fingers are longer than mine.

If I think we were supposed to be in Tunisi, enjoying a Berber barbeque

and instead we're in the toilet tying to make your sister throw up,

this whole thing is so unfair...

Good girl, darling.

The bastard's killed me !

_ What bastard? - Her husband, he cheated on her.

_ Who, Stefano? _ He said she shouldn't sleep !

Help her up.

Dry your mouth.

Hold her.

Not both of us, you or me.

Hold on!

One, two, one, two...

No, come on!

_ How long does she have to walk? _ He said for a while.

_ Don't run ! -Why not?!

We can't stay here all...

Venice is Venice, see it a hundred times and fall in love each time.

What a poignant city.

What are you mumbling?

Nothing, I was saying I agree.

What a fantastic view !

But the light is always the same, of the Doges, the Admirals.

Look at that seagull on the dome.

Marvelous.

Imagine this city a hundred years ago!

My grandfather Oreste used to say that in certain parts of the lagoon

the water was so clear you could drink it,

with due caution, of course !

Today one dive and you'd succumb immediately to leptospirosis!

Marvelous !

Look at the view of the bell tower! What is it, Fosca?

I said I'd like you to take that picture...

_ ...of that bell tower. -You call it ''that bell tower''?

That's ''the'' bell tower par excellence.

It's a very banal view but I'll take it for my Penguin.

Many sense an air of death in this city,

but for me it's the epitome of silence and tranquility.

Look at that cat with a pigeon in his mouth!

How cute.

Here's our man.

Out you go, dearest.

Come, madam. Watch your step.

Thank you.

Here, you are very kind.

Here we are.

This is the Hotel Danieli.

Up there, third from the left, room 2_7-6, it'll be our love nest?

_ Do you like it? _ Charming.

Do you know who that woman eating alone is?

sorry, I've never seen her.

So you don't know if she's married.

Could you give me a pen, please?

Great.

Go for it !

From that gentleman there.

YOU ARE A NOKK_OUT. WILL YOU CUM TO MY TABLE?

Could you give me a pen?

THANKS, BUT YOU'RE TWO FAST FOR ME.

You can take it to him.

_ She doesn't have a wedding ring. -Good.

Two iced champagne glasses for that table.

Hurry.

Could I offer you an after dinner drink?

But I don't know you.

This could be a chance to get to know each other.

My name is Ivano.

Nice to meet you, Jessica.

Well, to this first meeting.

Even if it is a little...

A little?

- Weird? - Totally.

To your health.

I live here.

Do we have time for an ice cream at Marina di Massa?

What time is it?

_ Ten twenty. _ I have to be in by 10:30.

My father's a little bit old fashioned.

Just ten minutes to get acquainted.

That's a good idea. Why not tell me about yourself,

about your life, what you do.

My father is a university professor.

Fuck me !

So is my mother.

I'm studying at the Conservatory.

_ What? _ First I studied harp.

Then I switched to violin,

because I thought...

-Whatare you doing, you moron?! _What am I doing?

_You ruined everything ! _What did I ruin?

I liked this kind of courting, takin' it slow,

it was goin' good, it seemed real.

What's this with takin' it slow, we've been playin' 4 hours already !

That was the best part,

everything was game, I could've even left you cold.

That was the cool thing.

But you had to blow it, your hand, your tongue...

You're weird. Your Dad wants you home at 10:30?

We have 9 minutes, let me hit the gas.

_What am I doing? _ No. I-N_O. It's Not On.

_ Give me back my wedding ring. _ Here.

Yo, scumbags !

Where are you?

What're you doin'?

Where're you goin'?

Here she is. It's Mirko and Mara.

Yo, scumbags !

Where are you?

What're you doin'?

Where're you goin'?

What club?

''Critical Condition''?

Ivano, have we ever been at''Critical Condition''?

_ Negative, it's a can_do. _ He says it's a can-do.

Okay, bye.

You pissed?

_ I'll drive. _ Okay, but let's go change.

I wanna be seen lookin' sharp.

At this point a charter's fine.

Even at one in the morning, smoking, non_smoking,

just as long as you find something.

Help us out, we're desperate.

You know they might have something?

She has to be good.

Yes, she's calmed down, hasn't she?

It's all over.

Thank goodness ! You've been extremely exquisite!

You've been the greatest!

What's your name?

I'd like to get you a little present, you deserve it.

You've been so helpful.

Hold on.

Write this down: Sahid Al Bukra.

We'll be there 50 minutes early. Perfect.

Thank you, good_bye.

Thank you God.

Do things always have to go wrong?

We'll make it with time to spare.

Here, Gloria, and be good.

Let's go, darling.

You've been an angel. I'll never forget it.

I'm your husband, aren't I?

Ready? Keys, purse. Where are the tickets?

_ In my beauty case, in the car. _ Perfect. Let's go.

Equilibrium, got it?

_ Don't make us worry. - Promise?

Darling, your aunt gives you a kiss.

_ Give me the baby. _What do you want? Get out!

_Are you out of your mind? - Eveything was okay, Stefano!

Calm down, you'll take her home now and eveything's okay.

I want the baby, I'm not leaving my son with this slut !

What do you mean, slut? Calm down.

lf anybody's at fault here, it's you.

_ She tried to kill herself ! _You fell for the old mint trick?

Mints?

What is it?

Mints.

Mints!

Don't tell me you ruined my honeymoon...

...our honeymoon, by taking a couple of mints?!

She tried that last year, what an actress!

Only you two could fall for it.

If I think I kept my finger in her throat for twenty minutes

tying to get her to throw up I can still smell the stink !

This is so unfair it's downright mean !

I admit it, I betrayed her a few times.

But she didn't tell you that for four months now

she hasn't let me touch her out of depression, frustration,

existential crisis and dumb ambition.

And now, here.

Next time you either hide them better or your burn them. Read this.

You're family, you ought to know how things are.

This ''Guido my darling''

is a guy who worked in television until they kicked him out,

he promised he'd make her a showgirl,

gave her advice, told her what to read,

what movies she should see!

Is this true, Gloria?

Answer me, say something!

This is old news!

I know why you wanted to have a baby. Because you're jealous,

because you wanted to stop me,

because you knew I could have made it and you couldn't stand that!

Let's talk about this letter.

I won't allow it !

_ I hate you ! -Ashamed, are you?

You wrote it! First you write it and then you regret it?

_ Give it back! _You mailed it to me !

What a whore!

Allow me.

''Stefano,

I need new emotions,

strong feelings, gratifying dimensions.

We seem like two old people,

I don't want to end up with the kind of squalid and insipid life

my sister and brother-in_law have.

When I see them I feel desperate and depressed.''

She means you two.

You bastard! You'll pay for this!

What a worm !

You'll all pay!

I'll show you some mints!

Get out of here, hang yourself, shoot yourself!

Just so she gets out, disappears.

I can't live like this.

Unfortunately he's right.

Come on, let's go to the airport.

If this is the alternative we are proud of our squalid...

...and insipid life.

Well said. I'm proud of you for everything you said.

I really liked that. Let's go.

_ The keys ! _You've got them.

_ The keyswere here. _What the fuck do I know?

Where did I put them?

She's taken our car !

My jewelry's in there, my passport and the tickets !

You left them in the car?

My flippers!

Here, I consider this a precious object. Wear it like a relic.

Was it Scilla's?

It was Scilla's.

I'm going to the bathroom a sec.

Before going, would you use this?

It's an antiseptic douche,

dissolve it in the bidet, warm water.

I anxiously await your return, sweetheart.

Don't move.

I have to admit it, this evening you are overshadowing Scilla.

You're magnificent, you're fantastic!

Forgive me, but there's a small matter I think we ought to discuss.

_ What? _ Are you clitoral or vaginal?

What kind of question is that? I don't know!

It's like asking me if I'm for the Right or Left.

_ I don't know and I don't care ! -All right, dearest.

It's something we'll have to ascertain.

_ Do you like preliminaries? _ For heaven's sake. Let's hurry.

Allow me to concentrate a moment in order to achieve a superb erection?

Done.

Allow me one question.

Do you like ''love talking''?

What does that mean?

Do you like to hear dirty talking during the act?

Absolutely not!

As you wish. Let's get on with our performance.

Easy does it.

A deep breath, don't be tense,

you won't feel a thing, I won't let you feel a thing.

Ready... Go !

Don't lose the rhythm.

Hello? No, no bother at all.

Again, huh?

Ty taking ''Clabozil 200'',

one in the morning, half in the afternoon and one at night.

Let me know.

Pardon me, I'm walking up stairs.

Thank you.

Don't mention it. Call when you like.

Let's not lose our rhythm, Fosca.

This is where we should be, imagine.

Aren't you worried? It's almost midnight.

I'm furious, I have to be at the airport at one-thirty,

fifty minutes before that, actually.

I ask you, what did we do to deserve this?

I don't know.

I'll go ask.

Four units are looking for them, don't bug them.

Pussycat!

I can't live without you.

Neither can I, Pussycat.

Pussycat? They've blasted our marriage and she calls him Pussycat?

What a couple of assholes!

Ma'am, does the baby need changing?

_ Yes. _ Don't do this again, Kitten.

You'd think they could have said hello, smiled our way.

What assholes!

_ Luckily, you and I are different. _ It sure is hard being different.

_ My flippers ! _ Come on into my office.

Maybe we'll make it!

Chief, we found them in the Torvaianica woods.

What were you doing there?

Not us ! Her sister and the baby.

Oh, I understand.

All's well that ends well.

_ Is this your luggage? _Yes, all there.

Savino, write a report.

ls my car outside?

No, it's still in the woods.

What are you, nuts? We have to leave !

Watch your language. It crashed into a pine tree.

_ I took some snapshots. _ This is my car?

I don't believe it!

_ This is my car? _ don't worry.

Your sister_in-law is unhurt.

The baby was in the back and she had her seatbelt on.

Of course she did, she was trying to kill herself!

Could I ask you for a huge favor?

Could you ask someone to drive us to the airport, sirens on?

No, that's not possible.

-We're missing our flight. - I know, but it can't be done.

_ Could you get us a taxi? _ Sure.

First and last name ascertaining receipt of personal belongings.

Valeriana De Berardi, ne' Picconi.

I'm Di Cicco, could you call a cab?

De Berardi Giovanni.

- De Bernardi? - De Berardi, without the ''n''.

Excuse me, could you repeat your name?

De Berardi Giovanni.

_ Son of Adelmo? _Yes, why?

_ Could you come in for a minute? -What happened?

Nothing.

My wife, too?

Do you know this man?

We found him wandering around the Piazza Tuscolo.

Did Mother kick you out? What did you do?

No, I left.

Your mother is always the same,

she hasn't changed.

All day long she criticizes, always nagging !

The lawyer can hang around getting criticized!

_Your taxi is ''Cairo 21''. _ The closest we'll get to Cairo.

I want you to go on this trip, at least the last two days.

I want you to get on that ship, this just isn't fair.

Eveything's gone against us, but you go, perhaps I'll join you later.

_ Giovanni, I'm staying with you. _You go.

I want to stay with you!

Why?

Why did things have to go like this?

Mirko, hit me with the ciggie.

What the fuck do you want?

That's enough.

You know you're bein' a total asshole?

Ain't nothin' else to look at, what doyou want me to do?

He's right, either he watches her or what?

Hell, Mirko's lookin' at her but I'm not pissed.

'Sides, you're 'sposed to. It's part of the show.

You _now, like peformance art.

You see, she's checking me out now.

You see, she checks everybody out.

Yeah, but he's not droolin' like you!

- What're you sayin'? - I'm sayin' what I'm sayin'.

I gotta have a wife like this?

_ Let's split. _ No, why?

'Cause she's pissed, thinks I'm into her !

Where are you, Jessica?

If they gotta stoop to this, settin' up

a fake accident,

with ketchup blood

and that bimbo who didn't even take her panties off...

ln fact, place like that will never fly.

Anyhow, she takes the panties off later.

_The bouncer told me. _ Still on it?!

I can't hack the 80,000 lire for a beer !

Just 'cause they slide it down the counter!

Wanna know what's really wrong here?

Nobody's got nothin' new to say; it's all been done.

Look at fashion.

We used to copy eveything designer's did,

now designers copy us.

_And we got jackshit to copy! -Totally.

What do you gotta do to be seen?

Nothin's left for hair.

We shaved it, cut it,

grew it out, dyed it, burned it, washed it.

Same for earrings.

Neck's the only place we haven't pierced !

Ditto for tattoos. Eveybody's doin' it !

Totally. Music, same thing.

I'm goin'for the medieval! That says it all.

The truth is we've been cloned.

Like mobile phones.

Look, I'm talkin' serious. Concentrate guys.

What do you think we gotta do to look hip,

I mean to look really wicked?

I busted my brains comin' up with this one!

What?

One armpit done, the other not.

Big deal ! Courtney Love did that two years ago!

- Really? - You're two years late!

No, of all the shitty luck!

She was on the cover of the CD !

_ That's right. _ What a bummer!

Tough shit!

A falling star!

Make a wish, awish!

- Did you do it? - I couldn't think of one.

I didn't see it.

What's to wish for?

What a drag!

Sweetheart, a sip of coffee, a piece of buttered toast, have some!

Eat something, if you've got a headache.

Here.

I realize that it is infantile,

but I'd like to know the grade you'd give my performance.

Would you give it a C minus,

a C, a B plus,

or an A?

I guess... an A.

That makes me feel vey flattered,

I was expecting a B because you didn't allow me preliminaries

which have always been the strong suit of my repertory.

Remember,

the day you accept them you'll never want to live without them,

you've got Raniero's word.

Know what grade I'd give you?

D?

Way off!

_An F. -Way, way off!

Fosca, know what I'd give you?

C!

Scilla got a C minus.

Do you know what the determining factor was?

The smell of your hair.

It's inebriating, so stimulating.

God bless you, really,

your whole life!

If I think that we've got our whole life

to do what we did last night,

I swear, I feel...

...like I'm in seventh heaven !

Dearest,

let me brief you about our life with Mother.

First: don't make her feel guilty you have to push her wheelchair.

Second: don't make her feel guilty you have to feed her

breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Third: there's another big problem with my children.

Since they are rather touchy you'll have to win them over.

It will be a hard psychological battle between you and them,

but you will win because you are stronger.

Let me suggest an astute move: wear something of Scilla's.

They are two smart cookies, especially the girl,

but I'm sure that any comparison will be to your advantage.

Know why I say this? To spare you the kind of psychological collapse

that was fatal to Scilla.

A collapse I am still unable to comprehend.

Scilla took her life you ought to know.

We had decided to conceive a child.

I thought a baby could take the place of the anti_depressants she lived on.

Like ''Trimagord 200''.

The opposite happened.

I watched her fade from day to day, hour after hour.

Even today her gesture is fraught with mystery for me.

It was a stupid gesture

and infantile.

Fosca, could you close the window? Hear them yelling out there?!

This used to be the city of silence,

but it's becoming the city of chaos.

Did you hear me? Fosca? Where did you go?

Where are you? Where did you go?

Dearest?

We can go now.

Pardon, I've got a terrible feeling.

It's the medium ring. Would you mind going back?

There has been a terrible mistake. Please bear with me.

Could we pick up the pace?

I'm afraid my cadmium battery will go dead.

Hurry!

I must have dropped it when I gave her my last kiss.

What have you done, Fosca!

Here it is. You can close her up.

1 No bother at all, Miss especially for you.

How is your father?

I was expecting this. I must see him.

Right now I've got a small complication,

but the day after tomorrow you could come to my office or I to your home.

Or we could have dinner together.

You have an ample variety of choices, I leave the final decision to you.

Fucking hell!

_ Forget it, Giovanni. _ He keeps scaring me!

Let's just forget it.

Let's not waste something so special!

You're right, but apart from the noise...

We could spend the last days here, this place isn't so bad.

With your father?

What can I do with him?

I don't even notice him any more, don't even hear him...

Let's go home.

We'll find somebody to care for him. We will, won't we?

I hope so.

- Know what we can do for Christmas? _What?

We'll spend our bonus to go, you know where?

The Caribbean!

_And to hell with everybody! _Yes!

Wicked reception here!

Who gave it to us?

- What's wrong? _ D_F-I-I.

-Meaning? - Don't Feel Like It.

Why not?

Don't know,

I feel...

Weird?

Not weird.

Apathetic,

really apathetic.

Know what?

I'm goin' to bed.

I'm on your heels.

- What's wrong? - What's wrong?

I'm tired!