Original subtitles

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents,

but you two are different somehow.

I know we can be good parents.

It is my job to be a hundred percent sure

before I place a child.

We are not believable as a loving couple,

and I think that'’s why Ms. McMartin wasn'’t sure about us.

All right, yeah.

We do that in front of Ms. McMartin, we'’ll get ten babies.

♪ Men.♪

Whew, that was fun. Whew.

That was like a roller coaster.

Yeah, we went up, we went down.

There was the loop-de-loop.

Yeah, they-they say you want to sit in the front,

but I had a great time in the back.

Yeah, you know, I'’m not sure about that picture

we took at the end.

I think I was making a funny face.

Yeah.

Hey, have you ever gotten busy in a public place,

like a theme park, before?

I mean, uh, there was one time in the Chicago airport.

I met this girl on a long layover.

Let'’s just say my bag was never left unattended.

What about you?

Well, if you get me a hot cup of coffee,

I'’ll, uh, tell you about my high school trip to Mount Rushmore.

Okay, please tell me it doesn'’t involve four old guys

on top of a mountain.

I went to an all-girls school.

Coffee, coming up!

Oh, hey. Hey.

Okay, I don'’t know what was going on

up there with Laurel, but...

Rich, handsome and a master of the boudoir.

You'’re everything I think I am when I'’m drunk.

What can I say?

I got a magical tongue, and I can breathe through my ears.

Were you just sitting down here, listening to Laurel and me?

[doorbell rings]No, that would be sad.

I was also couponing.

Hey.

How'’s my favorite couple?

My bros without hos.

Ms. McMartin, uh...

What are you doing here?

Well, I told you guys the state requires

a couple surprise inspections to check in on Louis'’s home life.

Surprise!

I am definitely surprised.

Clearly... Captain Underpants.

Oh.

Right, yeah, well, I wasn'’t expect...

You know, Louis isn'’t here; he'’s actually, he'’s at a sleepover.

So, I guess you came all this way to see me in my Skivvies.

[chuckles]

Worth the trip in my book.

Instagram.

Hashtag: he'’s bringing booty back.

Thanks, honey.

Uh, well, it was, uh, it was good to see you.

Oh, actually, I can just talk to you guys.

Great, even better.

[stammers] Come on in.

Uh, you know, I'’m gonna run upstairs

and put on some pants.

LAUREL: Walden?

Who was that?

Oh, that was my pants.

Here I come, pants!

[chuckles] Stay there!

What are you talking about?

Oh, hi. Sorry.

What'’s going on?

Uh...

You'’re cheating on me?!

I want half!

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

You lied to me.

I never would have placed Louis here had I known

you guys weren'’t actually a couple.

I can explain.Oh, go ahead, I'’d love to hear it.

She'’s my sister.

Where was that five minutes ago?

There'’s no explanation for what you did.

I may have to remove Louis.

Okay, I-I know this looks bad,

but our hearts were in the right place.

Yeah, even if our penises weren'’t.

Th-The only thing that we'’re guilty of

is putting on a little show.

A littleshow?

Every time I see this one, he acts like

he'’s auditioning to host the Tonys.

N-No, that'’s just Alan.

Yeah, i-it'’s true.

Uh, name any musical, anybody.

Okay, uh, West Side Story.

♪ I like to be in America ♪

♪ Okay by me in America

♪ Everything free in America... ♪

Okay, stop.

Well, excuse me, Officer Krupke.

Listen, we may not be gay,

but we are definitely a stable couple.

Yeah, until the adoption is final,

and then you'’ll, what, get divorced?

Are you kidding me? If this one has his way,

he'’s gonna be with me for the rest of my life.

ALAN: Longer.

I bought us side-by-side cemetery plots.

No, he'’s not kidding.

And he gave it to me for my birthday,

and I pretended to like it,

because that'’s what loving couples do.

You pretended to like it?

See that? See, that'’s real.

And I'’m gonna hear about it for the rest of the night.

Y-You want to take Louis away from us

just because we don'’t have sex?

I mean, I can honestly tell you

that we have as much sex as I had

in either of my previous marriages.

None of that matters.

N-No, of course it matters.

Because we'’re not lying.

We are best friends, and we are married.

And we do love each other.

And I'’m sorry, but just, you know, how many people can say

that they are married to their best friend?

Alan Harper-Schmidt can.

My job is to do what'’s in the best interest of the child.

Now I have to reevaluate what that is.

But him living here...

No, I don'’t want to hear anything else from you guys.

I'’ll be in touch.

I can'’t lose this kid.

D-Don'’t go there. Nothing'’s been decided yet.

Well, other than the fact

that you don'’t want to be buried next to me.

This is a disaster.

We'’re gonna lose everything that we worked for

over one stupid mistake.

It'’s my chiropractic license all over again.

Your hand slips into one butt crack.

♪ Men.♪

What you drawing?

It'’s us. We'’re the Justice League.

You'’re Batman.

I'’m Batman?

I mean...

[deep, gravelly voice]: I'’m Batman.

Is that Superman?

That'’s me.

Oh, and, uh, there'’s Wonder Woman.

Is that Berta?

That'’s you.

Oh, well, that'’s, uh, a little inaccurate, don'’t you think?

I mean, uh, I wish I had those shoulders.

And, uh, and who'’s that?

That'’s Timothy; he'’s Aquaman.

Why can'’t I be Aquaman?

Because Aquaman can keep himself afloat.

I drew it '’cause we'’re a team now.

That'’s right.

[voice breaking]: We'’re a team that'’s never gonna break up.

Stay strong, Wonder Woman.

Can we go to the park?

I don'’t see why not.

Yes, we have to live in the moment.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."

And you ask why you'’re Wonder Woman.

Hey, why don'’t you go and get your shoes on,

and we'’ll get going, okay?

Cool!

You'’re the best dad ever.

Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?

He used the "D" word.

I more than heard it, I felt it.

But I am not gonna cry.

That'’s right.

We got to stay strong in front of the kid.

We can'’t let him know something'’s going on.

[voice breaking]: '’Cause that'’s what a... a good dad does.

I'’m gonna go get my jacket.

I feel so bad for him.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

There'’s nothing I can do.

Just gonna throw in the towel before the first round?

What?

Let me put it in terms you'’ll understand.

You'’re crapping your tutu before the ballet starts.

After all that Walden'’s done for you,

you have to help him keep ahold of Louis.

How?I don'’t know.

But if there is anybody in the world that can figure out

how to keep somebody in this house, it'’s you.

♪ Men.♪

Um, is this seat taken?

Uh, actually, no, it'’s...

What are you doing here?

Did you follow me?

No.

But I knew you were here because of the picture

you posted of your bruschetta.

This is completely inappropriate.

And only jackasses say "brew-sketta."

Just-just hear me out, I need to talk to you about Louis.

The time to talk to me about Louis was

before you lied to me to get him.

I only need five minutes.

I-I'’ll even pay for your dinner.

I mean, if you really knew me,

you'’d know what a big deal that is.

Fine, five minutes.

Thank you.

Oh, and if you want anything else, order fast--

the happy hour prices are about to go away.

What do you have to say?

[sighs] Look...

Walden is really a great guy.

All he wanted was to be a dad,

and he tried everything he could think of.

I mean, he only married me because I was his last resort.

I'’m like peeing in a Gatorade bottle

when you'’re stuck in traffic.

Nobody wants to do it, but sometimes it'’s your only option.

You know what a last resort looks like?

Like a 33-year-old woman who devoted herself to her career

because she had nothing else and then realized

she'’s not even good at that because she screwed up

and gave a kid to two guys pretending to be a gay couple.

I was just named employee of the month.

Now I can'’t even use my $25 Target gift card

without feeling guilty.

You are a good employee and a good person.

And, if it'’ll help, I'’ll, uh, I'’ll buy the gift card off you.

Uh, what'’s fair?

Ten? 15? Ten?

You know, the worst part of this is

I actually liked you guys.

I put your Christmas card on my fridge.

Now I don'’t even know who you are.

Who are those people on my fridge?!

We'’re the same two people that you trusted Louis with

in the first place.

This whole thing is a nightmare.

Do you realize I could lose my job?

I have five cats to support.

I know, and I-I feel terrible

that we put you in this position.

Our only intent was to give a child in need a good home.

Well, I suppose I can'’t fault you for that.

Great.

So...

we'’re done here, we get to keep Louis,

and I'’ll give you eight bucks for the gift card.

I wish it was that simple.

I just don'’t know what the right thing to do is.

Okay, well, y-you don'’t have to decide right now.

Let'’s, uh, let'’s talk about it.

Um, uh, can I get an appletini, uh, sugar rim, extra zest?

You don'’t have to pretend to be gay anymore.

Oh-oh, yeah, uh, right, uh, uh...

Uh, make it a mojito.

[whispers]: Skinny.

So, uh, what do you say, Ms. McMartin?

Uh, another Chardonnay?

Eh, what the hell?

It'’s not like this week could get any worse.

I can'’t believe I'’m doing this.

I can'’t believe you'’re doing this either.

Oh, oh, Alan.

Oh, Ms. McMartin.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

This is a disaster.

I'’m sorry.

Come on, man.

You like her. Rise and shine.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, no, no, it'’s not you.

Uh, although, if I, uh, if I did have one note, uh,

the beige granny panties didn'’t exactly move the needle.

They'’re nude-colored, and they are my work panties.

Although your use of the word "needle"

is anatomically accurate.

I am a grower, not a shower.

Why do I always make such a mess of things?

[crying]: I'’m sorry.

Don'’t be.

The crying'’s actually helping.

What?

Um, your weeping reminds me

of having sex with my first wife.

How did I get here?

I went to Stanford.

I turned down a job on Wall Street to help save the world,

and now I'’m in bed with an old guy

who can'’t get a boner!

[sobbing]

Um, actually, that is no longer the case.

Seatbacks and tray tables

are in their full upright position.

Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.

Get out.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Um...

I, uh...

I, uh, hope this won'’t affect your decision about Louis.

I would hate it if you held my flaccid penis

against Walden.

♪ Men.♪

Oh, hey.

Um, you'’re... you'’re still up.

It'’s 8:15.

Oh, to be young again.

So, uh, what have you been doing?

Oh, I-I was, uh, making a video montage

of the time we spent with Louis. You want to see it?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

♪ Ooh, child, things are gonna get eas... ♪

[music stops]

That'’s it?

Yeah, we really should have taken more pictures.

Where have you been?

Oh, I, uh... I, uh...

I went to, uh, see Ms. McMartin.

Are you kidding me?

She told us to leave her alone.

Alan, when people say that to you, they mean it.

Remember how you'’re not allowed to go to Subway anymore

and suggestively ask for "double meat"?

I-I was just trying to help us keep Louis.

Okay, tell me exactly what you did

so I can start to undo it.

O-Okay. Um, I followed her to a bar...

Oh, God!

This is like the time that we saw Kelly Ripa

outside the grocery store!

No. No, no, no.

So we-we had a few drinks,

uh, and the funny part is, um, we ended up in bed.

You had sex with Ms. McMartin?!

No!

No, I did not.

I was unable to maintain an erection.

This has gone from bad to worse. I might start crying.

I wouldn'’t.

♪ Men.♪

How you doing?

I'’ve been better.

Well, you want to forget the pain

or you want to forget your name?

Got anything to help me forget Alan?

If I did, I'’d be asking you, "Who'’s Alan?"

Listen, don'’t let yourself get too down.

It'’s like I tell my daughters,

no use crying until the verdict'’s read.

I tried to sway Ms. McMartin.

She won'’t even take my calls.

Well, someone ought to tell her

that you are the best thing that ever happened for that kid.

I'’m just worried about

what will happen to him if she doesn'’t let me keep him.

Being a foster kid makes you tough.

Before he goes, I'’ll teach him

how to make a shiv out of a Krazy Straw.

Thanks.

I needed a laugh.

Yeah, '’cause I'’m kidding.

I don'’t want him to leave either.

He'’s a good kid, isn'’t he?

Yeah.

If I lose him, all I'’m gonna have

is a five-second photo montage

and a picture of Alan as Wonder Woman.

Look, we'’re all in this together.

Anything I can do for you, you let me know.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

You know, if you happen to know a guy who specializes

in making a father and son disappear,

you just might want to keep that number handy.

I do know a guy

that could sneak 80 pounds into the country.

I don'’t see why he couldn'’t sneak 80 pounds out.

♪ Men.♪

Ms. McMartin is 15 minutes late.

You know, we might be a fraudulently gay couple,

but at least we'’re punctual.

We'’re not the only ones who lied.

I know for a fact that blonde is not her natural hair color.

[doorbell rings]

That'’s her.

Yeah, and she better watch it,

'’cause I am in mama grizzly mode.

Promise me you won'’t make this

more awkward than it already is.

You got it, of course.

Ms. McMartin.

Hello, Walden.

Alan.

'’Sup, girl?

Who'’s here?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Uh, it'’s Ms. McMartin.

Hi, Louis.

Hi.

Hey, why don'’t you go in your room and play, uh,

while the grown-ups talk for a little.

Sure. Okay.

You see how he handled that?

"Let the grown-ups talk."

Supportive and gentle,

not unlike your delightful beige work panties.

Alan, let the grown-ups talk.

I'’ve thought about this a long time,

and nobody wanted this to work out more than I did.

[sighs]

Please don'’t do this.

I have to do my job,

and the fact of the matter is you lied.

You committed fraud.

But we are legally married.

He is my best friend.

We'’re-we'’re good parents.

And-and clearly, we love each other.

WALDEN: Yes.

The-the only thing that we don'’t do

is, well, "love" each other.

But if that'’s the only reason that we don'’t get to keep Louis,

i-is because I don'’t put my man parts

into Alan'’s... mostly man parts...

...then we will have sex right here in front of you.

I mean... come on, Alan.

Oh, okay.

Um...

Guys, stop.

No, I am serious!

I will have sex with Alan right here

on the living room floor if we get to keep this kid!

Now, how can you say

that this isn'’t a great home for a child?

I know you'’re upset.

I am, too.

But I'’ve made up my mind.

No!

This can'’t be it!

LOUIS: I'’m ready.

What are you doing, buddy?

Whenever Ms. McMartin comes

and the grown-ups start yelling, I get taken away.

Oh, man.

I'’m very sorry, Louis.

What'’s going on?

She'’s taking him.

BERTA: What?

Hey, blondie, how many people know you'’re here?

Berta, it'’s okay.

And she'’s not a real blonde.

Come here.

I want you to know that this isn'’t your fault.

You didn'’t do anything wrong and you'’re a great kid.

I really liked it here.

We are, uh... we'’re gonna miss you, kiddo.

Me, too.

Here.

No.

T-Timothy'’s your best friend.

He'’ll be your best friend now.

[sobs]

Bye, Louis.

Bye. Bye, Berta.

So long, kid.

Come on, Louis.

I can'’t do this.

What?

No, the whole reason I took this job

was to help kids.

No matter how we got here,

this is the best place for him.

Oh, this is amazing.

Come here, buddy. Oh!

Did you grow while you were gone?

[laughs] No.

No?

Get ready for a mama bear hug.

Mama bear.[laughs]

Oh, my goodness, thank you.

No more lies.

No.

Unless my boss finds out about this.

Then I totally need you to lie.

Glad to have you back, kid.

Oh, and, Ms. McMartin,

you might want to stay away from your house

until I can make some phone calls.

Okay! Okay!

Let'’s put your stuff away, buddy.

Hey, you know what?

You can have this now,

'’cause I got my best friend back.

Technically, I'’m your best friend.

[laughs]

And I never left.

Still, a touching moment.

That was really sweet of you.

I feel good about it.

Today you earned your Target gift card.

[laughs]

Thanks.

No, thank you.

[sniffles]

Oh. Oh, are you... are you crying?

Yes, but... tears of joy.

Those work, too.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪ Wow!

That was amazing!

Yep.

Alan may disappoint sometimes,

but a little blue pill never does.

Hey, could I ask you a personal question?

What do you consider personal?

I already let you try on my work panties.

Well... how do I put this?

Ms. McMartin, what'’s your first name?

♪ Men.♪