Original subtitles

Previously onTwo and a Half Men...

I'’m not gay. Does Alan know?

Can we kiss again?Yeah.

Do you want to go up to my...Let'’s go.

Oh...

LOUIS: Walden, can you come here?

It'’s fine. I-I'’ve waited for two years.

I can wait a little bit longer.

Walden?

Parenting rule number four: sleep is better than sex.

♪ Men.♪All right, Louis,

let'’s go over the rules again.

We don'’t talk to strangers.

Don'’t climb the rock wall alone.

And?

We don'’t eat anything we find in the ball pit.

All right, now, go have fun.

[squeals]

All right, Alan,

let'’s go over your rules.

Uh, if I find a wallet, I have to turn it in.

Uh, no haggling over the corn dog prices.

And?

No standing underneath the moms

on the rock wall.The rock wall. Yes.

Oh, great.

What?

Laurel'’s here.

ALAN: Oh.

So go talk to her.

What am I supposed to say? "I'’m sorry about our date.

"It'’s just that I prefer sleeping with a six-year-old kid

to sleeping with you."

Oh, oh, it'’s okay. I'’m-I'’m talking about my own son.

You know, maybe I'’ll just avoid her.

If I wanted to avoid every woman I ever embarrassed myself

in front of, I'’d never leave the house.

I'’d even have to steer clear of the UPS lady.

She looked in the window and caught me...

handling my own package.

You know, it'’s not the things that you do,

so much as the way that you say them.

No, no.

It-It'’s also the things that you do.

Okay, you know, I just wish there was a way

to, like, jump over the awkwardness

and get right into the conversation with her.

You know what, I think I can... I can help you with that.

Laurel!

Look who'’s here! And awake!

Hey, guys.

I'’ll, uh... I'’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.

I'’m gonna go check on Louis.

Hey, remember how we used to have to pretend to be gay?

Crazy, right? [chuckles]

I'’m sorry I didn'’t call.

And I'’m-I'’m sorry

I fell asleep instead of having sex with you. I...

Will you stop walking by?

I really am sorry.

I'’m not mad.

Though you are now in my phone as Rip Van Walden.

I'’m sorry, what was that? I just nodded off.

So, what you been up to?

Oh, you know, not much. Just...

training for a marathon,

developing an international photo sharing app,

and I'’m writing a young adult novel.

Wow. Really?

No, I have a six-year-old.

All I do is come here and eat food on a stick.

Well, do you want to... maybe...

schedule another playdate?

I would love that.

I mean, Lily would love that.Oh.

Louis would also love it.

Imagine

all the... games

that they would play together.

Yeah. And all the, uh, toys they would play with.

Toys? I-I hope none of them are...

a choking hazard.

Wouldn'’t matter to me.

I don'’t have a gag reflex.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

Morning. [groans]

How'’s the neck?

Not good.

Yeah. Well, I told you not to stand under that mom

on the rock wall.

That'’s why we have rules!

Yeah, well, wearing underwear on the rock wall

should be one of those.

Hey, Louis, are you excited about your playdate with Lily?

I guess.

"I guess."

You got a cute girl coming over here.

You should be popping in the...

Kidz Bop Slow Jamz and putting some Sunny D on ice.

Do I have to share my Legos with her?

Of course not. It'’s a playdate. You'’re not marrying her.

Alan.

Yes, we should share everything we can--

our toys, our books, our...

sausage links.

ALAN: If I could move

my neck, I'’d give you such a look right now.

The lesson is that we should all share.

Okay. I got to poop.

Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?

Sharing.

No. No, that'’s taking!

That'’s my job in this house!

♪ Men.♪

So what'’s the deal?

Pinched nerve? Slipped disk?

The official diagnosis? You'’re old.

Very funny. I'’d like a second opinion.

All right, you'’re also out of shape.

Come on, I'’m in decent shape for my age.

Eh...

Look, Alan, when you get to be our age,

you get a little more fragile.

You-you don'’t bounce back as easily.

The only thing that bounces back is that belly

when I poke it. [chuckles]

Stop it.

I used to be in the same boat as you.

Then I found this awesome new gym,

put myself on a regular workout program.

Now I'’m in the best shape of my life.

Surprised you didn'’t notice.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You, uh... you look great.

It'’s too late, Alan. The damage has been done.

You should come down and work out with me.

It'’s, uh, nothing but hot women in yoga pants

as far as the eye can see.

Sure, it'’s a little creepy if you look right at '’em,

but, uh, there are mirrors everywhere.

Yeah. I guess I could break out

the old headband and leg warmers.

Great. Hey, uh, since I got you here,

it'’s, uh... it'’s been a year since your last prostate exam.

Oh, no.

If it makes you feel any better, you get a lollipop afterwards.

Well, I'’ve done a lot more for a lot less.

♪ Men.♪

Aw.Aw.

It'’s like the eye of a hurricane.

It'’s eerily quiet now, but in an hour

everything will be broken and wet.

Well, at least I'’m not the only one who falls asleep

when cute girls are around.

Aw. Thanks so much for having us.

I'’m very impressed with this spread.

What kind of cheese is this?

Uh...

okay, I have to confess.

They'’re Lunchables.

That'’s the yellow cheese,

but I also have the orange and the white.

No. No, thanks. I'’m gonna save room for the Fruit Roll-Up.

So tell me,

how is it that a guy like you is not already married

to some-- I don'’t know-- gorgeous swimsuit model?

Okay, you obviously haven'’t seen Alan in a Speedo.

I'’m-I'’m serious.

You'’re sweet, you'’re good-looking, you'’re successful.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay. I'’ve been told...

that I listen too much.

Which is a common problem

among men whose penises are too large.

[snorts]

Uh, well, I-I also have this...

this teeny, tiny quirk where, uh,

I screw up relationships as soon as they start going well.

Oh. That'’s encouraging.

Oh, oh. No, no, no. But don'’t worry, uh,

'’cause this isn'’t going well at all.

Well, I'’m glad to hear you say that

'’cause... I was about to leave.

Oh.

Mmm, okay. That-that kind of behavior

can get you put in time-out.

[chuckles] Time-outs don'’t work on me.

I need to be spanked.

[chuckles]

Looks like someone needs to be sent to my room.

Wow. Look at the Lululemons on her.

Did I tell you or did I tell you?

Yeah.Be cool, though.

Getting tagged as a lurker is a hard label to shake.

So I'’ve heard.

Oh, oh, check out the redhead.

Her shorts say "Juicy."

If our garments are being honest,

mine would say "Aroused." [chuckles]

Ooh, look at the blonde on the yoga ball.Mmm,

bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

Lyndsey?

Alan.

How did I not recognize her?

I'’ve got to look at more faces.

I didn'’t know you were a member here.

Herb.

I see they'’ve reinstated your membership.

The appeals process was arduous,

but, ultimately, justice was served.

So, uh, how'’s everything?

Good. I'’m sober again.

I traded booze for exercise.

You know, whenever I want a drink, I come here instead.

Good thing this place is open 24 hours.

Well, I'’m really happy for you. You look great.

I also think you look great.

In fact, as a medical professional,

my opinion is "wowza."

Thanks. Anyway, I got to go.

It'’s time for my spin class.

Oh, so, uh... so you went from a-a room

that was spinning to a room for spinning.

[chuckles]

You know... glug, glug, glug, glug.

[dizzy, retching sounds]

[chuckles]

Anyway, great seeing you.

Yeah.

I missed this.

Wow, she looks amazing.

Did you see how flat her stomach is?

She'’s always had great abs. All that dry heaving

gives you a hell of a six-pack.

So, uh, you two are over?

Oh, yeah. You know, it'’s complicated with me

and Walden and Louis. Plus, you know, I don'’t know

that Lyndsey and I were ever really good for each other.

Kind of like me and lactose.

That'’s too bad.Mmm.

Mind if I take a crack at her?

What?

You two aren'’t together anymore.

Maybe the cure for what ails her is a little Herb-al essence.

Dude, you already married my ex-wife,

you moved into my house, and earlier today

you had your finger halfway to my liver.

Maybe we share enough as it is.

Okay, I get it. Bro code.

Thank you.

Just so you know, that exam was no picnic for me, either.

[moaning softly]

Did you hear that?

I think it was the kids downstairs.

What kids? [chuckles]

Oh. [chuckles]

You'’re right. It was probably nothing.

[grunting]

Oh, wait. What if one of them walks in on us?

I had a hard enough time explaining

where milk comes from.

Do you want to lock the door?

Yes.

[chuckles]

Mmm. Oh, no, no, no.

What if there'’s an emergency?

What if they need to come get us?

What-what... what if there'’s a burglar or a fire,

or a burglar who sets a fire as a distraction?

Oh, no, no.

[laughs]

Not on my watch!

Oh, my God, you'’re adorable.

But if you can'’t stop worrying all the time,

you'’re never gonna have sex again.

Oh, my God.

I'’m never gonna have sex again.

You'’re used to single-people sex.

That'’s a luxurious four-course meal at a fine restaurant.

Parent sex is a drive-through.

Get in, get out,

hope you don'’t get anything on your shirt. Oh.

Looks like your order just got supersized.

[laughs]

[moaning]

LOUIS: Walden?

Yes! Coming! Right there!

Oh, God, are you okay?

I'’m fine. Good news is, you finally got my bra off.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Morning.

Morning. Where'’s Louis?

I sent him to take a bath.

Oh, by the way, if you want syrup on your French toast,

catch him before he hits the water.

No. No French toast for me.

I'’m hitting the gym a little later.

Oh, uh, by the way, the beach is that way.

Oh, look at that.

Uh, my fitness band says that my pulse rate is 87.

Tell me when it gets to zero.

Yeah, joke all you want,

but this little gizmo tracks all my physical activity.

So far today, I have burned... 400 calories.

Oh, wow. Did you go for a run?

Nope, never left my bed.

Oh, come on!

So, how was your playdate with Laurel?

Okay, let-let me... let me ask you guys something.

When you had young kids, and they were still in the house,

did you have a hard time, like... you know...

♪ Bow chicka wow wow?

Oh. Oh, well, Jake walked in on Judith and me countless times.

Eventually, we stopped having sex altogether.

Those aren'’t related.

I just... I don'’t know what to do.

It'’s like, Louis is stealing your sausage and blocking mine.

Well, sooner or later, you just get over it.

Uh, but in the meantime, why don'’t you take her out

for a romantic night to a hotel?

Oh. I like that.

Plus, people do all kinds of things in hotels

they don'’t do at home.

Like pay eight dollars for peanuts.

I used to love to have sex in hotel rooms.

Then they caught me, and they fired me.

♪ Men.♪

Do you want to work in?

What?

Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah.

Uh, definitely want to work in.

Why else would I be sitting here?

Thanks. [laughs] No problem.

Just, uh, show you the proper technique.

Mm.

Here we go. [sighs]

[laughs]

[grunting]

Aah!Oh, aah.

Bum shoulder. Yeah.

Got it the last Iron Man.

The movie, not the triathlon.

I slipped in the lobby on some artificial butter.

Oh. There we go, lighten the load, and, uh...

One time, here we go.

[laughs]

[groaning]

[passes gas]

Oh, God!

Nice meeting you!

Hey, Alan.

Oh. Oh, hey, Lyndsey. Oh, hey.

Yeah, I was just, uh...

I was just doing the, uh, the fly machine.

You know, working out.

You'’re really committing to this workout thing.

I'’m impressed.

I know. I haven'’t been anyplace two days in a row

since Jersey Boyswas touring.

Where'’s Herb?Uh, in the office.

He got all excited about an outbreak of pinkeye.

When kids see pink, Herb sees green.

Well, tell him I said "hi."

Oh, I don'’t know

if that'’s such a great idea.

What do you mean?

Well, get this.

Uh, after we saw you the other day,

he wanted to know if it was okay to ask you out.

But don'’t worry. I told him no.

What?

You have no right to decide who I go out with.

Oh, come on, Lyndsey. I mean, how would you feel

if one of your friends wanted to go out with me?

Shocked, stunned, like I need new friends.

Look, I am just trying to help.

You just got sober.

I mean, before you move onto somebody else,

you should probably get over your breakup

with Captain Morgan.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

If I want to go out with Herb, it is none of your business.

In fact, nothing I do is any of your business!

Just stay the hell out of my life!

Roid rage.

[laughs]

Phew.

♪ Men.♪

[laughing]: Okay.

This was officially a great idea.

Did you like the way I checked us in?

Mr. and Mrs. R. Doinit?

Um, I like to go by my maiden name--

Gettin'’ Some.

Hey, check this out.

[laughs]

I just walked across the floor without stepping on a Lego.

[gasps]

Look, there'’s chocolate on the pillows,

and it'’s not even in the shape of a handprint.

Oh. Get over here, woman. Uh-uh.

No, no. I'’ve got a surprise for you.

A surprise?

Mm-hmm. Yay! What is it?

Oh, I'’ll give you a hint.

It'’s lacy, it'’s new, and you get to bite the tags off.

If it'’s big enough to have tags on it,

I already don'’t like it.

♪ Men.♪

[doorbell ringing]

Alan, what are you doing here?

Well, I felt bad about earlier, and I wanted to apologize.

These are for you.

For me, huh?

"Mr. Schmidt, thank you so much for your generous donation

to the children'’s hospital."

Um, I-I did not see that.

HERB: Is that the pizza guy?

Herb?

Alan, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here, and... and why are you wearing my robe?

I'’ll let you guys talk.

Alan, you showing up here is the second best thing

that'’s happened to me today.

What the hell, Herb?

Believe me, I had no intention of going behind your back,

but out of nowhere, Lyndsey invited me over for dinner,

and I thought, "What'’s the harm?"

Well, then, dinner turned into dessert,

and dessert turned into, well, sex with Lyndsey.

This hurts, Herb.

Yesterday you were tickling my prostate,

and today you'’re stabbing me in the back.

Hey, it'’s your fault.

You made me forbidden fruit.

I was off-limits, like dancing in Footloose.

Look, I'’m sorry it happened like this.

And, well, if you want me to stop seeing her,

just say the word, and it'’s over.

LYNDSEY: Herb?

Well, you had your chance.

What do you think?

It'’s horrible. Take it off.

[laughs]

Oh! Ooh!

[phone chirps]

No! [laughs]

It'’s okay. Get it.

[sighs]

Okay, babysitter wants to know

if Lily can have ice cream for dessert. [laughs]

"Don'’t care. Getting laid."

[mutters]

No, I just wrote "Yes."

[laughter]

Oh, hey, you know, next time, we should just get one babysitter,

and then Louis can sleep over with Lily at my house,

and I can sleep over with you at your house.

Yeah, maybe.

Wait, wait, whoa, hold on.

Do you not want there to be a next time?

I mean, please reserve your judgment

until after the first time.

[laughs] I rarely

disappoint a woman sexually before we have sex.

No, it'’s just... all kids have their differences.

But I don'’t want to talk about Louis and Lily right now.

In fact, I don'’t want to talk at all.

I got better things to do with my mouth.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Hold on.

Wait. Louis and Lily don'’t get along?

Well, you know how kids are.

One week, they like each other; the next, they don'’t.

So Louis doesn'’t like to share.

Lucky for you, I do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Louis does not have a problem sharing.

In fact, I just talked to him specifically about sharing.

I'’m sorry. Lily must have made it up.

That'’s probably it. Okay.

Wait a second.

So you'’re okay with saying that Lily'’s a liar,

but you can'’t admit that Louis has issues?

[laughs] Oh. Okay, hold on.

I think I would know if my son has issues.

Right, '’cause you'’ve been a parent

for all of, what, two weeks?

Two and a half. [sighs]

And fancy you lecturing me.

The mother of Lily the biter.

What? Lily'’s not a biter.

All the other parents call her "Lily-goat."

You know what? This was a bad idea.

Oh, yeah, it was...

[bleating]: baa-aa-aa-aa-aad.

That was a sheep.

And if this is how you talk to women in bed,

then no wonder you had to marry Alan.

[gasps] You will leave my husband out of this!

You don'’t even know what you'’re missing.

You were about to have the hottest sex of your life!

Oh, oh, easy for you to say

since you don'’t have to back it up.

Oh, you want me to back it up?! '’Cause I'’ll back it up!

Yeah, back it on up!

Oh, what, are we gonna have sex?

Shut up! Oh...

[yelps, chuckles]

Okay, I see where Lily gets her biting.

♪ Men.♪

Boy, I was angrier than I thought.

[exhales]

Boy, I was angrier than I thought.

[panting]

Boy, I was angrier than I thought.