Original subtitles

♪ Men.♪

Okay. Hold up your gifts.

Everybody has to see the gold and frankincense and myrrh

so they know we'’re the three wise men.

It'’s 88 degrees out.

I don'’t have any myrrh.

Unless it'’s the biblical term for "swamp ass."

We want this to be mantel-worthy.

We want people to say, you know, "Look at those costumes,

"look at that view, look at Cher'’s house

perfectly positioned over Alan'’s right shoulder."

Oh, it'’s got to be better than last year.

Me as Joseph, Berta as the Virgin Mary

looking down at you in a diaper.

People loved that.

Okay, here we go.

[camera beeps]

Now everybody say...

Sweet baby Jesus!

Sweet baby Jesus!

Sorry about that.

Oh, that'’s so cute.

You guys are dressed as Duck Dynasty.

No. We'’re the three kings of Bethlehem.

Oh, right.

I don'’t get HBO.

Guys, look at him.

Isn'’t he the cutest in his little robe and beard?

You want my gold?

WOMEN: Oh!

First cute girl he meets, he'’s already giving away his money.

You know, I think I have a better idea for a holiday card.

[camera clicks]

[to "Jingle Bells"]: ♪ Men-men-men, men-men-men

♪ Men-men-men, men-men.

[bells jingling]♪ Men, men, men, men

♪ Manly men, men, men

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

I found the fake snow!

Oh.

It looks real.

Yeah. I love a white Christmas.

So did Charlie.

He used to put snow on every mirror in the house.

Okay.

Hey, hey, buddy, why don'’t you go inside

and write your letter to Santa?

Santa'’s not real.

What?

Of course he is.

He'’s never brought me anything I asked for.

Hey, I am sure

that Santa'’s gonna come through for you this year, buddy.

That'’s what grown-ups always say.

Come inside with me.

I made gingerbread Zippys.

I was gonna make gingerbread houses,

but everybody knows Zippys don'’t have houses.

A six-year-old boy who doesn'’t believe in Santa.

How sad is that?

Almost as sad as my 20-year-old boy who does.

This sucks.

Just '’cause he grew up in a group home doesn'’t mean

that he can'’t enjoy the magic of Christmas.

I know. It was always Jake'’s favorite holiday.

Especially the year he turned 13

and got his first Christmas boner.

It was the only toy he played with all day.

Hey, you know, I bet Louis would believe

if we got him exactly what he wanted.

I don'’t know what he wants.

ROSE: He wants a bike.

God! Rose.

What are you doing here?

Wait. How do you know about Louis?

Oh, Walden, you'’re so adorable.

I just wanted to bring by my homemade Christmas candies.

Do you like nuts?

Covered in chocolate, yes.

With a sweater and skirt, no.

Oh. Okay.

On this day, Walden'’s heart shrank three sizes.

Anyway,

I know this time of year can get busy,

so if you need a helping hand, I'’m here.

I can wrap presents or babysit or read a Christmas story.

I'’m great at doing voices.

Or hearing them.

What do you want, Rose?

My DNA, my fingerprints, a lock of my hair?

No, silly.

I have all that.

I want to be your friend again.

I don'’t think that I'’m comfortable

with you being around Louis.

Or me.

If you want to hang out with Alan, that'’s fine.

I'’ll pass.

♪ Men.♪

Here you go-- a little Christmas cheer for everyone.

Ugh! What is this?

It'’s eggnog.

With no rum!

Eggnog without booze is as boring and bland

as church without booze.

Be a dear and go get some rum for your grandmother.

Evelyn, he'’s six years old.

Oh. Yes, right.

The rum is in a bottle with a pirate on it.

Maybe-maybe we can wait until Louis goes to bed.

Of course.

So run along to bed, dear.

Mom.

If you don'’t go to sleep, Santa won'’t come.

There is no Santa.

What?! Of course there is.

Santa'’s as real as the nose on my face.

[clears throat]

Well, he'’s as real as my...

Trust me, he'’s real.

You know, she'’s right, and tonight we'’re gonna prove it,

because we got a Santa cam,

so we can catch the big man in red on video.

Santa Claus!

Old Saint Nick!

[French accent]: Papa Noel.

[Italian accent]: Babbo Natale.

[German accent]: Weihnachtsmann.

Which, of course, means "Christmas man" in German.

Teachable moment.

The-the point is, in the morning,

when you see him on video,

then you'’ll believe he'’s real, right?

I guess.

I guess?! What?

It'’s a Christmas miracle!

Did you hear that, Alan? Did you hear that, Evelyn?

[imitating Jimmy Stewart]: You hear that, Clarence?

Merry Christmas, you wonderful old building and loan!

Okay, off to bed you go.

And soon, you'’ll have visions of sugar plums

dancing in your head.

Can I have some pirate rum?

No, we don'’t want visions

of pink elephants dancing in our head.

Okay, you go brush your teeth, and I'’ll be in in a minute.

When Alan was little and couldn'’t sleep,

I used to give him whiskey.

Breast-feeding doesn'’t count, Mother.

So here'’s the plan.

Santa'’s not actually coming.

You don'’t say.

But how awesome is this?

We got the number two guy from the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

So, if the giant

Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose and kills the number one Santa,

this is the guy.

ALAN: Yeah.

He also appeared as Santa

on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

He and Chuck Norris fought the bad guys with Christmas fu.

So, when he gets here, he'’s gonna take the presents

that we bought for him, and he'’s gonna put them under the tree,

and then we'’ll get it on video,

and then Louis will have the perfect Charlie Brown Christmas.

[to "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"]: ♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou

BOTH: ♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪

I need rum.

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou...

♪ Men.♪

Santa'’s here!

I give you Kris Kringle.

Are you smoking pot?

Of course not.

Don'’t worry.

Santa'’s got a prescription card.

Well, apparently, the presents

have already been delivered in Colorado.

[clears throat]

Here. Come on in.

I'’m Walden. This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.

Uh, wh-what do you go by? Mr. Claus?

[chuckles]

[Italian accent]: Babbo Natale?

[German accent]: Weihnachtsmann?

Actually, it'’s Frank.

It'’s not very Christmasy.

Well, if you don'’t like it,

I can hang some mistletoe over my ass.

That'’s my son you'’re talking to.

Good one.

I-I... I'’m sorry. We'’re-we'’re just really excited.

It'’s our first Christmas with our foster son.

Uh, basically, what we'’re gonna do is

film you putting the presents under the tree.

Uh, and then I'’ve written a little something

for you to say to Louis.

Let me guess.

"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Louis!"

Oh, that'’s better.

Go with that.

Okay, okay, okay, and then...

then you'’ll take a bite of the cookie,

you'’ll crunch the carrot, you'’ll sip the milk,

wink at the camera, jiggle your belly and leave.

So it'’s toys, bite, crunch,

sip, wink, jiggle, leave.

Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave.

Got it?

So you want me to be Santa.

Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave.

That sounds a lot like an orgy I had in Palm Springs once.

♪ Men.♪

All right, let'’s get this stuff wrapped

so we can enjoy this holiday the way I always imagined.

Listening to Michael Bublé'’s Christmas album...

with my husband.

Aw, looks like Alan'’s getting his first gift early.

Where'’s the boy'’s bike?

Oh, right here.

That'’s not a boy'’s bike. That'’s a box.

The boy'’s bike'’s in the box.

Tell me the boy'’s bike in the box has been built.

Oh, no, they wanted $75 to assemble it.

That'’s like ten pairs of pants.

I was paying for it!

Oh, come on.

How hard could it be?

♪ Men.♪

Uh, sorry, looks like it'’s gonna be

a little longer than we expected.

Uh, any chance you know how to put together a bike?

Right now, I'’m too buzzed to have a tool in my hand.

I'’m just buzzed enough to have a tool in mine.

Well, ho, ho, ho.

Exactly.

Here.

Let me get us both a little more eggnog.

Um, Santa, did you drive your own sleigh over here tonight?

Nope. Santa Ubered.

Oh, well, uh, hope your driver was named Rudolph.

[laughs]

Um, so what'’s going on?

Does Santa know you'’re married?

Does the IRS know you don'’t have five children?

Marty and I have an open marriage.

And since he'’s 93,

my end opens a little more frequently than his.

As does your mouth.

That'’s one of the ends I was talking about.

Here you go.

You'’re running low on eggnog, so this one is all rum.

[laughs] Thank you.

You know, this is a situation

where Santa doesn'’t need a little helper.

So on, Prancer.

Fine.

But just know this:

I am not afraid to give Santa a negative review on Yelp.

♪ Men.♪

Okay, I can'’t make heads or tails of these instructions.

They'’re barely in English.

Uh, "The bolts of turning

"shall revolve clockwords

as in above figure below."

Does it say anything about roommate of cheapness shall have

foot inserted in back hole till tight?

Oh.

I guess on the first day of Christmas,

my true love threatened me.

I'’m sorry, but it'’s Louis'’s

first Christmas not in the group home,

and I want it to be perfect.

No Christmas is ever perfect.

There'’s always gonna be a toy

that'’s broken or the wrong kind of batteries.

I mean, even on the very first Christmas,

Mary and Joseph woke up to the smell of donkey crap.

I know. I just...

I want him to believe in Santa,

and-and get this bike

and-and wake up to a winter wonderland.

Not that I ordered a truckload of snow.

I didn'’t get reindeer!

Well, they'’re endangered.

We could still make Christmas special for Louis.

We just got to finish this bike. We can do this.

You'’re right. We got an M.I.T. engineer and a...

formerly board-certified chiropractor.

Yeah, now we'’re talking.

I mean, this can'’t be more difficult

than realigning someone'’s spine.[scoffs]

Here. [chuckles] You know, you got, uh...

you got your, uh, your L2, uh, connected to your L3.

[chuckles] And all we have to do is

put the right pressure on the right spot and...

Uh, and that is why I am

a formerlyboard-certified chiropractor.

♪ Men.♪

[bells jingling rhythmically]

EVELYN [moaning]: Oh, Santa.

[bells jingling faster]

Oh, Santa!

Oh, no.

[bells jingling rapidly]

SANTA: Here comes Santa Claus!

Here comes Santa Claus!

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Oh, my God.

What happened?

I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus.

What?It'’s 1972 all over again.

We have a problem.

Yes, you have a problem.

You are the Christmas whore!

Be that as it may, I think I killed Santa Claus.

Oh, God!

It'’s exactly like 1972!

♪ Men.♪

Is he gonna be okay?

Yeah, It was just atrial fibrillation.

He just needs some medication and a few days rest.

You hear that, sweetheart? I'’ll be fine by New Year'’s.

I'’ll be counting down till the balls drop.

Well, thank God Louis didn'’t see any of this.

He would'’ve been traumatized.

Louis? What about me?

The man almost died while he was having sex with me.

That'’s not easy to get over.

No matter how many times it happens.

Okay, well, all right, well, there you have it.

Merry Christmas, Louis.

Your grandmother banged Santa within an inch of his life.

Here'’s half a bike!

W-We can salvage this.

There'’s still enough time to-to finish the bike,

wrap the other gifts and get them under the tree.

Okay, you'’re right.

Louis will be asleep for six more hours.

LOUIS: Walden?

Oh, come on!

I heard a noise. Did Santa come?

Sadly, no.

♪ Men.♪

All right.

Where'’s Evelyn?

Oh, well, uh...

she went to her house to play with...

her toys.

All right, time for bed, bud.

That'’s right. Santa'’s on his way.All right.

If Santa is real,

then how does he get in all the kids'’ houses in one night?

Well, he'’s got Christmas magic.

And how does he know where everybody lives?

Well... that'’s the magic of Google Maps.

All right.

Good night, buddy. Time to go to sleep.

Can you guys stay with me till I fall asleep?

Sure. Yeah.

It'’s not like we need to help Santa assemble toys.

He pays his elves $75 to do that.

That'’s Timothy'’s spot.

Oh, oh, okay.

Um...

I guess, uh...

Good boy.

♪ Men.♪

Alan?

Mm-hmm?

Oh, oh, my God!

Oh, don'’t flatter yourself.

I get one every morning.

Where'’s Louis?

Hmm?

It'’s 7:00. We fell asleep.

Oh, crap. Th-The bike.

The presents. What are we gonna do?

Well, is it too late to tell him we'’re Jewish?

What the...

Santa came! He is real!

Did you...?

No.

He'’s on the video.

You didn'’t see Grandma Evelyn wrestling with Santa, did you?

No, just Santa.

ALAN: That'’s...

Santa.

Oh, my God.

If the Easy Bake Oven I have always wanted

is under that tree, it is gonna blow my mind.

Can I go outside and ride my bike?

Sure.

Alan, do you want to...?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Uh, let'’s go, buddy. [chuckles]

Looks like we had a great Christmas

and saved $75.

Rose?

All right, come on, Rose, I know you'’re down there.

Actually, I'’m behind you.

Ah, son of a...!

How do you do that?

Whydo you do that?!

Oh, a girl'’s got to have a little fun.

Merry Christmas.

I-I cannot believe that you went to all that trouble for us.

You mean you can'’t believe Santa went to all that trouble.

Okay, then I guess

I need to say thank you to Santa.

Well, he doesn'’t do it for the thanks,

he does it because he genuinely wants

to make the people in his life happy.

Are you happy, Walden?

I am.

I-I couldn'’t have imagined a better Christmas morning.

I mean, other than waking up with Alan poking me in the back.

Listen, I...

I'’m sorry that I said I didn'’t want you around.

Oh, please.

It'’s not like every time somebody says

something mean to me, I write it down in a big book called

"Those Who Have Wronged Me." [chuckles]

That'’s funny.

I think.

Well, I told you before, I just want to be your friend.

Well, you are.

And...

I'’m sorry if I forgot that.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Oh, hey, but how did Santa

manage to put that bike together?

The instructions couldn'’t have been any clearer.

"The bolts of turning shall revolve clockwords

as in above figure below."

[chuckles] Duh.

Yeah. Duh.

Do you guys have big plans for later?

Uh, no, just the usual.

Open gifts, call family,

hope that you get their voice mail.

Oh, the best part is Alan'’s gonna deep-fry a turkey,

so there'’s a 50/50 chance he'’ll catch himself on fire.

Oh, I got you guys

a little something for the house.

And I hope that every time you look at it,

you'’ll think of me.

[chuckles]

Oh! A cuckoo clock.

I get it. '’Cause you'’re...

[whistles]

[chuckles]

What?

No.

Because it'’s red like a rose.

How could you hurt me on Christmas?

I'’m sorry. I-I...

I thought it was...Oh, I'’m just kidding.

No, it'’s totally '’cause I'’m cuckoo.

Well, Merry Christmas, Walden.

Merry Christmas, Rose.

[clock chiming, cuckooing]

[laughs]

How cute is that? It'’s a tiny Rose.

Wait, is that her real hair?

ROSE: No, it'’s yours.

♪ Men.♪

♪ You better watch out, you better not cry ♪

♪ You better not pout... You know,

this is what Christmas is all about.

Family, Bublé,

deep-fried turkey.

Life is good, Alan.

Hmm. It is.

Um, can you cut mine for me?

Deep-fried fingers.

[clock chiming, cuckooing]

That was sweet of Rose.Yeah.

You know, I-I'’ve always been so cynical of her.

Maybe she does just want to be friends, you know?

♪ Now, he sees you when you'’re sleeping... ♪