Original subtitles

Ugh.

How is it possible

that kids weigh twice as much when they'’re asleep?

I know.

And he should weigh less after his little mishap

on the spinning teacups.

Yeah.

Felt bad for that girl in the Cinderella costume

in the cup behind us.

She was right in the splash zone.

[groans] I'’m exhausted.

Me, too.

I'’m also sticky and dirty and sweaty and slimy.

I'’m like the seven dwarfs of disgusting.

Ugh, I should not have eaten that funnel cake.

[groans]

Well, I see your funnel cake

and raise you a deep-fried Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie.

I think I blacked out briefly.

[both groaning]

Is being a dad always this tiring?

These are the best moments of your life.

And they are over so fast.

Seems like only yesterday,

Jake was holding my hand in the haunted house.

Now he'’s half a world away in the army,

wondering if a "dishonorable discharge" is something you get

from a dirty geisha.

So sweet.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men.

♪ Men.♪

Walden?

What?

What do you want?

Are you asleep?

[whines]: Yes.

That'’s what people do at...

5:30 in the morning.

Is it okay if I can make breakfast?

Sure.

Thanks.

Walden?

Walden'’s not here, please leave a message.

How do you like your pancakes?

Quietly.

In three hours.

With blueberries.

Okay, I'’ll go make them.

Oh, God.

Flames.

♪ Men.♪

Walden?

Ready or not, here I come.

What?

Louis and I, we'’re playing hide and seek.

He'’s under his bed, hiding

and I'’m in the kitchen, seeking sleep.

I hear ya.

I barely got my eight hours.

I don'’t know if I can handle this.

Little boys have a lot of energy.

They'’re like cute little crackheads.

Except crackheads have better toilet aim.

No, no, this isn'’t about being tired.

I just, I don'’t know if I'’m cut out to be a dad.

Hey, I didn'’t think I could live

in a Malibu beach house for free,

but I figured it out.

Well, I don'’t know if I can figure this out.

I mean, th-this kid has bounced around

the foster care system his whole life.

I mean, I-I don'’t know what he needs.

I mean, does he need structure?

Does he need freedom?

Does he need medication?

I should have asked that before they dropped him off.

All he needs is your love and support.

[imitates Alan mockingly]

That'’s a bunch of crap.

Walden, every parent goes through this.

B-But you'’re actually doing a great job.

You'’re just overwhelmed because this is all so new,

a-and you'’re trying to be everything to him all the time.

You know, full-time dad, full-time playmate.

You have to give yourself a break.

How?

He'’s 24-7.

He'’s like the Energizer bunny.

You know why you never met the Energizer bunny'’s dad?

'’Cause one night, he went out for cigarettes,

and he just kept going and going and going.

One thing that'’ll help is getting Louis some friends.

Playdates.

They chase each other around for hours,

eventually they pass out like work dogs.

Kid'’ll be in bed by 8:00,

then it'’s you, me, a bowl of popcorn

and binge-watching The Good Wife.

Okay, so what?

So, I just... I'’ll just Google a place

to meet a fun cute six-year-old.

Oh, yeah. No.

I heard it when I said it.

♪ Men.♪

Uh, this place is awesome.

They have a rock wall.

Will you climb it with me?

Oh, buddy, you know, the whole idea is for you to come here

and meet all these other kids.

No, just you and me.

Please?

Oh.

All right, I mean, come on.

How do you say no to those eyes?I hear ya.

Oh, uh, hey, can I have some money for the snack bar?

Please? No.

It'’s not my fault you already spent all your allowance.

Room for one more?

Absolutely.

Care for a juice box?

We have cherry, grape and Chardonnay.

Well, what else can I say except, "chardonn-yay."

Uh, I am Alan.

Uh, that'’s Louis over there, he'’s mine.

I'’m Danielle, and that'’s my daughter in the water wings.

Oh, is there a pool here?No.

At some point, you just pick your battles.

I'’m Laurel, this is Julie.

Oh, hot dad on the rock wall.

I claim this as Mount Louis!

Wow, he'’s really cute.

Big time.

Sorry, ladies.

He'’s taken.

No kidding? Good for you.

How'’d you snag him?

I met him at a low point in his life, and I took care of him.

And he'’s been taking care of me every day since.

[oohing, giggling]

That'’s the kind of man I need.

No, that'’s the kind of man I need.

You'’re married.

Yeah, to Roger.

He hasn'’t screwed me since the prenup.

BOTH: Classic Julie.

Oh, this is so Sex and the City right now.

Alan, do we have any wipes?

The kid above me dripped something on my face.

The best-case scenario is snot.

Here, I'’ve got some.

Oh, thank you.

Walden, this is, uh, Laurel, Danielle and Julie.

The ladies, the gals.

The juice box heroes.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, nice to meet you all.

Your son is adorable.

I'’m his husband, silly.

So, uh, which one'’s yours?

My daughter, Lily,

is the one licking that little boy.

Sweetie, we don'’t lick strangers!

Oh, and I thought we were gonna be friends.

All right.

I'’m headed to the ball pit.

Same thing he said as he dove under the covers last night.

Boing.

♪ Men.♪

Thanks for having us.

I got to say, this is a great spot for a playdate.

This view is amazing.

Yes. Yes, it is.

You know, I used to walk by houses like this

and think the people on the decks were just looking

down their noses at everyone, feeling all superior.

Now I know it'’s true.

Roger sold our beach house

'’cause he said we never used it.

Using that logic, we should sell his penis.

[laughs]

Classic Julie.

Hey, w-we should make this a regular thing.

[thudding, shattering]

Oh. Yeah, next time we'’ll do it at one of your houses.

Hey, uh, Louis, is everything okay?

Over.

LOUIS: Lego tower fell over.

Uh, you didn'’t say "over."

Over.

I said the Lego tower fell over.

Over.

You'’re so good with him. Over.

Actually, I-I feel like I have no idea what I'’m doing.

Join the club.

Parenting'’s like a yoga class.

You just do what everybody else is doing

and try not to laugh when someone farts.

Okay, so all the kids are playing in Louis'’ room.

Well, technically, three of them are playing together,

and Louis is in the corner, coloring by himself.

That'’s perfectly normal.

The parenting books call it "parallel play."

Oh, that'’s good to know.

So, in high school, I wasn'’t such a weirdo.

I was just a parallel player.

My sex life with my first wife was a lot of parallel play.

Just give Louis time.

Remember, this is all new for him.

Kind of like learning on my honeymoon

that I wasn'’t going to have sex was all new for me.

You know, I just want him to have friends.

You know, like a couple girls, and a couple boys.

He'’s gonna be fine.

In the meantime, Ihave made some friends

who have welcomed me into the secret world of women.

I am this close to discovering everything about them.

What they like, what they don'’t like.

And where they don'’t like it.

We'’re supposed to be here helping Louis make friends.

Oh, please, I see how you look at Laurel.

It'’s the same way I look at a five dollar bill in a tip jar

I think I can swap out for a single.

Okay, what are you talking about?

That is Louis'’ friend'’s mom.

And, yes, we get along great.

And, yes, she'’s pretty and nice.

And, yes, she used to be a gymnast and can still

put her legs behind her head.

And she is out there.

So why am I still standing here, talking to you?

I can put my legs behind my head, but you'’ll never see it.

♪ Men.♪

He was a really nice guy, Mm-hmm.

and I liked hanging out with him,

but when we got to the bedroom,

he was just, well...

If he were a candy bar, he'’d be the fun size.

There'’s nothing fun about that.

Yeah, nothing worse than a small penis.

But, seriously, how small is too small?

Alan, you are a riot.

We should hang out with you more often.

Hey, what do you say, we all go out

this Saturday for a girls night?

You know, get a limo, go out dancing,

wear our sluttiest outfits.

Julie, you can wear what you'’re wearing now.

Uh, I'’m bad.

Should we go check on the kids?

Are you kidding?

They'’re set up with pizza, popsicles and The Lego Movie.

For the next two hours,

♪ Everything is awesome.

Yeah, I'’ve seen that movie, like, five times.

I should really watch it with Louis at some point.

I haven'’t seen a movie

that wasn'’t for a kid in forever.

The other night I actually had a sex dream

about an animated character.

Whoa...

Prince Charming?

The old guy from Up.

And, sadly, it was the only sex I'’ve had in two years.

Well, if it meant a whole night'’s sleep,

I'’d have sex with an animated Ed Asner, too.

You think you'’re tired now.

You missed the hardest years.

The-the... the picky eating, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.

Okay, to be fair, I get all of that with Alan.

You guys are a great team.Hmm.

The only thing my ex would help with

was driving the babysitter home.

She'’d have the kids in bed by 8:00

and my husband in bed by 10:00.

Oh... that'’s horrible.

Is she a good sitter? '’Cause we'’re looking.

Sorry.

Without that jerk of an ex,

I wouldn'’t have Lily,

and even at six years old, she'’s my best friend.

I hope I get there with Louis at some point.

You'’ll get there.

I hope I stay there with Lily.

I'’m afraid that by the time she'’s a teenager,

she'’ll be like, "Mom, you'’re 100!

Nobody believes I'’m your sister!"

Okay, how could anyone say that

about someone as pretty, smart and flexible as you?

[laughs]

You'’re so sweet.

You don'’t happen to know

of a single, straight version of you, do you?

I used to know one.

Are you looking for a date?

I told you, it'’s been over two years.

I need a lot more than a date.

♪ Popsicles are awesome!

Okay, I'’m gonna go check on the kids.

I'’m gonna wait here for a bit.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Men.♪

Hope you are ready to go.

The ladies just Instagrammed

a selfie from the limo.

#GirlsNightOut is on like Chaka Khan!

All right, Louis is eating his dinner.

WALDEN: Oh, great.

Hey, thank you again for watching him tonight.

And if anything comes up--

and I mean anything at all-- you call my cell.

Got it.

Oh, if he wants to play a game,

he likes Chutes and Ladders.

And if he want to watch a cartoon,

he likes Phineas and Ferb.

And who does he like in the Cardinals-Rams game tonight?

I know I'’m being a little bit crazy,

but this is the first time I'’ve left him alone.

Relax, I had five kids,

12 grandkids and four great-grandkids.

I'’ve done it all.

Except teach them about birth control.

I don'’t feel good.

Oh, no. What'’s the matter?

I just threw up.

Oh, no. Oh... yep.

He'’s got a fever.[sighs]

I'’ll bet it was that snot-nosed kid on the rock wall.

Typhoid Tyler.Yeah.

I got this.

I worked for Charlie for ten years.

I know vomit.

Cleaning it up and inducing it.

I never threw up SpaghettiOs before.

It'’s kind of fun. Oh...

[Berta laughs]

Should we go to the doctor?

Oh, no, no. I'’m sure it'’s just a tummy ache.

I'’ll text the girls and let '’em know we can'’t make it.

Oh, no. Come on. You go.

You sure?

Yeah, come on, this is what a parent does.

This is what I signed up for.

Besides, you took a half an hour

getting into those Spanx.

All right. Sorry.

Um... I'’ll send pictures.

Danielle said that if I get her drunk enough

she'’ll show me her tattoos.

Uh, she'’s got a bird on her hand and two in her...

♪ Men.♪

Walden...

I'’m sorry I got sick.

What? Come on, man.

Don'’t be sorry.

It happens.

I'’msorry you don'’t feel well.

But you were going to go out with Alan

and now you can'’t '’cause of me.

Oh, I'’m not missing anything.

You ever seen Alan dance?

All right.

Now, you get some good sleep

and I'’m gonna be right here

if you need anything.

Oh, and you know who else'’ll be here?

Your new friend, "Barfy the Bucket."

[high-pitched voice]: ♪ I'’m here for you ♪

♪ If you'’re ready to spew! ♪

[laughs]

♪ Men.♪

[doorbell rings]

Hey.

Laurel.

What are you doing here?

I bailed.

Didn'’t Alan tell you?

No, the only thing I got

was a picture of Alan twerking.

With a caption that said, "Alan got his groove back."

Well, when I heard that Louis was sick,

I thought you could use some help.

And soup.

Come on, that is so sweet.

You did not have to do this.

You look amazing. Oh, thanks.

Well, I already had the sitter, and...

first rule of parenting: Never cancel the sitter.

Well, unless she'’s banging your husband.

Too far?

No, uh, "too far"

was starting a Facebook page

called "Tiffany Jones is a Husband-Stealing Little Bitch."

Uh, do you know what Louis has?

Uh, well, I went on the Internet

and I'’ve narrowed it down to either the flu,

rickets or early-onset menopause.

Second rule of parenting:

Never consult the Internet.

[chuckles]How'’s he doing now?

Well, he'’s asleep

and he'’s doing pretty well.

Oh, good, because...

I brought this for us.

Oh...

You know, third rule of parenting:

Kids aren'’t the only ones that can drink from a bottle.

♪ Men.♪

♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night ♪

♪ And the feeling'’s right ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night, oh, what a night ♪

[deep voice]: ♪ Oh, what a night.

[whooping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, there.

I pour strong when the alcohol'’s free.

I have to cram a lot of fun

into a short amount of time.ALAN: Mmm.

Kind of like sex with Roger.

[women laughing]

What is it with guys

and their constant need for sex?

Look at Alan here. He'’s out with two women,

but I bet even he wants sex right now.

I do. I really do.

Oh, my God! Let'’s dance!

[whoops]

[both whooping]

♪

Come up here, Alan!

No, I-I'’m good down here.

Well, he'’s still asleep

and he feels cooler,

but now I'’m worried that he might have hypothermia.

Yeah.

You know, one of the hardest lessons

I'’ve had to learn as a parent is sometimes

you just gotta relax.

[laughing]: Relax?

All I do is worry.

And now that I don'’t sleep,

I have plenty of time to do it.

Is he exercising enough?

Is he eating right? Does he even want to stay here?

I mean, this is the most terrifying thing I'’ve ever done.

And-- this is scarier than when I bought the big iPhone

and I didn'’t know if it would fit in my pocket.

[laughs]

You think you'’re scared?

I have a daughter.

I worry about all the same things you do,

plus penises.

And with you,

you have to worry about animated penises.

I should have never told you that.

You should never tell anyone that.

All right, all right. What-what'’s your next date?

Shrek?

No, no, no. The-the genie from Aladdin.

Or-or maybe you'’ll have a three-way

with the Hakuna Matata guys?

Shut up.

Make me.

I could make you.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I'’m right here.

I'’m so sorry. What? Why?

You'’re married.

To a man. Oh...

That. Uh...

I should go.

No, no, no, no. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here'’s... okay, the thing about my marriage is...

I'’m not gay.

Does Alan know?

His brain knows,

but his heart may not.

Here-here-here, here'’s the thing.

Here'’s the thing: Alan is...

he'’s my best friend, okay?

And-and he married me as a favor

so it would be easier to adopt Louis.

Okay? And-and...

Well, I mean... the fact that you

married your best friend

so that you could adopt Louis is..

actually very sweet.

So...

...you'’re not mad at me?

Hakuna matata.

That'’s my philosophy.

So...

...can we kiss again? Yeah.

It'’s been so long since I'’ve kissed a man. Oh...

I wish I could say the same thing.

Julie, your boobs look great in that blouse.

I am so jealous.

Thanks to my kids,

mine went from 34B to 34 "used to be."

I like your boobs.

I don'’t know.

What do you think, Alan,

should I get '’em done?

Oh, well, I'’m no expert.

I-I think they'’re lovely.

Are you sure?

Oh, my!

You just did that.

Um, you guys, I-I think there'’s something I should tell you...

He has nothing to compare them with.

Here.

You guys are my best friends.

Aw! Aw!

Okay, okay.

I-I know you haven'’t done this in a while,

so I don'’t want to go too fast,

but do you want to go up to my...

Let'’s go.

Oh.

LOUIS [over walkie-talkie]: Walden?

Can you come here?

He didn'’t say "over," so it doesn'’t count.

Oh, go check on him. It'’s fine.

I'’ve waited for two years, I can wait a little bit longer.

Thank you.

Oh. Don'’t start without me.

Or do.

Oh, uh, by the way, if you want to stay in the mood,

we get all the cartoon channels.

♪ Men.♪

Walden?

Parenting rule number four:

Sleep is better than sex.

♪ Men.♪

This is the best night of my life.

I love you girls.

We should get matching tattoos.

I have a better idea.

Let'’s go to a strip club!

That is better!

[whooping]

♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night... ♪

This was a great idea.

That is definitely bigger than fun size.

Make it rain!

Yeah, give him some money!

Oh, this just keeps getting better.