Original subtitles

Damn.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Bugs, snakes, gators.

I hate this place.

I'm tired of this slimy crap.

Go ahead, guys. Yuk it up.

Geez, how the hell can I be so hot and cold at the same time?

Schizoid metabolism?

Good one, Mort. There's nothing like a little treasury agent humor...

to perk up the evening.

Whose idea was this anyway?

If memory serves me, I think you were the guy that said,

"I think we oughta get out of the office and out into the field."

I said that?

Well, welcome to the field.

Playtime's over, guys. We gotta find that still.

Morty, take the point.

Why me? Why does it always have to be me?

"Take the point." Where does he get this crap?

Too many John Wayne flicks.

Guys.

Guys, wait up. Guys!

Wait, guys.

Slow down.

Guys, wait up.

Something tells me we're not going to findthat still around here.

I told you we took a wrong turn at that last bog.

Will you can it, Dugan? I thought for sure we were headed in the right direction.

Yeah, you thought.

You're stupid. If you could think, we wouldn't be here.

- Will you cool it, Chuck? - No.

Why couldn't we get those moonshiners during the day, huh?

Because at night we've got the element of surprise.

Surprise? We've got to find 'em to surprise 'em.

- Gentlemen. Gentlemen! - Are you crazy?

If you want to kick the crap out of each other, fine.

But let's do it back at the office.

Suits me.

All right then, let's find the truck.

Great.

- You comin', Mort? - In a minute.

Do you mind?

What the...

Aaah!

Morty?

Mort?

Mort!

Mort, this isn't funny. Morty?

Hey, what's going on? What's all the yelling?

Morty's gone. What do you mean, gone?

I mean gone. One minute he was taking a whiz by the tree,

and the next second, zip.

Nothing. History. Okay, okay.

Hey, he-he's around here someplace.

We'll find him. Everybody fan out.

Morty?

Mort?

Morty?

Morty.

Hey, guys.

I don't think he can hear us anymore.

Hey, we... we better... I mean, we gotta get back to the truck.

Hey, listen, buddy, we're not leaving here without Morty. You got that?

Shoot that thing.

I'm for getting the hell out of here.

You and me both.

Hey, fellas.

You're going the wrong way. You're wrong.

Hey, fellas. The truck's this way.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

Hurry up. Come on!

Boy, are we glad to see you guys.

Hey, look. We're government agents. You... You can't...

Whoa.

Please, let me find them.

Please, let me find them.

Oh, no.

Oh, no! Please, God! No!

Thank you.

If you hadn't come along, I...

Hey, just where did you come from?

The bog.

You don't have a still around here, do you?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is, you saved my life.

Thank you.

My name's Dugan.

Harry Dugan.

They call me Swamp Thing.

♪♪

♪ Now, when I was just a little boy ♪

♪ Standin' to my daddy's knee ♪

♪ My papa said, Son, don't let the man get you ♪

♪ And do what he done to me

♪ 'Cause he'll get you

♪ 'Cause he'll get you now, now ♪

♪ And I can remember the Fourth of July ♪

♪ Runnin' through the backwoods bare ♪

♪ And I can still hear my old hound dog barkin' ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou Lord, Lord ♪

♪ I wish I was back on the bayou ♪

♪ Rolling with some Cajun queen ♪

♪ Wishin' I were a fast freight train ♪

♪ A-just a-chooglin' on down to New Orleans ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ All right

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ Mmm, oh, yeah ♪

♪♪

Morning, guys. Sorry I'm late.

I just came from that new transcendental therapy place over in Malibu.

I can't believe it. They didn't even validate.

Thirsty, babies?

Anyway, this weird guy in some reject Star Trek costume...

tells that me none of my relationships will ever work...

till I confront my feelings about my stepfather.

I mean, what's going on here, a conspiracy?

That's the fourth shrink who's told me that in four years.

Of course if they knew who I was talking to, I'd really be committed.

Why can't men be more like plants?

I mean, you can stroke a plant, and it doesn't get the wrong idea.

Okay. Okay, you're right. I'll do it.

I'm not even gonna call. I'm just gonna go down there and confront him.

I mean, why should he mess up my life?

He sure didn't care about my mother.

He didn't even give her a funeral.

Or if he did, he didn't invite me.

Eunice?

I've gotta go straighten out my life.

I know you don't know what I'm talking about.

But there's something I've gotta take care of,

and I can't do it by vegetating here in this store.

Sorry about that. No, now don't try to talk me out of it.

Now, I'm leaving you in full charge of my friends here.

Keep them watered, talk to them... and read to them.

Especially the sports section.

They've really got a thing for the Lakers.

And leave the TV on at all times.

They love that guy on T.J. what's-his-name. Okay?

Okay. Bye, babies.

Dr. Arcane. Calling Dr. Arcane.

Shut up.

So?

The two new patients are recovering from the operation.

Dr. Rochelle has high hopes.

The others... Yes, what about them?

See for yourself.

The gene splicing has gone extremely well.

We're very close on hitting on the right D.N.A. combination.

I somehow sense that's an unfinished sentence. So finish it, please.

Some of the rejected specimens have mutated quite startlingly.

I'm quite aware of the mistakes, Lana.

The mistakes here, and the ones that got away into the swamp.

What I'm interested in is results.

How's Rochelle doing with the new ones? Over here.

Well?

I'm afraid the genetic serum worked in reverse again on this one.

Perhaps the tranquilizer darts your men use daffected the blood.

Dr. Rochelle, you've been at this for months. No significant developments.

Only a zoo full of misshapen monstrosities,

a cemetery's worth of corpses...

and no rejuvenation formula.

But we will get it.

When? Soon.

- Won't we, Doctor? - Yes. Quite soon, Dr. Arcane.

And what's that?

Another disappointment.

I tried mingling his genes with a phylus usu species.

- The what? - Cockroach.

We have enough insects in this place, Doctor.

Destroy it before it multiplies. Come.

One more afternoon like this, Dr. Rochelle,

and it's back to Betty Ford.

Please, Doctor, there's no more need for the clinic.

No, not the clinic, stupid.

He'll turn you into Betty Ford.

Funny.

Very funny.

Well, anyhow, that's the long and the short of it, Doc.

This fella come running out of the swamp, heading straight...

for the Squat and Gobble restaurant.

Damn near scared old Jasper Kincaid to death.

You know Jasper Kincaid. He cooks there.

Uh, no, I don't. I-I never go there.

Well, you missed some damn good grub.

But I'm digressin'. This fella... Dugan his name was...

He spins this wild yarn about comin' out here to your property...

and runnin' across this giant leech thing.

Said he lost two of his buddies. Sucked 'em dry right there on the spot.

On the spot, you say.

Well, that's what he says anyway.

Says he himself was, uh, saved from the jaws of death...

by this great big old green man from Mars.

A man from Mars?

Yeah. It's a planet, you know. You don't say?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Ah, thank you, sweet thing.

You know, Doc, you got yourself a regular Playboy Mansion out here, don't you?

Dr. Zurrell is a highly trained scientist.

She's one of the world's leading specialists...

in the construction of human genes.

Well, I tell you what, Doc. If you give her any homework,

she can get in my jeans anytime she wants to.

It's beautiful. What do they call it?

It's a Malibu Classic.

My cousin Beamo just rebuilt the carburetor.

He do a little part-time preaching too...

down atthe Baptist Tabernacle and Rib Shack.

Looks like we're in the middle of nowhere.

Are you sure we're going the right way?

Ain't but two ways you can go. This way and back.

And we ain't been this way. And we ain't going back.

So I guess we're going the right way. That make sense to you?

Tell me, was there any evidence of swamp mud found on this man?

- Why, he's covered with it. - I'll tell you what happened.

These men probably lost their way,

fell into the bog and all died.

Except for Dugan. Now, you know, Doc, that makes sense.

I probably oughta be thanking you.

You done saved me a couple of thousand hours of investigation.

Now, I've still gotta perform a search of the property. You understand that?

Of course. Of course.

And Mr. Gunn here will show you around.

Doc, if you don't mind, I'd prefer one of these pretty young ladies.

Sheriff, I agree with you.

This young lady here will show you around.

Oh, thank you, Doc. Good-bye.

The man from Mars is Holland. He's alive in the swamp.

That's not possible. My men have combed every inch of that swamp.

Well, uh, comb it again. And remember, you're not looking for a human being.

You're looking for a plant.

Maybe he married an avocado.

Uh, yes, yes, and, uh, moved to California.

Find out.

You want to check that address I gave you again?

Yep. That... That's the right address.

It's the Arcane mansion. Arcane?

What's a lady like you doing going out to a godforsaken place like that?

Dr. Arcane is my stepfather.

Huh. What do they do out there anyway?

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Yeah, I bet.

Does the name Frankenstein mean anything to you, lady?

All the way out here for $30. My God.

- Oh, uh, excuse me, Doctor. - Yes?

There's a cab at the gate with a woman in it. She claims to be your stepdaughter.

Good God. Abigail.

She looks like her mother. She looks exactly like her mother.

Doctor, I've just been hit by an idea.

Should Abigail have the same genetic code as her mother,

we could be in business, couldn't we?

- Yes, we could. - Have a blood sample taken from her.

- How do we do that? - You'll find a way.

Lana, I want you to make sure...

that Abigail is taken care of beautifully.

She must be considered as our prized possession.

Let's go and greet her.

Well, this is going to be good.

Abigail, what a wonderful surprise.

My God, how you've grown. You look marvelous.

How ya' doin'? I'm doing fine.

Nice place.

Yes. It's a remarkable example of antebellum architecture.

Don't you think? Please, let's go in. They'll bring your bags.

Let me introduce you to some of my collaborators.

This is Lana Zurrell... Dr. Zurrell.

My right hand.

My stepdaughter, Abigail.

Hello.

And this is Dr. Rochelle.

An extreme pleasure.

Brilliant man. Does wonders with genetics.

Your stepfather and I hope to be able to reverse the aging process.

Uh, yes. Reverse it completely.

Now, Abigail, this is your home.

I want you to be comfortable, cozy and happy.

Get yourself settled, and we'll have dinner together tonight.

Hmm? Of course.

Lana will show you to your room.

Come along, dear.

She looks great.

Your room is up here.

I'm sure it's very pretty.

Just like everything my stepfather owns.

Your stepfather has excellent taste.

Seems like a strange man to me.

Dr. Arcane is a great man. He's a genius.

Sometimes you have to indulge greatness.

Is that your job here? To indulge him?

My job is to assist your stepfather in any way I can.

He's an exacting man,

as I'm sure you'll see,

and one who demands obedience from those around him.

Why is it I think you enjoy that?

We have a unique relationship.

I'll bet you do.

You are a rude girl.

You come in here, disrupting the doctor'simportant work.

Important work?

Dr. Arcane and I are working on a large humanitarian project.

Well, you can call my stepfather many things. But humanitarian?

You don't know him like I do.

Will you be staying long?

What's it to you?

Well, I suggest if you have any further questions,

you just ask the doctor.

Right.

Hmm. Very pretty.

Something wrong?

I don't see anything wrong.

Well, I'm delighted.

In fact, I like what I see very much,

and what I don't see, even more.

You're not showing any signs yet, are you?

Different texture maybe.

We'll find a way to reverse the aging.

I won't let anything happen to you, my darling.

Lana.

Lana.

Just stay vital, my darling.

Mmm.

Hey, Omie, it's me. Let me in. It's pouring out here.

Well, ain't you gonna let me in?

Open the stupid door.

Looks kind of wet out there.

Damn straight it is. Now open the stupid door and let me in.

What's the password?

Password? What do you mean, password?

We never had a password.

Got one now.

You want a password? I'll give you a password.

Oh, I'm so scared.

All right, you. Here I come.

Hey, that's the password.

Whoa! Help! Get me out of here.

You jerk.

So you got a little wet. Big deal.

Thought you said nothing mattered.

Nothing does. Your folks gone?

Left 10 minutes ago. They're not coming right back?

Hey, man, it is bingo night. They'll be gone for hours.

- Then you got 'em? - Do I got 'em?

- Well, let's see 'em. - Be cool, bro. Be cool.

What are you drinking? Nothing yet. Got any hard stuff?

♪♪

There you have it.

1988... the year in pictures. Dig in.

Wow, I can't believe it!

Look at these babes!

Check out the one in the June issue of the Big and Busty.

She's one of the old man's favorites.

My God. She's a Scorpio.

Hey, great. I'm an Aries. They get along great!

My man, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

My parents! It's my parents!

- What'll we do? What'll we do? - Put 'em away. Get 'em away.

Where? Where?

Anywhere! Anywhere. Just make 'em gone. Right away.

Right away.

I thought you said they were playing bingo!

Be right there, Mom.

Take a chill pill, man. You look guilty as hell.

Just a sec.

Don't be nervous, okay? Okay.

Aaah!

How we gonna get out of here? The window's locked.

Hey! That's my dad'sbowling ball!

Come on. I'm coming.

Hurry up! I'm hurrying.

Man, it's monster central around here tonight.

They better not hit my mom's new station wagon.

Damn!

Some insurance man's gonna mess his pants!

Man, what a great fire!

Shut up. They got my mom's car too.

Wow.

Yeah! I think that green dude's good.

Holland.

He's in the area.

Find him, and bring him here.

You got it, Doc.

Formally dressed for dinner. How fun.

Yes, indeed. After all these years,

I never thought I would ever see you again.

Perhaps this visit will bring us close. Very close.

Excuse me, Dr. Arcane, but we haven't found anything yet.

Oh, it doesn't matter. What's going on?

Uh, nothing. A group of hitchhikers have lost their way.

Oh, I don't believe you two have met.

Abigail, this is Mr. Gunn, our security chief.

And his assistant, Miss Poinsettia.

Enchantí.

On parole is more like it.

Now, come on. Come on.

Now, Abigail, tell me about yourself.

What have you been doing these last 10 years?

Gee, that's funny.

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

I'll be blunt.

Why this unexpected visit?

I seem to be haunted by things I can't resolve.

About you. About my mother. Her death.

Why was there no funeral?

She wanted to be cremated without ceremony.

My mother loved me. I was her only child.

I know she would have wanted me there.

Abigail, I loved your mother very deeply.

I didn't contact you because...

it was always very clear that you didn't approve of my marriage to her.

Abigail, why don't we put all this behind us.

I want us to be friends.

Good friends.

Lana, are you there? Yes.

There's a small box in the desk in my bedroom.

Would you bring it down to the study, please? Thank you.

Is this your way of buying me off?

Buy off? What an ugly expression.

It's something very precious, and I want you to have it.

- It's beautiful. - It belonged to your mother.

What the...

Ow! Oh, my God. It's sharp.

Ow. Ooh, ooh.

Let me dab it. Let me dab it. Dr. Rochelle...

We will have him look at the cut. No, it's fine.

Oh, look, it's not even bleeding. See, I don't even need a Band-Aid.

Just a little fresh air. Excuse me.

You sure?

Now we've got the blood we need.

Brilliant. My name is Gigi. My name is Gigi.

Uh, we know. We know.

This doesn't make sense.

What is a five-letter word for an armed security man?

Moron.

A moron? No, it can't be moron.

Moron... No.

Excuse me, Miss Arcane.

The swamp is a very dangerous place at night.

So is the dining room. I'll take my chances.

Like mother, like daughter?

What do you know about my mother?

How much you want to know?

Should we go after her? What do you mean, "should"? Of course you do.

Discreetly.

Ooh-wee!

Great batch of shine, huh, Gurdell?

Whoo! Best this month, Clyde.

What are we gonna do for fun tonight?

- Feel like stealin' a car? - Nah.

- How 'bout we burn down a house? - Nah.

Well, why don't we drive over to Uncle Shed's and run over some dogs?

I'm sick of running over dogs.

Besides, that place is spooked.

What do you feel like doing then, Gurdell?

My brain's tired of coming up with all these ideas.

I feel like... I feel like killing something.

You always feel like killing something.

Maybe I'll kill you. I'll kill you back with my dying breath.

Your breath's so bad, you just might do that.

Aw, shut up, Gurdell! It's time we went to town and got us a woman.

I forgot what one looked like.

Do you remember what they looked like, Clyde?

No, I haven't even seen a sheep around here lately.

Excuse me.

Who says there ain't no God?

Goddang moonshine!

You guys wouldn't happen to know the way back to the Arcane place, would you?

You talk funny. Where you from?

- California. - I hate California!

I'll move. No problem.

Does anybody know you're back here?

FBI, Charles Bronson, Chicago Bears.

You're real pretty.

- All makeup. - She's from California.

I like her. I hate her.

You ready? I'm like lunch meat. I'm always ready.

Let's get her. Ow!

Stop it!

You're hurting me!

Help me, someone!

Peel him, Gurdell. Peel him!

This guy's coleslaw.

Let's get out of here. I'm with you.

Um, thanks.

You're... You're a plant, aren't you?

You shouldn't be walking around here at night.

Who are you? What are you?

I'm Alec Holland. And you?

- Abby Arcane. - Arcane?

- His daughter? - Stepdaughter. You know him?

I know him.

That sounds likean indictment.

Did those men hurt you?

I'm sorry. Uh, sometimes I forget what I look like.

You gotta be kidding.

This is for real?

I don't understand. How can that be?

If I tell you about Arcane, you'll understand.

- Please. - Okay.

My experiments in genetics brought me here to the swamp.

My sister and I had developed a bio-restorative formula...

that could double the world's food production.

Arcane stole the serum,

and I was caught in a terrible explosion and fire.

The flames consumed by body.

But somehow the chemicals in the formula...

reconstructed my tissue from the slime in the swamp.

Your stepfather found me, and I killed him.

Or so I thought.

Abby, Arcane is a very evil man.

You must leave immediately.

I can't.

He knows about my mother.

I've gotta find out what happened to her.

What really happened to her.

If I can't talk you out of this,

I want you to know,

I'll be close by.

Bye, Alec.

Sir, they've just spotted Swamp Thing out by the marsh.

Turn him into guacamole!

Launch the grenade!

Yeah!

Let's go. Let's clear out, man.

Send a search team into the marsh immediately.

Yes, sir.

And tell them not to come back without Holland's remains.

We need a piece of the idiot for the experiment.

Well, sure, Doc. But, uh, why the bother?

I mean, after that blasting, he's not gonna be sliming up the works no more.

I'd rather be pessimistic. Just in case.

Where do you think you're taking me?

I don't have to go anywhere with you.

Keep moving. Get your mitts off me.

Just keep your hands off the merchandise.

Oh, great! And this must be the playroom.

I don't think any crazed scientist should be without one.

You know, Alec Holland may have looked like a monster,

but he had the mind and the feelings of a man.

You didn't have to hunt him down like a monster. Temper, temper.

We did have to. Your stepfather was almost dead...

when Dr. Zurrell and I found him in the bog.

Over a period of months, we were able to restore him to his present form.

Unfortunately, we still need a sample of Holland's tissue...

for the locking serum we're gonna make.

Without the proper ingredients for the formula,

your stepfather's body will eventually deteriorate.

Huh. Like his mind.

Abigail, keep cool. I just have one question to ask you.

How did my mother fit into all this?

Your mother worked with us.

And her death was the unfortunate side effect of our mutual experiments.

Her genetic code was perfect. Just like yours, by the way.

- You're mad! - I never felt saner.

Take good care of my stepdaughter, please.

Whatever you say, Doc.

My darling, you know we're doing everything we can.

Well, not enough, obviously.

But we're so close. Now that we have your daughter, it's a matter of days.

I'm afraid it's a little more complicated than that.

I don't mean any harm to Abby.

And yet...

You always seem amused.

Even when the consequences are most deadly.

Laughter is best, isn't it?

- What is it? - I'm sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but it's urgent.

Coming.

Put this on.

Come in.

Good evening, Doctor. Please forgive the intrusion, but I must speak with you.

It's very important. Go ahead.

Um...

My apologies, Dr. Zurrell,

but this is a rather private matter.

Well, if it concerns our research,

then it most certainly is not a private matter.

Lana, you were going to take a bath, weren't you? So take your bath now.

If we don't act within the next 72 hours,

the deterioration may become permanently irreversible.

This antigen you've discovered in Abigail's blood...

could possibly provoke a fatal immune reaction.

I'm afraid so.

Unless we can obtain a counteragent...

from a subject with a compatible blood type.

And genetically splice the two.

Exactly.

The process would doubtless be fatal to the donors,

and there are only two people on staff with the correct blood type...

The security man, Conklin,

and, uh, Dr. Zurrell.

Do whatever is necessary. Anything else?

- May I ask you a rather can did question? - Go ahead.

Have you given any thought to that salary increase we talked about?

Are you comfy?

Yeah, well, I love you too, baby.

You know, I... I bet you it kind of reminds you of L.A. in there...

with all that slime and crap.

You're never gonna guess who the last tenant was.

You?

You know, I really love city girls.

They got some kind of, uh, sense of humor about 'em.

How'd you like out of there for a while, city girl?

I don't know. Company's better in here.

That's the wrong answer!

You don't get it, do you?

I'm trying to be nice to you.

My mistake.

Look, you want nice? I can give you nice.

Just kind of tough from behind bars.

Do whatever is necessary.

Do whatever is necessary.

Do whatever is necessary.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What is this?

Cute, ain't he?

Now, that's just one of Arcane's experiments.

You know what? Why don't you, uh, put your hand in?

And I thought you were up for some fun.

Well, fun's fun, but how about showing me something else?

Oh.

You want to see something else.

Ah.

I'm gonna show you something else.

Hey, come on.

Come on, baby.

It's time to play doctor.

Bet you can't guess my favorite operation.

- What's that, baby? - A vasectomy.

I'm gonna kill you!

You're gonna be sorry!

Like that, baby? Huh?

Huh? I said did you like that?

Did you like that, baby?

Ten years of training in Okinawa.

Like that?

Two-day vacation in East L.A.

Where you going? No! Don't leave me!

We're just starting!

Hurry up. Come on.

Here.

Take it.

Parked right outside.

Thanks.

That's far enough, Miss Arcane.

I figure we better go see your stepfather. Don't you think?

Sure. As a matter of fact, I was just on my way up there.

Oh, except I forgot one little thing in the car. You wouldn't mind if I went...

No, I didn't think you were going to go for that one.

You know what? When all of this is over, I really hope we can remain friends.

Because believe it or not, I have really taken a liking to you two.

No, really, I have.

You...

Alec, how did you get here?

Oh, you might say I was piped in.

Now, come on. It's not gonna be easy running that gauntlet out there.

- Hey, why run? We got wheels. - What?

Damn, I just love it when guys peel out.

Activate the minefield!

Not bad.

The beauty and the beast have fled.

Our two most prized possessions.

Oh, gross.

Hold it.

Give me your knife.

Looks like Holland's left us a calling card, huh, Doc?

Indeed he has.

Hey, Omie, why didn't you want me to tell those TV men about the monster?

- 'Cause. - 'Cause why?

'Cause we're gonna get a picture of it first.

Picture? How on earth are we ever gonna get a picture?

Remember the camera your dad bought when you were the sugar plum in the Christmas play?

No, no, no, no.

Not my dad's camera.

You wouldn't.

- Good morning. - Morning.

I slept like a baby.

Where are we?

My place. Sorry it's so messy.

Is there a Mrs. Swamp Thing?

- No. I'm a bachelor. - So what do you do? Order in?

It's been a long time since I've laughed.

Well, I seem to have that effect on most of my boyfriends.

Me? Your boyfriend?

Why not?

You said it yourself. I'm a plant.

That's okay. I'm a vegetarian.

Please don't.

This will never work, Abby.

When I look at you, you know what I see?

I see the soul of a beautiful human being.

But I can't give you the kind of love you want.

Would you like to?

What do we do?

Was it real?

As real as you want it to be.

Bad news, sir.

We found the vehicle, but there was no sign of Swamp Thing or your stepdaughter.

Well, I'll tell you the bad news.

If you don't find Abigail and Holland,

there'll be no sign of you either.

So think fast, and don't come back until you've found both of them.

- Go! - Yes, sir!

Gigi.

Am I a fool without a mind?

Or have I merely been too blind to realize that I'm dealing with two idiots?

Yes, sir.

She'd look great with fins.

And maybe flippers.

Yes. Definitely flippers.

Doing a little homework, are we, Doctor?

Yes, yes, um, always thinking of the next experiment.

You're working far too hard.

Well, excellence is the...

Is that one of our security men?

Yes. Yes, it is.

An emergency transfusion for Dr. Arcane.

I have something very special in mind for Mr. Conklin there.

I've even prepared a special cage for him.

- Really? - Yes.

Believe me, it exceeds anything we've attempted thus far.

I've developed a Pyridoxine hydrochloric emulsion...

that, when combined with a human pituitary extract,

will produce a nearly spontaneous super-developed mutation.

Yes, but aren't you risking cranial hypertrophy?

Nothing wrong with that.

Mmm. After you.

Now, you'll notice on the inside here, up at the top, I've, uh...

I've put some additional support in there.

Hey, hey! What are you doing?

Ow! That hurt.

Omie.

Omie?

Omie, we gotta stop.

Omie, I gotta stop.

You ain't hungry again, are ya?

Five minutes. Five minutes. That's all I ask.

Last five minutes turned into a half an hour.

We gotta move. We've been moving all day.

Well, we ain't gonna make no $10,000 while you sit around feeding your face.

How do you know The National Spectator...

is gonna pay 10 bills for any stupid picture?

Hell, man, I saw where they paid a dude from Spokane two times that...

for a picture of Bigfoot.

Yeah, but Bigfoot's more famous than this guy.

Just come on, okay?

Good grief, I could be home watching cable.

Oops.

Once this was a huge plantation worked by hundreds of slaves.

Some people say their unhappy ghosts still walk here.

I can't imagine anyone being unhappy in a beautiful place like this.

For a long time,

I've felt that I would always be unhappy here.

Give me one of them Ho Ho's before you eat 'em all up.

Out of Ho Ho's. Twinkies?

Nope.

- Snowballs? - Nope.

- Ding Dongs? - Sorry.

- Pudding pies? - Uh-uh.

What have we got left?

Got two apples.

Apples? Oh, man.

Hey, butt-head. That's my dad's camera.

What about my dad's bowling ball?

That was different.

Oh, yeah? Well, what was so different about it?

I don't know. It's just different.

What was that?

- I don't know. - Neither do I.

- What do you think it was? - I don't know.

Neither do I.

Better check it out.

I take the pictures, so you check it out.

I'm not checking it out.

What's the matter? You chicken or something?

Well, I...

Just check it out. Check it out. Go on.

Are you sure it's safe?

You never feel safe about anything. Will you just go?

What if somebody gets me?

Don't worry. I assure you, nobody wants you.

Now go on.

My mother wants me.

Go.

You jerk. There's no one...

Here.

Oh. I haven't been given a flower since my senior prom.

It was wilted.

Help!

Sounds like children.

Wait here.

Help! You don't own this swamp!

Let go of me, you big gorilla!

Help! Help!

Let me go.

Hey, that's a pretty good apple, kid.

What else you got?

Oh, yeah, man.

It's a good camera. It's expensive too.

You can have it.

No, they can't. It's my dad's.

Now, son,

this was your dad's.

But now it's mine.

So that means you'll let us go. Right?

Wrong.

Right.

What?

Get the camera!

Wow! Swamp Thing's kicking some butt!

Wow.

Come on!

I believe this is yours.

Hey, big guy. Mind if we take your picture?

It's just for a... science project.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

All right, but only if your friend there stands next to me.

Sure. No problem. Get over there.

Go on. Go.

Me? Yeah, you.

Go on. Get over there. Now.

$10,000.

Okay. Smile.

Uh, you'll need to remove that lens cap.

Oh, yeah. That's why it was so dark. Okey dokey.

Alec?

Alec?

Hey! Green guy!

Where you going?

Abby?

Come back here. This is $10,000 for me! Please!

Abby.

We should definitely expect company.

And we will receive them with our customary hospitality.

Exactly.

You must have had a very hectic day.

It wasn't my fault.

We've set up sensors all around the property.

If anything breaks through those beams, we're gonna know about it.

Good. Have you located Dr. Rochelle yet?

According to security he's still on the property.

But no one's seen him yet.

We need him for the operation.

Don't worry, darling. I'm fully capable of carrying on without the doctor.

Of course you are. Naturally.

Begin the preparations. I'll join you in a moment.

Certainly.

Find Rochelle.

10-4, Doc.

We're not going to find Rochelle here.

Well, let's find him on the TV. How do you work these gizmos?

Gunn, your ignorance is only exceeded by your incompetence.

Well, thanks, Points. And I always thought you hated me.

I don't hate you. I despise you.

How can you say that?

I've always been what you'd call a likable guy...

when I'm not blowing somebody away.

You're supposed to be the head of security around here, right?

Right. Yeah.

Well, great. Let's recap.

- Where's Swamp Thing? - I don't know.

Where's Arcane's stepdaughter?

Is she missing again?

Where's Dr. Rochelle?

I don't know. Where?

I rest my case.

Help me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

There's nothing I can do. There's simply no escape.

He killed my mother, didn't he?

No. Rochelle did.

I-It was a mistake.

Your mother was to supply the genetic code...

that your stepfather needed to cheat death.

Did he hate her that much?

No. To the contrary. He worshipped her.

So much so that I couldn't get close enough to him because...

Because he couldn't let go of her memory.

Alec will never come after me.

If I'm a judge of character, he will.

You two get along extremely well. It's a good thing.

Soon you'll be very close to each other. Very close indeed.

Let me explain. Genes. The fundamentals.

Yours, Holland's, coupled.

And man's oldest dream may come true.

Immortality.

Oh! You're sick!

What did you do? Sell your soul to the devil?

Let's just say he has a lease with an option to buy.

Hey, hey, no, wait a second.

I got my people out there tracking 'em down right now.

They're gonna find 'em, I'm gonna finish 'em.

No, Gunn, you're the one who's finished.

By tomorrow, I'll have your job.

No way, Points.

You try to take my job, all you're gonna get is a scar from there to there.

You don't scare me.

The guy that did this to me? I got his job too.

That's a nasty scar.

But that's nothing compared to this.

Grenada. 1983. Friendly fire.

That's bush compared to this.

Falkland Islands, 1982. Shrapnel.

Nicaragua. Spring break, '86.

Beirut. Summer vacation, '87.

Cindy, 1967.

Haight-Ashbury, the summer of love.

Motley Crue tour, 1988.

That kinda turns me on.

Excuse me!

Doesn't anybody knock around here?

Knock-knock.

Lana, put the Holland specimen in the receptor.

Holland's on his way, sir.

Stop him.

Why don't you use those? They're a by-product of Agent Orange.

Beggin' your pardon, Doc.

This stuff is for nancy boys.

Besides...

I got my own toys.

Think about what you're doing.

I am.

You're about to experience a unique feeling.

You're going to be part of what gives life.

- To you. - To me.

It's for a good cause.

Psst!

Hey, buddy. Got a light?

This is too easy.

Good.

Good!

Energy.

Energy.

Increase the dosage.

Increase the dosage!

How beautiful.

Dosage up by 2 cc's.

Temperature holding at 98.2.

Heartbeat at 98.

Patience. Patience!

I got you now, Mr. Potato Head!

I like it.

I like it very much.

Not bad.

Enormous improvement.

I... I feel 25.

Not bad at all.

What's that?

311.

459.

You switched the vials.

You switched the vials.

Lana, I'm not mad.

I don't want to get even.

Your life, Abby's life, my life...

It's not important.

Our work is all-important.

And you betrayed it.

Hmm?

Lana, you betrayed it.

Lana.

Laughter is best, isn't it?

God will pardon me.

That's his job.

Your attention, please.

Disintegrator on overload.

Self-destruct in three minutes.

Abby.

Two minutes till self-destruct.

What's new, Jolly Green Giant?

Time for a little mixed vegetable plate, huh?

Too bad, spinach man.

You'll never get to know her like me and the boys.

Oh, shit, man.

One minute till self-destruct.

Thirty seconds till self-destruct.

Alec.

You brought me back, didn't you?

I couldn't lose you.

How do you feel?

As good as new.

Got it.

Come on. Let's get out of here. Just one more.

Come on. They're kissin' and stuff.

Besides, the Fotomat opens in 10 minutes.

I'm gonna get me a Corvette.

What about me?

Get your own Corvette. Come on.

You know, Abby, there may be side effects.

Like what?

I don't know yet.

Well, we'll just have to discover them together.

Or are you firmly attached to this swinging bachelor lifestyle?

Not necessarily.

What do you mean, you didn't put film in the camera?

Me? You're the photographer.

Yeah, but it's your camera.

Who said I had to load it?

- I did! - Did not.

Did too. You probably had a Twinkie in your ear or somethin'.

- Shut up, Omie. - No, you shut up.

- You shut up! - You wanna make somethin' of it?

Yeah!

It'll be two hits... I hit you and you hit the floor.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on. I really don't care.

'Cause you never were my friend as is.

♪ Now, when I was just a little boy ♪

♪ Standin' to my daddy's knee ♪

♪ My papa said, Son, don't let the man get you ♪

♪ And do what he done to me

♪ 'Cause he'll get you

♪ 'Cause he'll get you now, now ♪

♪ And I can remember the Fourth of July ♪

♪ Runnin' through the backwoods bare ♪

♪ And I can still hear my ol' hound dog barkin' ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Lord, Lord

♪♪

♪ I wish I was back on the bayou ♪

♪ Rollin' with some Cajun queen ♪

♪ Wishin' I were a fast freight train ♪

♪ A-just a-chooglin' on down to New Orleans ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ Oh, get back, man

♪ I can remember the Fourth of July ♪

♪ Runnin' through the backwoods bare ♪

♪ I can still hear my old hound dog barkin' ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Chasin' down a hoodoo there ♪

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Born on the bayou

♪ All right, go

♪ Do it, do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ Mmm, all right ♪