Original subtitles

What is it?

Anybody?

A sport?

Sport. Can you be more specific?

Full content.

Okay.

Anyone else?

What else?

I mean, in the water.

Don't.

Come on, guys.

Anyone else?

What about you, in the middle?

What? Me?

Yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, no, um... We're just about working together.

Um, like, as one big family or whatever.

Joe!

What else?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, um... Communication?

Don't hug the ball.

Oh. We have communication.

We have... Very

good,

very good, very good.

Oh, so very smooth. Very good, very good.

Very good.

Thank you.

supposed to be in here for 15 minutes?

Um, only... 10 minutes.

All right, there you have it.

You're breathing pretty good, huh? Yeah. Not too bad?

No, yeah, yeah, good.

I spoke to your mom earlier.

Hey, no cause for concern.

She's a nice lady.

I was having a chat.

She said you guys had just moved from Boston.

Yeah. Yeah. It was a big move.

It was pretty exciting.

It was scary.

You know, I remember I moved to San Diego when I was 10.

And that was like stepping onto another planet, you know?

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm your coach, but I'm also here if you

wanted to, you know, talk.

I know this whole thing could be a little daunting, you know.

Okay? Thank you. Go.

All right, now I'm going to fill in this stupid form.

My goals by the end of the summer are to blank, blank, and blank.

Excuse me. Sorry.

I've

got

one. Would you rather your food always be hot and you never get used to it,

always hot, or have no knees?

Food has no knees. No knees?

These knees, they're gone. You don't have knees.

No knees. Uh, wait, so... I don't have no knees. Hot, like, spicy... The food

already has no knees.

No, just... Um... Hey, would you guys rather... A, every time you have an

orgasm, the song All Star by Smash Mouth plays, or B, every time the song All

Star by Smash Mouth plays, you guys have an orgasm?

B. Yo, fuck Smash Mouth. How does it play in the A situation?

I like the small, but, like... decently powerful boombox that just magically

appears when you orgasm. So wait,

does the entire song play, or can you make it soft?

The entire song.

Still A.

What'd you just say?

What?

You said, can you make it soft?

What?

No.

What'd you just say, then?

Nothing. Make it stop. No, he didn't. Yes, he did.

He didn't.

What?

Say stop.

What? No, why?

You can't say it. Yo, who can't say stop?

Yes, I can.

Okay. Then say it.

Wait, wait, so guys, would you rather...

Okay, would you rather - Bro, he can't say it.

See how he doesn't want to say it? Then say it.

Say it!

Say it! Okay, okay, okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

They taste normal to me.

No parents get all the help out of coffee.

Can you say pasta?

Yeah, that's exactly the only truth for me.

Would you rather suck a dick, but you can have sex, or you don't do that,

but you can never have sex again?

No, never have sex again.

What's up? Damn, what's good?

Uh, I just, I heard your event.

What is an event?

Uh, like you were here last session?

Oh, yeah, I was.

I was supposed to just stay for first session, but my dad fucked up and paid

both, and he couldn't get a refund, so I had to stay.

He was so pissed when he realized you should have seen his face. Holy shit.

Uh, who are the others?

Vets? Me, Logan.

What's up? Matt.

You can go. What? Chickie and Eli.

Eli's a vet?

Sadly.

No, I just...

They're supposed to, like, improve or something.

Only if you try.

You have a dream.

Bye.

Uh, so what's with the whole, like, musical chairs -y thing?

What?

Uh, like at lunch? Oh,

the plague?

You guys got the plague?

It's not funny, bro. You ever heard of leprosy?

Wait, Eli's a leper?

Lepers aren't real, but similar.

There's no official prognosis, so we call it the plague.

Like, those aren't regular pimples. Those are plague pimples.

It's a plague face.

Like, I'm telling you, bro, he didn't have pimples a few weeks ago.

That's some plague shit right there.

A few days later, he gets a freaky -ass rash all over his body.

Like, why do you think he wears that shirt all the time?

You think that's a fashion statement?

Nah, bro.

That's some plague shit.

Next thing, it affects the nervous system.

Breaks down motor skills.

You bump into some things, trip over yourself, you start dropping shit.

Normal things, like eye contact.

Or the ability to hold a, like, regular conversation.

Just goes out the window.

Turns your brain into baby food.

No brain, no nothing.

So, I mean, shouldn't he... Shouldn't he, like, see a doctor?

I mean, he had. It's like herpes.

No cure for him.

So, it's like contagious?

Incredibly. But only through touch, so... If you're exposed...

Oh man, you just gotta wash yourself like that.

It's too cold for you, Soppy?

Uh, nah.

It's good. Nah, it's, um, good.

Soppy, you get no bitches.

Soppy, where are you from?

Um, Boston.

Huh?

Boston. Boston?

Like, what?

Yo, yo, that's where Eli was sitting. He's infected.

Thinking about this girl I saw earlier.

Okay. What girl?

She live in Canada?

Yo, come and get this man some lube.

Yo, tell me about her.

We all want to hear it.

Sophie!

I'm picturing her standing in the shower, washing herself.

Okay.

Suddenly she starts, like, rubbing herself,

and she tells me how, like,

wet she is.

Hardcore shit, bro. Close.

And,

um... Not gonna lie, so

did I.

Uh, sorry.

I did too.

What are

you

doing? What do you mean what am I doing? That's the pirate call, stupid.

That's not a pirate call. That is a pirate call, so tell me what that is

That's like a viking call though. What is a viking?

It's like an old village.

Now we've better... How do you do

that?

Thou shalt never know, mortal.

about the blow water game.

That separates the pros and the amateurs.

And in the Olympics, they like shave their pubes so people can't pull them

of their water.

Yep.

Yeah.

My brother says you have to have long fingernails.

You can trash guys.

So the secret is keep them smooth but kind of long.

After they've been approved, just bite them in the little points.

Is your brother like a pro?

I mean, he's only 18, but Princeton and Brown are basically a death match over

him.

I think I came.

Right, Stomp?

This guy, Charlie.

Last session.

He's the one who gave it to Eli.

Got to the point where I couldn't even hold a coherent conversation.

He had to go home early.

Is he okay now?

Last I heard he was in some mental institution.

Spends his days playing Jenga.

Don't forget to mark your calendars. The highly anticipated summer swi dance for

all camps is coming up in the main gymnasium. This year's theme is Under

Sea.

Cheers No Doritos No, she is

I Wouldn't be an evil No,

they just No, I could I could turn I could turn the

majority of sips into good people. Are you fine? Yeah, I would probably just

kill you. No, I would I would I would make sure that they all became good

It's a question.

How old?

Thirteen. Thirteen.

Twelve.

Thirteen and twelve.

Old enough.

Old enough.

Your actions are not neutral.

I mean, did any of you even once stop and think, how would I feel if that were

me? And you were called out in front of the girls and pointed at and laughed at

for something that I swear to God you got no control over.

Logan?

I guess I'd feel bad.

You guess you would feel bad.

Says the guy that lit the match.

I was just joking.

So you think it's funny?

No.

Jake? What about you? Do you think it was funny?

I mean, kind of, yeah.

Kind of, yeah.

And why? Explain to us. Why do you think it was funny?

Well, for one, his dick was hard. Let me ask you this.

Have you ever been shamed in front of a group?

Like, deeply, deeply shamed?

That's exactly what you're doing right now.

So you're, what, 13?

12. 12.

Yeah. And you're laughing at the stupidest, most juvenile, five -year

Beavis and Butthead kind of... Five -year -old George Beavis and Butthead?

have two seconds to wipe that smile off your face, or all of you, because of

Jake, are going to be doing burpees in the sun all day.

I'm not even joking.

One.

Okay Donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey. D -d -d -donkey, d -d -d -donkey. D -d -d

-d -donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey.

Donkey, donkey. Can you, like, stop doing that?

Can you, like, stop doing that?

Suck my dick, Sobby.

Suck your own dick.

That's not even possible.

Yes, it is. No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Mike Griswold does it all the time. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does.

How? What do you mean, how?

The man is double jointed.

End of story.

You a vegetarian?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, I guess I just feel bad for the animals.

Would you care if it's, like, a three -tongued, like, cow that's, like, all

gross and shit?

Yeah, would you, soppy?

I still feel bad.

You know, you can't just go around killing innocent cows just because

different.

How could you not want to bite this?

You just don't feel bad?

Like at all?

It's not as hard as three tongues.

Chill, stop. You're a spouser.

I'm not. You're not.

It's not as hard as three tongues.

You have two seconds to wipe that smile off your face!

Two! Ten seconds.

Can you be more specific?

Can you be more specific?

Yeah, I'll...

Where you going?

To the bathroom.

Yo, Eli, what's up?

Um, how long do you think we've been in here for?

Gelatin.

What? You mix it in with foundation makeup and pour it in a silicone mold.

Then you paint more detail and do the blood last.

What are you talking about?

What else?

For the trick.

Oh! Yeah. Frankly, for the blood, it's important you don't buy the sore stuff.

Either make it with corn syrup and food coloring, or save yourself some next

time you cut yourself.

You do that?

Yeah. You just put the corn syrup in a bowl and add the food coloring.

Sometimes I like to add a bit of water, just so it's not too viscous.

Uh, no, you... you cut yourself?

Tiny prick.

It's soothing, like I found that. Look.

You shouldn't do that.

Why?

Because it's bad.

Sometimes I dig my nail into my thumb to bleed.

You're not from here, right?

Um... My mom met some guy at a media summit,

Phil.

Um... And they had an affair.

And she left my dad.

I used to live in Boston.

So basically, we just, like, uprooted.

So it's been kind of weird.

Do you like your mom?

She's my mom.

Do you ever think about the fact that at some point in your life she had to give

head for the first time?

Ew, no.

Who are you?

We want it. We need it. We must have the process.

They stole it from us.

Holy shit.

What's the tricksy hobbit's field?

Open fat hobbit's head.

Would you rather fuck a dog and no one ever knows about it, or not fuck a dog

but everyone thinks you fucked a dog?

Fuck a dog?

I think?

That's evil.

Hey, uh, you talked to a doctor, right?

They gave me this cream, but I think it might be making it worse.

Um... Do you need a hand, or...?

I don't want to infect you.

What do you mean?

With the plague.

You don't actually believe in that, do you?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, you can stop.

Like,

not even a thing.

He said you gave Eli a back rub.

Yeah, I don't... That's totally untrue, so... He said he used scented oils or

something, like lavender.

You know the plague is fake, right?

Yeah.

It is done.

You forgot your goggles.

I don't have the plague.

Well, you told everyone I have the plague.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I know you did.

Provided the dots.

I can't help with others. Connect them.

The dots?

Giving Eli a back rub? It's not... It wasn't a back rub.

Okay.

How would you feel if I told everyone your mom's like a stripper?

Confused? Confused?

I feel.

Really fucking confused.

Why?

My mom is dead.

It's not funny.

I'm not joking.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Okay.

The plague is fake.

Okay. Can you please tell everyone that I'm, like, good?

I thought you said it's fake.

I mean, it is.

Right?

Maybe you don't have it.

Did you wash your hands after?

After what? The back rub.

It wasn't a back rub.

You need to help with this rash cream.

Okay.

Why are you doing this to me?

Doing what?

Telling everyone that I have to play.

Don't let what other people think decide who you are.

What is that, like a fortune cookie?

Dennis Rodman.

Well, I washed my hands twice.

That means I don't have it, right?

open anything.

Some tasty morsels.

Got fries there, hot dog.

Skittles.

Gummy bears.

Thanks.

This kid, Nixon Segali, he put laxatives in my thermos before our trip to New

York to see Les Mis.

And the bus didn't have any bathrooms, so... Yeah.

My mom had to come pick me up.

It sucks because I actually really like what I'm in.

Yeah.

Exactly.

At least me and Logan have girls.

No. You guys don't have girls.

All right, well, either you can get going. I think it's like Margaret.

Motor skills?

Gone.

What do you think?

That's actually a great question. Where the fuck is Dobby?

Maybe he's giving them some back time.

Yeah, yeah, I I was just wondering If

you could just pick me up

Hey, you know what my favorite day of high school was?

Very last day.

Hated it.

Yeah, had a nickname. It was Chubbs.

I hadn't even been overweight since middle school, but the name followed me.

then, you know, it was stuck in my head. And then, you know what?

I graduated.

And I left it all behind, and I started fresh.

See?

So, your 20s were good?

Uh, no, no. I mean, I had my heart broken, and then, you

know, I gained some more weight, 30 pounds, and then, oh, then...

I put my back out, just literally reaching for a set of keys, and the

said I was never going to, you know, recover.

But even still, yes, it was way better than my teens.

Than my 30s, better than my 20s, and now, I mean, look at me now.

Right?

40, 40.

And your teens were better than...

Like, your first decade?

Hell no.

I mean, that time is just pure bliss.

I mean, nothing better than that.

This is like the most depressing pep talk ever.

Look, just... be yourself, because...

Ben, what else are you gonna be?

You're you. It's cool.

Just be yourself, man.

workout. No, it's a cliche.

I don't know if that helps.

Anyway.

My mom didn't yell at you, right?

She is disconcerned, that's all.

You really scared her.

It's okay to cry.

Just let it out.

Let it out.

It's cool.

She just doesn't know how to, like, be a person.

Someone giving you a hard time, Ben.

Because if they are, you just got to tell me.

Because your silence is helping no one.

Especially not you.

Is it Jake?

What? No. No.

Not why.

Okay.

Listen, guys like Jake, they're just scared.

They're terrified of guys like Eli because he's different.

You want to know a secret?

We're all different.

All of us.

I haven't even thought about the guys that call me chubs until, like, right

In fact, right now, they're probably sitting on a couch. Guess what?

Super chubby.

What do you say?

Want to take me home?

I didn't agree.

Exactly. Why did you just say it?

What's in their bed?

They have this, like, big bathtub. It's like a waterfall style.

Just slide in the butt tube, pop your legs up.

Yo,

my uncle has a hot tub in the jets. They're amazing.

He gets it.

You ever been to Mongolian Grill?

It's insane, like I got some meat cleavers. It's like... How are you doing

today, ma 'am?

I've always wanted to start a restaurant.

Wait.

Maybe, instead of being seated at a booth, you're brought to your own

sauna and it's like... Good morning, folks. Welcome to Steaming Sizzle. Can I

take your order?

Open 24 -7.

Do you ever think, like, maybe the plague isn't

100 % fake?

Never mind.

That was a dumb question.

I think there's something wrong with me.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I just feel something's wrong.

Yeah, but... But that's... It's a feeling.

Right?

I get it.

It's not actually real.

Stop me.

Hey, what's up?

Talk to Daddy Wags.

Just want to say if I've been a dick or anything, you know, I'm sorry.

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have an older brother. I'm just used to being around his friends, and we just

give each other shit all the time. Yeah, I don't even know what you're talking

about.

Really?

Well, you know, I saw them talking to you, but what happened?

You know, I got the big old lecture on bullying and stuff, but... So dumb.

What is this, kindergarten?

You know, maybe Eli said something.

You think?

Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe.

I guess I'll see you later. Yeah.

Would you rather not hike for 48 hours or spend the day with money?

If you drink water

You don't know a fucking jack shit about water polo, bitch.

okay great get out come on come

on get out

huh what do you think

Hey, whoever gets a handjob first gets ten thousand.

That's the flag at the peak of its shape.

Eli. What's that?

What are you doing?

Eli, what are you doing?

Ben, I am dancing. No, Eli, you're not dancing because you have no one to dance

with. Yes, I do.

I'm dancing with Boopy.

He doesn't care about the plague.

Right, Boopy?

Hey!

Why'd you do that?

No, no, no, Rod.

You think that you can be yourself and not give a shit what anyone thinks.

But that only works when yourself is the kind of person other people want to be

around.

Eli, no one wants to be around you.

No one!

to grow the up and realize it's time to start behaving like an actual human

being or you're just gonna

You left?

It's not funny.

Thanks.

Did you?

Take me away, take me away, take me away

Get the dog to your chair.