Original subtitles

[Julie moaning]

This has a lot of views on social media.

I know.

I know. I feel betrayed, violated.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable,

and then that vulnerability was exploited.

Ugh.

I�m not angry about the orgasm.

You�re not?

No, I�m angry that she didn�t tell us

that it was a corporate tie-in for Glowee.

That goes against my journalistic integrity

and everything that I believe in.

No, the orgasm was fantastic, actually.

Really pent-up, released a lot of stuff.

I would recommend.

Oh, I didn�t mean to imply

that you should be ashamed of the orgasm.

Amanda is relentlessly trying to pimp me out

to being some sort of corporate shill!

How so?

Kris and I are supposed to go to, uh, Cast Fest today.

It�s like this really prestigious industry conference.

Amanda wants us to do a panel

that is hosted by Glowee.

Over my dead body!

I�d rather be fired!

I am not selling myself out in front of my peers.

Mm.

Pete, how do you feel about all this?

I feel like Amanda should be here

for this couples therapy session, not me.

Where are you going?

I�m gonna go buy a hot dog,

and then I�m gonna go walk around.

Pete.

[Julie moaning on video]

Sorry, my thumb hit the button,

and I-I seem to have lost the tab.

We�re gonna listen to it again?

Yes. - Yeah.

Nothing to be ashamed of here, though.

This is some great work.

[upbeat music]

? I feel it all, I feel it all ?

? Uh, uh ?

? I feel it all! ?

Hey. - Hi.

Uh, you got the two bedroom.

I got the dead guy�s apartment?

Yeah. - Oh my god, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry. I�m sorry.

Yeah, they went with your application.

The other ones, uh, seemed to have, uh,

[whispers] "gone missing".

Thank you. [laughs] - Yeah.

Uh, so, uh, so they just need first and last,

and it�s 6,400

and you have 10 days to get it in,

so I just wanted to make sure that, uh,

you are cool.

Like do you,

are you sure that you have that?

Yeah, I�m sure I have it.

It�s fine. It�s good.

It�s all good. You know what?

You round up those horses.

You put the bats in the cart, okay?

�Cause Mama�s got the kopecs.

It�s all good.

What? - Kopecs is like Russia.

It means, I have the money.

I have the money. Don�t worry about it.

You just have to worry about

signing your John Hancock

on the dotted line, okay?

Okay, but it�s actually

your signature that they need, so...

Exactly.

I�m just being dramatic. - Oh.

Like, �cause I thought that would be like

we�re in a movie, I mean, we�re not in a movie,

I just thought that was...

I can�t thank you enough.

I really don�t know what to say.

Okay.

I don�t have the money.

I don�t have the money.

I need to get money.

[bright upbeat music]

[knocking at door]

Hi. How are you?

Could I...? - Mm, come.

May I come in? I just wanna...

Um... Oh yeah, I�ll take a seat.

Oh, you�re staying?

I was gonna... [mumbles]

Yes, I am. - Okay.

That�s great. We�re all here.

That�s fine.

Ah, what a morning.

My hair look okay? It�s good?

I know, I styled it a different way, to this side.

I rode my bike in this morning.

It�s a 10-speed.

I ate an egg on the way. I called it a bike egg.

It�s very efficient. You should try it.

Or maybe not. I don�t know if you have a 10-speed.

Hey, word on the street is our podcast is killing it.

Yeah, it�s true, isn�t it? - Woo! [chuckles]

Number one international...

Woo, woo! [laughing]

[Kris]. On the Wellness charts.

I can hardly believe it.

I just wanted to ask you something.

It�s just, I had a heck of a time getting in this morning.

I had my pant leg caught in the bike chain,

so I had to put this little maroon number on.

How�d you get in? You didn�t take your bike.

You took a car, but wouldn�t eat an egg in that.

I bet you didn�t.

You can come on the bike with me one time.

I�ll put you in the back. We can both eat an egg.

You probably wouldn�t wanna do that.

Did you see the rainbow on the way in?

Can I have a raise?

You are not up for contract negotiation

for three years.

I know, I just thought because, uh-

Oh, that you might get a cut?

It doesn�t work like that.

Um...

[quietly] I�m just having a bit of a cashflow problem.

It�s no biggie. Know what? I don�t even know, it�s,

I-I actually have it figured out.

I just thought, I�ve got it all figured out.

Kris? - Yeah?

How much money do you need?

I mean, I haven�t really done the math on,

like, one, two, three, five thousand exactly.

Wish I could help. - Okay.

Oh, hold on.

Uh, totally slipped my mind.

Evan, how could you let me forget?

[soft music]

Oh.

The Glowee panel for Cast Fest that I told you about.

The one that Julie said �no� to?

No, over, over. No, other side.

Watch her head.

Yes.

But I forgot to mention that if "Small Achievable Goals"

speaks on their panel

while wearing some of their promotional swag-

We�re also getting you a rental car.

They will pay you $5,000.

Each.

I�ll do it.

You both have to do it.

[Kris]. You know, we�ll just leave Julie out of it

because I�m sort of like a one man band.

I�m kind of a banjo and harmonica,

I got drums on my knees.

Sometimes there�s a little monkey with cymbals, you know?

[Amanda] I understand. - Mmmhmm.

You�re nervous to talk to her.

It was just that if anyone could have convinced her,

it�d be you.

And I really wanted to help with your money situation...

but, uh, oh well.

I�ll talk to her.

Oh, uh, don�t forget the swag.

[quirky playful music]

Open it.

[quirky music continues]

[gasps] Oh wow.

Mo, HR-ically speaking,

if someone were to tell a lie,

accidentally, of course,

and it kind of snowballed into a work thing,

how would you,

how would you get out of it?

As Marcus Aurelius once said-

Kinda time sensitive here Mo, so if you could just-

Yeah, gotcha. Okay, what�s the lie?

Confidential. You just give me worst-case scenario.

Okay. Well, um, if the lie constitutes fraud,

then the liar could be fired.

Worst case, sued for libel.

Hey, aren�t you and the "new Chelsey" unveiling that uh,

cult show at the Cast Fest today?

Yeah, sure.

[Mo]. Oh, that�s great, yeah.

I haven�t seen Amanda this excited since she got here,

so good luck with that.

Anything else? - Nope.

Oh god, I can�t get this, ugh, come on.

Ah.

You really can�t wait to get out of here, can ya?

It�s Cast Fest, Pete.

It�s two days of industry events,

wall-to-wall meetings, autograph signings.

It�s like Las Vegas for audiophiles.

Is Ira gonna be there?

That was one martini fueled night a million years ago.

Ira Glass and I, just friends.

Mm.

Now could you please help me get this HRT patch off

�cause it�s really welded on.

Ow, okay, okay. Be gentle.

Can we please talk about the session from this morning?

Oh my god, here we go.

[stammers] It was a waste of money.

I said like three words.

You left to get a hot dog.

Can we please, please talk about this later?

I�m about to be picked up for the biggest industry event

of the year!

I know.

You talked about it for forty minutes in therapy today.

Because it is a big deal to me!

Our marriage is a big deal to me.

Ow! Mm. Okay.

Okay, will you please put this on my back

because I am running out of space on my front.

No. Do it yourself.

I�m sorry.

Ask Ira to do it.

[quirky upbeat music]

Thank you for picking me up,

but would you mind driving a little faster?

I can still feel Pete glaring at me through the window.

God Julie, this is ? exhilarating! ?

It�s way different from driving my 10-speed.

Ah, it�s a little hot in here. Do you mind turning on the AC?

Yeah, sure, certainly. I know exactly how to do that.

I�m gonna press this button. No, not that button, this one?

Can you see the button? Just that-that one there.

Press those buttons. Is it this button?

Do you feel? Do you feel anything?

[Julie groans] Feel anything?

I just wanna get to Cast Fest, you know?

[cellphone vibrating] And be with people who get me like Ira.

I cannot wait to bitch to him about Amanda.

Our audience trusts us,

and she�s gonna flush that trust down the toilet.

Hey, what�s in the box?

Oh, well it�s funny you should bring that up

because I wanted to tell you something, Julie.

In my box is my indoor shoes.

It�s my indoor shoes, and, um, a couple of turkey sandwiches,

some pliers and some folders for the booths.

Hmm.

I can�t. - What?

Nothing. I just, it�s okay.

I gotta make one stop, just one stop.

No no, we�re almost there!

Julie, it will be better for both of us.

No! - Trust me. It will be.

It�s fine.

[birds chirping]

Have you ever vomited and then wanted to eat it

�cause you felt so bad?

No, I�m not a terrier.

Okay.

Hey, Kris! - [Kris] Hey!

How you doing?

[imitates the Fonz] Eeehhh! How you doing?

Uh-oh, what�s wrong?

What do you mean, "what�s wrong"?

Well I know anytime you do the Fonz, "eeehhh!"

I assume something�s up.

[stammers] How-how are you, you doing okay?

You doing good? - I�m doing really good, yeah.

Hey, Saffron tells me that you�re moving?

You got a two bedroom, that�s awesome!

I did.

I got a, I�m getting an old two bedroom.

Just you know, it�s a lot, isn�t it?

You know, with like the movers,

and the packing and the blah, blah, blah.

And then it�s the unpacking.

And duct tape and all that, yeah.

It�s really expensive.

Yeah. - Yeah.

Do you need money?

What?

Do I? [soft chuckling]

I�m sorry, you must be talking to someone behind me.

Do I need money? I don�t need, no.

[stutters] I got a number one podcast,

so I�m just, I�m doing pretty...

good which, do you need money?

�Cause I could give you- - No. No, we�re good.

Okay.

[panting] I�m just here to give Saffron her puffer.

Saffron doesn�t have asthma.

That�s a good dad. It�s her puffer jacket.

I just didn�t say the second half of that.

I rolled it up tight.

It�s all tucked under my bra. I�m keeping it warm up in there.

So I�m just gonna go in and I�ll,

I�m gonna give it, I�m just gonna, can I?

She�s inside. She�s inside. - Okay.

Hi, you must be Amir.

I�m Julie. - Yes, Julie.

Pleasure to meet you!

You�re the Costa Ricaaaa!

You saw the video.

I did see the video.

Hey, I wanted to ask, um...

Is Kris doing okay?

Like in general or just today?

Well it�s just, I�ve noticed that she�s just not herself.

And whenever she comes over, she�s just really scattered.

Well, I mean, work�s a lot right now.

Her boss is kind of a nightmare,

she�s doing the work of four people, so...

I gave her the jacket. - Good.

You have great begonias. Okay, let�s go, Julie.

Oh, yes, we�re going.

Okay, here we go!

[quirky upbeat music]

I can�t believe we�re in this deep.

What are we gonna do?

I don�t know.

But like my Grammie Halstead, a Supreme Court Judge

used to say-

Stop lying! - Never grab-

Stop it! - Don�t go with your robes.

Quit. Stop it. - Okay.

It is not helping.

Okay, so, um, positive things about telling the truth.

We�re both ruined forever?

I guess that�s not really a pro.

It�s more of a con.

It is. Okay, but I like...

I like where you�re going, okay?

More cons.

Amanda will be mad at us,

and I can�t stand a woman who�s mad at me.

And we�d go to jail for fraud.

Okay. Jail.

Well, looks like we have a clear winner.

Okay.

Why don�t we start brainstorming some different cult names?

Let�s come up with a formula.

Okay, yeah. Exciting.

Like first pet and street name.

I think that�s your porn star name.

I would be Jos Louis Davenport.

I�ve got it.

Celestial Body and Relationship.

Okay, now we�re cooking like a cult.

Okay, um...

Saturn�s Second Cousin.

Pluto�s Stepson.

Moonbeam Bros.

Andromeda�s Nephew.

Gravity�s Guncle.

[gasps] Daughters of Nebula.

Oh my god, it�s brilliant.

Oh, Pete�s left me on read.

How long were you and Amir married?

Oh, um, like six years.

It was good.

Until it wasn�t.

Now it�s really good again.

Sometimes I miss being married.

Just like sharing everything, like half the bills,

and half the rent,

and just half the worries.

Not all marriages are split down the middle.

How�s Pete? How�s therapy going?

Oh, great.

Now all he wants to do is talk

about the things he used to repress.

And I think our therapist likes him better.

Oh, and Evan just texted to say

Amanda can�t wait to see us at the Glowee panel. [groans]

That woman will not take no for an answer.

Julie, I have to, um...

Stop.

We have to stop. Look, there�s a big corn.

It�s a big corn! We�re stopping!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We have no time for a corn maze. Kris?

Julie, we�re gonna stop, yes.

Oh. No. - It is what we�re gonna do.

That is what I am going to do, okay?

That�s what we�re gonna do.

You wanna piss off Amanda?

Maybe. - [Kris] Trust me.

Well, I know how to do that.

? We�re just gonna do it like this ?

[upbeat punk music]

? We�re just gonna do it like this ?

? We�re just gonna do it like ?

?

Yeah, hold it. Maybe lower your leg.

[upbeat punk music continues]

? We�re just gonna do it like ?

[laughs] Which one of these

do you think we should send to Amanda to really piss her off?

Oh, hold on a second. That is a really good question.

I need to think about that for a second.

Yeah? - Let me think about it.

Boop, boop. Which one, which one, which one?

You know what is really weird,

that Amanda wants us to wear these on a Glowee panel

for $5,000 each.

Are you kidding me? - No.

So you�re telling me that she wants us to wear these?

Yep.

In public? - Yes.

For $5,000?

Woo! Big money, big money, big money!

How desperate and pathetic does that woman think we are?

I mean-

I just, I really wouldn�t call us pathetic.

I think that�s going a little bit too far.

No, it is pathetic!

I can�t wait to get to Cast Fest,

and I am going to go straight up to her,

and I�m going to tell her exactly what I think of-

Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie,

Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie,

? Jules! ?

Stop.

Um, don�t you think that you�re being a little bit intense

about Glowee and sponsorship?

Because one woman�s Meno-whisky is another woman�s-

? Night to remember

? Who�s having a good time, yeah ?

? Menopause ?

Kris. - Yes?

I am not being too intense about this.

I am absolutely not.

Now...

Get me out of this costume.

Uh...

Yeah, so I...

yeah, so I can�t.

What?

Well, I was thinking about it,

and I just thought to myself, you know what?

I just don�t think, I�m not gonna [stammers]

I�m not gonna, I�m not, I�m not gonna let you out of there.

[Julie] Kris? - Yeah?

I�m not joking around.

Get me out of this costume.

It�s not that I don�t want to let you out,

it�s that I can�t.

Kris, now! [upbeat music]

Get back here! You�re being ridiculous!

You can�t catch me! You�re being-

[both shouting]

You need to get off!

[upbeat music continues]

I will catch you eventually!

Yeah, cartwheel!

Punching the vagina.

[upbeat music continues]

? Gotta do time, if you know what I mean ?

Come on! Come on!

[cellphone ringing]

[pants] Hello?

[Oliver on phone]. Mom, where�s my fishing rod?

Fishing rod?

Uh...

Oh, oh!

Aha! - Ahhhhh!

[Kris screaming] Aha, aha!

Sorry Oliver, your fishing rod?

Uh...

You know, I�m not sure.

Why-why do you need that?

[Oliver on phone]. Dad�s taking me to Uncle Jeff�s.

Well this is news to me.

When are you going and how-how long are you,

you know what?

I�m sorry, I�m just in the middle of something, Oliver.

Can you just get your dad and put him on the phone?

Hello?

Hello?

[Julie roaring] [upbeat music]

? So what the did you think you�d get? ?

No!

[Julie roaring]

[Julie screaming]

[Julie panting]

You okay?

No. [panting]

Okay.

It�s just, those were the car keys.

Oh shit, we�re gonna need those.

It�s okay, you have a second. I�m gonna get them.

It�s good, you stay right there, Julie.

Everything�s gonna be okay.

I used to be a respected journalist,

now I�m trapped in a vagina costume against my will

looking for keys.

You know what? It�s vagina couture, actually.

And Julie, I gotta be honest with you,

you�re looking really great.

[laughs] Look at us.

Look at us, who�s coming to get help. [laughing]

I mean, I�m really having fun. You know what I say?

I would say that we do the panel

and we make some fast cash.

We just keep the good times rolling.

Well I am not having fun.

I agreed to put these costumes on to annoy Amanda,

not to sell shitty trail mix to menopausal women.

Maybe you should let women make decisions for themselves,

and stop shaming them.

Oh, shame?

You wanna talk shame?

You tricked me into wearing a cooter costume.

I didn�t ask you, Julie.

�Cause I didn�t wanna do it, okay?

If we sell out to Glowee,

what is even the point of "Small Achievable Goals"?

The point is this! It is my job!

It�s how I make my money,

and it�s not enough for a two bedroom apartment!

I just need more!

Julie, if you stay in the costume,

you do the Glowee panel, it will be enough.

Oh!

There they are.

Julie!

Are you kidding me?

I�m gonna lose Saffron!

I�m gonna lose my daughter!

I need to get to fucking Moscow!

I don�t know what that means.

Julie, you are my friend!

I�m, like, begging ya! I�m begging ya, please!

Please, Julie.

Please, you just gotta do this for me.

Please.

It goes against everything,

everything, Kris, that I stand for.

I�m so sorry that you have so many problems.

But they�re not my problems.

[soft music] [people chattering]

Oh my god, Julie, finally.

What took you so long?

Traffic?

Okay, well you�re not in the outfit.

Nope.

Amanda�s gonna be very sad.

Okay, break a leg!

I�m gonna go find the bar.

I�m good, thank you.

Um, so I�m gonna go and have a drink with Ira

while you�re doing the Glowee panel,

and then I will see you back at the autograph signing.

Sure.

[discombobulated music]

?

[intense music]

I need you, Kris.

[intense music continues]

[chuckling] Oh, yes.

Oh!

Are we making a mistake?

It�s not too late to tell Amanda and come clean,

and tell her what we did.

Yeah. You should tell her boss,

who seems totally chill and reasonable by the way,

that you knowingly pitched a lie.

Well, I-I didn�t know it was a lie.

Right. But you did have a couple opportunities

to bring it up,

which you didn�t take, so...

I�m not hireable if I get fired from this job.

I dropped out of university, I�m riddled with dyslexia.

I need this job.

My parents are gonna be so mad at me.

I think I have ADHD. I must.

Ah!

Look at me! Oh my!

Look at me! - What the heck?

Shut up!

Pull yourself together.

Okay, okay.

Okay. - Ugh.

You�re right.

[sighs] The number one thing that breaks up crime duos

is one of them turning on the other.

So you have to promise me, right here, right now,

that we will never do that to each other.

Do what?

What we were just talking about.

What were we just talking about?

God you�re good. [Shayna laughing]

Hi.

I�m Kim. - Hi.

I�m the Senior VP of Marketing for Glowee Worldwide.

When is Julie gonna get here?

Um...

She�s not. I�m alone.

No you�re not! No you�re not!

I�m here.

[soft music]

[Kim]. Is this the way you got the costumes?

Anyway, we�re about to start.

I, um, had to give myself a bit of an episiotomy

to get outta this thing.

Sew me up?

[Kim on loudspeaker]. Please give a loud and warm welcome

to this year�s special guest speakers,

Julie Muldoon and Kris Fine!

[audience applauding]

Hey, everyone! Hello!

Well, what do you think?

My new business casual?

Do you like it?

I�m Julie, this is Kris,

and we are so excited to be here tonight!

But before we get started,

we�d like to thank our sponsor, Glowee,

without whom none of this would be possible.

Hey there, I see you.

Yeah!

[upbeat music]

? We�re gonna give you everything you�ve ever wanted

? Hang a banner with your name upon it

? Pour three shots in a glass

? Call it a martini

? All you�ve got to do is put on this little bikini

? And dance! ?

?

? D-D-D-Dance! ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0