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Last night, Donald Trump gave the

Last night, Donald Trump gave the

Last night, Donald Trump gave the longest State of the Union address in

longest State of the Union address in

longest State of the Union address in history, just beating out Harry Truman's

history, just beating out Harry Truman's

history, just beating out Harry Truman's performance of the vagina monologues.

performance of the vagina monologues.

performance of the vagina monologues. But honestly, it didn't feel long. It

But honestly, it didn't feel long. It

But honestly, it didn't feel long. It felt endless.

felt endless.

felt endless. That's because I wasn't sleeping through

That's because I wasn't sleeping through

That's because I wasn't sleeping through it, unlike some people.

it, unlike some people.

it, unlike some people. >> Is how it gives Americans the chance to

>> Is how it gives Americans the chance to

>> Is how it gives Americans the chance to see clearly what their representatives

see clearly what their representatives

see clearly what their representatives really believe. Pillar of the American

really believe. Pillar of the American

really believe. Pillar of the American dream that has been under attack is

dream that has been under attack is

dream that has been under attack is homeownership. With us tonight is Rachel

homeownership. With us tonight is Rachel

homeownership. With us tonight is Rachel Wiggins, a mom of two from Houston.

Wiggins, a mom of two from Houston.

Wiggins, a mom of two from Houston. >> Well, who says Democrats are woke?

>> Well, who says Democrats are woke?

>> Well, who says Democrats are woke? >> They were just honoring Black History

>> They were just honoring Black History

>> They were just honoring Black History Month by also having a dream. But let's

Month by also having a dream. But let's

Month by also having a dream. But let's let's not focus on length. Let's focus

let's not focus on length. Let's focus

let's not focus on length. Let's focus on girth. By which I mean the content of

on girth. By which I mean the content of

on girth. By which I mean the content of the speech. Mr. President, what is your

the speech. Mr. President, what is your

the speech. Mr. President, what is your message on the state of our union?

message on the state of our union?

message on the state of our union? >> Our nation is back. Bigger, better,

>> Our nation is back. Bigger, better,

>> Our nation is back. Bigger, better, richer, and stronger than ever before.

richer, and stronger than ever before.

richer, and stronger than ever before. This is the golden age of America.

>> Oh, okay. That's great news. I actually

>> Oh, okay. That's great news. I actually

>> Oh, okay. That's great news. I actually think an optimistic, uplifting State of

think an optimistic, uplifting State of

think an optimistic, uplifting State of the Union might be just what the country

the Union might be just what the country

the Union might be just what the country needs right now. Let's hear more about

needs right now. Let's hear more about

needs right now. Let's hear more about this uh golden age.

this uh golden age.

this uh golden age. >> Drug lords, murderers all over our

>> Drug lords, murderers all over our

>> Drug lords, murderers all over our country killed and maimed. Thousands

country killed and maimed. Thousands

country killed and maimed. Thousands ambushed and shot in the head. Shot

ambushed and shot in the head. Shot

ambushed and shot in the head. Shot violently in the head. One bullet after

violently in the head. One bullet after

violently in the head. One bullet after another. Violently and viciously. We're

another. Violently and viciously. We're

another. Violently and viciously. We're talking about the edge of death.

>> Which part of this is the golden age?

>> Which part of this is the golden age?

>> Which part of this is the golden age? Can we just get back to the uplifting

Can we just get back to the uplifting

Can we just get back to the uplifting optimism?

optimism?

optimism? >> Gushing blood which was flowing back

>> Gushing blood which was flowing back

>> Gushing blood which was flowing back down the aisle viciously slash bleeding

down the aisle viciously slash bleeding

down the aisle viciously slash bleeding profusely. Blood all over, shredding his

profusely. Blood all over, shredding his

profusely. Blood all over, shredding his leg into numerous pieces. Unbelievable

leg into numerous pieces. Unbelievable

leg into numerous pieces. Unbelievable what's happened to his legs.

what's happened to his legs.

what's happened to his legs. >> Oh my god, the violence. Was this a

>> Oh my god, the violence. Was this a

>> Oh my god, the violence. Was this a State of the Union speech or a Quinton

State of the Union speech or a Quinton

State of the Union speech or a Quinton Tarantino movie? All that's missing is

Tarantino movie? All that's missing is

Tarantino movie? All that's missing is Uma Thurman's bare feet.

Uma Thurman's bare feet.

Uma Thurman's bare feet. >> Oh,

>> Oh,

>> Oh, close enough.

close enough.

close enough. Look, there's nothing wrong with

Look, there's nothing wrong with

Look, there's nothing wrong with honoring Americans who have been through

honoring Americans who have been through

honoring Americans who have been through tragedies, but we used to have

tragedies, but we used to have

tragedies, but we used to have presidents who could do that without

presidents who could do that without

presidents who could do that without sounding like a six-year-old

sounding like a six-year-old

sounding like a six-year-old dismembering his G.I. Joe's. Now, the

dismembering his G.I. Joe's. Now, the

dismembering his G.I. Joe's. Now, the speech wasn't just two hours of Donald

speech wasn't just two hours of Donald

speech wasn't just two hours of Donald Trump traumatizing America. One one

Trump traumatizing America. One one

Trump traumatizing America. One one reason that the speech went so long was

reason that the speech went so long was

reason that the speech went so long was because Republicans kept interrupting

because Republicans kept interrupting

because Republicans kept interrupting with applause breaks, which Trump would

with applause breaks, which Trump would

with applause breaks, which Trump would just bask in, rotating back and forth

just bask in, rotating back and forth

just bask in, rotating back and forth like he was stuck on oscillating fan

like he was stuck on oscillating fan

like he was stuck on oscillating fan mode.

mode.

mode. guys. Uh, he's stuck. How do I How do I

guys. Uh, he's stuck. How do I How do I

guys. Uh, he's stuck. How do I How do I get him back to regular? Push or pull?

get him back to regular? Push or pull?

get him back to regular? Push or pull? Do I push or do I pull?

Do I push or do I pull?

Do I push or do I pull? But the Democrats stayed seated almost

But the Democrats stayed seated almost

But the Democrats stayed seated almost the entire night and you could tell it

the entire night and you could tell it

the entire night and you could tell it started to get under Trump's skin.

started to get under Trump's skin.

started to get under Trump's skin. >> How do you not stand? How do you not

>> How do you not stand? How do you not

>> How do you not stand? How do you not stand? You should be ashamed of yourself

stand? You should be ashamed of yourself

stand? You should be ashamed of yourself not standing up. You should be ashamed

not standing up. You should be ashamed

not standing up. You should be ashamed of yourself. Look, nobody stands up.

of yourself. Look, nobody stands up.

of yourself. Look, nobody stands up. These people are crazy.

>> Mr. President, I will have you know that

>> Mr. President, I will have you know that

>> Mr. President, I will have you know that the Democrats are not standing because

the Democrats are not standing because

the Democrats are not standing because they are outraged by your tyranny and

they are outraged by your tyranny and

they are outraged by your tyranny and lawless behavior and also they are

lawless behavior and also they are

lawless behavior and also they are asleep right now.

>> You know, Mr. President, let's forget

>> You know, Mr. President, let's forget

>> You know, Mr. President, let's forget about the golden age and yelling at

about the golden age and yelling at

about the golden age and yelling at Democrats for not applauding you. Why

Democrats for not applauding you. Why

Democrats for not applauding you. Why don't you just focus on telling us the

don't you just focus on telling us the

don't you just focus on telling us the state of the union? NOW,

state of the union? NOW,

state of the union? NOW, >> HERE WITH US TONIGHT IS A GROUP OF

>> HERE WITH US TONIGHT IS A GROUP OF

>> HERE WITH US TONIGHT IS A GROUP OF WINNERS who just made the entire nation

WINNERS who just made the entire nation

WINNERS who just made the entire nation proud. The men's gold medal Olympic

proud. The men's gold medal Olympic

proud. The men's gold medal Olympic hockey team. Come on in.

>> Oh, okay. Great. Nice to give the hockey

>> Oh, okay. Great. Nice to give the hockey

>> Oh, okay. Great. Nice to give the hockey team a shout out. All right, give a wave

team a shout out. All right, give a wave

team a shout out. All right, give a wave and smile. They got strip clubs to get

and smile. They got strip clubs to get

and smile. They got strip clubs to get to.

to.

to. But now that we've gone through that,

But now that we've gone through that,

But now that we've gone through that, back to the State of the Union. I will

back to the State of the Union. I will

back to the State of the Union. I will soon be presenting Connor with our

soon be presenting Connor with our

soon be presenting Connor with our highest civilian honor, the Presidential

highest civilian honor, the Presidential

highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

>> Okay, great. Didn't need to do that

>> Okay, great. Didn't need to do that

>> Okay, great. Didn't need to do that here, but sure. One quick award. Let's

here, but sure. One quick award. Let's

here, but sure. One quick award. Let's not turn this whole thing into a big

not turn this whole thing into a big

not turn this whole thing into a big award show.

award show.

award show. >> I will ask the First Lady of the United

>> I will ask the First Lady of the United

>> I will ask the First Lady of the United States to present Captain Royce Williams

States to present Captain Royce Williams

States to present Captain Royce Williams with his Congressional Medal of Honor.

with his Congressional Medal of Honor.

with his Congressional Medal of Honor. present Chief Warrant Officer Slover

present Chief Warrant Officer Slover

present Chief Warrant Officer Slover with the Congressional Medal of Honor. I

with the Congressional Medal of Honor. I

with the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am now awarding you the Legion of Merit.

am now awarding you the Legion of Merit.

am now awarding you the Legion of Merit. It's called the Purple Heart.

It's called the Purple Heart.

It's called the Purple Heart. >> Wow. He didn't just give out one award,

>> Wow. He didn't just give out one award,

>> Wow. He didn't just give out one award, he gave out all the awards. Guess the

he gave out all the awards. Guess the

he gave out all the awards. Guess the state of our union was come on down.

state of our union was come on down.

state of our union was come on down. Now, you could be cynical and say that

Now, you could be cynical and say that

Now, you could be cynical and say that it seems like Trump has so few

it seems like Trump has so few

it seems like Trump has so few accomplishments of his own that he was

accomplishments of his own that he was

accomplishments of his own that he was trying to draft off of the actual

trying to draft off of the actual

trying to draft off of the actual heroism of other people instead. But

heroism of other people instead. But

heroism of other people instead. But hey, at least he's giving awards to

hey, at least he's giving awards to

hey, at least he's giving awards to other people for a change instead of

other people for a change instead of

other people for a change instead of demanding that they give one to him.

demanding that they give one to him.

demanding that they give one to him. >> I've always wanted the Congressional

>> I've always wanted the Congressional

>> I've always wanted the Congressional Medal of Honor, but I was informed I'm

Medal of Honor, but I was informed I'm

Medal of Honor, but I was informed I'm not allowed to give it to myself. And I

not allowed to give it to myself. And I

not allowed to give it to myself. And I wouldn't know why I'd be taking it, but

wouldn't know why I'd be taking it, but

wouldn't know why I'd be taking it, but they ever open up that law, I will be

they ever open up that law, I will be

they ever open up that law, I will be there with you someday.

there with you someday.

there with you someday. >> Yeah, there he is. just can't help

>> Yeah, there he is. just can't help

>> Yeah, there he is. just can't help himself. Trump would have asked for the

himself. Trump would have asked for the

himself. Trump would have asked for the Purple Heart, but his doctors told him

Purple Heart, but his doctors told him

Purple Heart, but his doctors told him that he had one already.

that he had one already.

that he had one already. For more on last night's address, let's

For more on last night's address, let's

For more on last night's address, let's go live to Washington DC with Troy Iada.

>> You were in the room for the speech. You

>> You were in the room for the speech. You

>> You were in the room for the speech. You had a seat in the gallery. What was your

had a seat in the gallery. What was your

had a seat in the gallery. What was your impression?

impression?

impression? >> Yeah, I guess it was fine. I don't know.

>> Yeah, I guess it was fine. I don't know.

>> Yeah, I guess it was fine. I don't know. Some people liked it. Whatever.

Some people liked it. Whatever.

Some people liked it. Whatever. >> Okay. U What was fine or whatever about

>> Okay. U What was fine or whatever about

>> Okay. U What was fine or whatever about it? Can Can you just be more specific?

it? Can Can you just be more specific?

it? Can Can you just be more specific? >> Oh, you want me to be specific?

>> Oh, you want me to be specific?

>> Oh, you want me to be specific? >> It was specifically shitty. Okay. The

>> It was specifically shitty. Okay. The

>> It was specifically shitty. Okay. The whole thing sucked. Okay. Go away.

whole thing sucked. Okay. Go away.

whole thing sucked. Okay. Go away. >> Go away. Why are you so upset?

>> Go away. Why are you so upset?

>> Go away. Why are you so upset? >> Because I

>> Because I

>> Because I I was the only one in the entire room

I was the only one in the entire room

I was the only one in the entire room who didn't get an award.

Are you happy, Desi? Like this is this

Are you happy, Desi? Like this is this

Are you happy, Desi? Like this is this is the fourth grade spelling bee all

is the fourth grade spelling bee all

is the fourth grade spelling bee all over again.

over again.

over again. >> What are you talking about?

>> What are you talking about?

>> What are you talking about? >> I spelled the word pigeon with a D.

>> I spelled the word pigeon with a D.

>> I spelled the word pigeon with a D. >> No, I I meant about this speech. Why?

>> No, I I meant about this speech. Why?

>> No, I I meant about this speech. Why? Why were you expecting an award? Well, I

Why were you expecting an award? Well, I

Why were you expecting an award? Well, I wasn't at first, but then everyone

wasn't at first, but then everyone

wasn't at first, but then everyone around me started getting awards like

around me started getting awards like

around me started getting awards like the Medal of Freedom, the Medal of

the Medal of Freedom, the Medal of

the Medal of Freedom, the Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star,

Honor, a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star,

Honor, a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and I went home empty-handed. Like, what

and I went home empty-handed. Like, what

and I went home empty-handed. Like, what am I, a female director at the Oscars?

am I, a female director at the Oscars?

am I, a female director at the Oscars? >> See, they're sad for me, too.

>> See, they're sad for me, too.

>> See, they're sad for me, too. >> But you weren't there to get an award.

>> But you weren't there to get an award.

>> But you weren't there to get an award. You were there as a reporter.

You were there as a reporter.

You were there as a reporter. >> Well, that's no consolation when

>> Well, that's no consolation when

>> Well, that's no consolation when everyone around me is getting them. and

everyone around me is getting them. and

everyone around me is getting them. and for lame stuff. Like a guy in front of

for lame stuff. Like a guy in front of

for lame stuff. Like a guy in front of me was honored for having good facial

me was honored for having good facial

me was honored for having good facial hair and a woman next to me got a medal

hair and a woman next to me got a medal

hair and a woman next to me got a medal for her parallel parking and then some

for her parallel parking and then some

for her parallel parking and then some got a fancy flag just because her

got a fancy flag just because her

got a fancy flag just because her stupid husband died in the stupid Korean

stupid husband died in the stupid Korean

stupid husband died in the stupid Korean War.

War.

War. Like why can't my husband have died in

Like why can't my husband have died in

Like why can't my husband have died in the Korean War?

the Korean War?

the Korean War? >> Because you weren't born yet and you

>> Because you weren't born yet and you

>> Because you weren't born yet and you also don't have a husband.

also don't have a husband.

also don't have a husband. >> Oh, rub it in.

>> Oh, rub it in.

>> Oh, rub it in. >> Look, don't let it get to you. All

>> Look, don't let it get to you. All

>> Look, don't let it get to you. All right, those awards were just Trump

right, those awards were just Trump

right, those awards were just Trump glomming onto other people's glory.

glomming onto other people's glory.

glomming onto other people's glory. >> I have glory to glom. I have so much

>> I have glory to glom. I have so much

>> I have glory to glom. I have so much glory to glom. I I can spell pigeon now.

glory to glom. I I can spell pigeon now.

glory to glom. I I can spell pigeon now. P I G E O N D. DAMN IT.

P I G E O N D. DAMN IT.

P I G E O N D. DAMN IT. >> WAIT, that's where you put the D.

>> WAIT, that's where you put the D.

>> WAIT, that's where you put the D. >> Oh my god. Oh my god. You sound just

>> Oh my god. Oh my god. You sound just

>> Oh my god. Oh my god. You sound just like Mrs. Lombard.

like Mrs. Lombard.

like Mrs. Lombard. >> I'm sorry, but if you care so much about

>> I'm sorry, but if you care so much about

>> I'm sorry, but if you care so much about getting an award, why don't you just

getting an award, why don't you just

getting an award, why don't you just enlist in the army or or join a hockey

enlist in the army or or join a hockey

enlist in the army or or join a hockey team?

team?

team? >> You don't think I tried? After heated

>> You don't think I tried? After heated

>> You don't think I tried? After heated rivalry, I thought I'd be great at

rivalry, I thought I'd be great at

rivalry, I thought I'd be great at hockey, but turns out it turns out

hockey, but turns out it turns out

hockey, but turns out it turns out hockey is not the part I was great at.

hockey is not the part I was great at.

hockey is not the part I was great at. SO,

I don't know, Desi. I don't know. I

I don't know, Desi. I don't know. I

I don't know, Desi. I don't know. I guess I'm just not good at anything. I'm

guess I'm just not good at anything. I'm

guess I'm just not good at anything. I'm never going to get a medal at the State

never going to get a medal at the State

never going to get a medal at the State of the Union. I'm never going to be a

of the Union. I'm never going to be a

of the Union. I'm never going to be a celebrated widowerower. I never.

celebrated widowerower. I never.

celebrated widowerower. I never. >> Oh, Troy, I I hate seeing you like this.

>> Oh, Troy, I I hate seeing you like this.

>> Oh, Troy, I I hate seeing you like this. Can Can I do anything to help?

Can Can I do anything to help?

Can Can I do anything to help? I don't know. You could maybe

I don't know. You could maybe

I don't know. You could maybe give me an award.

give me an award.

give me an award. >> Sorry, what?

>> Sorry, what?

>> Sorry, what? >> You can give me an award. GIVE ME AN

>> You can give me an award. GIVE ME AN

>> You can give me an award. GIVE ME AN AWARD. GIVE ME ONE,

>> AWARD.

>> AWARD.

>> AWARD. >> OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE.

>> OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE.

>> OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FINE. Uh Troyada on the

Uh Troyada on the

Uh Troyada on the >> Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not ready.

>> Okay. Okay, Troy, on behalf of the

>> Okay. Okay, Troy, on behalf of the

>> Okay. Okay, Troy, on behalf of the United States, I'd like to present you

United States, I'd like to present you

United States, I'd like to present you this uh presidential water BOTTLE

>> for

>> for

>> for >> America's worst speller of pigeon.

>> America's worst speller of pigeon.

>> America's worst speller of pigeon. >> OH MY GOD.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD. Thank you. Thank you. T H A N K D.

Thank you. Thank you. T H A N K D.

Thank you. Thank you. T H A N K D. >> No, that's that's enough. Troy won.

>> No, that's that's enough. Troy won.

>> No, that's that's enough. Troy won. EVERYONE