Original subtitles

(light music playing)

John Wilson: Hey, New York.

When you're young, life is simple.

You don't have to worry about dressing yourself.

Your social life is prearranged.

And you naturally get plenty of exercise.

But, as you get older,

you become responsible for your own well-being.

You start to eat a lot of junk.

You sit around and get stoned at home all the time.

And you drink a bunch because it's the only way

you know how to be social.

But, after a while,

this lifestyle will start to catch up with you.

(clears throat)

You barely have any energy to do anything.

You're too weak to defend yourself.

And you're so out of shape, that people call you

really hurtful names.

And what was once a fresh ball of clay

with unlimited possibility,

has hardened into something disappointing.

And you no longer like what you see

when you look in the mirror.

You were on a plane recently, and during takeoff,

you had an unobstructed view of the flight attendant.

You couldn't stop staring at his biceps,

which looked like they were about

to burst out of his uniform.

And you kinda wish you could have those, too.

♪ ♪

Your entire life, you just thought that people's bodies

just were... were the way they were.

But, the more you look around New York,

the more you notice all the hard work people are doing

to maintain their physiques.

They make it look effortless,

and you've never really understood how to do it right.

But, maybe if you tried,

you could finally have the beach body

you've always dreamed of

and surprise everyone

with your incredible transformation.

So, instead of just letting gravity suck you down,

stick with me, and I'll show you

how to finally get off your butt and...

and start to, uh, work out.

Now, there are a lot of different gyms

to choose from in New York,

and thankfully, a lot of them offer a free trial,

so you can take a tour to see which you like best.

Most gyms just have machines that simulate

a bunch of activities that you hate doing outside,

like walking up stairs,

rowing a boat,

or looking over a wall.

♪ ♪

There's a large common area where people lie down

to send text messages.

You have an unlimited supply of free paper towels,

(clears throat)

and a bunch of high-definition TVs above you

playing, uh, inspirational, uh, programing.

At Retro Fitness, all the equipment is yellow,

there's a movie theater with treadmills

instead of seats

that, uh, p-plays "Space Jam" on a loop.

And a fireplace room

with three numbered pods.

At Equinox, they have a steam room

and really nice showers with signs

telling you not to have sex in them.

All the gyms seem nice,

but you, you may not be able to picture yourself

going there every day.

You have a couple of pieces of equipment at home

that you never do anything with.

You also started smoking again after a bad breakup,

and you don't know why having a gym membership

would suddenly make you wanna work out.

But, you're just gonna have to figure out

some way to get yourself excited.

You spent an afternoon

with a compulsive masturbator recently,

and you were curious how he stayed so motivated.

I think it's just prolonging...

prolonging the orgasm,

I think is the, is the main goal.

Um, you're consuming porn, obviously, to finish,

to orgasm.

Um, gooning is riding that orgasm

without finishing.

Recently, it's evolved

into making these things called "Goon Caps."

You write, like, motivational text on it,

like, "Keep going!" Or "You're doing great!"

And other people look at them, and they masturbate as well.

-(notification chimes) -And you keep it all going.

Sorry, that's work.

No one can make you feel

as good as you can make yourself feel good.

-(musical ringtone) -Oh, my gosh!

Oh, that's work again. Mind if I take that?

John: Yeah, sure.

It seems like having someone else to motivate you

helps you stay committed to something that's hard to do.

Gooner: The wordplay is part of

the aesthetic of being mindless.

John: Oh, like "stay tuned"?

Gooner: Um, I wasn't going for that specifically.

-(Gooner laughs) -John: Oh...

Thankfully, most gyms have personal trainers

that kind of do the same thing.

You wanna feel better, you wanna look better,

you wanna get strong? What is it?

-John: I think I wanna look better. -You wanna look better?

-John: Yeah. -Okay.

-John: Like this? -So, I'm staying in this spot

-right here for about 20 seconds. -John: Okay.

-And pull right up. -John: Okay.

-I squeeze this out into a T. -John: Oh, okay.

♪ ♪

-John: Okay. -And crunch.

John: Oh, wow.

Okay... Okay.

Over here, we do multiple things on this.

So, we go one, two, three, four, five.

I got 'em counted all over here when I'm doing multiples,

-when I'm trying to get up to 300 reps. -John: Oh, okay.

I think something's on fire over here.

-Trainer: What do you mean? -John: I think this blanket's on fire.

Oh, shit! Wow!

We got the tires. We flip 'em,

we jump on top of 'em.

We hammer 'em. Uh...

John: I think the dumpster's on fire now.

Jesus.

-Ooh, yeah! -John: Oh, jeez.

Yeah. Do, do we have a fire extinguisher or something?

(mop clatters)

(bangs)

(banging)

John: Okay, that's better.

-We could do some steps. -John: Oh, wow.

You're like, it's, it's...

It's kind of like a... it's like you're a mime, kind of.

The first day everyone goes to the gym,

they should immediately take a picture of their whole body

for themselves.

John: It seems like if you wanna

take fitness seriously,

you're gonna need to get a full-body photo of yourself.

Otherwise, you won't know how much progress you're making.

Okay. Wow, that looks cool.

You tried taking some video at home,

but you couldn't really... get the angle right.

Thankfully, you were at a cat show recently,

and you found a professional photographer there

who agreed to take seminude photos of you.

-This is the best kitten of the year past. -John: Oh, okay.

This is the best alter.

-The alters are neutered and spayed. -(indistinct PA announcement)

John: I just started to work out,

so I kinda wanted to maybe get a before and after photo.

Photographer: This is the before? Okay.

You got big glasses and glares.

(camera beeps)

John: Okay. What's today's date?

Photographer: Today is the 16.

-John: And you'll send them to me in an email? -Photographer: Yeah.

Eileen Watkins: This is a mystery series.

It's about a woman who has a cat grooming and boarding business,

and she solves crimes connected with her customers,

-human and feline. -John: Oh.

Is, uh, "The Bengal Identity" is that like "The Bourne Identity"?

Yep.

John: You were having a really good time,

uh, looking around

at all the different,

uh, cool stuff at the cat show.

But you still couldn't stop comparing your body

to other guys' there.

♪ ♪

You started to feel like a scrawny geek

who's waited too long to put on muscle.

Maybe the world is just one big cat show

where all your physical imperfections

are being carefully logged by everyone around you,

giving a number value to every visible feature

to determine if you're worthy of their approval.

(clears throat)

And you don't have a choice

whether or not you participate.

You're excited to get your professional photos back,

but the next day you got an email from the photographer

telling you that all his equipment

had been stolen straight from his tent,

and now your embarrassing photos

were in the hands of some anonymous Jersey crook.

(mysterious music playing)

You keep looking back at the footage to see

who there might have done something like this,

but there were too many suspicious people,

uh, to count.

And then, you remembered that there was someone

that you met there that might be able to assist you.

She'd written dozens of animal-related mysteries,

so you thought she might be able

to help you solve this one.

Was this the guy who was the professional photographer

-who takes the show cats? -John: Yeah, like Larry Johnson.

-Yeah. And it was his equipment that was stolen? -John: Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Could it be a rival?

Could it be somebody who was, who was, uh,

doing the same kind of work that he was doing,

but he was getting more attention 'cause,

'cause Larry's pretty famous?

I haven't looked at it in a long time,

but every once in a while, I do refer to something.

John: Robbery. Here we go.

"One of the leading forms of major crime is robbery."

I actually, I have some footage from that...

-I brought some footage from that day. -Eileen: Huh.

They probably would be smart enough not to do it

while you were shooting a film.

John: Yeah, right.

They come in with an empty baby stroller

that you would put a cat in,

and then they put it... the stuff in there,

and then they wheel it out,

-and nobody even realizes they've stolen it. -John: Wow.

Eileen: If he's lost a, a lot of valuable equipment,

-you should go to the cops. -John: Yeah.

Can we look up like another... Like, are there...

Are there other Jersey cat photographers?

You know, I really...

-I'm not a detective. I can't. -John: Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was taking the photo because, like, I was... I...

I'm, I'm starting to work out,

-and I wanted to take kind of like a "before" photo. -Um...

I could take a photo of you with this.

John: Oh, cool!

Would it be strange if I took my shirt off?

Because it's, it's a workout photo.

-Eileen: Okay... -John: Okay.

Oops.

There we go.

John: So now that you finally have your "before" photo,

you can, uh, continue on your fitness journey.

Over the next few months,

you spend most of your free time at the gym.

You revisit every single song you've ever heard.

And time that would normally be spent filming

is now devoted to making gains.

You find yourself following buff men

in the supermarket to see what they buy.

And everything you see on the street now

just makes you think of protein.

♪ ♪

You eventually start to see a little progress,

but you still don't look the way that you want to.

And you start to wonder what you're even working towards.

Will you have to just be in a room like this

for the rest of your life? (clears throat)

And if you stop, will you just go back

to the, the way you looked before?

You can already lift the stuff

that, that you need to carry around every day

and tame whatever animal you need to.

So, you're not really sure what you'd even do with,

uh, all that excess strength.

-(indistinct bar chatter) -(loud punching)

(loud punch)

John: But, it seems like once your muscles get big enough,

it's good to have a place to show them to everyone.

When you're at the gym, you saw a poster

for a, a bodybuilding competition,

which was 9/11-themed for some reason.

('80s synth music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

-(indistinct chatter) -John: Where were you on 9/11?

Um...

I was just born. Like, I'm, I'm 22,

-so, I was... (laughs) Yeah. -John: Oh, okay.

-Were, we're you alive on 9/11? -Uh, I was not.

-John: Oh, okay. -But, I still, uh, give my condolences

-and, uh, contribute in any way I can. -John: Sure.

Alright, well, thanks. Thank you for your workout.

Um, my mom pulled us out of school early that day.

-John: Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

John: Uh, yeah, I think I-I left...

-Bodybuilder: Yes! -(clapping)

Did you just fucking win a gold, bro?

John: How has this experience been for you?

Um, prep is extremely challenging,

both mentally and physically, um...

Yeah. I mean, I-I struggled for quite a long time.

It's a very socially isolating thing,

especially when you're in college...

-John: Really? -...because it can...

it takes away your entire social life.

You get so much time and so much everything goes into it,

and your mental, like, health really deteriorates,

which people don't know about. Like natural body...

Just bodybuilding in general.

I wanna say, like, waves of depression,

'cause, honestly, that's what it is.

There's ni... I... It sounds stupid,

but I, genuinely, there have been nights

where I have like, cried myself to sleep and said,

"It's not worth it."

Backstage, after, after like, we were all there,

hitting our poses, I was freaking out.

I saw the pictures my mom took, and I was like,

"I-I look terrible! I'm not gonna win!

I'm not gonna get even third! I'm gonna do ter..."

And I'm just freaking out

because you just get in like, this mindset,

and it's, it's just... I don't know.

I'm just so glad now that it's over,

and it's like, it paid off, you know?

It feels great.

(pensive music playing)

John: It seems like even if it's emotionally devastating,

you should keep at it no matter what it costs,

because commitment is the most important thing.

When the event was over,

you ended up talking to this guy

who gave you a book he thought you might find interesting.

It was a memoir written by a personal trainer

who discovered that a former client of his

became one of the 9/11 hijackers.

He was really shocked, but there were a few lessons

he learned from the whole experience.

Uh, and, uh...

John: I mean, how did it, how did it make you feel

when you found out what they did?

John: Oh.

♪ ♪

John: The only thing you've been that dedicated to,

your whole life, is making films.

You even made a movie on 9/11,

uh, after you got to go home early.

It was a superhero flick, uh, about a man whose only power

was that he owned a ladder.

But it had nothing to do with 9/11.

You used to make movies

just to... (clears throat)

entertain a few of your friends.

But now that you have the show,

you end up at these strange events by yourself.

♪ ♪

With all these people

who are valorized for their commitment

to making TV shows.

And we're gonna wait for that next Peloton ad.

-Mm. Can't wait. -Just drop it. It'll be perfect.

-I'm doing the next one, actually. -Oh!

John: You feel kinda lost without anyone

telling you what to do there.

So, you just get in line for something

because that's what everyone else is doing.

♪ ♪

You never thought about yourself

as a competitive person,

but being in these environments

forces you to compare yourself

to other people that you have very little in common with,

and you begin to feel really disconnected

from the reason you originally made your movies.

And when you lose,

you try to tell yourself you don't care,

but part of you still feels like a failure.

On the way out, you pass a demonstration

about a, a genocide

you didn't know about,

and then it turns out that HBO

doesn't even have you on their list

for their after-party.

Yes, I, unfortunately, do not have you here.

-John: Okay. (laughs) -Um...

John: And at another event,

you were supposed to be celebrating Elon Musk,

who was the Person of the Year,

uh, that year.

He showed up with his little baby

and gave a really weird interview.

You know, even if you, um...

save 90% of the lives,

the 10% that you don't save are gonna sue you.

-(scattered laughter) -Interviewer: Right.

John: You like to think that you were just (clears throat)

watching all this stuff from a distance

but maybe this is just who you are now.

(people singing "You Will Be Found")

John: You got so bored

that you went out onto the balcony by yourself

to stare at the billboard for your own show.

(singing continues)

John: You thought this would be the moment

you waited for your entire life.

But, for some reason, you felt completely nothing.

(singing) ♪ So, let the sun come streaming in ♪

♪ 'Cause you'll reach up and rise again ♪

♪ Lift your head and look around ♪

♪ You will be found ♪

John: And as you walk back to the subway

in Times Square afterwards,

you sort of wondered if

getting big ever really made anyone happy.

-(hip-hop music blasting) -(indistinct rapping)

♪ If you wanna move ♪

♪ I'll make you move ♪

John: You gave a speech to a bunch of undergrads

at your old university recently.

I-It's, it's like the little thing

that stays on all the time,

so that it remembers what channel you were on,

when, when you turned it off.

But, if you put your finger in it, it could kill you.

And afterwards, you went to your old dorms

to try to get inside.

Did anyone ever tell you you look like one of the kids

from, uh, that movie "Kids"?

-I don't think I've seen it. -John: Oh, you haven't seen "Kids"?

-No. No. -John: Oh, you should. It's really good.

I mean, it's kind of a fucked-up movie.

Student 1: Hello.

John: Hey, how's it going?

-Student 2: Hello. -Student 3: Good.

John: Thanks for... Hello.

Yeah, I used to live in one of these, too.

-It still kind of smells the same in here. -(awkward laugh)

John: Oh, you guys play DDR?

Student: Yes. Well, one of our friends.

John: I totally forgot about this.

And I used to play it in my house growing up,

and I used to get really sweaty on the weekends.

-(toy skateboard clatters) -John: No.

I used to be able to do a flip.

-Student 2: Okay. -John: Like...

And that night, you went to

a few of your favorite old college bars

expecting a hero's return.

But, nobody there seemed to care who you were.

I used to come to this bar a lot...

-Are you actually from HBO? -John: Yeah, yeah!

-No, you're not! -John: No, you can google me.

-No, you're not from HBO. -What's your name? -John: I am.

No, he's not!

John: And all the places you used to go to parties at

didn't really seem to want you around either.

-Hello? -John: Hey. I...

-Hey, what's up? -John: I just heard there was a party here.

-You heard wrong. No party. -(party chatter inside)

John: 'Cause I have a TV show. Like, I...

(partygoer 1 speaking)

-John: Okay. -(partygoer 2 speaking)

(melancholy music playing)

John: You felt like an old ghost, wandering around campus,

trying to recapture something

you no longer have access to.

-(partygoer 3 speaking) -John: Nothing.

And maybe your ego will never be

fully satisfied.

♪ ♪

The next morning, on the way back,

you took some local roads, and you stopped to get a shot

of a giant rotting pumpkin in the back of a truck.

And while you're sitting there,

the, the owner saw you looking at it.

-That's yours? -I just might just leave it in the truck

-and drive it around town. -(truck idling)

John: It turned out he was actually a competitive pumpkin grower.

♪ ♪

And he offered to show you his whole operation.

Wow.

So, every morning, I, I put this little can here,

-and it knocks it over. -John: Oh, really?

It's pushing out an inch, at least, in 24 hours.

John: He told you that pumpkins

were the fastest-growing objects on planet Earth,

and that people try to push them to the limits

to compete for the biggest one.

Scott: This is my little cocktail for lunch.

Humic acid, silica blast, essentials,

companion, and some seaweed.

John: Is it possible for a human to consume that?

-No. -(dripping)

John: Do you, like, do you go to the gym?

No. No, this is my gym.

-John: Oh, really? -Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.

♪ ♪

So, this is my little wall of ribbons here.

But no first place.

-John: Wow. "Poughkeepsie Journal." -Scott: Yeah.

Kind of a car guy, too.

John: This is like a pumpkin...

-car. -Scott: Yeah.

John: A giant pumpkin takes 130 days to mature.

And once it does, you need to use a big crane

to get it out of your yard.

Scott: We'll see. Uh,

it could be my personal best.

John: Well, it's the biggest... one of the biggest pumpkins

I've ever seen. What do you do for fun?

Uh, for the summer, I work with my dad.

Corbin Equipment.

But then, now I'm just in school.

John: Oh, okay, cool. What do you like in school?

Uh, nothing. I hate it. (laughs)

John: Oh. You'll like something eventually.

-Yeah, maybe. -John: Yeah.

To transport it, you need to put it on a flatbed

and drive extremely carefully to avoid damaging the gourd.

Gets a little bounce going to it.

I try to not let it bounce too much, but...

John: You ever see that movie "Sorcerer"?

Scott: No.

John: Everyone brings their pumpkins to a big field

and lines them up in a row,

and the whole town comes out to look at them.

They had really cool merchandise

and a rock-and-roll band to keep everyone relaxed.

♪ ♪

All the growers were committed to something

that was really hard,

but they were still surrounded by their family and friends.

They were only celebrities for one day a year...

-Steve! Steve! Steve! -(laughs)

John: ...and there wasn't a big ego in sight.

This is a very good hobby for people who are chill.

-Uh, yeah. Okay. -(laughter)

John: Everyone's relationship with pumpkins

was very uncomplicated.

What do you like about pumpkins?

Uh... (nervous laugh)

Well, I think it's pretty cool how big they are.

-Yeah. -John: Wow.

And before you knew it, it was time to weigh them off.

Emcee (on microphone): Counting down, two, one...

256.5 pounds!

-326.5 pounds! -(scattered cheering)

Emcee: 447!

There's always a surprise in growing pumpkins and squash.

-1,102.5 pounds! -(scattered cheering)

Yeah, I think that's great.

1,120 pounds.

1,463 pounds! We have a new leader today.

-What do you think? -Good.

Emcee: 1,697 pounds!

John: As it got down to the last couple,

you realized that your friends'

might be one of the biggest ones.

So, what do, what do we wanna get to this year?

We gotta beat 1,770.

Emcee: Three, two, one.

♪ ♪

-(crowd cheering) -1,805! 1,805. What do you think?

Yeah! Yeah!

Emcee: Another personal best, year after year.

This is now, by a good amount, the leader.

But we do have one more pumpkin.

Now, are you a little nervous at all?

No. No, I've been through this before.

Emcee: Three, two, one.

-(crowd cheering) -1,904!

John: He had come so close but

his pumpkin didn't weigh as much as it needed to

to get the blue ribbon.

A loss of this magnitude would have crushed you.

But, when you talk to him,

he seemed perfectly fine with it.

I didn't expect it. It was...

You know, I was hoping to beat my personal best,

-but it did. So, that's a good thing. -John: Wow. Congrats.

Keep my record going. Gotta get better

-every year, you know? -John: Yeah.

♪ ♪

It seems like the masculine urge to grow

had found a healthy home here.

And just when you thought you had run out of things

to impress the Television Academy with,

these people had just given you the perfect metaphor.

Not a single person there had any idea.

You're about to head back home,

but there's just one more loose end that you had to tie up.

Do you ever go to cat shows?

(mysterious music playing)

-No, I haven't. -John: Okay.

Do you, do you ever travel with a, a baby carriage?

Okay.

♪ ♪

-(meows) -(soft music playing)

John: So, if you do wanna get big,

just make sure you find a healthy outlet for it.

That way, you won't get carried away somewhere else.

And if you find yourself in an unfamiliar place along the way,

just make sure to look around for reminders

of where you came from,

so you don't lose sight of who you are.

Because working out should feel natural.

And as long as you find a way to do it

that you really enjoy,

it shouldn't matter if you win or lose.

Which, which makes you a winner.

-And that's all that matters. -(video game sound effects)

This is John Wilson.

Thanks for watching.

("Preludietto" by Alessandro Alessandroni playing)

(vocalizing)

♪ ♪