Original subtitles

If I squint at you from a distance, I can almost see a soldier.

But what I'm wondering right now is what he dressed like.

Can you be more specific, sir?

Like... Like Shrek.

No, I bought this costume at a Halloween store.

This is Angry Green Swamp Ogre.

Colonel, the troops have chosen to watch Shrek for the 17th straight movie night.

I am dressed as an Angry Green Swamp Ogre.

Now if someone were to dress as Shrek, maybe they would do so because the film is

a cultural touchstone for an entire generation.

Get your feet off my desk.

Officially as of now, Major, Shrek is banned on this base.

Confirm, sir. Fine.

Guess we can watch Shrek 2.

Shrek 2 is banned.

Shrek 3, banned.

What?

Is there a Shrek 4?

Because it's banned.

Forever after.

What?

Shrek 4.

It's called Shrek Forever After.

Well, not on this base.

Hey!

Come on now!

Does the Constitution even allow that?

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Just missed.

Great.

Ready for the next meeting?

Yeah, sure.

What is it?

Specialist Gideon is dressed as a giant donkey.

Why are you trying to impress her?

She's just a Canadian NATO general.

General Martin is coming here on my invitation.

You understand that, right?

And that last three mentees are all Lieutenant Generals now.

Okay, relax.

What do you have in that lovely folder?

It's insane.

Most soldiers put in their resume.

You have your kindergarten artwork or something in there?

Stop.

It doesn't go back that far.

It starts at like middle school.

Dad, I would appreciate it if you were on your best behavior, you know?

No, like, Canada jokes or anything stupid.

Have I made a Canada joke?

They are an important strategic partner.

Okay.

Here she comes.

What's she gonna teach you?

How to say sorry?

Just said stop.

Well, maybe she'll introduce you to Santa Claus if you're lucky.

Shut up.

General Martin.

Well, hello, NATO.

You must be the famous twins.

The rumors are true.

I could smell your base's cheese a half a click out.

General Martin, it is an honor.

Canada is, of course, one of our most important...

One of our most important... Strategic partners.

Strategic partners.

We are big fans of Canada.

Welcome.

Can I get you coffee or tea?

Caffeines for the unmotivated.

I'd like a tour.

This is our urban training site with state-of-the-art

equipment to condition our troops for any situation.

Mock buildings for forced entry exercises.

A rock wall for terrain skill development.

And this is our picnic table for people to have lunch.

What is that?

A sandwich?

Yum.

This whole place here was a useless bowling alley until I turned it around.

This was your influence?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you, General.

Thank you.

General, would you care to see the most advanced

Armed Forces laundry operation in all of Europe?

I'm sure it's not advanced enough to deal with my dirty laundry.

Your reputation for risky humor precedes you, ma'am.

Well, there's not a lot of finishing schools in Saskatoon.

You will be proud to know, Colonel, that we use your training methods on NATO troops.

Oh, really?

I'm very, very honored to hear that, General.

I would like to hear more about that.

And I also hear you have something to do with

the NATO Professional Development Program.

It's a fine program.

Not as fine as this facility, though, I have to say.

You know, we could use an upgrade like this at the NATO shape, base, and moms.

We mostly have glowing maps and conference rooms.

And look, it's all fun and war games, but how can you train soldiers if you've

forgotten how it feels to hold a rifle in your hands?

Yes, General.

And you know what?

I still have my Glock.

Oh, these don't.

35 years ago.

I love a Glock, Hela.

You know?

Oh, that's a big one.

It is.

I have one too.

You too?

General, I would love to come to your base and help assess the situation,

and perhaps continue our conversation about that professional development.

Captain, your letter got my attention.

And it brought me to this base, so I would love to host you at mine.

Awesome.

And Colonel Quinn as well?

I would love to see those conference rooms.

Oh, they're great for one-on-one meetings.

I'd love to have a one-on-one.

Me too.

Can I see your candles?

Yeah.

Hey, I just heard.

Is it true?

You guys are really banned in Shrek.

Yeah, the Colonel banned the movie.

Okay, yeah, but it's not like a real order, right?

It's like one of his silly orders.

Like when he told us that we couldn't say bless you after

sneezing anymore because it was superstitious nonsense.

Orders are orders.

No Shrek.

You are too old to understand how much this

movie means to our younger enlisted soldiers.

This is the cartoon about a fat grudge.

I assume.

I've only seen the poster.

Well, you don't get it.

As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek as this down-to-earth outsider.

It means something to them.

You know what means something to me?

Following the chain of command.

No.

Don't say it.

Hey.

Hey.

So can you review these talking points that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?

Where are you going?

I was going to pop over and see General Martin

and make sure she knows where the defect is.

In that blazer?

This is my lucky blazer.

It's your lucky blazer.

It's not my fault that I'm five for five and this is just a nice one.

Don't sleep with General Martin, please.

Why?

I really don't want things to get messy, okay?

The program's so important to me.

Why would it get messy?

This is what you do.

You'll sleep with a woman and then come up with some excuse,

like a fake phone call that you have to go save America.

And then they're left there alone and hurt.

It's a pattern that you have.

It's not a pattern.

It's a lifestyle choice.

I fought in two wars and defend this country so that all Americans have the

right to do whatever they want, including where whatever jacket they want

to say hello to somebody and walk them over to the defect.

All right.

All right.

I won't make my move until you make your move.

Yes.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

It is a sacrifice.

Hey!

What's up?

I forgot where the dining hall is.

Oh, it's just across the lawn there if you want me to.

That sounds far.

You'd use a drink to tide me over.

Oh.

Hey.

Nice place.

It's your place.

I know.

Sometimes I just forget and I re-admire it.

That's General Patton's gun.

Ooh.

Impressive.

Yeah.

I've been sitting all day.

I think it's going to be like a standing evening because I've just been...

Yeah, I was sitting all day.

Pretty tight.

What's going on here?

What do you mean?

I mean, it's clear we have a natural attraction to each other, right?

Yeah.

I mean, why retreat from it?

It's perfect.

We're not in the same chain of command.

We're not even in the same army.

I know.

The thing is, my daughter...

She thinks that my personal life gets messy

and she doesn't want me to get messy with you.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

Oh, well...

So, get over here, peel off my sex blazer, and we'll

see if you have the fortitude to invade Canada.

Oh!

Now I know some of you are upset about recent programming changes.

I told you not to play with Shrek.

Okay, since Shrek is your favorite childhood movie, I found the perfect substitute.

What is that?

A giant vape?

It's not a vape.

This is a VHS.

And it contains a recording of my favorite childhood movie, the never-ending story.

Enjoy!

Give it a shot.

Just give it a chance, okay?

They hate this.

Wait, our horse dies in this?

We want Shrek.

Hey, dude.

Be cool.

Dude?

It's major.

Sorry, dude.

Major.

Listen, why don't you take a walk?

Well, this watch the star is born.

Okay, this is just a DVD of Shrek.

Prove it.

Put it in.

You know what?

No, no, we're not watching Shrek.

That is an order.

Great.

Enjoy your flying dog.

Creep.

I'm leaving.

Let's get out of here.

He's a dragon, and he's really cute and charming.

It was ahead of its time.

Oh, my God.

What happened to Canadians being polite?

It's a high-altitude training perk.

I need very little oxygen.

I was getting a little worried, you know.

What?

What's that scar?

Oh, Isis' terrorist.

He was inside of a bowling, so I smashed her

window, grabbed them, pulled them right at.

Oh, that's cool.

Oh, my God.

What's that from?

Bar fight.

Moose draw.

I won.

It's so much bigger than mine.

I know.

Cool.

Oh, boy.

I... Man.

Aww.

Looks like I got a save Canada.

What?

I can't believe you said that.

That's my move.

That's what I was just about to say.

I swear to God.

Well, you said you didn't want things to get messy.

No, this is perfect.

This means it could just be a mutual transmission of fluids.

And, you know, respect, obviously.

Hopefully not too much respect.

Good morning, Mags.

Oh, my God.

What?

You slept with General Martin.

No, I didn't.

What are you talking about?

What?

You never say good morning, Mags.

You potentially destroyed my chances at the NATO Professional Development Program.

After you said, I won't make things messy.

It's not messy.

It's so cool.

She's the female version of me.

She actually even used my move on me after we,

you know, we're done having, you know, relations.

She picked up her phone and she was like, oh, I got to go save Canada.

That was like really?

From what?

The Yetis?

Let's say that she doesn't hate your guts yet.

She doesn't.

She loves many parts of me.

Okay, stop.

New plan.

You are just going to give her this.

You're going to talk me up and you are going to help secure me this mentorship,

okay?

This is so heavy.

It's seven pounds.

Like I'm begging you to just edit.

Go!

So I can go wash my brain.

Thanks for coming to my next class.

I just couldn't turn down the chance to have sex on a war table.

Next time, instead of doing it on Canada, can we do it on Russia?

Because I feel like if we do it long enough, Putin might actually find out.

Oh, he'll find out.

All right, well, I got to go.

And don't worry, I'm not saving Canada this time.

If anything, I'm putting her in more danger.

Hey, I was thinking, you know, like you and my

daughter should get to know each other better.

She's a great girl.

She's really interesting.

She's wicked smart.

She's an impressive officer.

You should be very proud.

I'm so proud.

And I actually told her that once on the road.

So I was just thinking that we could grab dinner and get to know each other.

There's an entire place nearby.

They do a family-style thing.

It's great.

I thought maybe... I don't do family-style.

But what they can do individual plates is no big thing.

Anyway, she gave me this.

Which is a folder summing up her career and her ideas about the future of...

Oh, my God.

I know.

What the hell is that?

She has an obby-shaped head, and it took us a

while to figure out what haircut worked for her.

And that was one of the ones that worked.

But anyways, so it's all in here.

You can just get to... where are you going?

Uh, call my office.

Okay, well, we're still on for tomorrow, right?

I'm sure it'll work out.

And hook!

Why are soldiers in the DFAC eating raw onions like an apple?

Because it's Shrek's favorite food, sir.

Also a representation of these many layers.

I am following orders.

And so should you.

You know who else was just following orders?

Lord Farquad's knights.

Lord Farquad is an emissant.

No, I got it from context clues.

Thank you so much.

This is ending now, and no more playing All Star By Smash Mouth.

Terrible song.

Hey, now.

It's a classic...

greeting our sheets.

You just been assigned a latrine duty.

Oh, you can silence me!

A good luck silencing the insertraction.

Yummy?

You've been waiting a long time.

Well, she is a general.

And everything went okay yesterday.

Great.

You gave her my folder.

Yes, I, uh, I showed her the folder.

And, um... You showed her the folder?

Yeah.

Did she read the folder?

No, she didn't have to.

Like, that's the thing.

She's, obviously, like I said, she's so into me.

General Martin can't give the tour after all.

She's been pulled into an important meeting.

Oh, okay.

Of course.

Thank you, ma'am.

Got it.

You said that she was very into you.

She was into me.

Oh, why is she blowing you off?

Women don't blow me off, honey.

Okay.

You get pulled into an important last minute meeting all the time.

And when you're doing that, what does it mean?

It's a blow on them off, come on.

We are.

Let's go.

Come back.

Come back.

Stop.

Yes.

Sure.

What the hell is going on here?

What?

Oh, my God.

This is your big meeting.

You're re-gripping your hockey stick.

Unbelievable.

It's called a Canadian breakup.

It's as direct as we can be.

You're breaking up with me?

That's a laugh.

This means war.

Look, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.

Oh, you're going to be very sorry.

You know what?

I'd like to challenge you to one of these little war games that

you supposedly run here in this toothless little dollhouse.

He's very passionate.

Perhaps that is not the best idea, considering Canada

is one of our most important strategic partners.

It's important, strategic partners.

There are a bunch of syrup, sock and puck making losers.

No.

Yeah, I haven't won the Stanley Cup with the Canadian team since 1993.

How dare you bring up my country's greatest shame.

Fine.

War it is.

You pick any country on the map and I will use that country to crush NATO.

Bhutan.

Bhutan it is.

I love Bhutan.

Yeah, here we go.

Bhutan.

I'm Captain Bhutan.

Yeah, Bhutan is a pacifist country with a million Buddhists.

I'm going to war with a bunch of Buddhists.

Okay, I'm going to double that bet.

Bhutan wins, which it will because I'm running it.

My daughter gets the professional mentorship thing.

How about that?

Okay, well, you have a lot of confidence or no faith in your daughter.

Let's find out which one.

I'm very confident.

That's which one it is, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Let's go.

Yeah.

You think you're cool?

It's pretty hot.

Dad.

Circuit.

All right.

This war table is connected to an AI program that immediately assesses any

geopolitical consequences by military actions.

Hey, everyone.

Nuclear war was still done by human hands pushing big red buttons.

Okay, let's begin.

Hmm.

My entire professional future is now tied to

this war game, so you're sure you can beat her?

100% sure.

Great.

No question in my mind.

All right.

Just show me where 10 is it.

New Mexico.

Bhutan is here.

Only China, India, border.

Interesting.

Okay.

You ready to lock in?

No, I'm locked in.

Okay.

You think I got banned from three trivia nights without locking in?

Okay.

What is happening here?

Okay, what is wrong with you all?

Get back to work.

Clean this up.

That's an order.

It's a total revolt, sir.

I cannot believe that Papadakis and Sparta rebelling over a stupid cartoon.

This is a mutiny.

It's a very stupid mutiny.

We here at the Indo-China Bhutanese Alliance respond with a drone squadron in

the mountainous region and artillery at the northern border.

Now we're at a stalemate.

Not exactly, because while you were digging trenches, I was training the

Bhutanese liberation front in the Himalayan caves.

You're leading an army of Buddhist guerrillas.

Yeah, call it karma.

And you know, the BLF advantage is that we only live in the moment that and the

nuclear weapons that we have smuggled into half a dozen Eastern European cities.

That's a highly unusual move.

Yeah, but you can only push Buddhist so far.

Right?

Get ready to be reincarnated.

Can I talk to you privately for a moment?

Mm-hmm.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's a little bit gross out,

don't you?

No.

No, I would rather trigger nuclear winter than

lose my mentorship because I played it too safe.

Trust me.

Okay.

Whoo!

Your turn.

Papadakis, this is out of control.

You gotta call it off.

You know, Major, I was never asking for a slack.

I was only asking for Shrek.

I wish it was that easy.

It is that easy.

The bass has Shrek on like David E.

Blu-ray, audiobook, even that weird big vape.

It's called a VHS, and it is the Colonel's Order.

He's in here.

It's your order now.

Conway, you volunteered for the dream duty?

I'm finally serving a cause I can believe in.

You told us to act like soldiers.

The question now is... kind of soldier are you.

Is that a line from Shrek?

Only one way to find out.

NATO forces invade the BLF, the Bulgarian terrorist cell.

That is too bad.

Because we were never there.

We were in North Macedonia the whole time.

North Macedonia.

One of NATO's newest members, but they agreed

to house us in exchange for a nuclear weapon.

Which is the reward that we offer for any country

willing to join the Indo-China-Boutanese Alliance.

Oh, my God.

And then the Eastern Bloc will join you, and the NATO alliance is permanently broken.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Wow.

Crazy, impressive, right?

See, I told you, that's why you should have had

that family style dinner with the three of us.

Sorry, did you invite a woman that you barely know to a family style dinner?

Yeah, I mean... Well, that's insane.

I'm insane.

You're the food and he's been lied.

I mean, I wonder she blew us off.

That's not why she blew me off.

Oh, yes it is.

No, it freaked me out.

I thought you were going to propose going on a Disney cruise as a family next.

Oh, hang on a second.

Shot 9-1-1.

Oh.

Look, he is not invested in family at all, but he did raise a daughter who knows her

way around a war game, which I think... I just won.

So, about that.

Captain, I can't in good conscience let a maniac

like you out on the street without my guidance.

Therefore, the mentorship is yours.

Congratulations.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

So, looks like Shoutover rode my Shrek band on the bass and he says we have to

show the film tonight because it has generational importance.

Shrek, I love Shrek.

Oh, like Myers.

He's our guy.

He's our Canada guy.

Can I come and see it?

I haven't seen it.

Sure, I'll just tell Shout to save us a couple seats.

I'm so excited.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

Great.

You're going to watch Shrek?

Yeah, if she's watching it, I'll watch it.

Okay.

It's, what is he?

He's a giant fat frog, right?

Mm-hmm.

You made the right choice, Shaw.

I'm glad we didn't have to kill you.

You know, I always wanted to date somebody

that was basically the female version of me.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, can I touch your callus again?

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Last and final offer, Colonel.

I'll agree to one shared holiday.

I'll give you Boxing Day.

Any 24-hour rendezvous can turn into a 48-hour rendezvous, but at that point,

the clock resets, and it's a mutually agreed-upon 72-hour cooling-off period.

Fine.

Okay.

In terms of endearment, I will accept special someone, main squeeze,

gal pal.

I'm never going to say gal pal.

Done.

All right.

Lock the doors.

Let's test the bounds of this agreement.

It's going so well!