Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to guess what the day special will be based on the staff's prep work.

It's not exactly fun, but it's something.

Thor hoping Jay finally takes the whole

suggestion and puts Rams' test scores on menu.

And what is Gabe doing?

Gabe is waiting to come down from whatever he smoked on his break.

He says he's speaking telepathically to the cauliflower.

This man should not have access to knives.

Sorry I'm late.

Last night I took my date to that ice cream shop next to the animal shelter.

The teared up.

Looking at those senior dogs in the window.

And then it was game on.

You're such a sleaze.

An ice cream slash puppy cuddle double-header is exactly

the kind of move T-Money would have pulled in this prime.

The ice cream doesn't melt, but the panties do.

Why doesn't the ice cream melt?

I don't know, Pete.

Just let me have a catchphrase.

You get everything I requested for tonight's special?

Sure did, Cobra.

Oh, here we go.

Yes!

All right, Rams' testicles!

Dinos eat well tonight.

Thorpin, those are Brussels sprouts.

They're vegetables.

And people eat.

They're gonna be sick.

Sam, remember how I have a daughter now?

Well, she came to visit, and while she was here, you texted her from my phone,

pretending to be me, and said that the man who raised her wasn't her real father,

and that you were, and then I had to take the blame.

So, yeah, I remember.

Well, great news.

I saw on Instagram that she lost her job, so you can hire her here at the restaurant.

Oh, boy.

Trevor wants us to hire his daughter as a server at Mahesh.

Uh, too bad we spent all our money fixing the stripper-shaped hole in the roof.

I know it's not technically possible, but I swear that hole had abs.

What if I pay her salary?

I have the money for my finance job.

Trevor says he'll pay Abby's salary.

He just wants to be around her.

It's actually kind of sweet.

Yeah, okay.

It meets a really good deal.

Yes.

You won't regret this?

Okay, well, we don't even know if she'll take the job.

I just appreciate that you're gonna ask her.

And while he's saying yes to things, maybe we

should hire her hot friend Brooke as a hostess.

Ew, Trevor, that's your daughter's friend.

I'm new to the whole girl-dad thing.

I'm learning on the job.

Good note.

So, how are things going with you and Pete?

I mean, good, but since we both have roommates, we don't have anywhere to make out.

Oh, so you two are still just at the kissing stage.

Okay, well, FYI, there's more.

I know all about it, because, you know, I did it with Joan.

Oh, and she was so satisfied.

She still hasn't come back.

That's impressive.

Attention, everyone.

Creepy Dirk has an announcement.

I'm running for re-election.

What's he talking about?

You guys don't remember?

Four years ago, Dirk beat Isaac and Albert and became ghost representative.

You had a resort to flamory to beat me, which is the ultimate compliment.

Anyways, Dirk's four-year term is up, and I'm running his re-election campaign.

And we're just up here to press the flesh, as they say, in the politics game.

Alberta, would you like to press my flesh?

I'm good.

Isn't the position just ceremonial?

I know, originally, it was supposed to be the ghost that communicates with Sam,

but now it's just an empty figurehead position.

I mean, who would even run?

Not to head into it, my own horn.

But I believe Destiny has chosen me for this moment.

If the upstairs ghosts can line up behind me and we don't split our vote again,

I shall prevail.

So here I am, throwing my hat into the ring.

Ooh, that sounds fun.

What does?

Throwing hats into rings.

I'm in too.

No, no, I literally just explained why we shouldn't both do that at self-defeating.

But on the other hand, throwing hats into rings rules?

Yes!

Dibs on Alpert's hat.

Look at my girl, Shana Putem.

I know I can't hug her, but what'd it be weird if I poked her cheek?

We're so thrilled that you were able to fill the position at me.

Yeah, you caught me at a bit of a rough moment.

I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my job, and my roommate adopted a bunch of ferrets.

I had a bunch of ferrets once.

Oh, that coat was the envy of E-61st Street.

Well, we're lucky to have you.

I'm a bit confused why you reached out to me, though.

Because waiters are very easy to find, and I've never done it before.

I think she's delicately asking if you have a weird

obsession with her, which honestly affects support.

Well, we saw some of your recent posts, and we noticed

that you were having kind of a tough run of it.

And to be totally honest, I still feel bad about... how do I say this?

Almost destroying her family last time she here?

How things went when you visited.

Well, yeah, I'm happy to work here.

But there need to be some very clear boundaries

set, because last time things got very weird.

Understood.

Sam, I promise I will not make you look like a freak again.

Thank you.

Is what you could have said in response to what I said, it's just sort of polite?

Yes, you're not a freak who can see ghosts.

You're merely an annoying, etiquette hawk.

Well played.

We're off to good starts.

Flower, listen, I'm concerned that if we both run for ghost representative,

we'll split the upstairs boat, thus extending creepy dark's reign of ickyness.

Look, Isaac, when I first threw my hat in the ring, I'll admit, I thought it was

literally about hats and rings, and just checking where it's not done.

No, sweetie, this is about running for elective office.

Which I dig.

My whole vibe was about affecting change.

Us hippies, we weren't just doing acid and having orgies for fun.

We were doing those things to protest Nixon.

Why don't you two have a primary?

To pick which of you will run against Dirk in the general.

That way you won't have to split the upstairs ghost boat.

Interesting.

And any primary would of course feature that grandest of political traditions.

The debate.

Flower, do you accept this challenge?

Okay.

Then it's settled.

It shall be I, someone who has committed the entire works of Aristotle to memory,

versus Flower, who is currently staring at a lamp.

Oh, I was wondering why this TV show had gotten so lamp heavy?

Look at her, she's nailin' it!

And she's only 298 months old.

Hey girl, the customers are loving you.

Must be that famous left-go-it's charm.

What do you mean?

Oh, Bella, that's gonna be a tough one to explain.

Because, you know, when they hosted your biological father's memorial here,

a lot of people talked about how charming he was.

So that's how I know.

Not because he personally charmed me.

How could he?

He's dead.

Yes, she pulled off.

What's up?

I'm Neil, I'm one of the cooks.

Oh, what's this?

Could be innocent, we don't know.

You're new here, right?

No, I've been here for months, I'm just really good at blending in.

Funny, thank you.

That's a dangerous combination.

Come on, this is flirtatious.

No, she's just being nice, he's too old for her.

She just took her behind here.

It is on.

Well, I can show you around the town after work, if you like.

But only if you answer one question correctly.

What's that?

Do you like ice cream?

Yeah,

it doesn't like ice cream.

Great.

Ice cream means sex.

In order to help you with your debate against Isaac, we'll ask questions that

could come up with the debate and you just do your best.

Oh, question one.

The shaft and light in the upstairs den.

It's always been first come, first served.

But do you think that's fair?

Or should we have designated times like we do with the TV?

Oh, I know this one.

Seven.

What's that?

Teen?

Seventeen.

But those are just numbers.

Red?

Child or girls and... Yeah!

No, no, no!

Whoa!

How?

Are you okay?

I'm more worried about Gabe.

I think I need to sit down.

The most stoned man in the world just got floured.

Is he going to be okay?

Hmm.

He paused an interesting question, sisapis.

Based on his prodigious use of mind-altering substances, I'd have to

assume that he's an extreme outlier in terms of

his capacity to metabolize THC and psilocybin.

What the hell does happen?

I think flour got smart, but because Gabe walked over?

How does that work?

As I currently feel sober, I can only surmise that Gabe's impressive tolerance

has caused him to absorb the entirety of my intoxication.

Okay, so are you just going to be smart from now on?

Based on what I've witnessed in my time here, these

metaphysical side effects are always temporary.

I have no reason to believe this will be any different.

Then let's get you to that debate.

What was in that pop-tart?

I'm just gonna take a nap.

No, Pete, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna have a

dedicated room for the ghosts to make out in.

What'd it help if I told you we already have a name for the room?

It's Smooch City.

He told me, and now you have to know.

Ugh.

Sam, I need you to fire a nailboard for the restaurant closest tonight.

It's gonna take Abby out for ice cream.

Ice cream, Sam!

That doesn't sound so bad.

Look, that's his big move.

The guy is a dog.

Jay, Trevor is worried because Neil asked

Abby out, and I guess he's a bit of a player.

He carries five condoms in his wallet.

From the outside, it looks like the Olympic rings.

Abby's a grown woman, and a restaurant's not like normal workplaces.

Chef's work hard, they got to play hard.

I got some stories for you about other people.

Third party, very distant.

Don't companies today have policies against dating in the workplace?

Yes!

My investment firm certainly does.

I know because I got reprimanded for posting

that hot or not list in the company slack.

The ghosts are suggesting we institute a policy about dating in the workplace.

Sam?

Please.

I just... I don't want her to get her heart broken by some jerk.

He's really worried about Abby.

Come on, it's his daughter.

Okay, our cheese.

Okay, fine.

Well, maybe we can tell everyone there's a mandatory

meeting about HR stuff and we can sneak the new policy in.

Yes!

In my day, HR referred to Heath Rutherford, who was in charge of dumping

cold water on young factory workers asleep at the loom.

That is the downside of employing children.

They are always napping.

Okay, welcome to the first Upstairs Ghost Primary Debate.

We'll begin with opening statements, Isaac.

You have the floor.

Thank you, everyone, for attending.

Democracy works best when all participate.

White male landowners and others.

Okay, that felt like an applause line, but no matter.

Now, flour.

Which style of debate would you like to engage in?

A debate is a sort of formalized exchange of ideas.

Thank you, Isaac.

I'm equally comfortable in Lincoln Douglas, British parliamentary or Oxford style.

You can choose.

Uh... No, she's speaking gibberish when you stop this.

Okay, now it's time for our first question.

Yes, I have one.

Who are you and what in the hell have you done with flour?

I maintain that all of us have within us the ability to rise and meet the moment.

If elected, I would follow the words of Cicero.

Salus Populai Supremalak's esto.

The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law.

What is happening?

Is she so cogent?

Okay, our next question comes from Sasapis.

Let's say a ghost wanted to smell pizza, but Sam refused to order one.

How would you, as ghost representative, handle that?

I'll take this one.

As a ghost, I would be powerless to help.

Therefore, I would advise you to surrender, which, not to brag,

I am incredible at.

Thank you.

Uh, flour, same question.

Scratch and sniff stickers employ a process known as micro-encapsulation to

capture various scents, including pizza, in two-dimensional objects.

I would convince Sam to keep a number of these on hand

and then Trevor could activate them using his ghost power.

Ah!

Ah!

It's some flour!

It's some flour!

It's some flour!

It's some flour!

It's some flour!

I say!

Okay, well, thanks everyone for gathering.

I'll try and keep this brief.

It's just a quick update on our new dating and the workplace policy.

I'm sorry, we have a dating and the workplace policy?

We do now.

And I support it 100%, whatever it is, because of my respect for women.

Thank you, Mark.

What are you doing here?

I heard there was a seminar on sexual harassment, and

that is a subject I am always looking to improve on.

And by improve on, I mean get better at doing it.

Great tush, by the way.

Is this new policy because of me and the Linen's lady?

No.

Then is it because of me and Gabe?

Did we hook up?

You met my parents.

Look, this isn't about anyone in particular.

Just going forward, the new policy is we don't allow for workplace relationships.

Did you hear that Neil and I are supposed to get ice cream tonight?

No. That was not on my radar?

But it would be prohibited under the new policy.

So there was no policy.

And now there is a policy just a few hours

before Neil and I are supposed to hang out.

And you're telling us now in an emergency HR meeting.

That's just a series of coincidences.

Ooh, this is a damning fact pattern.

This is very weird and very messed up, Sam, but honestly, I'm not surprised at all.

Abby, wait.

I think people should be allowed to date who they want.

She's a woman, too.

I'm supporting women.

Do you want to kiss?

Oh, my God.

We just came back from the vote and you won in a landslide!

That's incredible!

What did I win?

Was it best to smile?

In the commune, I won three years in a row.

But then I got high and chipped my tooth on a rock

that looked like an apple but tasted like a rock.

Welcome back, Flower.

It's actually really good to see you again.

Oh, we missed you, you knucklehead!

So, do you remember anything from when you were smart?

I just remember this overwhelming feeling of futility.

Like I was hyper-aware of how powerless we are and how

we're trapped here forever with absoluting no idea why.

Do you guys ever think about that?

Constantly?

It was bleak, man.

Oh, yeah, it's incredibly depressing.

What is?

Oh, that TV show about the lamp is on again.

Oh, I've seen this episode.

It's a classic.

So, she just bummed us out and now she's back in the happy land.

I can vault.

She's packing Sam to something.

Hey, Abby, have you got a sec?

Oh, wait, is there another boundary you want to cross?

Or do you want some blood so you can map my DNA?

Look, I'm sorry that I meddled again.

It's just... the thing is... the thing is... Just tell her.

Seriously?

What do you have to lose?

What are you talking about?

Do it.

Your father is a ghost who haunts this mansion,

and I know that because I can see ghosts.

It really sounds nuts when she says it out loud.

She just blurts it out.

Meanwhile, my mother was institutionalized for menstrual cramps.

You people are crazy.

Please never contact me again.

I'm leaving now.

No, not Abby.

Wait!

Look, I had the same reaction when they told me.

But then Sam proved it by having one of the

ghosts tell her everything that was in my purse.

Sam, are there any ghosts in here right now?

Hedy, Thorfen, and Trevor.

Your father.

Oh, hi, Trevor.

We have history.

He catfished me.

It's a long story, but basically I was almost your stepmother.

Kayla, please stop talking.

Hedy, do you mind?

Makeup, a nail file, a book of crossword

puzzles, and a string cheese out of its wrapper.

Makeup, nail file, crossword puzzles, and unwrapped string cheese.

All that proves is that you've been snooping

through my things, which is very on brand for you.

This is not a trick.

You can take the bag out of the room and fill it.

Wait, she's my daughter.

I'll prove it to her.

Sam, tell her to look at the pen on the table.

Trevor wants you to look at the pen on the table.

He has the ability to move things.

Okay, yeah, and I bet you have been tied dental floss to that or anything.

Okay, then you picked the object.

I mean, there's no way that we could have rigged everything in this room.

Alright, my water bottle, which I've had with

me all day, so I know you didn't mess with it.

What?

No!

This thing is huge!

Why do girls carry around so much water these days?

The thing is that's a little heavy for Trevor.

Could you possibly pick something lighter?

I know you're full of it.

Okay, okay, fine.

If that's what she wants, fine.

He's trying.

He's impossible.

Come on, Trevor.

I can do it for my daughter.

How are you doing that?

It's Trevor.

He's really strong for a ghost.

And funny.

I'm sensitive.

I'm sensitive.

Is this real?

Yes, I'm here.

He's here.

This is a lot to take in.

I told you he was strong.

Is he pumped right now?

Do they get all like pumped?

You need to either get or fire a therapist.

He says if you'll stay, he promises not to be overprotective.

He just wants to get to know you.

This isn't safe.

And also, he understands if you want to go out with

Neil, but he says he's not good enough for you.

Oh no, I know that.

I was using him for free food.

His contact in my phone is literally Neil, the meal.

Oh, she was going to play the player?

I've never been so proud.

Alone at last.

I thought it would never happen.

Sorry, I didn't realize you two were in here.

But you're staying, okay?

It's just so unfair.

She was off drugs.

How is that legal?

I just got so excited about the idea of finally holding office.

It's what I wanted for over 200 years, but I couldn't even beat flour.

You know, Isaac, if this is what you want, maybe they're still away.

I grew up in the south.

Do you know what carpet bag is on?

Of course.

But explain it for Pete's benefit.

Carpet baggers or politicians from the north

who moved to the south to run for office.

Are you suggesting that I take a presidency in the basement and primary creepy, Dirk?

Yeah, maybe that's just too crazy.

Some women have to be incredibly charming to

defeat a popular incumbent as an outsider.

Incredibly charming.

But that's me.

I shall move to the basement and ingratiate myself with those hideous

schools, and I shan't return until they've chosen

me to run against flour in the general election.

What was that?

I thought you didn't want him to be the ghost representative.

I don't.

But I just got my roommate to move to the basement, which means you and I finally

have that make out space we've been looking for.

Well, in that case, welcome to Smooch City.

This is your mayor speaking.

Unless you want to be mayor in which case, well, this is your deputy mayor speaking.

Stop talking.

Yes, madam mayor.

Hello, besties!

Whoo, what's that smell?

Because I love it!