Original subtitles

There we go.

Are you all right, sir? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Men, the stagecoach is due any second,

and I just got word it's carrying

Fort Courage's monthly payroll.

So be on the alert and keep your rifles handy.

That's gonna be a little difficult

because we didn't bring our rifles.

You didn't bring your rifles?

Don't you remember the time our payroll was stolen?

What will we do if there's an attempted holdup?

We'll hide in the saloon until it blows over.

Agarn, kindly remember that you're a soldier.

Hi, sergeant. Hi, corporal.

Hi, Wilton. Good morning, Jane.

Are you here to meet the stage?

Well, let's just say we're here on official business.

On account of today's stage is carrying

Fort Courage's monthly payroll.

That is supposed to be a military secret.

Here it is, safe and sound. Fort Courage's monthly payroll.

Some military secret.

Wilton, Wilton.

I don't believe it.

It's true. It's really me.

He's kissing another girl right in front of my lips.

Ms. Jane Angelica Thrift, Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke,

Cpl. Randolph Agarn,

I proudly present my sister, Ms. Daphne Parmenter.

Oh, Wilton. Are you all right, sir?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. An honor and a pleasure, ma'am.

I know so much about all of you from Wilton's letters,

I feel like we're old friends.

Are you all right, sis? I'm fine, I'm fine.

That's our cannon. And that's our lookout tower.

And that's our compost heap.

Well, Daf, now that you've seen its highlights,

how do you like Fort Courage?

I think it's adorable.

No, it's just that we don't call a Fort adorable,

y-you call it impressive.

Oh, I guess I was describing it from the feminine viewpoint.

I try to be as feminine as possible,

because I believe that femininity is one of the traits

most males look for in females.

You're absolutely right.

I also try to keep myself well-groomed.

I try the same thing with my horse.

And to be a smooth dancer. Sis.

And a good listener. Sis?

Yes, brother? Stop pushing.

Come on, I'll show you my office.

At ease, Dobbs. This is Trooper Hannibal Dobbs.

My sister Daphne.

How do you do, ma'am? Hi there. Are you married?

No, ma'am, I'm single. Daphne...

Pushing? Yes.

Did you come to Fort Courage to visit your brother?

No, she came here to enlist.

I happened to be in the area of Fort Courage

as part of my grand tour.

Your grand tour of what? Agarn, don't be so nosy.

My mother sent me on a tour of America in search of a husband.

I've been on the road for four long years now

without even a nibble.

Nice weather we've been having, isn't it?

Yup, yup, beautiful. Yes, beautiful.

The days do seem warmer than the nights.

However, in Venezuela, the summers are in winter

and winters are in the summer.

What's your opinion of love at first sight?

I don't know, ma'am. I haven't formed one.

Captain, may I be dismissed to practice my bugle?

Yes, you certainly may.

He's shy, isn't he? Shy but virile.

Should I go after him? No.

Why not?

Wilton, if you'd been on the road for four long years

without a nibble, you'd be in there pushing too.

How do you like my office? Oh, it's adorable.

I'm so proud of my big brother,

I could just bust right out of my corset.

Yeah, well, we're very proud of him too. We are.

Some of us would lay down our lives for him.

Not many, but some.

Wilton, as commanding officer,

could you command Trooper Dobbs to ask me for a date?

No, I definitely could not. Say, what do you hear from Mother?

Oh, she's fine. I got a letter from her last week.

"Dear Daphne. When you get to Fort Courage,

"make Wilton let you use the kitchen

"to bake a batch of Toll House cookies.

"Then get a list of al...

"All members of F Troop who are eligible bachelors.

"Then give those men the cookies.

"Hope that their hearts will be reached through their stomachs,

and that by some miracle, you may get a proposal of marriage."

Daphne,

you have to read that out loud?

You asked me what I heard from Mother, and I told you.

The rest of it is personal.

Trooper Duffy. Yes, sir?

Would you please escort my sister to the mess hall?

She's going to bake cookies. Yes, sir. Immediately.

Dear Mother...

Daphne is here.

Daphne is here.

I'm happy to report

that after four long years on the road,

she is beginning to come out of her shell.

I made a little mess in the mess hall, didn't I?

You sure did.

Duffy, I think maybe we better get a special detail

to clean this mess up, huh?

Right away, sarge. You'll do no such thing.

I believe that kitchen work is woman's work.

Would you pass that on to Trooper Dobbs?

Yes, ma'am.

Confidentially, I find Trooper Dobbs very attractive.

We detected that.

I'm sure that he finds you very attractive too.

Wouldn't you say so, corporal? Absolutely.

But just in case he doesn't,

we've got a lot of troopers who are bachelors.

For example, there's always Trooper Vanderbilt.

Now, Vanderbilt is a little on the nearsighted side,

but a heart of gold.

Never mind Vanderbilt.

Well, then, there's always Trooper Duddleson.

We've got Duddleson, Duffy,

Hogan, Hightower, Anderson, Henderson, Scully and Jones.

Brannigan...

I think that she has got her cap set for Trooper Dobbs.

Okay, okay. Just trying to help.

But if she's been on the road four long years without a nibble

I don't think she ought to put all of her eggs in one basket.

All I'm saying.

Well, I think by now, my Toll House cookies

should now be baked to a light golden brown.

There you are, and thank you.

Yes, well, I'd say that they're kind of a light golden black.

I may have left them in a little bit too long.

Will you try one and tell me what you think?

Oh, well, yes.

Mm. Delicious. Honest?

We must get these on a platter and pass them out

while they're still warm.

Right. Oh, marvelous.

Let's get something a little strong...

I mean, a little bigger, larger.

You sure that you don't need any help to clean this up?

Oh, I'm positive. All right, fine. Come on.

Don't forget to save some for Trooper Dobbs.

Yes.

Where should we begin? Nowhere.

What do you mean?

Here, take a taste. See what I mean.

There we go. Thanks.

Have I got any teeth left. They're fine.

Now what do you think of Ms. Parmenter's

Toll House cookies?

Well, they taste like they were made from real houses.

Why did you say they're delicious?

I lied, that's why. I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

Listen, we gotta get rid of these in some... Oh, oh.

I got an idea how we can kill two birds with one stone.

Sarge, you can't throw these at innocent birds. That's cruel.

Crazy Cat, I tell you for last time.

I not interested in buying canoe.

But, chief, Hekawi should have canoe.

Never. Why not?

If you never have canoe,

not get caught up creek without a paddle.

But, chief, what's the use of being Indian

if you don't have a canoe?

You wasting your time, Crazy Cat.

But at least take a look.

You seen one canoe, you seen them all.

Oh, but this one very special, chief.

New kind of construction.

Made from special kind of bark of tree.

Guaranteed first unsinkable canoe.

But still could be very bad.

Canoe can hit rock. Tip over.

I fall in river... You know I can't swim.

I drown, and tribe get new chief.

When you get to the bad part?

O'Rourke, we tired of excuses.

You 10 days late with money for firewater.

We had some unexpected expenses. We had to replace three tables.

You tell him, Agarn.

Broken in a friendly poker game over three heads.

Now, we promised to pay, you know that. We promised.

By the next moon at the latest.

Never mind with the moon. You pay next Tuesday.

You got yourself a deal.

To show you that we appreciate your cooperation,

we brought a present.

Here, wait a minute. Show him, Agarn.

What these are? Baby cannonballs?

What for you give us cannonballs when we have no cannon?

Those are not cannonballs. Those are Toll House cookies.

Home-baked.

How many times I have to tell you? Chief first.

Now, tell the truth. Are they yummy or are they yummy?

Just like mother used to make.

It was sweet of you to invite me to lunch

so Daphne and I can get better acquainted.

Even if I had to cook lunch myself.

Except why can't we eat in the mess hall with Trooper Dobbs?

Because officers and enlisted men eat separately.

How about if you eat separately,

and Jane and I eat with Trooper Dobbs?

I have a crush on him,

but so far he doesn't seem to reciprocate.

I know the feeling.

Daphne... Oop! Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, good old silly Willy, as careless as ever.

Is that what you call him, silly Willy?

I call him silly Willy, and he calls me daffy Daphne.

Ha, ha. You did it too.

Have you heard I've been on the road four long years

in search of a husband without even a nibble?

No, I haven't. Daphne, please.

Let's not air the family linen in public.

Why not? I'm not ashamed of it.

What's so unusual about a woman desperate to be married?

Nothing.

A heart full of love, and a trunk full of cookie recipes.

Come in.

Captain, sir. Ladies.

Sorry to disturb you, captain, but we've got an emergency.

We have? Yes, sir.

We're getting serious smoke signals from the Hekawi camp.

Let's see.

Hi there, Hannibal. Hi.

How did you like my cookies? I didn't have any.

You didn't?

The other bachelors ate them all up.

And they said they tasted just like mother used to make.

Sergeant, would you read the smoke signals?

Yes, sir. It says:

Attention, F Troop. Attention, F Troop.

Wild Eagle in... Heap big trouble.

Chief Wild Eagle very sick in stomach.

Him got... What him got?

What that mean? Bellyache.

Big news. How you know it's bellyache?

You call O'Rourke and Agarn come quick,

with paleface scientific know-how.

O'Rourke and Agarn come quick.

Bring a paleface scientific know-how.

Sergeant O'Rourke, Corporal Agarn, to your horses.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Uh, sign it: Sincerely yours, Crazy Cat,

future Hekawi chief.

Hey, Craze...

As acting Hekawi chief, me bid you welcome.

As you ride crooked trail of life,

may head of buffalo and nose of antelope guide you...

All right, never mind the small talk. Where is Wild Eagle?

Oh, in tepee. Worse. Sinking fast.

What's new at Fort Courage?

Take us to him. And on the double.

Say please. Me acting chief.

Oh, we'll knock you down.

Give him a please.

Please.

That better. Follow me.

Stop.

Wild Eagle say stop.

Me not know who you are behind that mask.

You have some nerve call yourself specialist.

Get lost.

What did he say? Have to charge for tepee call.

How do you feel? Me feel awful bad, O'Rourke.

Where does it hurt?

In right side of stomach.

Cookie poisoning.

How many of those cookies did you eat?

Five, six, maybe 10.

What'd you do with the rest of 'em?

Me gave to Hekawi children to show what mother used to make.

Any of the children get sick?

No, just former chief Wild Eagle.

At least that proves it wasn't the cookies.

Maybe it's his heart.

Agarn, a man's heart is not on the right side of his stomach.

With him, you never know.

Appendicitis.

How does this feel?

That's it, appendicitis.

If you've got what I think, you've got to have an operation.

Here, use my knife.

Agarn and I are gonna go get a paleface medicine man,

and we'll get back just as soon as we can, all right?

You just stay right there and... And don't move.

Stop pushing.

Stop pushing.

The nearest surgeon is in Gulch City.

How far is that? Twenty miles.

You'll have to ride like the wind.

Here are the fresh horses.

Isn't he gorgeous? Which one?

Trooper Dobbs.

Let's go.

As long as the fort gates are open,

why don't you and I take a little walk

and sit beside some shady brook?

I'd like to, ma'am, but I'm on duty.

Wilton, can Trooper Dobbs have a two-hour pass?

Yes, he may.

Jane, would you like to take a little walk

and sit beside some shady brook?

I'd love it. Good, good.

Dobbs and I will walk up ahead and look out for rattlesnakes.

Your brother sure has a lot to learn about double-dating.

Hey, doc, you gotta come with us right away.

Come on, doc. Wake up, wake up.

Save your breath. The man is drunk.

You're right, sarge. I thought it was cough syrup.

We ride 20 miles to find a surgeon, find him drunk.

What are we gonna do, sarge?

We're gonna sober him up. That's what we're gonna do.

Go see if that coffee is hot.

All right, come on, let's shape up here and pull yourself...

Pour out a mug, keep it coming. Black.

You got work to do. You got a man's life to save.

Here, straighten up, all right?

Drink this. It'll make you feel better.

That's the way.

Now, you've got a man's life to save, do you hear me?

Come on, you cheap miserable drunk you.

I'm appealing to his sense of pride.

You got an appendectomy to perform, or the patient may die.

Just keep saying to yourself, "I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.

I took a solemn oath to serve my fellow man."

Reach down inside yourself

and pull up the last shreds of human dignity.

Who, me? No, no, him.

Where am I? You're in your office.

I am not. I'm in my brother-in-law's office.

Dr. D. Mordecai, and he's gone on vacation.

I came in here just to get drink of coffee...

Here they are. Okay.

Where's the surgeon? It's a sad story.

Captain, no surgeon. The doctor's away on vacation.

I see. Very well.

We'll have to take out Chief Wild Eagle's appendix ourselves.

The only question is how.

We borrowed all the necessary equipment,

and a medical textbook with instructions.

Good thinking, men. Very well, let's go.

Dobbs, I'm leaving you in charge of the fort.

And we can take along Jane and Daphne to act as nurses.

We'll pick up Jane on the way. Do I have to?

Hannibal's just beginning to warm up to me.

He can warm up to you later. Come on.

Bye-bye, Hanny, see you soon.

What keeping them?

What keeping them?

Maybe they forget.

Stop pushing. O'Rourke and Agarn not forget.

They not want Wild Eagle go happy hunting ground.

How's the chief?

Old chief not so hot. New chief fine.

Listen, Wild Eagle, we couldn't find the paleface medicine man,

but we're gonna make you better ourselves.

Wild Eagle, I'd like to present my sister.

She's here on a visit, Ms. Daphne Parmenter.

I'm looking for a husband.

I've been on the road four long years...

Daf, we don't have time for that now. We have to get to work.

Craze, we need a lot of light.

Get all the torches that you can find.

Here, Jane, look up appendicitis in there,

and read the directions aloud.

Who's gonna be the doctor? I am.

As commanding officer, it's my duty.

Yeah, and I'll be the anesthetist, and the...

You stand by and help your brother.

I know what I'll do. What?

I'm gonna wait outside. I can't stand the sight of blood.

All right, folks, let's have total silence.

The slightest noise could cause a fatal slip of the knife.

All right, now,

while we wait to make sure he's really out,

let's have a practice run.

Go on.

"The appendix is a narrow tube about the size of a goose quill,

"with an average length of three inches.

"To remove it, first make the incision

through the wall of the abdomen."

Scalpel.

Ow! Not so hard.

Carry on with the practice.

Sponge.

Nice going, sis. You got him right in the incision.

May I suggest that Ms. Parmenter reads the instructions

and Janey assists me, and that I do the operation.

Well, then what will I do? How's it going?

We haven't even started yet.

Sergeant, you take care of that patient

and I'll take care of this one.

Well, that's it. You finished just in time.

Yeah.

Chief, it's all over. You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be all right now.

It's all over.

He's going to be as good as new.

A wise old Indian saying:

When tail of coyote wags at foot of possum,

bluebird of happiness will fly no more.

I'm not sure I understand what that means.

Craze, you tell him.

Means him win, me lose.

Well, sis, bon voyage. And good luck in nursing school.

Oh, thank you.

I hope I'm not wrong about

discovering something better to do

than traipse around the country on an endless manhunt.

Well, you'll probably find a man in nursing school.

You mean a male nurse? A doctor.

It's possible.

And then again, it's possible

I found my prince charming right here.

Will you write to me? Yes, ma'am.

How often? Twice a month.

Fair enough. I'll write to you five times a week.

Goodbye. Goodbye, sis.

Goodbye, ma'am. It's a pleasure.

It was lovely. Oh.

Au revoir. Au revoir.

Au revoir.

Goodbye, goodbye. Oh.

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop!

Sweet kid, but she's a little clumsy.