Original subtitles

Hey, sarge, while you're out

on this buying assignment for the troop,

you can be doing some business for O'Rourke Enterprises.

I don't know why everybody says you're so dumb, Agarn.

You sure you don't want me to go along with you?

When I'm buying horses for this troop,

you are the one man in this outfit I don't need.

Now that's hitting below the saddle strap, sarge.

You've been in the cavalry for nine years

and still don't know your withers from your fetlock.

Do you mind lowering your voice?

Why? Everybody knows you don't know anything about horses.

Yeah, but my horse doesn't.

Don't listen to a word he says, Barney.

Sergeant? Oh, yes, sir.

All set, sergeant? Right, sir.

Hey, who says I'm dumb?

Agarn.

While you're buying these horses,

I wonder if you could pick out one for me.

Certainly. What would you like?

I'd like something in a nice,

high-spirited chestnut.

Right, sir. I think I'd like a palomino.

Now, what do you want with a palomino?

Because any palomino is a pal of mine-o.

That's very good, Agarn. Thank you, sir.

You had your laugh. With the captain's permission, I'll go.

Good luck, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Come on, boy. Here.

Hey, sarge.

Be sure you check all the withers and fetlocks.

Well, you certainly know a lot about horses, corporal.

Well, when you've been around them as long as I have...

You know, I always forget what they call that part.

That part right there? Well, that part is called...

Everybody knows that. Good heaven, sir.

The stagecoach is arriving. Really?

Yes, sir. Oh, you're right, corporal.

Jane, Jane.

What's all the excitement about? Has the stage arrived yet?

No. Oh, good, we're just in time.

Well, who are you meeting? No one. It's Corporal Agarn.

Me, sir? I thought it was you who wanted to meet the stage.

No, corporal. I... I don't know.

I was asking you what they call this part of the leg here.

That's the shin bone connected to the ankle bone.

Connected to the knee bone...

I know, I know, corporal. I know.

Here's the mail, wrangler. Uh, I'll take it, driver.

Wilton, are you all right? I'm fine, I'm fine.

I didn't realize we had that many men who could write.

Oh, we've got a lot of men who could write.

It's a shame more of 'em can't read.

Well, driver, that was a fine journey indeed.

Thank you very much. That's it, you can go along now.

Ah, well, now.

My, that face looks familiar. It certainly does, I...

Don't tell me, don't tell me. Uh...

I've got it! You're Sergeant O'Rourke's father.

Bright lad, and you must be Corporal Agarn.

I don't know why they say you're so dumb.

Well, it's certainly a pleasure to meet you, sir.

Well, now.

Why, he's a spitting image of his son.

And you must be Wrangler Jane.

All right, now tell me, has this fine lad

asked for your hand in marriage yet?

Well, no, he hasn't. Don't you worry about a thing.

I'll have him on his knees before I leave

for the old sod again.

Now, where's me boy?

He's on a horse-buying assignment.

He didn't know you were coming. I wanted to surprise the lad.

Oh, now, don't you worry, I'll send out

two men immediately to bring him back.

That's good. Now, would someone show me to me son's quarters?

Your son... Well, sir, I think you'd be much more comfortable

at the hotel here in town.

I'm an army man, you see.

The past commander of the home guard, yes.

After a couple of days in your fort,

I'll have all your troopers as sharp as the IRA.

Actually, Mr. O'Rourke, you see, it's against...

Wait a minute, I...

Tell me, lad, are you Irish? No, sir. I'm not Irish.

More is to pity. Well, now who's gonna show me to me quarters?

I'd be glad to. That's a good girl.

That's a good girl. Yes, yes, here we are.

Who says I'm dumb?!

Corporal, I want you to send out two troopers immediately

and bring Sergeant O'Rourke back. Yes, sir.

I think it would be nice for the sergeant to see his father.

And it would be nice for the father to see the son.

And it'll even be nicer when that old man

gets back in the stagecoach.

Hey, Agarn, listen to what I just learned

on my bugle this morning.

Now, don't tell me.

"Reveille"? No.

"Assembly"? No.

I give up, what is it? "Mother Machree."

"Mother Machree"?

Mr. O'Rourke taught it to me. He's even teaching me Irish.

Sure and begorra mean anything to you?

Sure and begorra, I'm gonna wrap that bugle around your head.

Come in.

Captain Parmenter. At ease, corporal.

Did I just hear Dobbs playing "Reveille"?

No, sir. That was "Mother Machree."

"Mother Machree"?

Yes, sir. Mr. O'Rourke taught it to him.

I tell you, captain, that old man

is trying to take over the fort.

Come now, corporal. Teaching Dobbs

to play "Mother Machree" isn't so bad.

As a matter of fact, it's rather a nice tune.

♪ Love the dear silver That shines in your hair ♪

♪ Oh, God bless you ♪

♪ And keep you ♪

♪ Dear Mother ♪ Captain.

♪ Machree ♪

Captain, captain.

Oh. That's not all he's doing.

He's got the cook making Irish stew.

He's got half the troopers doing an Irish jig.

And he's got the other half out

in back of the fort planting shamrock seeds.

I didn't realize he'd be this much trouble.

Trouble? Ha, ha, ha.

I can't help it. It's funny.

He had them paint the flagpole green?

Sir, he wants them to paint the whole fort green.

Well, I'll have a talk with him,

just as soon as I get this letter off to headquarters.

Sir, if we don't get rid of that old man,

we may be at war with England.

Any word from the two troopers who went out

looking for Sergeant O'Rourke?

No, sir. I think Privates Gilbert and Sullivan got lost.

We've got to get somebody to find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Well, sir, I sent out Privates Lewis and Clark.

As soon as they find Gilbert and Sullivan,

I'm sure they'll find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Well, now, top of the morning to you, captain.

And you too, corporal. The rest of the day to you, sir.

Nice to see you again, Mr. O'Rourke.

Thank you. There's a fine lot of lads

that you've got at this fort, sir. You should be very proud.

Oh, I am, sir. I'm very proud of F Troop.

Are you? Are you sure you're not Irish?

No, sir. I am not Irish.

Oh, yes. Oh, captain, I wonder if you could

order me just a bit more of the green paint.

More green paint? I got it, captain!

Stand back!

Fire brigade. Come, lads, now, fire brigade.

Mr. O'Rourke. I can't believe

the fire brigade didn't hear me.

My voice has been known to carry from County Cork to Killarney.

We don't have a fire brigade. You don't have a...

Well, you will have now, me lad.

Hey, lads, gather around. Rally around here, boys.

That's it, that's it.

That's fine. Right there, lads. That'll be fine, right there.

Now, look alive. Look alive, be handy now.

Now, I'm gonna give you all

the benefit of me experience of 25 years

as the chief of the volunteer fire brigade of County Galway.

Mr. O'Rourke, how come firemen always wears red suspenders?

Well, now, I... I do believe that's the first time

the question's been asked.

It won't be the last.

Anyway, never mind about the suspenders.

Now we're going to have some instructions in ladder climbing.

What I want you to do is pair off in twos

and take the ladders off the wagon

and put 'em up next to the barn there.

All right, let's look alive. That's the way we go.

Hurry, here we go.

All right, now look alive here. That's the way to go.

I'm gonna time you now, so go for it.

What can be so difficult about taking a ladder off a wagon?

All right, get that ladder in there.

All right.

Hold it there. Hold it! That's enough of the ladder drill.

All right, that's enough. That's enough.

Everybody on their feet now. That's the way to go.

Hey. How did we do on time, chief?

Time? Time, oh.

Well, you... You might say you stopped the clock.

Now that we've got the ladder drill down, what do we do next?

Well, now I think it's time for... For the bucket brigade.

Morning, Wilton. Hi, Agarn. Hi, Jane.

Oh, oh, you're wearing a dress, Jane. What's the occasion?

No occasion. Papa O'Rourke says there's an old Irish saying:

"As long they made colleens different than they did lads,

"it's up to the colleen to show the lad

where the difference is."

You two have become pretty friendly, haven't you?

Oh, yes. He knows all about

breaking down a man's resistance.

He does? Yes.

♪ When Irish eyes Are smilin' ♪

♪ Sure 'tis like A morning spring ♪

♪ In the lilt Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear The angels sing ♪

I've told you, not in front of the men.

♪ When Irish hearts... ♪

You keep that up and Papa O'Rourke is...

♪ Seems bright and gay ♪

I have important military matters.

♪ And when Irish eyes Are smilin' ♪

♪ Sure to steal Your heart away ♪

All right, now, men. I think we ought to be training

under actual firefighting conditions.

So I'm gonna put a match to that little pile of straw.

And when you see the flames, you'll start the bucket brigade.

Now, inasmuch as me watch is broken,

I'll have to time you by counting.

And by the time I get to a hundred,

you should have the tiny blaze out.

All right, now start... Start the bucket brigade.

Dobbs, you're supposed to let go of the bucket, lad.

Sorry about that, chief.

One, two, three, four...

Wait, wait! Hey, hey, hey.

Somebody put the water on the fire, not on each other, lads.

On the fire, on the fire!

I just can't believe, corporal,

that our men can't find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Oh, I'm sure we'll get some word, sir.

I sent Stanley and Livingstone out to find Lewis and Clark.

Who are still looking for Gilbert and Sullivan,

who can't find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Well, if you don't have word by this afternoon,

send out two more troopers.

We've got to find Sergeant O'Rourke

if it takes every man in F Troop.

Yes, sir. I wanna find him just as much as you do.

Do you smell smoke, corporal?

Yes, sir. I sure do.

We'd better get out, the building's on fire.

Fire brigade. Fire brigade!

Look, captain.

Well, now. Don't give it a thought, me lads.

I'm sure we'll get the hang of it in time.

That's it, that's it, douse it a little up there.

That's a good boy.

Corporal, you've got to get Mr. O'Rourke

out of the fort for a while.

There we go now. That's the way, that's the way.

Don't worry, captain. I'll take him up to the Indian camp.

He's been wanting to see real live Indians

ever since he arrived.

Hey, that's a very good idea, corporal.

The Hekawis are friendly

and we have a peace treaty with them.

The Hekawis? I was planning to drop him off at the Apaches.

Whoa, now. That's good, boy.

Here they are. Real live Indians.

Wait till me cronies back home hear about this.

You'll be the toast of every saloon in County Galway.

You won't have to put me hand in me pocket for a year.

Now, what do you know about that?

A real live Indian village, huh?

Hi, chief. Hi, Craze. Hi.

Boys, I'd like you to... Sergeant, what happened to you?

No, no, no, this is... You look terrible, you look bad.

You look like you got one foot in happy hunting ground.

This ain't Sergeant O'Rourke. It's his father.

Your son should look so good.

This is Chief Wild Eagle of the Hekawi diplomatic call.

Sure is nice to meet you, chief.

Me son has written to me about you.

Has he written anything about me? I'm Crazy Cat.

Oh, yes. He writes me that all the time.

Why don't you take pop on a tour of the village.

You know, show him the tepees,

the bow and arrows, the tomahawks.

Have a couple of boys do a war dance for him, Indian it up.

Sure, be glad to. Come with me, Mr. O'Rourke.

Oh, well now, that's a good lad.

And while we're at it, I'll show you how to make

a nice Irish stew.

Out of succotash?

Look, Wild Eagle,

it'd be a nice thing if you made the old man an honorary chief.

So he'll be a big man when he gets home.

Very happy to make father

of Sergeant O'Rourke honorary chief.

Cost you $10.

Ten dollars? Thought you big spender.

Five dollars and that's it.

For $5 I not even make him honorary squaw.

What's such a big deal?

Put a bonnet on him and tell him

he's Big Chief Hit the Shillelagh.

Bonnets not cheap these days. Big shortage in feather market.

Now don't give me that, chief.

How much trouble is it to run in the woods and grab a turkey?

First must find one.

In old days, used to be four turkeys for one chief.

Nowadays you show me one plucked turkey,

I show you four Indian chiefs.

All right, I'll meet you halfway.

I'll give you $7 and a half

to make the old man an honorary chief.

You got a deal.

But if you see plucked chicken walking around,

you'll know where the old man got his feathers.

Where's Mr. O'Rourke?

I left him up at the Indian camp, sir.

You didn't really take him to the Apaches?

No, sir. He's at the Hekawi camp.

I made arrangements for him to stay there

until Sergeant O'Rourke returns.

Corporal, look. A smoke signal from the Hekawi camp.

I wonder what they're saying. I don't know, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke is the only one who can read smoke.

Chief Wild Eagle is certainly long-winded today.

He hasn't even paused for a comma, a semicolon, or a period.

Chief always was a little weak on grammar, sir.

And do you notice that the smoke signal

this time is awfully black?

I'd say, maybe his blanket caught on fire.

Fire?

Here, here.

My chief, my tribe. What happened?

My tribe. What happened?

Our new honorary chief was organizing a fire brigade.

Sure, and they almost got the hang of it too.

Pop, you got to stop preventing fires

or you're gonna burn down the West.

He took the job away from our own Chief Smokey Bear.

Captain Parmenter,

Hekawis very peaceful Indians, right?

Yes.

We always honor our treaties.

We like children and old folk.

But if you not get him out of here, we go on warpath.

Now, now, now, now, just one moment here, sir.

I wouldn't want to be the chief of a tribe

who is resisting progress.

I wouldn't at that. That's all there is to it now.

Hey, chief, what about that $7 and a half?

You get out of here. All right, all right, all right.

♪ Sure, a little bit Of heaven fell ♪

♪ From out the sky one day ♪

Oh, well, now there we are, corporal.

Any... Any sign of me son? Not yet, Pop.

We got every man in F Troop except me

and the captain looking for him.

Ah, well, don't worry.

If they don't find him, the wee people

will come and tell me where he is.

The wee people? The leprechauns.

Leprechauns?

Now don't tell me you haven't heard of the leprechauns, lad.

The wee folk who live in the glen.

Where'd you see them?

Seen them, I talked to them. When?

Well, every night. On me way home from the pope.

Well, we've got no leprechauns here at Fort Courage.

Well, now there's nothing to worry about.

The leprechauns would never let down Morgan O'Rourke.

No, they'll be along. And when they come,

they'll tell me right where he is.

Oh, sure. They'll be here.

Tell me some... Now, are you sure you're not Irish?

No, no, I'm not Irish. More is to pity.

Why don't you go to sleep, sir?

Oh, now. Yes, there's a good idea.

You and I will have nice sleep, laddie.

And we'll dream of the Emerald Isle.

That's what we'll do.

Who's there?

It's me, sir. Corporal Agarn. Can I come in?

Yes, come in, corporal.

What seems to be the trouble?

Sir, do you mind if I sleep in here with you tonight?

Why wouldn't you wanna sleep in your own quarters?

Well, sir, it's gonna be a little bit crowded in there.

Well, it's only you and Mr. O'Rourke.

He's expecting company. Who?

The wee folk. The wee folk?

That's right, sir.

His friends, the leprechauns. Leprechaun?

Oh, corporal, anybody who'd believe in leprechauns

would believe in Jack and the Giant.

What about Jack and the Giant?

Nothing. You can sleep over there.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Agarn. Good night, captain.

Oh, captain. Yes?

Could I have a drink of milk too?

Corporal Agarn, any sign of the troopers?

No, sir. No sign of any troopers.

Any sign of Sergeant O'Rourke?

No, sir. No sign of him either.

Can't you see anything, corporal?

No, sir. But I can smell something.

What do you smell? Irish stew.

Irish stew?

Hi, Wilton. Look what I brought you.

I know, Jane. We smelled you coming.

I mean, we smelled your pot coming.

No, hey. Jane, I've got military problems here.

Captain, sir. Maybe you ought to send me out

to do some scouting.

Wilton, you can't send Agarn out there alone.

Why, those hills are filled with hostile Apaches.

Just waiting to get their tomahawks

in some unsuspecting soldier.

Jane, I am not going to listen to you

tell me how to assign my men.

Listen to her, listen to her. Sure and begorra, Janey lass,

I do believe you brought a pot of Irish stew.

Yes, Mr. O'Rourke.

You're a very foolish, young man.

If you're not careful, somebody will come and sweep

this pretty colleen off her feet.

Well, it will be a little messy if she's holding that stew.

Sir, at the moment all I am interested in

is finding my troop and your son.

Well, don't worry about a thing now.

If the lads are not back tonight,

I'll go out tomorrow and find me boy myself.

Hey, Janey lass, I do believe I'll relieve you of that

and have a wee snack. Ha, ha, ha.

'Tis a bit of Ireland. 'Tis a bit of Ireland.

Wilton, did you hear what Mr. O'Rourke said?

You can't let him go out looking for his son alone.

Don't listen to her. No, no, she's right, Agarn.

He doesn't know the country.

He could fall into the hands of the Apaches.

No problem, sir. He'll burn down their village.

Agarn, he doesn't even know the country.

He might get lost, and who would find him?

The leprechauns.

Corporal, no matter what Mr. O'Rourke thinks,

the leprechauns are not going to come

and tell him where his son is.

You're gonna have a tough time convincing him.

Well, I'm just going to have to do it.

Wait a minute, Wilton.

You know, Agarn, I don't know why

everybody says you're so dumb.

Who says I'm dumb? Keep it down, Agarn.

Sure and begorra, it's Morgan O'Rourke.

All the way from Galway.

I wouldn't believe it was Morgan O'Rourke

unless I seen it with me own eyes.

Well, now. If it isn't me wee people.

Now, what are you doing here in Fort Courage?

Sure and we've come to tell you

that you should not go looking for your son.

Ah, it is far too dangerous.

We're going to bring him back ourselves.

Oh, are you now?

There's no problem, Mr. O'Rourke.

You can depend on the wee folk.

Yes, I could always depend on the wee folk.

What is it now, have you all gone daft?

Morgan, me boy. You have come home at last.

Well, I'm not so sure of that, Pop.

Well, we're leprechauns.

We've come to have a chat with your father.

We've come all the way from the other side.

Can't you see we're Irish? Our eyes are smiling.

Laddie, I want you to meet me leprechaun friends.

Now, this one here is Captain Parmenter.

And this is Wrangler Jane.

And that there is Corporal Agarn.

We didn't fool you for a minute, did we, Mr. O'Rourke?

Not for a minute, Captain Parmenter.

But you did an old man's heart a lot of good.

I want to tell you, son, you're with a grand bunch here.

That's what you are. They're a grand bunch indeed.

That I know, Pop.

Damn, it's so awful good to see you, Pop.

It's been such a long time.

Ah, Morgan, lad, it's been far too long a time indeed.

Why, you look as fit as a fiddle now.

Hey, Morgan, do you remember:

♪ Sure, a little bit Of heaven fell ♪

♪ From out the sky one day ♪

♪ And it nestled On the ocean ♪

♪ In a spot so far away ♪

♪ Then they dotted it With silver ♪

♪ Just to make it look So grand ♪

♪ And when they had It finished ♪

♪ Sure they called it ♪

♪ Ireland ♪

Now, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Tell me, lad, are you sure now that you're not Irish?

All right, I'm Irish. You don't look it.

Well, I certainly want to thank you, captain,

for your warm hospitality.

Oh, I only wish you could stay with us longer.

But we have to ride out and try to round up our troop.

Well, I understand, me boy.

And goodbye to you too, Corporal Agarn.

And even if you don't look Irish,

you're a fine broth of the bath.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Pop, the stage is coming.

They're coming, Morgan, me boy.

Oh, I'll take that, sir. Oh, thank you.

Ah. Here, lass, now. You do like I tell you.

You see? You keep singing those Irish songs,

and wearing those pretty frocks,

and you making that Irish stew, and you'll get that lad yet.

Thank you, Mr. O'Rourke.

And give my regards to the wee folk.

Thank you very much. There we are...

Look, our lost troopers.

Oh, yeah.

There's Duddleson and Duffy. And Vanderbilt and Dobbs.

And Gilbert and Sullivan. And Lewis and Clark.

And Holmes and Watson.

Wait a minute. There's someone missing.

You're right. Hey, Dobbs. Where's Livingstone?

Oh, don't worry about him, Agarn. Stanley'll find him.