Original subtitles

Sweeney!

Captain Parmenter!

Sorry, sir.

Dobbs!

Trooper Duffy!

It's from that magazine I sent my poem to.

Poem? Remember the Alamo Remember Jim Bowie

Remember Dave Crockett Who never went to St. Louis

Remember the heroes Whose lives they did gave

But always remember Old Jim and Old Dave

And remember Old Al And Old Seymour and Bill

Old Bruno, Old Sigmund Old Tom and Old Phil

And remember Old Nate And Old Conrad and Margie

Margie?!

Why don't you open it and see if they liked it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm doing better anyway. The last time they burned it.

Oh, mother's been baking again.

Oh, captain, it's too bad.

All the cookies got broken in the mail.

No, no, mother breaks them herself.

Doesn't want the post office to go to the trouble.

Randolph Agarn!

That's you.

I'm sorry, sarge.

It's so long since I heard the Randolph,

I thought my first name was corporal.

Maybe it's from your mother.

Why don't you open it and see who it's from?

Hey. It's an absentee ballot. I'm supposed to vote.

Well, I, uh... I don't suppose you men

would like some of my mother's cookies.

Not just right now. - Thank you.

Which one of these guys you gonna vote for,

Dan McGurney or George Bragan?

Me, vote?

What good would my little vote do?

Any way you add it up, Mindy, it still comes out a tie.

I don't get it, Uncle Dan.

It's one chance in a million

that an election can turn out a tie.

Everybody who knows what Bragan stands for

must have voted for me.

Everybody who knows what I stand for

must have voted for Bragan.

And we both know the same number of people.

Now, what happens?

Are you gonna demand a recount and fix it?

Not just yet.

There happens to be one absentee ballot

that hasn't come in yet.

The deciding vote.

I just know he'll be in your corner, Uncle Dan.

I just know it.

I'm not so sure.

He's been away in the Army

stationed in some place called Fort Courage.

Well, whose ballot is it?

It's the ballot of Corporal Randolph Agarn.

So this is Fort Courage.

Well, I'll say one thing for the place.

It makes Passaic look like Paris.

Well, now, now, Mindy.

You know your uncle is here for a very worthy cause.

I still say you could have just sent this Agarn

one of your campaign speeches.

My years in politics have taught me

that there's nothing like the personal touch.

Then let's touch him for his vote and get back home.

Oh, pardon me, miss. I wonder if you could help us.

Why, I'd be glad to.

My name's Wrangler Jane. Howdy, folks.

Howdy.

I'm looking for the commanding officer of Fort Courage.

Oh, that's Wilton.

I mean, Captain Parmenter. I'll take you to him.

Well, I am much obliged.

Follow me, folks.

All right, Anderson, let me see it!

Good boy, Anderson! Did you see that?

Now, Dobbs, make me proud of you.

Now, men, you have just seen a typical example

of someone who wasn't paying attention!

I have just demonstrated how a sneaky Indian

will attack you from the rear!

First night, we'll bivouac along the river here.

And the next night in the foothills right here.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Good.

Howdy, Wilton. You busy? No, no, not really.

They just have a little map problem here.

Well, these here folks were wanting to see him.

Captain Parmenter, I presume? That's right.

Daniel J. McGurney's the name.

The good folks at Passaic call me Derby Dan.

You can too. Have a cigar. Oh, no, thank you, Derby, I...

And you too, lieutenant. Uh, sergeant.

Oh, but you have the officer look.

Oh, and this is my niece, Mindy Dawson,

who also acts as my secretary.

So very pleased to meet you, cap...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

And you too, lieutenant.

Sergeant, ma'am.

I just happened to be passing and thought I'd say hello

to one of my constituents in your command, Randolph Agarn.

Corporal Agarn? Yes.

You see, I'm running for mayor of Passaic.

Really? Corporal Agarn is voting for mayor of Passaic.

Will coincidences never cease?

Sergeant, would you please summon Corporal Agarn, please?

Yes, sir. I believe he's at Indian-fighting tactics, sir.

No, no, no, captain,

I wouldn't think of disturbing your training routine.

We'll just visit our heroic Indian-fighter out in the field.

Ah, well, good. I'll take you to him.

You're very kind, sir. Thank you so much, captain.

Not at all, not at all.

Agarn. Yo, sarge.

There's some folks here from Passaic who wanna see you.

How do you do, son? I am Derby Dan McGurney.

My gosh, you're beautiful.

Oh.

Oh, this is my niece, Mindy.

McGurney. McGurney.

You're on that ballot they sent me.

I most certainly am.

I'm out your way because I believe

that even a candidate for a small-town mayor

should keep his fingers

on the nation's pulse.

Isn't that right, Mindy?

Oh, yes, uncle.

And while he's taking the pulse

I'd just love to get better acquainted with one

of our fighting men from Passaic.

Bet he did more fighting in Passaic

than he's done since he's been out here.

All right, you men, don't just stand there!

Hit that Indian!

And I said to Uncle Dan:

"Uncle Dan, I just know that a handsome, intelligent,

young man like Randolph Agarn will vote for you."

You knew I was handsome and intelligent?

And you hadn't even met me!

Then I can count on you, my boy?

I only regret

that I have but one vote to give to my city.

Just make your mark there, Randolph, honey.

No ink, captain.

Hm?

Oh, wait, I'll get you another bottle.

There you are.

Please, this is a secret ballot.

I love you.

Howdy, Wilton. I brought you another guest.

Bragan!

What are you doing here?

The same thing you are, Dan, old man.

Politics makes strange travelers.

And you must be Randolph Agarn.

You mean the George C. Bragan on this ballot

is the same George C. Bragan I used to see perform

at the old State Theater on Main Street?

Or was it the old Main Theater on State Street?

I am the one and only.

What are you doing running for mayor?

Well, vaudeville's on the decline.

I thought I'd make an appearance in the biggest show of all:

Politics.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised

if this started a whole new trend.

You'll never be a politician, Bragan.

You'll always be just a song and dance man.

You're wrong, McGurney.

I've gotten all the greasepaint out of my blood.

Yeah? ♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum-dum ♪

McGurney, don't do that.

What's the matter?

Is my esteemed opponent afraid his background is showing?

At least my background is a lot sunnier

than the shady past of my worthy adversary.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

No electioneering here, a man is voting.

And this man is voting for me.

So you can just dance yourself right out of here.

My noble foe will pardon my skepticism,

but a vote isn't a vote until it's been voted.

And until then, we both stand an equal chance

of becoming mayor.

Gentlemen, let me understand this.

Uh, Corporal Agarn's vote is going to decide this contest?

Oh, didn't Mr. McGurney mention

that the election came out a tie?

Shame on you, Dan.

It doesn't matter.

Because Randolph's gonna give his vote to Uncle Dan.

Aren't you, Randolph?

This is unfair competition. I demand equal time.

Uh, gentlemen,

Corporal Agarn has not reached a final decision.

I noticed that Tuesday is the deadline,

and he has until then to, uh, exercise his judgment.

Here we go. But, sarge... Now, now, now.

I'm sure that Mr. Bragan and Mr. McGurney

can find suitable quarters in town, huh?

There we are.

What is going on, sarge, will you tell me?

What in the world is going on?

Just the sweetest deal that we have ever run into.

Now, that's no answer.

Why did you stop me from voting for Derby Dan?

I didn't stop you from voting for Derby Dan.

I stopped you from losing us a gold mine.

A gold mine?

Listen, your vote in this election is crucial.

The man that you are going to vote for

is going to be the mayor of Passaic.

Now I get it.

You want me to think it over

and make a wise choice for Passaic.

No, I want you to think it over

and make the wise choice for Agarn and O'Rourke.

Look, you play these two men against each other

for all it's worth,

and your vote will go to the highest bidder.

Well, my vote is not for sale.

Not even if it means a nice, soft, cushiony political job

when you return to civilian life?

Never.

And a high salary?

I just couldn't.

And certain luxuries to, uh, fill your immediate needs?

Well... Like money?

Money?

Lots.

Sarge,

you know anybody who wants to buy a vote?

You know, this place kind of reminds me

of the old Gaiety Saloon in Passaic.

Can I buy you another steak, Randolph?

No, no, three's enough.

Besides, I gotta get back to the fort for chow.

Yes, sir. Those were the good old days.

The good old good old days.

That's what I intend to bring back

if I'm elected, Randolph.

And without incurring any obligations

from stage left or stage right.

Yes, sir. I'm strictly a stage-center man.

Is that good? It isn't bad.

I'm what Passaic needs. A breath of fresh air.

All of New Jersey could use that.

Randolph, you vote for me

and I'll see that you get a lifetime pass

to the old State Theater on Main Street.

Or is it the old Main Theater on State Street?

I'll give you a pass to both of them.

I'll have to think about it.

Now's your chance, Mindy.

I'm counting on you to go to work on him.

That isn't work, uncle. That's child's play.

♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum-da ♪

Out of your blood, eh?

McGurney, don't do that.

Hello, Randolph.

You've been neglecting me.

Well, I'm in the Army, you know.

I know.

There's something about that uniform.

Did I get any gravy on it?

No, it's the way you wear it.

The way it clings to every rippling muscle

of your manly physique.

Randolph, Mmm.

If you vote for my Uncle Dan

I just know that I'd be so grateful,

I wouldn't be able to control myself.

No.

I'll think about it.

Boy, will I think about it.

Corporal Agarn, if I'm elected mayor

I can put you on the ladder to success.

How'd you like to be dogcatcher?

Dog...?

Thought I'd start a little further up on the ladder.

Dog? Really.

Agarn, you're looking at a man who can make you tax collector.

No, I don't think so.

You meet so many unhappy people.

Really, it's...

Sanitation inspector?

When I get out of the Army,

there's gonna be no more inspections.

First assistant to the second vice deputy district attorney.

No, that title will never fit on the door.

All right. Controller.

City planning manager. Fire commissioner.

Who goes there...?

Come on.

Sarge, you never... How'd you make out?

I got 'em up as high as fire commissioner.

Ah, no. There's still plenty of time.

You gotta get something bigger and better than that.

But, sarge,

I always wanted to be a fireman.

Mr. McGurney to see Captain Parmenter.

Oh. Uh.

A captain's work is never done.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr. McGurney?

The question is what can I do for you, captain?

As you may already know,

I'm in a position to get many priorities

for Fort Courage and the men of F Troop.

Ah. Well, we can always use priorities before anything else.

You know how it is with us politicians.

You just drop the right word in the right ear.

Mr. Bragan to see Captain Parmenter.

Good morning, cap...

I do hope I'm interrupting something.

I'll come back when I can talk to you privately.

Now, as I was saying, captain...

McGURNEY: ♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum-da ♪

Don't do that!

Oh, actually, I like the way you dance, Mr. Bragan.

Tell me, how did you do that?

Oh, here, captain. I'll show you.

It's just a few simple steps.

Try this.

That's excellent. Excellent.

How 'bout some soft-shoe?

Yeah.

Captain, I was hoping maybe you could

speak to Corporal Agarn about voting.

Oh, I'm encouraging him to vote, Mr. Bragan.

Maybe you could encourage him the right way.

The show business way.

Wow. Take it, Parmie.

If it's all the same to you, Mr. Bragan,

I think I'll just stay out of Passaic politics.

Corporal, here's my final offer:

a thousand acres of land for you and O'Rourke,

a lifetime annuity for each of you,

jobs for all your relatives,

and you, my friend, will be deputy mayor.

What about those theater passes?

Those too. You have my hand on it.

Uh, we'd prefer something in writing.

I'll give you a signed statement tomorrow.

Good, and that's when you'll get Agarn's vote.

Tomorrow.

Uncle Dan, I have some terrible...

I heard. O'Rourke broke the news.

Well, I'm quitting, throwing in the towel.

The only way I can top Bragan's offer

is to make Agarn mayor.

And the machine wouldn't stand for that.

Well, I'll go arrange transportation home.

Well, anyway, I got a consolation prize from Agarn.

Which is better than having to kiss him.

Quite an Indian bracelet.

I wonder where he could've gotten it.

There's no Indian trading-post in this town.

He said something about him and O'Rourke

having ways of acquiring things from the Hekawis.

How could it be, Mindy, that O'Rourke and Agarn,

soldiers of the United States Army,

are having dealings with the Indians?

You said O'Rourke was shrewd.

Mindy, as my esteemed opponent, George C. Bragan, once observed,

a vote is not a vote until it's been voted.

Hi, chief. Hi. Hi, Crazy.

Hey, the profits are down this month.

Much overhead.

Come on, what overhead did you have this month

that you didn't have last month?

Rain. That's fine.

We got a good thing going here with O'Rourke Enterprises.

True. You scratch Hekawi back, Hekawi scratch yours.

Good idea. Crazy...

Would you scratch right over there?

I got a terrific itch.

All right.

Gotta get back to the fort.

This is election day and he's gotta vote.

What means election day?

What means vote?

Ah, you wouldn't understand about that.

You see, voting is one of the processes

of American democracy.

Oh, voting means taking land away from Indians.

No, no, no.

Voting is where the majority rules.

Any fool know that never work.

Why Hekawis no have voting for chief?

Because chief handed down from father to son.

Me think voting better.

Let's you and I go back to the fort.

Settle this among yourselves.

Why O'Rourke always have to check monthly take?

Him think Hekawis cheat.

Hekawis do cheat, but why him always have to check?

Corporal Agarn.

Ah, ah, ah, now, wait a minute, McGurney.

No matter what it is, it's gonna have to wait.

He's going in there to vote.

Excellent.

Don't forget, Agarn, you vote for Bragan...

Sarge, he's a good loser.

And I'll tell Captain Parmenter

all about your dealing with the Hekawis.

And about your most enterprising O'Rourke Enterprises.

You're bluffing.

Just call me.

Oh, Corporal Agarn, I see you're here to vote.

Come right in. Oh, captain.

When the results of the election are known,

I may want to have a few words with you

concerning a serious infraction of military rules.

Certainly, but I'm sure I can explain everything.

Everything's ready, corporal.

All right, McGurney, you got Agarn's vote.

But, sarge, what about the money?

The jobs, the land, the deputy mayor?

The passes? Remember our necks.

McGURNEY: Just a minute, boys.

I think we ought to have a big celebration

to show the workings of democracy.

What's the biggest place in town?

The saloon.

Fine. I'll meet you there.

Oh, and I wanna invite the captain too,

just in case.

No wonder he's such a good loser.

He always wins.

Bragan, no hard feelings because Agarn voted for me?

All's fair in love and politics.

I sure thought I had him sewed up.

Yeah, the stitches must have come loose.

I just came down to say goodbye to our distinguished guests.

Thank you for your hospitality, captain.

By the way, Derby,

what was that serious infraction of military rules

you were going to tell me about?

Oh, that. It was nothing.

O'Rourke and Agarn very kindly clarified it for me.

Come on, Uncle Dan,

or the stage will leave without us.

Agarn. Agarn.

Agarn, telegram. It's from Passaic.

Well, if it's for me, it's gotta be trouble.

Oh, here. I'll read it.

I don't know anybody in Passaic.

Let's see here.

Let's...

"This is to notify you that your vote has been invalidated.

"All local saloons

"and other places where whisky can be purchased

should have been closed on election day."

What?! Let me see.

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da Boom ♪

Don't do that!

Now what happens, Mr. Bragan?

Well, captain, the election's still a tie.

So it will be up to the city council

to choose between us.

So long.

Bye.

I wonder how Passaic knew that saloon was open.

Oh, well, Washington requested a report

on absentee balloting procedures,

and naturally, I had to give them the facts.

Naturally.

Well, we wouldn't have had it any other way, sir.

Would we, Agarn?

Gentlemen,

I've just had some political news from Passaic.

Passaic? Ha! Where's that?

What's the news?

Well, the city council has made its decision.

They picked George Bragan.

And he's now known

as the dancing mayor of Passaic, New Jersey.

It could only happen in America.

Well, gentlemen, that's all.

You're dismissed.

Yes, sir.

I wonder if a military man could ever make it in politics.

Wilton, this letter just came for you.

It's marked urgent.

Oh, uh, thank you, Jane.

Well, aren't you gonna open it?

I will.

Well, you don't seem very anxious about it.

I-I'll get around to it.

What is it, a love letter?

No. No, it's not a love...

Well, if you must know,

it's a set of instructions on how to fold a map.

Oh, government business.

Could you hold that, please, Janey?

Now, "hold left-hand corner A and fold."

No, that's left-hand... Yeah, left-hand top corner A.

Fold to right-hand top corner B.

Now, uh, "take right-hand section F

and fold to middle section."

See, that's the right half.

Now, "fold"... Okay. All right.

"Fold bottom section to top.

Fold left to right."

I did it. I did it!

Oh, Wilton, you're wonderful.

Oh, it was nothing really.

Well, I guess I'd better

put these instructions away in the file.