Original subtitles

Ah, well, here it is.

This is it, sarge?

This is the ghost town you want us to homestead?

You are now standing in the middle

of downtown Paradise Junction.

Well, if this is paradise, I'd hate to see the other place.

Ah.

Now that we know where the hogs lived,

let's take a look at the residential section.

Very funny.

Looks good to me.

There's a man with vision.

Yeah, 2900 in each eye.

Why don't we just all get on our horses

and ride back to the fort?

Yeah, sarge, you had your laugh.

Oh, now, you're not a man with vision,

I can see that.

Vanderbilt.

Sorry, sarge.

I thought that was my horse.

That's your man of vision, huh?

Wait a minute, you jugheads.

We can make a fortune here.

Selling dust.

Very good, Dobbs. I like that.

You're all forgetting one important thing.

What's that, sarge?

This friend of mine over at the land office

tipped me off that the railroad is gonna run right through here.

Why are you whispering, sarge?

The rats ain't gonna tell nobody.

If that's true, this could really be valuable.

But how do we get the town?

It's simple. Under the Homestead Act,

we just stake it out, we fix it up and it's ours.

Well, I'll go along with the plan

as long as you name a street after me.

You got it, Agarn.

I want one named after me too.

Why do you have to have a street...?

I'm gonna name streets after all of ya.

Now, here's my plan.

Dobbs, you are gonna be

the town blacksmith, barber and dentist.

Hold it!

Dobbs is all wrong for the dentist.

What do you mean he's all wrong?

A dentist is a doctor, right? Right.

A doctor should be intelligent, distinguished.

A man of great dignity and very... Very sensitive hands.

Who'd you have in mind, Agarn?

I'm warning you, Dobbs, one more word

and I'll be the town undertaker and you'll be my first customer.

All right, now, you two quit arguing.

You are gonna be the dentist.

And you are gonna be the doctor. That is that.

Sarge, you know I can't stand the sight of blood.

What am I gonna be, sarge?

You're gonna be in charge of the hotel.

I am? That's right,

there it is right behind you.

The Vanderbilt Hotel

at the corner of Dobbs and Agarn.

With an address like that, you can't miss.

What are you gonna be, sarge?

The town banker. That figures.

I'm the only one in this crowd that understands finances.

You don't have to worry,

you'll get your fair share of the money.

Sarge, what does the Army think about soldiers homesteading

while they're still on active duty?

Uh, yeah, well, you see,

we're not gonna be on active duty.

Well, sarge, we can't all apply

for furloughs at the same time.

No, we're not gonna apply for furloughs.

You see, Article 627 dash 3 of the Army manual clearly states

that any soldier who has had six years of continuous service

may legally buy out of the Army.

Buy our way out of the Army?

It's the only way it can be done, men.

If all of you are going to do it, I'll do it.

I feel the same way.

How about you, uh, Dr. Agarn?

Well, I sure hope my first patient ain't bleeding.

Here we go.

Men, this is indeed a sad day for all of us in F Troop.

Four of our comrades-in-arms

have decided to resign from the service

and return to civilian life.

Now, I know that all of you feel this loss as keenly as I do.

But I'm sure that you'll all join with me

in saying to them

that while they are going to be homesteaders,

they will always have squatters' rights in our hearts.

I said, always have squatters' rights in our hearts.

It's amazing the way those jokes just pop into my head.

Amazing is the word, sir.

Now, I know this is not according to the manual,

but because of the distinguished service

these four men have given F Troop,

I'm ordering the gun crew to give them a cannon salute.

Sergeant Duffy?

Right, sir.

Cannon detail, ho!

Captain, really, that isn't necessary.

I mean, just a simple handshake'd do.

No, no, no. I insist on a cannon salute.

There goes the lookout tower again.

Never mind the lookout tower.

If they hit us, we won't even get a military funeral.

Good work, men.

Sergeant, dismiss the troop.

Troop, dismissed!

Well, that was a very nice gesture, captain.

It's only fitting, sergeant.

Now, just because you've left the service doesn't mean

you're not welcome to come back and visit your old buddies.

Really, come back any time.

Maybe you could drop by for dinner in the mess hall.

We'd love that, sir, but do we have to eat?

Agarn. That's very kind of you, sir.

We want you to feel free to drop in on us

any time at Paradise Junction.

We've even named a street after you, captain.

You did?

That's right.

We call it Square Wilton.

That's Wilton Square.

That's right, sarge.

I guess we'd better be going, sir.

We'll keep in touch.

Right, sergeant. I mean, Mr. O'Rourke.

Sir, before we go

do you mind if we all give you one final salute?

Not at all, Agarn.

Dismissed.

Dobbs, you lead Vanderbilt over to Paradise Junction,

we'll meet you there.

We got a stop to make.

Right, sarge. I mean, partner.

Oh, just a minute, Mr. O'Rourke.

Yes, sir?

I almost forgot.

Here. Put this up over your town hall for good luck.

Well, thank you, sir.

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard of.

Oh, Agarn, pull yourself together.

The first thing we're gonna do

is put up a statue of you in Square Wilton.

That's Wilton Square.

Yeah, right. I keep forgetting.

Hi, Jane.

Well, what have you got there?

A cannonball.

Where'd you get a cannonball?

It came through the window of my store.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Jane.

We were just giving the fellows a cannon salute.

But don't worry, now,

the government will repair any damage.

Good. The government owes me a window,

two store dummies and a size-44 corset.

A corset? Yes.

I think you're also gonna hear from Mrs. McSweeney.

She was in the fitting room at the time.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you sure? I happen to make fort calls.

Never mind, Agarn. It's fine.

Janey, maybe you better move the location of your shop.

Like over to Paradise Junction.

Never, O'Rourke.

I prefer cannonballs to ghosts.

Homina, homina, homina.

Ghosts?

Don't you know?

Paradise Junction is the only ghost town

in the West with a real ghost.

Janey, nobody believes that old wives' tale.

Maybe so, but a lot of folks in these towns

have heard ghostly screams and ghostly shots

and have seen the ghost of Black Jack Crawford

riding through town at night on the ghost of his gray horse

carrying a girl in a bridal gown

who is the ghost of Maud Fletcher.

Now, that's what I call a ghost town.

The mind of people who drink too much corn whiskey

and see strange things.

Just last week there was a man over at Dodge

that saw something flying over his farm,

he said it looked like a saucer.

Well, suit yourself,

but you ain't gonna get me to open up a store there.

Well, it's not gonna scare us out, right, Agarn?

Sir, do you mind if I sleep in the fort at night?

Agarn!

I guess we're gonna leave now. So long, Janey, captain.

Good luck, fellows.

You'll need it.

Come on.

Where we going, sarge?

Up to the Hekawi Camp.

Now that we're branching out with O'Rourke Enterprises

I'll see if I can talk Wild Eagle

into giving us whiskey on the cuff.

Sarge, do you think there's any truth

to what Jane says about ghosts?

Agarn, there's about as much truth in that

as there is in Santa Claus.

What about Santa Claus?

Hey, Wild Eagle, Crazy.

What you two doing in those outfits?

They throw you out of Army?

We resign.

That's why we come up to see you, buddy.

That slap on back going to cost me money.

Can't partners be friendly?

It's going to cost me more money than I thought.

Suddenly, we're partners.

That ain't a healthy attitude, chief.

We come up here to make you a fortune.

This is your lucky day. It is?

That's right. All you gotta do is give us

12 cases of whiskey on credit.

With that kind of luck,

I better not walk under a ladder.

Chief, you don't understand.

We're gonna homestead a town

right next to the new railroad line.

What is name of this town?

Paradise Junction.

Paradise Junction?

Absolutely no credit.

Why not?

Never heard of anyone selling whiskey to ghosts.

Sheets, yes. Whiskey, no.

You see that, sarge? They know about the ghost too.

I'm gonna re-enlist.

Wait a minute.

I'm surprised at you, Wild Eagle.

Why, I had no idea you believed in that kind of stuff.

If we believe in happy hunting ground in the sky,

how tough is it to believe in ghosts?

If you're smart, you'll not get mixed up

with ghostly screams and ghostly shots

and the ghost of Black Jack Crawford

riding through town on the ghost of his gray horse

carrying a girl in a bridal gown and...

All right. I'll get my whiskey someplace else.

But you're gonna be sorry

when I make a fortune in that town, Wild Eagle.

Chief, do you really believe those stories

about Paradise Junction?

You'll be up to your hat in ghosts.

Come on, Agarn.

You know, chief,

me never know you believe in ghosts.

Me not believe in ghosts,

but me not believe in giving credit either.

Ah, looks like Dobbs and Vanderbilt are in the hotel.

Sarge, I don't mind telling you, all this talk about ghosts...

It's just made me nervous.

I tell you there's nothing to worry about.

You're acting like a child.

Next thing, you want me to put you to bed with a teddy bear.

Have you got one, sarge?

I'll be all right, sarge. I'll be all right.

That was your horse whinnying.

How do we know Black Jack Crawford's horse

ain't a ventriloquist?

Oh, hi, fellas. Hi, sarge.

We were just getting ready for bed.

Good idea. We need a good night's sleep.

We got a big day's work ahead of us tomorrow.

We're gonna sleep in... In here tonight, sarge?

Agarn, if it would make you any happier,

I'll give you the bridal suite.

Did you have to say "bridal," sarge?

What's the matter with him?

You haven't seen any ghosts, have you?

No, but two leprechauns

checked into the hotel this morning.

They registered as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

I'm warning you, Dobbs.

Come on. Leave him alone, Agarn.

He told you he didn't see any ghosts, didn't he?

I didn't see any ghosts either.

There. Does that make you feel better?

He can't see people. How's he gonna see ghosts?

What's he talking about, sarge?

Never mind him.

His imagination is just running loose with him again.

Agarn, that was just the wind blowing the shutter. Here, here.

You sure are jumpy, Agarn.

One more word, Dobbs,

and I'm gonna jump all over you.

Now, wait a minute. Let's got some sleep.

You'll feel better in the morning.

Okay, sarge.

You can sleep on that chair.

I fixed it up for you.

Thanks, Vanderbilt.

What are you doing, sarge?

We're not gonna sleep with the lights on.

I wanna read.

We haven't got any books.

Then I wanna write. Agarn.

Fellas, can we get some sleep?

Yeah, let's go to sleep. I'm tired.

Good night. Good night, men.

Good night.

What was that?

Agarn, that was the wind blowing open a door.

Anybody come in?

Nobody came in. Now, go to sleep.

Okay, sarge.

Did you hear that, sarge?

Agarn, I can promise you that Black Jack Crawford

is not riding through this town on a pussycat.

Now, go to sleep, all of you. That's an order!

You're right.

All right. Everybody up, men.

Got a big day ahead of us, huh?

All right, how about that? Not one ghost last night.

I know, sarge.

I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Oh, fine. You're gonna be a big help today.

Well, don't worry about me, sarge.

I'll be all right as soon as I get my eyes to focus.

We've got another Vanderbilt on our hands.

You're asking for it.

All right, never mind.

There's a water pump out back that still works, I think.

And then we'll have some chow.

Hey, sarge, the captain gave me my bugle.

Could I blow "Assembly" again just for old times' sake?

Anything you want, Dobbs.

Attention!

Troop all present and accounted for, sir.

Fine, sergeant.

No special orders today, Sgt. Duffy.

Just have the men go about their routine duties.

All right, sir. Troop, dismissed!

Well, I wanna compliment you, Duffy.

You're doing a good job.

Of course, you had a fine example to follow

in Sgt. O'Rourke.

Right you are, sir.

I also had a fine example at the Alamo.

Did I ever tell you about the time

I was with Davy Crockett? Yeah.

There we were, backs to the wall.

Completely surrounded by the enemy.

Cannonballs falling everywhere...

Yes, yes. You told me, Duffy. You told me.

Speaking of cannonballs, here comes Jane.

Carry on, sergeant.

They did it again, Wilton.

Did it come through your fitting room?

No, it landed in Mrs. Duncan's bustle.

I'll have to give that gun crew some extra target practice.

Wilton, that's not gonna help.

You've got to get O'Rourke and the other men back.

At least they can hit the tower.

I'd give anything in the world to get them back,

but I'm just going to have to get along

with the men I have.

Well, if this keeps up,

I might go to Paradise Junction after all.

I'd rather be scared to death than shot to death.

Oh, thank you, Janey. Thank you.

Anything important, Wilton?

No, no, I just have to send a detail

to guard a group of railroad surveyors at Redwood City.

Well, I'll see ya later.

Wait a minute, Jane.

Do you realize what this means?

Yes. If you send the cannon crew,

they'll wipe out the railroad.

That's the point. The railroad is now going to Redwood City

and not Paradise Junction.

I wonder if O'Rourke knows that?

'Course not, but I'm going to ride over there right now

and tell him and they'll be back in F Troop by sundown.

Wilton, I wouldn't do that.

I can't let them homestead that ghost town.

Without the railroad, they won't get people to settle there.

But O'Rourke and the others might not believe you.

They might think it's a trick to get them back in the Army.

Oh. You're right, Jane.

But I've got to get them out of that ghost town.

Why not do it with the ghost?

What are you talking about?

Did you see the look on Agarn's face

when I told him what happens in that town every night?

Oh.

I see what you're driving at.

Are you doing anything tonight, Maud?

I'm riding with you, Black Jack.

Mm!

That was a good dinner, Dobbs.

Thanks, O'Rourke.

I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse.

You're close, Vanderbilt. I think it was the saddle.

That was wild rabbit stew with corn fritters,

mustard greens and black-eyed peas.

That's what I like about the South.

I think I'll hit the sack, sarge.

I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Yeah, we've gotta all hit the sack.

I think I'll leave the dishes.

Maybe one of them ghosts will come in and clean them up.

You're asking for it, Dobbs.

I'm so tired, wild horses couldn't keep me up tonight.

You had to say that, Vanderbilt?

Dobbs, blow out that lantern

so we can all get some sleep, will ya?

Right, sarge. Should I blow "Taps?"

I'm warning you, Dobbs. One more word.

Sarge, the ghosts!

Dobbs, light that lantern. Nobody panic.

I'm scared.

Don't panic.

It must be our imaginations.

Now, don't tell me that's my horse coming down the street.

Here we go, fellas.

Sarge.

Sarge, don't go out there.

Agarn, I'm scared.

You're scared?

I'm scared too, and I didn't even see it.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know what you're gonna do.

But I'm gonna pack and go back to the fort.

I'm with you.

Wait for me.

What about Sergeant O'Rourke?

He's got nothing to worry about.

He don't believe in ghosts. Let's get outta here!

Gentlemen, I want you to meet the ghost of Paradise Junction.

What are you, some kind of nut?

I'm Harry the Hermit.

Harry the Hermit?

That's right. This is my town.

Been living here for 20 years,

and I don't like strangers coming around.

See, he's the one that's been scaring people

out of this town all these years.

Well, I'm telling you right now, it didn't work.

That's the way it goes with the hermit game.

Win some, lose some.

The least you could do is introduce us to the lady.

That's a dummy, dummy.

It's a shame.

You certainly make a lovely couple.

At least, I don't think we have to worry

about Black Jack Crawford and Maud Fletcher

riding through town anymore.

Well, I guess we'd better get ready to ride through, Jane.

Wilton, this is the first time I've ever been in a bridal gown.

It's the first time I've ever worn a cape.

It's such a beautiful dress.

I sort of hate to take it off.

Well, I wouldn't wear it around the store

with all those cannonballs coming through.

When you see me in this dress, you're supposed to be thinking

of something old, something new,

something borrowed and something blue.

I am, Jane.

If the men re-enlist,

I'm going to throw away their old uniforms,

go to Dodge, and borrow four new blue ones.

Parmenter, you're impossible.

You're going to make a beautiful bride, Jane.

Oh, Wilton.

Are you sure Millard Fillmore ain't president?

Take my word for it, Harry. He isn't.

Now, will you douse the lamps so we can all get some sleep?

But I've only talked to one person in the last 20 years.

Talk to the dummy.

Who do you think I've been talking to?

Harry, will you please stop bending Agarn's ear.

We'll talk to tomorrow.

You promise?

We promise. We promise.

All right, I'll bed down.

Do you mind if I talk in my sleep?

And it's back to the fort.

Hey, Vanderbilt, Dobbs, Agarn.

Harry, where are you going?

To the big city.

This is no place for an out-of-work hermit.

Well, it certainly is a pleasure to see you men back in uniform.

F Troop just wasn't the same without you.

Yeah, speaking for all of us, sir,

we're certainly happy to be back too.

I don't have to tell you, men, that if while you were away

some Indians had attacked the fort,

we wouldn't have had a ghost of a chance.

I wish you hadn't said that, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, Agarn.

I forgot about your strange experience.

Captain Parmenter, I just wanna thank you

for giving me back my bugler duty.

Don't thank me, Dobbs. Army regulations clearly state

that if a man re-enlists within 30 days,

he is restored to his previous rank.

It's all right here in the manual...

Uh, I think this is what you're looking for, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

The friend of mine over the land grant office

told me that the railroad

was gonna bypass Paradise Junction.

Well, F Troop back to normal, sir.

Over here, Wilton. We can eat right on the porch.

Jane, you pick the strangest places for a picnic.

Well, you can't get more privacy than in a ghost town.

I guess you're right, there.

After what happened last night,

nobody's gonna come here again.

Even Harry the Hermit left on the morning stage.

Here, Wilton, you can start with this hard-boiled egg.

Will you pass the salt, please, Jane?

Certainly, Wilton.