Original subtitles

Hold it.

Go on. Shoot, Tombstone.

Right, Pecos.

Put it a little closer there.

All right, you guys. That's lunch break.

There'll be some more lumber here this afternoon.

What a great idea, sarge.

The only saloon in the West with a banquet room this big.

Yeah, well, you gotta think big, Agarn.

We'll steal all that convention business

from over at Dodge City.

I never thought of that, sarge.

We'll get the Cattle Breeders Convention,

the Cattle Buyers Convention... The Cattle Rustlers Convention!

Hey, look who's comin'.

You know, this is the first time I ever saw old man Maguire

outside of his bank.

I seen him come out of his bank yesterday.

Oh? Jack Taylor, the blacksmith,

was one day late on his loan...

He repossessed his apron.

Mr. Maguire.

Mr. Maguire, why don't you give Jack Taylor back his apron?

Agarn, there's no place in the banking business for sentiment.

Yeah, he's right.

He's probably on his way

over to the blacksmith's shop right now

to repossess the shoes off the horses.

O'Rourke, I wouldn't concern myself too much

about the blacksmiths.

Let me remind you that your note is due in 48 hours.

And you'd better pay on time, sarge,

or he'll repossess your pants.

No, but I fully intend to repossess your saloon.

Should be quite lucrative

now that you're adding a banquet room.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you,

because you're gonna have your money tomorrow afternoon.

Good. I'll be in the bank counting my money.

Mr. Maguire.

Yes?

This year, would you like

to play Santa Claus

at our fort Christmas party?

Christmas! Bah, humbug!

Now, there goes a man who's all heart.

Sarge, maybe you shouldn't have borrowed the money from him

to build the banquet room.

What was I gonna do?

I didn't have the cash.

Well, what makes you sure

you'll have the money to pay off the note tomorrow?

Simple. Today is payday.

When I collect all the IOUs those troopers owe me,

I'll have more than enough to pay that note.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Uh, Sergeant O'Rourke, I've been looking for you.

Oh, I was on my way over to the fort just now

to get the troop ready for pay call.

That won't be necessary, men.

Didn't headquarters send the money?

They did, yes, but we just got word

that bandits held up the train and escaped with the payroll.

Escaped? With the payroll, sir?

That's right. There's a posse after them.

There's really no problem.

Headquarters said they'll send twice as much next month.

Oh, don't just sit there. Think of something.

I'm am thinkin', sarge.

But you can't get blood out of a turnip.

I keep forgetting you've got a turnip in your head

instead of a brain.

Now, that was a deep cut, sarge.

You shouldn't have said that.

I got feelings just like everybody...

I'm sorry, buddy. I shouldn't have said it.

After all, I haven't come up with anything

very brilliant myself.

Sarge, I think I got something. What is it?

Your note to McGuire is due in two days

and you ain't got the money to pay, right?

Right. The payroll won't get

to Fort Courage for another month, right?

Right. Well...

Why don't you go back to the bank,

get another loan, and pay the first loan off?

What am I gonna use for collateral this time, huh?

Do I have to think of everything?

I'm gonna lose this saloon

just as sure as my name is O'Rourke.

Don't give up, sarge. I'll think of something else.

Wait a minute, that's it.

What's it? My name is O'Rourke.

My name is Agarn of Passaic,

and I'm glad to meet you.

No, no, no. Don't you understand?

The banker's name is Sean Maguire.

It's also Harry Heavy,

Marty Miser and Victor Villain.

Oh, don't you get it? He's Irish like me.

And we Irish are very sentimental people.

All I gotta do is go over there

and give him a couple of sure and begorras,

and a little wearing of the green,

and I'll have him crying like a baby.

Yeah, well, if I was you, sarge, I wouldn't mention green to him.

It's the same color as money.

Good thinking. I'll tell you what we'll do.

We tell him a tale or two about the Blarney Stone.

Two choruses of "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling."

Aha!

Like takin' candy from a baby. Whee!

Hey, Agarn. What?

Let's do this thing right.

Let's walk right into the bank

singin' a proper song.

♪ When Irish eyes Are smilin' ♪

♪ Sure, 'tis like A mornin' spring ♪

Hey, you're more Irish than me.

♪ In the lilt Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear The angels sing ♪

♪ When Irish hearts Are happy ♪

♪ All the world Is bright and gay ♪

♪ Sure, when Irish eyes are... ♪

♪ Are smiling ♪

♪ Sure they steal... ♪

Morning.

I'm awfully sorry I couldn't make payment

on my home this month,

but I'll bring you the money next month.

That won't be necessary. What's that?

I said that won't be necessary, Mrs. O'Brien.

But why don't you want the money next month?

I'm foreclosing your mortgage this afternoon.

Oh, my husband not even cold in his grave.

Oh, Mrs. O'Brien.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you.

Did you wanna see...?

Did you wanna talk to me, O'Rourke?

Oh, no, no, just, uh... Just passing by.

If you hear anybody who wants a half-acre farm

with a broken down shack on it, cheap, let me know, will you?

Sure and begorra, O'Rourke.

I think you fell flat on your Blarney Stone.

Yeah, well, not yet I haven't.

I got another idea.

What's that?

We'll go up to the Hekawi camp,

and I'll borrow the money from my old pal Wild Eagle.

Forget it, pal.

But Wild Eagle, we're your blood brothers.

Blood, yes. Money, no.

But what of all we've been through together?

I remember the day we met.

It was right on this very spot.

The leaves of brown came tumbling down, remember?

That September. In the rain.

Hekawis have wise old Indian saying

about lending money.

Crazy Cat right,

we have wise old Indian saying

about lending money.

All right. What is it? Tell him, Crazy Cat.

Thought you knew wise old Indian saying

about lending money.

Paleface have wise old saying too.

You don't lend O'Rourke the money,

he loses his saloon.

And stops buying whiskey from you,

and you walk around with holes in your moccasins.

Hm.

Not a bad little saying.

Then you're gonna lend me the money.

No. But Chief,

you know I'm gonna pay you back.

You trust me, don't you?

Me trust you as far as I can throw Manhattan Island.

Now, Chief, that's hitting below the belt.

We had nothing to do with that.

No use, O'Rourke,

you barking up the wrong bush.

No, no, Crazy,

that's barking up the wrong tree.

See how bad I am at wise old sayings?

Ah, well, never mind, Agarn.

I guess it's true

what the Apaches have been sayin' behind his back.

What Apaches say behind my back?

Oh, nothing, except that you're just

a cheap, miserly skinflint

who wouldn't give his mother a piece of dried buffalo.

Apaches say Wild Eagle a cheap, miserly skinflint

who wouldn't loan his mother a piece of dried buffalo?

That's right.

Never knew Apaches

such good judge of character.

Just can't put one over on him, sarge.

Yeah, well, there's somebody I can put one over on.

You want me to request an emergency payroll, sergeant?

That's right, sir.

Now, Paragraph 742 dash B of the Cavalry Manual

clearly states that in hardship cases,

emergency funds can be requisitioned

from the, uh, pay... Paymaster.

To tell you the truth,

I wasn't aware of any hardship cases

at Fort Courage.

Oh, sir, we're loaded with hardship cases.

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, who, for example?

Well, now, there's, uh... Uh...

Vanderbilt.

Vanderbilt, sir. Yes, sir.

His poor old father down in Missouri needs an operation.

Well, why hasn't Vanderbilt been in to see me?

Oh, sir, he doesn't like to bring his problems

to the old man, sir.

What old man?

Well, you're the old man, sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I keep forgetting.

Vanderbilt!

Captain Parmenter, sir.

No, no, Over here, Vanderbilt. Heh-heh.

Oh!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm f... Fine, fine.

V-Vanderbilt, if your family

should ever have a problem, I...

I want you to feel free to come to me.

As a matter of fact, captain, I got a letter

from my poor old father yesterday.

You see, just like I told you, sir.

What seems to be the problem, Vanderbilt?

Well, he says in the letter that the last cow

on his little farm passed away.

Oh, that's bad.

No, that's good.

Because while he was buryin' the cow,

he struck gold.

That's good.

That's bad.

Uh, Vanderbilt, when you write to your father,

be sure to tell him how delighted we all are

at his good fortune.

Thank you, sir.

Heh-heh. Huh?

There's one hardship case cleared up, sergeant.

Well, sir, maybe we ought to tell you about...

the other hardship case.

Hm. Oh, who's that?

Eh, ooh. You tell him, sarge.

Oh, well, that's... Uh, sir, is, uh...

Uh, Dobbs.

That's who that is, sir. It's Dobbs, yes.

Private Dobbs?

Well, I get all choked up

just thinking about it, sir.

Agarn, you better tell him.

Me?

Well...

Sir, Dobbs' widowed mother back in Louisiana

needs money... for a mortgage.

Ohh.

Now, if he has problems,

why wouldn't he come to the old man?

What old man?

I'm the old man.

I keep forgetting.

Uh, Dobbs!

Yes, sir?

What's this about your mother?

Oh, I just got a letter from her yesterday.

She's had all kinds of trouble.

See what I mean, sir?

What...? What seems to be the trouble, Dobbs?

Well, she's got this little bitty cotton field

down by the river, and the river overflowed

and washed her clean out.

That's bad.

No, that's good. When the water drained,

her shack was surrounded by alligators.

Oh, that's bad.

No, that's good.

A man from New York came down

and bought up all the alligators

for ladies' shoes and purses.

That's good.

No, that's bad.

I wanted to tell you about my mama's good fortune.

Everything's fine with Mama now.

Oh, good. When you write to Mama Dobbs,

be sure to tell her how happy we are for her.

Yes, sir.

Any more hardship cases, sergeant?

Just one.

Hi, Wilton. Hi, Jane.

I got a wire for you from Territory Headquarters.

There's a train leavin' Dodge City tomorrow

with your payroll on it.

Sarge, you saved your saloon!

Huh? What's that?

I said, the train arrives at noon.

With the captain's permission, Corporal Agarn and I would like

to volunteer to ride guard on that pay box.

Do you think that'll be necessary, sarge?

If those bandits held up the first pay train,

they're very apt to try it again.

You may be right, sarge. With your permission,

we'll arrange it with the railroad

to disguise ourselves as mail clerks, sir.

Good thinking, sarge. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Wilton, I just love it

when you make those quick decisions.

Duffy, is Captain Parmenter in his office?

Yeah, he's in there, Wrangler. Thanks.

Wilton! Oh!

Oh, Wilton, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

I'm fine, Jane. I just lost my balance.

Another telegram just came in. Oh.

Those train bandits are desperadoes

wanted in four states.

They're as dangerous as the James Brothers.

That's quite a reward they're offering.

Wilton, you never should have let O'Rourke and Agarn

ride on that payroll train.

These men are killers. You're right, Jane.

You're right, and I'd better do something about it quick.

You gonna send out the troop?

No, I'm going to help them myself.

Oh, Wilton, not you. Why not me?

Don't you think I'm capable enough, huh?

Wilton, it's... It's not that I don't think

you're capable enough.

It... It's just that... Well, I think it's dangerous.

Janey, I am a cavalry officer.

Danger is my business.

Oh, Wilton, if anything ever happened to you,

I'd just die. Don't worry, Janey.

Nothing is going to happen to me.

You will be careful with those gunslingers?

I give you my word, Jane.

Wilton? Yes, Jane.

Your gun.

Well. Yeah...

You better check to see that it's loaded.

Yeah, I know, Jane, I know.

According to this here timetable,

we ought to be getting to Lakeside any minute now.

Hey, sarge, do you think those bandits will really try

to get this payroll too?

If they get that pay box,

it will be over our dead bodies.

Our dead bodies?

We may have to shoot it out with them, Agarn.

You shoot it out with them, sarge.

I'd rather reach for the sky than be there.

What are you doing?

Oh, I promised that old mail clerk

I'd sort letters for him.

He taught me how. Look, sarge, he showed me.

Hey, that's real good.

Well, it's... It's all in the wrist.

You gotta... keep it loose, see?

There. Lakeside.

Gotta pick up some mail here.

All right, Agarn. Here, you take that one.

Thanks, boys.

Hey, sarge.

I finally got that letter to stay in the pigeonhole.

Ah, good work, Agarn. You'll make a mail clerk yet.

What time does the train get to Gower Gulch?

About 3:30.

No, 4:15.

I said 3:30.

I say 4:15.

Agarn, I say...

Sarge, I ain't arguing with you.

The train will arrive at 4:15.

All right, come on out of there, whoever you are.

And be mighty careful.

Hi, fellas.

Captain Parmenter.

What are you doing in that mail sack?

I didn't want those bandits to see me boarding the train

in case they were watching at Lakeside.

Oh, that's very clever,

but we can handle this by ourselves, sir.

Oh, no, no.

I feel that as your commanding officer,

I should be with my men on such a dangerous mission.

Did you hear that, sarge?

Our captain wants to be with his men.

Come on, pull yourself together, Agarn.

It's only right that I should be here

once the word came through that these bandits are killers

wanted in four states.

Homina, homina, homina. Killers? Four states?

That's right. So I thought I'd hide in this mail sack,

and if they get the drop on you,

then I'll pop out and get the drop on them.

Hey, that's a real good idea, sir.

I've got a better idea.

What's that?

Why don't I hide in the other sack?

Agarn, come here.

I guess I'd better get back in the sack.

Oh! Just a moment, sir.

Just in case of postal inspections.

Here comes the train, Tombstone.

Right, Pecos.

You know what to do, Tombstone.

Yeah, Pecos.

I just hope they don't give us any trouble.

Three more notches on my gun,

and I'm gonna have to get a new one.

Let's go. Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, sarge, all this mail is for F Troop.

Oh, really?

Captain Parmenter, here's a letter for you.

Thank you, corporal.

Hey, anything there for me, Agarn?

Don't know.

Reach for the sky, pardner.

Now, if you don't try any tricks,

nobody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, gosh, no. No tricks.

No, not us. No sir.

We're just simple mail clerks. Simple. Simple.

Good, 'cause my name's Tombstone,

and I didn't get it

'cause of a lazy trigger finger.

Now, you just do everything the gentlemen says, Agarn.

Now, they've got the drop on us.

Oh, gosh, yes, everything.

Here's the strongbox, Tombstone.

Pull it to the door.

You're pointing that gun at my heart.

Oh, he's just trying to scare us.

And what a swell job he's doing.

Cover 'em, Tombstone.

I'm going to the door,

and I'm gonna jump with the box.

You follow.

Right, Pecos.

All right, move over there.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hold it.

It's no good. They're too smart for us.

They know that there's money in most of those envelopes.

I was about to go through 'em anyway.

Come on, start opening them letters.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Stall, Agarn.

Hey, what are you doing?

Here's an interesting letter, Mr. Tombstone.

Listen to this:

"Dear Juanita," I always heard

"that you Latins had hot blood,

"but never really believed it until last night

"when you let me drive you home in my buckboard.

"Sitting so close to me under that full moon,

"my heart was pounding.

"And then when you

"put your lips up to my mouth...

"organ and played 'La Cucaracha, '

"I was in heaven.

"But Juanita, when I kissed you good night,

"my lips were numb.

"I guess I should've told you

to take the rose out of your teeth."

I really don't think we should be reading

people's personal mail.

Keep readin'.

Do as the gentlemen says. Yes, right, yes.

Hold it.

Well, it's just a bag of mail.

How do we know that's not

the letters with the money in it?

Oh, those aren't the letters with the money in it.

You, dump the letters out of that sack.

You keep reading.

Let's see, where was I?

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Reach for the sky, partner.

He's got a gun, Pecos.

Good work, sergeant.

That was quick thinking of you,

handing me that gun in the sack, sir.

As I said, gentlemen, we'll be in Gower Gulch at 4:15.

We can turn them over to the authorities.

And I think we'll get last month's pay box back too.

Listen to this. This is the juicy part:

"Tomorrow night, Juanita,

"I'll be in the cantina about 9.

"Maybe after you finish dancing,

I can take you home again, and then we'll..."

Come in.

Dobbs, what can I do for you?

Sir, I just want to congratulate you

on capturing them payroll bandits.

Oh, thank you, Dobbs.

It was very clever of you, the way you did it, sir.

I never knew you was that sneaky.

Well, actually I've got quite a bag of tricks.

Mail bag, that is.

Uh, sir, what's that on your forehead?

What does it look like? Well, looks like a postal stamp.

Second-class.

Oh, yeah, Corporal Agarn put that on me.

Well, you're a captain, sir.

He should have sent you first-class.

Right, I better get something and wipe it off.

Oh, I think I can do it, sir.

Oh, do you wanna try?

Wilton, I just heard what a...

What a hero you were.

Yeah, all in a day's work, Jane.

What are you doing, Dobbs?

I'm rubbin' this postal stamp

off of his face.

There.

Did you get it all off? Yes, sir, see?

You've got it in your hand.

So I have.

Here, you men are helpless.

There. Thank you, Jane.

Now, you've got it on your hand, Jane.

Oh, well, I'll get it off later.

No, no, no. No, no. I'll get it for you.

I'll get it.

There you see? All gone.

Uh, Captain, now that the money's back,

don't you think we ought to have payroll?

Oh!

I forgot all about it.

For the last time, Mrs. O'Brien,

get off that property.

Now, hold it, Maguire.

You stay out of this, O'Rourke,

it's none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is.

We got a little settlin' up to do here.

Now, there's the money I owe you for my loan.

And that is for Mrs. O'Brien's property.

Oh, what's going on?

You've got your shack back.

Bless you, sergeant. Bless you, bless you.

Huh!

That's the way it is with us Irishmen,

we're sentimental softies.

Sarge, that was the reward money.

That's a sweet thing to do, sarge.

Aw, Agarn, me boy, there'll be other bandits

and other rewards.

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure, it's like A mornin' spring ♪