Original subtitles

Wilton, I got a letter for you.

It's marked "special, rush, urgent."

Mm. I wonder if it's important?

See you later, Wilton.

Yeah.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, I just got this letter marked

"special, rush, urgent."

I wonder if it's important?

Hey. Any problem, sir?

Oh, no, sergeant. Quite the contrary.

Colonel Heindrich Von Zeppel,

Prussian balloonist, is arriving today on the noon stage.

Wait, wait.

"Under orders to consider the activation

of a balloon corps

with F Troop as its personnel."

So that's what they've been saving us for.

Couldn't have made a better choice, sir.

The stage should be along any minute.

I'll go inside and see if it's on time.

Sarge, how come you're so happy to see

this Prussian birdman coming here?

I look at the positive side of things

that's why I'm a sergeant and you're a corporal.

Oh. I always thought it was because you were taller.

No, see it all now, when you're in the balloon corps

you just do nothing but float through the air.

No more shoeing horses. No more cleaning tag.

You mean, no more infantry drills?

Right.

No more camping out? Right again.

And how much marching can you do in a balloon?

Agarn, I don't know why people say you're so dumb.

Of course, there's O'Rourke Enterprises.

Well, how does that fit in?

Once we learn how to work this balloon

we borrow it from time to time and hurry up our deliveries.

And we can even sell rides to the folks here in town.

Now do you wanna be in the balloon corps?

It's the only way to fly.

Who says I'm dumb?

Here she comes.

Well, he doesn't seem to be in the coach, sir.

He must be.

Oh, he's probably waiting inside

for one of us to greet him officially.

There's nobody inside, sir.

Well, maybe he missed the stage.

Well, I don't understand it.

If an officer of Colonel Von Zeppel's reputation

says that he's arriving on the noon stage

then he should be arriving on the noon stage.

I told you.

Don't stand there just. Somebody help me from here down.

Are your hands clean, sergeant?

Sure.

Be careful with mein Schnitzel.

There we go. Be careful with him, Agarn.

Uh, just, uh, step right down this way.

Ah, all right, coming.

That's it.

Ah. Here we are.

Colonel Heindrich Von Zeppel reporting for duty.

Oh. Captain Wilton Parmenter, F Troop,

and this is Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn.

Oh, and this is Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.

I am charmed.

Und this is Schnitzel.

Hi there, fellow. Have a nice flight?

You'll have to excuse him. He does not understand English.

Do you have any baggage with you, colonel?

It is coming by wagon train with the balloon equipment.

Until we meet again.

Und now, so we go to headquarters, ja?

Ja.

Und I would like to review the troops

that will take part in operation Luft.

You mean a full-dress review?

Ja.

According to you army regulation,

362 dash 4198 subheading small D,

visiting officers of command rank

will have a dress review in their honor.

Really? I didn't know that. Sergeant O'Rourke?

Yes, sir.

Please arrange a full dress welcoming review

in honor of our distinguished guest.

Yes, sir. Army regulations 362 dash 4198, sir.

Subheading... Small D, I know.

Now, colonel, is there anything else I can do for you?

Ja, can you lend me your begleiter?

My...

Oh, darn it. I just sent that out to the cleaners.

Nein, nein, nein.

A begleiter is a military attendant, an orderly.

We Prussian officers have a begleiter.

The British officers have a batman.

You Americans, you do not have a batman?

Well, not yet, but I'm sure we will someday.

We're a very progressive nation.

Well, no matter. I make do without one.

No, no, no, I wouldn't think of it, colonel.

You just take your pick of an orderly from among my men.

Parmenter, if you are going to be in my command,

let me advise you:

toughen up those ankles.

Hard luck and trouble.

I'm telling you, I can see it coming right now.

One day in the balloon corps and already a full-dress review.

I don't call this floating through the air

like a feather in the breeze.

Just a formality.

Once we get in training, it'll be just like I said.

Yeah? Well, I wish I could be as sure

as you are about Attila the Hun.

Now, trust in me. Have I ever given you a bum steer?

Yes. All right.

But I can't lose them all, huh?

Hey, what is that you're putting on the boots?

I ran out of bootblack so I'm using what I put on my hair.

Hair oil on boots? No. Bacon grease.

Why, no wonder you smell like breakfast.

Chin in, chest out.

Chin in, chest out.

Chin in, chest out.

Straighten that hat.

Where was I? Chest out.

Chest out!

Ten-hut.

Get away from me, boy. You're bothering me.

You're missing a button from the tunic.

No, colonel. It ain't missing.

I got it right here in my pocket.

Are you making jokes at me?

Congratulations, corporal. Schnitzel likes you.

And I like Schnitzel.

Parmenter, I think I have found

mein begleiter.

Und you will iron mein shirt und polish mein helmet.

Und take mein Schnitzel for a walk.

Those are the duties.

Yes, sir.

Dummkopf. How did I tell you to say it?

Jawohl, mein Herr! Again.

Jawohl, mein Herr!

Again. Jawohl, mein Herr!

Ach to Himmel, he's got it. I think he's got it.

Jawohl, mein Herr!

Your men are completely out of control, captain.

There is no organization. No discipline.

Well, colonel, they do their best.

It is not enough.

In Prussia, things are different.

If I order my men to march off a cliff, they march off a cliff.

Isn't that a little hard on the men?

It's harder on me.

I have to keep training new men.

Right, corporal?

Jawohl, mein Herr!

Now that I'm here, things will be different.

We will have order.

We will have discipline. We will have attention.

Because that is the way we do things in Prussia.

What are you talking about Prussia...?

Silence!

Every morning at 5:00 before breakfast, we will have a drill.

Und at 7:00 before breakfast we will march 10 miles.

Excuse me for asking, colonel, but when do we eat breakfast?

At lunch.

Colonel, my men aren't use to such...

That's tough hasenpfeffer.

They will have to shape up or ship out.

Right, corporal? Jawohl, mein Herr!

Good, you are dismissed.

Go back to quarters und continue transcribing my memoirs.

Oh, colonel, I couldn't help wondering about

that scar on your cheek.

Did you get that in battle?

In a way.

I get it in a duel when I was a student at the university.

It is my mark of honor.

Mein "schmiss."

Well, whoever did it didn't "schmiss" by much.

Actually, a young lady was involved.

Oh, did you beat her?

Captain, what are you doing?

Well, what's the matter, Dobbs?

Haven't you ever seen an officer shave before?

Agarn, what's gotten into you?

Something is troubling you, my feldwebel?

Feldwebel?

Feldwebel. That's Prussian for sergeant.

You see what I mean?

Don't you think you've gotten into this thing a bit too much?

Because it is the right way. It is the military way.

And above all, it is the blue-blooded Prussian way.

Agarn, what has happened to your loyalty?

You know, sarge, you're right.

I guess I got carried away.

Forgetting my years in the service.

My birthright.

My national heritage. Oh, sarge, I'm sorry.

Now, well, now there, there.

Get your hands off!

Agarn, you knucklehead, will you stop it?

I will not be talked to that way.

O'Rourke, you have maybe relatives in Prussia?

So, gentlemen,

the time has come for me to reveal

to you my true purpose here.

In the Civil War, balloonists flew over the lines

to observe the enemy movements, ja?

Please be careful. Don't hurt the balloon, you clumsy ox.

Sorry. So

I approach your chief of staff in Washington

with my new theory, ja?

It is that we can now fly over the territory

where the treacherous Hekawi Indians are holed up.

Oh, it's, uh, to observe them.

Not just observe, gentlemen.

F Troop will attack the Hekawis from the air.

And if it works, it is westward ho.

Und tomorrow, the Apaches.

You and your easy life in the balloon corps.

Yeah, well, if you hadn't been so busy jawohl-ing mein Herr

you might have realized what he was up to.

Sarge, I don't wanna go up in a balloon

and attack the Hekawi.

They're not treacherous. They're our friends.

And besides, they might attack back.

Could also having effect on O'Rourke Enterprises,

like wiping us out.

What are we gonna do about it?

We'll do the only honorable thing.

What's that?

Reveal our plans to the enemy.

What you mean you want Hekawis to move away?

We only want you to move because we're your friends.

With friend like you, Hekawi no need enemy.

No need no joke, either.

I guess we'll have to tell you the rest.

F Troop is gonna attack you.

What about no-fight clause in treaty?

Wait a minute, it's not our idea.

We don't wanna go on the warpath.

And me no want to go on warpath.

War paint makes skin break out.

It's this new colonel. He wants us to attack

the Hekawis from a balloon.

What is "balloon"?

Well, there's this big cloth bag and you blow it up.

Me think Agarn speak with fuzzy tongue.

You think not. Me, the chief. Me think for Hekawis.

Me think Agarn speak with fuzzy tongue.

We're telling you the truth.

There's this big cloth bag and you blow it up with hot air.

And underneath there's this basket

and you ride in the basket.

There is wise old Indian saying:

"He who plant crop of rhubarb

will lose moccasins in light of full moon."

I'll go along with that.

You'll go along with anything.

Please listen, will you just move the Hekawis away?

If not, you going to fight us from air

in basket with big bag over head?

That's about the size of it.

Once we have brave who say he fly in air.

He show feathers on arms and he jump off mountain.

He fly real good.

But he land real bad.

Chief, I'm telling you,

if you don't move the Hekawi away

we're gonna have to go up in the balloon and...

Sarge, I can't say it.

Agarn, you take good dose of spirits

of yucca root, balloon go away.

If balloon no go away, happy landing.

Gentlemen, we drink to our first flight tomorrow, ja?

We balloonists have a toast.

Eat, drink und be merry

for tomorrow we may be kaput.

Ah, the beer here is good.

Yeah, we like it.

But not so good as the beer of Prussia.

Mmm. And the food here is good.

It's delicious.

Yeah, but it's not sauerbraten.

Howdy, mind if I join you?

Mmm.

And the women here are wunderbar.

Why, thank you, colonel.

But not so wunderbar as the women back in Prussia.

Oh, come now, colonel. Women are the same everywhere.

Nein, nein, nein.

In Prussia, the women dress like women.

Not like the Fräulein here.

Well, I'll go along with you on the food and drink.

But we kind of like Jane the way she is.

Thank you, Wilton.

You are casting an aspersion on mein taste in femininity?

No, no, I didn't cast anything like that.

Now, Wilton, don't go getting in a fight on my account.

In Prussia, we always get into fights on women's accounts.

Well, then you should be glad we're here and not in Prussia.

You have insulted mein country.

No, no, look. I'll leave it to you.

Now, did I insult the colonel...?

I never duel a man in a country where I am a guest.

But in your exception, I will make a case.

A duel?

Do you accept? Well, of course he accepts.

The honorable name of Parmenter is at stake.

He can always change his name.

Borrow your glove, sir. No, it will never fit.

No, no, you're supposed to slap him across the face with it.

I'm supposed to... To accept the challenge.

That's what I hate about dueling. All that face-slapping.

Sorry.

I hope you duel better than you challenge.

Corporal, you will be mein second.

And I will be yours, sir.

Two grown men fighting a duel. I'm ashamed of you.

And I'm warning you, Wilton, if you go get yourself killed

don't come crying to me.

Ah.

Well, what your choice of weapons is?

How are you at arm-wrestling?

What'll it be, captain? Pistols or sabers?

Uh, sabers. Pistols would wake up the men.

Yeah, you're all heart.

Uh, I'll take the right-handed one.

Corporal.

Gentlemen.

Now count out 20 paces, and face each other.

Two, three...

Agarn, we gotta keep them apart.

We can't take a chance on the captain getting kaput.

Nineteen, twenty.

Ready, set, go.

Ha.

Well, either we have to get closer together

or get longer swords.

Twenty paces for pistols is, dummkopf.

What's the matter with you?

You take care of Schnitzel. I be my own second.

En garde.

Aah!

Oh, ow!

Wait, wait.

Wow, how did you do that?

Well, the important thing is to keep

the front leg extended so that...

We'd better give the captain some more help.

Colonel, hey, look up there.

There? What, what?

I don't see anything.

Now, captain. I don't see anything either.

Look.

You don't fool the colonel a second time with that.

Look.

Agarn.

Schnitzel.

Chief, me have riddle for you.

What has big round shape, carries man and dog, and flies?

Me give up. What has big round shape,

carries man and dog, and flies?

Me not know either but there it is.

It is balloon.

No such thing as balloon.

That's what you tell O'Rourke and Agarn.

Must be evil spirit.

Well, not just stand there. Sound evil spirit alarm.

Chief, you really believe in evil spirits?

Nah, but what do they know?

Und so, gentlemen, it is time for me to say goodbye.

Not goodbye, colonel, auf Wiedersehen

Glad they settled their differences like gentlemen,

in a poker game.

Yeah? I still say the colonel cheated.

I don't see how three kaisers can beat a royal flush.

All right, let's give him a hand here, men.

Are your hands clean, Parmenter?

Yeah.

All right, be careful with mein Schnitzel.

There we go.

All right.

Now that I know that the Hekawi Indians can fight back

I must return to Prussia und develop

a puncture-proof balloon.

Don't worry, I shall return. All right.

Victory under calm blue.

We'll go off.

Oh, captain, don't you think we ought

to give him a farewell salute?

Oh, yes. Give the signal.