Original subtitles

Wilton.

Hi, Jane. Wilton.

I just saw the inspector general heading this way.

Probably coming to make

a surprise inspection, sir.

Ahh! Them officers are sneakier than Indians.

Present company excepted, sir.

Thank you. Are you sure it was Major Bradley?

Sure looked like him. I'll see you later, Wilton.

Vanderbilt?

Vanderbilt!

Do you see an officer coming?

I don't think so, sarge.

We never get rain this time of year.

I said... Agh.

Save your breath, sarge.

Here he comes, sir.

Uh, I'll call the troop to attention.

Yeah, I'd better get my sword.

Dobbs! Blow assembly. Duffy, give him a hand.

All right, you men. Fall in. On the double.

That's enough, hot lips.

All right, you men.

Now, come on now. Dress it up. Look alive.

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Major Bradley, heh-heh. What a pleasant surprise... Ow!

You all right, Parmenter?

Yes, yes. I'm fi... Fine. I'm... Fine.

Captain, sir...

Is that a friendly or unfriendly Indian?

He's friendly. I mea... I mean, he's un...

Uh... Never mind, Vanderbilt.

All right, gun crew, fall out for cannon salute.

Fire it up.

I don't understand how that happened, sir.

Uh, I'd like to apologize for that, sir,

but in all fairness, F Troop has had a lot of malfunctions.

Yes, and we've also had trouble with the cannon.

No apologies necessary. This is not an inspection.

It isn't?

No, captain. I've come here to tell you

that F Troop has been selected

to train recruits for cavalry replacements.

Oh!

Well, congratulations, sir.

Uh, who are they going to replace?

F Troop.

You've had your laugh, major.

Sir, why did you really come here?

Your entire troop will be transferred from Fort Courage.

With the exception of one non-commission officer

who will remain. Who's that, sir?

Corporal Agarn.

Lt. Harrison should arrive tomorrow

with the recruits.

Right, sir.

Now, now.

But, sir, you've got to send a wire to Washington

requesting that they rescind that order.

And if you won't do that, sir,

at least request them to send me along with F Troop.

You can't leave me behind with a bunch of...

strangers.

I'm sorry, men. I don't like this any more than you do.

But... But at times like this,

I always remember what my father,

General Horatio Parmenter,

told me when I was just a little boy of 9.

He sat me down in a chair,

and he said to me:

"Son, there will be times in the Army

"when you will receive an order

"that in your heart of hearts, you feel is unjust,

"and your first instinct will be to ignore that order.

"But you will find, if you examine

"the situation carefully, that those above you in high posts

"sometimes appear to give frivolous commands

"that never meet with your approval.

"But if you examine the situation further,

"it will ultimately be proven

"that your superiors have only good intentions

"for you and the Army,

and that the entire service is based on obeying orders."

How old were you when you got off the chair?

Mwah. Oh, Wilton, I just heard the news.

Janey, please.

I've told you not in front of my men.

Don't worry about protocol at a time like this, sir.

We're all letting our hair down.

Sarge, you can't leave me.

Wilton, you've gotta do something about this.

It's no good, Janey.

I've already asked him to wire Washington

and rescind that order. He says he will not do it.

That's right, Jane. In a situation like this,

I always remember what my father once told me.

You better not start that, captain.

You may be transferred before you finish.

You may be right, sergeant.

But, Jane, a commander of a post can't wire Washington

every time he disagrees with an order.

Oh, Wilton.

Oh, sarge.

Now, Randolph. Randolph.

It's gonna be okay.

Lieutenant Mark Harrison reporting, sir.

Uh... At ease, lieutenant. You too, Jane.

I brought the new recruits, captain.

Oh, good. Good.

Uh... Uh, this is Sergeant O'Rourke.

Corporal Agarn.

And Wrangler Jane.

Jeepers creepers.

Where'd you get those peepers?

What?

Where'd you get those eyes?

Uh, you'd better be getting back

to your recruits, lieutenant.

I'll be right out.

Uh, yes, sir.

My, they sure sent out a cute one, didn't they?

Sergeant, take a wire to Washington.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

This is going to the Department of War,

Bureau of Territorial Assignments.

Sir.

This is to request that F Troop remain at Fort Courage.

Why don't you all sit down and relax?

What do you mean, relax? We've got to get an answer

from Washington as soon as possible.

Just remember, a watched pot never boils.

And just remember,

an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What has that got to do with this?

Well, if she's worried about her pot,

I can certainly worry about my health.

Agarn.

Now, men, Jane is right. We've got to relax.

Yeah. Yeah...

Oh, Janey, I owe you two cents.

I'm gonna get some peppermint.

Help yourself, O'Rourke. Mm.

Janey... how much is this hat?

Agarn.

Corporal, that's a very chic hat,

but I'm afraid it's not regulation.

What are you gonna do? Join the three musketeers?

It's not for me.

That's a relief.

It's for my mother back in Passaic.

Well, that hat sells regular for $3,

but you can have it for 1.50.

That's a terrific bargain. I'll give you 75 cents cash.

Sold.

To... Captain Wilton Parmenter,

um, commanding... officer, F Troop,

Fort Courage.

From Washington, D.C.,

War Department, Cavalry Headquarters,

uh, Bureau of Western Territorial Posts,

uh, Department of Indian Affairs,

Commander of Liaison and Troop Assignment.

Here comes the message.

What was the message?

No.

All right, men.

Let's start training the recruits.

Men... this is a bugle.

One of you will be the new company bugler.

Now, it's a very difficult instrument to play,

but I will do my best to give you

the benefit of my years of experience.

Here, soldier. See if you can

get some kind of a sound out of that.

Now, you try it, soldier.

Congratulations. You're the new company bugler.

The first thing you have to do is learn Indian identification.

This is a Sioux.

This is a Comanche.

This is an Apache.

They're the most dangerous of all.

Notice where they hide their bow and arrows.

All right now, pay attention.

This is a head.

This is a leg.

This is a tail.

And when you put them all together,

it's a horse.

I guess I shouldn't be sensitive, sarge,

but... I'm under a strain.

Well, we all are. Now, I'm gonna miss you too, buddy.

I know that, sarge.

Tell you something else.

I'm gonna miss this old fort.

It won't be the same without you, sarge.

Nah.

Yeah, but... they got a worse problem.

It's sure going to feel strange being in another fort.

Seems to me if you've seen one fort,

you've seen 'em all.

Oh, no. No, not to me, Jane.

This is my first command, you know.

I still get a thrill just looking up

at the flag flying over my post.

Oh!

Oh, Wilton! Are you all right?

Bread and butter.

I imagine there'll be lots of

pretty girls at your new post.

I imagine. I'll probably have to post

a guard outside my quarters.

If you don't, I will.

I wouldn't worry, Jane. Oh! Oh!

Wilton! You all right?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Maybe you ought to go back to your office.

No. No, no, no. I...

I wanna go over to the well and make a wish.

Them poor kids.

What did you wish, Wilton?

We... You're not supposed to tell your wish.

It won't come true.

Well, you can tell me.

Well, I wished that someday

I'd come back to Fort Courage.

Oh, Wilton.

Janey, please, not on the post.

Funny, I didn't hear that penny hit the water.

Come to think of it, neither did I.

All right, you recruits, fall in!

Line up for inspection.

We'll make horse soldiers out of you yet.

You're doing a fine job, corporal.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, Captain Parmenter, can I see you a minute, sir?

What can I do for you, lieutenant?

Tell me, sir, do you, uh...?

Do you ever let the horses graze outside of the fort

so they can eat wild oats?

Occasionally.

Speaking of wild oats,

what is your relationship with Wrangler Jane?

That's a very personal question, lieutenant.

Well, I noticed she wasn't wearing an engagement ring.

No, but I gave her a hand-woven

saddle blanket for her horse.

What does that mean?

It means I'm very fond of her.

Of her horse?

No. Jane.

Oh, I see.

Although when... Whenever she comes over to the fort,

she does come right up and nibbles on my ear.

Jane?

No, her horse.

Well, can you actually say

that you've ever tied her up?

The horse?

No. Jane.

Oh. Uh, well, no.

I can't actually say that I have

either of them tied up.

That's all I wanted to know, sir.

You guys... packing already?

Got to. We're moving out tomorrow.

I'm sure gonna miss you, Dobbs.

Gonna miss you too, Agarn.

Sure wish you's going with us.

Well. That's the way it goes, but...

we'll meet again.

One of these days, we'll wind up at the same fort...

soldiering together... having laughs.

Sure we will, Agarn.

Dobbs, old buddy...

could you give me one more bugle call,

just for old time's sake?

I'll be glad to.

On second thought,

I may not miss you as much as I think.

Sorry you're not coming with us, Agarn.

You're a great little corporal.

Thanks, Duff. Coming from you, that...

really means something.

We could have used a corporal like you at the Alamo,

when I was standing there shoulder to shoulder

with old Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett.

There we were, backs to the wall,

cannonballs falling to the right of us,

cannonballs falling to the left...

Duffy! Why don't you write me a letter about it?

Send it pony express.

Pony express stopped running five years ago.

I know that, Duffy.

I wanna say goodbye to you, Vanderbilt, old buddy.

That's awful nice of you, Agarn.

You've been a real friend.

I'm gonna miss seeing you.

You've always missed seeing me, Vanderbilt.

I'm over here.

Oh. I thought you'd gotten thinner.

You're a great little lookout, Vandy.

And you'll always be 20-20... in my heart.

Agarn, where are you?

Coming, sarge.

Good luck, you guys.

Agarn? Ain't you gonna see us off tomorrow?

Do you wanna see a grown man cry?

Come on, Agarn.

Where are we going, sarge?

To the Hekawi camp.

I gotta tell Wild Eagle

you're taking over O'Rourke Enterprises.

Well, the way my luck is going, the minute I take over,

those Indians will wake up and find out they're Indians.

You should have so many worries.

Those Hekawis wouldn't go on the warpath for...

Ho-ho-ho! Wait a minute. Ho-ho.

Agarn, I don't know why

everybody says you're so dumb.

Who says I'm dumb?

Oh. Will you forget it, Agarn?

Hey, chief. Just the man I wanted to see.

You expecting maybe Sitting Bull?

Did you hear that? Uh... He is a riot.

I don't know where he gets it.

Chief.

You're in a lot of trouble.

They're laughing at your jokes.

Why don't we sit right down here

and have a nice powwow?

Good idea, sarge. Craze.

Come on, chief. Sit right down there.

Chief, you gonna powwow with them?

What have you got to lose?

Now, look, I'm gonna come right to the point.

I want you to tell the inspector general

that you're gonna break the treaty with the Army.

Now I know what we got to lose: the tribe.

You got your laugh, O'Rourke.

What you really come up here for?

Chief, you don't understand.

They're gonna replace Captain Parmenter,

and everybody in F Troop

is gonna be shipped out except me.

That's right. And all I want you to do

is tell the inspector general that Parmenter

is the only fort commander you trust,

and they'll rescind the order.

Me trust everybody. Even you, O'Rourke.

Wild Eagle get along with everybody.

Me sign so many peace treaties,

only Indian chief with writer's cramp.

Now, look, we don't want you to break the treaty.

We just want you to threaten

the inspector general that you will

if Captain Parmenter is shipped out.

Chief, send up a smoke signal.

Say you'll go on the warpath if F Troop is shipped out.

Do you think inspector general believe that?

Why not? Agarn and I are the only ones that know

that all your brave-hearted warriors

are chicken-hearted braves.

You go too far, O'Rourke!

Hekawis not that big cowards.

All right, all right, I'm sorry. But will you do this for us?

All right. We send up signal.

Tote that log. Lift that blanket.

Thanks, chief. You're tops in anybody's tepee.

Listen, I'll tell the, uh, the IG

that he'd better have a meeting

with your bloodthirsty warriors tonight.

Tonight? Better make that tomorrow afternoon.

Why?

Bloodthirsty warriors afraid of dark.

Ahh.

Sergeant, I'm glad you're here.

The Hekawis are sending up a smoke signal.

So soon?

What's that?

I said, it's noon.

Can you tell what those Indians are saying?

Oh, I think I can, sir.

He's one of the great smoke readers of all time.

Uh, that is, uh... Uh, Chief Wild Eagle

sending a message to all the tribes, sir.

Well, sergeant, what's he saying?

Uh, "To whom it may concern.

"Grapevine say Captain Parmenter

"leaving Fort Courage.

"If so, we go on warpath.

"Signed, uh...

sincerely, Chief Wild Eagle."

I can't believe he would break the treaty

because of a change in command.

Begging your pardon, major. But to the Hekawi,

Captain Parmenter has always been "Taka Nana Ninga Poon." Hm.

What does that mean?

Mr. Nice Guy.

Uh, excuse me, sir. There's a PS.

Says will hold powwow at, uh...

Uh, Big Tree Canyon.

I suggest we go there, major,

and straighten this thing out.

Send word we'll have a powwow tonight.

Tomorrow. They're afraid of the dark.

What's that?

I said, there goes a bird,

and I think it's a lark.

Oh.

How, Chief Wild Eagle.

How, Mr. Nice Guy.

We come in peace.

We come in peace too.

Indian show good faith. Put lance in ground.

Ugh.

You do same.

Show we meet as friends.

Certainly, chief.

Ahh!

Are you all right, chief?

Yeah. Fine, fine, fine.

Good.

Uh, this is Chief Wild Eagle

and his assistant, Crazy Cat.

This is Major Bradley,

the territorial inspector general,

and Lieutenant Harrison. And I think you know

Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn.

How. How.

How. How. How.

How. How.

Enough already with the hows!

Why don't you sit right here? Chief? Major?

Chief Wild Eagle...

I understand you're threatening

to break your peace treaty.

If he go, we go on warpath.

But you made that treaty in good faith.

I was told you even smoked a peace pipe.

I didn't inhale.

But I assure you, Lieutenant Harrison here

will treat your tribe in the same manner

that Capt. Parmenter did.

How we know you not speak with forked tongue?

I'm even willing to put it in writing.

How we know you not write with forked pen?

But nothing will change if Fort Courage

is under the command of Lt. Harrison.

Not interested.

Only paleface commander we want is Mr. Nice Guy.

Chief... there's an old cavalry saying.

Nice guys finish last.

Hm. Not a bad little saying.

I'm gonna ask you for the last time.

Will you accept Lt. Harrison as the new commander

and live with him in peace? No.

All right. In that case...

we'll have to start using our new cannon.

You have new cannon?

Yes.

It's the water-cooled Witzhower rapid-fire cannon

that could wipe out your entire tribe in 10 minutes.

Lots of luck on your new assignment, captain.

You'll accept this young lieutenant?

I could tell by looking at him, he's a sweetheart.

Chief, you've made a wise decision.

And you won't regret living up to your peace treaty.

Hekawi Indians always willing

to agree with anything.

If you don't see it in the treaty,

just ask for it.

Lieutenant, our camp only four miles from fort.

If you're in neighborhood, drop in. Don't be stranger.

And let us hear from you, captain,

even if it's just a postcard.

Ahh!

Captain... I wanna wish you good luck

in your new assignment at... Bloody Creek.

Thank you, major.

Well, good luck, captain.

Thank you, lieutenant.

Goodbye, Jane.

Corporal Agarn.

Forward... ho!

Bye!

Bye, people!

Oh, Wilton. You won't forget me, will you?

I won't! You promise me.

Here. Oh.

Lieutenant, the command

of Fort Courage is all yours.

Thank you, sir. And I know you'll be proud of G Troop.

Bugler, front and center.

Lookout...

is everything clear outside the fort?

No, thank you, corporal. I just had my coffee.

Gun crew. Cannon salute!

I just can't understand it, sir.

But if you give me a little more time,

I know I can whip them into a crack outfit.

Lieutenant Harrison...

there's room for only one F Troop in this man's army.

Corporal Agarn.

Ride out... and tell Captain Parmenter

to return with his men.

Bless you, sir. Bless you, sir.

Good luck on your new assignment at Bloody Creek.

Wahoo!

I gotta hand it to you, sarge.

You got the troop back from Bloody Creek.

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know either. But I couldn't leave you behind.

Somebody's gotta look after you.

Ah. So you think without you, I'm lost.

You think without you, I couldn't pull on my own boots.

Pull on your own boots?

Without me, you couldn't even find 'em.

Well, let me tell you something, sarge.

I'm tired of your treating me like I'm wet behind the ears.

Not wet behind the ears.

The water has seeped into your brain. Well...

Just a minute, Jane.

All I said was, is that it's not proper for a captain to say:

"Jeepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers"?

Well, if you'd stop looking

in your Army manual and take a look at me,

maybe you'd notice the things the lieutenant saw.

Sounds like you're sorry F Troop is back at Fort Courage.

She's not the only one, sir. I'd like to request a transfer.

A transfer, Agarn?

Yes, sir. To G Troop.

Listen, if you ever transferred

out of this outfit, I would be lost.

I... I can pull on my own boots,

but it wouldn't be any fun after I got 'em on.

Sarge.

I'm sorry, Jane. I... I don't have to spend

so much time looking at my Army manual.

Oh, Wilton.

Oh, sarge.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jeepers creepers, we've sure got a couple of weepers.