Original subtitles

DEAD TIRED

He was neurotic. High-strung.

He seemed lost.

If I remember correctly, it began a year ago.

Good morning, sir. Police.

Detective Gaffier. Are you Michel Blanc?

- Yeah, that's me. Why? - We need to talk.

You woke me up. What is it?

Can we come in?

Sure, come in.

Is that Josiane Balasko?

Good actress. I hear she's a dyke.

Not at all.

My brother-in-law in the Vice Squad says so.

That's Dutronc!

A taxi driver claims you didn't pay him.

You wanted to score a whore before a guest-spot on TV.

He found you one and waited, but you never came back.

That's ridiculous.

We thought you were a fag ever since you played a drag queen.

What movie was it? Menage.

Listen...

I didn't take a taxi.

Yesterday I was in bed writing for Carole Bouquet.

- With her? - Alone.

I haven't done whores since '77. So you're mistaken.

Michel?

Mr. Blanc, may I help you?

You have a suite for me.

Let me have a look.

One second, please.

Can I have an autograph? Make it out to "Pooh Bear."

I'm sorry, but you're not listed.

- What the hell? - I'm very sorry.

Can I have another? For Fifi.

Call the Festival. It's their problem.

How about a picture?

Go get Gilles Jacob.

Fifi's turn.

Stop busting my balls! Beat it!

Asshole. I'll stop watching you on TV.

Come on, there are plenty of others.

- Mr. Jacob, there's a problem. - Bad timing.

Michel, I thought you couldn't come.

- Who said so? - Your agent. Last week.

- This is insane! - He said you weren't free.

What do I do now? Sleep on the beach?

I assume you're booked?

Mr. Depardieu went wine-tasting in Bulgaria...

but he left his clothes here.

- Then give me his suite. - It's rather delicate.

Why? Gerard wouldn't care!

If Mr. Jacob...

We have no choice. I'll see you later.

Yeah, later...

Room 106.

Change the sheets. With Depardieu, you never know.

And her room number?

Okay.

Uncork it.

I signed Depardieu. He knows.

Very good, sir.

Hello, Mathilda?

Michel Blanc here.

What's up?

I just got in.

You're all alone?

Are you busy?

I'd like to discuss my new screenplay with you.

I'm in the middle of writing it.

I'll be right there.

What are you doing?

Michel Blanc is fucking Mathilda May.

You're sick!

You know I'm seeing someone!

- You can still relax. - I relax with him.

He's not here. Are you frigid?

Stop!

Listen... don't get upset.

You never turned me on.

You're pretty weird. Your loss.

Michel!

How are you? I didn't know you were in Cannes.

I have a screenplay for you.

Do you have a minute?

- Now? - It's urgent.

Hi, Michel. How are you?

You're here too?

I don't want to bother you.

You're no bother.

My timing's off. I'll come back.

- Don't touch me. - Are you sure?

Positive. Stop it!

Or you'll slap me?

Stop!

You've let me down, kid. That was low.

You've never acted this way.

I'm going through a minor depression.

I'm Ionely.

When I wake up, I feel like crying.

As I was staring at my balcony...

I thought I should jump.

If I'm lucky, I'll land on a Rolls Royce.

I've always liked English cars.

You have no girlfriend?

She left me for Patrick Bruel.

I didn't know.

I'm sorry I slapped you.

Forget about it.

I have a lump in my throat. Do you have any champagne?

A few Valium and I'll feel better.

I'll go look.

I have half-bottles.

Fine. Give me two.

The winners will go home with...

Miss Festival's breasts' weight in videocassettes!

There's more!

The cassettes are signed by Michel Blanc!

It's time to ask Michel Blanc...

to come on stage with his verdict.

A warm round of applause!

Quiet or this will take forever.

I'll go backwards.

Last runner-up: Nadine.

20,000 in cash. Count it.

How about my dinner?

You were late.

I ate at the Carlton. Can you reimburse me?

500 francs?

It cost more. The Carlton is pricey.

But if that's all you can do...

I love it. How can I thank you?

If you have a second, we'll find a way, Karine.

It's Karine, right?

- Where is it? - Not far. You'll see.

You wanna be in pictures?

He sent me a script. It wasn't bad.

Then Emmanuelle Beart said he'd given her the role.

I wanted to see Michel and discuss it... calmly.

Dirty bastard! I'll blast your brains out!

- Cut! - Clapper.

- Perfect, Carole. - Thank you.

See you tomorrow.

The gun!

- How are you? - That depends.

Drive me home. We'll talk on the way.

I have to ask you something.

Did you offer the role only to me?

Of course. Why?

Emmanuelle Beart claims you offered it to her at Cannes.

At Cannes? I didn't go this year.

You recognize me?

No, I'm sorry.

Last week... Chez Denise.

Get my drift?

Not at all. I don't know Denise.

The kinky night spot. Nearby.

My wife is Kathy. The blue G-string.

That doesn't ring a bell.

Aren't you Michel Blanc?

Yes, but you're mistaken.

Now I get it.

After the orgy, it's the cold shoulder.

The next time, even if it's Mickey Rourke...

he won't fuck my wife!

I never saw him. I'm sorry, Carole.

Relax, Michel. I'm discreet. I won't tell a soul.

I don't go to those places.

It's your private life. Take a right.

Good-bye.

Finish your screenplay and forget those seedy night spots.

Seriously, Carole...

Relax. I was just kidding.

He called at 2:00 a. M.

Not about Carole.

He said: "Let's go to Regine's and have a drink."

I felt something was fishy.

You again.

I said if you came back, I'd clobber you.

Here you go.

What the hell? Are you crazy?

- You're deranged. - I warned you.

I'll forget what I saw...

but steer clear of me.

What is this? Candid Camera?

My son never tells me anything.

You just don't listen.

Soon I guessed something was wrong.

I bet you did.

I'm glad to see you. I have to take a leak.

What is it, Dad?

- I brought the rabbit pat�. - What pat�?

What you asked Mom for. Open up fast.

I never asked Mom for anything!

Take the pat� and shut up.

What should I do with all this?

What do you do with pat�? Deodorize toilets?

I never eat here.

You prefer wasting money in restaurants.

Easy come, easy go.

By the way...

you didn't fix the toilet yet.

I forgot to call the plumber.

The plumber? He'll ask for 500 francs!

I'm too busy to do it myself.

Where's the toolbox?

I have a dinner tonight. I'll do it tomorrow.

No, you won't. Where's the toolbox?

I don't have one. Why should I?

- To fix the toilet. - Well, I don't.

A fork will do.

Unless you don't have any, since you never eat here.

Come on, put the pat� in the fridge.

When did I ask for this?

Last week...

when you bumped into her.

You're losing your memory.

Do you have a nutcracker?

Look in there.

- Last week? - Yeah, last week.

You need some rest.

Your mother said you were acting funny.

You didn't even recognize her. She had to run after you.

If you ask me, you need a nice little lady.

Instead of trying to diddle the entire Top 50.

Pour me a glass of wine. Make yourself useful.

Something's fishy.

Pretty fishy...

He was acting strange.

He's awful when he writes.

He mingles with people he shouldn't mingle with.

He lives in nightclubs.

It's typical, so I didn't worry.

How's the screenplay?

Same as the last time.

You better not scrap this one.

You haven't finished one for over seven years.

What's with the writer's block?

My life is getting all screwy.

When the shit hits the fan, I'll get covered with it.

You're spreading yourself too thin.

You're well-paid to write. Why emcee in nightclubs?

Emcee?

I don't care about losing my 10%.

But it's really lousy for your image.

I never emceed anything!

- Someone saw you. - What do you want?

To throw me into a padded cell?

- You're overreacting. - Everything pisses me off!

My father does! Writing does! And so do you!

Can I be frank, Michel?

You seem depressed. Down in the dumps.

He has too many offers.

Don't start up again.

Come work at my country house.

You'll be totally free.

It's calm. There are no neighbors.

In the Sahara?

No, Provence. It's beautiful.

I can't write there.

It will do you good.

Carole's right. Go for three months.

- You'll finish the screenplay. - Come on.

I'd forget how to speak. I'd come back grunting.

Think it over. I'd even rent you a TV.

There's not even a TV?

Relax. I was in a rut, but I'm getting better.

I can feel it.

Let's go!

What is it? What do you want?

Are you Michel Blanc?

It's too early to say. And you?

I'm with the Clown Squad. Search!

I know a minister!

What are the charges?

I have no idea, goddamn it!

You still claim you left Carole Bouquet at 1:00 a.m.

Then you went to sleep.

I took two Valium and went to bed.

Mr. Blanc, let me tell you a secret.

I hate actors. I dream of nailing one.

My dream is coming true.

Remember that. It'll save us time.

Bring her in.

Why are you here?

Take a guess, sleazeball!

- Josie, what's wrong? - You know, motherfucker!

Scumbag! I'll kill you! Creep!

I want my share. Sit him down.

- I don't understand this! - Be reasonable.

We may get carried away...

Ms. Balasko, could you repeat your statement?

I sure can.

It was 3:00 a.m. The doorbell rang. I was alone.

It was that prick. I opened up. I've known him for 20 years.

He hit me, tied me to the radiator and fucked me.

If you can call it that!

- It's not true. - And you didn't make me come.

I faked it so you'd leave.

I better wake up now.

Keep denying it. Lock him up.

Get going!

Sex pervert!

There's been a mistake.

There's always a mistake. Life's a mistake.

Guys! The jet set decided to drop in.

Are we in the wrong disco? This joint is swanky.

Say hello. You're talkier on TV.

Maybe it's us. We mustn't be classy enough.

You're right.

What did you do, honey? To what do we owe this honor?

- Nothing. - We're not that stupid.

I swear. I'm innocent.

So are we.

The world is full of innocent people. Prisons too.

Like me... I'm an innocent murderer.

As for D�d�, he's an innocent firebug.

How about you, Mimi?

Can I call you Mimi?

- That hurts. - No, it doesn't.

Stop or I'll scream!

Don't bother. They won't come. They're watching TV.

You're hurting me.

You know why it hurts? Because you're tense.

Just relax a little and you won't feel a thing.

Stop! Leave me alone!

He's all knotted up.

All contracted.

- Fucking him will relax us all. - You're crazy!

I'll scream!

It could help your career. It's losing steam.

"Studio" says you're overpaid.

Imagine the coverage:

"Blanc Butt-fucked Behind Bars!"

Sounds good... like a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Help!

Nominated!

- I can't stay here. - You're free.

The charges were dropped. Get out.

You're lucky. But we'll meet again. I have ESP.

Can you sign the guest book?

Most of your colleagues already have.

Why are you here? To slap me too?

Did I rape you also?

What are you talking about? Relax.

They asked when you left my place.

What happened?

I don't know. I'm exhausted.

I want to see a psychiatrist.

Take the back door. There are reporters.

See a psychiatrist after a good night's sleep.

No way. I'm going to the emergency ward.

- I'll drive you. - No, I may be dangerous.

Leave! I may be a monster!

Look.

Look who it is.

The psychiatric ward?

Third floor. You can't miss it.

Are you Carole Bouquet?

Can I have an autograph?

Of course. I need a piece of paper.

- Let's go. - Wait a second.

We have to go.

If it's a girl, I'll name her Carole.

Is it this way?

It looks like it.

Mr. Blanc, you are neither Dr. Jekyll...

nor Mr. Hyde.

You are simply an overworked actor...

sometimes playing the role of another...

Michel Blanc.

Without admitting it.

You mean I'm schizoid.

No, you need peace and quiet.

I'll give you some pills...

which will turn all this into a bad dream.

Do you have a country house where you can relax for a while?

I do. In Provence.

Perfect. I have a lot of patients there.

Get some rest.

And keep us laughing.

Take a gun along. One never knows.

I don't need rest. I'm not tired.

You can be so negative.

No, I'm a nervous wreck. Shouldn't I be?

Really.

I forget I raped Balasko and I shouldn't panic?

You'd have reason to panic if she forgot.

Joke about it. How nice. And it was in bad taste.

I'm trying to relax you.

How can I relax? I'm confused.

You try too hard to understand. Just accept the mystery.

Mysteries can be beautiful.

Did working with Bu�uel turn you into a mystic?

You need a dose of Bu�uel.

What does that mean?

Forget it. Take your pills.

You can be a real Ice Queen.

And you, a real schmuck.

Wake up. We're here.

What do you think?

I see...

It's worse than I thought.

You think I can write a comedy here?

- So? - I don't know. Not a sound.

He didn't eat. But he washed down his pills with all the whisky.

Go have a look.

It's been three days. It's not normal.

I can't interrupt his work.

He'll eat when he's hungry.

He may never be hungry again.

What do you mean by that?

Alcohol and pills make bad cocktails...

but good corpses.

You think he's suicidal?

He's no Little Mary Sunshine.

You have a vivid imagination.

My eyes have seen all.

He's just like my cousin Albert: Tiny and homely.

One day we found him hanging over the toilet.

Stop with this nonsense.

I'll go. You gave me the creeps.

Michel, are you okay?

I told you so! My God! Tragedy has struck again.

Make lunch and calm down.

Michel, I'm coming in.

Shit! Michel!

I swear! It wasn't me!

Are you okay?

- Where am I? - You're in Provence.

I'm Carole Bouquet. Remember?

- What? - You're in the country.

Wait. I can't hear.

You're in the country. At my house.

- What time is it? - Two o'clock.

Why the earplugs?

- There's no noise. - I noticed.

The silence woke me up.

I'm sorry I barged in. I was worried.

- You don't move, you don't eat. - I'm all tense.

It's normal. You stay in this gloomy room.

Go work outside.

Who can write outdoors? It's an indoor thing.

The light is beautiful.

- I'm not a painter. - Right...

At least open the shutters. Admire the view.

The view freaks me out, like an endless Easter Sunday.

Maybe some sunshine would cheer you up.

That would be a first.

I made a beef stew... with truffles.

And a Saint-Joseph. Is that okay?

It's okay for the stew, but not for me.

You think I can work after beef stew?

Come on.

Yesterday you ate as little as you wrote.

I see.

I have to earn my keep.

I'll pay you for the truffles.

Don't react that way. I was trying to be nice.

Right.

I wonder why you're so nice.

Is Carole Bouquet trying to score a comic?

How's that for an answer?

- It's fine. - Perfect!

Now shower, get dressed...

and drop the tacky Woody Allen shtick.

Neurotic clowns bore me stiff.

Lunch is in 20 minutes.

- Is that clear? - Yes, Carole.

We're eating outside.

That may do me good.

Your stew is delicious, Carole.

Thank you, Michel.

- Help yourself. - No, I'm full.

- Are you finished? - Go ahead.

I'm sorry for this morning.

Forget about it.

It must be the tranquilizers and the whisky.

Try going cold turkey.

I'll try. It won't be easy.

Why are you wearing a hat? We're in the shade.

The sun peeps through the leaves. I'll look like Gorbachev.

I won't insist.

I'll see you later at the mall.

- Excuse me? - My granddaughter's a fan.

She wants you to sign a cassette.

What is this all about?

It was in the paper.

- What paper? - Wait.

- Is it here? - In the garbage.

I found it!

"Michel Blanc will sign cassettes...

in person at Continental Supermarket."

Now can I take tranquilizers?

Let's take the bull by the horns.

Where are you going?

We shouldn't do this.

The nightmare is almost over.

- The video aisle? - That way.

Come on, Julien. It's your second shot.

Aim for the target!

You have one last try.

Remember the rules.

You have three chances to dunk Michel Blanc.

You're not crazy. You have a look-alike.

He looks like me?

I can't tell the difference.

Are you happy now?

You'd be happy to look like him?

Are you ready for your third shot?

Throw the ball.

I hear he gets unemployment too.

We'll wait outside.

Call the cops. He raped Balasko.

I won't let him touch you.

- Excuse me. - No more autographs.

- Just a question. - What is it?

- Who are you? - Michel Blanc. Are you blind?

- And you? - We're Michel Blanc too.

- Shit. - Wait!

Stop!

Wait!

Let's talk!

He has a Porsche!

I love speeding!

Buckle up!

There he is.

- Are you okay? - Not great.

- Stop. - We have him.

Your stew is coming back up.

- Excuse me. - You feel better?

I'm sorry. We lost him.

Maybe not.

You have his address?

A certain town keeps popping up.

- So? - Let's go there.

Who knows where it is?

- We'll find it. - We never will.

Don't be so pessimistic. It's exhausting.

Buckle up.

What do we do now?

Take his agenda and ask around.

- Why do I have to? - Because I just drove 400 km.

Stop asking questions and do something.

Okay, I'll go.

But your attitude is really getting on my nerves.

- I'll take note. - Do that.

Hello.

Here's the star. How's our Patrick?

- What Patrick? - The handsome one. Have a drink.

So you came after all?

He misses us. Give me a kiss or do I have to get up?

Hi, gorgeous.

New cologne? I liked the other one.

You didn't come alone.

He finally brought us one.

Shit! It's Carole Bouquet!

- No way! - You hit the jackpot!

What a bastard.

My old school buddy is banging Bouquet!

I get all the dogs.

You think you're so special?

You're no fucking Alain Delon.

Take it easy. You misunderstood.

- Bullshit. - Cut it out, lovebirds.

I have to go.

I got a package for your mother.

Take it. Save me the trip.

- Okay. - Here.

Give Carole our love.

I will.

- So? - They called me Patrick.

This is for my mother.

One guy is a schoolmate.

They think you're him. It works both ways.

He got lipstick on you.

- Where are we going? - To visit Mom.

We have the address.

Well, I'll be!

Hello, ma'am.

You should have called, Patrick. That's not nice.

I'm in my nightgown. This is no way to greet Carole Bouquet.

How typical. Come in... you'll catch pneumonia.

It's not too late?

Of course not. Come in.

Go get a bottle of wine from the basement.

- The basement? - Yeah, the one under the house! Hurry!

Unless you prefer vermouth?

I don't want to bother you.

It's no bother. I'm ashamed. It's like a gypsy camp here.

This way.

I'll show you your room.

We can't stay.

Stay for dinner. The fridge is empty anyway.

- We're in a rush. - Don't argue, Carole.

Can I call you Carole? I'm Marthe.

Have a seat.

Looking at the pictures?

I cut out everything. I'm a real mama.

You have kids too.

Whenever I see Patrick on TV, I cry my eyes out.

- Patrick? - That's his real name.

Patrick Olivier.

He changed it. He was afraid of his father.

One night his father and I were watching TV.

All of a sudden we saw him!

We were proud.

It was better than seeing him in jail cells.

He just stole a few car radios. It could have got worse.

He was shocked to see himself.

He wanted to surprise us. Good kid.

Carole, we have to hurry.

First have a bite to eat.

Take the tray.

- We'll eat and run. - We're not hungry.

I am, Patrick.

- What now? - They're eating.

- Since when? - 45 minutes ago.

It's the main course. They already had tomato salad.

- Drinks? - Muscadet.

The wine didn't go with the tomato salad.

There was tuna in it.

I'd have served a C�tes du Rh�ne and drunk the white next.

- What's next? - I gave her pork pie.

She roasted some garlic.

Some spuds too.

I have some leftover camembert!

She has plenty of cheese.

Everything's fine.

How is she?

Sweet and simple.

She had two helpings of headcheese.

You're nuts. We shouldn't have stayed.

She's so happy.

Maybe they're partners.

They'll poison us and bury us under a dung heap.

I sauteed some mushrooms. They'll help wash down the pork.

You're not eating!

It's the humidity.

Madame Baudet!

- Is it a bad time? - We're eating.

Come in. It's Madame Baudet.

But it's a family dinner.

Nothing fancy. Have some tart with us.

You know Carole Bouquet. This is Patrick's old teacher.

- Hello, Mrs. Bouquet. - Hello, ma'am.

Hi, sonny.

Have a glass of wine.

With pleasure. We'll have coffee at my place.

Just next door. My son is dying to see you.

- He adores you. - We have to leave.

They're shooting a movie nearby.

Just five minutes. The time to say hello.

It will perk him up. He's been paralyzed for five years.

Okay, let's go now.

But just five minutes.

You're a good person.

I knew it.

Come, it's this way.

Come on.

Go in. He's in there.

Go ahead!

Hello. I'm glad to meet you.

Mama...

- My hand... - We'll drop by later.

- Hold my hand. - Of course.

Are you okay?

- Is he okay? - This has never happened.

What's wrong?

You better rest.

Stay in bed.

- Oh, shit! - He's walking.

Come on, Carole.

I'm walking!

It's a miracle!

He's walking!

- I'm walking! - Please, come!

Look... I'm walking!

I've had enough. Come on!

I'm walking.

Shit!

I'm walking. I have a hard-on!

Excuse us.

Come on, Carole.

Let go of her hand, mister!

Start the car.

You never wondered what this is all for?

Success? Stardom? All the blah-blah?

I haven't had the time recently.

Let's discuss this another time. Drive.

What have you done with your talent?

Excuse me?

I've found the answer.

I gave legs to a cripple.

You're pulling my leg. Cut it out.

You think you healed a cripple?

He had an unconscious block. Seeing you released it.

There was no miracle.

You don't believe a thing. Even what you see.

I'm not the one going haywire. You are.

See it that way, if it helps you.

It would help me to tell the cops.

Forget the police. We'll find Patrick and scare him.

For his mother's sake.

You're unbelievable!

This is my life! He's my double, not yours!

The cops aren't on your ass!

So you work your miracles elsewhere.

I won't take you to the cops.

I'll hitchhike. Let me off.

It may take a while.

Keep the faith, sister.

Okay, but I warned you.

I can't leave him.

Is your tantrum over? Climb back in.

It's hard to refuse.

I'll get in behind, if you don't mind.

I can drive slowly.

Don't bother. I just feel like it.

You're a strange guy.

Are you sick again?

Do I look it?

You just look strange.

- In what way? - As if something's up.

- Bingo! - What the hell?

Pure heaven. I'm fondling Carole Bouquet's breasts.

Yes. So?

- So they're hot and soft. - I mean what's next?

Next maybe we can go hump.

It's time to get serious, Patrick. Okay?

- How did you guess? - Call it intuition.

You're hurting me.

Stop! I have a gun!

Who's that tiny, bald actor?

- Michel Blanc? Where? - Under the salad bar.

- Isn't she Carole Bouquet? - Get out!

Move it!

I'm coming!

While I reload.

Shit! I didn't know they were a couple.

- Put your gun away. - Shut up and walk.

Where are we going?

Move or your asshole will have a double too.

Did you lie to your whole town?

Yeah. They stopped calling me a loser.

The bigger he got, the more they liked me. I was trapped.

There was no harm done. No one died.

- Nothing serious. - And Balasko?

I wanted to steal some money from her.

Seeing her tied to the radiator was too much.

I'm only human.

Listen, shrimp. I'll make it brief.

Keep a low profile from now on.

If I see you again, I'll knock the shit out of you.

- Understand? - Don't worry.

Beat it now, or we'll start all over.

I'm going.

I'd have come before, but Carole Bouquet refused.

The miracle unglued her.

She says it's a miracle. I say it's just nerves.

I bet he became a veggie again after we left.

I wanted to tell you because he's dangerous.

Do you have any questions?

Cheers. I've always wondered.

Do you improvise this stuff or learn it by heart?

Act in our Nativity Pageant with us next Christmas.

Proud of yourself?

On TV, you sing for Ethiopia.

But when the cameras stop rolling, you squeal.

Who are you kidding?

- I'll bash your face in! - What is it?

- Relax! - I'll kill you!

You're crazy! Let me explain.

Explain what? That you got me in deep shit?

- I'm suffocating. - Save the explanation.

Scum!

Listen, I didn't ask to look like you.

Believe me, I'd have chosen another face.

Yours is no fun.

And you picked some lousy roles.

Can't you vary them? They're boring.

Spare me your advice. I don't need it.

That's a shame. You'd have avoided some duds.

If you're ashamed, don't act like me.

I have all the minuses. I deserve the pluses too.

I have no privacy.

When I trip, everyone laughs.

You chose your life, and it paid off. You can't complain.

All I can do is cry.

You've ruined my life.

What about mine? I can't get a decent job with your face.

What if Hitler looked like Groucho Marx?

You screwed up my life. That's the truth.

I'm wasting my time with you.

I won't change my job or my face either.

Find a solution and get a life.

If you start again, I'll find smarter cops.

Good night.

I know a good solution.

The best is to leave me alone.

We could become partners.

It'd be smarter to share the job.

I don't understand... or I'm too scared to.

I'll do the TV shows that bore you.

- You're talking fraud here. - Why?

The public gets their money's worth.

You do movies and write. I'll do talk shows.

Your public won't complain.

Sometimes you seem dead tired. You're only human.

I'll do the movies you do for the money.

You do the quality stuff. An actor's dream.

- It's never just for money. - Cut it out.

There's more to it.

And I bet you like the products you advertise.

Think it over.

How about taking a year off?

India. Burma.

Sunset by the Sulu Sea. The streets of Manila.

This is insane.

You wouldn't be the first.

Ever wonder how Depardieu makes so many movies?

It's humanly impossible.

You're a raving lunatic. You scare me.

I don't need an answer now. Take your time.

You know where to find me.

Good night.

I made a huge mistake that I will pay for dearly.

What the fuck is happening?

I was right. I'm starting to panic.

Is Carole home?

Is it a bad time?

I warned you.

No, it's me. Michel.

I've been patient, Patrick.

Now I'm getting angry.

I'm not my double. I'm Michel Blanc.

Really? It won't work. Come in.

Come here.

You're Michel Blanc? Perfect timing: I'm eating with him.

Bad luck, huh?

Say something, guys.

Talk.

You can't believe him.

There's a slight resemblance.

Honey, it's obviously not him.

I'm no fool. They're all blind.

The eyes are off.

This isn't funny.

The voice. Michel never sounded like a fairy.

There's the bastard who raped me.

Josie, cut it out.

Where's your hard-on?

- You miss the radiator? - Josie, please!

I'll castrate this freak.

Patrick, it can only get worse.

I'm sorry we were violent. It's to make you see reason.

I'll help you if you decide to change.

Help me wake up. I'm fed up.

A double brandy.

Coming up.

Another.

Can you look at me?

I mean... do you recognize me?

Don't bother. Pay up, mister.

You misunderstood.

Have you seen me before?

I don't know. Turn around.

Yeah... you're that asshole weatherman.

No, not on TV. At the movies.

Sorry, mister. Movies bore the shit out of me.

Drink up and go.

You're pushing your luck.

I'm sorry to say the party's over.

Put away your toys.

Give me my keys and get out of my life.

Despite appearances, you're an optimist, Michel.

A real Pollyanna.

It's bad for your films.

The scenario is in my hands now.

It won't be The Sound Of Music. Not for you, at least.

So get used to it.

Now I'm spinning the Wheel of Fortune.

Our face is as much mine as yours.

It's like time-sharing a condominium.

You enjoyed it for the first 40 years.

Now I've come with my bags to evict you.

You think I'll let you?

You have no choice.

Killing me isn't your style.

You're a conformist, Patrick.

Don't call me Patrick.

Get used to it. You're Patrick now.

You better go before I tell the cops...

a thug claiming to be me has raped my friends.

You pig.

Your time-sharing days are numbered.

I'm shutting down the condo. Me, Michel Blanc!

In 24 hours, it won't be worth diddly-squat!

Mr. Blanc, can I help you?

Show me a big, fat diamond necklace.

Have a seat. I'll call the manager.

- What's going on? - Bullshit.

They're making a cops-and-robbers movie.

Typical TV fare: Violence, blood and guts.

He was better with a moustache. He got fat.

It's normal. All movie stars drink.

Get down!

Will you open the safe?

Open it, goddamn it!

Great special effects!

The alarm went off. The police won't be long.

Will you tell them what I did?

I promise that if you leave now, it will remain our secret.

Don't be stupid. You'll ruin your career.

What if I want to ruin it? That's my business, not yours.

It's ours too. We love your movies.

Especially Santa Sucks!

I wasn't in Santa Sucks! Open the safe now!

It's hard work. I'd never have guessed.

- Is there an exit? - No, just offices.

Too bad. Go down.

Step on it.

We'll make the 8 o'clock news.

I'll call my wife. What channel?

I can't say. All the bids aren't in yet.

If you need me, I'm in makeup.

Michel was on a shoot when he heard. He's overwhelmed.

- I have to go. - Where is he right now?

In his apartment. He'll make a statement at 20:15.

Excuse me, a man's life is at stake.

So all ends well for him.

It's awful for all the innocent victims.

But for us...

his friends and family, it's a huge relief.

- No one suspected anything? - Sure, I did.

We thought it was stress. It's a crazy business.

I wanted him to dance, like me. They're stubborn.

I knew it, but he wouldn't listen.

She's just too smart.

Tell us, Doctor...

Is he insane? Unbalanced? Sick?

He came in, claiming to be Michel Blanc.

I immediately observed the symptoms of the Zinss Syndrome:

Acute self-deprecation...

obsessional neuroses...

penile disgust.

I wasn't alarmed. It's common in show business.

Can he plead insane?

Bouquet.

Detective, in five minutes...

I'll bring him out.

First, the courts are full.

Second, mind your own business.

Perfect. In that case, I'll do it without your okay.

Stop her!

Stop her, damn it!

What happened?

Seeing her for real was too much.

Guess who's here.

I was shopping when I heard you were here.

I had an overpowering desire to see you.

Can I come down?

Are you down there?

I don't want to bother you either.

We were a little hard on you yesterday.

I'd like to take some time to talk a little.

You know what we should do?

Sneak away from everyone and go to the sea.

We could talk and collect seashells.

Okay, Patrick?

I'm not Patrick! And I'm not dumb!

I think you're tired, that's all.

I too sometimes wonder who I am.

I know who I am. Michel Blanc.

Leave, Carole. Don't be stupid.

I've been dying to do something stupid.

Ever since...

I felt your hot hands on my chest.

Maybe that's why I'm here.

The more I see you, the more my head spins.

I'm going to faint.

Stop hamming it up.

I'm not acting.

What is it like when I lie down here, vulnerable?

Like a defenseless victim.

Carole, I'm Michel. Please, believe me.

Who cares who you are... who I am...

All I see are two bodies...

terribly close to each other.

Describe this evening.

It's sweet, like in spring.

I find it steamy and torrid.

Like in Malaysia, before the monsoon.

If only we could strip.

I'm suffocating. Can't you feel it?

Your belt is tight.

No, my life is. My role is suffocating me.

I'm sick of being cold and inaccessible.

I'm sick of scaring people.

I used to dream of sultry lambadas, sweaty guys and rock concerts.

Big, strong arms that cage you in...

protect you and manhandle you.

No one ever manhandles me.

Manhandle me, Patrick. Be vulgar.

What's so special about Balasko?

- I'm not Patrick. - Fuck me like a secretary!

Sorry, Patrick. I did it to save your life.

Yours and your mother's.

If someone's in trouble, he should avoid you!

I knew he was the double...

so I set off the alarm.

Press conference!

One day you'll thank me.

They'll give you lots of nice little pills.

You'll feel great afterwards.

If you need me, feel free to call.

You'll see. It'll be like a vacation.

What a nice surprise.

Look, guys, he's back.

We missed you, you know.

D�d� didn't eat for three days after you left.

You got it wrong. I'm not Michel Blanc.

Look. I'm smaller.

Fatter too.

We like you anyway.

Help!

Olivier, Patrick. Warden's office.

- Have a seat. - No, thank you.

Mr. Olivier, I hope you'll remember your stay here fondly.

I also hope that these few months have taught you something.

Remember you're always welcome.

- First name. - Patrick.

Acting experience?

Lots, but I can't remember exactly.

Too bad. You need a good memory to act.

I can be an extra. To start with.

You won't be starting soon, because I have nothing for you.

Go look on the board in there. You never know.

I can act in English too.

I'm glad you mentioned it. Spielberg calls often.

Next!

I read the ad.

- Whose double are you? - Michel Blanc's.

- You think so. - I'm tired.

With makeup...

Don't get your hopes too high.

Good-bye.

Next!

They didn't choose you.

I've been waiting. I spotted you earlier.

- Were you also... - Yes, sir.

You're Noiret's double?

Catherine Deneuve's, but I have the flu.

I'm joking.

We can joke around.

Can I walk with you?

I have nowhere to go.

Perfect. I'm going in that direction.

Why are we here?

Because we have to talk.

You're not eating.

Eat!

You're depressing me. You look down and out.

Have some cheese if you don't like blood pudding.

After I have some nice Port wine.

We'll smoke a cigar and talk things over.

I'm not hungry.

Of course you are. Prison gives you an appetite.

Why do you say that?

Because you just got out of jail.

It always ends the same way.

The same old screenplay.

Look at me. I am Philippe Noiret.

What happened to you happened to me.

First they replace you for the drudgery.

One day it goes too far.

The key doesn't fit in the lock.

You're thrown out with the garbage.

So I'm not alone?

Of course you're not alone.

At first I liked it. My wife was becoming a pain.

Then... you get used to it.

I won't accept it. I want to fight back.

Fight back?

Why fight back? Let me show you something.

May I row?

What was there before? A movie theater.

Another one there.

Before, they sold love and adventure. Now they peddle garbage.

There are theaters left.

There sure are!

Did you ever see what's playing? Any French films?

That's what you hear now.

French cinema is biting the dust.

We'll all end up mice in their amusement parks.

Aren't you exaggerating?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Did you ever look at the figures?

You should. Because they're not reassuring.

Come see the current state of French cinema.

Look!

It's under there.

French cinema is now the Unknown Soldier.

- Come on, Philippe. - Isn't this like the French Oscars?

I have some money left. Come have a coffee.

Do you see your movies with him?

Supposedly he does typical Noiret. And you?

Go see the last one. You'll enjoy it.

What is it?

It's about doubles. With Carole Bouquet.

Cut!

There are two guys there! Can't you see them?

We're shooting a film here. Please move.

Excuse us.

Camera!

The weather is simply delightful.

How about taking a walk?

Gentlemen...

would you be interested in acting?

In my movie. We need two waiters.

No, thank you.

Come on. Let's not hang around.

Give them an inch...

What are the conditions?

Name your price.

Talk to our agents. No less than 2500 a day.

Plus a per diem. We're not from Paris.

We're based in London.

And a trailer too. The trailer's important.

Take them to makeup.

We'll start once they're ready.

This way, guys.