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♪ [ Jazz ]

♪ We've come to the Copa ♪

♪ to be discovered ♪

♪ we've come to the Copa ♪

♪ to be found and to get around ♪

♪ another Grable or Garson ♪

♪ may be uncovered ♪

♪ and soon, soon, soon we'll be Hollywood bound ♪

♪ Hollywood, Hollywood bound ♪

♪ we're waiting for Goldwyn ♪

♪ and David O. Selznick ♪

♪ for Leo McCarey ♪

♪ and the rest ♪

♪ they'll find me willing and able ♪

♪ to sign a contract ♪

♪ do, do, do-do ♪

♪ that call ♪

♪ for a cinema test ♪

♪ a cinema test ♪

♪ I could emote ♪

♪ and lay my soul bare ♪

♪ something like miss Claudette Colbert ♪

♪ make you put a hankie ♪

♪ to your eye ♪

♪ what's another Alice Faye worth ♪

♪ or another Rita Hayworth ♪

♪ if Jane Russell made it ♪

♪ so can I ♪

♪ [ continues, distant ]

Take good care of this. And at 10:00, give it a saucer of milk.

Hi, beautiful.

Don't you think you're wasting your time,

hanging around here with all these empty hats and coats?

Is this the big agent you come here to see?

Why you always chasing women?

I'll tell you as soon as I catch one.

Liggett, you big-time agents give me a pain in the neck.

How do you expect me to run a high-class club with the same old tired acts?

But that's exactly what I'm getting at, Steve. You ever see a list of names--

- excuse me, Mr. Liggett. - Yes? What is it?

I have a card for you. Two people waiting to see you.

Navarro and Devereaux? Humph. Never heard of 'em.

- Throw 'em out. - Yes, sir.

Do me a favor, Steve. Don't ever become an agent.

You waste half your time being annoyed by small-time hams looking for work.

Here comes the maître d'. Looks like he's in a good mood.

I guess we'll get to see Liggett this time.

I'm sorry, but I must ask you to leave quietly.

Leave? What do you mean?

Just a minute. Did you give my card to Mr. Liggett?

Yes. And he doesn't want to see you.

Now, please. No fuss. No excitement. This is the Copa.

This is an outrage. You'll hear from my lawyer.

- As soon as he gets a telephone. - Gentlemen--

- Please, no fuss. - No excitement. This is the Copa.

Please, no fuss. This is the Copa.

- I feel like I'm walking on air. - You are.

Take a left at the next corner.

[ Whispers ] You wait here.

- Well? - Not yet. The clerk is still awake.

Oh, Lionel, I cannot stand this kind of a life anymore.

Why don't we get married?

Let's not rush into marriage. We can't even get into the hotel.

At least if we got married, we could live in one room instead of two.

It would only cost half as much.

How much cheaper could it be? We're not paying anything now.

I don't think you want to marry me.

How can you say that? We've been engaged for almost ten years.

Okay. I think he's asleep.

[ Car horn blares ]

[ Siren wails ]

[ Siren fades ]

- [ Whispers ] I guess we got by him all right. - I heard that!

It's your fault. We should've climbed up the drainpipe like we always do.

Ah-ha! Sleeping on the job. A fine night clerk.

Suppose some crook tried to sneak out of here without paying his bill?

You mean, instead of trying to sneak in?

Mr. Devereaux, I'm sorry to tell you this.

But Mr. Green, the manager, said if your bills aren't paid by tonight,

we'll be forced to lock you out.

Here you are. There's a bill for miss Navarro's room and a bill for your room.

That's a fine way to treat permanent guests.

You realize I've run up a bigger bill than anyone else in this hotel?

Oh, well, I quibble. Let me have a check. A blank one.

Like that expression on your face.

- What bank you do business with? - Second national trust.

- Are you sure they're good for that much money? - Oh, that's a big bank.

You have to be careful with banks these days.

A lot of my checks have been coming back recently.

- There you are. - Just one little detail, Mr. Devereaux.

- You didn't sign it. - Naturally.

Well, without your signature it's worthless.

That's what you think. It's perfectly good now.

If I sign it, it really would be worthless.

But I can't hand Mr. Green an unsigned check.

Oh, trying to influence me to pass bad checks, eh?

You know that's a penitentiary offense?

[ Man ] Mr. Devereaux. Just a minute.

Oh, hello, Mr. Green. I-I just gave your clerk my, uh, check.

Yes, I have it right here in my hand.

Now, listen, Devereaux. You and I both know that that check is no good.

- Oh, I-I thought only I knew it. - [ Scoffs ]

One of these days, with an act like ours, Navarro and Devereaux will be right--

take it easy. Take it easy! I've seen your act.

Now, let me ask you a very simple question.

Wouldn't you much rather live at the Waldorf instead of a fleabag like this?

Wouldn't you rather eat at 21...

Instead of those sidearm beaneries where you eat now?

Sure. Who wouldn't? But how?

- Split up the act. - S-split up the act?

- Oh, I-I couldn't do that to Carmen. - You don't understand.

I'm suggesting she do it to you.

My boy, I've watched 'em come and go in this hotel for the past 30 years.

Seal acts, dog acts, tumblers, jugglers, tap dancers,

but you are, without a doubt, the most untalented man I've ever seen.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that. - No, but I would.

How you ever got off the stage without being killed...

By the outraged customers, I don't know.

There must be something you can do besides what you've been doing.

Well, I've come to the end of my Patience with you.

Now, I'll give you just 24 hours to pay that bill.

Otherwise, I'll be forced to lock you out.

You haven't got an extra cigar on you, have you?

Cigars are sold at the cigar counter.

[ Mumbles ]

[ Knocking ] Come in!

Lionel, what took you so long?

I just had a heart-to-heart talk with the manager.

Are they going to throw us out?

Don't be silly. They wouldn't throw the best act in show business out.

I know. But what about us?

- What about eating? - Okay--

- dinner is ready. - Good. I haven't had breakfast yet.

- Oh, peanuts! Where did you get peanuts? - Oh, I've got friends.

[ Knocking ]

Come in. And bring your son with you.

What's the matter? You think you're wise guy, huh?

- Why you steal my monkey's dinner, huh? - All right. [ Muttering ]

[ Speaking Italian ]

Oh, well.

Fish!

[ Knocking ] Holy mackerel! Can't a guy eat in peace?

Oh. It's the gentlemen with the trained seal act.

- [ Chuckling ] - [ Barking ]

You're very lucky. I just happened to catch a trout in my inside pocket.

The next time you steal my seal's dinner, I'll slug you silly!

Come on, Genevieve.

[ Barking ]

That's the trouble with this country. Too many animals...

Taking the food right out of people's mouths.

[ Green's voice ] You could live at the Waldorf. You could eat at the colony.

- You said 21. - Oh, pardon me, I mean 21.

What's this, 21? At a time like this, you want to play card games?

Carmen, how would you like to live at the Waldorf, to dine at 21?

How would you like to wear diamond bracelets up to your elbows?

Lionel, I don't mind if you give bad checks.

But don't do anything dishonest like stealing.

I'm sick and tired of being applauded.

- Of making people laugh. - What people?

Well, that's besides the point. Anyway, I've given my farewell performance.

I'm retiring from the acting profession.

But, Lionel, you mean--

- from now on, I'm gonna be your agent. - My agent? But why?

We haven't been able to get an agent. That's why we haven't been eating.

You're a great performer, but somebody's gotta go out and sell you.

Now, who knows you as well as I do?

But, Lionel, how can you be an agent?

You have no office. No big list of clients.

Mere details. They'll think I have the biggest list of clients on Broadway.

But I'll concentrate on my top star-- you.

I'll have a magnificent suite of offices.

You'll have to go through 20 secretaries before you get to see my secretary.

And then the money will start rolling in by the millions.

Ha-ha! Before you know it, I'll have more money than you'll know what to do with.

What are you doing?

I just dropped my last nickel.

♪ [ Piano ]

I'll go downstairs to the main room and find the manager.

You sneak through the cocktail lounge and find the dressing room.

- How tall are you? - 5'6".

- Color of your eyes. Blonde? - Dark brown. Yes.

- Do you do ballet? - Yes.

- Tap? - Yes.

Now, this show has four more weeks to run before we go into rehearsal.

I'll take your names and telephone numbers,

and the girls we decide on will get a phone call.

- Your name? - Marjorie Kelly. Schuyler 2-8125.

Linda Lesieur. Pennsylvania 6-2183.

If I'm not at home, my husband will take the message.

Sylvia Robbins. Prospect 7262.

- Six what? - Six-two.

- Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? - Me?

I'm Andy Russell. I sing here.

Oh, excuse me, Andy. I didn't recognize you.

So you're Andy Russell. I don't know why I'm surprised. You look like Andy Russell.

- Especially on a clear day. - Say, who are you?

I just dropped in to see lifelong pal, Steve hunt.

- Oh, you're lifelong pal, he's... Right over there at the table. - Thanks.

- Which one is he? - The one in the gray suit.

Listen, babe.

- Yes? - How'd you like to see your name in lights?

- Why? Are you an electrician? - No, but I've got some good connections.

- Which one did you say he was? - The one in the gray suit.

Well, Steve hunt, my lifelong pal.

[ Laughs ] You haven't changed a bit.

- [ Laughs ] - Do I know you?

Do you know me? Lionel Q. Devereaux, your old roommate at Yale?

I never went to Yale.

Remember those good old days at Erasmus High?

I never went to erasmus high.

At least you do remember when we graduated from public school 27?

No.

Say, for a man with no education, you've done all right.

Listen, Steve, sit down in your chair.

Because when I tell you this, you're gonna fall right out of it.

I've got the star for your show.

I don't know. I've had a lot of trouble with you agents lately.

- You don't mind if my secretary takes notes, do you? - Not at all.

Not if I get a copy for my files.

- I might even get a file if I get enough copies. - Take notes, Anne.

Steve, my boy, the greatest star in Brazil has just landed in New York.

And I'm offering it to you first. Why?

Well, because you're my old kindergarten pal.

- What is it? - Carmen Navarro.

Never heard of her.

- You ever hear of her? - No, I never heard of her, Mr. Hunt.

- Andy. - Yes, Mr. Hunt.

Did you ever hear of a dame named Carmen Navarro?

Well, to tell you the truth, I--

- why do you have to tell him the truth? - Well--

let me give you my version of the truth. She the greatest discovery since penicillin.

- Isn't that right, Andy? - Sure. Terrific. Certainly did a lot for my throat.

- Who? Carmen? - No, penicillin.

There you are. If a great singer like Andy says she's good,

- she must be good. - If she's so good, why didn't you tip me off?

Well, I didn't know she was in town.

Steve, if you wanted a south American singer, why didn't you tell me?

I've got 16 of them on my list. They're a dime a dozen.

See here. You keep out of this or I'll--

- I'll have the boys take care of you. - What boys?

Oh, just boys.

- Well, what do you say? - All right. Bring her in for an audition.

Well, I'll try, but it may take a lot of persuasion.

What did he say her name was?

♪ [ South American ]

[ Singing in Spanish ]

She sure took a lot of persuading.

At least three seconds.

- Plenty of pepper, huh? - In a nice shaker, too.

♪ [ Ends ]

What do you think of her, boss?

Outside of nuts, she's the greatest thing that ever came out of Brazil.

- Outside of nuts. - I like her.

- Great. - She'll do.

I knew you'd be crazy about her. If we work fast, I think we can get her.

Which will probably take another three seconds.

What other acts do you handle? I need a singer for my cocktail lounge.

- The chanteuse. - Well, uh, right now I'm concentrating on Carmen.

If you ask me, he's only got one client.

Is that so? How many clients have you got?

I've got so many clients, they get in my hair.

This guy must handle a flea circus.

Well, Devereaux, let's see your list of clients.

My list of clients? Oh, yes, my-- my list of clients.

- Let's see now-- - you've got a list, haven't you?

Well, of course. Fine agent I'd--

I'd be without a list-- or without clients.

Where is it?

Oh, h-here it is. In the last pocket. I-it's always in the last pocket.

Believe me, the next suit I get isn't gonna have a last pocket.

Okay, come on. Who you got?

[ Lionel ] Now, let's see. There's, uh--

how 'bout silky maiden?

Silky maiden? Sounds like a horse.

Of course. It's a horse act. Nothing for an intimate cocktail lounge.

Who else you got?

Well, there's, uh-- there's, uh, Ruba Rubitchka.

Ruba Ru-- what's that?

Ruba Rubitchka? The greatest snake charmer in Czechoslovakia?

But you wouldn't want snakes in your cocktail lounge.

People might think they're seeing 'em and stop drinking your liquor.

How 'bout Carmen?

- Anybody else? - Well, there's, uh--

let's see, there's Finnegan's daugh--

- I mean grace Finnegan. Grace Finnegan. - Never heard of her.

Never heard of her? She did the mile in two-th--

she, uh-- grace Finnegan? Th-the greatest knife thrower in Australia.

- [ Steve ] She good? - [ Lionel ] good?

She'd kill the audience. And her partner too.

- Now, you take Carmen-- - knife throwers.

Snake-charmers. Haven't you got another singer?

There's a chanteuse. Mademoiselle Fifi.

Oh, boy, I'd like to see her.

Jack Armstrong, the all-American boy.

Yeah, how about this mademoiselle Fifi?

Steve, pal of my cradle days, if she was any good,

don't you think I would've brought her in?

Let me decide that for myself. Bring her in tomorrow.

Bring her in tomorrow? But what about Carmen? Don't you want her?

Forget Carmen. Bring in Fifi.

Forget Carmen and bring in Fifi?

You ought to go and get cured by penicillin.

Well, it is good for my throat.

So is a razor.

No, Lionel. No. It's too crazy.

I could not go back as Fifi when he already see me as Carmen.

It's ridiculous. He'll think I was twins or something.

Twins? Say, that's an idea. Twins. Why couldn't you be twins?

How can I be twins when one is born in Paris and the other in Brazil?

Why not? It's only four hours by plane.

Twin--

Do you see what I see?

♪ [ Orchestra intro ]

♪ Je vous aime ♪

♪ mon pétit ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ mon amour, mon sweet chérie ♪

♪ [ continues in French ]

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ [ Ends ]

I'd like to see her without that veil.

Oh, impossible-- it's, uh--

no one but her lover is allowed to gaze upon her face. Not even her husband.

It's an ancient Moroccan custom.

Moroccan? I thought you said she was French?

Well, uh, French Moroccan. They just took it over a few days ago.

Ask her if she'd like to sing here at the Copa.

- Uh, voulez-vous-- - oh, oui, oui, monsieur. Vous êtes trés charmant.

What'd she say?

Uh, she says she's, uh-- she's crazy about Carmen.

Oh, oui. [ Speaking French ]

- She's wonderful. Her face, her figure. - Great shape.

Her voice. Compared to her, I am nothing.

Carmen's all right. But, uh, you're different.

- Got an idea. - [ Lionel ] what is it?

I'll take them both.

You've got yourself a deal-- both? Oh, no--

oh, no. That's impossible, monsieur. That's--

what's impossible about it? They're both available, aren't they?

Yes. No, but--

how can you sell Carmen to work here?

You tell him you sell Carmen to the golden sleeper across the street. Remember?

- You lied to me, huh? - Looks like he lied to me.

Right now, I wish I was lying in the gutter.

Look, Devereaux, you promised me Carmen. I got it in writing.

Deliver or I'll sue you for breach of contract.

Well, now--

♪ [ Bolero ]

♪ My heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ under the stars ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ holding you ♪

♪ I was dazzled and electrified ♪

♪ while a tiny little voice inside ♪

♪ seemed to whisper darling ♪

♪ this is the moment of moments ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ remember were we dancing ♪

♪ was it a tango ♪

♪ or was it a beguine ♪

♪ all I know is my heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ and you were so close to me ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ under the stars ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

♪ holding you ♪

♪ I was dazzled and electrified ♪

♪ while a tiny little voice inside ♪

♪ seemed to whisper darling ♪

♪ this is the moment of moments ♪

♪ I don't remember ♪

♪ were we dancing ♪

♪ was it a tango ♪

♪ or was it a beguine ♪

♪ all I know is my heart ♪

♪ was doing the bolero ♪

♪ and you were so close to me ♪

♪ in Rio de Janeiro ♪

Say, dream girl, how'd you like to get in the movies?

Why? Have you got any passes?

No, but I could make a few.

- Who is it? - It's me. Lionel.

I was just looking for a shortcut. [ Chuckles ]

Well, here I am. Eighty percent lover, twenty percent agent.

Twenty percent? I thought you only get ten percent?

Well, there's two of you. That's ten percent apiece.

Oh, Lionel, I'm scared stiff. I cannot do it.

- How can I be two people in one night club? - I don't know why not.

It's very simple. I've got it all figured out.

- What's that? - Look. Timetable.

At 10:00, you're Carmen Navarro. That's easy, isn't it?

You're downstairs at 10:01, singing as Carmen. Finish at 10:06.

You're back here at 10:07. Start to change. You're finished dressing at 10:11.

Now you're mademoiselle Fifi. You leisurely race upstairs to the cocktail lounge...

And do your number as mademoiselle Fifi.

You're a big hit. But you don't stop to take a bow,

because you're due downstairs as Carmen.

- By the way, how are you on roller skates? - Roller skates?

You finish your number as Carmen and get back here at 10:25.

- Who do you think you are now? - Carmen.

Wrong. Fifi. With a little haste and ingenuity,

you arrive upstairs to do your number as mademoiselle Fifi.

Or is it Carmen? No, it's Fifi.

- It's 10:38. Now at 10:41, you rush-- - wait a minute.

10:38. 10:41. Three minutes are missing.

What do I do with the three minutes?

Don't you think we need a little time together?

All right. Two minutes. At 10:40, you--

don't tell me. I know. I have a nervous breakup.

"Up"-- down!

Up for Fifi and down for Carmen.

It's no good, Lionel. It's no good.

- Well, it's better than going to jail. - Jail?

- What did you do now? - I took a $300 advance on your salary.

- Return it. Give it back. - I can't.

I, uh, paid part of the hotel bill.

- What happened to the rest? - I invested it.

Oh, you invested? Well, when we going to get it back?

I won't know till after the fifth race.

- Yes? - You're on in three minutes.

Thank you.

Mademoiselle Fifi.

Mademoiselle Fifi!

Shh! She's taking a nap.

I'm awfully sorry. She's on in 15 minutes.

I'll tell her.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the management of the Copacabana...

Presents the debut...

Of another south American artist,

miss Carmen Navarro.

P.S. Mr. Hunt says...

Keep your eye on this girl.

She may go places.

♪ [ South American ]

♪ He's not a peanut vendor no, no ♪

♪ he's not an old-clothes mender oh, no ♪

♪ how señoritas all sigh ♪

♪ whenever he passes by ♪

♪ ay, ay ♪

♪ he hasn't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ he hasn't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ he hasn't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ no umbrellas ♪

♪ no bananas ♪

♪ and no mandolins or violins or pianos ♪

♪ so if you hear him shout or yell ♪

♪ or if you hear him ring your bell ♪

♪ he hasn't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ no tomatoes ♪

♪ enchiladas ♪

♪ and no rice or peas or coconuts ♪

♪ or potatoes ♪

♪ but, oh ♪

♪ how I can make love ♪

♪ it sends me up to heavens above ♪

♪ oh, whoa ♪

- ♪ do you see what I mean ♪ - what you mean? Hm?

♪ My heart jumps like a Mexican bean ♪

- ♪ ay ♪ - ♪ ay ♪

♪ he hasn't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ I haven't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ we haven't got a thing to sell ♪

♪ no umbrellas ♪

♪ no bananas ♪

♪ and no mandolins or violins or pianos ♪

♪ [ Ends ]

Carmen, you were an erupting volcano tonight.

- Magnificent. - Wonderful. Really wonderful.

Oh, Carmen--

congratulations on a swell debut.

Yeah, the customers really went for you in a big way.

- Oh, thank you both. - Thank you both.

- Hop on it. You got a fast change to make. - What's the hurry?

- She's got plenty of time. - That's what you think.

Why don't you and I go to the lounge and listen to Fifi.

Andy, why don't you go vocalize? I'll take miss Navarro up to hear Fifi.

Oh, Mr. Hunt, how could we arrange such a thing?

Will ya get in there before I collapse?

I hate to disappoint you, old man. I should have explained. But you see--

Carmen and I, we're, uh-- we're sort of sweet on each other.

I might add that, uh, she's the future Mrs. Devereaux.

- Hm. Reluctantly, I congratulate you. - Thank you.

- Gee, me too. - And thank you.

- When does the wedding take place? - Next week.

And as soon as it's feasible, we're going to Niagara Falls on our honeymoon.

I'll discuss that with you later.

- Niagara Falls? - You know, I'd really like to see those falls.

I was there three times and I never did get to see them.

Well, boys, you asked for it. Girls, here's your chance to get some personal publicity.

I want you to meet two of the country's foremost columnists.

- Louie Sobol. Earl Wilson. - How are you, girls?

- Hello. - And a mere editor,

- Abel green of variety. - Hiya, kids.

[ Indistinct chattering ]

Earl, you got enough material here to write half a dozen columns.

Who? Me? You know I never write anything about dames in my column.

- A woman hater. - Mr. Sobol,

I just know you'd like to interview us, wouldn't you?

Yes, I would. But where's the angle?

We all know what you girls do at night. That's not news.

What do you nightclub girls do in the daytime? There might be something in that.

Well, you can quit guessing. I'm studying interior decorating.

And I'm taking my master's degree at Columbia shortly.

And I just can't wait to delve further into Shakespeare.

- What do you do, honey? - Who? Me?

Oh, uh-- oh, I play third base for the Brooklyn Dodgers.

♪ [ Fanfare ]

♪ You'll have to click the heels ♪

♪ you'll have to kiss the hand ♪

♪ if you want to make a hit with Fifi ♪

♪ you'll have to buy the sparkling Jewel ♪

♪ and be prepared to fight the duel ♪

♪ you'll have to treat her swell ♪

♪ and say oui, oui, mademoiselle ♪

♪ or you wouldn't be liked a bit by Fifi ♪

♪ you say no, what's the diff ♪

♪ there are 50 million Frenchmen ♪

♪ who will click the heel ♪

♪ and kiss the hand ♪

♪ to make a hit with Fifi ♪

♪ you must say mon chérie ♪

♪ cette femme est trés Jolie ♪

♪ pour avoir des succès avec Fifi ♪

♪ il faut parler d'amour ♪

♪ et bijous ♪

♪ my lover will pursue beaucoup ♪

♪ you have to be ooh-la-la ♪

♪ or else oui, bourgeois ♪

♪ or you can't be loved a bit by Fifi ♪

♪ very well ♪

♪ you are bon ♪

♪ I have many debonair and savoir-faire chéries ♪

♪ who like to be squeezed ♪

♪ and make a hit with Fifi ♪

- What did I tell you? Child's play. - Leave me alone!

Go upstairs! You drive me crazy! Go!

Faster! Faster! We're way behind schedule.

Pick it up, kid. You only got a minute.

Not Fifi! Don't you remember? It's Carmen this time.

Child's play, huh?

Maybe we ought to get a child to play it.

- May I take your picture? - I'll say! Where's your studio?

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't you think you're wasting your time taking other people's pictures...

Instead of letting people take yours?

I'll bite, son. What are you selling?

Does the name Lionel Q. Devereaux do anything to you?

No. Does it to you?

You never heard of the Devereaux girls, like the Copa girls or the Goldwyn girls?

Mademoiselle Fifi is a Devereaux girl.

She used to be a complete nobody. No talent.

Nothing. Ha, ha, ha. Now look at her.

You look at her.

Did you hear the buildup I just gave you?

Out of my way, you broken-down Casanova.

I may have to put a bell around your neck.

Oh, monsieur hunt.

- Maybe you are waiting for me? Oh! - Maybe.

You know, it isn't every day of the year I discover a great star like you.

I thought we ought to go out and really celebrate your success.

- How about tonight after the last show? - Oh, mais certainment.

You come and get me?

- But only you and me, oui? - Oui.

It will be terrific. Au révoir, mon pétit chou.

I'll be waiting.

Listen, hunt. I wanna talk to you.

That's a coincidence. 'Cause I wanna talk to you too.

Well, I wanted to talk to you first.

I heard you trying to make a date with mademoiselle Fifi.

I just wanted you to know that she and I go around steady.

- We're sort of, uh-- - what?

- I wouldn't even be surprised if we got married. - Just a minute, Devereaux.

Didn't I hear you say the other day you were going to marry Carmen?

What are you going to do with two wives?

It so happens I like to play three-handed pinochle.

Now look, old school chum,

this may be a joke to you, but I'm serious.

Fifi is going to be my girl. I hope you get that straight.

- Well, what about Anne? - Anne? What's she got to do with it?

She ought to be your girl, not Fifi.

That's what happens in every movie I see.

Boss is in love with his secretary or the secretary's in love with the boss.

It all depends on which movie you go to.

You're a little mixed up, pal. Let me set you straight. Carmen is your girl.

Fifi is going to be my girl. Get it? My girl.

If I ever catch you hanging around her, I may be forced to...

Break you in half.

- Well, let me tell you a thing or two, pal. - Yes?

I just wanted to say that--

you can have both of them.

- Good night, Anne. - Good night, Andy.

- Could I drop you off at your place? - Thanks, Andy.

But I have to wait for Mr. Hunt.

We usually go to toots shore's for a snack after closing.

Could I join you? I don't eat much.

Well, um-- you see,

this is our only chance to go over his business.

He never has a moment for me during working hours.

- You understand, don't you? - Of course. Good night, Anne.

Will you ask me again next week?

Well, next week I have to see my dentist.

- But maybe the week after. - Fine.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, Mr. Hunt. Toots shore's?

Oh, Anne, gee, I must be in a fog or something.

I meant to tell you a long time ago not to wait.

Look, could you take a cab home tonight?

- You wouldn't mind just this once, would you? - No, of course not.

[ Steve ] Thanks a lot. We'll go to toots shore's tomorrow.

I'll try to make it up to you. See you in the morning.

Good night.

[ Man ] Hey, what's the matter with you?

What's the idea of waking people up at 3:00 in the morning?

3:00? Thanks.

Remember me? The man you're engaged to?

What's the idea of being out with Steve all this time? I-It's 3:00.

So, Mr. Casanova, you cannot dish it or take out, huh?

And you are jealous? How wonderful! How exciting!

Let me ask you something. What's he got that I haven't got?

He's young, he's handsome, he's strong--

stop. I-I withdraw the question. Where'd you go?

Oh, he took me to a very magnificent, wonderful, exciting restaurant.

Leaning napkins. Gypsy music.

And I ate as I never ate before.

I had a filet mignon. Such a beautiful, lovely, adorable filet mignon.

- With darling French-fried onions? - Oui!

And loveable mashed potatoes?

- Oui, oui. - Did he try to kiss you?

Oh, si and-- and how.

- Did you let him? - What could I do?

I am Fifi, the French coquette.

And he's my boss. And he's so young, so rich, so handsome--

skip it. We went through that before. Did you kiss him back?

Oh, yes. Yes.

We better get to a "no" pretty soon.

Where's my hat? I'm going straight to that guy and beat him to a pulp.

I don't care if he's sound asleep with his glasses on.

- But Lionel-- - don't try to stop me. There's nothing...

In the world that can stop me. But he's bigger than you. He could kill you.

Well, that stops me.

- Andy. Andy! - Oh, hello, Mr. Devereaux, what's new?

Listen, Andy. How would you like to play cupid?

Cupid? Well, I don't mind the wings and the bow and arrow,

but, uh, would I have to take off my clothes?

No. My plan is just as simple as you are.

Look, Steve has been paying too much attention to Fifi...

- When he's really in love with Anne. - Oh, is he?

- And Anne is in love with Steve. - Oh, is she?

They haven't told each other about it, so neither one of them know it.

Oh, gee, that's terrible. Somebody ought to tell them before they find it out.

Does... anybody know about it?

- I do. - Then why don't you tell them?

That's what I want you to do. You're the voice of romance, aren't you?

Now, here's my plan.

"Mademoiselle Fifi was seen inserting a filet mignon under her veil...

"With Steve hunt...

Just before sunrise."

[ Exhales ]

- Oh, it's you, Andy. - Yes.

- Were you expecting somebody else? - No.

That's good. Then we can be alone.

You know, you may not know it, but I'm cupid.

Where's your bow and arrow?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, I'm not really cupid. I'm also the voice of romance.

- I'm just doing it for you and Steve. - For me and Steve?

Why, sure. Everybody knows you're supposed to be in love with each other.

Especially Mr. Devereaux.

He knows it better than anybody else. He told me.

I wish people would stop interfering in my affairs.

I don't want to butt in. But if Steve doesn't tell you he's in love with you,

- then you have to tell him. - Why, that's ridiculous.

I'd rather die than say anything like that to him.

That's just it. You don't have to say it to him.

Just sing it to him. Like this.

♪ Stranger things have happened ♪

♪ stranger things by far ♪

♪ is it so remarkable ♪

♪ if we can touch the stars ♪

♪ this may be just a casual fling ♪

♪ and then again it could be ♪

♪ the genuine thing ♪

♪ stranger things have happened ♪

♪ this could be the night ♪

♪ and this glow around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything is possible ♪

♪ beneath the moon above ♪

♪ yes, stranger things have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

♪ [ holds note, ends ]

That's all there is to it. You see, when you sing the words,

you can say things that you can't say when you're talking...

Because talking is not like singing.

And when you sing, you can say things that you can't say when you talk.

Oh, sorry, kids. I hope I didn't break anything up.

Oh, no, Mr. Hunt. I was just going.

[ Softly ] Don't forget what I told you.

Say, what goes on between you two?

[ Door closes ] Oh, I, uh--

I have all the clippings for you.

Fifi certainly is taking this town by storm, isn't she?

- ♪ Stranger things have hap-- ♪ - say, what's the matter with you?

Me? Nothing.

I've never seen such reviews. Sensational.

Wonderful! Anne, where are you?

♪ Stranger things have happened ♪

- You sure you're all right? - I feel fine.

♪ Stranger things have happened ♪

- ♪ stranger things by f-- ♪ - Anne, please don't sing. I can't concentrate on these clippings.

[ Sighs deeply ] Is there anything you want me to do, Mr. Hunt, because if--

oh, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. I--

I want you to go down and order a 12-ounce bottle of perfume.

- Yes? - And have it sent to Fifi's hotel.

- Gardenia, I think she uses. - Oh.

And call up the florist and have them send a large box of flowers to her dressing room.

- And the sky's the limit. - Is that all?

Hmm? Oh! Now, don't get any wrong ideas.

You see, when you have a valuable property like Fifi, you have to cater to her.

Practically every saloon keeper in town is trying to steal her away from me.

You certainly have to work hard to make the Copacabana a success, don't you, Mr. Hunt?

Not half as hard as I'd have to work if I didn't have...

Such an efficient girl Friday.

Don't forget about those flowers. I have to go down and see about another act.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Hello? This is Mr. Hunt's secretary.

Please send over four dozen beautiful roses.

To the dressing room of mademoiselle--

no, no, wait a minute. Make it one dozen.

And n-not roses.

Uh, petunias. Do you have violets?

Yes? Good.

Change the order to one bunch of violets.

A very small bunch.

♪ [ Harp, glissando ]

[ Chattering ]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the climax of our show.

I give you, with great pride,

that scintillating star of the Copacabana,

that unique personality,

our one and only Anne Stuart.

♪ [ Harp glissando continues ]

[ Laughing ]

♪ Stranger things have happened ♪

♪ stranger things by far ♪

♪ is it so remarkable ♪

♪ if we can touch a star ♪

♪ this may be just ♪

♪ a casual fling ♪

♪ and then again ♪

♪ it could be the genuine thing ♪

♪ stranger things have happened ♪

♪ this could be the night ♪

♪ and this glow around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything is possible ♪

♪ beneath the moon above ♪

♪ stranger things have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

- ♪ [ vocalizing ] - Send her a bouquet of the most gorgeous flowers in the world.

♪ [ Continues vocalizing ]

♪ Stranger things have happened ♪

♪ this could be the night ♪

♪ and this glow around us ♪

♪ could be heaven ♪

♪ in sight ♪

♪ for anything ♪

♪ is possible ♪

♪ beneath the moon ♪

♪ above ♪

♪ stranger things have happened ♪

♪ so why couldn't this ♪

♪ be love ♪

[ Audience applauding ]

- Anne, did you take care of those flowers? - Steve!

Oh! O-oh. [ Chuckles ]

E-excuse me, Mr. Hunt. I must have been daydreaming.

Well, I'm sorry I woke you up.

[ Typing ]

O-oh.

- Mr. Hunt. There's a call for you. - Who is it?

- Mr. Anatole Murphy, of Hollywood. - Oh, don't tell me.

Anatole, you old so-and-so.

How's my favorite movie producer?

What did you come here for this time? To steal a few more of my Copa girls?

No, just one. I flew in to get a peek at this mademoiselle Fifi.

You'll get a great kick out of her. To put it mildly, she's phenomenal.

Well, if she's half as good as my scouts say she is, she really must have something, but, uh--

[ filtered voice ] That's just between you and me, Steve. Don't tell her agent.

Tell her agent? He wouldn't understand if I did tell him.

- Well, hello, devereaux. - Well, well. If it isn't Mr. Liggett.

Almost the biggest agent in town.

- Uh, have a cigar. - Well, thanks, elephant boy.

Devereaux, What'll you take for Fifi's contract?

- Oh, Joe? Come here, will ya? - Yeah?

Do me a favor, will ya? I haven't got the time.

Will you laugh in this guy's kisser for an hour or so?

- [ Laughing raucously ] - Okay, that's enough.

No, look. I'm on the level, devereaux. I want to buy her contract.

- I can't sell you her contract, Liggett. - Why not?

Because there's nobody in the world like Fifi.

I know that. That's why I want to buy the contract.

You want to buy the contract, and you know there's nobody in the world like Fifi?

Of course! That's why I want to buy the contract!

Because there's nobody in the world like Fifi!

Joe, you're a witness. You heard me tell him there's nobody in the world like Fifi?

- [ Laughing ] - Oh, hold it! Hold-- hold it. I'll tell you when.

Okay, I'll take, uh, $5,000 for Fifi's contract.

It's a deal! I'll give you the money in the morning.

- Will a check be all right? - Of course! I trust you.

I'll take a check for $10, and the rest in cash.

- Okay, Joe. - [ Both laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

Why don't you sign the contract now, Mr. Murphy?

I can deliver Fifi to you. I bought her contract lock, stock and barrel.

I sign and pay you the 100,000 when, as, and if you deliver Fifi in person.

And don't forget this important little item: I'll expect her to unveil...

So we can see if she's photogenic-- you know, this is for pictures.

Okay, Mr. Murphy, if that's the way you want it.

I'll get to work on it right away.

Murphy's a very important man.

He flew all the way from Hollywood just to see you. You've got to meet him.

Do you know what Lionel can get for your contract now?

Only about $100,000.

Think of it. Your picture on the cover of all the movie magazines.

A beautiful mansion in Beverly Hills.

- Three swimming pools. - But I could not use more than two.

And suppose he sees Carmen--

- and like her better than me. - That's not possible.

- Carmen can't compare with you. - Oh, no? Carmen is much better than I am.

- She's a great artiste. - Darling, you're wonderful.

You're the first star in the history of show business...

Who's ever said a nice thing about another star.

But don't you worry. He won't even see Carmen.

I'll take him right straight to the cocktail lounge.

Oh, Mr. Hunt. I think-- well, I think that's an awful mean thing to do.

- Mademoiselle Fifi-- - oh, get me a taxi. What do you want?

- I could make a deal for you. A big deal! - Speak to my agent.

Your agent? But I'm your agent!

- Lionel, what is this? - You think Steve buys you flowers. Ha!

A sickly little bunch of violets.

When I buy flowers, I buy flowers!

He takes you out and buys you a filet mignon.

Well, take a look at this!

A whole Turkey! And if you think that's something,

- take a look at this! - A diamond bracelet!

Oh, darling, it's wonderful.

But Lionel, where did you get all the money?

You're looking at the smartest agent in this whole town.

I just pulled the deal of the century.

- What a salesman. - What did you do?

I sold a veil for $5,000.

I mean your contract as mademoiselle Fifi,

to that pigeon, that sucker, that numbskull Liggett.

You sold my contract to Liggett? For $5,000?

[ Laughing ] Don't waste any sympathy on him.

- He had it coming to him. - But you don't understand!

Anatole Murphy's here from Hollywood, and Steve told me...

You could get $100,000 for Fifi's contract.

- How much? - $100,000.

And I sold Liggett-- why, that dirty crook!

Maybe I can buy you back.

$100,000 at three percent would be--

I'll look for her in a little while, Anatole.

- She'll be here. - Where's that crook, Liggett?

Fine. I'll hold a ringside table for you.

- What's all this? - I've been double-crossed. Somebody took $95,000...

Out of my pocket when I wasn't looking.

- Where's that crook devereaux? - Here I am, you crook!

Guess you boys want to be alone. Come on, Anne.

Listen, devereaux. I saw mademoiselle Fifi get in the cab.

I followed her. When the cab draws up to the hotel, who do you think gets out?

Carmen. How do you explain that?

I'll have an answer for you in the morning.

- How much are your cigars? - They're a dollar apiece.

I was just browsing. Don't you have any nickel cigars?

Yes. But they're 40 cents.

- Give me two cups of coffee and a cigar. - Yes, sir.

Make that three cups of coffee and two cigars.

Hunt, I don't think we can hold onto Fifi much longer. She's becoming a big name.

How would you like to replace her with another great discovery of mine?

I got a young fella would make the Copa the biggest place in town.

The Copa is the biggest place in town.

- Your new client must be good. - Good? He's got everything.

A beautiful voice. Irresistible charm.

And he was born in a log cabin.

- Log cabin? So what? - So what?

Suppose he became president, like Abraham Lincoln.

I guess it'd be bad, having the president of the United States working in the Copa.

- Might even get him to play the piano. - All right, all right.

Arrange an audition and I'll listen to him.

Anything's better than listening to you.

When can I hear this wonder boy of yours?

- Right now. - Right now? Here?

But nobody tries out at the Copa.

Play it as written. Boss's orders.

Get that music back. ♪ [ Orchestra ]

I'd like to do a little song about the old west.

Any of you boys got an old spotlight on ya?

Thanks, boys.

I'll need some cactus, and sagebrush, and uh--

and a dozen beautiful cowgirls.

Ah, if it were only that simple in real life.

♪ Mr. Horace Greeley was no fool ♪

♪ I'm sure that you'll agree with me that Greeley was no fool ♪

♪ what he is getting at is that Mr. Greeley was no fool ♪

[ Solo ] ♪ the wisdom of the man ♪

♪ can be denied by none ♪

♪ for he's the one who said ♪

♪ before you go to buffalo to Baltimore or Borneo ♪

- ♪ to Easton, Pennsylvania or Sudan ♪ - ♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ if you go to that land, Sonny you will have a lot of money ♪

♪ if you bring the money with you when you come ♪

[ Chorus, Groucho ] ♪ to the lone prairie ♪

- ♪ yippee-yi, yippee-yi ♪ - ♪ yippee-yi-yi-yi ♪

♪ yippee-yee, yippee-yee yippee-yee ♪

♪ a cowboy's gal ♪

♪ is a real, true pal ♪

♪ she will stick to him ♪

♪ right or wrong ♪

♪ she don't say nothin' and she don't do nothin' ♪

♪ and she don't know nothin' ♪

♪ and she don't want nothin' ♪

♪ but a horse ♪

♪ and a cowboy ♪

♪ for she just keeps ♪

[ Imitating Al Jolson ] ♪ rollin' along ♪

[ To the tune of, "hooray for Hollywood" ] ♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ go where the air puts hair on your chest, young man ♪

♪ you can ride a bucking bronco or a pony ♪

♪ you can cut a calf in half and make baloney ♪

♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ go right up there and give them the very best you can ♪

♪ don't go east, don't go north don't go south, have a care ♪

♪ don't go up, don't go down don't go here don't go there ♪

♪ if you can't get a seat in the subway ♪

♪ go west, young man ♪

♪ we suggest you go west young man ♪

♪ the judges there are very fair they always are, of course ♪

♪ a cowboy and his missus went to court for a divorce ♪

♪ the cowboy got the children and the missus got the horse ♪

♪ go west ♪

[ Falsetto ] ♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute ]

[ Imitating flute ] ♪ ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute ]

♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ flute playing scales ] ♪ ah, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ repeating ]

♪ Ah-h-h, ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ [ vocalizing in soprano voice ]

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ [ High note ]

♪ West ♪

♪ young ♪

♪ man ♪

[ All ] Yippee!

Well, what do you think? Do I know how to pick 'em?

Oh, he's not bad. How much do you want for him?

You couldn't afford it.

- Yes? - Oh. Oh. I'm, uh--

I'm awfully sorry. I thought mademoiselle Fifi was in.

She is in. Oh, I mean, she was in.

But she'll be back. You want to tell her something?

- Well, yes, but-- - oh, come on in here, and tell it to me.

I know mademoiselle Fifi like I know myself. Even better.

- Well, it's awfully sweet of you, but I-- - oh, come on.

There.

- Now, what is it? - Miss Navarro,

I really shouldn't impose on you like this, but...

I feel as if I must talk to someone.

Oh, come on, honey, spill it out. Womens to womens, uh?

- It's something about love? - Yes.

- It's Steve. - And that mademoiselle Fifi, she's the grass in the snake?

I don't know what to do. Steve is the only man I've ever cared for.

And I feel that mademoiselle Fifi is--

- she's stealing him away from you, huh? - Yes.

- And I thought if I reasoned with her-- - oh, don't you do it, dear.

Let me talk to her. That mademoiselle Fifi, she's no good!

- I-I hate her. - Oh, I hate her too.

But don't you worry, dear. She will not fool around with Steve anymore.

I'll teach that French cat. I myself, personally.

I'll teach her to go around breaking up other people's happiness.

Don't you worry. [ Knocking ]

You girls having a private cry? If not, I'll join you.

You leave now, dearie. Leave the whole thing to me. I'll take care of it.

- Thank you. Good-bye. - Good-bye.

- Carmen-- - Lionel, we have to do something about mademoiselle Fifi.

She's not only driving us crazy, but she's ruining everybody's life.

We built up Fifi into a Mrs. Frankenstein.

Liggett is getting wise that I sold him a phony,

and Murphy is waiting in the cocktail lounge to see Fifi about a Hollywood contract.

- We're trapped. - It was all your idea. Can't you figure a way out?

Sure. All I have to do is figure out how Carmen and Fifi can be 3,000 miles apart.

Oh, that's impossible. I cannot be in two different place at same time.

I don't know why not.

Boston and Philadelphia are in two different places at the same time.

Carmen, the time has come.

- We have got to do away with Fifi. - What will happen to her?

She'll just have to disappear. You and Fifi get into a big argument.

You threaten her. Make her run away!

- Fifi and I fight? How we do this? - You pretend you're fighting.

I'll go out and find an audience. We'll need witnesses.

[ Whispers ] Start fighting!

You man-stealer, you French gold-digger! I'll beat you!

[ Slapping, screaming continue ] Do you hear what's going on?

Carmen and Fifi are having a terrific fight!

Is that so? Put two bucks on the black corner for me.

[ Sighs ]

- Bad girl. Get away from me. - [ Softly ] Stop fighting.

- Start fighting! - [ Yelling, indistinct ]

Girls, girls. Listen to that fighting!

[ Speaking French ]

[ French continues ]

Girls, do you hear what's going on inside?

You mean the radio? Sure, that's "breakfast in Hollywood."

Why, you dumbbell. That's "one man's family."

You're both wacky. That's "Amos and Andy."

[ Yelling in Spanish ]

- [ Exhales ] How am I doing? - You'll have to make it more realistic.

We're not getting any customers. If we don't kill off Fifi pretty soon, it'll be murder!

All right, make me mad. Make me angry. Insult me. Make like Fifi.

You Brazilian ham. Whoever told you you could sing?

You tell me I cannot sing, you Parisian porcupine?

I cut you up and down, I cut you right and left, I scratch you eyes out!

- Good, huh? - Vichyssoise!

- You scratch my face, - you disfigure me!

- Take this, you witch! - Vichyssoise!

- That's for trying to take my sweetheart, Lionel! - Double vichyssoise.

And that's for Andy Russell, uh?

And that's for all the boys in the band. [ Doorknob rattling ]

- What's going on in there? - I don't think they like each other.

- Open the door! - [ Hoarsely ] Louder. Give it all ya got.

And that's for stealing Steve from that nice little secretary who loves him!

- [ Carmen continues ] - [ Clamoring ]

I kill you, your Brazilian pig!

- [ Steve ] Open the door! - [ "Fifi," yelling in French ]

- [ Indistinct ] - A-B-C, C, G-- - [ Indistinct ]

Open the door!

- [ Carmen ] Get away from me! - Open the door, or I'll break it in.

All right, come on. Let's break it in! [ Glass smashing ]

- Hurry, please. - I better blow, before they find me in here.

[ Yelling in French ]

- Vichyssoise. - [ Indistinct ]

Oh, get away! You never come back again!

You coward! Nobody will ever see you again, you coward!

- What happened? Where's Fifi? - Fifi, I fix her good.

She's on in a couple of minutes. Where is she?

She will not go on tonight, that yellow spine.

- She run away through the window. - My investment!

- Well? - I did it.

Mademoiselle Fifi is now floating down the east river,

including her veil and the whole outfit.

And poor Fifi, she cannot swim.

I can just see the look on Liggett's face when he finds out she's gone for good.

- Ha, ha, ha! - And poor Steve. He'll be frantic.

Oh, the things he used to say to Fifi. Mmm! Oh!

I'm glad I killed her. I should have done it a long time ago.

She's better off dead.

♪ [ Orchestra ] "Je vous aime."

They're still playing her music up here.

Kinda got under your skin. [ Chuckles ]

What a gal.

♪ Je vous aime, ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ will I hear ♪

♪ those lovely words ♪

♪ no more ♪

♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous adore ♪

♪ can't we sing as we sang ♪

♪ before ♪

♪ in her eyes ♪

♪ was a promise ♪

♪ so tender ♪

♪ while her lips sang a song ♪

♪ of surrender ♪

♪ that will live in my heart ♪

♪ forevermore ♪

♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ ma chérie ♪

♪ je vous ♪

♪ adore ♪

Mr. Hunt, have you seen the afternoon paper?

Give me the police!

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. They still haven't found her, and there's no trace of her.

I'll give you another 24 hours to deliver the dame, or the deal's off.

Listen, you low-down double-crosssing snake.

You were the one that brought her around. Where is she? Where is she?

Look, bud. I spent a lot of money publicizing this girl.

My business is falling off to nothing.

Now, for the last time, do you or don't you know where she lives?

[ In Moroccan accent ] The last address I had for her was at the Casbah.

Pardon me, Mr. Hunt. The police would like to see you.

Oh. My name is Steve hunt. I manage this place.

- Is there anything new on the case? - Maybe there is.

We received a phone call a little while ago that mademoiselle Fifi was murdered.

- Murdered? Can't be! - You know an agent by the name of Lionel devereaux?

Wait, boys. I'll admit I was one of the last ones to see her, but I didn't do it!

I got witnesses. I'll tell you what, I'll go get them!

- What's your hurry? - I just remembered.

I forgot to pay my income tax.

There's something phony about that guy!

[ Women screaming, men chattering ]

Come on, there. What's the idea?

- Looking for someone? - No, just the reverse. - Oh.

- You seen a guy in a dark brown-- - down here.

There he is!

Sorry!

- [ Screams ] - [ All screaming ]

- What's going on here? Get him out. - You don't have to get up there.

- I'm not a mouse. - Devereaux, what are you doing in here?

I'm scouting for the Boston Red Sox.

- If you don't get out, I'll call the police! - They'll be here in a minute.

[ Knocking at another door ]

- Try the alley. - How about this door?

Don't let 'em take me! I got my whole life ahead of me.

- And I'd like to spend it here. - I'm going for the door.

Wait a minute. If you help me, I'll make you all new careers.

I'll make you devereaux girls. Ziegfeld girls. Even Goldwyn girls.

- That line has a familiar ring. - Maybe he really means it this time.

- You wanna bet? - Oh, where'll we hide him?

I'm not particular. What about your apartment?

- [ Policeman ] There he is! - [ Girls chattering ]

[ Girls all screaming, squealing ]

- Turn on the light! - [ Man ] out!

- Let go of me, you big ape! - Get the police!

- We are the police! - Mother!

- Who grabbed my kimono? - Where is he?

Where is that guy? Well, he won't get far.

See you later, girls.

Hey, wait a minute! What about those careers you promised us, huh?

- Yeah. - Girls, I've thought it over. You don't want a career.

What you ought to do is settle down, get yourself a husband.

- Anybody's husband. - Grab him, girls!

[ All talking together ]

- You've got a nerve! - I haven't the ball! He went around left end!

You're gonna make us a devereaux girl, huh?

- We're not through with you yet. - We'll teach you to make false promises.

Lionel! The police are looking for you, and you are still looking for women?

I've got an explanation for this, but I don't believe it myself.

Always I find you in all kinds of places.

I bet you never found me in a place like this before. [ Knocking ]

The cops! Those guys have got a one-track mind, and it always leads to me.

- Farewell! - What did I tell you? They always wind up in the closet.

What did I tell you? Farewell.

Look, we've got the goods on ya. Why don't you come clean?

Yes! I heard him say he killed her!

- I heard him beating her up. - He never would tell anybody where she lived.

- He was jealous of Steve. - I heard him threaten her.

- He couldn't have done it. - I agree with her.

Listen, devereaux, why don't you save us a lot of time and trouble, and confess?

- Why did you kill Fifi? - I told you, there never was any Fifi.

Carmen was Fifi, and Fifi was Carmen.

Still gonna stick to that wild story, huh?

Okay. Go to work on him, boys.

[ Sighs ]

Anything else you'd like to know?

Now we'll start all over again.

- What did you say your name was? - Lionel Q. Devereaux.

- What's the "Q" for? - My father used to hang around a pool room.

Think you're a pretty smart guy, don't ya?

Why don't you ask hunt? He took her out.

- He was in love with her. - [ Scoffs ] You're crazy.

I took her out for business reasons.

There's another little chick I go for, but...

She goes for Andy and not me.

- Isn't that right, Anne? - Me?

Me and Andy? Oh, no, Steve. You're so wrong.

There you are, never fails. The boss falls in love with the secretary.

- Why did you do it? - Listen, fellas, I'm as innocent as a babe.

Even more innocent. I know some babes who aren't so innocent.

Please let him alone. Can't you see he didn't do it?

I'll get it out of you if I have to clunk it out of you!

I didn't do it, I tell you, and I'm glad! Glad I didn't do it!

And if I had it all to do all over again, I wouldn't do it all over again!

- Mais qu'est-ce-que c'est ça? - You had to walk in just when I was going good.

In a minute, I might have been another Peter Lorre.

- Fifi! - Someone is asking for me?

I walked down to Carmen's dressing room. Carmen walks in, this dame walks out.

Well, I guess this clears everything up.

Come on, Brazil. Nice knowing you all.

Wait a minute. There's something I've always wanted to do.

- Me too! - Me too. - Me too.

- No, no, no, please stop! - You can't do this while I am here!

- No, no, please, no! - Carmen!

See what I mean? Carmen and Fifi. Both the same under the veil.

- Fifi, my eye. You're Carmen. - Yes, yes. I am Carmen. I'm also Fifi.

Excuse me, sergeant. I know their story sounds pretty unbelievable,

but there might be some truth in it.

Have her sing one of Fifi's songs.

That'll prove it one way or the other.

All right, let's have it. But this better be good and entertaining, sister.

- [ Choking ] - Go ahead!

Je vous-- ♪ je vous aime ♪

♪ mon petit ♪

♪ je vous adore-- ♪ [ Clears throat ]

She's just at that age. Her voice is changing.

Pretty punk imitation, I call it.

- Take him downtown and book him. - No, no, no. Wait.

If I can have just one witness. Andy Russell.

- Andy Russell here? - Me? I don't know anything.

- I only work here. I was just the-- - Andy, come here, please.

Lionel, it kills me to do this to you,

but you have to find out sometime.

Andy, look at me.

Take a good look at me. Who am I?

Why, you're Carmen Navarro. You're in the floor show.

Right. Now, think very carefully.

It's life or death. Who is this?

Oh, mon amour. Je vous aime beaucoup.

Vous êtes un joli garcon. Oh, mon amour. Oh!

[ Gasping ] Why, that couldn't be anyone else. That's Fifi!

It's Fifi.

It's Fifi.

Well, if this is gonna be on a competitive basis--

it's heaven! Why didn't you tell me about this ten years ago?

Wait a minute! Do you mean this yarn you've been telling the police...

For the last two hours really happened?

I'd swear to it on a stack of wheat cakes.

What a story!

What a picture this will make! I'll buy the girl, I'll buy the story too.

Get me a phone! Call Hollywood!

Tell 'em to start building sets! Why, I can see it all now.

♪ [ Rumba ]

♪ Let's do the Copacabana ♪

♪ its tropical beat will go to your feet ♪

♪ and make you feel Latin ♪

♪ that's 'cause the Copacabana ♪

♪ come directly from the canyons of Manhattan ♪

♪ in the land that gave us the coconut ♪

♪ and bananas ♪

♪ in the jungles and the pampas of Brazil ♪

♪ no one there ever has heard of the Copacabana ♪

♪ but they will you bet they will ♪

♪ look at señorita O'Toole and señor Shapiro ♪

♪ as they sway with rapture they're bound to capture the eye ♪

♪ they're the envy of all the other Cubans at Ciro's ♪

♪ as they cry ♪

♪ ayayay ♪

♪ with this little bandana ♪

♪ it's easy as pie just go there and try ♪

♪ six lessons or so ♪

♪ you'll be delighted to know ♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa of the cope of the Copacabana ♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa of the cope of the Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Let's do the Copacabana ♪

♪ its tropical beat will go to your feet ♪

♪ and make you feel Latin ♪

♪ that's 'cause the Copacabana ♪

♪ comes directly from the canyons of Manhattan ♪

♪ in the land that gave us the coconuts and bananas ♪

♪ in the jungles and the pampas of Brazil, Brazil ♪

♪ no one there ever has heard of the Copacabana ♪

♪ but they will you bet they will ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ you can cope with the Copa of the cope of the Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪