Original subtitles

Did you get O'Hara yet?

What do you mean his line is busy?

I know that character.

He just left the phone off the hook again,

and I got to get him.

He got to rush out to Edwards Air Force Base right away.

The weather has changed and they put the X-15 up test flight

up ahead the whole day.

Uh, never mind. I know where I'd get him.

Will somebody get the phone?

- Hello... - You're just visiting, Annabelle.

Hello?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Burns.

Uh-huh.

Yes, sir. I'll tell him right away.

Angela, halt!

Mother, you're not in The Waves anymore.

I've got to wake Tim up.

Oh, I'll wake him up, Lorelei.

Well, Annabelle dear, you'll not only wake him up,

you'll shake him up.

Oh, I forgot.

Yes, well, don't forget again, dear,

especially in the morning when a man's metabolism

is just starting to do

whatever it is a man's metabolism does.

Uh-uh.

What's the matter? What happened? What?

You see, girls, he's wide awake.

It's best to be brutal.

Tim, your editor called

and he wants you to cover the flight of the X-15.

It's been moved up a day.

Thanks, Angie.

Annabelle.

Now, that's what I was telling you, girls,

about a man's metabolism.

Tim, get dressed.

Event three level and wide open,

speed is mach 4 point 4, point 7, point 9...

Come on, boy, stay with it.

Mach 5 point 3, trouble with vertical stability.

Hey, there's an unknown on my radar,

a blip on a collision course with the X-15

and gaining on it fast.

Overtaking it? Impossible.

Look, I'm tracking it now.

Mach 5 point 4.

Whatever it is, its' going over 9,000 miles an hour.

Oh, come on.

There's must be something wrong with this thing, that's all.

Point 9. Now, what was that?

Something just went past me like I was standing still,

a flying saucer.

Oh, no, no, not those things again.

Somermeyer, check your oxygen supply.

Stopping babbling that nonsense about flying saucers.

It's probably just a speck in your eye.

Colonel, I'm telling you. This thing...

Somermeyer, I prefer you to think of it as a speck in your eye

and that's an order.

Yes sir.

I'm turning now for the landing.

I'm afraid he needs a rest.

The blip is off my scope now.

Oh good. Shut it off.

Darn thing probably doesn't work anyway.

I'm just happy that that reporter wasn't around

to start splashing it over the papers

that our pilots are seeing flying saucers

and the radar is picking up something that's not even there.

Maybe it was a meteorite or a piece of a satellite.

Yeah, maybe.

Now, get the report on my desk right away.

Oh... incidentally,

whoever drops even one little hint about any of this

will immediately become the most miserable man in the air force.

I personally guarantee it.

- Oh, hi Colonel, am I late? - Oh, O'Hara.

I'm afraid so. Well, the show is over,

but it was just a routine flight.

If you could give me the speed and let me interview the pilot.

I'm sorry. I can't give you any information right now.

- You're pushing me. - Am I? How about that?

No, wait a minute. Why so much secrecy

if this is just a routine flight?

Why can't I interview some...

Why are you sweating in an air conditioned room?

Now, what happened?

Something is going on inside.

Are you through?

Now, what are you waiting for me to stay?

Take me to your leader?

Who are you?

Well, I could give you some wild tale being a Russian astronaut

or the designer of an experimental spacecraft,

but the plain fact of the matter is...

I'm from Mars.

Mars?

Mars.

Now, don't look so astonished.

I'm a professor of anthropology from Mars,

specializing in this primitive planet.

Mars?

I'm afraid you got hit a little harder than you think.

That idiot in your antique rocket plane almost ran into me.

You mean the X-15?

And now, I'm marooned on this backward planet

until I can repair my ship.

Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

You... you mean, the X-15 almost... almost ran into your, um,

that thing.

Precisely.

It was lumbering along at barely 4,000 miles an hour.

I had to strain my ship to get out of its way.

You know how fast he was going?

I can tell you to the fifth decimal place.

Uh, that idiot at the controls

reported me to his base as a flying saucer.

Huh... oooh.

Well, just don't sit there.

I've been hurt.

Come on, we'll go to my car.

You'll have to carry me.

It takes me a little while to get used to the earth's gravity.

I... I weigh so much more here.

Yeah.

Rewrite, please.

Charlie?

This is O'Hara.

Now, look, take this down, will you?

America's X-15 set a new unofficial speed record today

of 4332.48594... 48594 miles per hour

in a drama-packed test cloaked in unusual secrecy.

Paragraph.

Um, no details were disclosed

but reliable sources added the startling information

that the pilot and ground radar

reported an unidentified flying object

which overtook and passed the X-15 at incredible speed.

Well, it isn't Mars, but it's home.

Now, the question is how are we going to get you inside

without Mrs. Brown spotting us.

Uh... just give me a second.

Nobody will see me now, but you'll still have to carry me in.

All right, come on, come on.

How did you do that?

It isn't easy.

If I have to do it again in my condition,

you're going to have a very sick Martian on your hand.

Let's go, let's go.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh... Come on, give me your hand.

Oh.

Scram.

Beat it.

Go away.

I'll take care of him.

Stop gawking and get me to bed.

Tim!

What in the world are you doing?

Well, uh... It's kind of a charade.

I'm, uh, I'm pretending I'm carrying an invisible man

into the house.

Hmm.

How do you feel now?

Oh, better, thanks.

Oh, your atmosphere, so rich in oxygen.

It's like breathing in a thick chocolate malted milk.

Malted milk, malted milk.

How did the Martian know about that?

Now since modesty forbids my calling attention

to my superior intellect,

I'll confine myself to saying that I am the greatest

living authority on the subject of your planet.

I visited here many times

especially in the last 150 years.

Hundred and 50 years?

How old are you?

Let's just say I'm approaching the prime of my life.

But if you've been here before,

how come there haven't been headlines about you

all over the world?

As long as I don't wear a sign on my back saying,

"I am a Martian," who would ever know?

And no one you met ever suspected?

Not even Thomas Jefferson

and he was a fairly bright fellow,

for a native, that is.

You know, you earth people are handicapped.

You only use a small portion of your brain.

We Martians use all of ours.

I can't believe it.

The trouble is you're too intelligent to believe it.

You people baffle me.

So, illogical.

So emotional.

Earth is all right for a visit, but I wouldn't want to live here.

Well, you got to live here now whether you like it or not.

I'm, uh, I'm afraid your stuck.

Only temporarily.

I'll leave as soon as I can repair my spaceship

and no one will be the wiser but you.

No, no, no. No, you're not leaving until I, uh,

get a story on this and the pictures.

I, uh, I'm going to get a Pulitzer Prize for this.

I'm sorry.

But you're not going to be able to write that story.

But I've got to write it. I'm a newspaperman.

You wouldn't be for long. Nobody would believe you.

Pick up the phone. Call your editor.

Tell him you found a real live Martian.

Go ahead.

But it's the truth.

No, no, no.

They wouldn't believe you.

I'll prove it.

I'll bring him here and I'll show you to them.

I'll disappear and you know I can do it.

Is that how, uh,

a person from a superior planet shows his gratitude, hmm?

I may seem ungrateful,

but I believe I know what would happen.

Suppose you did win the Pulitzer Prize.

You wouldn't deserve it

and you wouldn't be able to live up to it.

You'd be a one-day wonder and that's all,

and you wouldn't want that, would you?

Incidentally, there's a very attractive brunette

walking up your steps right now.

Annabelle.

How did you know that?

She's thinking very warm thoughts about you.

How do you know that?

You mean you can read minds?

Unless there's a conscious effort to shut me out.

For instance,

I know exactly what you're thinking about the young lady.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

You shut me right out.

It's personal.

After all, I'm only human.

But just remember, I'm more than human.

Now, answer the door.

If there's anything I hate, it's a smart-alecky Martian.

"By Tim O'Hara."

Well, well...

Gosh, I'm proud of you.

How nice for me.

Excuse me for butting into your thoughts again,

but you're about to have visitors.

Hey... Hey, what is this?

Murphy.

The Air Force wants to know where you got your information

on the X-15 flight.

Who is this?

- Well, he's a Martian. - A what?

Mart... Martin. Martin, that's his name.

Martin, my uncle.

My Uncle Martin, he's, um...

Well, he's... here after a long trip and he's not feeling very well.

How did you know I spoke Italian?

I could tell.

OK, O'Hara. Let's go.

Let's go? What do you mean?

What's the charge?

No charge yet.

We just want to know where you got the classified information

on the X-15 flight and the unidentified flying object.

That's all you want to know?

Sure.

Is that too much to ask from a good citizen?

OK. Let's go.

No, no, no. Hold it, hold it.

He, um... What?

He might... he might need something.

So, uh, so just help yourself Uncle Martin.

Oh, and, uh... Here, you might need a little cash.

I... I know you might be short.

So, uh... And the keys are in the car, OK?

Thank you.

I, uh... I may not be back by the time you leave.

So, it's been very nice seeing you.

I hope you have a very pleasant trip and happy landing.

All right.

Take good care of him, Annabelle.

He must be a pretty nice boy.

He is.

I mean, you're his uncle, you ought to know.

Oh, well, I... I haven't seen much of him and,

uh, my home is a long, long way from here.

Well, we'll take care of you, my aunt and I.

Is your aunt the woman next door who gives bridge lessons

and is taking a course in real estate

and sells Christmas cards and beauty creams

and is studying the stock market with Ouija board?

Hmm. He must have talked to you about her.

Uh... yes, yes, yes.

Well, I'll be able to take care of myself, thank you.

I'll be up and around tomorrow.

Oh, we'll take care of you anyway.

I said no interruptions until I'll call you back.

I don't care who it is. Nobody at all.

And now, O'Hara, this is your last chance.

I don't care anything about this flying saucer jazz

that crops up every year at the beginning of the hay fever season,

but you are not getting out of here

until I find out which one of my men

is passing out information to the fifth decimal place.

I refuse to reveal my sources of news.

Why you...

Colonel, uh, Colonel, I've got to admit

that I admire this young man's principles.

What?

And with your permission, I'd like to do something for him.

For starters, I'd like to throw him in jail.

I'll be very happy to look after him personally.

Good.

I'll drop by and see him every month or so.

Well, let me call my attorney, please.

Here you are, O'Hara,

a lovely three-course lunch.

Three-course lunch? It looks like hamburger.

Oh no.

You got a hamburger, coffee, and sugar.

You got any words for the colonel?

Yes. Yes, I have several words for the colonel,

but I wouldn't use any of them in mixed company.

Murphy stole your pickle.

How did you get in here?

I arrived with the lunch.

I realized you don't have visiting hours,

but I wanted to thank you personally for your kindness.

Oh, that's all right.

You're in a lot of trouble because of me, aren't you?

Well, I'll live through it.

Why don't you let yourself for it?

I guess I'm a little stupid sometimes.

Anyway, you're the nicest Martian I ever met.

Thank you.

And thank you for these clothes.

Now, how are we going to get you out of here?

Let me think.

Suppose we tell him that you picked up their control center

on your car radio?

No, that's impossible.

My radio wouldn't pick up their frequency.

Blame it on sunspots, freak reception,

an ionization shift in the upper atmosphere,

that's your story and stick to it.

I'll try, but...

Excuse me a moment. Murphy is coming back.

Eat your lunch.

Excuse me.

Who are you talking to in there?

Hmm, one of my favorite people, myself.

I heard two different voices.

Well, sure. One voice would be monotonous

and besides I couldn't tell which of me was saying what to whom.

The voice I heard didn't sound anything like yours.

Why should it?

Charley McCarthy doesn't sound anything like Edgar Bergen.

You're of, uh... ventriloquist aren't you?

I'm practicing throwing my voice while I'm eating.

You know something?

You're very good.

Well, thank you.

I thank you, too.

- We both thank you. - We both thank you.

Both at once.

Fantastic.

Yes.

Well, that's enough for now.

You don't want to spend too much time with a prisoner.

Now, uh, here you go,

and next time, don't steal my pickle.

What makes you think I'd do a thing like that?

Your face, it's got pickle stealer written all over it.

If you've got anything to say to the colonel,

you let me know.

Yes, I may do that.

Goodbye, Tim. See you later.

Sensational.

Now, remember, Colonel, it might have been a freak thing

that made the car radio picked up the control center that day.

I say it's impossible and I'm calling your bluff.

- Yeah..well... - Tim, you're back.

Yes.

It might have been sunspots

or upper atmosphere ionization or... or something like that.

Well, well... maybe, it's a holiday for sunspots.

Later, Annabelle, later.

If it doesn't work...

- Back you go. - Right.

- But if it doesn't work, be reasonable, Colonel. - Quiet.

Hello, Edwards. Hello, Edwards.

Are you still receiving me?

Like a bell.

Ready for the launch.

Event A will be in test of the...

- Great. - Yeah, how about that?

There will be no more of that, Colonel.

Hey. Hey, that's my radio.

Keep your hands off that.

You've got some gadget in here

that's bringing in our frequencies

and the laboratory is going to find it.

Colonel, maybe, we ought to keep him on ice

until we get the lab report, huh?

Uh, that won't be necessary. We know where to find him.

But if there is any unauthorized equipment of any kind in this,

you are going to get free room and board in a federal prison

and don't you forget it.

- Are you all right, Colonel? - Yes, yes.

Well, we got all of it, Colonel.

Uh, the laboratory technicians

will find out exactly how this could happen.

Somehow I doubt it.

I simply don't understand.

Now, why don't you tell me you could gimmick up my radio.

- You just let me sweat it out. - Exactly.

If I hadn't, you would have been smug and overconfident

and the colonel might have detected a fishy aroma.

Well, I suffered. It was very painful.

And a little pain is good for you.

As one of your playwrights observed,

"Pain makes man think.

"Thinking makes man wise.

And wisdom makes life endurable."

Next problem.

My little spaceship is down in the garage

and I've got to start repairing it so I can get back to Mars.

We need a number of very scarce items,

most of which haven't been invented yet.

That sounds pretty expensive.

What are you going to use for money?

I've been reading about an interesting place called

Las Vegas.

With you rolling the dice and with my special talents,

we ought to do all right there.

No, no, no.

I've been in nothing but trouble since I met you.

And I imagine that will continue,

but it won't be dull.

And a friend who can read minds

can be of enormous help to a young reporter.

I can get you a lot of information

straight from the horse's head.

Now, what do you say?

It's a deal.

Welcome to the O'Hara family.

Thank you, my boy.

Well, I guess that makes me the first Irishman

from the planet Mars.