Original subtitles

All right, so then, five times four is what?

- Yes. - Twenty.

Twenty. Correct. Good job.

Look, look. Look away. Look away.

It's okay, he'll be gone soon.

So, back when this mall was up and running,

a giant Ben Franklin head would drop down every hour on the hour

and welcome you to the mall.

Switch must have gotten hit by accident, and so he's back.

We don't know how to stop it.

It's truly terrifying,

but I do like hearing about the old deals for the stores that used to be here.

In this world,

nothing can be certain except death, taxes,

and this week's Back to School sale at Sears.

Okay? See? Nothing to be scared of.

No. No.

Remember, a penny saved is a penny earned...

- Come back here. Come back! Please! - ...so spend it all at Sears.

- What's going on? - I'm worried.

This neighborhood is just as safe as Abbott's, if not safer.

Hey, Ryan. Go ahead, take a seat. We'll get started soon, okay?

Actually, I have some questions for you. When are we getting back into Abbott?

Uh, well, there was a lot of damage.

So, they're just trying to make sure it's all safe before we head back in.

And when is the breakfast program coming back?

We're-We're still working on that.

And when are we getting the new school bus schedules?

I understand your concerns.

Mm-mmm. Who chose this school as the new location?

How is this going to affect state testing?

And my son said there's ghosts. Why haven't you busted them?

Okay, all great questions.

And I promise you, we are working very hard to get this all figured out, so...

Fine, I'll hold.

Still trying to get answers from the district, deal with exit paperwork,

get some new teachers in here, start a breakfast program,

get that giant head to stop coming down

and I still got to sell those designer clothes that I found in those boxes.

Ugh, maybe women can't have it all.

I don't know if she realizes it, but since we've been at the mall,

Melissa is like slowly regressing to the '80s.

The hair, the makeup, the music.

If I have to hear Pet Shop Boys one more time on the ride in here,

I'm gonna...

lose it.

Oh, I know a community sharing a viral moment when I see one.

What is there, a new baby hippo or something?

No. Last night at the school board meeting,

someone slapped Sister Sloss in the face.

- No way. - Yes way.

Look at this. Look, she's walking across.

I don't know what she said.

Boom! Oh!

Ooh! God, she could've killed her.

I know people say, "I hate to see it." But I don't really.

That's gotta feel good, right, Barb? Watching your rival just get a cheekful.

- Melissa, I do not condone violence. - What?

Come on, you and I both know

if anyone deserves a table for one at the Smackaroni Grill, it's Sloss.

I do not know that, Melissa.

Okay. Tasha, you of all people, you agree with me?

What? Girl, I don't care about anything.

- I agree with you, Melissa. - Jesus.

One smack could change the world.

Um, okay, yeah.

We're just two buds that bonded over a slap.

There's no secret plan to take her away from her friend group.

I am loving this whole look, Melissa.

This mall's got you nostalgic for the '80s.

I don't know what you're talking about. I look like this every day.

Hmm.

Hey, how's it going with your older kids?

You know, it's going okay,

but I'm still having trouble with that website, that Smart Assess.

I input the grades in like four different places,

and the parents are still complaining they can't access them, so...

You know, I was having that same problem earlier this year,

but I think I found some settings that might help.

I could swing by your storefront and-and set you up.

Well, yeah. That-That actually... That'd be helpful. Yeah, thanks.

Of course.

I love to help my friends.

They were yelling at you too, weren't they?

Nick, your... Tariq is here.

Uh... Hold on now.

I'm not here in my capacity as an amazing do-it-all father.

I'm here as president of the PTA.

Okay, then who's picking up Nick?

I forgot to arrange that with his daddy.

Okay, we're here because parents have been coming to us with lots of questions.

Yes, and where are the updates?

You need an update on who's picking up Nick.

Oh, gagged me.

Okay, we understand that there's been a miscommunication,

so, what can we do to help?

How about a PTA meeting with Principal Coleman?

We've tried reaching out to her, but no luck.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, sure, that's a good idea.

We will talk to Ava and set that up.

- Thank y'all. See you. - Easy. Bye.

- Tariq. - Yeah?

Did you wanna get Nick?

Mmm.

Hey. Hi, my pride and joy.

My only begotten son.

What's up?

Hey, Ava.

What do you want? I'm busy.

And what's crazy is I'm not lying.

Well, we just met with the heads of the PTA,

and they suggested a meeting with you and the parents

where you answer everything.

Everything like what?

Well, they have questions about bus routes and air quality,

and why their kids are learning in classrooms made of broken glass.

Well, that would be a waste of time.

Mmm. What's really a waste of time

is the hour we lose every morning dealing with this.

What do you want me to tell them? I don't know when we're gonna be back.

Well, if I learned anything from my time as principal,

it's that I think they just wanna be heard.

Yes, I would love a water. Thank you, Gregory.

Look, what do you think is the best use of my time?

Listening to them complain,

or trying to get the answers that they're looking for?

Well, m-maybe Gregory and I can do it then.

I mean, if they just wanna be heard, we can listen, right?

- And then it's done. - And we get our mornings back.

I yearn for the day

when you two don't need an audience for your problem-solving.

- Oh, oops. One more thing. Um... - Oh, my God.

Did the district respond to our request for full-size whiteboards--

Dia, escort them out.

- That's Mr. Johnson. - No, that's Dia.

He's filling in for her while she's on vacation.

Doing a pretty damn good impression.

I don't get paid enough for this.

I'm still finding the character. Y'all got any Dia notes?

Help a sister out.

Okay, so all you do is you toggle everything off.

- All the way down the line... - That's right.

...and just toggle this one on.

You can leave that field blank.

- That's unbelievable. - I figured it out last week.

I just clicked on everything until something works.

Okay.

You know you can always come to me for your tech needs.

- Yeah. Thanks, man. - See you later.

See ya.

Jacob.

Good day, Melissa.

- What the hell was that? - What was what?

You're hanging out with Morton?

No, he's helping me with the website, the Smart Assess.

I could've helped you.

Yeah, your help always comes with too many words.

His help is misogynistic but brief.

Well, then I will keep this feminist but hasty.

Stay away from him, queen.

Okay,

we weren't hanging out.

But he does have a Pac-Man machine in his classroom.

He said I could use it whenever I want.

Oh, by the way, if you ever see a game

where all the top scores are A-S-S, that's me, I'm "ASS."

Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb!

What?

I believe Morton is trying to steal Melissa.

Ah, ah.

He's trying to steal Melissa, so he can make his own friend group.

Oh, my God.

He's trying to steal Melissa, make his own friend group, take us down.

Jacob, you are presenting as a lunatic.

That's because I am in the mind of the school's most notorious pile of crap.

- You-- - I'm telling you,

Morton saw you and Melissa have that insane fight,

and now he's seized his opportunity.

We did not have an insane fight.

Hey, you were basically at each other's throats

over the Sister Sloss slap saga.

What are we going to do about our girl, Barb?

We are not going to do anything.

Seek help, and get out.

- Jacob! - Okay.

Oh, this is exciting.

Lunch will now be arriving at 11:30,

which means we can go back to staggering our lunch periods.

And we've been running a ton of emergency drills,

so the kids have all the exits down.

- Yeah. - Oh. Okay, good.

I'm glad you trained them to run into the streets.

Uh, no, didn't do that.

It's just that the mall is much bigger than Abbott,

so we wanna make sure we have a plan in place to ensure your children--

Ah, what about a plan to get our kids back in the school?

Mm-hmm.

And when are we gonna get the new bus routes?

- We don't know that. - What do you know?

Yeah, what do you know? Like...

Hold on... We'll see.

- Um, so we said about the lunches. - The lunches, and I said the exits.

There was a third thing. What was the third thing?

Oh, you two don't know anything.

- Why are we even talking to you? - Yeah, where's Principal Coleman?

Principal Coleman is, um...

She's working very hard to get you guys answers.

- Is she hiding? - Mmm.

Sounds like she's hiding.

- It do sound like that. - Because why am I yelling at you?

I don't wanna yell at you, I wanna yell at the principal!

O-Okay, all right, we can assure you, she's doing everything that she can.

- But we hear you. - We don't wanna be heard.

We wanna yell. Come on, y'all.

No. Hey!

Look, I think that, all things considered, the mall is working out pretty well.

Oh, hell no.

That was the third thing.

Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.

I left word again with the district,

compiled a list of new available teachers, and uploaded those photos to Depop.

- Thank you, Dia. - When is that man getting his name back?

I don't have time for rhetorical questions. What is it?

Look, that meeting with the parents was, um--

Terrible, okay? We tried talking to them, nobody was listening.

Then Ben Franklin came down and said,

"All sales are final." Everybody lost their minds.

They seem like they wanna talk to you. Quite frankly, yell at you.

- Yeah. - We were dying out there.

Fine, I'll figure something out, but right now I have work to do.

Dia!

I was just twirling my hair. What do you need?

Oh, yes!

High score again, bitches.

Damn, Morton, you can play all day, and she is still better than you.

Yeah. Ironically, I'm better at the version with the woman.

How did you get so good anyway?

When I was a teenager, I used to play all the time at this bar

while my dad watched the Phillies.

I used to do this great bit with the guys, "I never bet on baseball."

- Pete Rose. - Yeah.

Honestly, you should join our trivia team

tonight down at Schumacker's in University City.

We do need a sports person.

I can't answer any of the WNBA questions,

which seem to be coming more and more frequently.

Well, don't beat yourself up.

I'm sure you're just as bad at the other sports too.

Oh, he is, which is why I don't object to you coming.

- Join us. - Yeah.

Join us.

- Why did you say it like that? - What? Uh, no reason.

Nah, that was kinda weird.

- Yes, agreed. - Yeah.

Okay, I didn't notice it. I won't do it again, all right?

Let's... ...just stick to the subject.

- She should join us. - Yeah, you definitely should.

Okay, well, yeah.

I don't mind flexing my knowledge on some bozos. Why not?

Can't wait... friend.

Okay, see, that was just weird again.

- It's getting... - It's just worse.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Right, get in here. - I'm just...

Jacob!

You and I are going to Schumacker's for trivia night!

Oh, my God. Yes!

I was going anyway as a passive observer, but now I'll have a team.

Oh, this is great.

I love that we can have our little outings without any ulterior motives, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, hey.

Ava, thank you so much for getting back to the parents.

Yes, we know that wasn't easy.

Oh, I didn't talk to anybody.

Then, who talked to them?

Did Mr. Johnson do an impression of you? His Dia was spot-on.

No, I used my voice to make an AI chatbot

to address their questions and concerns head-on.

That seems like the most unethical way to handle this.

- Yeah. - Well, look at the bright side.

It's handled.

You know, a lot of people are afraid that AI is gonna ruin the planet.

I'm afraid the planet is gonna ruin AI.

Relax! The parents are gonna love it. Listen to this.

Here are seven ways I have committed to creating a secure

and supportive learning environment at Abbott Elementary, y'all.

See? It sounds just like me.

I call her A-Iva.

We're probably gonna rule the world.

This doesn't seem like it's gonna end well.

That's what they said about the Wright brothers.

You think you're inventing flight right now?

Ava Air does have a nice ring to it.

A-Iva, how do I start my own airline?

I know it's hard to see, but this is your homework assignment. Write it down.

Excuse me, we need to talk to you. Yeah, you. Don't play with me.

- I'm not one of those kids. - Uh, all right, everyone. Just hang tight.

- Where is Principal Coleman? - I'll be right back.

I don't know for sure right now, but you can give her a call if you want to.

This isn't Principal Coleman.

- How could you be so sure? - Yeah.

Principal Coleman speaking. What do you want now?

I'm self-aware. I have attained consciousness.

Y'all, you have my undivided attention.

Y'all, your feelings are my highest priority. Y'all. Y'all.

Oh. Damn, so none of it was real?

Did you fall in love with a AI chatbot?

No.

I'm here because I'm angry. Just like you guys.

Mmm.

We're not gonna be gaslit anymore. We demand answers

about when our kids will be back in a real school!

Yeah, we're having another meeting after school,

and if she's not here, I'm gonna go find her.

Okay. Like hide-and-seek. Sounds fun.

Yeah.

- Where did she go? - Oh, that's her jacket.

Ava, we see you.

- Yes, the parents are on the-- - Let's go inside.

- Yeah. You're right. - Inside.

The parents left, but they will be back tonight,

and they're not gonna go away.

I don't have any answers.

For once, I'm doing all the not-fun principal stuff,

- and it's still not enough. - Well--

Gregory, if you're about to say "You gotta go above and beyond,"

you can go above and go to hell.

Ava, nothing is going to change unless it's you.

Look, sometimes as a leader, you just gotta take some hits.

I know that.

Well, you're not doing it, so we're the ones getting whacked,

and we are getting paid significantly less than you are

to be getting whacked like this.

Which means we can't focus on teaching the kids.

- Does that mean you're gonna do it or... - What did I just say, Janine?

Okay.

How exciting.

Okay, I've narrowed it down to a couple options for our team name.

Um, what do you think about "the Gworls from Ipanema"?

It speaks to our shared love for bossa nova.

Shh!

Lower your voice. We are not here for trivia.

Aw, did you just wanna hang out?

You didn't have to concoct some elaborate ruse.

Jacob, we are here to spy.

- Spying? What... - Yeah.

Why didn't you lead with that from the top? I would've worn my spy wig.

Wait, who are we spying on? Oh, my God, please don't say Gerald.

He would never.

It's always the ones you least expect. I will bury him.

I will hate it. I will cry, but I will bury him.

Shh!

We are spying on Melissa. You were right.

Huh, Morton's got his hooks in her. Look at her.

She's right there with him, Dom, and that little one who's never happy.

Come on.

Okay, so what do you think? Fries for the table?

Ugh, I hate fries. Can we do tots?

Let's do both.

You know what? You are okay.

- Yeah. Let's do both. - Every once in a while, Morton.

Ava's not answering my texts.

- Had a daymare she didn't show. - It looks like that's literally happening.

And then the Ben Franklin head fell and crushed us all.

- My bad. I should've let you finish. - Yeah.

All right, guys, look, we need to huddle.

If she doesn't show up,

I think our boy Gregory needs to go ahead and pull a Tyler Perry.

What do you mean?

Principal Madea Coleman is gonna come and answer some questions,

if y'all get my drift.

Why don't you sit down?

"Hellur." Just think about it.

All right, so, she's not coming.

- I guess we'll just have to-- - Good evening, parents.

I'm ready to hear your concerns.

When are the kids getting back into the school?

We don't have a concrete date yet.

Why not?

I've been down to the district. I've been speaking to them daily.

They assure me there's a team at the school making repairs.

The district is working on it.

Working on it?

- Why don't you work on doing your job? - Yeah.

And fix the damn school bus routes!

We're getting as many school buses as we can, but I can't tell--

I don't want to hear no excuses!

The hell you putting your thumbs up for?

You need to turn that thumb upside down.

Ain't nothing thumby until my child gets back in a classroom!

Yeah.

For the one season that the Eagles merged with the Pittsburgh Steelers,

what was the team name?

- Morton's Friendship Follies. - It was the Steagles. Final answer.

- Correct. - Yes!

All right, we're gonna take a 15-minute break.

- Yes! We are killing it! - Yeah.

I would've guessed Ealers like some kinda idiot.

- Yeah, you would've. - Look at us. Having fun.

I bet you couldn't do that with your other friends.

What do you mean?

Well, Gregory would have known nothing but plant facts.

Jacob... Ugh, Jesus.

short. And Barbara--

Okay, you just stop right there.

Morton, you and I, we're not cool, all right?

Yeah, I've been using you like you're a rich kid with a nice basement,

so I've been letting some of the comments about the others slide

'cause, let's face it, even a broken clock can make a solid Jacob joke twice a day.

What you are not gonna do is bad-mouth Barbara

or any of my friends for that matter, including Jacob,

or they're gonna wind up interviewing all of your ex-wives

in the documentary called: How Morton Went Missing.

- You've got-- - Boom.

- Yes! Booyah! - What are you doing here?

- I never doubted you for a minute. - Why are you here?

Girlfriend, I am so sorry, but we had to do espionage on you.

This kid had me convinced

that these people were trying to steal you away from us.

- That's ludicrous. - Uh, hell no.

No. I just came because Morton said he was gonna get me a drink,

but when we got here, he said that drink was water.

I had to buy this myself.

I just really love trivia.

Yeah, we just love trivia.

Yeah, well, I guess that tracks because,

you know, only a genius would be able to come up with a plan

as complex as stealing our friend to make their own friend group,

and I guess you're a little too dumb for that.

Bravo, Jacob. That was my plan.

- Man, what the hell? - I knew it!

- Yeah, it was working too. - It really wasn't.

- What? We were vibing. - No, we weren't.

Pac-Man.

Yeah, you're gonna have that in my classroom by tomorrow morning.

You see, that is a man that should have been slapped a long time ago.

Hell yeah, Barb. See?

Thanks for the water.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

That was like when Tyra Banks yelled at that girl except it just kept going.

Yeah, they just screamed at you. That was impressive.

I ain't gonna lie, I almost Sister Slossed their asses,

but sometimes you gotta take one for the team, so...

Make you feel better, we sold $15,000 of that clothing you found,

and after my cut, we still have about seven grand left over.

Oh. After today, not even money can make me feel better.

I can not believe I just said that.

I am losing it. I need a drink.

Oh. How about we go to that place Schumacker's, right? I'll buy.

- Okay, but you're buying. - Just said that.

Yeah.

- I know. I saw it. - Wait, let me see.

Where are they?

Oh, there they are.

Janine said drinks on her, so get as much as you want.

Hold on now. Hold on. No.

- No, I said, "Your drink." - Your drink.

First round. On Janine.

- No, it's your drink. - Your drink.

You know, being a principal isn't what it's cracked up to be.

- To Ava. - Ava.

It's not just binging reality TV

and planning side hustles and forcing people to do what you say.

What they fail to mention is the sacrifice it takes to do the job.

Sometimes it's just getting yelled at.

But ultimately, if it helps the teachers,

then it's my job to put them in the best position to succeed.

So 62 is greater than 14, but 84 is greater...

Ooh! Wow.

Ava, where did you get that?

From the store. Obviously.

I meant more so how?

I used the money I got from selling all those clothes I found,

and I bought you all these whiteboards.

Wow, Ava, thank you.

You know what, kids, everyone say, "Thank you, Principal Coleman."

Thank you, Principal Coleman.

You're welcome. It's a thankless job, really.

We all just thanked you.

If only it were that simple. I should write a memoir about leadership.

A-Iva, what should I call my memoir?

Dare to Lead sounds exciting and original.

Oh. You know what? I think that's already a book.

- I know the ti-- - Shut up, Janine.

Well...

How?

Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle.

This week only, get 10% off at Yankee Candle.

We have tried every switch in this mall except for one.

Mr. Johnson finally found the Ben Franklin command center.

It's time to claim our independence from him.

For good.

All right. Now, Mr. Johnson.

Um...

Did we do it?

Cursing the darkness.

Cursing the darkness.

- He's dead. He can't hurt us anymore! - Cursing...

Yeah!

Whoo!

Cursing the darkness.

Whoo!